Title: Learning To Breathe
Author: Eisha
Rating: PG [language]
Summary: A look through the eyes of unrequited love.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. Nor do I own Learning To Breathe, which belongs to a great band called Switchfoot.
Author?s Notes: This is my first post to Blissful Ignorance and my first completed Gundam fanfic, though I've been a fan for ages. I wrote this in 20 minutes, so it?s definitely not my best work. But the mood called for it. And as all hungry authors yearn for -- R&R would be a feast for the soul. Enjoy.
Learning To Breathe
Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
The sun peered in through half-drawn curtains upon a slumbering man entangled in cotton sheets. His limbs, much like the sheets, were strewn around at awkward angles, evidence of a listless night. He stirred as the sun light moved up towards his face, his eyes slamming more tightly shut as the remnants of last night?s liquor churned in his stomach. Groaning and turning his head to the side, he found no comforting darkness. Shining, chipper rays assaulted his eyesight mercilessly from the windows on either side of the room. Goddammit, does the sun hate me too?
After a mental count to five, he braved opening one eye and held it open for some time as the throbbing in his head began to dull away. He sighed. Now both orbs were open, peering at the green digital numbers next to him. Oh to hell with it. I?m taking the day off. He was already late for work, so what was the point?
Nothing mattered anymore.
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
He sighed again and turned in bed, furrowing his head into the pillow. It never hurt this badly when he got drunk before; then again, when was the last time he drank nearly his weight in alcohol? He was certain never, but yesterday had called for it.
She was married. She was Mrs. What?s-His-Face. She was his wife, but not his. They weren?t together -- not now, not ever.
And why?
Because he was too terrified. He was too cowardly to let someone into his heart, into his soul, into his life.
He was ? afraid.
And dammit, that struck him right in the heart.
No no no ? he needed to stop thinking about her. This wasn?t going to get him anywhere other than closer to a bottle of vodka.
If he had anymore, that is.
So this is the way that I say I need you
This is the way that I'm
Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
This was his punishment, wasn?t it? For needing her, but only from afar. For wanting her, but only at a distance. For loving her, only inside his heart.
Someone up there really knew how to play at his heart.
But then again, she had always wanted him, hadn?t she? Even when they were together for a short while, she always needed him, and the fire in her heart was always saved for him, but not he. The love in her eyes when she looked his way was dimmed, muted; a consolation prize for the runner-up who only got to wear the crown by sheer misfortune. It was if she never even saw him -- only him.
Why was he doing this to himself? Like it made a difference.
She was off in some exotic place, having the time of her life with her new husband.
New husband maybe, but forever lover.
God, how could he face those two when they came back? How could he look her in the eye after all this? She thought that everything was fine between them, that he never had feelings for her beyond that of close friends. But it wasn?t her fault. It was his. He knew his heart -- that miserable, traitorous thing that only breathed for her -- was the only culprit here to blame.
Why had he been so afraid? Maybe he would learn that from this.
I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies
I wonder ? I wonder if she ever knew what she meant to me ... No -- how could she? He was the master of hidden feelings, was he not? Oh sure, he could fool the best of them.
Hell, he had fooled her, hadn?t he?
She thought he was happy, that he was glad she was beginning a new life. But it was without me ? how could I be happy?
She was the only happiness in his life, the only glimmer of clarity so deep it seized every cell, every fiber of his being. And now, she was gone. Slipped through his fingers into another's arms.
What could he do now?
What could he possibly do with his life? How could he continue through the days, knowing that he blew it? That he had had his one shot, and he turned and ran with his tail between his legs?
He would give anything, anything in the world to be in his place right now. To be holding her, kissing her, making love to her whenever he pleased. But she didn?t love him.
He sighed again.
It would -- could -- never be that way. Just a wish, a dream, a distant star, and nothing more.
Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
The wedding was yesterday. She stood there, in all her ethereal glory, walking towards her fianc? with the biggest smile that he had ever seen gracing her lips. But the smile was for him, not the pining best man standing off to the side.
Best men aren?t supposed to want the bride. They?re supposed to be there to support the nervous groom.
Too late ? he?d wanted her from the minute he?d laid eyes on her.
His mind wandered back towards the wedding against his will. The memories, those horrid memories, flashed in front of his eyes continually. How she walked down the aisle, how they perfectly recited vows of honor and devotion, how tears of joy slipped down her glowing face as she leaned towards him for their first kiss as husband and wife.
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad
What was the point of love, anyway?
It either works or it doesn?t, and the latter hurt like nothing else in the world. How great could something be when it caused so much pain? Sure, all the romance movies and books made it sound like it was the best thing in the whole goddamn universe, but they never said anything about the poor, love-sick saps who got kicked aside while the lead couple was happily intertwined out in each others? arms.
Ugh. Disgusting.
It never seemed to hurt so much before though. Maybe somewhere in his mind, his stupid mind, he thought that one day she would come to her senses and love him! Not him, HIM!
Why couldn?t she see what had always been right in front of her?
How could she just push him away the moment he came running? He was with her through all the tears, not him. He was there through everything -- through the lonely nights, the nightmares, the lost dreams, the shattered hearts.
Where was he?
And still -- the grandest fucking irony of it all. He was the one sitting here nursing the broken heart. Not him.
So this is the way that I say I need you
This is the way that I say I love you
This is the way that I say I'm yours
She was happy though. It was alright. As soon as a smile graced her lips, he would find one too. He would wake up every morning just to see her happy face, even if the joy wasn?t for him. He would go on through the days just for an occasional lunch with her, or maybe even a friendly phone call, reminiscing about days long past.
He would toss through the nights, though, dreaming of what was but never became. It was alright though. He would live. He would persevere. He would make sure that he treated her the way she deserved. He would make sure that he didn?t leave her life again.
He would make sure she was happy.
Happy without me ? But happy nonetheless.
This is the way, this is the way
I?m learning to breathe
He allowed himself one tear. A single tear in the comfort of his own private despair was allowed past his closed lids, but nothing more. He would not shed tears, so long as she lived. So long as she was happy.
So long as she loves me, even if in her own small way.
Duo turned over in bed, sighing one last time before darkness overtook him.
?Relena??
Fin.
Learning To Breathe [PG, 1/1]
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