Title: How Not to Kidnap a Vice Foreign Minister
Author: Omnicat v''v
Rating: K+ / PG
Genre: Humor, Parody
Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge: Gundam Wing in its entirety and some general knowledge of Code Geass. A summary or description of the basic premise would do.
Warnings: Non-graphic vomiting.
Pairings: Somewhat less slight Heero Yuy x Relena Darlian-Peacecraft.
Disclaimer: Neither Gundam Wing nor Code Geass are mine. This was written for fun, not for profit.
Summary: When you get kidnapped about three times a day, it tends to get boring. Repetitive, you know? But some incidents still stand out...
Author?s Note: If you can stomach it, enjoy. ^^;
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How Not to Kidnap a Vice Foreign Minister; After Lunch
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Coffee, Relena had decided by lunch time, was the answer to everything. World peace, poverty, disease, alien invasions - nothing a little caffeine couldn?t fix.
Heero kept a wary eye on her all through that morning?s meeting with the Minister of Trade and sat in on her dayly hour of paper pushing, brooding in a chair by the door and looking for all the world as if he expected her to slash his throat with the sharp end of a proposal at any moment. What he was so worried about, Relena could not fathom. She?d never felt better.
There was the tiny fact that she couldn?t remember anything of what had happened before breakfast that morning, but then again, it wasn?t often that she could remember. It was rather unlikely she?d be in such a good mood if anything bad had happened.
When the clock struck noon all such thoughts evaporated, however. There hadn?t been a standing clock in Relena?s office in a while, not since an aspiring world conqueror had sabotaged the last one so the strikes took on a hypnotic effect, which Relena and Heero had only been saved from by a surprise visit from Duo, who had selective deafness down to an art form. And the one before that had been meddled with as well; there were still dents in Relena?s desk where the bolts and cogs the thing had started spewing had struck. (The saboteur had turned out to be a rather pleasant gentleman with the unfortunate tendency to burst out in aggressive raving whenever the word ?time? fell, because he was convinced there was an alien invasion at hand that would wipe out all life on Earth unless he was put in charge of the entire Earth Sphere.)
Luckily, Heero?s internal clock was just as accurate - if not more so - than any mechanical device. In a beautiful display of classical conditioning, his stopwatchy habits caused Relena?s stomach to start growling as soon as he jumped up from his seat. Her conditioned responses were thrown for a loop, however, when instead of walking out and coming back with the lunch boxes Pagan had prepared for them that morning, he walked around the desk, lifted her from her office chair, threw her over his shoulder, and carried her out of the building and into the adjoining park.
Once there he deposited her on a bench, said ?Don?t move until I come back.?, and stalked off again. Relena shifted anyway. Being diagonal wasn?t very comfortable. Moments later Heero returned, a frightening number of trays in his hands - and on his arms, shoulders and head. With one look at the way it was all kept upright, Relena knew at least two laws of nature were being broken. But Heero had never been very particular about rules and regulations, and unloaded and installed his cargo onto the stone bench at perfect ease.
?Er, Heero...? Relena started, unsure of what she should ask about first; his juggling or the absurd amounts of trays for their no larger than usual lunch.
But Heero only grinned triumphantly, and the only thing he would say was: ?I still got the hang of it.?
Nagging Heero into anything was a lost cause, so Relena gave up asking for an explanation after a while. The meal was as peaceful as the carefully laid out gardens could inspire. They talked a bit, ate Pagan?s lovingly prepared sandwiches and salad, Heero flirted a bit in his peculiar, ?I?ll-kill-you?-means-?hi? kind of way.
And then, with an explosion that was entirely unnecessary, because the garden was freely accessible to the public through a gateway right next to the piece of wall being blown up, they were surrounded.
Heero jumped up, slipped on the stack of trays he?d piled next to the bench, banged his head on the stone edge, and lay still.
Relena grimaced and barely had time to sigh ?Is it that time again?? before a bag was pulled over her head and she was tossed over a hard, pointy shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
?Hey now, just because I let Heero do this doesn?t mean just anyone can have a go.? she said, but her voice was smothered by the gunny sack. Normally she didn?t mind the daily attempt at her capture, but this man?s hand was coming very close to forbidden territory.
The thought of the rudeness of today?s kidnappers was quickly dissipated, however, by others along the lines of Ouch, ouch, ick, oh please stop that, I just ate, because the shoulder she was draped over punched her in the gut with every step. After a few uncomfortable and increasingly miserable minutes, she was put back on her own, by then quite wobbly legs, turned around roughly, and rid of her cap. A door closed behind her.
She turned out to be face to face with a gangly young man with black hair and an extravagant dark suit with a cape. A bird-like pink symbol glowed in one of his eyes, and he said, with a voice like he was trying to make himself sound older than he really was: ?Relena Darlian, I, Lelouch vi Britannia, command you -?
?I?m going to throw up.? Relena said.
In the one moment left before she did, the guy?s eyes widened and he screamed: ?Not on my shoes!?
And before Relena knew what was happening, she was bent over the unsavoury remains of her noon meal, safely out of ?Lelouch vi Britannia?s? way. Her kidnappers had somehow managed to return and start arguing without her noticing.
?- that for, that was our only chance!?
?Zero should think of his image! Who?s gonna follow a leader with puke all over his shoes??
?Who treats someone that way when they?ve just eaten in the first place?!?
Somewhat to the side of the quarreling group was a girl of approximately Relena?s age with reddish-pink hair, who smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand repeatedly. After heaving a deep, frustrated sigh, she grabbed a still dazed Relena?s arm and led her away, gently but firmly.
?You?re no use to us anymore. I?m sorry about this, Miss Darlian. Zero, our leader, honestly means well, but he can come off a little melodramatic sometimes.?
?No kidding.? Relena said weakly, one hand pressed to her stomach.
The girl grimaced. ?Really, our apologies. It won?t happen again.?
?I?ve heard that before.? Relena mumbled. If her security was tightened much more often, it would make atoms implode. ?I take it this was your first kidnapping??
The girl nodded sheepishly.
?And it wasn?t even about a ransom??
?No.?
?Oh, well. Just bring me back to where you dragged me from. Heero would have a fit if he woke up without me there.?
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PSAN: Stay tuned for the next - vomit-free - chapter! Who knows what might happen during dinner? ^_~
How Not to Kidnap a VFM 2: After Lunch [Code Geass X-Over]
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