b r o k e n
Posted: Tue Dec 17, 2002 12:51 pm
b r o k e n
-shev
***
Five am.
The hum of the engine roared quietly as the frosty air sang along outside the thin window. The sun was just rising, casting a gray glow through the snowy clouds. Tall evergreens stood erect, like gods against the moving sky. Although the heater was on, the bite of winter still ate my bare cheeks.
I glanced over to see his side profile. He had one arm against the truck door holding up his head with the other casual steering the wheel on the straight, narrow mountain road. He must have felt my stare because at that moment he glanced over, not smiling or asking.
Just knowing.
If anything, that would be enough right there.
I sighed though, remembering why we were there with only a backpack with a few items for both of us. A toothbrush, which we would have to share, and a camera. Running away. As silly as it sounds, a married couple running away, however, for just this moment, maybe we could still time.
Just for one day.
The pain ate, but I ate right back. I held my hands close to my chest as if that would compress the pain but instead it only increased. I scooted closer to Heero, to which he put his arm around my shoulders. I rested my head against his relax frame and let his spicy scent mixed with morning air and evergreens rock me to sleep, with the engine of the truck singing me a melody.
And at the moment, time stilled and I dreamed of what was. And what might be.
If you were to ask me I would tell you what I tell everyone, I am happily married to the greatest man on earth and we?re living happily ever after.
And if you were smart enough, you?d see the lie. Not that I lie often mind you. But I?m in that lovely state that I like to call denial. And denial my dear friend, is a beautiful thing. Beautiful that is until its makeup is wiped off and you see the pain that?s already there.
That?s how it is with Heero and I.
Love, beauty, trust and freedom.
I pray those daily as my mantra, dogma, whatever you will, yet, nothing could save the coldness that had settled over our home. Our life. Mind you, life is life, you get what you get, but I believe you make what you have.
It wasn?t a surprise, but instead, a knife. A deep knife that cut and cut hard. It started not so long ago. It was a Sunday morning, the stars still out. I was sitting on our back porch watching the sunrise. Alone. Cold. Ignoring the tears that almost seemed frozen on my cheek. He was only a couple of feet from my side, facing the same direction, with the same pain and coldness that I felt rape my body.
?I?m sorry.? He whispered. I didn?t say anything. I waited for the splotches of clouds to move, the wind to budge, but more than anything, I prayed for rain. Anything to wash away this moment. ?I. God, Relena, I?m so sorry.? It was so hard to see him with out his stoic attitude. His monotone melody that some would consider a voice.
I nodded slowly, unsure of myself. I pulled my knees closer to my chest and glanced his way. I tried to smile for him. For me. For whatever the cause of my pain. I strained my voice to be light and prayed that he wouldn?t notice. ?I understand Heero.? His eyes caught mine and I could see my reflection. ?I understand I wasn?t good enough.?
I couldn?t help it but break up into more tears. Heero didn?t fight his own and closed the distance between us. Hugging me close and sobbing against my hair I grabbed his shoulders tight making a fist. ?I?m sorry Heero, I tried, and I wasn?t good enough.?
He was generally so cold, so intense yet, his broken state of mind brought me to my knees and I could only wonder what I did to defy the stars.
He kissed my forehead and I could see the frost of his voice stretch into the air.
?Relena,?
I pulled back, watched his eyes cast downwards and back up again to reach mine. I saw everything. Weakness. Tired. Raw. So raw.
?People know,? I said. Or I thought I said. The voice seemed so distant, so dead and empty.
?They will.? Heero kept my hand between his own two palms.
?Then there is only one thing to do.? I started to stand, pulling him with me. ?We should go right now, up to the mountains. People will talk, and it will be easier if we?re not around for it. I?ll go get our clothes, you start the truck.? I started to wipe my eyes when I caught Heero?s shoulders tense up.
Not to mention his face went white. ?You would-??
I pulled back, taking my hand out of his. I fought the lump in my throat. ?I gave you my vows at the alter. I?m not going to give that up. Please, just go start the truck. Don?t make this any harder.?
?Relena, no. This is my problem.?
?Your problem?? I snapped. I wasn?t to scream, kick, go out on a rage. How in the hell could he still believe this was just his problem? ?I?m your wife, I?m the one who got hurt. Do you actually believe I have nothing to do with this??
His eyes almost seemed to break. ?Relena,? he took a deep breath, ?What about your work??
?Heero, I?ll leave my job, my home, my friends, everything for you. I?ll go for you. I choose you, alright? Just go, start the truck. Give me five minutes to pack what I can.?
Heero nodded. He seemed so hurt, and I could only wonder where that hurt came from. I turned on my heel and made my way to the back door when his voice made me stop.
?Thank you.? The words were so soft, his voice was so small. I didn?t turn. I didn?t say anything. I only cursed the tears that made their way up and pictured the image of him and her, together, raw skin against raw skin and the look in his eyes.
I closed my eyes and again, prayed for the rain to come.
The sound of the truck pulling to stop had me opening my eyes. I felt the seatbelt holding me down, melting me back into realization. I took in the surroundings and took a breath, ignoring the quivering of my lips and the shudder throughout my chest. I would be strong, hey, I?m blonde. Right? There has to be some power within that?
I frowned at myself. My attempt at humor was so hopeless at times.
?Let?s go inside.?
Did his voice have to be so calm?
I wanted to snap at him. Curse him. Beat the bloody daylights out of his head but I couldn?t only mutely nod at him and slide out of the seat with my backpack clutched between my arms and my chest. The tiny cabin was covered from head to toe in thick snow. I almost wondered if it was suppose to be warmer inside.
As hard as it was, I let Heero take my hand, pulling me close and lead the way inside. The smell was almost a mixture of fresh cut wood with dust and vanilla. The room was simple.
Wufie had bought this cabin years ago to leave town and meditate, but ever since he joined the Preventers he didn?t have the time or will and sold it us for free, as long as I made him dinner.
Heero took our bag and dropped it by his feet. His eyes darkened, yet, at the same time I couldn?t believe at how sorry and hurt they really were. I realized I rather see him straight, angry and short instead of broken and pained.
I had never seen him cry before.
I watched him as he tried to make the room look cozier by remaking the bed. He was a simple man, really. Blue jeans, white shirt, jean coat with white fur in the inside. He looked like he belonged in the mountain cabin. Small snowflakes in his hair, a mutual face, heavy breath, spicy scent.
His eyes caught mine, folding me out of my observations. ?I?ll take the floor tonight, if you don?t want me to-?
I smiled slowly, painfully. ?You?re my husband, why wouldn?t I want you in my bed??
He watched me curiously as I made my way to the window, watching the light fall of white drops of pearls. ?Relena, I think,? I knew what he was going to say. I took a deep breath, cursing how it made me look so unravel. I heard his words before he said them but listened anyhow. ?I think it?s time we talk and I explain.?
Although his words gave me a push of anger, I ignored it and turned around. ?Alright. Let?s talk.?
?That?s how I met her.?
?Through work you mean.?
He nodded. We were laying on the bed, facing each other on our sides, each with a mug of over brewed coffee. Mine was cold, provoking a sour face each time I took a sip. The day had long left us, leaving us in the tiny room with a dim lamp and easy breeze caressing sweet moans through the door.
?Yes. Work.?
If he thought that was it, end of story, he had better think again. ?And then what? You didn?t just sack her right then and there??
He raised an eyebrow at me and I tried to smile back.
?I found myself with her once late in the office. She kissed me and well,? he paused, each word coming out slowly, reluctantly. ?It just happened.?
I blinked away the moisture forming at the corners of my eyes and tried to play it light. ?Ah, and that?s the end??
He looked down at his mug and nodded. ?Basically. You walked in on us the other day, and here I am. With you.?
He smoothly reached over my stomach to his bag on the other side to pull out his lighter for his cigarette that he held between his harden lips. I couldn?t help but savor the warmth of his arm pressed to my lower midsection while he lit the extended bud and watched the tip glow with each intake.
?How good was she??
He looked over at me and tucked the lighter back away into his bag. ?That depends.?
?Depends on what? The time of day? Where you were at? What mood she was in?? Could I help it if I sounded a tad pissed?
My nerves were tackled even more when his accent came back like hot liqued, calm, and sure. ?On how honest you want me to be.?
?Brutal.?
He took a long, slow inhale and let the smoke dance it?s way out of his parted mouth. ?Good.?
I choked on air. Did he not know how many things ?good? could mean? ?Good as in okay, or great.?
?Good as in it was good. Nothing more, nothing less.?
This wasn?t getting us anywhere. ?Am I good??
I could almost see the frost, the ice, and at the same time, intense heat fog over his eyes and cloud them when they met mine. For a moment I could almost see the pain, the sheer gloss of pain reflecting my own. Instead of relief that he was hurting too, I felt terrible. This wasn?t suppose to be about him, it was suppose to be what he did to me, the pain he caused to me, why I?m hurting, not him.
Seeing the same pain and hurt in him only show proved that I was no better. But instead of accepting it, I pushed to the back of my head, folded my own emotions and came out hard and cold. ?Well?? Patience would just have to wait as the word entitles.
?Why are you asking me this??
?Was she better??
?Never better, never worse, different. She was different.?
Different.
I only had one question. ?I wasn?t good enough.? But it wasn?t until I said it did I realize it wasn?t a question. It was a fact and I needed some confirmation.
?You-? He stopped and I realized he was holding back to spare my feelings.
I let my lips curve painfully. ?It?s okay Heero. You can tell me I?m bad in bed.?
He looked up quickly and sucked in his breath and for a moment I realized if he was even aware of his own movements. ?No, no, that wasn?t the case at all. I just, I couldn?t??
I wanted to roll my eyes but I found that the scars kept my eyes locked with his eyes. ?Just tell me Heero??
?I feel like, we only went to bed together because that?s what we both thought the other expected. Because we?re-?
?Married.? I murmured. I held my breath and watched him struggle with his inner thoughts. As if he was debating to tell me.
?I thought maybe something was just missing and I wanted to get that. I wanted a taste of it. I thought maybe you couldn?t satisfy my needs.? I blinked back, surprised at how much that stung and shifted uneasily. His eyes slowly rose to mine. ?I thought she could give me what I wanted. I lusted it after but,? He closed his eyes agonizingly, ?When I saw your eyes when you walked in on us, I felt disgusted. I couldn?t stand the feeling of her skin on mine. I was wrong. You were the only one who could give me what I wanted.?
?And that would explain why you cheated on me in the first place, to find what you say only I can give you. Is it just me, or does that sound a little bit, ah, ironic?? I could see his back harden at the word cheat. It was the first time I ever said it in that terms. It was cold reality.
Everything at that moment became broken. His gentle spirit, cold and distain was aching and all for me. I felt like I couldn?t breath, and perhaps I wasn?t.
There was a silence in the air that made the conversation over. I rolled over onto my side and felt some inner dam break and I started to cry. I could feel Heero?s hand on my back, under my shirt, soothing the pain in my chest. He kissed my forehead and I could hear him turn off the lamp. In the darkness, he folded back the covers and tucked us in together. He was gentle, in everything. So gentle that I only cried silently even more. His hands smoothed over the hook of my bra and slid it off easily. I shifted to help him out and he tossed it on the floor. Then, slowly, unsure of himself, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me back into his curve.
?I?m sorry.? He whispered against my neck. ?So sorry.?
Rocking myself with my own muted cries, I drifted off into sleep, and lured Heero along with me.
***
Like I said in Say I do, both stories have the same idea...can you tell? I'd like to know which one you prefer more and why so I can decide if I would like to continue one or not.
-shev
***
Five am.
The hum of the engine roared quietly as the frosty air sang along outside the thin window. The sun was just rising, casting a gray glow through the snowy clouds. Tall evergreens stood erect, like gods against the moving sky. Although the heater was on, the bite of winter still ate my bare cheeks.
I glanced over to see his side profile. He had one arm against the truck door holding up his head with the other casual steering the wheel on the straight, narrow mountain road. He must have felt my stare because at that moment he glanced over, not smiling or asking.
Just knowing.
If anything, that would be enough right there.
I sighed though, remembering why we were there with only a backpack with a few items for both of us. A toothbrush, which we would have to share, and a camera. Running away. As silly as it sounds, a married couple running away, however, for just this moment, maybe we could still time.
Just for one day.
The pain ate, but I ate right back. I held my hands close to my chest as if that would compress the pain but instead it only increased. I scooted closer to Heero, to which he put his arm around my shoulders. I rested my head against his relax frame and let his spicy scent mixed with morning air and evergreens rock me to sleep, with the engine of the truck singing me a melody.
And at the moment, time stilled and I dreamed of what was. And what might be.
If you were to ask me I would tell you what I tell everyone, I am happily married to the greatest man on earth and we?re living happily ever after.
And if you were smart enough, you?d see the lie. Not that I lie often mind you. But I?m in that lovely state that I like to call denial. And denial my dear friend, is a beautiful thing. Beautiful that is until its makeup is wiped off and you see the pain that?s already there.
That?s how it is with Heero and I.
Love, beauty, trust and freedom.
I pray those daily as my mantra, dogma, whatever you will, yet, nothing could save the coldness that had settled over our home. Our life. Mind you, life is life, you get what you get, but I believe you make what you have.
It wasn?t a surprise, but instead, a knife. A deep knife that cut and cut hard. It started not so long ago. It was a Sunday morning, the stars still out. I was sitting on our back porch watching the sunrise. Alone. Cold. Ignoring the tears that almost seemed frozen on my cheek. He was only a couple of feet from my side, facing the same direction, with the same pain and coldness that I felt rape my body.
?I?m sorry.? He whispered. I didn?t say anything. I waited for the splotches of clouds to move, the wind to budge, but more than anything, I prayed for rain. Anything to wash away this moment. ?I. God, Relena, I?m so sorry.? It was so hard to see him with out his stoic attitude. His monotone melody that some would consider a voice.
I nodded slowly, unsure of myself. I pulled my knees closer to my chest and glanced his way. I tried to smile for him. For me. For whatever the cause of my pain. I strained my voice to be light and prayed that he wouldn?t notice. ?I understand Heero.? His eyes caught mine and I could see my reflection. ?I understand I wasn?t good enough.?
I couldn?t help it but break up into more tears. Heero didn?t fight his own and closed the distance between us. Hugging me close and sobbing against my hair I grabbed his shoulders tight making a fist. ?I?m sorry Heero, I tried, and I wasn?t good enough.?
He was generally so cold, so intense yet, his broken state of mind brought me to my knees and I could only wonder what I did to defy the stars.
He kissed my forehead and I could see the frost of his voice stretch into the air.
?Relena,?
I pulled back, watched his eyes cast downwards and back up again to reach mine. I saw everything. Weakness. Tired. Raw. So raw.
?People know,? I said. Or I thought I said. The voice seemed so distant, so dead and empty.
?They will.? Heero kept my hand between his own two palms.
?Then there is only one thing to do.? I started to stand, pulling him with me. ?We should go right now, up to the mountains. People will talk, and it will be easier if we?re not around for it. I?ll go get our clothes, you start the truck.? I started to wipe my eyes when I caught Heero?s shoulders tense up.
Not to mention his face went white. ?You would-??
I pulled back, taking my hand out of his. I fought the lump in my throat. ?I gave you my vows at the alter. I?m not going to give that up. Please, just go start the truck. Don?t make this any harder.?
?Relena, no. This is my problem.?
?Your problem?? I snapped. I wasn?t to scream, kick, go out on a rage. How in the hell could he still believe this was just his problem? ?I?m your wife, I?m the one who got hurt. Do you actually believe I have nothing to do with this??
His eyes almost seemed to break. ?Relena,? he took a deep breath, ?What about your work??
?Heero, I?ll leave my job, my home, my friends, everything for you. I?ll go for you. I choose you, alright? Just go, start the truck. Give me five minutes to pack what I can.?
Heero nodded. He seemed so hurt, and I could only wonder where that hurt came from. I turned on my heel and made my way to the back door when his voice made me stop.
?Thank you.? The words were so soft, his voice was so small. I didn?t turn. I didn?t say anything. I only cursed the tears that made their way up and pictured the image of him and her, together, raw skin against raw skin and the look in his eyes.
I closed my eyes and again, prayed for the rain to come.
The sound of the truck pulling to stop had me opening my eyes. I felt the seatbelt holding me down, melting me back into realization. I took in the surroundings and took a breath, ignoring the quivering of my lips and the shudder throughout my chest. I would be strong, hey, I?m blonde. Right? There has to be some power within that?
I frowned at myself. My attempt at humor was so hopeless at times.
?Let?s go inside.?
Did his voice have to be so calm?
I wanted to snap at him. Curse him. Beat the bloody daylights out of his head but I couldn?t only mutely nod at him and slide out of the seat with my backpack clutched between my arms and my chest. The tiny cabin was covered from head to toe in thick snow. I almost wondered if it was suppose to be warmer inside.
As hard as it was, I let Heero take my hand, pulling me close and lead the way inside. The smell was almost a mixture of fresh cut wood with dust and vanilla. The room was simple.
Wufie had bought this cabin years ago to leave town and meditate, but ever since he joined the Preventers he didn?t have the time or will and sold it us for free, as long as I made him dinner.
Heero took our bag and dropped it by his feet. His eyes darkened, yet, at the same time I couldn?t believe at how sorry and hurt they really were. I realized I rather see him straight, angry and short instead of broken and pained.
I had never seen him cry before.
I watched him as he tried to make the room look cozier by remaking the bed. He was a simple man, really. Blue jeans, white shirt, jean coat with white fur in the inside. He looked like he belonged in the mountain cabin. Small snowflakes in his hair, a mutual face, heavy breath, spicy scent.
His eyes caught mine, folding me out of my observations. ?I?ll take the floor tonight, if you don?t want me to-?
I smiled slowly, painfully. ?You?re my husband, why wouldn?t I want you in my bed??
He watched me curiously as I made my way to the window, watching the light fall of white drops of pearls. ?Relena, I think,? I knew what he was going to say. I took a deep breath, cursing how it made me look so unravel. I heard his words before he said them but listened anyhow. ?I think it?s time we talk and I explain.?
Although his words gave me a push of anger, I ignored it and turned around. ?Alright. Let?s talk.?
?That?s how I met her.?
?Through work you mean.?
He nodded. We were laying on the bed, facing each other on our sides, each with a mug of over brewed coffee. Mine was cold, provoking a sour face each time I took a sip. The day had long left us, leaving us in the tiny room with a dim lamp and easy breeze caressing sweet moans through the door.
?Yes. Work.?
If he thought that was it, end of story, he had better think again. ?And then what? You didn?t just sack her right then and there??
He raised an eyebrow at me and I tried to smile back.
?I found myself with her once late in the office. She kissed me and well,? he paused, each word coming out slowly, reluctantly. ?It just happened.?
I blinked away the moisture forming at the corners of my eyes and tried to play it light. ?Ah, and that?s the end??
He looked down at his mug and nodded. ?Basically. You walked in on us the other day, and here I am. With you.?
He smoothly reached over my stomach to his bag on the other side to pull out his lighter for his cigarette that he held between his harden lips. I couldn?t help but savor the warmth of his arm pressed to my lower midsection while he lit the extended bud and watched the tip glow with each intake.
?How good was she??
He looked over at me and tucked the lighter back away into his bag. ?That depends.?
?Depends on what? The time of day? Where you were at? What mood she was in?? Could I help it if I sounded a tad pissed?
My nerves were tackled even more when his accent came back like hot liqued, calm, and sure. ?On how honest you want me to be.?
?Brutal.?
He took a long, slow inhale and let the smoke dance it?s way out of his parted mouth. ?Good.?
I choked on air. Did he not know how many things ?good? could mean? ?Good as in okay, or great.?
?Good as in it was good. Nothing more, nothing less.?
This wasn?t getting us anywhere. ?Am I good??
I could almost see the frost, the ice, and at the same time, intense heat fog over his eyes and cloud them when they met mine. For a moment I could almost see the pain, the sheer gloss of pain reflecting my own. Instead of relief that he was hurting too, I felt terrible. This wasn?t suppose to be about him, it was suppose to be what he did to me, the pain he caused to me, why I?m hurting, not him.
Seeing the same pain and hurt in him only show proved that I was no better. But instead of accepting it, I pushed to the back of my head, folded my own emotions and came out hard and cold. ?Well?? Patience would just have to wait as the word entitles.
?Why are you asking me this??
?Was she better??
?Never better, never worse, different. She was different.?
Different.
I only had one question. ?I wasn?t good enough.? But it wasn?t until I said it did I realize it wasn?t a question. It was a fact and I needed some confirmation.
?You-? He stopped and I realized he was holding back to spare my feelings.
I let my lips curve painfully. ?It?s okay Heero. You can tell me I?m bad in bed.?
He looked up quickly and sucked in his breath and for a moment I realized if he was even aware of his own movements. ?No, no, that wasn?t the case at all. I just, I couldn?t??
I wanted to roll my eyes but I found that the scars kept my eyes locked with his eyes. ?Just tell me Heero??
?I feel like, we only went to bed together because that?s what we both thought the other expected. Because we?re-?
?Married.? I murmured. I held my breath and watched him struggle with his inner thoughts. As if he was debating to tell me.
?I thought maybe something was just missing and I wanted to get that. I wanted a taste of it. I thought maybe you couldn?t satisfy my needs.? I blinked back, surprised at how much that stung and shifted uneasily. His eyes slowly rose to mine. ?I thought she could give me what I wanted. I lusted it after but,? He closed his eyes agonizingly, ?When I saw your eyes when you walked in on us, I felt disgusted. I couldn?t stand the feeling of her skin on mine. I was wrong. You were the only one who could give me what I wanted.?
?And that would explain why you cheated on me in the first place, to find what you say only I can give you. Is it just me, or does that sound a little bit, ah, ironic?? I could see his back harden at the word cheat. It was the first time I ever said it in that terms. It was cold reality.
Everything at that moment became broken. His gentle spirit, cold and distain was aching and all for me. I felt like I couldn?t breath, and perhaps I wasn?t.
There was a silence in the air that made the conversation over. I rolled over onto my side and felt some inner dam break and I started to cry. I could feel Heero?s hand on my back, under my shirt, soothing the pain in my chest. He kissed my forehead and I could hear him turn off the lamp. In the darkness, he folded back the covers and tucked us in together. He was gentle, in everything. So gentle that I only cried silently even more. His hands smoothed over the hook of my bra and slid it off easily. I shifted to help him out and he tossed it on the floor. Then, slowly, unsure of himself, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me back into his curve.
?I?m sorry.? He whispered against my neck. ?So sorry.?
Rocking myself with my own muted cries, I drifted off into sleep, and lured Heero along with me.
***
Like I said in Say I do, both stories have the same idea...can you tell? I'd like to know which one you prefer more and why so I can decide if I would like to continue one or not.
