I Don't Understand Love (ZMxLN)

[Kilmeny]

I Don’t Understand Love
By Kilmeny

Disclaimers: I do not own the characters in this fanfiction. Gundam Wing and its characters belong to Sunrise. This fanfiction will not be used for a profit or anything else of that nature.

Summary: Zech’s POV on the confusing concept of love, especially the love that Noin gives him, during their trip to Mars. Noin makes him see that sometimes you don’t have to understand something in order to enjoy it.

Author’s Notes: This was a spur of the moment thing that I did over Labor Day weekend. I just got inspired to write some Zechs and Noin romance, so here it is. However, this has nothing to do with “Trust in Me”’s timeline. My official Zechs and Noin story will be much longer and probably will relate to my other stories. I haven’t started on my Duo and Hilde story yet, but I plan on it once I get back into the school groove. Hope you enjoy the story!

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I reasoned that maybe if I heard her say it again, then I would understand why she was here, but I was soon to find out that understanding would not come that easily. “Noin, are you sure you . . . ?” I asked hesitantly.

“Zechs, don’t make me repeat myself again,” she answered confidently, smiling slightly and crossing her arms.

I gave her a sideways glance and sighed. I had told her earlier that I understood that she wanted to stay with me because she had waited for me to come back for so long, but I couldn’t comprehend why she had waited in the first place. I looked her way again, and this time she turned and smiled, perhaps waiting for me to say something. I remained silent and raised my eyes to the ceiling. Man, this was going to be a long ride.

I tried to imagine what the life we would lead on Mars would be like. I knew it would be a lot of hard, dangerous work, with none of Earth’s beauty to comfort us. What would it be like if Noin weren’t coming with me? I couldn’t answer my own question. Life without Noin by my side was impossible to comprehend. The bond between us was so . . . so strong, like we couldn’t be separated. Maybe that was why I had survived the final battle with Heero, because I knew that I couldn’t leave her waiting . . . waiting to die just so that she could be with me on the other side. I didn’t want her to live that kind of life.

Where had this bond come from? When had it started, and what did it mean? I realized the only thing that could explain why she had waited for me and always stayed with me was because she loved me. I shifted uncomfortably, my eyes returning to her form again. She was asleep now, a peaceful smile on her face. Oh God, why me? Why did she love me? What had I ever done to deserve it?

I don’t understand love. Even now, I don’t understand it. Some people say love is blind, but I think the total opposite. Love isn’t blind; it enables you to see the world, see a person, from an entirely different perspective. You no longer see the faults, the past mistakes, you only see what makes a person valuable—their very soul. You see their potential and their purpose for this life, although I’m not really sure if that’s what makes you love someone in the first place.

However, at that time, I did not even know this much about love. I had to take the time to see what Noin had shown me about it, and then everything added up and things clicked, but until then, I was left wondering. I stood and made my way to the middle of the shuttle, the living quarters. I changed out of my spacesuit into some more comfortable clothing, and then I checked the temperature to make sure that Noin wouldn’t get cold.

When I returned, I noticed that her neck looked like it was twisted at an uncomfortable angle. Quietly and gently, I undid the clasps and zippers on her spacesuit, revealing her green tank top and shorts. I pulled her arms out, and she leaned forward, falling against my chest. With one arm clasped firmly about her waist, I pulled her legs out of her suit and then I carried her back to her bed, only a few feet across from mine. She murmured slightly in her sleep as I carefully laid her on the bed, pulling the covers around her. I was leaning over, close enough to her lovely face to see the lines of fatigue and the dark circles under her eyes. I frowned, wondering why I hadn’t noticed before. I should have let her rest a few days before I hauled her out into space. She was always so strong for me. I couldn’t have fought that final battle against the Barton’s without her. But I could have at least let her rest afterwards!

Her eyes fluttered and I remembered my position and began to rise quickly, but she grasped my shirt loosely. Her eyes focused on mine. “Zechs?” she questioned.

I gazed at her, holding myself up with a hand next to her head. “I didn’t mean to wake you. Are you comfortable now?”

“Very,” she said, then blushed slightly.

It took me a moment to realize what she meant, but when I did, I backed away so that I was sitting on the side of the bed. I guess I felt more at ease pulling away from her, rather than letting something happen. It hurt to think that she might be waiting for me to make a move. But I thought that surely I never would, because I didn’t think it possible to act on feelings I didn’t even understand. Suddenly frustrated, I growled slightly, then blurted out, “You deserve so much better!” I was angry, angry with myself for being worthless, angry with her for insisting on coming, and angry with Mars for not being the type of place where she should live. I couldn’t look at her, couldn’t bear to see her reaction, whether she agreed or disagreed.

“What do you mean?” she asked, sitting up, trying to reach out to me, but I refused to look at her.

I turned my back to her, staring at my hands. My voice was vehement, “When we graduated, I thought you would become a great lieutenant, live in a beautiful house on Earth, take vacations in your beloved Space, and marry and have a family with the perfect man. And most of all, I thought you’d forget about me. I should never have let you go with me after the Gundams first came. I was so selfish.”

I felt her touch my shoulder tentatively. The bed creaked as she came to sit beside me. Just say something, Noin, I thought, anything! I turned again so that I could see her response. Suddenly, her slender arms were sliding around my neck, and she laid her head on my shoulder. Surprised, I brought my hands up, hovering over her shoulders in confusion. Finally, I decided to relax and let my hands smooth over her shoulders and down her back to settle on her waist. I felt my emotions change from anger to confusion, but I was definitely calmer. “Why are you doing this, Noin?” I asked, having nothing else to say.

“Because you needed it,” she answered, pulling away to see my face. Where was my mask when I needed it? I didn’t want her to know that what she said was true, but then again, she would have known anyway. She knew me so well. Then she said, “I don’t know how to put this, but I want you to get it into your thick skull that I want my life to be spent with you. Nothing else matters. Don’t you know that I—“ she lowered her eyes, then returned them to mine, clearly determined, “Don’t you know that I love you?” She paused and I said nothing, but oddly, my heart was slamming in my chest. I was hanging onto her every word. My eyes pleaded with her to go on. “The only thing I’ve never been confused about in my entire life is you. I knew the moment that I fell in love with you. I knew that even if I was unsure about your motives and whether you were doing the right thing, that I loved you. I counted the days, the hours that we were apart. My life’s purpose is wrapped up in you, and I don’t even want to try to unravel it. And please, don’t try to do it for me. I—I can’t explain everything, but . . .” she ended on a mournful tone, and I stood, crossing the small room, trying to get away from the sound that was only a moment ago so comforting, but now it tugged at my heartstrings.

I ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t want you to leave; I don’t want you to stay. I just know I can’t think straight until I have this settled.” I turned around to face her. “What do you want from me? Just tell me what you want, because I want to give you something to compensate, to . . . make you happy.”

She stood and came across the room. Angry tears coursed down her cheeks as she slapped me hard across the face. I lowered my head, silently agreeing that I deserved her scorn, but she spoke strongly, “Can’t you see I’m happy? You don’t have to give me anything! Just let me love you, damn it! Do you have to understand something to let it happen?”

“Yes! I want to understand you, us, myself!”

“Oh, Zechs,” she said compassionately, “Where do you get these preconceived notions about love? It doesn’t have to be perfect and clear right from the start. Just let it happen,” she whispered, pulling my head down to hers and pressing her lips softly against mine.

But as she started to draw away, I caught her arms and hauled her up against my chest, barely repressing a groan. It was crazy, and I didn’t understand it, but it felt so right! I ran my fingers through her short hair, at the same time deepening the kiss. She responded with a small whimper and gripped my arms unsteadily—clearly not the reaction she was expecting from me.

When I finally let her go, she took a step back, a dazed expression on her face. My eyes fell to her heaving chest, but then I quickly raised them again, making myself look at her face. As she nervously tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, she said, “Wh-why did you . . . ?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, but figured that for once I had let my heart dictate my actions.

There was an awkward silence in which I contemplated whether to kiss her again or voice the fact that I had no idea what was going on with us. I watched her take a seat on her bed, and she laughed slightly, saying, “For some reason I feel like yelling at you now, but then you only did what I told you. It’s just now I’m confused, too.”

Good, well I’d rather have us be confused together. “Noin,” I said, sitting next to her, “I have no idea what’s going to happen next, but just know that I’m glad to have you with me, even if you deserve better.”

“So is the matter settled enough for you now?” she asked, a hint of humor in her voice.

I laughed, “Hardly . . . I don’t know a thing about love.”

“I’ve been winging it, too, you know,” she said, but as I watched her say the words, my mind became preoccupied with her lips. I wondered if she would care if I kissed her again. But what she said next caught my attention. “Zechs, how do you feel about me?”

I sucked in a breath, a million thoughts streaming through my mind. She had asked me to consider something that I’d never let out of my subconscious. That whole time, I had been trying to reject her feelings because I thought I was unworthy. Then I wondered if, in reality, that had been selfish. Perhaps it was selfish to deny Noin’s legitimate feelings, even if I was trying to save her from wasting her time. I remembered then how often I considered Noin’s feelings, Noin’s safety, Noin’s comfort, Noin’s future, and the list continued on in the same fashion. But how could I voice all of this to her? I didn’t know if that meant I loved her or not. But I had to try my best, for both of our sake’s, to answer her. “Noin, I don’t know how it feels to love someone, but I know that you are so much more than a friend or a comrade to me.”

She smiled, and I felt my heart settle in relief. “Does that mean that—we—mmph“

However, she never finished because I had given into my desire to kiss her again, but she was quick to kiss me back wholeheartedly. Somehow, I knew that I had probably answered her question, anyway.
I still didn’t know what I was doing. Even now, on the unforgiving terrain of Mars, I sometimes think that Noin must be crazy to stay with me. Nevertheless, I’m not about to push her away. I want to know all there is to know about love, about the feelings that make you do crazy things for someone, and I can think of no one better to teach me then Noin . . . my lovely Lucrezia Noin.

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Love is not blind—it sees more, not less, but because it sees more, it is willing to see less.
-Rabbi Julius Gordon

Author’s Notes: Get this. I found that quote after I’d already written what Zechs had said to the same effect earlier in this story. Just thought that was kind of cool. Anyway, I love to write about these two, because I think Noin has such a great understanding of what really matters in life, and she knows what true love really is—unconditional. However, I can only go on the small clues that Gundam Wing provides about how Zechs feels, but I think that what I wrote is believable. Thanks so much for reading, and please review/email me with any comments or criticisms.

The End

Began August 2002
Finished September 2002

[Beck]

Ah yes, Zechs is such a confusing young man who not only confuses us, but he REALLY REALLY has a bad habit of confusing himself, especially when it comes to feelings. Perhaps after that explosion at the end of the series kinda knocked a bit of sense into that hard headed brain of his since he did act a bit different on EW. Good for Noin though, smacking him to make him quit questioning everything.

Anyway, I love to write about these two, because I think Noin has such a great understanding of what really matters in life, and she knows what true love really is?unconditional. However, I can only go on the small clues that Gundam Wing provides about how Zechs feels, but I think that what I wrote is believable.

As much as I do like Noin, I pity her many a times how she's so stuck on her feelings with Zechs when he's playing dense to everything. I liked the part during the Victoria base masacre and Zechs was so concered on Noin's health when they brought her damaged MS back. He still needs a good asskicking though.

All in all, to get back to the fic, was done very well to both characters parts.

[Calla Lily]

Hmm, it seems like Beck has taken all the words away...
And so all I have left to offer is my congradulations to you. This was well done.

[Icy Discordia]

^_^ this is great. Zechs really is a dope about this stuff. Everytime I watch Noin make her pretty, romantic speech in EW, I end up throwing something at the screen at Zechs' response. He's a true romantic retard. And you're right about Noin having her priorities straight. It's one of the reasons this is my favorite anime couple, her unwavering (but not blind) devotion to him. Loved it, thanks! 6x9 forever!

[Oyuki]

i must agree with beck. i feel sorry for noin because she's so devoted to someone who has so many goals and things going on that he doesn't really see what is right in front of him. he's very... i don't know... see? he confused me just now! good story. i liked how noin gave her explanations.

[LilTrix]

Awww...I thought that this was a very cute fic. But I must say that Zechs can be a little--for lack of a better word--clueless. I admire Noin though for her love, devotion, and most importantly, patience with Zechs. Great fic!!!