All I Can't Have Ch.5

[fallen dove]

It would appear that there is internet access at my mother's house now. Although technically I get another day, I really wanted to get this posted. It is a little bit longer than the chapters I have posted before, but only by a page or so. Sorry if I kept anyone waiting too long, I tried to give this one a little bit more "juice" just for you.


<b>All I Can't Have
Chapter 5</b>

Relena held the note in her hands, his handwriting, despite his attempts at appearing impersonal, even in a damn note, flared here and there with who he was. His writing was small, precise, and finished off by a slight swerve in the "y" as if he were in a hurry. The note gave off everything Relena had ever known about Heero; she ran her fingers across it.
Wait... she scolded herself suddenly, shooting to a sitting position. <I>What the hell am I doing studying his penmanship!? </I>
Without waiting another moment Relena had leapt from the bed, the note held fast in her hand, and bolted out her door. She hope, prayed, that he hadn't left yet. She reached the stairs and saw the tip of his unruly mess of spiked hair disappear around a corner at the bottom.
"Heero!" she called unabashed as she moved to rush down the stairs. Or, at least, that's what she tried to do.
Relena tripped between the first and second stair from the top, her arms flying above her head as her body became completely airborne. It was as if time slowed, Relena closed her eyes as she waited for impact.
She hit something hard, but it wasn't the floor. Opening her eyes, Relena gasped as Heero's blues stared back at her.
She had fallen right into his arms.
He had caught her a bit awkwardly, one hand held tightly onto her arm while the other held her around the small of her back. Relena had landed a bit strangely herself; one hand was pressed between them, upon his chest, while the other had been thrown around his neck as she attempted to get her balance. Once again she had made a complete full of herself in front of him, once again she had been saved in the most inappropriate of ways. But for once...
she didn't care...
?Do you enjoy constantly crashing into me?? Heero asked, although he still held her, as if she were still in danger of falling. Relena was about to protest but at his nearness, his warmth, she was sure that if released her legs wouldn?t hold her.
?Only when I think you deserve it.? She replied with a smile, looking up at him. A silence, which to Relena?s disappointment was awkward, passed between them. Finally, Heero, the man of few words himself, spoke up. As he did so he gently set her on her feet and removed his arms from around her. Relena almost looked disappointed. ?Is there something you wanted to say?? he asked.
Relena held up the note, crinkled but still tightly held in her hand. "I told you that you had to hand it to me in person, next time, remember?" Relena smiled.
Heero raised an eyebrow. Relena continued. "But... but it's ok, I suppose. I'm sorry Heero, but I just have to ask, what is it you are sorry for? You can't just leave random messages without giving it a reason,"
Heero was silent for a moment, as if thinking over his answer. He swallowed, looking at her. "You know why,"
The way he said it, Relena immediately knew exactly what he was apologizing for: he was apologizing for that night he touched her. The night he had burst into her room to protect her, and instead broke his shield and reached out for her. He was apologizing for that night and that night alone, this made Relena furious.
Without saying another word, Relena balled up his apology and threw it directly at his face. Heero caught it, of course, but Relena had already turned to march back up the stairs. Heero paused only for a minute and then moved to catch up with her.
Reaching her at her door, Heero reached out a hand to grab her arm, spinning her. "What is wrong with you? I apologized, what more do you want?" Heero said in such an emotionless tone that Relena felt sick.
Relena glared at him, her eyes like daggers. "That night...you don't need to apologize for that night! How about disbelieving me? Treating me like a wall all these years? Cass!? Why didn't you apologize for Cass?!" Relena heard herself shout, wrenching her arm free from him.
"Why would I?"
Relena could have screamed. Pushing herself from him she entered her room and slammed the door, leaving Heero just outside it. How can he stand there and not care? Did he not have a soul, a heart?! Relena threw herself back on her bed, no notes this time to give her false hope. Heero had made his choices, choices that he did not regret. It was over.

Heero re-entered his own room. He didn't know he was clenching his fists until he looked down to see how white they had become. <i>Apologize for what? Being decisive, being a soldier? I am who I am; there is no changing that. Apologize for Cass? </i> Heero sat down on his bed hard, knocking a gun from it's place beneath his pillow. <i>Did she apologize for James?</i> Heero leaned forward, one hand moving into his own hair and grabbing it, pulling it. He knew he had just, irreversibly, fucked up.

Relena had reached her hand out for her phone before remembering that it wasn't there. <i>He</i> had taken it from her. Sitting up, irritated, Relena left her room, after glancing in the hall to make sure he wasn't there. Relena moved down the steps and headed for the secretary's office, thankfully Cass wasn't in. Relena stepped into the room and nearly collapsed at sunlight pouring at her from all directions.
The room, with its one large window opened wide, was painted a bright, sickening orange. Flowers were scattered here and there in no particular pattern on the wall, desk, bookshelf (containing a vast collection of romance novels) and picture frames. Cass's phone itself was a pre-teen, orange "see-through" travesty. Relena even hesitated before picking it up.
"The President's office," a demure voice called.
"Relena Darlian here, may I speak to President Turner?"
"Of course, ma'am. It will be one moment,"
Relena could not believe how long she was being kept on hold until James's breathless voice finally interrupted some old pop tune from the beginning of the millennium.
"I am so sorry, my dear, but I was in a meeting."
"It's fine James, I was just calling to...I just wanted to talk," Relena finished lamely. James' expected, yet not unwelcome, concern filled the phone.
"What is it, Relena? What's wrong?"
Relena sat on the edge of the desk, leaning her head on the phone. "I'm just... a little stressed, that's all. And I can't do anything about it because I am stuck in the mansion, security's orders. I feel like a teenager who's just been grounded? But even as Relena said this, she already was devising a way to get out.
James laughed politely. "I'm sorry, Relena, but it <i>is</i> for the best, whether you believe it or not. At the meeting today I brought up a few more of your ideas for renovation-the council is coming around. They want you to come to the meeting tonight, but it will be more than just the various big business leaders. A few outside colonial leaders and businesses are coming in, as well as a few from Earth,"
Relena groaned, surprising herself. She usually never, never, let anyone see how much she disdained public speaking. James laughed again.
"I can handle it for you. Oddly enough, it seems that I am good with aging men!"
"James!"
"Oh quiet, don't pretend to be so innocent,? James told her playfully, although his words surprised her. It almost sounded like...an accusation? But James continued speaking, his warm and jovial voice shaking that thought from her. "Unless you really want to repeat the same thing once again to about 50 more people who will whine about it?"
"It's to much to ask you to do that for me, James,"
"It's no problem! You really need more of a break."
"I had that yesterday-"
"So what? Work extra hard tomorrow, then, alright?"
"James, this really is too much-"
"Relena, I want to help you. I can't do much in the way of physically protecting you 24/7. But at least I can spare your mind a little bit of pain. Please, I want to do this for you. It will not be a bother, I promise,"
"...Ok. Thank you James, I really do owe you one,"
"Then you take me on a date next time, eh? Listen love, I've got to run. I will call you-"
"You can't, my phones have been confiscated," Relena said bitterly.
"Then you call me. Bye-bye,"
"Bye" But he had already hung up the phone. Relena returned Cass's to its holder and stood, closing her eyes in the room.
Where was Heero? Out with Cass or up in his room. Praying that no one was watching the security cameras at the moment, Relena went to the window and glanced around. Quickly and quietly she climbed out and dropped the short distance to the ground, it was on the first story, after all. Relena couldn't stand to be there for one more second, she had to get out.

Relena walked through the streets, almost amazed at how much she was enjoying herself. How long had it been since she had went <i>anywhere</i> without an entire entourage? Relena had to laugh, <i>probably never! </i>. Although Relena did not think herself a cocky person, she would admit that she was surprised at how many people did not recognize her. Of course, she had chosen to stroll in the "less-fortunate" part of town, but this was on purpose.
Having already seen a movie, roved about a mall, and strolled in and out quite a few much more interesting places, Relena was feeling quite pleased with herself. On her arm she carried a little purse she had just bought, it had James' face surrounded by plastic diamonds- she just had to show it to him. It amazed her that there were such purses, but being one who never really used a purse Relena could understand her own surprise.
It was as Relena entered a small bookstore that she noticed someone watching her. It was a man in shabby clothing, his hair and face tinged by dirt and dust. But his eyes, bright and clear, were defiantly upon her. Relena entered the bookstore hurriedly, wanting to be surrounded by people as quickly as possible.
<i>Just my luck,</i> she groaned inwardly. <I>My first night out on my own and I have already met a street prowler!</i>
Relena tried to focus on looking through books but that man's face kept swimming before her. How was she to get back to the mansion? What if he was still out there? Relena had left the mansion with only the clothes on her back and some spare cash, she had left the usual self-protection items Heero had gotten her in her room. Not that she ever really used them, she now found herself regretting at least not having one.
So Relena waited around until she saw a small group of people exit the store and she herself hurried up to catch up with them. Well, not with them, but as close to them as she could get. Relena continued glancing back over her shoulder, but the man was nowhere in sight.

"Where the hell have you been!?" Heero's voice boomed. Relena was so surprised, and scared, at the raise in volume that she dropped her bag and nearly lost her balance. She had just entered the mansion to find Heero on his way out the door. Relena couldn't believe it, he actually <i>looked</i> pissed.
"Wh-what?" Relena stuttered dumbly. Heero stood before her, his eyes narrowed in anger, his hands clenched in fists at his side. She had wanted emotion, and now that she had gotten it she didn't know if she wanted to laugh, cry, or run terrified to her room. He was <i>pissed! </i>
Heero moved forward, grabbing her by the arm and hauling her through the hall. "You disappear, no one knowing where you are. A camera catches you running off the property but we couldn't find you afterward. There's an entire team out there looking for you, what is your problem?"
Relena attempted to push him off of her but he was too strong. "I needed to get out! Who the hell are you to order me to stay in my room?!" She was screaming, the night staff watching the scene take place. Only Relena seemed to be oblivious. Heero dragged her with him into and empty office and closed the door behind them. Once the light flicked on he released her, crossing his arms across his chest and closing his eyes in an effort to reset himself. He needed to calm down.
"I am the head of your security team. I am your personal bodyguard. It is my job. Your protection is what I am paid for, it's all that I care about,? Heero said slowly, methodically. Relena was taken aback at his switch back into impassiveness. It seemed to infuriate her more.
"I think your wrong, Heero. You care about nothing!" Relena spat, glaring. Heero still did not open his eyes.
"The measures that have been put in place are for your protection. Despite your protests, you are a very important person, Miss Darlian. There is someone, or some group, running around with your phone numbers and information about you, someone I need to protect you from. I can't and won't apologize for protecting you, and I will not stop. The restrictions are non-negotiable."
Once again, his voice in monotone, Relena could smell the underlying fury. She knew him too well not to notice. But she was still hurt, still angry. She wanted to hurt him, but she did not know how. Silently, Relena opened the door and left him, heading to her room. Heero followed.
"Am I not trusted enough to go to my own room?" She asked violently, refusing to look back at him.
"No,? was all he said, but it hurt. She had lost his trust, in one night of freedom? <I>So what? He never truly trusted her. Not really...</i>
Relena made it to her door and turned around. "Good night, Mr. Yuy," she said, slamming the door before he replied.

Heero re-entered his own room for the up-teenth time that day. Why would she do something so stupid? He had sent out the entire team to scour the colony, he had made calls, checked in with every agent he had, but she had disappeared. Heero had been pacing, so he stopped. Slowly, closing his eyes, he attempted to regain control. He couldn't. Images of Relena hurt, bleeding, crying...dying... continued to flash through his mind. <i>The little idiot!</i>. There was once a time when Relena had been calmer, more conscientious. Sure, she had always had that "Do what I want!" streak in her, but she had never before acted on it so brashly.
Heero punched a wall; angry at the fact he was getting to angry. She was safe, perfectly safe, so why wouldn't he calm down?
Heero decided to take a long, cold shower to calm him. How did she...how did she cause these things to rise in him? He never lost his cool, never. But every moment she was around him, or in his mind, Heero felt things he just...couldn't deal with.
Heero undressed and turned on the shower, bracing himself against the hall and turning up his face into the cool, hard water. Relena.

Relena hardly knew what she was doing. Stepping from her own clothes, Relena grabbed the first silk nightgown she could find. It had been a present, God knows how long ago, from Dorothy. It was a little thin and fell all the way down to her ankles, but it would have to do.
Relena moved to a mirror, pulling her hair down and attempting to pat away the bumps. It framed her face attractively, but still was a bit wild in places. Oh well. She wore no make-up, but this didn?t matter at the moment.
Moving from the mirror, Relena turned off all of her lights and left her room before she lost her nerve. Heero cared for her, he had proved it by his anger, and now he would prove it again in a very different way. She knew he would.
Finally reaching his door, Relena decided against knocking. She simply turned the handle and stepped inside.

[samta22]

Come on! You can't just do that.... :x

Please keep working!

[HiFreak]

OMG how dare you stop there???!!!!!
You have to update soon!
Heero can't screw up once again can he? I mean he must have some sense. I can't wait for the next chapter.

[lilac310]

I'm curious to know what she'll do next....Keep posting!

[amulak]

I'm dying imagining the look on Heero's face when he sees Relena walk in a nightgown on into HIS bathroom.
That's totally the evilest place to end it!!!! >_< PLEASE update soon *dies agonizingly* Please continue!!

[0mikr0n]

Cliffhangars are bittersweet. In writing my fics, I use them exclusively. They build great tension and make people more willing to read the next chapter, but at the same time drive people insane. It's an annoying factor, but necessary to keep interest; it's hated by the readers and enjoyed by the authors.

If I were writing this fic, that's where I'd draw the line, for sure.

[takisha16]

I WANT THAT PURSE!
I still can't believe she actually left to walk around alone in the streets!
That'll teach Heero to be a bit more sensitive!
I can't wait for the next chappy!!!!
Seduction is surely the way to go!
Although I can't believe she will try that after being sooo angrey with him moments
ago!
I can't wait to see the look on Heero's face as she walks in, hopefully while he's still
in the shower!

[relena]

More... You cannot leave us like this... NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I want more....

[Aeris_Eithne]

Touche. What a lovely little cliffhanger; I, too, am a fan of this tactic. But you already have so many devoted fans of your story on here, you might as well feed us the next installment as soon as possible!

I WANT THAT PURSE!

How about one with Heero's face? Eh?

[takisha16]

Even better!
Imagine the money GW people would make on such merchandise! :o
That's a great cash flow idea right there!
Damn them, they cancel the series, and then only make ONE movie (not including
the series dvd's) and Heero leaves...AGAIN!
Uhhh, the writers up there should definitely step aside for a new generation!