A Sense of Neutrality
by Jooles
Rating: Uh... M?
Summary: Talk this. Talk that. Heero and Relena, the ‘relationship’, the discussion.
*
"Heero," she started one morning while they lay in bed, not quite ready to leave their haven, their piece of paradise.
He grunted a response, a signal to her that he didn’t really feel like anything deep or meaningful in the way of conversation, but that he would listen - and grunt in response.
"Why are we here? -- I mean, why are you with you me? -- Is it just about the sex?"
Relena had expected a frustrated groan from Heero. She didn’t expect her question to be met with silence.
She turned over a little, so that now laying on her side, she could study Heero’s face and watch his reaction.
Finally he responded; - "I could ask you the same question."
"Oh?"
He turned over, so that he too was now laying on his side. Profile to profile. His dark hair spread out on the pillow, and intermingled with her own strands of gold. Dark and light. Neutrality.
"I’m asking you. What do you want, Relena?"
She didn’t know what to say. They had been sleeping together long enough, for her to consider him more than just a regular bed mate. He wasn’t as brusque as he used to be, in the earlier days. And she didn’t love him with the foolhardiness that made her obsessive in her regards to him when she’d first found out about her heritage. Somehow, between saving the world, and ensuring peace; - they’d found each other. Not in the philosophical sense. In the physical sense. He’d been "around", "protecting" her, ensuring her "safety". And she’d been "there", and there was that ultimate sensation of "chemistry" that enthralled them. And so it had cocooned them, and they had their own little "love nest". Only they’d never spoken of love. And love was never a word she had associated with Heero. She loved him, of course. She’d been in love with him for years. However, she wanted this; -- wanted him and her together so much so that she was willing to settle for regular sex and a no strings attached passive-like agreement. The irony of all this was that her public life entailed other peoples’ willingness for her way or the political highway. Her private life, her love life; was a distinctly different story however.
"I want this. Just as we are." She settled on responding to him at last.
He nodded. Satisfied. She watched as the tension that had been evident in the way his shoulders had been set seceded the moment her answer left her lips.
"But--" She began.
"What?"
"What do you want, Heero? --With me, that is?" She asked the question, although she wasn’t really sure if she wanted to know his reasoning.
The tension was there again. He sat up, and the sheet that had been covering them, slipped down, and pooled around him. She too sat up, waiting for his response. Preparing to leave the bed, to make a hasty exit if need be. This was despite the fact that they were in her suite of rooms.
He fingered the cotton sheets, while she mutely waited for his response.
He looked up at her. Dark blue eyes met her own lighter blue ones. Dark and light, light and dark. Neutrality.
"Just this." He said, finally.
"Oh."
His left hand reached out towards her, and he grasped her right hand in his. Her pale skin a contrast against his own darker, more tanned tone.
He grasped her hand tightly, "And I want more, as well."
And all of a sudden she felt like the air in her lungs had been completely sucked out of her. Where was her oxygen, how would she breathe? What did he mean?
"Relena?"
And all of a sudden she could feel the thump-thump sound of her hear t beating. She’d heard that in extreme situations your heart beat would most certainly speed up. Her heart beat had sped up in the space of five seconds.
It felt like it was doing double time. She thought that if it sped up any more that it would most certainly break through her ribcage. Maybe, it would even free itself. And than it would most assuredly be out in the
open.
"Relena?" Heero asked again.
And all of a sudden things slowed down. Like suspended animation, everything was frozen. Her heart was still rapidly beating - she was aware of it almost thudding like a giant’s footsteps as she imagined it thudding
against her ribcage.
She looked at Heero. His face was impassive. But his eyes told her screeds. They told her to have faith. To hope. To respond.
Finally, an answer; --"More?"
He grabbed around the arms, pulling her over to where he sat, the sheet still pooled around his hips. She flushed, though she shouldn’t have been embarrassed, - they’d seen each other naked, been in the same bed together,
had sex countless numbers of times. It was almost habitual. Everything, except this conversation were per the norm.
"We’re more than this Relena. Our – this, ‘us’, -- we’re not just about
sex."
A pause.
"We aren’t?"
He shook his head, though he looked resigned as he did so.
"But before--?" She argued, sounding a little desperate.
He pulled her even closer. Now, she was practically in his lap. This wasn’t an unusual situation, - her being in his lap. It was the conversation that they’d been having, the direction it looked to be headed and concluding
in that was out of this world.
"Relena. It’s six thirty on a Sunday morning, don’t expect the world of me."
She sniffed.
He continued. "—And I don’t always know whether or not I should say the things I really want to say."
She smiled. A little.
He continued. "—We’re more than this."
"I know."
"We’re more than sex."
"Yes. Though it’s a very enjoyable component." She said as she ran her hands up and down his back.
A smirk forms on his lips, but leaves, just as it seems a thought has crossed his mind.
"What?" She asks him. They’ve almost gone through the whole horde of announcements for that morning, why not add another to the pile?
"I was thinking about something a little more permanent." He settles on answering her at length.
This is the answer she was obliviously looking for. There is no sadness that is felt as she realises that they are no longer in a deadlock, that their relationship will no longer be neutral. For she knows full well that once they step forward, their Switzerland will be left behind, and that they will have to face facts that they, together, are more than just sex. That they can be something more. And that though potentially battle-worthy, will be worth all the gold, bullion, silver, glamorous dresses, first class holidays, and sumptuous feasts in the world. she realises that it is for this possibility, this inkling that they are both willing to leave their neutral regard of each behind.
And so she smiles at him, and his eyes smile back at her.
And before leaning in to kiss him, a seal of complete agreement; she tells him, "Funny that. I was too."
Finis
A Sense of Neutrality
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Yay! Another great fic from you! I've been reading so much angst lately it's nice to read a well written sappy one. ^.^