Losing Grip

[The Engrish Spy]

Losing Grip
By: Engrish Spy
Rating: R (for mature subjects)
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, the good people at Sunrise and Bandi do. So there

It was a shock that he was asking me what he was. I mean, this was something that Duo or Quatre or on some freaky level that Trowa would ask me to do. I never expected the Perfect Solider, the ice king who I had been told by many put me to shame to be asking me what a woman wants.

"Will you?? he asked again dragging me from my thoughts.

I stared into his cold hard eyes, wondering why he was asking me again, I did not flinch.

?Relena I?m asking you as a friend,? he said with a cool voice.

?Yes,? I said not even thinking. It was not done with thought, it was all involuntary.

Yes, who would not take the chance to seduce this man, a man who in my mind was perfect? A man who I had known since my days in the war. The only man I ever loved was asking me to teach him how to seduce another woman. I could not say no. No that would be suicide in our already unstable and fragile friendship. It was also suicide to admit to the man that I did not want to help him because I was the one who wanted to be in his bed at night. I wanted to be the woman who he wanted to seduce.

I had given up on him a long time ago after he left me. Upon giving up, he came back wanting a friendship and so I gave it to him. I gave it in hopes that it might develop past what little basis there was for this precarious companionship that he wanted in hopes to regain his battled soul. I was disgusted with myself to think that a friendship with the cold Heero Yuy would develop into passion or in an uncomplicated lust that would sustain me for sometime. I was wrong.

As I stood there looking at him I saw the small smile play across his lips. My heart seemed to burst at the thought that I had given him a simple joy. I was giving him the chance to be with someone he thought he would love. I was giving him hope. All I was getting in return was the pretense of affection that Heero would feel for this other girl. It made me feel a repulsiveness that I had not felt since the time Mariemaie made me address the world that one Christmas Eve, making me chose between the world and my life.

?Thanks. I owe you,? he replied and then he turned to leave.

I did not even get a chance to suggest where we start in his ?education? of the female race. I sat down in my chair and placed my head in my hands. I felt a sense of trepidation wash over me as I sat there. I was to be that close to Heero, pretending that all I was doing was taking an interest in his relationship advance, while teaching him what I thought a woman wanted, which could have well as evolved into sexual advances. I was not supposed to take this as a serious matter but I feared that my heart was about to be dragged through the mud with this lesson in love and playing with the heart. I was going to feel it break further. This time is would go as far as physically being ripped out of my chest until I bleed all over the white carpet of this office. I was going to regret my actions. I sat back and looked out the window of my home office. I could see the future and I was not going to like it.

~*~
Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you
Why'd you turn away?
Here's what I have to say
I was left to cry there, waiting outside there
Burning with a lost stare
That's when I decided
~*~


He visited me again. It was almost five and he had come to do an official sweep of the wing I was in. It was a scheduled event. There was one at nine, one a twelve, one at three and one at five. It was at the one a twelve he had asked me to teach him to seduce a woman, teach him what a woman wanted, what a woman craved. I had to hide the fact that what I craved was him, what I craved was for him to be doing what I was about to teach him to in turn return the favour.

?So what is my fist lesson?? He asked cautiously. I could see a smug grin play on his features.

I looked up from my work. The room was dimly lit and I could tell that he was trying his best to be in two places at once. In the shadows where he was most comfortable and closer to a human being which was what he was trying to learn. I gave him an infuriated look and stood up from my work. I braced my hands on the desk in front of me.

?Come out of the shadows first Heero. You can?t impress a girl by hiding,? I said trying to bite back the malice I felt already to this woman I did not even know.

Heero warily came closer to the desk. I motioned for him to sit in one of the old green leather chairs that my biologically father kept in this study slash office for the nostalgic feel it brought. I could have cared less. I used this office for one thing only, work, and that?s all I cared to use it for. My brother thought otherwise but I just figured it was a male thing. Heero took a seat in the chair and I followed suit.

?So tell me what this girl is like?? I forced myself to ask. If there was any way to figure out a woman it would be in the way she looked as well as her likes.

?She?s pretty, and athletic. She works on your security staff,? as soon as he mentioned athletic I began to feel the green eyed monster well up in me. I was already sick and tired of this girl already.

?She?s only five feet. And I know she likes her coffee black,? he finished in his cool crisp voice.

I knitted my brows together in frustration, ?That gives me a lot to work with Yuy.?

I could see in the dim light, Heero frowning at my statement. I sighed and then rubbed my temples.

?What?s the matter?? he asked with some concern that a man who knew little emotion could muster.

I sighed and then glanced into the cold eyes of Heero Yuy. ?Nothing,? I stated gracefully.

He did not flinch or even move closer to me. He held his stiff position in the chair. I heaved a sigh.

?Don?t worry I will get to the bottom to this and in no time Heero you will have this girl that you are so enamored with.? I gave him a weak smile.

He nodded and then stood up shrinking into the shadows. I shook my head but then a thought came to my mind.

?Ok here?s your first assignment Heero. Think of one thing that you think that she might be interested in that also interest you and then tomorrow try and pretend that I am her and get me to talk to you,? I said trying to choke back my tears.

I would not cry in front of him. I would not cry in front of him. I would not cry in front of him. I would not cry in front of him.

He nodded and then left the room. As soon as I knew he was gone, I let the tears flow. I was already undergoing the slow torture of the removal process of the delicate organ. It was going to kill me.

~*~
Why should I care
'Cuz you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone
You, you need to listen
I'm starting to trip, I'm losing my grip
And I'm in this thing alone
~*~


It had been a long day. By five o?clock uneasiness was creeping into my soul. The sound of the door, made my head move up in anticipation. Again, Heero crept into the shadows. I shook my head and he obediently sat down in the ugly green chairs. There was silence for what seemed to stretch on for hours until I head his voice come out at the level of a whisper.

?I see you like your coffee black,?

I sighed and then put on one of the masks that I used for political performances and social engagements, ?Actually I prefer tea.?
Heero eased a little and then seem to awkwardly move into a conversation with me.

?Then how is that you drink it nearly every day here at the office??

?We have no tea here,? I replied.

?Well then we will have to make a complaint to the Vice Foreign Minister about getting some tea for the security team,? He countered slipping into a social mask that I had seen him use during functions when he was forced to. It was mostly a training thing.

I pulled back and then stood up, ?My name is ? Heero do you know her name at least??

?It?s Gwen Winters. She?s been serving on my security staff for little under a year,? I could sense the cover up in his voice.

?I see,? I hid the sadness and then continued, ?I?m Gwen Winters and you are??

?Heero Yuy. Would you like to get some coffee or some tea some time??

?Mr. Yuy, are you asking me out on a date?? I replied still in character.

?I guess so,? he shrugged and then stood from his seat.

I sighed and placed my hands on my hip, ?Heero you don?t guess so you know so,? I replied and then sat back down.

I shook my head and then looked towards the very nervous man I was trying to teach to become social. Then a thought popped into my head.

?Why don?t we go out for a late supper? I?m very hungry and we can try this out some more. Or you could meet me at the village pub in an hour and we can try and do this like an actual date?? I suggested.

Heero nodded and then left. I didn?t get an answer but I took his nod as he wanted to go with the former rather then the latter. I sighed and then closed my folder. I stood and followed after Heero going to my room to change for this sham of a date I had created to a least spend time with Heero before I lost him completely.

~*~
Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody's place
When you turn around can you recognize my face
You used to love me, you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case
Everything wasn't okay
I was left to cry there, waiting outside there
Burning with a lost stare
That's when I decided
~*~


I shuddered as I sat at the bar dressed in a navy jumper like dress. A simple pair of pearls decorated my neck and a matching pair of earrings adorned my ears. The place I had suggested was a very upscale place in the former Sanqu Kingdom. I felt somewhat under-dressed in the work dress that I wore during outings and fundraising while other women were dressed in the ostentatious couture of the day. It was all feathers and costume jewelry these days. I could have cared less.

I preferred the simplistic thing in life. Even my job had become more simplified in the years that followed the colony wars. It was this deal that Heero had roped me into that had my life turned topsy turvy. I sighed just as the bartender brought me my Singapore Sling.
As I sat nursing the cocktail in front of me, I could see out of the corner of my eye a man enter the bar with the unmistakable, unmanageable hair that I known anywhere. I put down my drink and turned to face the man. He rushed up to the bar quickly and then sat down next to me.

?I?m sorry I?m late. I had to get Pagan to press my suit,? he murmured and then motioned for the bartender to take his drink order.

I looked Heero up and down. I had never seen this dark suit before and was glad he had taken it out of storage for the night.

?That?s all right,? I said in a soft reassuring voice, ?this isn?t a real date. It?s only to prepare you for the one you ask out Gwen.?

Heero gave me a soft smile back. I tilted my head slightly to hide the blush that had crept into my cheeks. He had never really ever been able to do this to me before. He had never been able to make me blush. I was losing my grip now and I was not going to last for long.

?So how was your day?? I heard him ask.

I pondered the question for a second and then picked up my drink. I sipped it slowly almost sensually. Heero just continued to stare ineptly at me. I put my drink down and then heaved a sigh.

?Do you want me to be Gwen or Relena?? I asked knowing I was trying to make him feel as comfortable as he could.

?I don?t care either or is fine,? he said with a shrug and picked up the beer that the bartender had brought him.

I held my breath. It was almost as if he was giving me a chance to be myself and not the person that I was pretending to be, both for his sake and for the political aspect that I showed him all the time.

?My day was fine,? I finally replied with the non conforming phrase that Gwen would have given him.

There was an uncomfortable silence that developed between us at the bar. I sat there uncomfortable as ever. It was really peculiar sitting at the bar with a man. I had never really been on a date and this was as new to me as it was to Heero. How was I going to help him?

?What?s it like to be a woman?? he finally asked breaking the silence.

?I could ask you opposite question, what?s it like to be a man?? I replied.

There was silence again and then I opened my fat mouth and stuck my foot in it all the way.

?It?s not like I know how to be a woman. I really don?t know why you came to me to solve your problem. If you really want to know what women like. Let?s take me for instance. I like a good book, and a hot bath. I like big fluffy dogs and curling up near a fire on a cold winter day. I like to ride a horse and jump the gate even though I know it?s dangerous. I like daisies and roses. I love the colour blue. I love pasta and Thai. I have one brother, a sister in law and a little niece that is cute as a button. I want to get married in a church in a long white gown to the man who will treat me like a princess. Not like I was the queen of the world, a man who would treasure my thoughts and love me unconditionally for the rest of my life. And I would return that love to the best of my ability.? I had given too much of my self away at this point what more was there to do.

I watched as Heero sat stunned at my rant. I huffed and then grabbed the little blue clutch purse that I had brought. I pulled out a twenty and laid it on the bar. I then pulled away from the seat and began to walk towards the door. I was suddenly yanked back by a strong gripped of callused hands. I turned around to see Heero standing up. A pleading look shone through the coldness. I shook my head and he slackened the grip. I left after that exchange. I could see the blood begin to drip already.

~*~
Why should I care
'Cuz you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone
You, you need to listen
I'm starting to trip, I'm losing my grip
And I'm in this thing alone
~*~

It had been two days since the ?date?. I was getting ready for a conference when Heero entered my office unexpectedly. I gave him a questioning look and he just snorted. I snorted back at him and he continued to pace back and forth. He looked restless and tired but the distantness and precision that was Heero Yuy continued to shine through.

?What is it?? I asked snapping after he had paced my office for the fifth time.

?I need to know if I look as if I could seduce you,? it was a comment that was quite not the pensive, brooding, Heero I knew.

?I don?t know do you think I could seduce you?? I replied sarcastically.

Heero gave me his patented death glare which only caused me to break out into a rare grin. As I did, I saw something in his eyes light up like I had never seen before.

?Look Heero, you are a good looking man. I bet you could have any woman in bed in less then fifteen minutes,? I said nonchalantly.

?Care to try that theory,? he replied with his brand of humour.

My eyes shot up from the paper they had been looking at. He stared at me with this puppy dog look and then I cocked an inquisitive eyebrow.

?Can I try so that when I do use this on Gwen I don?t look like a total fool?? I had never seen Heero beg before but here he was looking like a sad and pitiful dog.

I rolled my eyes and then nodded my head. His hard face relaxed and then he motioned for me to stand up. I complied. Heero then turned on the small radio that I kept next to my desk in case of important events were taking place. He switched to a classical station and the piece that came on I recognized as piece that I head play during a wedding scene in a movie I had seen years before. It hurt inside as he offered his hand out to me as if inventing me to impeding doom. But I could not resist the charm that reflected in his indigo eyes. I sighed and let him lead me in a soft slow waltz.

I was exceedingly close to the man who had captured my heart many years ago on the beach at sunset. His warm breath was steady and even with his heart beat. Mine was erratic. Beating a million times a minute, I knew that this dance would kill me right here and right now.

?What are you think?? he asked me in a low whisper.

?Nothing,? I replied, lying to him.

He knew it too. He could always tell when I was lying to him and this moment was no exception.

?Do I frighten you?? His voice soothing.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. This was not helping. I could feel his breath trail down my neck. It did not shock me like I had read in so many trashy romance novels. It did not make me want to tell him to kiss and suck and caress. In actuality it broke my heart even further. In my mind the white carpet of the office began to turn dark red as my heart was ripped directly from my chest by little blue demons and danced upon till I had nothing left and I was lying on the floor dead.

?Good,? he replied and then pulled me in even closer.

The imagery got worse as we continued to dance. While at this point it was more like nothing at all. He ran his hands up and down my body and I tried to hold back the tears. It was not until the song reached its end that I felt a familiar callused hand tilt my chin up so that my eyes look directly up into his. Again I tried to mask the hurt and literal torture he was putting me through. Then in one swift motion he captured my lips in a passion searing kiss. I struggled to get away. I did not need this. I did not need a single ray of hope that would keep the damn torch lit for Heero Yuy. But he found some way to get back into my heart only to be leaving it within a matter of moments.

~*~
crying out loud
open your eyes (x2)
~*~


I tried to push away from him, except he tightened his grip on me. I was forced to submit to him and his desire. I was forced to follow him. I was forced to love him and I did not want to.

His hands continued to roam. They roamed all over my body inciting a riot of passion and stable mind. I became lost, delirious and swept away with the lust and fervor he created in me. It all came to a head when we ended up on the green leather sofa that my biological father kept in here so that he could sleep on it if work took him too long.

In our frenzied hunger for release, it only seemed to take only a few minutes. I cried out his name? he cried out her name. I was just Gwen. I was just a doll to which he used to practice out the going on?s in his mind. I was just a toy. It was a dash of cold water. I lay there cold, unmoving as he calmed down from his orgasm. He continued to mummer her name as he caressed my sweat slicked skin.

Once he was asleep, I carefully maneuvered myself out from under him and then quickly righted my clothing. I placed a blanket on Heero and then I moved towards the intercom on the desk. I quickly pushed the button and waited for my secretary to ring back. Once she had buzzed back I told her I was sick and spending the rest of the day in bed. I also told her that no one was to enter the study. She never questioned me and then went about her business.

I took one last look at the sleeping figure on the couch. His disobedient hair was falling into his eyes. I smoothed back a piece and then looked at him with yearning. I then let out a moan of sadness as I remembered the words that came so frequently from Heero?s lips when we were younger, ?I will kill you.? And then I knew that Heero had lived up to his word. He killed me, he killed Relena Peacecraft Darlian. He killed the dove of peace, the former queen of the world, and he had done it in the worst way.

~*~
Why should I care
'Cuz you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone
~*~

TBC?.

A/N: Ok so it?s more angst from me. Hey I love angst. I think it?s more romantic. Any way. Another chapter of Crazy Little Thing Called Love is on its way. It?s just sitting on my computer at school and I am currently at home for the week. I?m trying to write that story as fast as I can. I just hit a case of writers block with that story. I plan to put up a version of Heero?s POV but it will all be the fall out not the build up.

The Engrish Spy

[amateur_storyteller]

I've read this at ff.net and again here, so that tells you how much I'm interested in it. That having been said, please continue this soon!!!


PLEASE!!!!!

:-? :evil:

[wicked]

Me likes! Angst is good. More believable.

That said...baaaaaaaaaaad Heero. Bad bad bad bad! :evil: If I were Relena, I'd kill Heero the way he killed her. But that's just me.

~Wicked Child

[ryoko#2001]

Very very good and sad. what a jerk heero is grr.. well i likey a lot!

[Numena]

Wonderful! in a sad, depressing way of course. But I really liked it! wonderfully depressing stuff!
That having been said...
STUPID STUPID Heero!
Grrr :evil:
Wil there be more soon!?

[shadowcat]

sad... but BRILLANT!!!

I love ANGST!!! mwa ha ha...i think HHeero deserves a slap here or two!

++Cat

[Ailuj]

This is an amzing fic! I love it so much! I want to hurt Heero so badly! *smacks him* Why do you have to be so damn stupid!!! Please write more!