Cold 1xR PG-13 to R.

[War Dove]

One of my new favorite songs, which I've been listening to for quite a while. Cold (but I'm still here) by Evans Blue. I'm not so into songfics like I once was, but this song I guess inspired me, so I decided to go with it.

I've not written anything new for quite some time, so I'm apprehensive about how this sounds or even if it makes any sense-then again I'm never sure anything I write is any good.

Okay this is a 1xR but it revolves around an OCxR relationship. This for the most part is a one shot, but there's another song I like that if I get a chance I might add on to it, since well, some might consider this a bittersweet or tragic ending (the song itself has a hard, dark edge to it) and I like my stuff to end on a happier note.

And because I'm so nervous about this I'm only posting it on BI for the time being to see what those who actually read it think about it.

GW and its characters aren't mine and by now anyone who reads GW fanficiton knows who they really belong too.

Here goes nothing...hope it doesn't sound too cheesy. *crosses fingers*

?Relena??

?Heero??

Our greetings to each other, so familiar, so second nature, do we ever even have to think before we speak them? Thinking, contemplating, analyzing?things that were once accustomed to me now seem quite foreign whenever it comes to you. My logic fades, my stoic walls crack and this man you see before you, the one who was once nothing more than an emotionless void dies, sacrificing himself to the one who owns his life, a thief of hearts. I?m a willing sucker, living in your society, living by your laws, a member of this new world, one that you lord over and the one I have sworn to protect. I am nothing more than a dog at the end of his mistress?s leash, begging you to take me further down the path of your dream.

To the outside world there is peace, you are happily married, the model politician, the model wife, but between us there has always been a bit of unrest, just like now, as I stand before you, reaching out to you with my right hand. A hand which at one time only knew the feel of cold steel, now knows the softness of you warm silken skin as its fingertips glide down your neck, pulling you closer to me. My touch, my kiss, my passion for you, surely my love, can you not feel it?

Though you do not move away from me, I can feel you stiffen, as if a part of you is trying to hide, resist your weakness that is me, though just like me, you know at times like these fighting is useless so we must give in, and as we surrender, your body shivering with chills of lust, I only know that you want me as much as I want you. Release your guilt of this crime we commit, release your anger for me, for your husband?release yourself to us.

hello, I'm your martyr, will you be my gangster
can you feel my trigger hand, moving further down your neck
when you hide, hide inside that body
but just remember that when I touch you
the more you shake, the more you give away

The following morning we act as if nothing has happened. We go about our daily lives, you with your meetings and business lunches, mine being wrapped up in the details of your security, watching out for you?watching you?wanting you. People don?t seem to understand why an anti-social loner like myself is still around, sometimes I wonder, though I know the answer, blinded by love, as clich? as it sounds, that is the reason, illogical yes, but it is an emotion I must follow. It does, though, make things awkward, like now, my hand barely touches the small of your back as it guides you into your limo, when all it wants to do is tug you to me, as it did last night, throw you down and fuck you senseless, yet it, I, refrain; the part of my cold, callous nature that may never die.

I know full well you resent that part of me at times and so you come back with your own cool attitude toward me, just like now scooted to the far side of the limo, legs crossed business-like, nose in the air, eyes gazing out the window instead of at me. In a way it seems like a contest, which one of us will break first, but I never lose, my love, but then again, neither do you.

Maybe things would be different if I felt you could truly be just for me, but I know that slimy bastard of a husband will not give you up, not anytime soon, so this distance I put between us is for the better, so yes, continue to snub me, rebuff me, continue our ruse and fool everyone. Make it appear we have never crossed the line between employer and employee.

cold, but I'm still here, blind, ?cause I'm so blind, say never
we're far from comfortable this time
cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
we?re far from obvious this time

It is early morning when I feel you stir beside me, but before you rise I grab you and curl in you in my arms, and in my daze of half-slumber I murmur in your ear to stay for just another minute, the night has been too short?damn it, why did we have to get in so late last night?

Hubby dear has been away on business, no doubt having fun with some cheap tramp-I?m head of security?I know all of his secrets?and yours-another way to justify our affair, for me to loathe him even more and think of how unworthy he is of you.

You remind me in two hours we must meet him at the airport-I frown and think about his plane crashing.

It seems time is our greatest enemy right now, it?s stranglehold upon us getting so tight we can hardly breath-two hands I?d love to break. You know it as well, its suffocating malice killing us slowly as you pull away from my kiss, our eyes catching, my gaze upon you soft, a silent promise that it will not always be like this.

You allow yourself to believe and you give me another kiss before you slide from the bed to wrap yourself in your robe and go into the bathroom. It?s your turn to reject me is it Relena? My false reassurances meaning less and less, but your eyes smiling warmly at me before you close the door tell me part of you still trusts?still believes in me.

I am fully awake now as I slam by head back down on the pillow, cursing time for taking you from me, when my whole being wishes that you could stay. By my side is where you belong, where I need you to be. Someday?someday?but God when will that day be?

wait, another minute here, time will kill us after all
now can you feel its second hand wrapped around your neck
so fall into my eyes and fall into my lies
but don?t you forget
the more you turn away, the more I want you to stay

I get ready shortly after you and soon we are out the door moving along at a steady pace?business as usual. I am perfectly in sync with your movements, looking ahead of you instead of at you, blinded by my own lies, my own excuses for my actions. It doesn?t make the comfort level between us any less tense, yes, the chill in the air is quite numbing, though it does serve a purpose.

Our affair must be kept secret, for him to know, the world to know could only be disastrous for you and your career. The world would over look his infidelities, after all, he?s just a man, but you not only are a woman, but you are a princess, a savior, above all things tainted and vile- too bad this doesn?t mean your significant other.

Then again am I any better than he? I play with your emotions in the name of love, protection, concern, but in reality I only add to your stress and confusion-you must curse the day I returned, hell even I do at times. How could I ever have thought to put you into such a compromising situation? I?m such a selfish bastard, jealous, possessive and cruel.
Part of me prays one day that you will say good-bye to such callous assholes.

Divorce would be more complicated and damaging, but with only us privy to our secret it would be so much easier for you to leave me. You would never have doubts, or be plagued with questions. The tabloids will not scandalize your name, the world will simply not notice for it will be just another diplomat dismissing their head of security.

cold, but I'm still here, blind, ?cause I'm so blind, say never
we're far from comfortable this time
cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
we?re far from obvious this time

How is it you endure me and him?love us? By your spirit alone, your spirit has always amazed me more than anything. Strong, intelligent, kind, accepting of others faults and views though they may contrary your own?but stand your ground you will, never backing down from what you know is right..

I think of this as I stand to the side of you just a few feet away, making my presence known to those in the audience. A black suit, sunglasses, what they call my trademark scowl, an intimidating figure if I do say so myself. Still, as I am aware of everything around you, I am most definitely aware of you, my thoughts settling on your physical beauty. Your poised form, the grace of your slender wrists and fingers as you gesture your points, your hair, though tied back still moves as you tilt your head or look to the side, proof of your regal bearing.

Such a combination is pure radiance.

Then there is me, a person who never seems to fit into the social norm. Though neat, I care little for my looks, but I know people consider me a ?hot dish??whatever the hell that means. Unlike a normal suitor I have never wined or dined you, never brought you flowers, whoever has the time for such trivial displays of affections. I show you by my actions, my words, when you lay beneath me writhing in pleasure screaming for more, I think you appreciate my differences. Then there is the pettiness in this world, keeping up with the Jones?s, greedy fat bastards willing to do anything to get ahead?it sickens me the hate I see and such meaningless hate I will have no part of.

So much the same, yet so different?how did we find each other? If I believed in fate I would say it was ironic.

Your speech nears its end and the inflection in your voice becomes more passionate, you are so into the audience and then he steps up beside you with his GQ style and movie star looks. He waves to those applauding as he curls an arm around you giving you a kiss, playing the part of the loving and supporting husband. Such the perfect couple?are you even thinking of me, Relena?

I can no longer stomach this deception, he doesn?t deserve you?no one deserves you. Controlled by my sheer instincts alone I find myself raising my fire arm and taking aim.


you?re so endearing, you?re so beautiful,
well I don?t look like they do, and I don?t love like they do
but I don?t hate like they do
am I ever on your mind?


Before, I took you and your feelings for granted, thinking you so exclusive to me that when I came back you would just be there for me. Hell, at the time I was sure I didn?t even need you, or feel much of anything for you-the loner, the outcast, the one who needed no one.

Then the day came when I read of your sudden marriage to some man I never even knew. It had to be for political reasons, at least that?s what I had told myself, and you the day I showed up on your doorstep after three years. You were angry with me, which didn?t surprise me, but when you claimed that you loved this person and wished to spend the rest of your life with him I couldn?t accept it?I wouldn?t.

So I joined the Preventers, and despite your initial protest I worked my way into your security detail, eventually moving up to being the head of security for you and your husband. Yea, I?ve played him well, he suspects nothing, me and you, are just old friends, after all.

cold, but I'm still here, blind, ?cause I'm so blind, say never
we're far from comfortable this time
cold, now we're so cold, mine, and you're not mine, say never
we?re far from obvious this time

I do not even resist as I am thrown to the ground, all I can do is think of you, look at you as you are crying, holding the dying body of your husband in your arms. Our eyes catch and you ask me why.

How can I tell you it is because you had broken me...took away all that I once was?once knew. You broke my spirit?my resolve, long before we became lovers?when we were young and I watched you change the world.

I?ve no idea why I am smiling, perhaps because the bane of my existence is dead now, he no longer is in our way-there should be nothing in our way. Damn my pride, damn my fears, so I speak to you my heart and tell you what any normal man would tell the woman that defines his very existence.

Let the world know the truth.

?I love you.?

COLD, you broke me from the very first night
I'd love you ?til the day that I die
I'm far too comfortable this time
COLD, I loved you from the very first night
you broke me ?til the day that I die
I'm far too obvious this time

TBC?

[Lady Saffir]

*sigh* Poor Heero. I don't blame him for snapping, that would be a very hard thing to endure.

Dove, I think you owe us a good smutty lemon to erase the sad ending. yeah, I think that would do the trick.... ^_~

LS

[Morrighan]

Wow... That's so scary...

[samta22]

Well there's real life as cruel as it is, we aren't masters of the game just little pieces that moved around the table, like dominoes, we can't know how it is going to end until we drop the first piece, and then it is almost imposible to stop them...

I like it, but as Lady Saffir said:

I think you owe us a good smutty lemon to erase the sad ending. yeah, I think that would do the trick.... ^_~

[Aeris_Eithne]

This was beautiful and heart-breaking... my favourite kind of story. What's life without a little angst-filled longing? Maybe I'm twisted, but I loved this story. It's so hard to find a well-written fic from Heero's perspective... Few people are daring enough to write him in the first-person, and you nailed it. Way to go!

I wouldn't mind reading a nice, smutty lemon after this, either. If you do continue this story, is a happy ending remotely possible? Perhaps Heero could claim temporary insanity in court and get out of a life sentence. Or, you could make the husband live but send him far, far away for the best treatment... Oooh, that would be rather cruel to him, wouldn't it? It beats being dead, though... Ah, well. Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure the results will be brilliant.

[lilac310]

I frown and think about his plane crashing.

Now that seems a good idea....I love this story....I never imagined for Heero to shoot the husband...afterall, he is usually portrayed as a martyr - the one with discipline and self-control but it kinda amazes of how this response of Heero (shooting the husband) seems to fit his personality more than if he would just let it be and walk away....He sure did "follow his emotions"...

Anyways, I'd love to know what Relena is actually feeling about all of this..So far, we've only heard from Heero...Did she actually love the husband? ..hope not..lol

And one more thing, that guy better die or else Heero's effort would be in vain.

Cheers!

[takisha16]

WOAH....
Yay he shot him!!!!!!!
Sorry, I really hate those 'GQ style and movie star looks'!
I hate Relena for not waiting for Heero, although 3 years is pretty damn long!
I still can't believe he shot her husband!
Way to eliminate the competition!
I can't believe Relena had the guts to ask him 'why' he killed him?
Du-h...she played him for a fool.
I wish she did not have that politician position and could have divorced that SOB!
Lovely songfic!

[darky]

Beautiful song, beautiful story. It is well-written, heartbreaking, it has the unexpected element, and you can feel how the characters feel. You can feel the passion, the angst, the unfairness of having to be apart, but most important, the love. It was just beautiful, and although most people would prefer a "happy ending", I think it was just perfect.
It is very hard to mantain Heero in character, and even though he is madly in love in this story, he is kept in character. I congratulate you! I like your lemon stories a lot, but I think this is your best story ever. B-E-A-utiful.

Darky.

Reencarnation is no excuse for procastination

[Queen Scorpio]

Beautiful song, beautiful story. It is well-written, heartbreaking, it has the unexpected element, and you can feel how the characters feel. You can feel the passion, the angst, the unfairness of having to be apart, but most important, the love. It was just beautiful, and although most people would prefer a "happy ending", I think it was just perfect.
It is very hard to mantain Heero in character, and even though he is madly in love in this story, he is kept in character. I congratulate you! I like your lemon stories a lot, but I think this is your best story ever. B-E-A-utiful.

Darky.

Reencarnation is no excuse for procastination

It was just beautiful, and although most people would prefer a "happy ending", I think it was just perfect.

I agree. Life doesn't always have a happy ending. Very good job on Heero and for making it realistic!