Pissing Contest [PG-13]

[wonderllama]

Just for all of you wonderful people at BI, I'm posting this here. I already have it on ff.net, so if you've already read it... then read it again!

Disclaimer ? I don?t own it. But if I did, I would take all of that revenue and buy all of The Beatles song rights from Michael Jackson, and then give them to Paul McCartney. Cause I loves him.


A/N: Just a little ficclet that popped into my head. I like to think that post-series, Heero and Relena are dating. I also like to think that because of that fact (and many others?) Milliardo and Heero are at each others throats a lot. And I find that especially humorous.

Side Note: Many thanks to mafuyu hotaru for being such a great beta. =D







Pissing Contest


?She?s not a prize, you know.? The older man stated, his frosty blue eyes landing on Heero Yuy, who didn?t look up.

?I?m aware.?

?She?s not a reward for the fighting you did during war.?

?I know.?

?She?s first and foremost a Peacecraft. In addition to that, she is also my sister.? Milliardo Peacecraft was sitting in a chair in the kitchen of the Peacecraft mansion, Relena?s home. And he was looking at Heero from across the table. They both had their Preventer uniforms on and were sipping coffee. Both were drinking it black.

?I know,? Heero answered, after a moment?s pause.

Milliardo frowned at his monotone answers. ?Do you think you deserve her??

That got his attention. He glared at Milliardo from under his messy brown bangs. ?Is that really any of your business??

?I?m her brother.?

?So be a brother, and stay out of her business.?

Milliardo straightened. ?You may be new to the concept of family, Yuy, but I certainly am not.? His acidic tone ate into Heero?s armor. Milliardo could see where his insult had punctured the younger pilot, and it gave him a sense of satisfaction. Not only did he rival Heero Yuy in piloting mobile suits, but in repartee, as well.

?Being absent from her life for fifteen years must really be the definition of good family.? Heero?s comment wiped the smile off of Milliardo?s face rather quickly. The older pilot bounced back.

?It was for the best.? He spat, glaring at Heero. ?Besides, I never told her that I was going to kill her.?

?I never actually did.? Heero defended himself.

Milliardo scoffed, ?But the point is you threatened her life.?

Heero smirked, ?And then I saved it when I rescued her from Libra.?

?I wouldn?t have let her die.?

?You were going to crash it into Earth.? Heero?s eyebrow rose as he gave the older pilot an amused smile.

?I was going to make sure she was safely off of it.?

Heero shrugged, ?Best laid plans.?

Two minutes left in the fourth quarter, Milliardo threw a Hail Mary to the end zone. ?You were going to kill her inside the President?s mansion when Dekim kidnapped her!?

Heero?s smirk slid off of his face.

Touchdown.

?What was I supposed to do?? Heero?s voice had become dangerously low. He often used that tone to scare new recruits, but it didn?t seem to work on Milliardo. It seemed to amuse him more than anything. ?Dekim needed to be defeated.?

?I?m just saying you risked her life,? It was Milliardo?s turn to smirk.

?I saved the world,? Heero pointed out.

?For all you knew, you killed her,? Milliardo kept the upper hand. Heero Yuy was clearly unsettled.

?Une was there.?

?You didn?t know that.?

?Does it really matter? She?s alive.?

?I?m just saying that you?ve risked her life several times.?

?And I?m just saying you should butt out of it.?

The object of their discussion entered the kitchen in a gray business suit and pulled her hair into a ponytail. She looked at both men. ?Good morning,? Relena said apprehensively.

?Good morning,? They echoed, their eyes fixed on each other. They were locked in a glaring contest.

Relena looked from her brother to her boyfriend and shook her head. She poured herself some coffee.

?Is there something I should know?? She asked, breaking the silence.

?No,? They said at the same time, eyes narrowing at the other.

Relena nodded her head, ?Well,? She took a sip of her coffee in lieu of something constructive to say, ?This is nice.? The statement fell flat. She sighed. In all of her oratory skills, that was the best she could come up with? Relena tapped her fingers on the kitchen counter.

?Yeah,? Heero finally responded, ?Breakfast with your crazy, spiteful brother is nice.?

?Indeed,? Sneered Milliardo, ?Every morning I get to spend with your suicidal, misogynistic, violent boyfriend is a great one.?

?Misogynistic? Zechs, do you even know what that means??

?I wouldn?t have used it if I didn?t, Yuy.?

Stalemate.

Relena looked at the two men again. Her eyes went from Heero to Milliardo. Milliardo to Heero. Heero to Milliardo. She was getting dizzy. And it was only 7:30.

?Ok, well?? her oratory skills failed her again. She silently cursed herself. What good was she, if she could stop a fight in the colonies, but not in her own kitchen? ?I?m going to go to work.?

?I?ll drive you.? Heero stood up.

?No, I?ll drive.? Milliardo stood up.

Relena stood behind the counter. ?I was thinking I could drive.?

?No, it?s too dangerous.?

?You?re worried about her safety now, Yuy? After you let Romafeller invade the Sanq Kingdom??

?I?m surprised you even care, Zechs. You left her in Dorothy?s care on Libra.?

?Look, I thought Dorothy was sane!?

?Have you seen her??

Relena threw her hands up in the air. ?I?m just going to call Trowa.? She said, walking out of the room.

Heero and Milliardo stared at each other from across the table.

Relena walked back in the room five minutes later. ?Trowa?s here. So,? she looked at them again and sighed, ?What is the matter with you two!??

?Nothing.? They answered in unison.

?Fine.? She answered, walking over to Milliardo. He looked at her and smiled. He bent down to hug her. She returned the smile and kissed him on the cheek. ?Be nice.? She warned, acting more like the older sibling than he was. Milliardo begrudgingly nodded after shooting a glare in Heero?s direction.

Relena walked around the table and stood on her tip-toes to kiss Heero on the cheek. Heero moved, not before giving Milliardo a smirk, and gathered her in his arms. He kissed her passionately, hands on the small of her back. He leaned forward, holding her as he deepened the kiss. When he broke it, Relena stared up at him, amused and breathless. ?You should fight with my brother more often.? She murmured, kissing him once more for good measure. With one thumb, she gently wiped her lip gloss off of his lips.

Heero smirked.

Milliardo seethed.

Relena looked up at Heero and put on her most intimidating face. ?Be nice.? She gave Heero the same warning.

There was a knock on the door. Heero released her. With a wave, Relena left the figurative war zone.

As soon as she left the kitchen, she heard glass break, and an angry growl she assumed came from her brother. She sighed.

Trowa stood at the door. ?Busy morning?? he asked, smiling. He peered around her to find the source of the noise.

She grabbed his arm and led him out the door before he could become enthralled. ?You have no idea.?

v-v-v-v-v-v

Boys are funny.

[Nihal]

short, cute and funny, I loved it

?Look, I thought Dorothy was sane!?

?Have you seen her??

my sides ache

[PeaceWing]

Ha! That was awesome. I really love these kind of fics. So cute.

[HiFreak]

Love it.

[lilac310]

I've read this on ff.net ....a really hilarious story! this pretty much sums up Heero and Zech's comical sides....if they have one..lol ...I love all the little blurbs...esp. the part about Dorothy! Love it!