Heero Yuy VS. Master Chief (Halo)
Posted: Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:09 pm
VERSUS
Heero Yuy versus Master Chief, from the X-Box smash hit Halo: Combat Evolved! Who will win? Only an unexpected twist will tell...
Heero looked up into the sky... he smelled something... titanium and - to his great dismay - burning plasma.
BOOM. Something landed just twenty meters away from him, with powerful force. And he knew the man.
John-117... Master Chief.
"I thought I saw the last of you back in 'Nam," Heero said, grimly.
"When you shoved that grenade in my helmet's visor?" The SPARTAN-II answered. "Nah, I ate the damned thing... it gave me diarrhea for a month straight, but at least I survived. You, on the other hand, won't have the same good fortune. I'm going to kick your ass for making mine burn for so long."
Heero laughed. "You're dead," he said, as he pointed over his shoulder to Wing Zero. "I picked up a new toy." He then turned, sprinted, and jumped from the ground straight up into the cockpit.
His hands flew over the controls as he powered up. He snapped the external cameras on... and the Master Chief's face took up two full screens. Heero screamed in fear.
The genetically engineered supersoldier plunged an armored guantlet full speed into the cockpit of the Gundam, and Heero noticed that the fist's armor ripped off slightly. He leaned forward and bit the SPARTAN-II's finger.
"AHHH!" The Master Chief screamed, as he fell off the front of the Gundam. He drew a plasma grenade, a sticky adhesived bomb, and stuck it to the Gundam's foot as it took off.
BOOM. The grenade exploded... and nothing happened.
"I hate Bungie Studios and Microsoft for not coding the vehicles to explode..." The Master Chief mumbled at the ineffectiveness of his grenade.
Heero called out over his radio. "Hah! At least my creators thought me out completely!." Wing Zero drew a beam rifle and aimed it right at the Chief as it powered up.
"NO!" The Chief screamed. "Cortana, can you help me do that thing that I did in the Halo novel, 'Fall of Reach?' You know, where I flung the bomb back at the jet?"
His artificial-intelligence companion spoke softly in his ear. "Sure thing Chief, let me take control of your suit."
"Alright..." He lost control of his hand, and it swiftly nailed him in the crotch, denting the metal of his suit inward in a very painful and awkward situation. He screamed.
She laughed heartily. "That's for not defragmenting my hard drive when I asked for it... and now I'll block your sissy 'laser beam'."
The Chief's voice was suddenly high-pitched. "OKAY JUST DO IT ALRIGHTY!?"
Heero laughed at this as he targetted his armored ground-borne opponent. "You can't deflect a beam of concentrated light, you idiot! Now DIE!"
Heero fired his beam cannon, and Zero bucked, recoiled. The bolt of light swung from his rifle, arched, and connected with the Master Chief... only to be launched back at him. Heero screamed as the laser impacted his Gundam. The mecha spat an explosion and quickly descended to the ground, like a fallen angel.
______________________
As Heero crawled out of the wreckage, he noticed that the Master Chief was nowhere to be found... yet. He drew his pistol, glanced around, and saw nothing. He thought he was safe. He turned back to Zero, apologized, and then walked from the wreckage.
"MASTER CHIEF!" he called. "WHERE ARE YOU!?"
"Over here," called a very high-pitched voice, from under some junk from the blast. Heero approached the pile and lifted the rubble from the man, who was writhing in pain.
"Well," Heero proclaimed. "It seems that I have bested you." He raised a handgun to the man in the green full-body armor laying in front of him.
"No... Cortana did..."
"Wha? Who the hell is Cortana?"
"My AI... she made me nail my own crotch... help me, I need a doctor."
A voice played over the speakers of the suit. "Shut up, you prick!" The Chief's fist raised, and he suddenly clubbed himself in the nuts again.
He then stood, off-balance... and Heero unloaded an entire clip into the Master Chief. The rounds bounced off the suit's energy shield. Heero reloaded and unloaded another ten rounds into the suit. No dice. He repeated. Same thing happened.
"Chief," he began. "What skill level you playing at?"
"Very Easy mode..."
Heero glared at him. "You're a sissy wimp. Cortana, I'll defragment your hard drive if you kill him."
A beep of satisfaction came out of the suit's audio speaker, and Cortana spoke: "Oh boy! Yeah, I'll do it!"
The Chief's fist raised once more. He screamed. "Huh? Wait... NO! STO-"
Bam. Right in the crotch. The crotchplate shattered and cracked, and the Chief screamed again in pain.
Heero again laughed. "Cortana, just tell me when you're done and I'll do the defrag."
"Will do!" SLAM. SLAM. SLAM. The chief screamed and begged for his life, and he was left alone in the middle of a rubble-littered field, seemingly nailing himself in the crotch again and again and again...
The End.
