Have I Lost My Place with You?

Tomorrow · Post by **Tomorrow** » Thu Jun 06, 2002 4:38 pm

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<TITLE>AN: This fic is really sweet, so just know that before you start reading. Please tell me what you think about this in your reviews. ?Thank you.</TITLE>
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<H4>AN: This fic is really sweet, so just know that before you start reading. Please tell me what you think about this in your reviews. ?Thank you.</H4>

Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing. ?You all know that.

????
??? It's the year After Colony 205, and peace continues to reign over the initial brutality of man, the universe being indebted to the Gundam pilots as well as their gallant allies who were as well willing to sacrifice themselves in the name of unity. ?

??? In the year After Colony 198, Heero Yuy took as his wife Miss Relena Peacecraft, and four years later she bore a son whom they called Adin, in honor of the person his father used to be. ?Becoming the father of a rambunctious child, in connection to being married to someone as innocent and full of tenderness as Relena, Heero's outlook upon both himself and life had taken a drastic turn. ?And this is where our story begins...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

??? "I'm gonna get you Adin!"

??? "In your dreams Daddy, you know you'll never catch me... I'm too fast for you!" three year-old Adin cried out as his father chased him from the backyard of their estate into the living room, which is just as spacious. ?

??? Little Adin made a sharp turn around the coffee table and dove under his father's favorite chair as Heero followed his son in hot pursuit, eliciting a groan because of the inconvenience it was going to cause trying to coax Adin to come out from the bantam crevice between the chair legs. ?The mischievous tike giggled with amusement as he watched his father's pathetic attempts to reach under the chair and grab his feet with no success, Heero's face twisting out of sorts because of the arduous cusp he had to work with; and the boy's eyes sparkled with a hint of tenacity, showing his youthful glow in all its radiance. ?The toddler looked very much like his father, the same untamed tresses, the same lean yet concealing build of his figure, but two characteristics which were not of Heero's complete inheritance was the child's hair color as well as the eyes. ?Adin's tendrils were a soft shade of mahogany contrasting to his father's hair of dark chocolate streams, and his round, resplendent irises took on the hues of his mother's; the ocean's power and temperament of both tranquility and passion displayed through the changing of his emotions, which were reflected in the tears of immaculate crystal that lubricate his orbs of sight. ?

??? Heero too had changed as a result of his family life. ?Though in front of others he would hide his face and all he felt within his mask that was welded for him so long ago, his eyes of ruthless passion now kindled with the flame of love, virtue, and humility. ?It may have taken quite some time for him to achieve this state of self-confidence, but the strong surge through his heart made him want to keep these sentiments within him burning anon and brightly, never to be extinguished. ?

??? Relena was his reason for why he wanted to be a better man; she was his angel, the one thing in the world with which he was completely in union with--both through rituals of physical devotion as well as intrapersonally. ?Whenever he held her, whenever they touched through either desire or innocence, he could feel his very soul begin to lust and cherish the angel within her own body. ?And to Adin, Heero saw him as another chance at childhood itself. ?He could just watch his son and see how truly content the child seemed as he rested, concentrated, and played without any blood with which to stain his hands and heart to never be cleansed. ?

??? No matter what was to become of the three of them, he would make sure that his little boy would never grow and learn of life through the means which he had to, and his beloved wife would be kept and shielded from all that could destroy her faintness of heart.

??? Just before Heero grasped Adin's sock, they heard padded footfalls coming from the hallway.

??? "Heero, Adin... It's time for din...Ohhh!" Relena shouted as Adin whisked around behind her, holding one of her legs for dear life. ?

??? Heero got to his feet and was reaching around her, trying to get a good bind on this little imp that thought he could escape his wrath by hiding behind the one thing that could put an end to all of their fun.

??? "Heero, Adin... what are you doing?" she inquired sternly as Heero yanked Adin and began to tickle his tiny belly, evoking hysterical laughing from the boy. ?

??? "Aww Mama, we were just playing a game when Dad lost. ?He got really mad about being the big loser, and so he chased me around the room until I would confess that I cheated. ?Poor Daddy, he's delusional," Adin managed to choke out between giggles.

??? Relena merely turned to Heero who shrugged his shoulders in confirmation. ?

??? "All right, fine," Relena mumbled, rubbing her temples. ?She hadn't been feeling very well lately, for whenever she awoke in the morning, she always felt tired and weak; yet she had been going to bed a couple of hours earlier than usual. ?"Listen, why don't you two go ahead and eat your dinner, and wake me up when you've finished so that I can clean up?"

??? "But Rena," Heero said, using the pet name he had given to her, "you need to eat too. ?I've noticed you haven't been eating well lately."

??? "Yeah mommy, you made dinner, so you should at least get to eat it," little Adin chimed in, climbing off of the floor and pulling down his shirt. ?

??? "Oh no, I'll be fine. ?I just need to go lie down for a while."

??? "Okay Sweetie," Heero murmured, kissing her on the forehead.

??? Adin was already sitting at the table foisting the chicken and mashed potatoes down his throat as if he hadn't had a meal in days. ?Relena made her way to their bedroom while Heero had his portion of the dinner, and she was sleeping so soundly afterwards, he didn't have the heart to wake her up about the dishes. ?He simply washed them himself and went to work, telling Adin to keep a close eye on her and brushed his lips across her own before departing.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

??? When Heero walked back in the door about six hours later, he was surprised to find Adin asleep on the couch. ?His bedtime was 8:00, and it was after 11:30 by now; Relena always made sure he was safe in his bed by the mark... it wasn't like her. ?So, he gently took his son in his arms, dressed him in his pajamas, and tucked him into bed, brushing his wild bangs away from his face that he may kiss his darling child goodnight. ?

??? As he entered their bedroom, he noticed that Relena wasn't enlaced among the sheets, and the bathroom light was shimmering through the tight crack of the door. Stealthily, he put his ear to the door to hear her vomit recurrently, her harsh breathing and quivering gasps also being picked up by his keen sense; and he immediately opened the door, holding her long, gold-sprinkled tresses as she continued to splurge whatever was left in her system of last night's roast beef. ?

??? After about five minutes, her convulsions had subsided, and after rinsing out her mouth, he carried her to the mattress and lay her unto the silken sheets that were being instantly soaked with her sweat. ?He slid into bed beside her, taking her within his healing embrace, and held onto her the rest of the night--his grip never becoming lax.

??? "Relena," he muttered before they drifted into sleep.

??? "Hmm?"

??? "While I go to work at the Preventer's office tomorrow, I want you to go and find out what's wrong with you." ?

??? "Oh Heero..." she whispered before serene bliss claimed her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

??? "Mrs. Yuy," Dr. Rontar addressed her with the results, "congratulations, you're going to have baby."

??? "A baby?" Relena asked, the shock prevalent upon her face.

??? "Yes Ma'am, and right now she seems completely healthy, except for the fact that she's a bit malnourished. ?Have you been eating properly lately?"

??? "Well, I haven't really been eating anything at all. ?The 'morning sickness' seems to bother me all day, and I just can't keep anything down, no matter how bland," she explained, rubbing her abdomen a bit absently as she spoke.

??? "I see," the doctor replied. ?"Well, I'll give you a prescription that should help you with that. ?I'm sure you'll still have your symptoms, but hopefully this should make it bearable enough that you can at least get an adequate amount of food in your body for both yourself and the baby. ?Just don't stress yourself with this pregnancy, or you might lose her. ?For some reason which our normal tests can't diagnose, your condition is extremely delicate, and that's more than likely why you're not hungry at all compared to most women who eat anything they can get their hands on during pregnancy."

??? "So it's a little girl?" she inquired with wonder in her voice.

??? "Yes Ma'am."

??? "Thank you, thank you very much doctor."

??? "I'll want to see you in a few weeks, so make an appointment with the receptionist," she ordered as she left the room to see another patient.

??? "Okay, thanks again," Relena said, turning to the screen to talk to the secretary.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ?

??? Meanwhile, Adin had overheard the whole conversation, and let's just say he was none too happy about what he found out. ?

??? Adin has a tendency which his body instinctually performs when he's either disturbed or angry: he crinkles up his cute little nose and snorts in disgust in reference to the antagonist. ?It's a harmless reaction, but Heero and Relena picked up on this tweak early, and now they can always perceive when he's afraid or upset somehow. ?And let's just say, when he heard that his mommy was going to have another baby, he certainly snorted at that coincidence.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

??? "Heero," Relena called to her husband as he got home from work, "could you sit down, I need to speak with you?"

??? Her face was dispassionate and unreadable, and these two aspects made him wary of what she had in store for him, because he knew she only used that look when something happened that was extremely dire.

??? "Heero, I went for a check up today, and Dr. Rontar gave me his diagnosis." Heero held his breath, waiting for her to utter out a word like "cancer" or "AIDS" when she said, "We're going to have a baby."

??? At first he just stared at her, trying to process what she'd told him, when, after about a minute or so, the who verity of the matter dawned on him.?

??? "You mean... I'm going to be a daddy again?" he asked, completely in awe as he looked at her brightening eyes.

??? "That's right Heero, and of a baby girl this time."

??? "Oh Relena," he cried out as he swept her into his arms and began to twirl her around the room. ?

??? "Heero, please, I don't think that's such a wonderful idea right now," she choked out, her face rendering an ominous shade of green.

??? "Oh I... I'm sorry Rena. ?Oh God I love you so much!" he shouted, kissing her all along her face like colorful butterflies when landing upon the petals of the perfumed gardens. ?

??? Adin simply watched them from the hall, barely able to hold back his tears as smiles blessed their faces.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

??? After Heero was told about the baby, he treated Relena as though she was made of gorgeous stained glass, for he'd go out to get her whatever she felt like for a snack, no matter what hour of the day or night, and anytime she would wince in pain, he'd hold her in his arms and cuddle her until the pain ceased; truly this was the reason why she could claim the title of "princess." ?It hurt Adin abundantly, seeing his mother in such discomfort, that it only made him despise this growing child within her womb even more.

??? He didn't want to be a bother to her or Heero, so he decided to start doing things for himself for a change. ?One morning, Relena had decided to sleep-in late, and Heero had went out to get some more milk for her, so Adin figured he'd get his own cereal that morning. ?Wouldn't they be proud of him then? ?

??? Getting a chair from the dining room, he hopped onto the counter to reach the cereal, and then pulled the chair over to the refrigerator so that he could get the milk. ?The box was a bit too unwieldy for the little boy to handle, and therefore he didn't realize his elbow was so close to the milk glass, when it toppled to the floor with a crash. ?

??? Relena sprang from the bed as she heard the glass sliding along her kitchen floor, and Heero had just walked in when he saw the white coating cover the kitchen and all that was in it to produce an image of a stream flowing with plentiful bounty of milk and honey. ?

??? "Adin!" Heero called, startling the poor child and causing him to toss the box of cereal from his hands in surprise, creating an even stickier mess than he had before.

??? "Oh Adin, look what you've done! ?You've made a mess of everything!" Relena scolded him, tears starting to pour from her eyes.

??? "I'm sorry," he responded sheepishly. ?"I'll clean it up."

??? "No Adin, haven't you done enough? ?Please, just go outside and play. ?I'll take care of it," she said while trying to bend to pick up the broken pieces of glass. ?As she did so, she felt a sharp pain shoot through her back, and fell to her knees in insurmountable agony--Heero catching her in his arms that she wouldn't hit the floor and risk bruising herself or the baby.

??? "Now look what you've done Adin," Heero scowled at him. ?"Do as your mother tells you. ?Can't you see she already has enough to deal with without you making a mess of the house?"

??? Adin slowly turned away and walked outside, a lone tear rolling down his cheek as he lost himself in the tall reeds around him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

??? "Something's wrong with the baby, we'll have to do a C-section," the nurse said to no one in particular.

??? "Is it really necessary?" Heero asked as they began to numb Relena's body.

??? "Yes sir, indeed it is," replied one of the other nurses. ?"The baby is already premature, and I'm afraid the umbilical cord has wrapped around the child's throat. If that's the case, this baby doesn't have much time, and we've got to get her out of there."

??? As the doctors quickly slashed her open, working against the clock, Relena looked into Heero's eyes, searching for comfort in his rational faith, and said, "I'm so sorry Heero. ?I guess I didn't do a very good job and being a mother, huh? ?We went through almost the same thing with Adin, and if we lose her I..."

??? "Hush now Relena," he calmed her. ?"You're the woman that I always wanted as the mother of my children, and even though I love this unborn child with all the emotion I have in me, we'll be okay. ?We can try again."

??? "Mrs. Yuy," one of the nurses called, "here's your new daughter, and I must say she's the most adorable little baby I have ever seen since you were born here little one."

??? "Oh, my darling little child. ?My sweet, sweet baby," she cooed as the nurse held the baby for Relena to see. ?

??? "Here daddy, meet your new addition," the nurse said handing him his daughter.

??? "My... my little girl. ?I have a little girl," he murmured with disbelief, a glisten of wonder prancing across his irises as he gazed at his creation. ?He looked up from his tiny little Beauty and looked over to his wife. ?"I love you Relena."

??? "And I love you," she said before they took the baby from Heero and transferred her to a hospital room.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ?

??? Whenever anyone walked by the nursery, that elegant baby girl was all anyone could comment about.

??? "Oh look at how pretty those beautiful, dark blue eyes are."

??? "Look how soundly she sleeps. ?Isn't she just precious?"

??? "Well my word, I don't think I've ever seen such a beautiful baby."

??? Adin had been left in the waiting room with the one of the nurses who worked in the children's wing, and she soon led him to his mother's room, where Heero and Relena were already there, cuddling with their daughter. ?She was gorgeous though. Even just after birth, she had long blond hair, and her eyes were the same mysterious nigh blue as her father's. ?She neither writhed nor tossed, showing much of his impassive, collected personality which he possesses, and her skin was a beautiful cream color that brought out the darkened hues within her eyes, telling them for certain that they would stay this same blue even after she left the hospital. ?

??? Adin just stood there, eyeing his little sister with a seditious glare in his own irises.?

??? "Oh sweetie, come and hold you're new sister, Malora," Relena smiled, extending her arms and holding the baby out to him. ?He instinctively backed away, wanting nothing to do with this thing that was taking his place. ?"It's all right Adin, don't be afraid. ?If you're careful you won't drop her, so don't worry."

??? "No." he replied simply.

??? "But Adin..."

??? "NO!" he cried, then ran out of the room, heading to the cafeteria, the farthest he could get from that evil creature they called Malora.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

??? At home now, it was even worse for Adin than when Relena was pregnant. ?Both she and Heero were working day in and day out at pacifying the baby and keeping her in good spirits. ?The only upside to the whole situation was that she never cried at night, for just like her father, she took hardships and pain like it didn't faze her in the least. Each day he grew to despise his sister even more, and one night he wouldn't be able to hold back all of the passion he had built up within him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

??? Heero had just left for work and Relena had put Malora to bed, when Adin sneaked into her room and shut the door, walking over to her crib to get a good, long look at this infant they seemed to love so much. ?She was sleeping serenely, his presence in the room only adding to her comfort.

??? "What do you got that I haven't got?" he asked out loud as he looked upon the babe. "I try to do all that they tell me to, and I'm always trying to help them, so what makes them love you more?" ?

??? Now, one must understand that Adin is very intelligent for a child of his age, and from all of the actions his parents had shown him, he made up in his mind a logical explanation for everything that happened. ?He believed that his parents had lost their love for him, and they wanted to start over with a new baby. ?Then, they would just forget about him and send him away to an orphanage or what have you... she was replacing him in their hearts. So you see fellow readers, it's not jealousy that he necessary feels towards this child, but more or less a thought that his parents can't love him anymore and she is
replacing him in their hearts.

??? "You're... you're nothin' special," he began to sob. ?"I know ten times more than you do, and I can do whatever they ask me to. ?You can't even sit up on your own. All you do is cause them trouble! ?Why don't they love me anymore!" he screamed as tears painted his face in transparent splendor. ?

??? In a big huff, Adin ran over to the shelf where all of her stuffed animals were kept, and threw it over, grabbing the animals as they hit the floor. ?Taking a baby unicorn with indulgent wings and a translucent horn to crown its head, he cried, "This is for making mommy hate me!" and tore the wings off the mare, throwing them across the room and ripping the stuffing out. ?"This is for daddy!" he screeched while stomping on her plush puppy, one of its eyes rolling along the floor. ?"And this is for me!" he wailed while ripping the head off of the teddy bear Heero had given Relena on her sixteenth birthday, which she had in turn passed down to Malora. ?

??? Adin then grabbed her dresser and toppled that over, breaking her angel lamp and the other various items placed upon it. ?When Heero and Relena first found out she was pregnant, they decided to make the theme for Malora's room, angels. ?That lamp he knocked over had a sculpture of a divine being with feathered wings, guarding a brother and a sister as they crossed the bridge over a savage river. ?Her wings shield them from the showers of the waters that so hungrily wanted to swallow them in its pride, and the lamp light, which acted as the light of her halo, kept them safe while forcing the river at bay for them that it didn't wash over the bridge.

??? He was just standing there in the middle of the broken room, and Malora, staring at him--not making the slightest noise to give him away--, reached out to her brother, her usually cold eyes asking him to come to her,
love her. ?

??? He ran out of the room, Relena waiting for him as he closed the door behind him.

??? "Adin, did you hear a crash just a moment ago?" she asked, a worried expression in her face.

??? "No Mama, I didn't hear anything," he replied, trying to act as innocently as possible.

??? "Well... I'm going to go check on your sister," and before he could stop her, she walked into the room and screamed, "Oh my goodness, what happened here?" Adin slowly made his way into the room, keeping a good distance between her and himself.

??? "Adin, hold Malora while I clean up this glass. ?I don't want you getting hurt." ?

??? As she was handing the baby to him, he backed away, not meeting her gaze.? "Adin, PLEASE do this for me," she begged while trying to sweep the glass into a pile with the hem of her dress.

??? "Hmph," he snorted.

??? "What was that for?" she questioned him abruptly, getting worried about exactly why he would snort at her. ?She knew that it took quite a bit to upset him, so whatever this issue was, it must be serious.

??? "Nothing."

??? "Adin..."

??? "NOTHING!" he cried and locked himself in his room, leaving his mother standing there, sighing out if weakness to combat the desires within the child.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

??? Later that night, when Heero came home, Relena took his hand, leading him into the hall that little Adin couldn't hear, and spoke, "Heero, something's wrong with Adin. ?He gave me 'the snort.'"

??? "'The snort?' ?Why?"

??? "I don't know... I think we need to talk to him about this," she suggested, looking up towards Adin's room as she pleaded.

??? "What happened?"

??? "Well, I went up to check on Malora, and when I did, her room was in shambles--it looked as if a tornado had spiraled through. ?I asked Adin to hold her for me while I cleaned up the glass, and he backed away again, like he always does."

??? "So?"

??? "I asked him to do it again, and that's when he snorted at me," she went on to say, running her hands through her golden strands in exasperation.

??? "Hnn..."

??? "But Heero, what I find even stranger is the fact that I don't think he was snorting at
me, I think it was aimed towards Malora."

??? "Malora? ?Why?"

??? "I don't know, and that's why we need to talk to him." ?

??? Heero nodded in agreement, bringing his wife into his embrace so true in comfort and stillness, and they went and knocked on his door, running through silently in their minds how they're going to approach the situation.

??? "Adin, can we come in?" Relena asked, her voice shaking a bit as she addressed him.

??? "No."

??? "Why not sweet heart?" she coaxed him, laying on the sap in her voice.

??? "Because."

??? "Because why?"

??? "Because daddy's gonna hit me."

??? "Now why would he hit you?" she asked as if she didn't know what he was talking about, then looked over to Heero and whispered, "No spanking this time." He merely nodded his head.

??? "Because, when I do really bad things I get a spanking, and I did something REALLY bad this time."

??? "Adin," Heero spoke to him, "I promise I won't spank you, so please let us in."

??? "All right," he said meekly, giving up the struggle--negative attention seemed better to him than no attention at all.

??? When they walked in the room, instead of being met with a little boy standing to give them a great big hug as a sign of forgiveness, they encountered a little hump under the covers of his bed--he looked like a little baby ghost that one would imagine during the autumn season.

??? "Adin, what are you doing under there?" she asked.

??? "I'm not so sure I can trust you daddy."

??? "Come on Adin, let's sit down and talk about this," Heero said while taking the blanket off of him. ?He quickly sprawled out from under the sheets and into his mother's lap, still a bit wary that Heero would go back on his word. ?

??? "Now Adin," Relena beseeched, "Why would you feel angry towards Malora?? She's done nothing to hurt you."

??? "That's where you're wrong mommy."

??? "You know Adin," Heero chimed in, "I know that you're used to being the only child, but sometimes we just have to share the spotlight and give someone else a turn to shine once in a while."

??? *I can't believe I just admitted that... must be getting soft,* Heero thought, almost despondently, to himself.

??? "No, that's got nothin' to do with it. ?I know that I can't always be the priority, but she's REPLACING me!"

??? "Replacing you?" they questioned simultaneously. ?

??? "Yeah. ?You didn't love me anymore, so you wanted a new baby, and now that she's here you're goin' to ship me off to an orphanage somewhere to get rid of me," he blurted out of his mouth in one fast slur, hiding his face in his hands.

??? "What? ?Where'd you ever get an idea like that?" Heero asked, completely taken aback by his son's mischievous little mind.

??? "Well, I just figured that since you were always mad at me when the baby was even mentioned, that you didn't want me around anymore, and you loved or were going to love her more."

??? "Oh honey, that's not true at all," Relena giggled.

??? "It isn't?"

??? "Of course not. ?You'll always be our baby boy no matter what happens. ?We'll always be proud of you and stand by your side no matter what lies ahead. ?It's true that we may love you differently than Malora, but we love both of you equally."

??? "Is that true daddy?" ?Heero simply nodded in agreement, gazing softly at his son's brightening features. ?"But then, why were you getting so mad at me?"

??? "Because mommy and daddy were under a lot of pressure, and we were just tired, Sweetie. ?I'm sorry that we weren't more patient, but sometimes things like that happen; and we don't realize that we've hurt you. ?So Honey, next time you're bothered by something, come talk to us, 'kay?" Relena smiled, pulling Adin to her breast.

??? "Yeah mama, I will. ?Umm... can I ask you a question?" Adin asked shyly.

??? "What is it sweetie?" Relena questioned her son so sweetly, rubbing her finger along his cheek tenderly.

??? "Do I still get to hold Malora now?"



AN: I know, I know, it was mushy and cute, but I just got this idea, and I couldn't help but write it down. ?Please tell me what you think, so please review. Appreciate it. ?Bye!


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[ This Message was edited by: Tomorrow on 2002-06-06 17:47 ]

neotoongirl13 · Post by **neotoongirl13** » Thu Nov 02, 2006 11:49 pm

Its Cute but life doesn't work that way i still hate my little Borther.

P.S if any one want a 17 year old borther call me he FREE!!!!!!!

11krage · Post by **11krage** » Fri Nov 03, 2006 3:15 am

Cute. Love it, makes such a change to the more negative views on their futures. Sounds faintly like my view of their future, even before i've managed to type it up, Psychic person.

Anyway, loved it. Will cherish it and will read it again, right now.

RelenaDorlinYuy1 · Post by **RelenaDorlinYuy1** » Fri Nov 03, 2006 3:36 am

I remeber reading this on Fanfiction.net

love it

PeaceWing · Post by **PeaceWing** » Sat Nov 18, 2006 12:40 pm

It was cute, sweet and I loved it! I also agree with 11krage, its nice to read a fic where they have a happy future. After the way they suffered in the series, its sweet to think that they could live a much happier lives later on.

Aeris_Eithne · Post by **Aeris_Eithne** » Sun Nov 19, 2006 3:07 pm

This is such a good story that I feel like it deserves a thorough critique. Making a few slight improvements will only make the story that much stronger.

First of all, I love your author's voice. It's solid storytelling without being overly sentimental. I like how it occasionally switched to a more informal tone, but my suggestion is to pick one style and be consistent. If you plan on addressing the readers, do so from the beginning so that it's not surprising later on. Also, you switched a few times being past and present tense.

I love Heero and Relena's positive relationship, and I love the way you characterized Adin. One major problem I have with him, however, is that he's way too articulate for a 3-year-old. My mother is a kindergarten teacher, and I babysit a lot, so I'm very familiar with early childhood. Trust me, no 3-year-old boy can construct sentences as precisely as Adin does. My suggestion? Make him 6 or 7 years old; that's much more accurate. Either that, or listen to 3-year-olds talk to get a better sense of vocabulary.

Another issue is Relena's pregnancy; she has all these obvious symptoms of being pregnant, including morning sickness, and yet she's surprised to learn she's pregnant. Also, she's been pregnant before, so she should know what it feels like. Also, the fact that the doctors knew the baby was a girl right away is not possible; you have to be quite a few months along to find that out. There's no way Relena would be that far along and not realize she's pregnant. I would go back and revise that section a little bit so that nitpicky readers like me "buy it" right off the bat.

Sorry if I seem too nitpicky... I'm an editor, so I'm automatically going to be a harsher critic than most readers. However, I only take time to seriously critique stories that I think are really strong to begin with; if you just make those few changes, it will be even better. I definitely love this story and will read through it again, just for fun.

rain2cry · Post by **rain2cry** » Tue Dec 12, 2006 4:17 pm

Eh...okay you may hate me, but, I found the story to be extremely corny. I'm sorry, but I'm being honest. It was sweet and nice like you said it would be, but there was just a lack of...I'm not sure, something was missing.

The way you display Adin, he's a three-year old boy and yet his speech is like that of someone much older, like a nine year old. I have never in my life heard a three-year old say the word "delusional" or talk in fluent sentences like Adin does. It was almost peculiar.

There isn't enough emotion or connection between the characters, not enough depth to make them more real. When Relena tells Heero that she is pregnant again, you have more dialogue than you do with how each character must be feeling or thinking. It was bland and undescriptive. Even when Relena goes through the process of a C-section, there was nothing about Heero's response; did he worry, was he frightened? And not to sound harsh or rude...but, you made him say an almost cliche line on how he "loves this unborn child with all the emotion he has in himself". I'm not exactly sure what he SHOULD say, but that just didn't sound quite...right. The lack of detail and depth between the characters wasn't right.

I like the fact that you showed Heero as a more gentle person and happy and in love, but try to keep the characters for who they are. I suggest you go back, add more detail, emotion, and feeling, and it'll turn out quite nicely. I also agree with Aeris_Eithne about Relena's morning sickness. When she found out she was pregnant again, it shouldn't have been "too" surprising.

Good luck!

Blissful Ignorance

A Heero and Relena Dedication site

Have I Lost My Place with You?

Tomorrow's Fanfiction.