Fairy Cunning [pg-13; oneshot]

[RelenaFanel]

Title: Fairy Cunning
Fandom: Gundam Wing
Shipping: Heero/Relena
Rating: pg-13
Author: RelenaFanel
Disclaimer: Despite years upon years of obsession, I'm still no closer to owning GW. Fortunately, I'm unstable enough that I believe I do half the time.
Summary: Relena asks Heero out on a date and he defrags her hard-drive (and not in the euphemism way, to Relena's chagrin). She's at her wit's end with that guy, and almost ready to resort to extreme measures. A fairy-tale gone sour.


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Fairy Cunning


Relena dragged her brush through her hair, continuously pulling downwards until her arm grew tired. One of her earliest memories was her mother ? she now knew it was her real mother ? sitting Relena down in front of a beautifully carved vanity and running a silver brush through her fine blond hair. Every once and a while, she felt a sense of nostalgia for home and would sit down in front of a mirror and pretend she was young again. Usually, it followed one of her more stressful days. She had conditioner to make her hair smooth and silky during regular times.

Today had been less about stress than it had been about frustration and irritation towards her less-than-favourite-at-the-moment bodyguard. Relena yanked the brush through her hair, more fallen strands accumulating in the bristles than normal. If she had many more experiences like this, she reflected, staring in the mirror, she?d be bald. She had finally ?FINALLY- gotten the nerve to ask Heero on a date and he had deliberately misinterpreted her request. She still hadn?t figured out how he interpreted the words ?You. Me. Date. Tonight.? to mean ?I need you to run a diagnostic on my security system.?

That was Heero for you.

?Oh mom,? she whispered to a picture of her birthmother sitting in a silver frame on her dresser. She had gotten into the habit of speaking to the woman she could barely remember shortly after her first argument with Mrs. Dorlain. ?I wish you were here to help me and give me advice.? She picked up the photograph, fingering the frame carefully so she couldn?t get prints on the glass.

?Your wish is granted.? A voice said from Relena?s bed. She twirled around, clutching the frame to her chest in shock.

?Gah!? How had someone gotten into her bedroom? She knew her security system was up to date ? after all, she had just spent three hours watching Heero test it out. ?Who are you? What are you doing here?? Geez. She was Vice Foreign Minister. You?d think she?d be able to come up with more original questions than that.

?Who am I?? The stranger was clearly amused, and also taking over her bed. ?I?m your fairy godmother.?

?You?re male,? she deadpanned. What a kook. Relena snorted, a frown already forming at this guy wriggling around on her sheets as if scratching his back like a dog. His hair was Quatre-length, shaggy, and green and he was dressed in a one-piece purple jumpsuit. He clashed. Not just with her sensible pale pink bedspread, but with himself.

?No, I didn?t notice,? the fairy godmother replied scathingly. ?I was wondering what those dangly bits were.?

Relena crossed her arms over her chest. ?Is this a joke??

He didn?t reply.

?Aren?t fairy godmothers supposed to be... well, female?? Not that she believed him for one second. If anything, someone had set her up for a prank. They were probably being video-recorded and broadcast over the internet at that very moment.

?That?s gender discrimination,? he pouted, rolling onto his stomach, feet kicking in the air, and arms supporting his head. ?I thought you were the queen of being politically correct,? he grinned at his own joke, however weak it may be.

For some reason, she wasn?t as upset as she should be about finding a strange man who had invaded her room on her bed. It wasn?t just that she thought it was some sort of insane practical joke, either. She just felt a sense of peace. She also should be more worried about figuring that out, but she couldn?t overcome the sense of calm pervading her thoughts. Maybe she was sleeping. ?So fairies can be males??

?Sweetheart, fairies can be anything they want to be.? He blinked, emphasizing burgundy eyes. ?Now, why don?t you tell mommy what?s wrong.?

?You?re hardly my mom,? she informed him, amazed she was arguing semantics with this fool. ?Prove it,? she provoked with narrowed eyes.

?Well, mom number one was beautiful and statuesque ? like a queen. I could be her, but unfortunately she kicked the bucket. Mom number two is a real witc??

?I meant for you to prove you?re a fairy,? Relena cut off said fairy before he could analyze her whole family.

?Easy.? He said, jumping to his knees on her bed. His bright green hair swung wildly around his shoulders. His ears were as pointed as his chin, giving him a definite pixie-look. Relena wasn?t entirely convinced. She had seen some pretty amazing things down with makeup and temporary facial inserts over the years, including Hilde turning into a black man.

?This isn?t funny, Duo.? Relena said, figuring the only person who would go through with a prank of this magnitude was the braided Preventor agent.

?Sure it is,? the maybe-Duo figure said with a slight smirk on his face. ?Especially since I?m not this Duel character.?

?Duo.?

?Whatev. Could Duo do this?? He snapped his fingers and his hair turned orange. His eyes shifted left then right. ?Dragon shit! I meant to turn it pink so it would match your room.? He snapped his fingers again to turn his locks back into green.

?Was that a snide comment about my decorating scheme?? She asked confrontationally. For some reason, all she seemed to be doing was arguing with this guy. It must be the purple cat-suit. No one could take a man seriously if he was wearing all purple.

?Naw, we fey like the color pink just as much as the next pastel.? He tipped his head to the side, looking at her with glinting eyes. ?What do you want most in the world??

?Uh,? was she supposed to trust this guy with something personal of that magnitude. ?Universal peace??

?You achieved that on your own. Besides, I?m a love fairy.? Ha! That was a laugh.

?I don?t need love.? She clearly stated, lying through her teeth as she sat in a wicker rocking chair facing the bed. This whole conversation was exhausting her.

?Everyone needs love,? he told her. ?Besides, I know all your secret wishes.?

?Why ask then,? Relena pointed at the fairy. ?What are you trying to pull.?

?Nothing!? He jumped to his feet on the bed. She hoped his weird purple slipper type things were clean. ?I was just being polite. Most people don?t like it if I just started inferring what they want and grant wishes.?

?Well, if you know what I want, then you?ll know I want Heero to love me back.?

?I can do that!? He jumped excitedly, bouncing like a little kid jumping on the bed.

?NO!? Relena practically yelled, jumping to her feet again. ?Don?t you dare. I don?t want to win him through any wishes or magic or whatever you claim you can do.?

He nodded. ?I knew you?d make it difficult,? the fairy godmother told her. ?Damn human integrity,? he muttered out of the corner of his mouth obviously enough that she heard him audibly. ?That?s why I have a contingency plan.?

?Oh,? Relena asked, one of her eyebrows winging up. If he could work this without manipulating Heero in any way, she was willing to listen.

?I?ll just force him to go on a date with you. He?ll fall for your obvious charm and wit,? the fairy grinned at her as if he had just solved the problem to world famine, or the crossword in the Sunday post.

?You obviously don?t know Heero very well. You can?t force him to do anything.?

?Sure,? the fairy replied, not believing her for one second. He snapped his fingers and Heero suddenly materialized into the center of the room. Before he could snap his fingers again, Heero whipped out his gun and shot the fairy standing in the middle of Relena?s bed. Heero?s reflexes were better than ever. Sadly, the fairy?s weren?t up to par.

?AAaaaaaahhhiiiiiiiiie!? The fairy screamed as a bullet pierced his shoulder.

?Who are you, and what are you doing here!? Heero yelled, demanding an immediate answer. The fairy fell backwards, blue blood spurting through the air and leaving a spray on Relena?s white walls.

?Ohmigod Heero!? Relena chastised. ?What is this? Shoot and ask questions after??

?Your life was under imminent threat,? he told her calmly, no emotions inflicting his voice as he took a threatening step towards his victim. Relena closed her eyes, not knowing what to think. This was far too surreal. She was back to the conclusion this was all a dream.

?Hiya!? The fairy screamed, poking Heero in the eye.

Heero growled, pointing his gun again.

?Heero! He?s defenseless!? Relena called, moving forward to try to restrain the man she loved from killing the fairy. Heero?s attention was diverted from the fairy just long enough so the magic creature could snap his fingers again and send the gunman back to wherever he came from.

The fairy stood on the bed, his strangely colored blood dripping from between his fingers. ?Masterful,? he commented, a look of admiration on his face as he stared at the spot Heero had disappeared from. ?I can understand why thoughts of him keep you up at night with a vibrator.?

Relena sank back into the chair she had vacated not long ago. This wasn?t happening. Her cheeks were turning red from embarrassment at his last statement, but she was overwhelmed by the whole incident, starting with this guy appearing in her room. At least, now she had her answer of whether he had real powers ? Duo would never be able to get Heero to appear at will.

The man-fairy closed his eyes, his head twitching to the side sporadically. Relena watched, wondering what was going on now. It was hard to feel threatened by a guy with green hair, but then again she had more reason to be weary. Could he just snap his fingers and kill her? Fairy godmother or not, he was worth paying close attention to. The magical guy finally sighed with release and moved his hand off his arm. A bullet rested in his palm. He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and carefully wrapped the small piece of metal into it. Tucking it into his pocket, he snapped his fingers and both healed his wound and he removed all evidence he had ever been shot. This included cleaning Relena?s wall and repairing his weird purple outfit. ?Had trace amounts of iron in it,? he told her, as if that explained everything.

?What does that mean??

?It means I could have died,? he replied crossly, a frown appearing on his face. This look made his red eyes look threatening. Quickly, he schooled his face back into a congenial countenance. ?Doesn?t matter. I guess I?ll just have to readjust my plans.?

?Oh?? She asked, itching to ask what his plan had been to begin with.

?Yeah. Kidnapping your hero would be stupid. He shakes off my magical confusion spell quickly.?

?That?s Heero,? Relena muttered.

?So we?ll have to do this the old-fashioned way.? The fairy told her, sitting on her bed with his legs crossed comfortably in front of him.

?How?s that??

?You?ll have to ask him on a date.?

?What!? Relena exclaimed. She could not believe his big plan was for her to simply ask Heero out. He would never go for it. It would never work. Besides, she had tried that once today already. ?Ok, first of all, I?ve done that. If you were any kind of fairy godmother, you?d know that.?

?Cha. Don?t be nasty.? He waggled a finger at her.

?Secondly,? she continued, ignoring him. ?Heero doesn?t date. It was stupid of me to ask the first time around.?

?Believe me,? the guy on her bed said, rubbing his hands together with a devious glint to his red eyes. ?This time tomorrow you?ll be wined, dined and thoroughly grind? ed. Ground. I need to work on that one.?

?I don?t know,? Relena hesitated. ?It sounds manipulative to me. I told you I don?t want to trick him into anything.?

?Pssht,? the fairy said, waving off her fears. ?I won?t do anything to him. Promise. I?ll just make sure his blinders are off and he starts seeing you as a woman instead of a symbol he needs to protect.?

?He used to,? she said quietly. ?But somewhere along the way we fell into a routine and??

?Shhh,? the magical creature put a finger to his lips. ?No need to explain it. Happens all the time.?

Relena nodded, wondering why she was close to tears. He was reminding her how long it had been since she and Heero had shared one of their moments. Earlier today she had been desperate enough to ask him on a date and that hadn?t worked. How far was she willing to go now? ?Ok, I?ll do it. But if I don?t like what you?re doing, I?m calling it off.?

?Deal,? he presented his hand to her to shake. She eyed it suspiciously. Who knew what kind of binding power a simple handshake had to a fairy.

?Is there a catch? Like am I signing my soul away or something??

The fey shook his head. ?No trickery. I?m not going to pull a Rumplestilskin and demand your first child or anything,? he said sadly, pulling his hand away from her. ?But I understand your position. I should have known it would be complicated dealing with she who had been queen.?

?I?m sorry,? Relena said, feeling like a heel for doubting him, but also not still not willing to shake his hand if he were to try again.

?I?ll see you tomorrow. You should listen to your fairy godmother now dear and go to sleep.?

?Wait,? she called out as he did a dramatic flourish with his arms that she assumed came before his disappearing act.

?Yes??

?What?s your name? I feel like such a jerky godchild for not asking earlier,? Relena tried to smile apologetically.

?I?ll forgive you this time, dear,? he said matronly. ?It?s Matilda.?

?Matilda??? Relena asked slowly.

?Don?t ask,? he told her. ?My parents wanted a girl.?

She thought they may have gotten one, too. ?Ok then, I?ll see you tomorrow.? He nodded a response and disappeared.

She would, too. The fairy might think he had everything in control, but she would be watching him very carefully. She might not be able to contend with magic on its own, but she knew about the fairy?s aversion to iron, and she had his name.


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Relena woke up the next morning groggy and yearning for coffee. She rolled over in her bed, wondering how important it was for her to wake up immediately today. Most mornings she had meetings scheduled early and an exercise routine scheduled even earlier.
?Wake up,? a voice said from above her, a smile evident in the tone.

?Gah!? Relena bellowed, arm swatting in an arch as she turned in bed. Her fist connected solidly with a nose.

?Ny nowse!? He wailed. Rubbing a hand over it. The cartilage made a pleasant grinding noise as it magically popped back into place. Heero had taught her how to punch; he?d be so proud of his little prot?g?.

Relena stared up at the pink-haired Matilda above her. That wasn?t a sight she wanted to see first thing in the morning every again. ?Stop sneaking up on me.?

?Why? You wouldn?t be nearly as amusing otherwise.? His pointy ears were even more evident today. He had pulled his hair back and she could see the cross hanging from a chain in his left lobe and a heart in the other.

?I?m never amusing,? she replied sullenly, trying to roll back over to go to sleep.

?Nah uh. Wakey wakey,? he told her, snapping his fingers. Instantly, Relena found herself standing in the shower. The cold water poured over her body. She jumped back, huddling in the back of the stall as it assaulted her toes and lower leg. If the spray got any colder it would freeze solid.

?It?s cold!? She yelled, crossing her arms over her chest.

?Figured you needed it,? the fairy told her, that darn smile still in his tone of voice. ?You didn?t get to use your vibrat??

?Is this more of your gender confusion? I don?t need a cold shower!?

?We all need cold showers every now and then. Nothing to be ashamed of.?

She parted the shower curtain enough to shoot a glare at him. He was sitting on the sink counter, feet dangling as he snickered at her. She snapped the curtain shut and took a deep breath, preparing herself for diving under the water just long enough to adjust the heat. She didn?t have to. The fairy snapped his fingers again, turning the water to a perfect temperature. ?Thanks,? she muttered, wondering if he could see through the shower curtain. Surely, her fairy godmother wouldn?t enjoy watching her silhouette lather up too much, right?

?Not a problem,? Matilda told her. ?Now hurry up so you can call Heero.?

She figured he left after speaking, but she peeked out the side of the shower just to make sure. Since there were no outlandish guys lounging around her bathroom, she figured she was safe. She kept the shower short anyway, just in case her fairy godmother was a perv. She had just finished turning off the spray and opening the stall when the door to her bathroom burst open and Matilda rushed in carrying a ringing phone.

?It?s Heero,? he whispered urgently, as if the person on the other end could hear what he was saying despite the fact no one had answered yet.

?Why is he calling,? she replied frantically, reaching for and trying to juggle both her towel and the phone at the same time. ?Heero?? She said, pressing the on button to cell phone without checking the caller ID.

?Relena. You are running a few minutes late.? His familiar voice told her on the other end, practically demanding an explanation in a very Heeroic fashion.

?I just got out of the shower, ok?? She answered him defensively

?Just got out?? He demanded.

?Yes,? she told him with a slight grin.

?Good. Be down here in five.?

?Heero!? She practically squawked. ?It?ll take me longer than that to just brush my teeth and hair.?

?Fine. Ten.? He hung up.

The man was delusional. He obviously didn?t understand female grooming habits.

?You didn?t ask him to meet you for supper tonight.? The fairy pointed out, his arms crossed as if he were berating a young child.

?Maybe because you didn?t tell me I was asking him for SUPPER,? Relena argued, the patience she needed to get through the day already waning. ?I?ll do it later. Just let me get dressed.?

?Fine,? he said, leaving with another careening flourish of arms.

Relena checked the clock. According to Heero?s demands, she had about seven minutes to get ready. She took twenty-five.

She put the whole fairy/Heero debacle into the back of her mind until mid-afternoon. She had finished with all the meetings and conference calls she had to participate in during in the day. All she had left to do was type up a few dozen reports and read over and sign a few dozen more. The paperwork was the killer. She glanced at her itinerary, double-checking to make sure she was done. The words had changed. Instead of neatly typed notations scheduling her day, there was one large reminder. It read: CALL HEERO. She considered ignoring it. She had copious amounts of forms and paperwork to fill out, and that took priority over her love life any day. Which, upon reflection, could be part of the reason it sucked donkey butt.

?Hey Relena,? her secretary popped her head into the door. ?Good job on finishing everything up early. I?ve never seen you work so fast before.?

?I?m done?? Relena frowned. She was quick enough to get that her secretary was telling her she had no work left. She was also intelligently enough to understand it was Matilda?s work.

?Yep!? Relena?s secretary exclaimed, almost bubbly. Relena didn?t really blame her. That meant she could go home early for once.

?Ok then. Why don?t you go treat yourself to an early supper on the company tab and go home,? she suggested with a friendly smile on her face. ?I need to make a few calls.? Once her employee left, she muttered ?smooth move, Matilda.? She stared at the phone. She shouldn?t feel such trepidation. It was just Heero.

Yeah, right. Saying it was just Heero was like saying a stab wound was just a scratch, or that Death by Chocolate was just a dessert.

Her fingers inched towards the phone on her desk. Relena took a deep breath and stabbed at #2 on the speed-dial. Having him as #1 would just be kind of pathetic and telling. In her heart he was #1 though.

?Yes.? Heero barked into the phone. It was his traditional greeting. He had figured out it was safer to say something after he had received a phone call from Trowa and neither had said anything until one hung up.

?Hey, what?s up?? She greeted, wincing as soon as the words came out of her mouth.

?Nothing is up,? he said slowly, his brain processing her words as an informal hello. Then, he did something that shocked even her. ?Whuzzup with you??

Relena had to put her hand over the receiver of the phone to keep from giggling madly in his ear. That sounded completely wrong coming from Heero. ?Not much,? she replied. Neither of them said anything for a moment, stalling the conversation. ?Wanna have supper with me??

?I just updated your security yesterday. Surely there is nothing wrong,? he replied. One thing she had learned over the years was that he felt more pressure to be polite and answer if he couldn?t see her.

?No. Let?s just have supper together.? Relena suggested. The words ?ask him to your apt? flickered on the screen of her computer. ?Say my apartment at six??

?Do you want to go over the plans for your upcoming trip to earth??

?No.?

?Talk about the bodyguards I hired??

?No,? she replied again, not believing he still didn?t get it.

?Fire me??

?NO!? She yelled at him. ?Don?t tempt me!?

?I don?t understand,? he told her, completely serious.

?Just show up,? she growled into the phone, hanging up on him. The moment she heard the dial tone, she threw the phone down on her desk and quickly followed it with her head. This was never going to work.

?Great job,? Matilda told her, materializing in front of her office windows.

?Shuup,? she muttered, head still down on the desk.

?He?s bound to date you just because you demand it.?

That was actually a good idea. Knowing how Heero worked he would probably do anything if she ordered him to. Take the bullet for his cause, and all that. Unfortunately, she wasn?t the type of girl to do that. Well, either that or she wasn?t desperate enough yet. ?Shuup,? she mumbled again.

?Smooth, Casanova.?

?Eugh!? Geez. Her fairy godmother was acting more like an annoying older brother. She already had one of those.

?Come on,? he said, almost kindly now that he wasn?t ribbing her. ?You need to get ready for your date.?

?I still have two hours.? Relena pointed out, not wanting to remove herself from self-induced pity just yet.

?And it takes you 30 minutes to get home,? he pointed out, pulling his disappearing act once again.

?Wait!? Relena called out. This time he didn?t stop for her. Apparently he wasn?t going to magic her back to her apartment. She let her head fall back to the desk.

Forty minutes later she was unlocking the door to her apartment and bypassing all the security scans Heero had set up to allow her in. She was pretty sure that if she didn?t pass them, a laser would come out of the wall and beam her on sight. It was a chilling enough thought to make her take extra care as she pressed her palm onto the sensors. Once she was in, all she had left to do was cook supper, find something to wear, primp, and make sure the atmosphere was just right. The last thing she needed was for Heero to take one look at the set up and run away.

First, she?d call for take-out. Truthfully, she should be a perfect chef since she seemed to be the epitome of the female gender. Unfortunately, the only thing she could expertly cook was a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich, and while that was sure to impress her nephew, Heero had much more discriminate tastes. Probably. She barely made it into her kitchen before Matilda popped up in front of her wearing a bright orange apron and wielding a spatula.

?Gah!? Relena yelled, her arms coming up to protect her eyes from the sheer vibrancy of his clothing.

?Stop being a baby,? he told her, expertly twirling his spatula. ?You?re just lucky I?m going to cook for you.?

That was true. She left it at that and went to draw herself a bath. Half an hour later, she was toweling herself off and looking into her closet for something to wear. Jeans? Too casual. Business suit? Too business-y. He already thought this was about work anyway. Best not add fuel to his assumptions. Ball gown? Too inappropriate. Flouncing, cute summer dress? Perfect. She applied some subtle makeup and hurried out to the kitchen to see if the fairy needed any help. He didn?t.

?You aren?t wearing that,? he told her, slightly scandalized by her choice of clothing.

?What?s wrong with it?? She asked, smoothing down the front of her adorable dress. Besides the fact that it matched his hair with its pinkness, she thought it was perfect.

?Absolutely nothing,? he told her. ?That isn?t what I have the problem with.?

?Then what?? Relena asked, slightly confused. Was it the shoes?

?You?re wearing this,? he informed her, holding up a hanger. She had to squint to see what was hanging on it. Finally, she was able to spot a very red, very tiny, and almost sheer bustier and panty set. Well, at least he didn?t want her to wear a thong.

?Why?? She crossed her arms over her chest.

?Because your underwear is old and grody,? he told her candidly.

?It is not!? She defended her underwear, scandalized he would call her new order from Victoria?s Secret old and? grody. Whatever that meant.

?And because hopefully you?ll be out of it by the end of the evening,? he winked at her. ?You can wear the dress over it, of course.?

?Fine!? She exclaimed, hiding her slight embarrassment with a brusque attitude.

He just grinned as she went and changed. Relena reemerged from the bedroom, a blush still staining her cheeks. Good job she was a Politian; she?d never make it as a stripper.

?Food?s ready,? he told her in a rush. The clock behind him said she still had a minute or two before six. ?Just put it on plates when he comes.?

?I?m not completely hopeless,? she told him.

?Mmhmm,? he agreed like any good godmother would. ?I set the table. Sit so that you?re facing the kitchen so it looks like you actually cooked and need to keep an eye on everything.?

?Why is that important?? Relena asked, narrowing her blue eyes at the vague insult on her culinary skills.

?Because you want to make him think you?re a good candidate for marriage.?

?I don?t want to marry him!? Relena yelped.

?Of course you do.? Matilda informed her. ?Don?t deny that you?ve thought about it. Late at night. Vibrator in ha??

?That joke is getting old,? she cut him off.

?Naw,? he replied, disappearing without his usual brandish.

Knock.

It was exactly six. Heero was punctual as always.

?Hey,? she said as she opened the door for him.

He held out his laptop. ?Where shall I hook it up??

?Living room,? she muttered. ?Meet me in the dining room before you do anything.? Relena added, sounding business-like as a defense mechanism. That might be another reason her love life sucked ? she turned to work whenever she felt uncomfortable. Quickly, she sat down in the seat Matilda told her to sit in. Heero wandered in a minute later, looking over something on a hand-screen.

?Your?? he broke off, staring at her with his unemotional expression. The most telling thing about his reaction was the fact that he broke off mid-sentence and just looked at her.

?What?? She questioned.

?Are you wearing that?? He asked, eyebrow raised.

?Yeeees,? Relena replied slowly, looking down at her pink dress to make sure it was still there. She wouldn?t put it passed Matilda to magically remove her clothes.

Heero nodded, moving to sit across from her without glancing in her direction. What was his problem?

?I think we should talk about? are you staring at my chest?? She took a sip of the water already set on the table.

?No.? Heero told her, averting his eyes.

Oh, yes he was. ?Yes you were.?

?Hn.?

Something was definitely up. She wasn?t talking about him either, but she was starting to hope it was a possibility. ?Hold on, I?ll grab the food.? She hurried towards the kitchen, turning once to see if he was watching her. He wasn?t. She didn?t know whether to be disappointed or relieved.

?Matilda,? she hissed, grabbing an oven mitt and jerking the stove door open. ?Get over here now, you pixie.?

?Now that?s insulting,? he drawled, appearing on top of the fridge.

?Why is Heero looking at me like that?? She jerked the delicious smelling casserole out of the heat. It was the most house-wifey thing she had done all evening.

?Because he can?t see your dress,? the fairy replied casually. ?I made it invisible. Red?s your color, by the way.?

?What?? Relena squeaked. ?Matty!?

?Awww,? he said, mock wiping a tear from his eye. ?That?s the first time someone ever called me that. Maybe I wouldn?t be so screwed up if someone had called me that as a kid.?

She didn?t know whether to feel sorry for him or yell about her near nudity. ?That?s it. I?m calling this off.?

?Relena,? Heero called from the living room. Relena barely paused to consider how strange it was that he was saying her name.

?It?s too late.? Matilda told her.

?Why??

?Relena!? Heero called more urgently, actually saying her name quickly enough so the syllables all merged together.

?Because? 5? 4? 3? 2? 1??

A crash came from the other room. Glass shattered. A large object fell to the floor. Relena dropped the casserole and rushed out. Heero was lying on the floor, face up and eyes staring blankly at the ceiling.

?HEERO!? Relena screamed, flying beside him and frantically checking for a pulse. Her relief was only minimal when she found one. ?What did you do to him?? She demanded, turning to stare at her fairy godmother.

?Nothing,? the fairy tried to look innocent. It was easy for him, what with the pink hair and all. Unfortunately for him, he wasn?t able to hide the pleased glint in his blood-red eyes. ?I just slipped a little extra in his drink.?

?Why are you trying to kill him?? Relena sobbed.

?Shhh,? Matilda hushed. ?I?m not. This is something to bring you closer together.?

?How? How could this possibly??

?I slipped a date rape drug into his water.?

Relena was too shocked to have a response to that.

?A normal person would be out for up to a few hours. Of course, you?re always saying your man isn?t normal.?

?Why??

?I guestimate you have about fifteen minutes. Better hurry up.?

?What??

?Fine,? he sighed, ?I?ll get his pants.?

?I?M NOT RAPING HEERO!? She screamed.

?Calm down. He?ll never know.?

?Oh my God!?

?I don?t think I thought this through,? Matilda said, surveying Heero?s belt buckle.

?You think!? Relena gently hit her hand against Heero?s cheek, trying to wake him up.

?You?re no fun,? the fairy said, snapping his fingers. Instantly, two things happened. Heero woke up and her fairy godmother disappeared.

?Relena??

?Hmmm?? She asked, still kneeling beside him.

?Why am I on the floor?? He asked, shaking his head.

?I don?t know.? Relena lied to him. He probably wouldn?t appreciate the truth.

He grabbed her, rolling over so that her back was on the floor and he was braced over her. For a moment she thought he was trying to protect her from some invisible foe. ?Heero??

?Message received.? He told her, leaning closer. ?Now tell me. What is this thing you?re wearing?? He fingered the lace on the bustier top she was wearing. She hazily realized that her dress had disappeared.

?Not much.?

?I?ll say,? he whispered, closing the distance between them and kissing her roughly.

Matilda grinned from his vantage point by the door. Oh yeah, he had done it again. He was da man.

?RelenaFanel31/05/2006


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Hey everyone. Review and you get a metaphysical cookie. No, seriously. We all want metaphysical cookies, right? This story is dumbed down from my usual quality, mostly because I wrote it in a day in order to meet the deadline at the lj community cpc_novel However, I figured it was funny enough to post. I wasn't sure I wanted to post another GW story so soon after You, Robot? but here it is.

[Morrighan]

^^;;;;

Oh dear me.... Remind me NEVER to call for my fairy godmother. ^^;;;

Great job, RelenaFanel!

[samta22]

What a mess!!!!

Surely at the end it worked.

Good piece!!!!

[HiFreak]

OMG Matilda the male fairy, with a purple jumpsuit!
Relena's vibrator! Date rape drug! I LOVE THIS FIC!

It's hilarious. I like how all Heero can think about is security measures. And that bit about Heero and Trowa on the phone was priceless.

Amazingly (SP?) written! Love it. Keep it up.

[takisha16]

LOVELY ONESHOT!!!
This was sooo funny it had me laughing at the top of my lungs!
I can't believe Relena got duped in the fairy godmother section. He could have at
least coordinated his outfit! UGGG, PURPLE?!
jajaja
I loved the vibrator joke! It's true....it never gets old!
I almost fell out of my chair when I read the date rape bit....came out of nowhere...excellent addition to the story!
I never thought of making the dress invisible...great idea!!!
Now I realize Heero's initial reaction! jajaja
She really must not have been wearing much if she barely saw it in the hanger!
'Matilda' was a bit scary at first but in the end she definitely kept her promise!
Is she available for hire?
Awesome one-shot!

[amulak]

Matilda is just... psycho.... lol
Cute story, I especially liked it when Heero instantly tried to kill Matilda ^^

[Aeris_Eithne]

You are quickly becoming one of my favourite 1xR authors. I loved everything about this story, especially the Heero/Trowa phone conversation... clever! I read this at work and had to bite my lip to keep from laughing most of the time.

[lilac310]

hehe....hilarious!....was that a joke, though, when you said something about Relena using a vibrator?...well, it better be..I just can't picture her doing THAT!

lol...great story....Keep writing!

Cheers,
lilac

[The Angry Angel]

This was a RIOT!!!

There's not enough floor for me to roll around on laughing! Geez! The vibrator bit was killer~~absolute best pining-for-Heero scenario I've _ever_ read/remember reading!! Hysterical!
hahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Hats Off!!

[lilac310]

I read this at ff.net....funny!