In the Silence 9 (CWxRP NC17)

[Jannbond]

In the Silence 9

Breathing deeply to calm her rapidly fluttering pulse, Relena braced herself against the door. The shock of seeing Wufei felt much better than she cared to admit. She hoped their parting, and time would have cooled the attraction. Obviously, it was too much to believe that a few days would make her forget.

It was difficult to remember how little she liked him when he persisted in looking so... damn good (to fall to a level beneath the skilled diplomat everyone was so intent on seeing). Therein lay the difficulty. Wufei was too perfect. He never faltered, never lost that arrogant, remote sheen he wore like armor. And as much as she admitted to wanting him, she wasn't going to be the knight to scale the walls. She tried that once, and failed.

She doubted he had gone yet. He hadn't ever seemed the type to let shut doors stand in his way. What bothered her most, was that she also knew him to be a person that did nothing on a whim. If he hadn't wanted to be here, he certainly wouldn't have wasted hours on a tedious plane ride. Which left her to wonder why. It was a bit hard to swallow that he would suddenly have a change of heart and travel to another continent to tell her. That left only one other possibility. He had watched the news.

Sighing, she reminded herself that made little sense either. Wufei most likely hadn't wanted the President to die, but neither would he feel particularly disposed toward the man responsible for his suspension. He was hardly one to go so far to ask her if she was all right when a simple phone call would have done the same. That was more Duo's style. Wufei didn't have a flare for the dramatic. Which led her right back to where she had begun, and no closer to answering the question unless she relented and invited him in. It was beginning to look like she wasn't going to have a choice, a fact which did not make her feel overly hospitable.

Squaring her shoulders as if a general going to battle, wondering when it was exactly Wufei had become a war, she slowly opened the door and regarded him coolly. Confirming her suspicion, he was standing just as she left him.

"Would you have taken the door apart to get in?"

"No, I was thinking I might camp outside your door."

She expected him to be difficult because it would make it easier to defend against. Instead, he gave her a rare glimpse of humor and offered an easy victory where she hadn't thought she would get one. If it were anyone else, she might have let it rest. Since this was Wufei, she mistrusted the abrupt shift to humility. It wasn't like him.

Coming here had been a gamble, and he knew it. He, who so rarely allowed himself to do anything without first considering the outcome, had, with some wild notion, snagged the nearest flight and shown up at her door with little more than a few days clothing and a miniscule amount of cash. What bothered him more than knowing he did it, more than having her slam the door in his face, was why. Why was she under his skin, there, even when he didn't want her to be? She was only another woman, like Lady Une, like Sally Po, like Lucrezia Noin. But he didn't want them.

He had seen Relena before, during the war, and after. He thought of her, as an ideal, a political figure as hazy as all political figures were. And then he met her, spent time with her, and found she was something behind the smiles and the poise. Yet, her hold on him eluded. So he had held her, comforted her, kissed her. That alone shouldn't have brought him here. His mind couldn't wrap around the concept; that he might actually have met a force he couldn't fend off.

Relena relented, moving back into her apartment to pull the door wider. "Come in. It's snowing like mad outside. I'm not going to force you back into it to find someplace to stay at this time of night."

He bent at the waist, picked up simple black bag, and straightened, meeting her eyes again in that direct way he had that always made her skin heat.

"Thank you."

A little astonished at his expression of gratitude, she didn't attempt to step out of the way when he brushed past her, leaving spice and warmth in his wake.

Closing the door with a soft click, she pressed her hands to it briefly, reminding herself that she could handle entertaining a guest in her bathrobe. She had given her first political speech at the tender age of 15 with little idea of exactly what she was doing and hardly any preparation, save for putting into words what burned in her heart, demanding to be spoken. What was inviting a man, she couldn't quite make up her mind whether she liked or not, into her own personal space to spend the night, compared to that?

Turning, she pointed to the couch. "You can set your bag there..." And trailed off, because he was standing right behind her, removing his shoes.

Having him this close was making her nervous. She didn't care for that feeling.

"I'll make something to drink. Cocoa?" She was already moving to the kitchen.

"That would be fine, thank you," he answered.

She took the cocoa from the cupboard and the milk from the fridge. He hadn't said why he was here, and she hadn't asked. Maybe it was that neither of them cared to touch that yet.

Wufei was resting in the doorway, swallowing up the space, making her feel as if there was no exit.

Setting the pan on the stove, she began heating the milk, indicating to the table with a motion of her shoulder. "You can sit, if you like."

Rather than comply, he studied her, looking for cracks. Her movements were fluent and her tone steady, but there were dark smudges beneath her eyes. Relena was careful to hold negative emotions close to her, as if she were afraid to share them for fear of what they would cause. He could say that about her, because she worked tirelessly, and against impossible odds, for others, for what she believed in, even when it was wrong or she was in danger of failure. Perhaps he admired her for that now where he once would have found it annoying, because he had followed paths in search of things and for reasons that felt right at the time. And like him, she was capable of breaking.

The milk was warming, the cocoa was in the mugs. She turned to him, bracing her back against the counter. Silent questions were in her eyes, but she didn't give them a voice. It should have felt uncomfortable here with him, in her small, warm kitchen, the night and the snow and the world outside and somehow ages away. This was her haven, yet instead of invading it, he filled it.

He was here now. Reasons, feelings, needs brought him. He didn't know what to do with them, because he couldn't put them away, or pretend they weren't real. Suspension kept him from getting lost in work. Heero kept him from getting lost in books. Meiran, even in death, kept him from forgetting what avoidance bred. It would be easy to let it pass him, easier to let Relena go on with her life as she always had before. But looking at her, at her eyes, it struck him that he didn't want to stand back and let something else claim what he could have.

They were both waiting for something to happen. She could feel it. So maybe it was better to get it out and quit stalling.

"Why are you here, Wufei?" She asked directly, proud of how centered she sounded.

He shifted, left the doorway, moved closer. "I saw you on the news."

She remembered what it felt like, standing beside the President when the gunshot split the air.

"The President is supposed to recover fully within a few weeks or so."

"I didn't ask about the President," he countered, dismissing her words.

"You haven't asked about anything," she reminded him softly.

Dark eyes held her. "How are you, Relena?"

He was at the table now, the flat of his palm resting against he wood.

"Why?" It was unkind of her, perhaps even childish, but she wanted to know why her health mattered to him.

Rather than get annoyed, as she expected, or blank out and avoid the question, he indicated to the now boiling milk and waited while she tended to it. Wufei wasn't acting at all as she thought he would, or better yet, as she was used to him acting. But then, she had spent a few short days with him, and was fast learning there were aspects to him she hadn't even touched. Still, she couldn't help but be uneasy, as if she were on shifting ground and he were standing perfectly level.

Some of the milk had burnt to the bottom of the pan, leaving a sickeningly sweet scent lingering in the kitchen air. She poured what was left into the two waiting mugs, hoping that her preoccupation hadn't ruined the taste. Passing one to Wufei meant leaving her corner, getting closer, but she curbed the feeling and let pride move her feet. With him watching her as he was, however, she felt almost like a sacrificial virgin with no inkling as to the danger she was about to encounter.

Their fingers brushed. It was just the slightest of touches, a brief slide of skin on skin, but the shock of feeling it created left him restless, aching, and very near impatient. All were things he would have to do without, nevertheless. He hadn't come here to love her only. There were things that needed to be said, things that needed to be explored before he committed himself that way. Given the words they flung at each other last time they were alone, it was better to tread carefully.

He couldn't help but notice that she hurried away from him and settled into the curve of the counter near the sink, belying the calm she was projecting.

The relaxation that came on the heels of that surprised him. The knowledge that she wasn't at ease any more than he was made broaching this easier.

"There are things between us that I want to understand," Wufei admitted, startling her.

Relena stilled, wondering. She feared taking the words for what they seemed to mean, however. There was always the chance to fall, but she wasn't ready to scrape her knees just yet.

"What things? People are attracted to each other every day, Wufei. There's nothing spectacular in that."

Something sparked in his eyes, a quick flash of anger, dark and potent, and she felt a thrill racing on the edge of fear.

"No." That one word vibrated with enough emotion for a thousand.

He set his cocoa aside, closed the distance between them, and took her arm, reminding her that he was faster than she ever would be.

His gaze drilled into her. "Did Heero ever kiss you?"

Caught off balance, trying to deal with having him touching her and being this close all at once, she blinked, puzzled and more than a little annoyed.

"What in the world does that have to do with anything?"

"Did he?" Wufei persisted, and she thought he wouldn't let go until he got what he wanted.

"Once. "She snapped, wishing there was somewhere for her to go. She hated being boxed in.

He nodded hard, took her mug from her, and set it in the sink. Before she could protest, she was against him and his lips were on hers. The kiss wasn't bruising, or demanding. It was gentle, warm, and asked. A soft slide of his skin over hers, and the welcoming pressure of his fingers in the small of her back. Her body arched into his of its own will, and even as her hands rose to thread around his neck, a part of her was ashamed to admit that if he took her on the floor right now there would be no fight.

He only meant to prove something to her, not himself; but he was touching her, kissing her again, and he didn't want to let go, to stop. Control, sense, those steady emotions which had always held him in check failed him now. It couldn't be right yet. Still, he wound his arms around her and brought her closer, slanting his mouth so that he could taste more. Cocoa and Relena.

Relena wasn't aware of how much time had passed when he finally dragged his mouth away and took a shuddering breath, filling his chest with air so that it rose against her own. She did know that she felt dazed, half-asleep in a way that left her limbs sluggish and uncooperative, and that her expression had to be the most simple-minded one she ever had the pleasure of assuming.

"Did it feel that way?"

She wanted to smile because his voice was unsteady and to enjoy the fact that Wufei wasn't completely infallible, but she found herself answering him instead. "Did what?"

"Kissing Heero."

Maybe it would have been better to be angry, but she couldn't manage it. "No. It was warm and comfortable, like kissing a brother."

Something like satisfaction gleamed in his eyes. "Then don't belittle what we feel."

'What we feel'... Not what she felt. Not what he felt. What they felt, together.

A portion of her mind clung to rational thought, and it asserted itself now, questioning his sincerity after he had all but told her he didn't want her. Maybe it was her pride holding onto words spoken in anger, but she felt it all the same.

The mistrust, the doubt must have shown in her expression.

"I've always wanted you, Relena." Spoken softly, in a way that made it seem as if he had read her thoughts, as if a part of him were afraid she wouldn't believe.

She further steadied herself. "Why now?"

"I never want to lose what I need because of pride again."

"Again?"

He pulled away. She felt it and saw it in his face as his expression closed.

"Wufei, I-"

Lifting his hand, he stepped back.

Confused, hurt, she rubbed absently at her arms to stave off the sudden chill and reached for her cocoa in the sink. Anything to occupy her hands. She wished it were so easy for her mind, because she didn't know if she could understand the way Wufei shut himself off without hardly any effort.

So she turned away.

There was that panic again. How long had it been since he gave himself to another without reservations? Had there even been a time? There was no way to know what would happen here if he shared parts of himself with her that few had ever seen. She could hurt him. He could hurt her. They could hurt together. Perhaps, that was the gamble he had to take now, or walk away. Walk away, and leave her for good.

"I can't do that." He murmured, closing his eyes briefly.

It was most difficult, wrestling with yourself.

He touched her shoulder. "Please. Could we go and sit in the living room?"

Startled by the request, she threw him a look that she knew reflected her feelings. The plea was in his face as well. She might not have known exactly what it cost him, but she did understand that he was extending her something she wasn't likely to ever get again if she pushed it away now.

Nodding, she held tightly to her mug, so that the blunt edge of the rim bit into her hand, and led him.

She sat first, tucking her feet beneath the hem of her robe and forcing herself to look more comfortable than she felt. He sat next to her. His arm was warm against her shoulder, and his hip solid against her own.

They sat in the silence for a time. Relena's apartment was on the outside, and the curtains on the windows were opened slightly so that they could watch the snow falling. It was late enough that they were both beginning to feel the hour, but not so much that they could have left things until the morning.

"Before the war, I was married."

Spoken low and matter-of-fact. As if all young people, barely teenagers, hardly adults, married every day.

She looked to him, but he wasn't looking back. "But you were only 14."

"It was tradition. Neither of us wanted the marriage. We made certain living together was difficult. But that is beside the point. She died."

There was a stiff quality to his tone, and his body against her had gone rigid. This was harder for him than he let on, reliving memories that brought pain. She wanted to tell him that he didn't have to share this with her, but she couldn't bring herself to. A part of her wanted to know.

He spoke again before she could say anything.

"It was in an attack on our colony. Mobile suits were being crafted by a scientist. Nataku, and another. She demanded that I do something about the attack, that I fight. But I turned it aside, and ridiculed her for her desire to fight. So she went in my place, and I followed too late. She died protecting what I would not."

"Wufei..."

A slight, bitter smile twisted his lips. "Don't say you're sorry, Relena. It was a long time ago. But my indecision cost me a girl I had never learned to fully appreciate, and I don't want that to happen again. I wanted you to understand why I came. My choices then led me down the paths I took, and I could no longer allow myself to make another mistake such as that."

There. It was said. He found he could breathe with less of a struggle, and the tension that always followed thoughts of Meiran drained away with the admission of guilt and regret.

There was no denying his disclosure had thrown her. Not so much, however, that she couldn't properly respond. He had given her insight into himself, and she didn't think that was something he gave lightly.

"Then you'll understand if I say she made her choices too, Wufei." He focused on her, his gaze sharp. "Sometimes, I would sit and wonder if the outcome of the war would have been different had I stood my ground in the Sank Kingdom and refused to be Duke Dermail's pawn. But I can never know that, and where I was at in that moment, it seemed right. We can't live our lives by regret. You lose too much that way."

He thought of Meiran. How angry she had looked holding that helmet beneath her arm, swallowed by the size of her flight suit, and determined beyond anything to do what she thought was right. He hadn't been able to stop her anymore than she had been able to force him to go. Maybe he had always known that. It was simply easier to hold on than it was to let go.

The stress in him eased, and he sank back, allowing himself to rest against her. His hand found hers, and he tangled their fingers, the pad of his thumb absently brushing the inside of her palm. A simple gesture, one most wouldn't think twice before doing. But not Wufei. He never did anything out of turn. So she smiled faintly, set her head on his shoulder, and just listened.