Gundam Wng Talent

[aisuru113]

Well since i am getting squat for feedback on the ML i have decided to be a real gutton for punishment and post my soon ot be monster-for-me- of a fic. i have tried to explain most of the stuff thats in this so here goes....


Disclaimer: All hail Anne McCaffrey. All hail Bandai. I think that should do it
AN: This fic is based on the Talent and Pegasus series by Anne McCaffrey. (It is very good go read them. There is only eight books total.) Just a few things. A Prime is the highest you can get in the Talent system. And then you go from T-1 and down, the lowest is a T-12. And the Earth Prime is the head guy. Like the CEO of a company. Then depending where you are placed is your rank in the organization. Oh yeah the FT&T stands for the Federal Telepath and Teleportation. Just about any one with Talent works for them, but its not required. If there are any questions just give me a buzz at mandysivak@hotmail.com . and this as of now is untitled.

50 miles outside City, Deneb 7:00 pm local time

?Lord am I glad to be out of school,? Relena Peacecraft thought as she walked down the forest-bordered road to her home. ?I wished I remembered my horse.? Shifting her backpack on her shoulders, she heard a small grinding sound but ignored it. Spotting her home she lived in now without her brother Millardo, who was posted in Iato Aurigae as a T-2 with Treize Kushernada as the Prime, she picked up her pace. Her stomach prompted her to move even faster than just the want to be home.
That grinding sound got even louder than before, so loud that Relena?s ears were starting to hurt. Turning around to see what was making the sound Relena?s eyes went wide with what she found. A transport shuttle had lost power and was about to crash. The shuttle was so close to her. How was she going to get away? Was all that went through her mind. Then in a span of a heartbeat the shuttle was almost on top of her. The animal survival instincts took over her body and mind. She pushed the transport to the left side into the forest hopefully to save the person or people on board. Then a blinding headache took over her mind and then the merciful state of unconsciousness.

Blundell Building, Earth. 3:00 pm local time
Hour after Relena?s incident

The throb of the massive generators could be felt through the whole building. Even through the padded chair that Heero Yuy, a T-1 apprentice, sat in. He had been connected to the generators almost constantly for four hours, only brief lulls when nothing had to be sent out to another planet by his powerful kinetic talent was he not in tune with them. At nineteen years old he was one of the most powerful kinetic and telepathic talents in the FT&T, only the Earth Prime Dr. J was more powerful.
?Heero, my boy, take a break for a moment,? called out Dr. J from across the expansive office.
?Did you need something sir?? Heero asked stretching out from the mental effort he just went through.
?Yes, I want to send you out to Deneb,? Dr. J responded.
?Deneb sir, may I ask why??
?Well apparently old Olsen died from a heart attack an hour ago. I need someone out there. Your training here is nearly over, so this will be a good testing ground for you. I want you packed within the hour to be ready to go.?
?Yes sir, I will go pack,? Heero said raising and walking towards the door. ?Hmmm Olsen just died from a heart attack. That is very odd, the man was healthy. I wonder what could have happened.?
Precisely one hour later Heero was packed and in a personal carrier about to sent off to Deneb. He felt the slight tingle from being ?ported across space then a slight bump signaling the end of his journey.
The hatch opened and a quite voice said, ?Welcome to Deneb, Prime.?

[Desert Bloom]

Oh, this is so cool! Keep 'em coming!

[blackrose]

Okay, weird in a cool way.... ^__^

I think the reason you're getting 'squat' for feedback on the ML is the technicality of it all. It's just a fact of life, unfortunately, that when you write in highly technical, unfamiliar genres - well, some people are going to love it and for some it's going to be over their heads.

In this instance, we don't know where Deneb is, or what really - by the end of the chapter, we figured out it was a planet, but at the beginning, it could have been a foreign country. For those of us unfamiliar with McCaffrey's works, we don't know what a talent system is - it was only deriving the information from the definition of FT&T that talent must have to do with some sort of telekinesis and psychic abilities.

When you said Relena moved the transport... I'm guessing that maybe she didn't know the extent of her powers/talent, and that's why it had to be a reaction of animal instinct?

I think that maybe a more thorough introduction setting up your universe would be very helpful, since I'm not sure how many people are acquainted with the series you're basing it on. I'm intrigued and would like to see more, Mandy, I like the idea of Heero being a powerful kinetic talent - but what was he doing attached to generators? I didn't get that part...And if they're telepathic, why can't they read each other's minds?

See, all these things, I don't know...I don't mean to be overly critical, you should know that ^__^ but you have to remember you can't rely on us already knowing what's in the books. The audience you're writing for is only familiar with the GW universe as a given - we'll forgive you if you fudge on the details in the McCaffrey novel, but we NEED you to tell us/show us what they are in order to follow it and truly be absorbed by your fic.

I'm only trying to be helpful. ^__^

**hugs**

Love,
Rose

[hopeless_crush]

very nice

what is going to happen next

please continue

HURRY!!!!!

[Elyn Yuy]

Well Black rose, you need to read the glorious books of Anne McCaferey.!

All hail McCaferey! All hail McCaferey!

Oh, p.s. :

Don't take the dragonriders of pern idea Aisuru. That's mine

Lookin' Good! Keep it up!

Elyn Yuy

[AngelOfDeath]

Wow, I haven't thought about those series in a long time. But your fic is catching me up fast again... great idea.