Shots Fired - Part I - Chapter 2

0mikr0n · Post by **0mikr0n** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 10:56 pm

Seventeen views and no responses? Come on, I would like some feedback, it tells me where to go. I would appreciate it.

Kainen · Post by **Kainen** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 11:32 pm

First review!

This story really is turning out to focus on Viscotti and not so much HxR. Different, I have to say.

In a good way because I think you're pulling it off. These little and brief introductions of the original main characters are enticing. One way of looking at it is that it keeps readers on their toes: reading onward to get another glimpse of the much loved original charactes.

I like your composition and your prose, but I'd be a bit more careful when it comes to writing in the 1st and 3rd person. Chap 1 and 2 are very slightly peppered with 1st person instances (see quote below), when this is a story in the 3rd person.

He looked at me directly

I am much of an HxR fan, and lean toward stories that have them as the main focus, but I respect what you're trying to do, and wish you good luck.

I'd like to see where you go with this.

Kainen · Post by **Kainen** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 11:35 pm

And don't get dishearted with the lack of responses. The fact your work is getting views means it's piquing people's interest.

0mikr0n · Post by **0mikr0n** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 11:42 pm

Right, thanks for the heads up. I'll revise them both immediately. I'm writing another fanfic for a Battlefield 2 mod on the side and I'm used to writing in first person, so it's kinda hard balancing them all out.

Kainen · Post by **Kainen** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 11:47 pm

Well, you're not doing too shabby! LOL

Just curious....do you have any sort of military background? You seem quite knowledgeable in that area when you write.

0mikr0n · Post by **0mikr0n** » Sun Jun 18, 2006 12:05 am

No, actually, I don't; I'm only fifteen... unless Army JROTC counts, but in reality that's not real military. As far as my knowledge in modern weaponry, I make a habit of studying weaponry randomly, almost impulsively, I have no idea why. And yet, for some reason, I have no plans to enter the service; in fact, I actually plan to take up a career in video game design, but that's thinking way to far ahead for right now.

Although I'm a certified video game junkie / nut, I find joy in writing on my own free time.

HiFreak · Post by **HiFreak** » Sun Jun 18, 2006 12:19 pm

Wow, well. When you said that Viscotti's attraction to Relena would not amount to anything I thought he would just quietly keep it to himself. I certainly never expected a full discution about. Caught me by surprise with that one. I like the fact that Heero is not jelaous or anything.

I also love the way you bring in the classic character out of the blue like that great job!

0mikr0n · Post by **0mikr0n** » Sun Jun 18, 2006 1:08 pm

The conversation was not only there to establish his true feeling, but to show a connection beginning. Not of love, but of trust. Keep in mind that throughout the conversation, she is constantly testing Viscotti, trying to see where his loyalty lies. Heero isn't jealous exactly for the reason underlined: he knows that as long as they care, they're effective. Of course, he is somewhat of a utilitarian sometimes, so occasionally he sees the Protectorate as a weapon.

Duo its a great comic relief. I couldn't stop laughing as I typed his section about Quatre getting drunk.

Chapter Two wrote:Oh damn, I think we all ambled down our own streets drunk that night, the security had to come by and tazer us all just to get us to go home and stop doing stupid shit.

Chapter Two wrote:Just one swig of that crap and... BAM. He falls to the ground and wakes up the next morning not knowing what the hell happened.

Priceless.

Blissful Ignorance

A Heero and Relena Dedication site

Shots Fired - Part I - Chapter 2

Post and read fanfiction centered around "alternative" GW couplings - like Quatre x Catherine, Duo x Relena, Heero x Hilde, etc. fics

Shots Fired - Part I - Chapter 2