[FIC] Ask Anko (epilogue)

[dd]

Some things never seem to change.

The village of Konoha, and its general populace, was much the same as Anko remembered it. She hadn?t been gone long enough to expect otherwise.

On the other hands, some things do change. She certainly had. Her sojourn in the cold and icy steppes and plateaus of the Earth Country had brought her new skills, new friends, and a fresh look on life.

She didn?t remember ever signing up for a fresh look on life. That wasn?t her way. It had been fresh enough, simply getting out from under Orochimaru?s influence. It had been much too fresh, hefting a full pack on her shoulders and marching up into foreign mountain country,

?Someone will pay.? Anko frowned, surveying the Hidden Leaf Village. ?Mark my words.? Her attitudes certainly hadn?t gone through any significant overhaul. She had been the good soldier, serving a role as Madame Pythia?s successor. She had done her part, as the Leaf?s ambassador and ?mystic teacher.? What nonsense! It hadn?t even been rewarding, pulling the wool over the eyes of the Fa-chikyuu villagers. Sure, there had been a noteworthy increase in good will and productivity thanks to her efforts. But, she wasn?t into that kind of thing.

The only saving grace would be the whole ?Lady Anko? schtick. By now, that annoying chapter of her life should have run its course. At least, it better have! If people started lining up to ask her advice again, she couldn?t be held responsible if she pummeled them to within an inch of their gullible and hopeless lives. The Hokage better back her up on that. Tsunade owed her!

?But?? She grinned an evil grin, thinking about something snuggly nestled in the bottom of her travel sack. ?I can still get some use out of my prior standing.? Indeed. During the long trek back, she had run a number of ideas through her mind. For every breath she took in the icy chill air, someone would pay. For each step she took along desolate rock strewn paths, someone would suffer. For every bowl of beet soup and haunch of stringy mutton she been forced to eat, she would get satisfaction.

Mountain goats. Fat lazy cows. Abundance noisy pigs. Villagers who were not much brighter than the livestock, and smelled worse. Snowstorms. Sleetstorms. Dry beef. Greasy mutton. Bland rotten vegetables. Lumpy beds.

So many pleasant memories.

?Things will look up.? Anko stopped to grin. Not because of the familiar surroundings. She wasn?t big on nostalgia or homey feelings. No. Not only would her new toy provide her with some interesting opportunities, it might also bring her a fair amount of pocket change. While she hated fads, she knew a potential craze when she stumbled upon it. It would be wonderful, simply hooking the mindless fools in the community on something ridiculous and pathetic. Why should that give her pleasure? Running a hand through her hair, she told her conscious to crawl back inside the hole it had snuck out of. ?I already have manufacturing rights back in Fa-chikyuu.

Stopping off at her apartment, before reporting in with the Hokage, the weary jounin took a shower, dressed in fresh clothing, and put away the items she had brought with her. Looking around her room, she frowned. Someone had been thoughtful enough to provide maid service. Fine. She had no problems with a clean room. But, if even a single item was missing or out of place, there would be hell to pay.

One particular item she had brought back with her and left out on her bed caught her attention. Towel wrapped around her moist hair, she ran her fingers over the nicely crafted wooden box. It had been a gift from one of her ?pupils,? the young women she had tutored in the art of false prophecy and chicanery. As it turned out, the region had its own tradition means of duping the unwise and unwary. Some of the adherents viewed it merely as a game, a harmless way to pass the time in the snow-bound latitudes. Most, however, saw it in an entirely different light.

?I still don?t if it?s wee-juh or wee-jee.? The jounin yawned. She was more tired than she realized. Maybe she should have accepted the village elder?s offer of the old lame donkey. No. She would have died from embarrassment, seen riding anything like that decrepit old beast. And, it would have lengthened the journey by days. ?It doesn?t matter. I?ll probably give it a fancy name, anyway.? Maybe something like the ? Magic Medium?, ?Mystic Gateway, ? or the ?Oracle Board.? In the Earth Country, the Ouija board was big. Very big. Many of the older settlers believed that the gifted amongst them could receive messages during a s?ance by the use of something the youths called the ?talking board? or ?spirit board.? The board, and a planchette. ?Who thinks up these things??

In any case, the Ouija board would come in very handy. With her goal in life being the assumption of the role of chief of the interrogation unit when Morino Ibiki?s luck ran out, or when he retired, Anko saw no problem with her thirst for vengeance and comeuppances. As long as she used those tendencies for the good of the Leaf, people should be willing to overlook her bloodthirsty nature. Right? Besides, she wasn?t planning on doing anything that would leave scars or something. At least, not physical ones. She had suffered much more than anyone else would. One day during her mission, she came very close to getting a frostbitten ass, just from sitting on a cold rock for longer than she should have. It would take trained torturers to get that little story out of her!

Clean, dressed, and mentally prepared, the jounin turned ?sage? headed off to see the Hokage. She had some trinkets for Tsunade, tokens of thanks from the mayor of Fa-chikyuu. Naturally, she would pass those on to their intended owner. However, there was no need to burden Tsunade with knowledge of the ?talking board.? She chuckled, thinking of something. If she did have success with her evil schemes, the Hokage couldn?t go public with her admonitions. How could Tsunade tell everyone that ?Lady Anko? was a fake now, without clueing them into the fact that she was a fake before? a fake sanctioned and created in part by the village?s top ninja?

?Hmmmm-mmm-mm-m?? A choice idea sprung up in Anko?s mind. While the Hokage was beholden to do whatever was best for the village, and her actions were never based on anything personal, the older woman might deserve a bit of a comeuppance herself. Was it wrong to think that way? Sure. So what? She would give Tsunade a chance to make amends, somehow. Naturally, since there was nothing the Hokage could do to get the smell of sheep out of her hair or take away the god-awful memory of yodels echoing through the deep corners of her mind, her subsequent actions would almost be justified. Almost.

The meeting with Tsunade went smoothly. The reports the Hokage had heard about Anko and her activities on behalf of the Leaf had all been good, with the exception of a few incidents that were kept hush hush. One man, drunk on some foul homebrew, had put his arm around the jounin?s shoulder early in her stay. The best healers in that dreary little hamlet were sure he would be able to walk normally again, some day. Likewise, the sister of one of the clan elders would likely suffer no long lasting disfigurement, after the village?s medical ninjas were able to remove the pair of scissors shoved up the unfortunate woman?s nose. She never should have tried to give Anko the traditional haircut of the region.

?Nice job,? Anko said to herself, echoing the words that Tsunade had given her, looking up bleary-eyed from a stack of reports. ?It was a credit to the Leaf.? That was all that had been said, aside from a few bland pleasantries and ?Take a few days to rest and catch up on local events. Your next assignment will be coming up soon.? Wonderful. Heart-warming. Of course, the jounin wouldn?t have known what to do with a more effusive response. That didn?t matter. Not one single bit. It was the principal of the matter! ?Local events, indeed.? She intended to cause local events, not catch up on them.

Strolling through the heart of the business district, frowning because she should be above the feelings of nostalgia that tugged at her heartstrings, the dark-haired kunoichi stopped to stare up at the stone Hokage faces. Yes, she couldn?t deny it. This place was her home, and her fellow ninjas were the closest thing she had to family. But, that wouldn?t stop her. Even though she never really had a family life of her own, she had observed plenty of families. Siblings often squabbled. It was no big deal.

?Ah!? The sudden exclamation caused Anko to drop into a defensive stance. Old habits never faded. There was no danger. It was merely Maito Gai. Then again, that stupid green suit of his could be giving her irreparable eye damage, a brain tumor, or something else of that ilk. ?You?re back. L-??

?If you say ?Lady,? I?ll shorten you by three inches.? Anko?s kunai was in hand, and pointed straight at the other jounin?s groin region. ?It?s Anko, again. Just Anko.? She fought her rising temper. This wasn?t the time to fly off the handle. No. This was actually an opportunity. Gai had a loud and quick mouth. He would be the perfect tool. ?But? even though I have given up my exalted position?? She couldn?t help but sneer, saying that. ?I did bring a new technique back with me.?

?Really?? Gai?s eyes went wide. He unknowingly struck one of his famous poses. ?What is it?? He couldn?t look more eager and enthusiastic.

?It?s a secret.? Anko grinned. That ought to get him where it hurts! Hah.

?What!? Gai slumped for a brief moment. ?I won?t tell anyone else?? His eyes had a pleading look about them.

?Hmmm-mm-m?? Anko made as if she were contemplating the matter. ?Well? you know? you should tell everyone else. Tell them that I have something special. They can all meet me in the first building on the cliff at sundown. Those that want to experience something truly remarkable, that is?? Yes. That ought to do it. Tsunade swore that she never let on about their earlier duplicity. So, her former customers might well be tempted to come see what she had brought back with her. ?Now? if you will excuse me? I have to prepare myself?? She hid a grin after saying that. Fools. They would get what they deserved.

?Right!? Gai nodded his head, shaking his fist and posing again. ?Your talents are a gift to this village. The shining glow of Destiny. The burning hearts of the shinobi. The future is bright.? He ran off to tell anyone and everyone who was willing to listen.

?Shit.? Anko scowled. ?Some people?? She sighed, watching Gai speed off. It was somewhat disconcerting. People like that were so gullible. That wasn?t comforting, even though it did play into her plans. The safety of the village rested in the hands of idiots. Sheesh. ?I better get some props?? She would visit Madame Pythia?s old house. The one she had made her shop. Even if the servants were no longer living there, there ?mystical? items might have been left behind.

Sure enough, even though the small building had been abandoned, it had not been occupied by new tenants. Everything was the way she had left it, for the most part. Looking down at the floor, she noted a number of polished slats that looked different than the others. They were relatively new, compared to the well worn wood surrounding them. That brought back images of Akamaru?s visit. Frowning, she almost convinced herself that a slight foul odor still remained.

?Well? I won?t have to do that kind of thing again?? Anko rubbed her hands together. Even though ?Lady Anko? would officially be retired, there would be countless hangers-on who tried to pump her for information, or beg her to make an exception in their case. Her actions this night would go a long way reducing the chance of such annoying instances. ?One last time?? She eyed a rack of exotic and flamboyant apparel. Should she dress up to play the part? Sure. Why not? Disrobing, she kicked her clothes aside, and then slid into her fancy raiment.

Suitably garbed, the jounin grabbed a large shoulder bag and began stuffing it with candles, incense, and other handy items. When her bag was full, she stopped to stare at a large throne-like chair she had used for certain grand deceptions. For a moment, she grinned wickedly, her teeth showing. Should she ask Gai to haul the heavy furniture up the steep path to the cliff? No. That would be great; but, this kind of performance would go best with everyone sitting on the floor, surrounding her and the Ouija board.

Making her way slowly and sedately towards the rendezvous point, Anko tried to ignore the villagers who stopped to gawk at her. Those were the wiser members of the Leaf, no doubt, the ones that had never tumbled to her routine before. But, mixed in with them, she caught sight of former customers. They all waved or shouted, and a fair number began trailing after her, wondering what might be going on. Damn. She had meant this for shinobi only. The sting wouldn?t be so great, if it were kept between ninja. Ah well. The more the merrier. She wasn?t growing soft, was she?

?No? really? I can?t accept?? Her conscience heckled her ever so slightly when a number of women ran from their cook stoves, offering her freshly baked bread and a steaming bowl of stew. A lot of people seemed to think highly of her, all because of that stupid act she had been forced to put on. Her anger flared momentarily, and soon crested. No one had cared about her before, when she faced death regularly as shinobi. That short burst of negativity helped her stay true to her plan. ?But? thank you?? She almost hated them for being kind to her now. Maybe that was a lingering effect from her days spent with the Legendary Sannin.

The cluster of small huts and buildings that seemed to cling to the cliff face like warts were in need of cleaning. That was no surprise. As emergency shelters, they had no use during peaceful times, except for teenagers who snuck away to spend time alone. Younger children might risk punishment to visit the place as well, just to be able to brag to their meeker friends. Settling her hefty tote sack on an old supply crate, Anko noticed a small doll that had fallen behind the box. No doubt some little girl had lost it here, back when the Sand and Sound had assaulted the village.

?To work?? The kunoichi began setting up candles and braziers, unconcerned about the effects that poor ventilation might have. Every so often, she caught sign of one villager or another peering through one of the doors into the main room. She had to fight the urge to send shuriken in their direction. It was OK for shinobi to sneak around. Not civilians. For ninja, it was professional privilege. For the others, it was snooping. ?O great spirits of the Underground, come to me and guard this place, aid me in performing this ritual uninterrupted.? She laughed out loud, after hearing the sound of running footsteps.

Finally, she finished with her preparations. The room looked suitably schmaltzy, with a dark air and ambience. Just the kind of setting a wizened old woman with a crystal ball might use. Perfect. It would be just one more thing to snare the unwary, to hook those with some moronic desire or need to believe in this kind of nonsense.

Singly and in groups, shinobi of various ages trickled into the room, some of them welcoming Anko back into the fold. A number of civilians accompanied them, including a few esteemed elders who should have been embarrassed showing up for something like that. Naturally, there was no sign of the Hokage.

?I don?t see why you want to go to this thing.? That was Naruto?s voice. It had the kunoichi smiling, and the guys chuckling and making snide remarks. They knew why he was here. Hinata. For all his protestations about girls, he often ended up doing whatever she liked. She, on the other hand, was still very quiet and shy; but, once Naruto had begun to pay attention to her, she surprised everyone by taking the lead in the relationship. Will wonders never cease? ?It?s stupid.?

?Naruto-kun? Hinata walked into the gathering, tugging on Naruto?s sleeve. She still looked overwhelmed, walking into a group of people acting in that fashion. But, that didn?t stop her. ?That?s not very nice.?

?I didn?t say you were stupid?? Naruto put in quickly.

?She would have to be,? Kiba said. ?If she chose you for her boyfriend.? He held out his hand and Akamaru slapped it with his paw.

?I concur,? Shino said. He held out his hand too, but Akamaru was too busy howling with canine laughter.

?Yeh. Sure.? Naruto put his hands on his hips and glared at his friend. ?Who?s stupid? I?m here because Hinata dragged me. You don?t have any excuse.?

?Sure we do,? Kiba said, looking smug. ?A lot of girls will be here tonight?? He stood a little straighter, glancing around the room, hoping to catch the eye of one of the chuunin girls a year or two his junior. ?And I?m sure this will be good for a laugh.?

?Definitely,? Shino added.

?Well, you?re right about that.? Naruto ignored the look that Hinata gave him. It was nice having a girlfriend in a way. For someone like him, who treasured people and wanted positive attention, it was a good thing. But, it was a pain in the ass, trying to be polite all the time. ?It?s all too funny for words.?

?So? you think this is all some kind of joke?? Anko threw some powder on one of the braziers. A large ball of fire erupted, followed by malodorous green smoke. ?You doubt my abilities??

A number of people quickly spoke up in support of Anko. Those same people roundly chastised the three verbal boys, trying to put them in their place.

?Ummm? she was the one who told me to dress the way I did?? Hinata blushed. The memory of her risque promenade in a get-up more suitable for a courtesan or cheap street-walker was fresh in her mind. That, and the royal scolding she took from her image-conscious father. ?That?s? it was the only way I was able to get your attention??

Kiba let out a long wolf whistle. Akamaru howled. Shino said ?Hubba hubba,? shocking everyone who didn?t understand his dry sense of humor.

?She told me what to do to get Shikamaru?s attention,? Ino said, making a face at Naruto. She hooked her elbow around her teammate?s and pulled him closer to her.

?That?s right!? Temari did the same thing. Shikamaru grimaced, caught in the middle yet again. One girl was bothersome. Two were troublesome to the extreme. He sighed, looking over at a dejected looking Choji. His friend was too depressed to even open a fresh chip bag. The rotund young ninja still had his heart set on Ino.

?I may even win Sakura?s heart!? Lee went pale, blurting that out. After Naruto had essentially chose Hinata over Sakura, the bushy eye-browed boy had gathered up his courage and tried to get the pink-haired medical ninja to think about him. Even though she had pummeled him to the point of hospitalization at the time, she had been grateful that he came to stand up for her, back when Anko had convinced him that she was Naruto?s slave.

Sakura gave Lee an irritated look that immediately set him off. He began doing pushups, counting as he went. Gai looked down at his pupil with fond pride, glad to see that he took matters of character to heart. Striking a stance, he claimed: ?My string of victories against my rival Kakashi can be no coincidence.?

?And we?re cool!? Konohamaru piped up, once again needing to be in the spotlight, for whatever fleeting amount of time he could grasp.

?That?s right.? Moegi did a pirouette.

?Uhhh? what they said?? Udon looked like he wished that he had stayed home. He crouched down out of sight when a number of people began chuckling.

?Don?t be such a troublemaker, Naruto.? Sakura scolded her friend and fellow team member. She looked at him with a touch of disappointment; but, she shouldn?t give up hope. Who could tell what the future might bring? If she worked up the courage, maybe she could ask some question on that subject tonight. ?Obviously, Hinata hasn?t been able to help your manners any.?

?Why don?t you tell that to Kiba and Shino, too?? Naruto frowned. Sakura was on his case more and more these days, with ?Hinata? this and ?Hinata? that. But, being as clueless as he was at times, he never figured out why.

?ENOUGH!? Anko released flash powder from her hands when she swept them in broad arc over the candle tops. Tongues of flame shot towards the low ceiling, singing a number of cobwebs in the process. ?If you want to fight like children, take it outside.?

Grudgingly, Naruto conceded to Hinata?s request and sat down quietly. He opened his mouth to start again, when some of the girls chided him. He sighed and closed his mouth when Hinata tapped him lightly on one hand. How could such a quiet and unassuming girl have such power over him, when all the loud-mouthed demonstrative ones did not? Probably because she was a lot like him, in some ways, no matter how different they were otherwise.

?He?s whipped.? Kiba didn?t care that the kunoichi and other gals glowered at him. He liked standing out in a crowd. Besides, what could they do to him?

?There can be no other explanation.? Shino pulled his cowl a bit further over his face.

?Huh?? Naruto screwed up his face. ?Whipped?? He looked over at Hinata, who shrugged. His eyes went wide when Gai dutifully assumed the mantle of the older more mature male and whispered ?pussy whipped,? and explained what that meant. When Ten Ten did the same for Hinata, the younger girl fainted. Anko saw, grinned, and took mental note.

?Now? if I may?? Anko favored everyone in the room with a steely and haughty gaze. She pulled her travel bag over to her with one foot, and then promptly sat down in the middle of the room. She smiled when Hinata regained consciousness and placed a hand over Naruto?s mouth. Ino, Ten Ten, and Sakura added theirs on top of the smaller ninja?s.

The crowd sat silently, a tangible hint of excitement and building curiosity filling the musty air. Seeing that the believers in the audience were all rapt, Anko slid the Ouija board out of the carrying case.

?The Spirit Board,? Anko pronounced. ?Some of the elder seers and sages called it the Talking Board.? She didn?t add that she would name it something different when her mercenary urges took over down the road. ?It is a very powerful and time-proven tool of the mystics.? She let that claim hang in the air like a spectre. Seeing everyone look at one another, she continued. The bait was in their mouths. She needed only to set the hook.

?What does it do?? Gai moved closer for a better look.

?I will place this planchette on the board,? Anko replied, showing her fellow ninja a small triangular object with casters. ?I will rest my fingers on it.? She demonstrated. ?I will then start moving it around the board, speaking to the entity or entities that I wish to summon.?

?Entities?? Rock Lee looked uncomfortable. In his own way, he was one of the bravest shinobi of the Leaf. The thought of unseen beings sent a chill down his spine just the same.

?You better hold his hand, Sakura.? Kiba chuckled, seeing the angry look on the kunoichi?s face.

?Sure.? Naruto folded his arms over his chest. ?Entities. Right.? He was about to say ?Who believes in that kind of crap?? Instead, his slid one hand down to his belly, about navel level. With Kyuubi inside him, and having learned about the other Bijuu that Akatsuki had been after, he should be the one who rushed quickly to dismiss anything.

?Please, Naruto-kun.? Hinata looked somewhat startled herself. But, she was surprised to find that she was excited too. As long as Naruto was near her, she had nothing to fear.

?Someone put a gag on that boy,? some wiseacre in the rear of the room quipped. Naruto turned to see who it was, but couldn?t tell.

?No. Put a bag over his head.? Another joker?s comment had a large number of people chuckling.

?I happen to have a spare,? Anko said, holding up an empty bag. That had everyone laughing, and Naruto pulling at his lower lip. ?But? if everyone else wants to do the talking? maybe I should just keep my mouth shut.? When everyone promised to behave, she told them to sit. ?Alright. Back to basics. No questions. Just listen.? She took out a sharp nasty looking knife and began flipping it in one hand. She liked threats. Threats were good. ?When I speak to the entity, it will act through me, causing my hand to move. Eventually the planchette will come to rest on one letter after another, spelling out a message.?

Kiba smiled, but kept quiet. Naruto opened his mouth, but thought better of it. Shino slowly drifted off into sleep, causing Akamaru to bark when he started to snore.

?The board is a tool or medium through which a skilled user can communicate with the spirit realm. This is not just some kind of game. I don?t play games.? That much was true. Everyone who knew her would know that much. ?Do not interrupt me when I begin. Basic guidelines must be followed. If I falter, and the entity I?m in contact with is an evil one, we could all suffer as a result.? She looked at Naruto. ?Some of them make the Kyuubi look like a lap dog.? The intensity of excitement and anticipation went up a few notches. ?Do not question their answers. They may take note of you. That would not be a good thing??

Anko had talked with an old woman at the village she had guested at. She was very knowledgeable, and knew the truth behind the Ouija board. It had nothing to do with spirits or the occult. There was nothing demonic about the device. Instead, the explanation lay with the concept of the ideomotor effect, an involuntary and unconscious motor behavior.

That term also explained the movements of dowsing rods and pendulums by dowsers, and table turning by spirit mediums. Medical ninjas were well aware of the fact that muscular movement can be initiated by the mind independently of volition or emotions. While an individual may not be aware of it, suggestions can be made to his or her mind by others, or by observations. Those suggestions can influence the mind and affect the way one moves parts of the body. In other words, physiological not paranormal.

?I expect you all to be completely quiet for the next few minutes.? Anko took assorted paraphernalia out of her carry bag. ?I must perform ritual to cleanse the board. Whatever you do, make certain you don?t blow out any of the small white candles.? That sounded suitably ominous. She could sense that her repeat customers were lapping this all up. ?The board will act as a magnet for earthborn beings. That?s why it should never be used in graveyards, haunted houses, or sites of tragedy.?

?This is a site of tragedy,? Naruto muttered. He wasn?t referring to any past event; rather, he meant his having to be there was tragic.

?Think happy thoughts,? Anko said, purposefully throwing a handful of powder in Naruto?s face. ?Visualize silver rain, or focus on seeing the auras of those next to you.? Every time a match burned out, she tossed it at the skeptical ninja. ?Call upon any spiritual guide you have to protect you, and to make certain that the ones I call tonight will speak only the truth.?

?Hah!? Kiba pointed at the powder covered Naruto. ?He looks like a donut or something!?

?Not very appetizing though,? Shino said dryly.

?Thanks, Shino.? Ino made a face. ?Now I won?t be stepping inside of a bakery for at least a year.?

?That?s probably best,? Sakura said impishly. ?It looks like every donut you?ve every eaten has gone to your hips.? Both Ino and Sakura stood up, glaring at one another. Obviously, some vestigial part of their earlier rivalry remained.

?S---I---L---E---N---C---E.? Anko swiflty and covertly called upon her Genjutsu skills. The room seemed to fill with a thin grey mist, and the temperature of the crowded enclosure seemed to drop a number of degrees. ?Most of the spirits contacted through the Ouija are those who reside on the lower astral plane. These spirits are often very confused, and may have died a violent or sudden death through murder, suicide, or fierce battles. They themselves may tend to be violent if provoked.? Using her talents again, she made it seem as if a foul stench arose in the room. The other shinobi had no reason to think about dispelling illusion.

?Phew!? Kiba put a hand over his nose. ?That was probably Naruto.? He didn?t care what Anko said. He was sure this mumbo jumbo was all fake. ?Just like at the chuunin exams.?

?WOOF!? Akamaru barked, reliving his own memories from that past fight.

Anko stared at the noisy ninja. Yes. Kiba had earned special treatment, later. Fortunately, only he and Naruto seemed to be outwardly doubtful. Them and that other boy, the one who gave her the creeps for some reason. She could deal with snakes. Bugs were something else altogether. ?I see how much you care about your friends and fellow villagers,? she said. ?Your own pitiful attempts at humor mean more to you than their safety.? She put every ounce of contempt into her voice that she could muster. ?Your negative energies may very well attract vile creatures to this place, now that the board is primed and ready. There are beings that can possess the bodies of their victims and cause normally gentle, nonviolent people to commit outrageous crimes.? She paused, and made a big show of hanging her head. ?Orochimaru admitted to me that he used talking boards as a genin.? She thought that was a rather nice touch.

?This is so bothersome,? Shikamaru drawled, immediately shushed by the girls on either side of him.

?Another skeptic?? Anko raised one eyebrow. ?Perhaps you are not as much of a genius as everyone thinks.? She shrugged. ?There were a number of instances of cattle mutilation? human vampirism?and strange psychiatric occurrences? in the villages that I visited. We traced their origin to the use of spirit boards by untrained amateurs? and to situations where the listeners overstepped their bounds.? She let that sink in. This was fun. Many of the younger shinobi looked truly worried. ?A device such as this can be a window into heaven?? She caused another series of flames to shoot upward. ??Or a doorway into hell.? That ought to have them stirred up enough. As some of the listeners shifted their weight about uneasily, a number of floorboards creaked. It cause a few of the girls to huddle closer together.

After that, the devious jounin began going through more confabulated ritual motions, until she seemed to experience a fit of convulsions. When she stopped shaking, she slowly reached out, took up the planchette, and placed it on the board at a place marked ?Start.? In a distant sounding voice, she asked ?Who has a question for the spirit realm. All things in the human world are visible to us. Any answer can be found.?

At first, no one spoke up. Then, suddenly, it seemed that everyone had a question. A number of people wanted to contact deceased friends and relatives. Others focused on the living, or on their own fears and hopes.

?Why don?t you ask the spirits what they think about green suits,? Naruto said to Lee, ribbing his friend.

?Hey, that?s great!? Kiba congratulated Naruto. That ought to be worth a good laugh. ?Oi! Spirits. What do the nether regions think about Gai and his suit??

?Ahhhh-hhh-hh-h?? Anko made her voice sound different. Slowly, she moved the planchette, highlighting one letter of the alphabet after the other. The ?nether regions? gave her a rather juicy direction. She knew just what to spell out, to cause her fellow jounin a great deal of grief. G? A? Y.

?Gay!? Kiba sat up straighter. He snapped his fingers. ?We should have guessed??

?What?s gay?? Naruto made a face. He tried to be understanding of peoples? differences, but certain things still made him feel uncomfortable. He remembered the shock he felt, thinking Haku might be a cute girl, but realizing he was indeed a he. ?Gai? or the suit he wears??

Anko moved her hands again. B? O? T? H. That set the whole place in an uproar. Gai shouted that he was not like that, and Lee looked at him at with a stunned look on his face. The younger ninja looked down at his own green clothing and blinked rapidly.

?What about Lee?? Sakura asked that. Her question had an immediate effect on Lee, as one might expect. He started shaking his head and waving his hands vehemently.

Again, Anko spelled out words. G? A? I???S? ?S? T? U? D? E? N? T.

As with many Ouija board answers, the reply was very vague and could be taken many ways. The talking and whispering reached crescendo levels.

?And Gai gave me one of those suits, too.? Naruto shuddered, thinking back to the day. ?Did that mean?? He scooted across the floor, away from Gai?s location.

?Well, Naruto?s not that way.? Sakura spoke up, knowing Naruto better than anyone, except possibly for Hinata. She knew the question she wanted most to ask. ?Do I have a chance with Naruto some day?? But, she didn?t want to ask things that way. She would take a different tack. ?So? spirits?. ? It was hard coming out and asking this. Everyone would feel sorry for her or something. ?How are? Naruto and Hinata? you know?? She chickened out, unable to say ?How are Naruto and Hinata going to do as a couple.?

?Ummmm-mmm-mm-m?? Anko closed her eyes and moved the planchette again. She had all of the letter placements memorized through physical memory. B? U? N? ? I? N? ? O? V? E? N. That one ought to really catch fire!

?Wh-? Wh-? What!? Sakura stiffened up. The words her ?Inner Sakura? began spouting cannot be repeated in polite company. She knew what that aphorism meant.

?Huh?? Naruto made a face. He was still somewhat na?ve. ?O? sure? we often get messy in the kitchen.? His words inadvertently added fuel to the fire. He was referring to the fact that Hinata loved to cook, and had been showing him the way around a kitchen.

?Heh? heh? heh?? Kiba?s face practically glowed. ?Naruto, you stud.? He looked over at his teammate, wondering why Hinata was trying to look so innocent. ?It?s always the quiet ones.?

?Who would have guessed?? Shino stared at Hinata critically, wondering just how well he knew his team member.

When Ten Ten bent over to explain what having a bun in the oven meant, Hinata passed out again.

?Naruto did that?? Choji suddenly looked even more gloomy than before. He had always wondered how the other guys were doing with girls, always seeing himself as a poor exception to everything. In Naruto and Lee, he had seen guys that he thought would be in the same state he was, regarding his virginity. Well, he might as well get more bad news. ?Spirits? what about Kiba??

Anko barely managed to repress a smile. Now it was time for the Inuzuka boy to get what he deserved. Finally. L? O? V? E? S? ? T? H? E? ? D? O? G. Another vague answer. Another fuse lit.

?Gross!? Naruto shook a fist at Kiba. ?Poor Akamaru!? His mouth was running ahead of his mind yet again. He knew that Anko was a fraud and a trouble-maker.

?But?? Kiba couldn?t get a word in edgewise. He looked over at Anko. Some how, someday, she would pay. He flinched seeing a group of pretty girls look in his direction and make a look of disgust. ?I never?? He growled, as did his canine companion.

Choji actually looked a bit pleased, after he got over his shock. So there was someone worse off than he was!

Anko couldn?t believe how well things were going. There would be dozens of rumors flying around town like arrows, before the night was out. She wasn?t really sex-obsessed herself, but she knew just what kind of issues would capture the populace?s imagination. One thing that caught the attention of impressionable listeners was the topic of death. Another was any personal fear they might have. But, even more so, at least on some subconscious level, people often thought about sex. She would mine that vein for all it was worth.

?What about Shino?? Choji blurted that out, feeling a bit self-conscious suddenly. He didn?t want to seem like the whole topic excited him.

L? I? K? E? S? ? G? I? R? L? S. Anko stopped her movement for a brief moment, a bit perturbed that she couldn?t see Shino?s face, one way or another. Then, she added her next zinger. Perfect. ?B? U? T? ? L? I? K? E? S? ? T? O? ? W? E?A?R? ? D? R? E? S? S.

As one might expect, the frenzy grew and grew. Not one to show emotion, Shino became visibly upset. He knew the board was a hoax. He was well aware what Anko was up to. But, he was bright enough to know that many of the people in the room actually thought some spirit was revealing secrets.

?Maybe I?m not so bad, after all.? Smiling, Choji began attacking his unopened snack bags with renewed vigor.

Ino decided to strike while the iron was hot. The whole topic of intimate relations naturally had her thinking about Shikamaru. Him, and Temari. She wanted to know if he were lying about never having gone all the way with the Sand kunoichi. She also wanted to know how to make sure she was the one. ?And Shikamaru?? She crossed her fingers. Suddenly, she felt a sense of dread. The other answers had not treated the people in question very kindly.

?Nnnn-nnn-nn-n?? Anko went through her spiel again. This time, she could nail a number of people. P? L? A? Y? E? R. She couldn?t help grinning, when she saw both Ino?s and Temari?s reaction. Shikamaru merely closed his eyes and let out a long sigh of annoyance. M? O? E? G?I. That had Udon and Konohamaru gasping, staring at their teammate. Ino kicked Shikamaru in the shin, hard. T?E? N? ? T? E? N. The jounin had never seen Neji look the way he did, hearing that. She added a couple of other names, before going for the coup de gras. T? S? U? N. Her hand paused, letting the dramatic tension build up. Paybacks are a bitch! A? D? E.

Naruto jumped to his feet, enraged. He began to shout at Anko, coming to the defense of ?Granny Tsunade.?

Moving extremely quickly, Anko took on the form of a ghostly apparition, touching Naruto on the shoulder with a quick acting paralysis agent. When he keeled over, and Hinata rushed to aid him, she resumed her own form and spoke. ?Nobody move! I must restrain the spirit!? There was an impressive light show after that, complete with various sound effects. She was rather impressed with herself. Ninja techniques were not just for the job anymore! They were for personal pleasure and gratification, too. ?That was much too close. You will all need to stay under control. The truth can be rather shocking.?

?Naruto-kun?? Hinata looked up at Anko, a pleading look in her eyes. ?Can you help him??

?I managed to stop the spirit before any serious damage was done.? Anko put her hand to her forehead, pretending to be drained and weary. ?We might not be so lucky, next time?? The angry recipients and skeptics in the room were drowned out by everyone promising to behave.

?Hey?? Konohamaru piped up. He was secretly glad to see that Naruto was human, after all. Thinking about his friend and self-proclaimed rival, his mind had stumbled upon a question he had always wondered about. ?I have one?? Every time he saw Naruto these days, it was in the company of Sakura and the Copy Ninja. ?Why does that Kakashi guy wear a mask??

Anko convulsed again. She took up the planchette. Telling herself that she wasn?t jealous of Kakashi?s abilities, and did not resent the fact that he was viewed as a shining example of Konoha?s best, while she was seen as some kind of freak, she tried to come up with the perfect answer. OK. That would do. H? I? D? I? N? G. That would make sense to some people. C? O? N? V? I? C? T? E? D? ? F? E? L? O? N. She paused again, letting the sense of shock and mystery grow. Ahhh. It would be a low blow. So what! This was about trouble, not the truth. P?E? D? O? P? H? I? L? E.

?I should have known!? Suddenly, Gai was transformed from the injured party, into a gloating adversary. While he knew the things said about him were not true, he instantly grasped onto the remarks about his fellow jounin. ?It?s those books! The true of heart and pure of spirit would never read something like that! His is the pimple on the shining face of Konoha!? The Copy Ninja was not there to defend himself.

?That?s not true!? No one seemed interested in listening to Sakura. Irate, she turned and looked at Konohamaru. Well, turnabout?s fair play. She would see if the little cretin had some skeletons in his closet. Turning back to the board, she called out in a loud voice. ?What about Konohamaru??

N? O? ? G? I? R? L? F? R? I? E?N?D. Anko frowned a bit. Her fingers were becoming a bit cramped, moving the damn device around. But, she smiled, hearing Konohamaru claiming that as the grandson of a Hokage he would have plenty of girlfriends when he was older. Even though everyone should know he was too young to be doing anything about hormonal urges and the like, she thought up a great addition. ?H? A? S? ? B? L? O? W? -? U? P? ? D? O? L? L.

?Figures,? Sakura said, with a sense of satisfaction. But, her sense of pleasure wouldn?t last long. Having spoken up, she made herself a target.

?Hmmmpppfff.? Ino looked really cross. She didn?t know whether or not to believe what she had heard about Shikamaru. Even though none of that was Sakura?s fault, she would serve as a good release for her anger. ?What about Freaky Forehead Girl?? She was still a bit miffed that the medical ninja wouldn?t share her feelings with her, while she in contrast was willing to talk about her teammate until the cows came home. ?We all suspect it. Doesn?t she have a big crush on Naruto??

?Ohmmm-mm-m?? Anko shook a little bit, a small bit of saliva rolling down her chin. She made a few other nondescript noises as she tried to think of the next new angle. Mmmm hmmm. That was a good one! N? O. That was just the first part. It might even make Sakura feel somewhat relieved. She shouldn?t, though. Not just yet. S? A? V? I? N? G? ? F? O? R? ? S? E? X? ? C? H? A? N? G? E.

?Oi!? Kiba clapped. Still steamed, he nonetheless could appreciate that verbal knife to the back. He grudgingly admitted that Anko was good at what she did. Unfortunately. ?Never saw that one coming. Maybe that?s why she had a thing for Sasuke. He was prettier than most of the girls.?

?Sakura?? The double blow was almost too much for poor Lee. First, Gai and green stretchy suits. Now, the love of his life. How could fate be so cruel?

?That forehead would probably be distinguished on a guy,? Ino quipped, loving every moment of it. ?Or some big old cow?? That started Sakura and Ino wrangling again. Things looked like they could get ugly real fast.

?The? who?? Lee?s voice cracked. ?Who does Sakura? really like?? Maybe the spirit was mistaken. That was it! If he had faith, things would turn out well. He knew they would. It was something that Gai-sensai always told him. Then again, maybe his mentor didn?t tell him everything, right?

Anko closed her eyes and leaned from side to side for a moment. Who else could she zap? O! Right! How could she forget? There had been someone who had been a bit pompous and self-righteous, coming into Madame Anko?s place of business. Sure, she might have had a valid reason; but, that didn?t matter. K? U? R? E? N? A? I.

?So that was why she wouldn?t date me!? Gai regained some of his composure. He struck a pose, oblivious to the giggling it engendered. ?Kakashi told me it was the clothes. And the whole teeth thing. That and my haircut. I knew he was lying.? He laughed. ?You can never trust a sex offender.?

?That?s it!? Kiba had finally heard enough. His teacher wasn?t there to defend herself. ?Akamaru? dynamic marking?? He intended to have the dog spin through the air, spraying Anko with urine.

?Enough is enough.? Shino began to call forth his chakra bugs.

Anko was ready. Some of the powders she had laying about were sneezing agents. Others cause temporary blindness. Deftly, she doused the three antagonists, without getting much on the other spectators. Then, just as a groggy Naruto was sitting up, she gave her three adversaries a taste of the paralytic agent. They all keeled over. The way Kiba unconsciously draped over Akamaru bordered on the obscene, to anyone there with a dirty mind, or those who took ?Lady Anko? and the ?spirit? at their word.

?Aww-w-ww-w?? Naruto rubbed his head. ?What?s going on??

?Kiba?s into bestiality,? Choji replied helpfully. ?Kakashi is a pedophile. Shino wears dresses. Shika is a ladies? man. Konohamaru has an inflatable sex toy.? He began stuffing his mouth with chips and pork rinds again. ?O! And Sakura is planning on becoming a man.?

?Huh?? Naruto put his hands on his hips. ?You really believe any of that? You?re not as idiotic as the rest of them, are you?? He quickly dismissed Hinata from that blanket statement when he heard her traditional ?Naruto-kun.? He spread his feet apart and clenched his fists when a large number of people in the room stood up for Anko. He was ready. He would take them all if necessary, to prove his point.

?Ummm..? Hinata moved to diffuse the situation. ?Lady Anko? spirits?? She looked over at Naruto. There was one question that came to mind. Something very important. ?Will Naruto become Hokage some day??

?Mmmm mmmm mmmm?? Anko couldn?t have asked for a better question. This would sting the loud-mouthed and unpredictable ninja, even though he didn?t believe in the ruse. Y? E?S. She paused again. It was interesting to watch the reaction in the various people in the room. Even as Hinata congratulated him happily, Naruto scowled at her. W? H? E? N? ? P? I? G? S? ? F? L? Y. That was especially funny to her. She had thought about flinging that irritating Ton Ton out of a window on numerous occasions.

?Spirit?? Naruto thumbed his nose. He looked down at the unconscious Kiba, Shino, and Akamaru. He glanced over at everyone that he had heard disparaged. They were his friends. They were his precious ones. ?Tell us just how bad I?m going to kick Anko?s ass?? With that, the crowded room became even more crowded. Naruto clones filled every bit of the remaining space.

P-O-O-F!

Anko?s form disappeared in a puff of smoke. She had used the substitution technique just before Naruto predictable pulled out his Kage Bunshin No Jutsu. Leaving her gear behind, she had leaped out an open window before anyone realized she was making a break for it.

She smiled. She could only imagine to tumult going on back in the small building. No doubt her supporters and adherents would be moving to her defense. There would be bumps, bruises, and smarting egos when everything was done. Not a bad bit of chaos for so little investment of time, effort, and money!

Of course, she would be persona non grata soon enough. People would catch on. The truth would come out. But, not before the whole village heard everything that took place.

?I think I?ll go see what Tsunade had chosen as my next assignment.? She sped on her way. It would be advantageous to ask? and to leave early, if necessary? before the Hokage caught word of her little game.

This time, it would be advantageous to go as far away as possible. A nice little mountain retreat might be just the thing!

FINIS