Creep
By: Lara Winner
Song By: Radiohead
When you were here before
Couldn?t look you in the eye
You?re just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
Tossing his duffel bag on the end of the bed Duo looked around the small bedroom. He had pictured every inch of this room, every inch of the soft fluffy bed and cool air-conditioned space. Sleeping on the hard cold ground or in the cramped cockpit of his gundam was a habit he was more than ready to break. He was glad to be back indulging himself in the one part of his life he could consider normal. It was good to be home.
At the stray thought he sighed tiredly. This wasn?t home anymore than any other place he?d resided in at various periods of his life. Home was where the heart was, where love and faith made the dwelling more than plaster walls and concrete foundations. But that was too good for him. He didn?t deserve that kind of peace, that kind of healing redemption. He didn?t have a home because that one wish was always just beyond his reach.
Soft footsteps entered his thoughts and his ears strained to listen to the delicate sound. He didn?t turn around as they paused just outside his door. Before he could even release the breath he was holding all sound faded at the faint click of a door shutting. His stiff posture relaxed as he released his breath in an equal mixture of relief and disappointment. The tiniest part of him wanted Hilde to break the silence between them. He wanted her to force her cheerful presence into the darkness of his existence and shed some light on his lost soul. But as quickly as the feeling surfaced, as always, his cynical logic pushed it away reminding himself of what he had no right to take.
With almost robotic movements he began to unpack his things. Unable to stop his train of thought he flinched as he realized the last time they spoke was in this very spot, in his very room?..
She had her heart in her eyes. The deep blue shimmering depths called out to him despite the fear rising within him. Was he afraid of her? Yes. He wasn?t the fool he opted to portray himself as. He knew the honesty of her feelings and the guileless innocence that guided her every action. He knew that she was standing before him offering him a taste of heaven if only he could accept it. If only he could look her in the eye and tell her that she was breaking him.
But he couldn?t. He couldn?t condemn his sweet angel. She would be swallowed up by the darkness just like everyone else. All the hope that she could give him wouldn?t last because of his own lack of faith. And if he accepted her offer now, if he gave into his longings and her pleading eyes and sought his refuge in the sanctuary of her body he would destroy her innocence. He would scar her in a way that she couldn?t fathom. She was the last ray of light set to guide his way, he would not snuff out her inner brilliance in order to fill the void in his soul??
With a deep breath he forced open his eyes open shying away from the memory. He had refused her. The one time he exerted control over his selfish desires and did something noble he paid the price a hundred fold. She wouldn?t try to breach the silence now and she had no reason to. He had set her straight on the boundaries of their relationship and in the process of being a coward he managed to widen the chasm between them beyond the point of repair.
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
And I wish I was special
You?re so fuckin? special
But it was the right thing to do. It was the fair thing to do. She was out of his league and he had known that the moment he?d laid eyes on her. There was something within her that had caught him, something that teased him to dare to possess it. But she was not something to be kept. She was too fragile, too dreamlike to ever be more than a fantasy, and a forbidden fantasy at that.
Her essence, her life, the very world she surrounded herself in extended beyond his realm understanding. It intrigued him to no end just to watch her. She was so open, so expressive, so damn genuine with her feelings. She had nothing to hide. There were no demons lurking behind her childlike eyes. There was no sarcasm laced in her radiant smile. There were no walls shielding her heart from the care of others. There was an undeniable freedom in her existence. No chains of fear binding her to a lonely and miserable future, devoid of the pleasurable things in life such as happiness and love. She was completely fee to drift along the winds of fate and find her hearts desire. And he was bound by his last shred of honor to let her drift out of his life and away from his condemning influence once and for all.
Conceding to the truth and finality of his thoughts he put the last of his things back in their places. Crawling in the beckoning bed he flopped back against the pillows, his listless eyes staring sightlessly at the ceiling. Folding his hands behind his head he listened for any movement coming from her room. The barest hint of music drifted through the thin walls. Even fainter still he picked up on snatches of her voice as she sang in even tones along with the song. Despite his reluctance he could feel his unruly heart melting even more, falling deeper under her innocent spell leaving him a little more vulnerable to the inevitable pain that was bound crush him when she finally walked away.
But I?m a creep
I?m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don?t belong here
Rolling over on his stomach he pulled his pillow over his head trying to block out the sound. Closing his eyes he submerged himself in the darkness forcing his mind to let go of all thought, forcing his heart to let go of all feeling. Dragging in a ragged breath he squeezed his eyes shut tighter as the breezy sent of her perfume lit his senses.
He had a good idea as to why his pillows smelled like her. Probably many of nights, due to loneliness, she slept in his room. He had been gone three months. He had felt the pain of loneliness too. And his real thoughts did not help the inner battle he waged between his emotions everyday. It just made it hurt more to know that every night, even more than he longed to be in his own bed, he cursed himself for wanting to be in hers, home in the comfort of her loving embrace.
He bit his lip as a warm jolt flushed through his body. Familiar visions began to creep through his head. Hot steamy pictures of their bodies entwined, moving together in a mutual rhythm as they lavished each other with heated caresses and passionate kisses. Tasting blood he ignored the pain as he lost himself to his desire. If he concentrated hard enough he could imagine the feel of her skin. If he imagined long enough he could almost taste her.
I don?t care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
Sitting up abruptly he breathed hard attempting to get himself under control. His body was humming, straining with the need to seek out her warmth. A burning pulsing ache settled deep within him, daring him to deny what his heart and his body had been starved of for years. The temptation was just too strong. He needed her too much. His resolve was slipping more and more. He was as not a fool, if she made her polite yet eloquent offer again he would not be able to turn her down. And God have mercy on him for destroying her.
Stifling a groan at the way God or whoever else up there chose to purposely torture him, he listened tensely as her door opened. Again he heard her footsteps, hesitant this time, pause outside his door. The knob clicked and the hinges squeaked softly as she pushed the door open yet he couldn?t turn around. She didn?t know how beautiful she was, she didn?t know how her eyes had the ability to go straight through him. She didn?t know that if he looked at her right now she would be his ultimate downfall.
As her footsteps came even closer to the bed he rested the pillow in his lap trying not to flush as he nonchalantly concealed the proof of his desire. Striving for a light tone he forced his raging emotions away as much as he could. In an almost mocking tone he asked, "What ya need babe?"
"Nothing. I just??" As she spoke her forced tone faltered and she dropped silent.
"Just what?" He asked knowing he should leave well enough alone.
With a weary sigh she answered him in a small voice. "I?m just glad your back. I was worried about you."
"No need to, I?m fine a dandy. Look babe, I?m gonna try and get some sleep cuz I?m really tired so of you don?t mind?." He spoke in a rush not caring if he sounded abrupt or curt. He wanted to be alone, he needed to be alone before he did something completely stupid. After a moment the only response he received was the sound of his door closing and the sound of her soft footsteps retreating down the hall.
Ignoring the funny little pain in the center of his chest he ran his fingers through his hair in a show of frustration. He felt like his back was against the wall. He didn?t have any choice but to push her away. She didn?t understand that he was doing her a favor. She didn?t understand that his control of the situation was the only bit of control he had left in his godforsaken life. And he didn?t care if she hurt. He gave her fair warning, didn?t he? He had told her that he had little enough regard for her and even less for her heart. If she was stupid enough to still care then she deserved everything she got. Her foolish fancies were not his concern and her overwhelming emotions were not his problem.
Sitting in the suffocating silence a bitter smile quirked his lips. If only his heart weren?t there to contradict everything he was trying to force himself to believe.
I want you to notice
When I?m not around
You?re so fuckin? special
I wish I was special
Lying back down on the bed he closed his eyes giving into the exhaustion that filled him. He was so tired of everything. He was tired of the fighting and the killing. He was tired of pretending he was fine. He was tired of being alone. But that was the only existence he knew and could except. Not wanting to think and analyze and dissect his every thought, feeling and desire anymore than he already had he let the sleep claim his consciousness.
Hours later, which seemed to him like mere minutes, the soft creaking of his door jerked him from his dreamless oblivion. Instinctively he tensed, his trained senses open and alert for any movement. Peeking through almost closed eyes he watched as Hilde silently made her way toward the bed. He forced himself to relax, keeping his breathing steady despite his inability to tear his eyes away from her.
She came forward crouching down beside the bed and inanely he wondered if she could hear the frantic pounding of his heart. She reached out gently brushing his bangs from his eyes in a tender gesture and he couldn?t help but shift a little closer to her touch. He saw her eyes widen in surprise as the slightest hint of a smile curved her pouting lips. But as quickly as it came it was gone and she pulled her hand back abruptly. He swallowed hard as she lowered her eyes which glistened with what looked suspiciously like tears.
He could feel the hurt radiating from her making his chest tighten painfully. Her entire body seemed to be trembling as she dragged in a ragged breath to keep from breaking down into sobs. After a moment she looked at him again, her teary eyes dull with a look of utter defeat. Her voice barely above a whisper she choked, "I?m surprised you?re here Duo. I didn?t think you were coming back. You were gone so long and you never even called. I guess I?m just selfish but I was so worried about you and I missed you so much."
Despite the soft hushed tone of her words they screamed across his mind, the subtle anger unmistakable as she spoke. With the gentlest touch, as not to wake him up, she entwined her fingers with his and he had to resist the urge to squeeze her hand in reassurance. With a soft sigh she wiped at her eyes her lips twisting in a rueful smirk oblivious to the fact that she held his undivided attention.
"I don?t mean to place expectations on you, I really don?t. I just wish you?d be completely honest with me for once. If you don?t want to be here then don?t stay because of me. I don?t need to be coddled and pacified. I know you Duo, better than you think. If you were awake you?d laugh at me but its true. You can?t stand me and I wish you?d just be honest about it. You don?t have to pretend to be my friend anymore." As she spoke her smile faded and the tears began to flow once again. Sounding almost like an uncertain child she whispered, "I think we used to be friends right? We used to do everything together. Now I?m talking to you while you?re sleeping cuz I can?t say this stuff to your face. If this isn?t screwed up then I don?t know what is."
She blinked her eyes rapidly against the tears but he watched them spill down her cheeks despite her efforts. His own vision blurred as everything she said hit home. Was that what she really thought, that he hated her? Was he really hurting her that much? He wasn?t trying to hurt her, he was doing right thing. Hell, if she knew him half as well as she thought she did she?d know this was killing him. But what hurt the most was that she couldn?t tell him this. She couldn?t confide in him anymore and he was to blame for that. He had pushed her away just like he?d intended.
But I?m a creep
I?m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don?t belong here
She dried her eyes once again extricating her fingers from his. Sadly she sighed, "I?m sorry I did this to us, I?m so sorry. You were right, some things are better left unsaid." She paused for a moment then ever so softly she pressed her lips to his in the barest touch. She pulled away he felt his heart shatter when all the emotion left her voice as she lamented, "I wish to God I never told you I loved you."
The direct shot hit its mark and he felt his breath catch as his chest constricted agonizingly. He didn?t want to loose her this way. It wasn?t her fault she followed her heart but it hurt like hell to know that he couldn?t follow his so easily. Yet there was no question that she possessed his heart completely. Still he had no right to love her. I would be an unforgivable sin if ever dared lay his hands on her. But how could giving in hurt her anymore than he was hurting her now? Why did they have to hurt at all?
He wanted to say something, anything but lash out at her again. Giving up the pretense of sleep he looked up at her face realizing he didn?t have to say a word. She was blushing furiously, staring at him wide eyed. A second later she pulled back rising to her feet as she stuttered mortified, "I?I didn?t mean to wake you. Sorry?"
"Don?t!" He pleaded jerking upright as she reached for the door intent on retreating to the privacy of her room. She froze, her hand on the doorknob and her eyes averted away from his own intense gaze. Not quite knowing how to say what needed to be said he looked at her helplessly. But he knew anything would be better than nothing at the moment as he took a deep breath trying to think past the whirling emotions that had him at the breaking point. Apologetically he whispered, "I heard what you said. I guess I should?ve told you I was awake."
"You heard everything?" She asked refusing to meet his gaze.
"Yeah." He said watching her tense as he spoke. She was gripping the knob so hard her knuckles were white and he could see her biting her lip absently just like she always did when she was nervous. She looked so vulnerable at that moment, so unsure of herself, that it made his own hesitancy fade. Holding out his hand in a genuine offer he entreated softly, "Come here babe."
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You?re so fuckin? special
I wish I was special
"Why?"
The soft yet toneless question made his determination even stronger. He had to do this before his logic kicked in. He had to do this before the pain faded and he became too scared to let her close. Not taking his eyes from her he smiled ever so slightly. "You want me to level with you right? Well this is a rare moment of honesty so hear me out please."
She glanced at him curiously and he continued to hold his hand out patiently. He couldn?t blame her for her hesitancy. He knew she was confused by his actions especially after the way he?d gone out of his way to keep her at arms length. But he was tried of playing his part. Why did he have to give up the one thing that meant the world to him? He still didn?t think he deserved her but since when did he ever follow rules, even the self imposed ones.
Slowly she walked toward him still not looking him in the eye. Gently he took hold of her hand pulling her toward him despite her reluctance. She was shaking. She looked like she was ready to bolt. "Sit down." He commanded.
When she didn?t move he tugged her hand forcing her sit beside him. Her eyes narrowed and her lips pursed as she snapped, "Spare me the lecture okay. I don?t need to be told how childish I am or how fed up you are with me."
"That?s not what I was gonna say so shut up and listen." He snapped back. When she grudgingly remained silent he sighed. "I know I?ve been treating you like shit but I don?t hate you. I just don?t want you to make the biggest mistake of your life. I?m not in a position to make you any promises. I?ll always be leaving on missions and I could get myself killed. And even if I could promise you the world I?m not the most dependable person. Let?s face it, I?ve been alone too long. I don?t know how to depend on you and I don?t have any faith left. And you can say you don?t care all you want but one day I?m gonna let you down and you?re gonna realize that you fucked up when you put all your faith in me."
"You can?t help what you don?t feel and I didn?t come in here to beg for your affections. I just wanted to apologize." She mumbled as she started to rise to her feet.
"And I?m trying to tell you I love you so for God?s sake will you sit down and stay put!" He hissed wincing as he realized he hadn?t meant to say it quite like that. He still wasn?t sure if he meant to say it at all but it was a little too late now.
"What?"
At the astonished tone of her voice he smiled sheepishly looking down at their joined hands. "You heard what I said. Is it really that hard to believe?"
"Coming from you, yes." She whispered.
"I guess it is isn?t it?" As he spoke he looked up into her wide tear filled eyes feeling his heart lurch in his chest. Reaching out he brushed her hair gently behind her ear trying to fight the equal mixture of fear and elation that warred inside of him. "You can do better than me Hilde. Why are you still here? Anybody else would have said to hell with me a long time ago."
"I love you." She answered simply. At his smile and similar smile curved her lips as she grumbled, "Even though you are the biggest asshole I?ve ever met."
"Seriously, I don?t want to hurt you and I know I will." He said sadly.
She met his gaze steadily. "So, nobody?s perfect. I?m not gonna just give up on you."
"You promise?" He asked, his tone hopeful yet serious.
"If you promise not to give up on me." She challenged.
Looking into her eyes he knew he would promise her anything just to keep that look of wonder etched on her pretty face. Nodding his head he leaned closer, his fingers slipping through her silky hair pulling her toward him gently. "I can try Hilde." He breathed and before she could even reply he cover her lips with his own.
Pushing aside the guilt that nagged at him he felt everything fade away as she kissed him back, her lips moving against his with equal passion. His dream was right in front of him and finally within his reach. With all his heart he hoped that he could keep it from fading away.
But I?m a creep
I?m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don?t belong here
I don?t belong here
A.N.- This is an old song fic that I wrote back in... '01. (i think) It's one of the few fics that actually turned out exactly like I planned. I hope you enjoyed the angsty ending. I'll leave their fate to your imagination but in my mind...
It's happily ever after baby!
Thanks for reading. Luv ya guys!*_*
