Author: Omnicat v''v
Rating: G (K)
Genre: General, Angst, Romance.
Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge: Gundam Wing in its entirety.
Warnings: None.
Pairings: Heero Yuy x Relena Peacecraft.
Soundtrack: None.
Disclaimer: They?re not mine, sadly...
Summary: One of the manifestations of love between Heero and Relena. Nobody can be strong forever, on their own...
Author?s Note: Ooh, looky, it?s getting longer! And it has Relena POV in it!
I?m not sure I?m entirely pleased with how the first part came out, though. But then again, it?s supposed to be a spontaneous thing, not a polished speach or an internal monologue that has been brewing in her head until she could recite it perfectly.... Hm.This one is inspired by a feeling I myself have, at times. By writing, I?m training myself to affect my readers in a certain way, to illicit certain emotions with the use of the right words. And as I feel I?m getting better at doing this in fiction, the sense that I?m cheating when I write to my online friends in real life, grows stronger. It just feels like an unfair disatvantage, you know? And, well, I imagined that someone like Relena would make a pretty big deal out of it.
The Love is... series which this fic is a part of currently consists of:
More Than This
Worry beyond Control
Taking Risks
A Sentinel
Stronger than Duty
In this order. So if you like this fic, do read those too.
<center>II--o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o--O--o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o--II
A Sentinel
II--o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o--O--o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o--II</center>
Click.
My throat is sore tonight. Too many meetings in one day, and then those... those tears I shouldn?t have let out. My voice is hoarse. I can hear it now, when I listen back on this tape later it?ll surely sound even worse. I should better write this down instead... But I don?t like those old-fashioned diaries. It doesn?t seem like me anymore when I read back what I?ve written. Even more so than... even worse than usual. Maybe I should do this some other time. Or not at all.
A pause.
No. I need this to happen now. Even if nobody gets to hear me, this is a confession I have to make. Father?s picture seems like an inappropriate audience this time. I?m too ashamed to face him.
A huff. It sounds disgusted.
Besides, my voice will only add to the emotional effect of the recording. Ugh... juck. I feel filthy. Low. Like I?m dragging myself through the mud day after day, and it cannot be washed off anymore. It has penetrated my pores, seeping into my skin after having coated it for so long. Politics are dirty. Sometimes my profession downright disgusts me. The people who make it so disgust me. The politicians, the economists, the military, the scientists, the criminals, the citizens. All of them are players in the same dirty game. But I am as well, and that is what disgusts me most of all. I know these things. I saw it from the first day I took up office as Sank?s representative during the wars. I saw how dirty it is, and still I?ve become a part of it all.
A shaky intake of breath.
Maybe I?m overreacting. Just... hypersensitivity, or something. Ha, the opposition would like that. A paranoid Vice Foreign Minister... Maybe it?s just a childhood sentiment getting to me. Father would talk for hours and hours about the goals he wished to achieve, about the ideals he aimed to uphold. But when his talks touched upon the how of his job, when the story came to what he had to do to achieve those goals, he would fall silent. He said I was too young to understand that part. When I entered the political scene myself, I thought I had come to understand the real reason behind his half-finished stories; he was surrounded by people with much less integrity than he. By keeping me partially in the dark, I think he tried to distil in me the sense that the ideal should always be the guide of the action. Initially, I thought that anyone who refused to help me end the war in what was clearly the right way, was lacking in integrity. That anyone who had to be sweet-talked in order to make their wishes inferior to the ultimate goal of peace, had to be shown the error of their ways. Thank goodness that phase didn?t last too long. It soon enough became clear what all the plotting and intriguing was for... To achieve whatever higher goal it is you are trying to achieve. It?s all a means to an end. But that?s just it!
Her voice becomes fierce here, almost desperately so.
I am Relena Darlian, born Relena Peacecraft. I?m... Relena. I?m not supposed to... I don?t want to... My family - both my families, have always strived to never let the means have to be justified by the end. I have always strived to uphold this ideal. End the war without having to resort to violence. Reach your own goal without using harmful means that would cause harm to the goals of others. It is the only truly right thing to do. But I... I?ve stopped doing the right thing.
A sound in-between a cough and a sob.
These days, I sometimes almost feel like this lowering of the standards... this making the wrong concessions... this giving in to the foibles of others to achieve your goals more easily - that even corruption is the inevitable fate of every politician. I sicken myself, these days. Just yesterday, I caught myself contemplating whether or not it would be worth it to lower the wages of the dome workers in the Mars Terraforming Project, in order to lower production costs and subsequently persuade the glass suppliers to come back. And last month - last month I outright hypnotized one of the colony representatives from the L2 cluster. That man is a player, always eyeing the ?ladies?. So I went out for a business dinner with him, wore my shortest skirt and I flirted and sucked up to him until he agreed to take back up responsibility for the industrial transport between his colony and Earth. I had him wrapped around my finger so tight he tried to kiss me when we were saying our goodbyes. I seduced a man, by all means a complete stranger, to get my way!
A new pause, filled with laboured breathing.
I don?t know how it happened... when I started to become so manipulative... I?ve always hated such behaviour, but lately... I don?t know... It almost feels like I?m losing grip on... on myself. My moral consciousness. The better I can control the thoughts and actions of others, the trickier it seems to control myself. Oh, I know that my ?victims? are used to it, and I?m sure they?re on their guard. But it seems like they don?t even notice what I do. This must sound highly arrogant, but it?s almost as if they?re simply no match for me. This development... it frightens me. The incident with that playboy from L2 hit much too close to home. What if one day I end up doing... doing something like that to Heero? I could never forgive myself if that were to happen. Heero?s been manipulated and used so often in his life... I want to be better for him. I don?t want to end up being one of them. Heero loves me. He trusts me. I?m so afraid that one day, I won?t be able to restrain myself any longer, and turn on Heero while he doesn?t see it coming.
Definitively a sob, this time.
I love him so much, but what if I end up abusing him like all those others before? He cares about me too much. You shouldn?t love me so, Heero, so blindly. I am a treacherous snake, I don?t deserve such love...
Silence.
The tape switches off as I turn around. Relena stands in the doorway, expression guarded, warily clutching the doorpost, as if it is a shield she can hide behind.
?I assume you purposely left this here for me to find??
She nods, her eyes sliding closed. She looks tired, worn. Almost like she?s ready to give up. That face, a mask of fabricated emotion? The thought is almost amusing in all the distress it seems to cause her. Except that her distress is never a laughing matter.
No.
If Relena were me, if she had ever been forced to sink as low as I have, it might have seemed plausible. But she is unblemished by the filth of mankind?s weaknesses. The purity of her intentions and the power of her will shine so bright, nothing can ever taint her.
?Being skilled at reading and subsequently ?writing? people does not equal being manipulative, Relena.?
She expected that answer, didn?t she? ?Skill and knowledge are power. Power corrupts.?
Why does she sound so plagued?
?Not when you are stronger than the temptation.? I remind her. She seems to have forgotten, but how is that possible? Where has her self-confidence gone?
?No-one can be strong forever, Heero.?
The fatigue is real. I can tell as she steps towards me with uncharacteristic uncertainty. I need to put her mind at ease, so she can get some rest. Tomorrow?s meeting can be rescheduled, as do the rest of this week?s appointments, should it be necessary.
?Relena,? I tilt her face up to mine as gently as I can. She looks so frighteningly frail right now. ?Think about what you?re saying. Your fear is irrational. You?re aware of the state of affairs and what it can lead to. That means you are also capable of preventing things from turning out as you fear.?
?But what if I forget, Heero? Who says that I won?t someday get so caught up in the game that I lose sight of all I hold dear now??
?You won?t.? I cup her face in my hands and look deep into her eyes.
I believe in you. You showed me how to believe again. How can you not have the same faith you gave me? I hate seeing you so insecure, so scared. Of yourself. You are so kind and beautiful, it chills my heart to know you doubt that. You?re... scaring me.
?You are strong, and in your heart you always know what?s right. That will never change. I trust you, Relena.?
You are not the only one who can manipulate people. I know you love me so much that my trust, the mere thought of disappointing me, is like a rock to hold onto when the tide is strong, a counterweight to the temptations of your power.
But you shake your head, tears brimming your eyes. ?I thought of that too. The thought is tempting, but it would seem so foolishly arrogant. It?s not enough. I?m so sorry Heero, but your trust is not enough. There?s just too much at stake. I can?t risk ending up like Treize, sacrificing without remorse, shattering countless innocent lives to prove a point or satisfy my own fancies.? A sob wells up from your chest, and you bury your head in my shoulder.
I can feel the shock in my elbows and the tips of my fingers. My hands come to rest on the back of our head and around your waist almost on their own accord, pulling you close to me as you clutch at my shirt.
?I don?t want to end up using and manipulating you. You deserve so much more than that.?
Is it possible to be too good? To collapse under the weight of your own kindness? It?s hard, so very hard to imagine. This is you, Relena. Your kindness is what makes you strong. You?re the strongest person I?ve ever met.
But maybe I just don?t want to admit that even the strongest person can be insecure. That nobody can keep on going and keep on giving without any support. You?ve shown me that before, in myself, but... I don?t care about myself. Ridiculous thought.
I care about you. You?re nothing like me, you are so much more -
No.
I should be ashamed of myself. Trying to pretend you are perfect, just because I know I am not. Denying your needs to suppress my fears. How could I have been so blind, so weak, so selfish?
Did I do this to you? Is it because of me you feel lost and intimidated? I pushed you away, told you you didn?t need me to be strong so often, while it was clear I did need you. Was I wrong from the start? Or did I fail to see how we?ve both changed, how we?ve grown, together?
What a complete and utter fool I?ve been.
You are no longer a girl looking for guidance or inspiration. You are one of the few wise enough to realise when you need to be reigned in, in order to function. Like the rosebushes in your garden need to be trimmed in order to bloom.
I hold you at an arm?s length, a new resolution in my eyes I?m sure you?ll recognize. You helped me find it, after all. ?You can?t lie to me, Relena. If you ever stray from the right path, I?ll pull you back.?
?And if I resist??
Don?t look at me like that, Relena. Please, not again. I?m here, right by your side, and I won?t ever abandon you again. Certainly not when you need me.
?I?ll only kill you if there?s no other way.?
?But you promise?? you persist.
?I?ll find another way.?
?Heero, please,? you beg with a cracking voice, clinging to me. ?Promise.?
Stop it. Relena... I?d do anything to keep you from having to do this, from feeling like this.
?I promise.? But even if I should be forced to fight you, I will not abandon you. I tighten my arms around you.
?Thank you, Heero,? you say softly, looking up at me. Your usual tranquillity returns, shimmering through the tears. ?For giving this to me.?
Don?t thank me. I should have realised sooner that having to take was what you feared. I should be the one thanking you, for never giving up on accepting and helping me.
?It would be unfair if all I ever did was receive, without giving anything in return.?
You close your smiling eyes and rest your head on my shoulder, clinging to me even more fiercely.
uh, yea....Sotsu & Bandai/owners of Gundam Wing will sue our butts off... nevermind.... 