The Many Pointless Jobs of Heero Yuy
Posted: Thu Jun 01, 2006 4:36 am
Warning: I am not held responsible if you wet your pants in lafter during this fic
It had been four days, since Heero Yuy, the perfect soldier had some work to do. His clothes smelled of soy sauce, his hair was messy and out of shape, and he was kinda starting to get a beard. His blood shot eyes watched the war movie that was on his very old plasma T.V. from like 2005 A.D. or something. ?Lucky TV soldiers? he said ?why don?t I get action like them any more??
Suddenly there came a knock on the door to his Secret lair/fortress of the perfect soldier (no girls aloud). When Heero heard this he sprung to his feet, rushing to the door knocking things over. When he opened the door, he saw Duo standing there. ?What is it what is it what is it? he repeated to Duo over and over, ?Rebellious group, hostage crisis, hell I?ll even settle for convenient store robbery.?
Duo just stood there for a minute and said ?uh actually I just brought you the employment section of a newspaper, so you could get a job, cause I mean you?re like falling to shambles, and for gods sake get some pants on.?
So Heero Yuy took the paper and looked for a job and went through a week of new jobs, until a new war mysteriously broke out. This is the story.
Day 1: Paper boy
A thunderous sound could be heard coming from the end of the street, small animals fled in its wake, the birds flew into the sky in the number of hundreds. Down the rode was Heero on a bicycle peddling into town, shooting everything in front of him with a shot gun. When he finally reached the houses, only one flaming car remained on the road.
?Target reached, commencing destruction I mean delivery? he said while pulling out a RPNP (Rocket Propelled News Paper) launcher.
Aiming carefully he fired off a paper, missing the door mat, and killing a squirrel walking by. His next shot fired off and hit a bird bath causing it to topple and crush a lawn flamingo. He then fired off every paper he had screaming like a maniac until he was out of papers.
?Mission accomplished? he said while dropping the RPNP launcher then waving and saying ?good morning Mr. Johnson.?
All Mr. Johnson said after that day was ?my legs, where are my legs! Auuuuuuuuuahhhgggg!?
Day 2: Mechanic
Heero Yu was ready for his first day as a mechanic; he put on his uniform, cleaned and prepared his tools, and laid mines in front of the shop. Now all he had to do was wait, grab a beer and wait.
Two and a half hours later
Heero?s eye began to twitch, nothing had come by in that whole, except that little bird which set off all his mines. His patients were beginning to wane (wane: to diminish in size (see I?m smat?. I mean smart)) when suddenly to his joy, a station wagon pulled up and parked just out side.
?Just an oil change boy, I?ll be back in an hour? the generic man said while stepping out of the car.
?Ok? Heero Yuy said as he cracked his knuckles preparing to work.
After the generic man left, he pulled out his sledge hammer and began smashing away at the station wagon. He then quickly ?borrowed? the left arm to the Gundam Deathscythe and duct taped it to the hood of the car.
When the generic man returned, he was most disappointed. ?Where?s my complementary air freshener? You call yourself a mechanic?
Heero then pulled out his gun and began to fire away at the station wagon.
?Is it better? I gave it my favorite smell, the smell of gun powder? Herro responded while reloading his gun.
Day 3: burger king cashier
Heero had just about had it with this job, he had been working there for five minutes and his co worker was driving him crazier than Duo ever did. He kept singing something random when a customer appeared, and he wouldn?t stop. All he could understand in the song was ?would you like an apple pie with that?
He was about to go insane (I mean zero system insane), when suddenly, he heard a cry in the kitchen that the grill wouldn?t start. Seeing his chance to escape the insanity of his co worker, he rushed off to ?help? in the kitchen.
When he got there, the main cook was fiddling with the gas trying to get a flame to start. So Heero then took a hand grenade from his pocket and threw it on the grill. He then ducked and waited for the explosion.
As a fire started on the grill, his supervisor came by and said ?what did I tell you about using explosives to start the grill!??
Heero just ignored him and put a stick of dynamite on the grill.
When he got back, he saw that there was a long line of people, most who quickly switched to his line when he came up.
On his last customer he painstakingly took his order for 2 hours strait!
?Is that all?? he asked hopefully, not wanting to go through any more ordering.
?Yup? the customer said eagerly.
Heero then rang up the order only to hear ?you didn?t offer me an apple pie! You son of a %$#*?
Heero then avoided the punch the man threw, and countered it by tearing the mans' arm out.
?That?s strike three Yuy? he heard his supervisor say angrily
?What!? It?s only strike two? Heero said in defense of himself.
The supervisor only responded saying ?I saw what you did to the play place?
?What ... land mines only make it more interesting? Heero said trying to save his basically *&^*ed @$$.
Day 4: pscytirst
Heero had been spending the entire day in boredom, all he had been saying was ?mhm? ?I see? ?how does this make you feel?? and ?ok our time is up now pay me lots of money.?
For the next person, he was actually gona listen, yet to his surprise, his next patient was none other than Wufie.
?Heero what are you doing here? Wufie said noticing that his regular doctor wasn?t there.
?I?m subbing for doctor Ervingshwarts, after his unfortunate ?accident?? Heero said to Wufie.
?Fine? Wufie said while he sat down on the couch. ?It all started when I was very little, about 13, I was having a tea party with my doll Ms. Tea cups, when my future wife Merin came and cut her head off! Then I cried all the way home, and when I got there I tripped and scraped my knee and I cried harder, then.?
?I think it?s time for hypnosis therapy? said Heero not standing any more of this story.
Heero then proceeded to wave a watch in front of Wufie.
?Nothing? Wufie said while staring into the watch.
Heero then hit him on the head with a hammer.
?Let?s try the watch again? Wufie said while counting the pretty birdies circling his head.
?I?m sorry but our time is up and I must be going? Heero said not caring anymore.
?You left your notes? Wufie said calling after him only to hear a muffled response of ?keep it?
As Wufie looked over the notes he saw that it was all drawings of Wufie being a sissy.
?Injustice!? Wufie cried out the door, ?Ms Tea cups has a French trim on her dress?
Day 5 Security Guard at JCPenny
Heero Yuy stood in his new uniform, on the alert for any shoplifters.
At one point Noin came in saying ?it?s been one day? yeah one day since JCPenny had had a one day sale.?
Heero?s day was going slowly when suddenly he saw someone take a pair of mittens. He then tackled the shop lifter at the ankles, they both landed on their faces. Heero then tackled it again, this time they rolled with Heero getting in punches. When they reached the window, they crashed through it and began to fall. Heero then took out his two semi automatics, and began firing at the shop lifter as they fell from the 30 story building.
When they reached the ground the shop lifter hit the pavement, while Heero landed in a bush.
After about an hour, another security guard came to Heero and helped him out of the bush saying ?ah Yuy, that wasn?t a shop lifter, that was a manikin?. Wana get doughnuts??
Day 6: Plumber
Heero went down into the basement to try and fix the leak; he couldn?t believe how boring this job was. He swore, this was the last time he was a plumber for five minutes.
He turned the knobs, fastened the pipes, all that boring stuff. When quitting time finally came he got his but out of there, that way he wouldn?t have to be bored to death by the boring job of plumbing.
1 second later in the mushroom kingdom?
All the goombas, koopas, and whatever?s, were waiting around the pipe, waiting for the next plumber to show up.
?where?s the plumber? the most littlest gomba said ?he was supposed to be here 1 second ago when the magic warp vortex thingamabober, magically transported him here after 5 minutes 1 second to kick our buts and save the mushroom kingdom in a very violent way?
Day 7 convenient store clerk
The day had been going slow for a convenient store, only 8 shoplifters and 2 actual shoppers. There had been no armed robberies yet, and Heero was busy fooling around with the slushy machine. When suddenly to Heero?s delight, a man with a 12 gauge shot gun came in to rob the place. A smile lit upon Heeros face as the shot gun was pointed straight at his nose.
?Give me your money? the robber said with his finger on the trigger.
?Truly armature? Heero said while rolling his eyes ?you have no emotion to your threat, come on let me have some fear, and also?? he trailed off as he ripped the shot gun out from the robbers arms and began beating him with it. ?you left the safty on.?
?excuse me how much for some penny candy? a small man asked from next to the robber.
?umm I?m not sure? Heero said while continuing to beat the robber with his own weapon ?but I do know that it is very very expensive.?
And after that week, a large war threatening to destroy all of mankind broke out and Heero lived Happily ever after
The End
?
Yeah it is I?m just screwing with ya
Disclaimer: I do not own gundam wing, super Mario, jcpenny, or whatever else I may have used.
It had been four days, since Heero Yuy, the perfect soldier had some work to do. His clothes smelled of soy sauce, his hair was messy and out of shape, and he was kinda starting to get a beard. His blood shot eyes watched the war movie that was on his very old plasma T.V. from like 2005 A.D. or something. ?Lucky TV soldiers? he said ?why don?t I get action like them any more??
Suddenly there came a knock on the door to his Secret lair/fortress of the perfect soldier (no girls aloud). When Heero heard this he sprung to his feet, rushing to the door knocking things over. When he opened the door, he saw Duo standing there. ?What is it what is it what is it? he repeated to Duo over and over, ?Rebellious group, hostage crisis, hell I?ll even settle for convenient store robbery.?
Duo just stood there for a minute and said ?uh actually I just brought you the employment section of a newspaper, so you could get a job, cause I mean you?re like falling to shambles, and for gods sake get some pants on.?
So Heero Yuy took the paper and looked for a job and went through a week of new jobs, until a new war mysteriously broke out. This is the story.
Day 1: Paper boy
A thunderous sound could be heard coming from the end of the street, small animals fled in its wake, the birds flew into the sky in the number of hundreds. Down the rode was Heero on a bicycle peddling into town, shooting everything in front of him with a shot gun. When he finally reached the houses, only one flaming car remained on the road.
?Target reached, commencing destruction I mean delivery? he said while pulling out a RPNP (Rocket Propelled News Paper) launcher.
Aiming carefully he fired off a paper, missing the door mat, and killing a squirrel walking by. His next shot fired off and hit a bird bath causing it to topple and crush a lawn flamingo. He then fired off every paper he had screaming like a maniac until he was out of papers.
?Mission accomplished? he said while dropping the RPNP launcher then waving and saying ?good morning Mr. Johnson.?
All Mr. Johnson said after that day was ?my legs, where are my legs! Auuuuuuuuuahhhgggg!?
Day 2: Mechanic
Heero Yu was ready for his first day as a mechanic; he put on his uniform, cleaned and prepared his tools, and laid mines in front of the shop. Now all he had to do was wait, grab a beer and wait.
Two and a half hours later
Heero?s eye began to twitch, nothing had come by in that whole, except that little bird which set off all his mines. His patients were beginning to wane (wane: to diminish in size (see I?m smat?. I mean smart)) when suddenly to his joy, a station wagon pulled up and parked just out side.
?Just an oil change boy, I?ll be back in an hour? the generic man said while stepping out of the car.
?Ok? Heero Yuy said as he cracked his knuckles preparing to work.
After the generic man left, he pulled out his sledge hammer and began smashing away at the station wagon. He then quickly ?borrowed? the left arm to the Gundam Deathscythe and duct taped it to the hood of the car.
When the generic man returned, he was most disappointed. ?Where?s my complementary air freshener? You call yourself a mechanic?
Heero then pulled out his gun and began to fire away at the station wagon.
?Is it better? I gave it my favorite smell, the smell of gun powder? Herro responded while reloading his gun.
Day 3: burger king cashier
Heero had just about had it with this job, he had been working there for five minutes and his co worker was driving him crazier than Duo ever did. He kept singing something random when a customer appeared, and he wouldn?t stop. All he could understand in the song was ?would you like an apple pie with that?
He was about to go insane (I mean zero system insane), when suddenly, he heard a cry in the kitchen that the grill wouldn?t start. Seeing his chance to escape the insanity of his co worker, he rushed off to ?help? in the kitchen.
When he got there, the main cook was fiddling with the gas trying to get a flame to start. So Heero then took a hand grenade from his pocket and threw it on the grill. He then ducked and waited for the explosion.
As a fire started on the grill, his supervisor came by and said ?what did I tell you about using explosives to start the grill!??
Heero just ignored him and put a stick of dynamite on the grill.
When he got back, he saw that there was a long line of people, most who quickly switched to his line when he came up.
On his last customer he painstakingly took his order for 2 hours strait!
?Is that all?? he asked hopefully, not wanting to go through any more ordering.
?Yup? the customer said eagerly.
Heero then rang up the order only to hear ?you didn?t offer me an apple pie! You son of a %$#*?
Heero then avoided the punch the man threw, and countered it by tearing the mans' arm out.
?That?s strike three Yuy? he heard his supervisor say angrily
?What!? It?s only strike two? Heero said in defense of himself.
The supervisor only responded saying ?I saw what you did to the play place?
?What ... land mines only make it more interesting? Heero said trying to save his basically *&^*ed @$$.
Day 4: pscytirst
Heero had been spending the entire day in boredom, all he had been saying was ?mhm? ?I see? ?how does this make you feel?? and ?ok our time is up now pay me lots of money.?
For the next person, he was actually gona listen, yet to his surprise, his next patient was none other than Wufie.
?Heero what are you doing here? Wufie said noticing that his regular doctor wasn?t there.
?I?m subbing for doctor Ervingshwarts, after his unfortunate ?accident?? Heero said to Wufie.
?Fine? Wufie said while he sat down on the couch. ?It all started when I was very little, about 13, I was having a tea party with my doll Ms. Tea cups, when my future wife Merin came and cut her head off! Then I cried all the way home, and when I got there I tripped and scraped my knee and I cried harder, then.?
?I think it?s time for hypnosis therapy? said Heero not standing any more of this story.
Heero then proceeded to wave a watch in front of Wufie.
?Nothing? Wufie said while staring into the watch.
Heero then hit him on the head with a hammer.
?Let?s try the watch again? Wufie said while counting the pretty birdies circling his head.
?I?m sorry but our time is up and I must be going? Heero said not caring anymore.
?You left your notes? Wufie said calling after him only to hear a muffled response of ?keep it?
As Wufie looked over the notes he saw that it was all drawings of Wufie being a sissy.
?Injustice!? Wufie cried out the door, ?Ms Tea cups has a French trim on her dress?
Day 5 Security Guard at JCPenny
Heero Yuy stood in his new uniform, on the alert for any shoplifters.
At one point Noin came in saying ?it?s been one day? yeah one day since JCPenny had had a one day sale.?
Heero?s day was going slowly when suddenly he saw someone take a pair of mittens. He then tackled the shop lifter at the ankles, they both landed on their faces. Heero then tackled it again, this time they rolled with Heero getting in punches. When they reached the window, they crashed through it and began to fall. Heero then took out his two semi automatics, and began firing at the shop lifter as they fell from the 30 story building.
When they reached the ground the shop lifter hit the pavement, while Heero landed in a bush.
After about an hour, another security guard came to Heero and helped him out of the bush saying ?ah Yuy, that wasn?t a shop lifter, that was a manikin?. Wana get doughnuts??
Day 6: Plumber
Heero went down into the basement to try and fix the leak; he couldn?t believe how boring this job was. He swore, this was the last time he was a plumber for five minutes.
He turned the knobs, fastened the pipes, all that boring stuff. When quitting time finally came he got his but out of there, that way he wouldn?t have to be bored to death by the boring job of plumbing.
1 second later in the mushroom kingdom?
All the goombas, koopas, and whatever?s, were waiting around the pipe, waiting for the next plumber to show up.
?where?s the plumber? the most littlest gomba said ?he was supposed to be here 1 second ago when the magic warp vortex thingamabober, magically transported him here after 5 minutes 1 second to kick our buts and save the mushroom kingdom in a very violent way?
Day 7 convenient store clerk
The day had been going slow for a convenient store, only 8 shoplifters and 2 actual shoppers. There had been no armed robberies yet, and Heero was busy fooling around with the slushy machine. When suddenly to Heero?s delight, a man with a 12 gauge shot gun came in to rob the place. A smile lit upon Heeros face as the shot gun was pointed straight at his nose.
?Give me your money? the robber said with his finger on the trigger.
?Truly armature? Heero said while rolling his eyes ?you have no emotion to your threat, come on let me have some fear, and also?? he trailed off as he ripped the shot gun out from the robbers arms and began beating him with it. ?you left the safty on.?
?excuse me how much for some penny candy? a small man asked from next to the robber.
?umm I?m not sure? Heero said while continuing to beat the robber with his own weapon ?but I do know that it is very very expensive.?
And after that week, a large war threatening to destroy all of mankind broke out and Heero lived Happily ever after
The End
?
Yeah it is I?m just screwing with ya
Disclaimer: I do not own gundam wing, super Mario, jcpenny, or whatever else I may have used.
