APATHY

[lilac310]

APATHY
By Lilac310



One of the most resented yet coveted traits of human beings, in terms of its practicality, is apathy. In close observation, one can easily see that many people, mostly adults, have mastered this intricate artistry of indifference and wore the mask several times that it even seems as though the material had already been permanently embedded on their skins, seeping underneath, and eventually, instilling bitterness in their hearts. Meanwhile, children merely gaze in utter amazement and confusion as to the origin of this deceptive and at the same time, beguiling fa?ade. One can only wonder as to whether living a life in utter apathy is similar to that of tolerance. People are so good. No one can tell the difference.


I first consciously encountered apathy in one of its many forms at the age of thirteen when my mom and I were at Pizza Hut. It is the kind wherein one cannot help but feel impassive, almost emotionless, as if too tired to react in aggravating situations. There were not much people, with only about three or four including us and therefore, the line-up was more sporadic than contained in a single file. People bunched around on the sidelines talking to their friends, families, or lovers about what they would be ordering for the afternoon and since my mom and I were ready to place our orders, we took a couple of steps towards the front register as the cashier called us and asked how she could be of help. As we approached, an enormous lady of 350 lbs, I could only imagine, confronted us rather rudely that they were the first and insisted that we wait until they have decided what they wanted to order. Geometrically-speaking, they were standing on a position nearest to the cashier but a little further to the left whereas we were standing just about a feet away from them and directly in front the cashier?s view. Our order was just a couple of slices of pizza and I didn?t see the reason for her to act as if we were wasting her time, as she so arrogantly put it. It would?ve taken us probably only three minutes to place our orders had she not interjected and by then, they would?ve probably decided what they were going to get. Unlike her, we were not about to drown ourselves in gallons and gallons of saturated fats. So, she called my mom stupid in front of everyone and humiliated her in this heavily-accented English. I wanted to laugh at how uneducated she seemed but resentment overpowered the momentary feeling of amusement and had I been eighteen then as I am now, I would definitely teach her how to act more civilized. However, that was not what really bothered me, it was more the way my mom just took it and shrugged it off like it was nothing. She didn?t say anything as she allowed the woman to have her way. I remember just standing there, wondering to myself?why?


My life when I was younger, as most kids? experience would probably be, was that of blissful ignorance. It was not in a way that can be compared to lack of knowledge or stupidity but it was more of the pure kind of innocence, wherein I was sheltered from the harsh reality of war, poverty, or to keep it simple, just plain rude people. Growing up in a private Catholic school for girls run by nuns, I knew how to adhere to very strict rules, to be prim and proper by not wearing socks with any lace, ribbons, or colour other than the uniform, and by not wearing any kinds of accessories especially those cute tiny Hello Kitty watches that fit as a ring, and the list goes on. However, I was also wild, impulsive, spontaneous and a go-getter. Someone who is always willing to risk it all and just be whatever I want to be. I compromised yet I also knew how to retaliate when the need arose. It sounds like these things can be totaled up to the equivalent of immaturity. I somehow agree, but that is still a shady area and a topic that is too broad to discuss. However, I cannot help but feel as though I?m missing something now that I had when I was younger. I don?t know if it is just me, but somehow I miss the fire in my heart, the enthusiasm in my character, and the zest for life. I was passionate. I was having fun. I was tolerant.


Therefore, when I came across that particular incident and many others, I became more aware of what being apathetic means as it is applied in our daily lives. If I were my mother back then, I would have definitely answered back and insulted her in a sarcastic yet classy kind of way to intensify the pain even more. It would?ve been fun to bask in the atmosphere of righteousness and pretend that I?m not stooping down to her level. On the other hand, my mother did the contrary. At that time, whether she had been apathetic or tolerant, I still don?t know. These two different yet somehow similar traits thrive in the gray area. There?s no black or white. I can only guess.

That Pizza Hut confrontation was merely an eye-opener, it doesn?t account on its own for shaping my perspective on certain things and by no means do I blame her. After all, it was an isolated incident but significant for me, nonetheless. It was my decision to engage in this so-called experiment on apathy and its relation to adult behaviour. Five years ago, it was a simple question. It became a hypothesis as I observed. It seems that most adults respond to stimulus in two ways; the first being that of blatant display of rage and the most common and widely-used strategy is that of apathy. This is probably because of stress, fatigue, boredom of the redundancy of their life, etc, etc, etc. It?s funny how it seems almost chronic. They apply apathy at work, with people they know, and people they don?t know. Thus, it sometimes makes me wonder; why don?t most crimes ever get solved? Is it because of lack of evidence? Or lack of determination? It?s kind of like, ?Oops, I?m off now. I better just leave it as it is because I?m no longer paid for the time I?m going to work on it. Someone?s always doing the next shift? or in an office, for example; ?Bob got promoted instead of me, so why bother doing all this paperwork for him when it is his ass on the line anyways? or in my case as I work at Wendy?s, ???, complete with a poker face as a customer in a mad fit complains for all kinds of reasons. I get mad sometimes but mostly, I?m just too tired to even engage in so-called ?customer service? in an emotional level when all you get is a huge blob of excretion processed from the large intestine. That pretty much sums up how I react to people. There are still some variations, though. I still care. I would lie if I?d say the contrary but not as much as I used to. I just don?t see the point of arguing or having any reaction for that matter other than pain. At first, it was something I forced myself to do and now, it just comes naturally. Apathy is a part of life. My hypothesis earlier had been tested over and over again and thus far, hasn?t been proven wrong. It is now my own personal theory. Adults need to be apathetic in order to survive. One cannot afford to be emotional all the time. Be practical. Be realistic.


In the end, I am, by no means, generalizing or stating this as a fact; no one can. All we can come up with are theories and tons of them. Whatever it is, it transformed me, nonetheless. However, it makes me wonder, even now, whether I have merely misinterpreted things, maybe I was wrong in my assumption, and maybe it wasn?t like that at all. Maybe it was forgiveness, a selfless act of love or even simply practicing tolerance to another person?s fault. However, it seems a little bit late now, and sooner or later, the apathetic world will completely devour me and all that?s left of my innocence and youthfulness can be merely witnessed in old childhood photographs and memorabilia. I am now an adult and I am not having fun.

[Jackie]

That was very good. ^_^

I liked the way you phrased some of the sentences; it almost had a poetic tone in some parts. I also liked the way you wrote it; it flowed like a well arranged train of thought, never really veering off the subject yet taking time to explain every detail of what you meant. I do kind of wish that there were more paragraph breaks in that last long paragraph, tho; it somewhat abbrupted that tranquility, in my opinion.

I especially loved the last sentence; that was powerful.

Very sad, tho. I have to admit that I've been noticing the same thing whenever I'm in the car. I have to wonder, "Do I really appreciate living here? Everything that is afforded me by God and this country? Does anyone else know how lucky we are just to breathe or see or hear?"

I agree that most people are apathetic to most things in life; not everything, though. There are things that every person latches onto as their individual passion. Love, for instance. You can't be apathetic in love. And I don't think anyone is chained to a destined life of apathy.

Becoming an adult, (and I count myself still in the process even though I'm already 19), is a strange experience, and you start to realize things you never did before. However, I take it in the light of a new discovery, and in that, I'm not apathetic. ^_^

So... Break the cycle! Or something... I'm trying to be empowering here... I think I'm failing. ^^;

[lilac310]

::squeals:: Thanks so much for the constructive criticism or dare I say, admiration?....every author appreciates it when someone reads their work and actually gives some sort of a response.....so glad!!!...

...anyhow, I wrote this piece in one of those "depressed" moments of my life...I think in a way, people can't help but feel that they somehow need to shut down their emotions so as not to feel pain...I feel that way..even up to now...but hey I'm on a 12-step process to getting back into shape...hehe..I'm trying to be optimistic now...

...Thanks again...your encouragement definitely helped!..You've made my day!!!

[Jackie]

You're welcome! ^_^ I like the constructive reviews myself, so I usually shoot to hand them out, as well.

I've definately shut things out before. ^^ I really did like the depth of this piece, tho. It made me think.

And good luck with your 12-step program ^^