My mind

[11krage]

I'm sitting here in the dark.

I don't smile, i don't scream, i don't cry, silence is my language. A hundred words and dreams passing by me in an instant. A detached part of my mind stands guard, watching the outside world pass by. I don't live there, i live in the darkness. My darkness.

Its safe here. I wrap the black around me like a blanket, sitting crosslegged in the middle of my colourful abyss.

Sometimes when i'm scared or in pain the darkness won't be enough to make me safe. In those times i build a wall around myself, focusing on the soft calm until it becomes solid. Safe again as i retreat further into whatever solid plane of existance that lives behind glazed eyes.

Darkness can never hide me from the real pain. There are two methods to hide from that, the first is to stand still in my mind. To freeze inside my head as the darkness is torn from me. At times i huddle in the empty bright place that is left. Mentally trying to shut my eyes, to recreate my safe darkness. Always my hands fist, both in my world and the world beyond my eyes.

I focus on something else, hugging the thoughts and images to me, letting them stream around me. I huddle in the river of thought; memories, pictures, television shows, anything that will keep the thoughts coming. That will allow me to hide longer in their enveloping liquid colour.

Like standing under a waterfall.

The second method is never as successful. It is an ideal, a concept created to attept to combat the first method's flaw.

The flaw being that it has a limit. If the pain or the fear is too hightened then the waterfall will falter, trickle. Until i am left alone in the bright white light, nothing left to hold onto as it tears me away into conciousness, where i can't hide anymore.

I found a place in my mind beyond the fragile darkness. I built it from scratch, dug it as deep as i could. A place that i could run to, instead of staying still for the light to come.

It hasn't worked as well, i have no defense while i'm there. To summond the thoughts to focus on, would mean that i would have to let go of my sanctuary. Leaft in the waterfall again, where i know the cocoon of safe thoughts will eventually slow to a trickle and leave me to the searing of the white light.

But its my hope, my question. When i am caught, and have to focus on something else, i live in the knowledge that my waterfall will always run out. My sanctuary is always my question, if i focus more, if i make it more solid, will it let me stay there.

When the real world becomes too unsafe, will it let me stay there?

Gazing down into the still water, like a beautiful mirror as the fish dart beneath its surface. The sun reflecting gently off their scales, shimmering into a multitude of different colours as they swim so close to the surface that i could easily reach out and touch them.

I never do. I just stay perfectly still, my legs crossed on the smooth rock. The sun warm and soft on my back, tense as i focus on the pool. Sometimes when i'm feeling sad, i'll dip my feet into the pool. The fish tickle as they glide around my toes.

When i'm hiding from the white hot i never move. I'm always too afraid that it'll find me and pull me through the water. If it catches me by surprise then i won't even have a chance to focus on anything to save me.

It never lasts, the white always finds me. It heats up, burning my skin, but i never turn to face it. I just watch the fish dancing in the clear pool, until they begin to blur, the world shakes and its hard to breathe.

But when the pain fades away, i lie back in my darkness, watching the white pulse dimmer and dimmer. Hiding in my darkness, where its safe.

I'm sitting here in the dark, and you can't make me leave.

[11krage]

Dedicated to all those who have sought sanctuary in their mind when the world became too much to take. And for all those who have not yet managed to dig deep enough to escape from the pain that drove them to try.

When all else is lost, its the only place thats left to hide.

[twistedrealityoflove]

WOW thanks I really needed that it makes me feel so much better now, considering how I was feeling before. I found new words to live by I hope you don't mind that I use these word to live by. I'm weird I know

[11krage]

Don't worry we're all weird, if anyone says any different, they're lying. Though even i have to admit that the fact it made you feel better is odd, not exactly the most upbeat of stories.

In fact, thinking about it. I don't think i've ever written a happy story. Even that story i wrote when i was five about the kitten was angsty. Poor, poor kitten, got kicked out in the snow and didn't think that santa claus would come.

I still remember that. Anyway, back to you. Live by whatever words you want, i'm just happy someone managed to read it and understand at least some of it. It was a appears in my head and write it straight into the posty box thing. I haven't posted anything other than that sort yet actually.

Thanks for the feedback, makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.

[twistedrealityoflove]

yeah but some people consider me a freak, and your right like they aren't weird either. It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one that feels that way, like one of those things where you don't have to go through it alone.

I hardly write anything happy....well poem wise, storys are mainly romance and action(not NC 17 action). Most of my poems are sad romance or death . poor kitty!!! He was probably really cold, awwwww. Poor kitty!!!

Yay now I have better words to live by than "when you stumble make it part of your dance" . I do that sometime too. It'll just pop up in my head and I'll post it.

your wellcome, warm and tingly huh, I've done my job then