<b>Disclaimer:</b> What are you kidding? Read this and you'll know for sure I don't own anything but my insanity.
<b>WARNING:</b> This fic contains the following ingredients: perverted behaviour (in a comedic sense), constant misunderstandings, confusion, chaos and a double dose of Relena! Mind the racy pace, I whizzed through like mad writing this.
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<center><b>The X-VFM202</b></center>
Part 1
<i>AC 202</i>
Duo sauntered into the abandoned warehouse with his arms crossed behind his head and his gaze wandering over the abandoned vehicles, space carriers and old mobile suits lying around.
?Yo Howard, you here?? He called out and frowned as there was no reply.
A head suddenly popped out from the top of a pod shaped thingy looking grubby and dirt smeared, causing Duo to jump back in alarm. He drew his gun, pointing it at the hostile object.
?Oh hey Duo, glad you could make it.?
He relaxed; it was just Howard.
?Geez, don?t scare me like that!?
Howard blinked, ?Sorry.?
Duo shrugged it off and holstered his gun, ?Never mind. I got your message. Is this the thing you wanted to show me??
Howard climbed out and grabbed a cloth off a nearby table, wiping the grease off his hands and face. ?Nah, this baby?s just a simulator I?m trying to fix up so I can play my old porn movies in it.?
?Sweet!? Duo grinned, ?When can I try it out??
?Not now, there?s something better I got to show you. This way.?
Duo?s interest was definitely peaked now. He followed Howard through a section lined with narrow crates and entered deeper into the warehouse. Duo looked around, ?Why we back here? You always have your recent projects out front.?
?Not this one.?
It was really messy; huge piles of junk littered the floor. Metal parts and rods, frayed wires and circuits, broken machinery?Duo?s eyes were caught by something which suspiciously looked like a metal limb sticking out but before he could stop to examine it, Howard called at him to hurry up.
<i>How big is this damn warehouse anyway?</i> He wondered.
Howard stepped into an area surrounded by some more metal crates of varying sizes. Before Duo could open his mouth to ask where the hell they were going, he noticed Relena sitting on a small metal platform. She looked up at them both and smiled.
He stopped short and missed Howard?s wide grin. ?Relena!??
Relena stood up rather stiffly. Her blue eyes softened and she tilted her head slightly, ?Duo.?
She was wearing a gorgeous dark pink silk robe that slid over her body to her knees and was tied with a sash. Duo stared at her wide-eyed before ripping his eyes away to give Howard an incredulous look, ?Just what exactly is going on here??
?Have no fear Duo my man; Relena?s just here to demonstrate.?
Duo looked between them, chuckling nervously, ?I can?t have heard that right??
Howard gave a positively evil grin, ?Show him Relena.?
Relena reached down jerkily and, in one fluid movement, whipped her arm upwards and outwards in a perfect arc, pulling the sash with her. It fluttered in the air and the robe fell away. Duo?s jaw dropped open as his eyes were assaulted by creamy pale skin covered sparsely in almost see-through, lacy black lingerie and sleek legs hugged tightly by accompanying thigh highs.
It was enough to set the saliva glands working in overdrive.
Duo shuddered at the sight of her and felt his pants tighten but jolted as he realised who he was drooling over. Oh this was dangerous territory now. He yelped and slapped a hand over his eyes, ?Relena what the hell are you doing!?? He raced forward and tried to pull her robe around to conceal her body. She looked at him curiously making no move to help and it was Howard who pulled him away gently.
?All right Relena, you?ve tortured him enough. Cover up.?
Relena calmly complied while Duo recovered from the shock. He sank down on one of the crates heavily, ?Someone tell me what the hell is going on?? He wheezed.
Howard loped an arm casually across Relena?s shoulders making Duo wince. He lifted his chin proudly. ?Duo, may I present?? He paused for dramatic effect; one could almost hear the drum roll in the background.
?The Relenabot X-VFM202!?
Silence.
The gears in Duo?s head slowly began to wind and turn. ?You mean?she?this?is a robot?? Howard grinned and drew the Relenabot closer, ?Yep.? The Relenabot just smiled.
Duo shook his head, ?Woah?.?
?You?re telling me. Even I?m amazed at my own success. Much more fun than making mobile suits eh??
Duo nodded slowly, still in a state of shock. He looked at Howard dubiously, ?And just how did you make her so?real??
The old man waved his hand nonchalantly, ?Oh you know, I studied those posters I have of Relena from last New Year?s party.?
Duo gaped. The posters in question were of Relena, pictured at all angles, wearing a sleek midnight blue number with a swirling black design that highlighted her curves; her creamy back bare and gleaming in the light; a front that was cut low enough to show a generous amount of cleavage and a long slit that showed one heck of a slender, sexy leg. How Howard had managed to retain copies when Heero made sure they were all burnt and anybody distributing them was ruthlessly hospitalised was anybody?s guess.
??need to change anything, I thought I might increase the breast size a little, cut down the waist; slim her thighs but hey, after my calculations she didn?t need any modifications. That girl is something.? Howard chuckled as he continued.
?Just how much detail did you put into her?? Duo gulped. Then an image of Relena underneath that robe made him swallow the lump in his throat. ?Never mind, I?m not even going to ask where you got her outfit.? He shook his head.
?She still needs some work on her movement, it?s slightly stiff,? Howard pondered, ?And her vocabulary is limited. She mainly responds to commands but she can map entities to certain names I?ve programmed her to recognise.?
?She said my name,? Duo remembered with a nod, ?What about you??
Howard stepped forward and tapped the Relenabot?s shoulder, ?Relena??
The Relenabot blinked and smiled, ?Master?how may I please you??
Duo choked, ?That is just?wrong. It sounds just like her!?
?Voice synthesizers,? Howard chuckled. ?She?s revolutionary, an advancement, a new step! And the best thing is she?ll do anything you tell her to. Think of all the endless possibilities??
They both broke off for a moment as they drifted into their own thoughts.
<i>
Duo was sitting in a deck chair in the sun.
?Oh yeah?mmmm. This is gooood. Keep it coming baby?? He coaxed.
?Would you like some more Duo?? The Relenabot asked, crouching before him.
?Yes! YES!? He groaned.
?I will comply,? The Relenabot answered.
?Hurry,? He urged and bent his head to take another bite of the huge Grilled Chicken sandwich bursting with every other filling imaginable. The Relenabot stood up holding a silver platter laden with food.
?And make me a Pepperoni pizza while you?re at it.?
?I will comply ??
</i>
Duo drooled at the thought. Howard next to him was in a similar state with a look of ecstasy on his face.
<i>
?It?s the Relenabot X-VFM202!?
There was loud applause as the Relenabot made her way on the stage in a hall filled with men cheering and whooping.
?Oh yes boys! Your darkest desires have now come true, don?t deny the real reason you follow politics, because this VFM, that?s <b>V</b>isually <b>F</b>ascinating <b>M</b>odel, is here to fulfil your wildest dreams!?
The Relenabot did a jerky twirl and was met with loud catcalls.
?Order now and get your own piece of this <b>E</b>rotically <b>S</b>exy, <b>U</b>nrivalled <b>N</b>ymph today! Don?t be shy!?
The crowd of men surged forward waving large wads of cash.
The scene shifted to a huge office. Howard was sitting with his legs up on a large desk and huge piles of cash littered around him. The Relenabot was standing attentively at the side.
?This is the life,? He sighed contentedly.
Suddenly a shadow clouded his vision and as he peered over the rim of his expensive designer sunglasses, he found himself looking into the barrel of a gun pointed straight at him. He jumped in fear and met the cold calculated stare of Prussian blue eyes.
The cigar fell out of his mouth and he grinned shakily, revealing the gold tooth in his mouth. ?Oh it?s you?heh. How are you doing on this fine day??
The figure didn?t move and Howard shifted uneasily.
?Well, I?m doing well. Business is good?? He coughed, ?Have you come here for a piece of her too?? He chuckled and tried to wink but it ended up looking like a twitch. Again, the figure didn?t move.
?You know, seeing how you?re a respected buddy and very?? He swallowed, ?Caring towards your fellow man; I?ll give you an extended period with her??
The eyes narrowed into slits and the finger on the trigger tightened.
?Free of charge!? Howard yelped.
Bang!
</i>
?Argh!? Howard clutched his heart and snapped out of his wonderful daydream. Duo looked at him sympathetically. ?Heero get in there too eh? He shot my pizza to pieces.? The braided pilot said sadly.
Howard looked around warily and grabbed the Relenabot, hugging her tightly. ?He?s going to take my baby away!? He moaned, ?I worked hard on her.?
The Relenabot tilted her head, ?Master??
Duo nodded in resignation, ?Yeppers, give up now, there?s no escaping from Heero.?
Howard glared at him, ?You?re supposed to be helping.?
Duo shrugged, ?What can I say? Heero might let your past antics slide and settle for calling you a pervert but this,? He gestured at the Relenabot, ?Ohhh no buddy.?
Suddenly they both started as they heard someone calling Duo?s name nearby. It was a familiar voice, from a certain stoic pilot. The thought sent chills up their spine and made their hairs stand on end. Duo turned to Howard in a panic, ?Do something! Heero will wipe us off the face of the Earth otherwise!?
?Relena go and hide!? Howard gave her a gentle shove behind some crates.
?I will comply,? She said blankly and stiffly walked off. No sooner had she disappeared from sight but Heero walked around the corner, holding his palm top with his eyes fixed to the screen while effortlessly navigating around any obstacles. He stopped a few feet away from them and looked up, his eyes narrowing slightly.
?What are you doing? I was calling for ages.?
Duo laughed and scratched his head, ?Oh sorry Heero, Howard was just...erm, showing me how big his warehouse was. Can you believe it? I?ve never actually been back here before.?
Heero stared at Duo for a few minutes with his intense look, searching for possible deception. Duo met his stare with a cheeky grin.
?Hn,? Heero replied turning back to his palm top and Duo sighed inwardly, he may not be as perfect as Heero but they didn?t call him a Gundam Pilot for nothing too.
?You?re needed back at headquarters,? Heero tapped and moved his pointer across the screen. Duo and Howard just stood there staring at him silently and he lifted his head, raising his eyebrow.
?Well? I haven?t got all day, I need to go and discuss some security changes with Relena.?
The mention of Relena?s name sent joints moving. ?Right, see you later Heero,? Duo dashed off. Howard just hummed a little tune, picked up a spanner and started tightening a nut on an old rusted shell of some contraption. He felt rather than heard Heero?s presence beside him.
?What?s going on?? Heero asked quietly. His voice soft enough to set warning bells ringing. Howard glanced at him nonchalantly, ?Oh nothing, just tinkering away with old stuff lying around here until Duo popped over for a chat.?
?Hn,? Heero stared at him for a while before shrugging and turning away. He walked off with his eyes glued to his palm top again and Howard visibly drooped after he was sure Heero had left. He immediately straightened as he remembered, ?Oh, Relena,? And ventured off to search for his baby.
<center>~~~~~~~</center>
Duo had already gone by the time Heero left the warehouse. He clicked off his palm top and put it in his jacket pocket before making for his car. He passed a narrow passage that ran along between the warehouses.
Then he stopped dead.
It couldn?t be?
Taking a few steps back he entered the passage and made his way down until he came to a side door that led into the back of the warehouse. His eyes widened at the sight of Relena standing there in a robe looking at him with a smile on her face.
Her eyes scanned him and softened as she tilted her head to the side. ?Heero??
?Relena what are you doing out here?dressed like that??
The way the silk clung to her body was rather interesting but Heero tore his gaze away and fixed them on her face.
?I am?hiding.? The Relenabot answered.
?Hiding from what??
?Unknown,? The Relenabot knitted her brows together in a cute frown. Heero was at a loss for words. She had a slightly glassy look in her eyes and seemed a little lost. His mind clicked with the assumption that she must have been sleepwalking or something similar. That was not a pleasant thought, she could have seriously hurt herself wandering around?in that. His eyes dragged downwards before he hoisted them up forcibly.
?Where the hell is your security??
The Relenabot paused almost as if she was processing something and then she replied with a smile, ?I am secure?am under no current threat from hostile objects.?
Heero cursed and grabbed her arm, yanking her after him. ?I haven?t got time for these games Relena. You <i>know</i> as well as I do that you have security posted around you for a reason. I?m taking you back to your apartment before you get in any more trouble.?
?Whatever pleases you, Heero?? He almost shivered at the way she said it; it sounded damn sexy. Heero snapped that thought up in a box and threw away the key as he bundled her in the car and got in beside her. She was looking at him as he started the engine but he pointedly avoided her stare, bending his mind to the single task of getting her to her apartment.
<center>~~~~~~~</center>
?Relena!? Howard called nervously. He should have heard something by now, she was programmed to answer. He searched endlessly around, digging through the junk in case she might be hiding there. ?Relena!? He called again. Silence. He flung his arms up in frustration, ?Come on baby, where are you!?? He stopped short when he caught sight of the open door in front of him, leading out into a narrow gap between the warehouses.
?Ohhhh crap.?
<center>~~~~~~~</center>
Heero came back to Relena?s apartment and found it bereft of anyone. He mentally promised to shape up security measures around here in the future, things were becoming too lax at this rate. He phoned in and another guard turned up to take position. This guy looked new; he had an eager face and a simple look; even if he was older than both of them. He would have to do though. Heero led Relena into the middle of her bedroom by her elbow. She followed obediently.
When he let go, he felt her eyes on him and turned to look at her. She smiled at him sweetly, ?Is there anything I can do for you Heero??
Was it his imagination or was there an underlying meaning to that question? No, it couldn?t be he reasoned. It was so odd that a few words from her caused his heart to pick up a beat and he found himself pulling his eyes up after they had traitorously lowered again to her chest. He sighed and his eyes softened ever so slightly, lighting up with an inner glow as he reached out to caress her cheek, ?Just stay put. You?ve been working hard recently and you need the rest. We?ll discuss security changes later.?
?I will comply.?
The corner of his mouth lifted in an amused smile. When he revealed what Relena said was his ?human side?, she often mimicked his stoic nature to counteract him. It was one of her little jokes. He took his hand away and gave her a final nod before leaving her room and confronting the security guard waiting outside.
?Don?t let her go anywhere and make sure she gets rest.? He warned. The man nodded his head and saluted, ?Yes sir!?
It was only when Heero had left her apartment and was driving back to his office that he realised her cheek had been cold to the touch. It made him frown momentarily before he dismissed it as a result of her being outside in that robe for too long.
<center>~~~~~~~</center>
Duo was overseeing the team checking over a shuttle ready for departure when his cell phone started ringing.
?Yello??
?Duo! Emergency!? Howard?s panicked voice screamed through the speaker. The braided pilot winced and held it away from him. He walked out of earshot from the others after waving them to continue on without him.
?Woah, calm down! What?s happened??
There was a noise at the other end as Howard apparently took a breath. ?The Relenabot?I can?t find her anywhere!?
?Don?t panic. Think carefully about where you last put her. Have you tried retracing your steps?? Duo soothed.
?She?s gone I tell you!? The old man said irritably, ?She?s not in the warehouse for sure and I found an open door leading outside.?
Now Duo?s brow furrowed in thought, ?She?s escaped??
?Duo, she was following a command to hide! I?ve searched the whole area and she?s nowhere to be found!?
?Well then she?s good at hiding,? Duo insisted.
?She always answers to her name, she would have come out by now.?
?Then somebody must have found her.?
Duo whipped the cell phone away from his ear as Howard shrieked. Not the sound one was expecting to hear from such an old geezer like him. Duo wondered if his vocal chords were aching after that one.
?My baby in the hands of some lecherous sex-crazed maniac!? Howard lamented.
?You mean someone like you??
?Exactly! We have to find her.?
?Well she looks exactly like Relena so who?s the first person most likely to find her wandering around in nothing but a robe??
Immediately both simultaneously voiced the same thought.
?Heero!?
<center>~~~~~~~</center>
Relena scribbled down the last number, completing the Sudoku puzzle in the newspaper and glanced over the rest of the page. She had finished all the crosswords, circled the differences and laughed at the funnies. Yup, she?d pretty much done everything. Sighing she put the paper aside and took a sip from her cup of tea. She glanced at the clock and frowned, it was so unlike him to be late. Something must have come up that demanded his attention. If she?d have known he would be this long she probably would have done some real work instead of doing the puzzle section in the paper.
She pushed her chair back and went to the window. Resting her forehead against the cool glass she closed her eyes and took a breath. It was nice to take a step back and have a breather like this. If Heero was here he would tell her that she worked too hard and needed rest. She smiled and almost imagined the gentle look in his eyes as he said it. But he was late, she snapped awake and frowned. Why did she have a strange tingling feeling that something wasn?t right? She stalked over to her desk and picked up her phone, leaning in to dial the number of Heero?s office phone.
?Yes?? Heero?s deep voice greeted blankly. She parted her lips in astonishment and couldn?t speak. Her hand slammed down the phone and she left her office without another word.
<center>~~~~~~~</center>
Heero frowned as he traced the call and discovered that it had come from Relena?s office. He was staring at his laptop screen in contemplation. Relena wouldn?t have disregarded his command to stay put and come in to work had she? He snorted and realised that giving Relena an order and expecting her to follow it was an impossibility.
<i>I will comply?</i>
But there had been something there that made him certain she was sincere. He got up and went to the door. There was only one way to find out?
His cell phone started ringing and the name on the screen said ?Duo?. Heero paused for a moment as it rang and then switched it off. Whatever Duo had to say could wait.
<center>~~~~~~~</center>
They met in the corridor where the long arched windows of the building cast beams of light across the floor and walls.
?What are you doing in your office!?? They both shot at each other.
Relena?s eyes looked at him in utter disbelief, ?Waiting for you of course,? She jabbed her finger at his chest, ?You may recall mister that we are supposed to be in my office right now discussing changes in my security!?
Heero frowned at her, ?Relena, I said we?d discuss it later and you were supposed to stay at home and rest.?
Relena threw her hands up in frustration, ?And why wasn?t I aware of this? It?s nice that everyone arranges time off for me but it helps if I?m told about it!?
Heero crossed his arms and stared at her from beneath his bangs, ?I told you myself when I dropped you back at your apartment this morning.?
Now Relena gave him a look of complete bewilderment, ?Heero, I never saw you this morning.?
He narrowed his eyes at her, ?You were out of it.?
?Out of what??
He reached out and tilted her chin upwards, ?You were sleepwalking. I found you and brought you back to your apartment.?
Relena blinked at him and pulled away.
?That?s ridiculous! I don?t sleepwalk and my guard would have stopped me.?
?I know,? Heero confirmed, ?But your guard detail wasn?t there. When I brought you back, the apartment was empty.?
?Heero, my guard detail accompanied me here.? Relena was getting exasperated with him.
?Yes, I called someone else to fill the position.?
?That can?t be right, I would remember something like that.?
?You don?t remember because you were half-asleep, wandering around.?
?Is this a joke? I don?t sleepwalk!?
?Denial is a natural reaction.?
?I <i>don?t</i> sleepwalk!?
?How do you know?? Heero asked pointedly. Relena crossed her arms.
?Look, I just know!? She huffed, ?This is all crazy! I don?t know why you?re making up these stories??
Heero took her by the arms and pulled her to face him, ?Relena, I?m not making this up. You were outside wearing nothing but a silk robe??
?I don?t even own a silk robe! I?ve had enough! I?m going. Let go Heero!? She broke away from his hold and turned on her heel sharply making her hair flounce behind her and whip across his face.
He watched her go with a bemused look on his face.
<center>~~~~~~~</center>
The security guard glanced at Miss Relena?s bedroom door for the umpteenth time and wondered if he should peek in on her to make sure she was all right. He tugged at his collar nervously, he didn?t want it to seem awkward or misinterpreted in the wrong way. But the Preventer agent had told him to make sure she rested so he shouldn?t shirk his duties and coward away.
He placed his hand on the door knob and gently opened the door a crack. There was the Relenabot standing frozen and silent in the centre of the room. She looked dead and he almost choked in panic, ?Miss Relena??
He breathed a sigh of relief as she jerkily turned to face him and smiled. He opened the door fully and stepped inside, blushing as he took in the silk robe sensuously covering her body.
?Is something wrong Miss Relena??
She blinked, ?Nothing is wrong. I am fully functional.?
That was a bit of an odd thing to say. He stepped closer. ?Are you sure Miss Relena??
The Relenabot tilted her head, trying to map the new entity but there was no match. ?Yes.?
He stopped in front of her, ?You err?don?t seem to be fine. Why are you standing in the middle of your room like that??
The Relenabot smiled sweetly causing the guard?s heart to race, ?I am waiting for a command.?
?A com?command? What does that mean??
The Relenabot paused as she processed, ?Tell me what to do.?
Was that slightly suggestive? He pinned it down to his imagination but still tugged at his collar, feeling a little hot. He thought she looked a little lost with that glassy look in her eyes and felt a pang of sympathy. The young politician must have worked herself to the point of exhaustion till she didn?t even know what to do with herself he reasoned.
?Well erm?Miss Relena maybe you should get in bed. That is to say, if you want to, of course. But you really need the rest.? He sounded too uncertain and confused.
?Will that please you?? The Relenabot asked for confirmation.
The man spluttered and looked at her strangely. ?Well?I guess so.?
The Relenabot frowned slightly, ?I do not understand.?
The guard sighed, she really was a lost case. ?Look its simple. Just take off your robe and get in bed?hey no wait! Not in front of me!?
The guard stared with wide eyes as the silk robe fell away. He suddenly felt a rush of blood to his head, ?What are you doing??
The Relenabot paused and then stepped towards him, ?I am pleasing you??
He gulped, now <i>that</i> was clearly suggestive. ?Miss Relena really!? He yelped and stumbled backwards over his feet. The Relenabot crouched down in front of him.
?Do you wish me to get in bed now?? She leaned forward slightly, her chest dipping so he could follow the curve of her breasts right the way down?
He felt a spurt of something warm trickling down from his nose in a rapid flood and scrambled out of the room in a hurry.
<center>~~~~~~~</center>
Heero paused from his typing and frowned as an image of Relena?s angry face popped up in his head. He focussed on the screen and tried to blot it out but it was still lingering. The feeling that something wasn?t right was still niggling at him; that and Relena?s rejection of course. He sighed and banged his head on the table. The brief pain washed away all thought for a moment and he was given a short reprieve, until he suddenly remembered his cell phone was still off.
He brought it out of his pocket and flicked it on. Immediately there was a message blinking on the screen; five missed calls from Duo. The braided pilot had something really important to say or he wanted to be annoying as usual. Heero opted for the latter and left the phone on his desk, returning to work.
Just then it started ringing.
?Oh gawd Heero where were you? I?ve been trying to get in touch for agggeees!?
It was Duo, Heero sighed inwardly and cut to the point. ?What do you want??
?Sheesh Mr I?ll-turn-you-into-an-icicle-with-my-stare, a ?hello?, ?how are you? and an explanation would be nice. Seeing as you?re a failure in that department though I?ll let it slide??
Heero?s office phone started ringing, he leaned over to see it was coming from Relena?s apartment.
?Anyway, listen you didn?t happen to come across Relena this morning did you? The funny thing is that she??
?Yeah I know Duo. Don?t worry I handled it and she?s safe. I have to go.?
?What? No wait, I have to tell you?? Heero cut Duo off and answered his phone.
?Sir Helb!? The muffled noise of the security guard came over the line. Heero frowned, ?What?s wrong with you??
?I can?d handle her! Dis is my thirb tissue!?
Heero didn?t really know what to say to that. ?Can?t handle who??
?Miss Relena of course! Ahhhh no, don?d come near me!?
There was a muffled cry and then a crashing noise and the line clicked, leaving Heero listening to the dial tone. He stared at the receiver in his hand. Relena was back at her apartment? She did say she was going so maybe she went back there but still, Heero frowned, that was pretty quick. Something was definitely wrong.
He left his office in a hurry.
<center><b>TBC</b></center>
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A/N: Crazy huh?
<---- Kawaii so desu a ne 
---->
