Blissful Ignorance

Title: So Far Away
Author: the Black Rose
Archive: Blissful Ignorance
Pairing: 1+R (Heero + Relena)
Warnings: Angst? Sap? NOT BETA READ! (eeep! Run away!!!)
Author's Notes: This is a piece that's been sitting on a floppy disk for a while. I wrote it in response to someone's fic a loooooooooong time ago (on an open GW mailing list) where Heero asked Relena to let him go. It's not been beta read, really, so if you'd like to leave feedback, I'd like to know about how the emotion comes across (or if it does at all).

Thanks so much for reading!

Love,
Rose

PS - it IS an older fic, so my apologies in advance for it not being very good.

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So Far Away
by the Black Rose

Heero?s POV


The Earth?.

It still seems so far away. Amazing how the lighted orb appears to glow brighter now, now that the war is over and there is finally?.peace. The adrenaline that last battle had running through my veins has finally subsided, and I am left with the release, and the emptiness that comes from realizing my role is over. I am no longer of any use. I am a soldier when there are no more battles, a killer when there is no more war.

The icy coolness of the window glass on this observation deck of the large ship bringing us back to Earth soaks through the flesh of my palm, penetrating to my blood. The others are celebrating in a boisterous fashion, in another room down the hall. I can hear their laughter, their relief echoing in my mind; but I take no pleasure in it. The congratulations and words of thankfulness uttered when I returned seem somehow hollow; the locked room they keep those emotions in, I have no key to. I never did. I feel sorely out of place there. I feel out of place even in this emptiness peering out into the blackness of space, only illuminated by the jeweled stars and the now-peaceful Earth. I am a hero forgotten, one who should have never worn the badge in the first place. I saved the Earth, but it was never my home.

I can feel the steady vibration of the ship underneath my feet, and hear the soft hum of the powerful engines propelling us through eternal darkness. But it all seems so surreal. This life, the fact that I am still alive feels strangely amiss. The others feel it, too, I think, they shut me out and throw their parties of which I play no part. They care only for my deeds, but my actions do not define the man.

I blink and look at my reflection in the glass, reassuring myself that I am still of flesh and blood and not an apparition haunting a ghostly ship. I am real.

My future, once written in bloodshed and death, is suddenly uncertain. I survived. I should have died in that last battle, and perhaps a part of me is gone. Maybe that is the emptiness I feel inside. I have been training almost as far back as I can remember for this day, and now that it is finally here, I am without purpose. I have no one to define my missions for me. I have no more missions, no reason to rise in the morning, no reason to defy death to live another day.

I am lost again and there will be no one to take me in this time. The Earth, now that it has found its peace, will go on without me once again. The universe has already forgotten its child, not caring if he should find a home.

Why won?t someone just tell me which way is the path to take me home?

I feel anger rise within me like the bitter taste of bile in my mouth. With all the blood I?ve spilt for others, have I not atoned for that which stains my hands? If I could have given my life, I would have! But fate defies me and leaves me to rot forgotten in a universe that does not care. It mocks me in this accursed form, preventing my escape, damning me to uselessness and this infernal emptiness that consumes me. I feel only numbness as my knuckles glance off the unyielding glass that keeps the void of space at bay along this mostly-silent journey.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I hear the soft shush of the door opening behind me and turn to face her. I knew she would come, had hoped she would and dreaded her likely presence at the same time. I barely am able to complete the movement before I am engulfed in her strong but delicate arms. It feels strange to hold her close, this fragile girl that clutches the future like she grips the front of my flight suit in her long and nimble fingers.

My battle is over, but hers has just begun.

She has a purpose now; she never lived until this moment. I pull her closer breathing in the warmth she brings to the barren desert inside me. Damnation and this accursed form seem somehow not as harsh with her arms around me, her voice whispering words of fear and comfort at the same time. She does not congratulate me, she is not thankful for anything except my arms around her, my cheek resting lightly on the silky crown of her golden hair. She is only thankful I am alive.

She pulls away and stares up at me, and I am suddenly reminded of our exchange before the last battle. I was not supposed to return and see those eyes - measuring and sizing me up. I had already laid my heart bare before her, and I feel just as naked now beneath her probing gaze. She smiles, the concern she held for me still evident in those innocent blue eyes. She is so full of life, so unafraid of living. I could curse her or hold her again; I am never certain which would be correct. Perhaps those eyes hold the answers I am searching for?

I can almost hear my heart form hope for a moment, that I could learn, that she could teach me, how to live in this strange new world that glows so brightly from afar. But before it could cure the emptiness that fills my chest, hope is brutally ripped away, another casualty, another unwanted child aborted before it had a chance to live.

?It?s for the best, Heero. You should see for yourself this new world of peace you helped create,? she says, interrupting the silence that stretches so long between us.

Anger quickens the beat of my heart; betrayal fills the void the endless battles have left within. She doesn?t want me either. Why not? How can the world already turn its back on its saviors? She turns from me the way I feel the universe turn beneath my feet and starts to walk away. So simple, so easy it is for her to leave me behind. The one she once claimed gave her strength, the one she once sought across the globe; she tosses me aside. I have served all her purposes, too, it seems, for she refuses to give me a mission, a reason to live. I have shed my blood for her, given her my life, laid bare my heart, and once again met the unyielding door that closes and locks in the emptiness that threatens to suffocate me. She has a life to go to, what do I have?

And then I hear it, the soft sound of a choked cry echoing in the metallic darkness? She has stopped walking towards the door, frozen in her tracks with her back facing me to where I cannot see what it is she is trying to say. Without a second thought, I instinctively move to her, her tears striking a chord within that force my legs to journey to her side. I turn her around and cannot help looking deep into her eyes.

?I don?t want you to go,? she admits before dissolving into broken sobs within the circle of my arms.

I just hold her in a moment that seems like eternity and all too short at the same time. I stroke her hair in a comforting gesture, but does she really need me to soothe away her tears? To scare away her fears? Or are those pain-filled drops of water meant to ease my lost and aimless soul? I rest my cheek on the top of her head and close my eyes, relishing the feeling of emotion running through my heart instead of just the void that fills and empties out my insides.

And while listening to the soft melody of her cries, I am flooded with understanding. She isn?t turning me away; she is opening the cage that has held me prisoner for all my days. She is breaking her own heart to sever the chains I have worn until this moment on my destiny. I am no longer lost in a constant night, but free to find my own way?.

?You have always been stronger than me,? I whisper softly before letting her go. I feel the sting of icy winter leave my chest, but though I start my journey I have not yet found my way. Purposefully, I stride towards the door, taking one last glance behind me before I leave her there ? the girl that gave her heart to all the world so they could have hope.

She meets my gaze and I nod my thanks to her; I can see the sun emerge from behind the planet that now lies in wait for my return. Neither of us know where our paths shall take us, or if we should meet again.


I do not know where life will take me, only that I hold it in my hand for the first time in my experience. And if I cannot find a better way, at least I know there is a place where hope and love are waiting for me, to welcome me with open arms.

A place to call home.





I know that our paths will one day cross again?1

I promise to protect you?2

I will not be long after you?3


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Author?s Notes: The last three lines have not happened at the time of this piece, obviously ? they happened after. It is my intention that if you were to actually imagine this taking place after the battle and before the teddy bear scene at the end, those are not really thoughts in Heero?s head, but rather premonitions, if you will, of the future. Just chalk it up to me and my sappy romanticism.




1 ? From the Blind Target Radio Drama.
2 ? From the Blind Target Radio Drama.
3 ? From the Endless Waltz Novelization.

Rose! *glomp* I'm happy to see you are back among the forums! We we're missing you. But you have totally redeemed yourself with this wonderful story. And it was deliciously good, with a flowing, dreamy style that I really like.

Let's see, major points. I liked the fact that Heero and Relena weren't throwing bricks of concrete at each other. From the summary I was expecting it to be angst-filled where as it seemed full of hope to me. Very nice. The end of one story and the beginning of another.

Heero's POV was a plus. Not many of those floating around, probably because the majority of 1xR writers are female and we can only write what we know or think we know. ^_^

Thing that made me the happiest was the three lines at the end. I'm not sure why, but they speak to me alot. Very deep and foreshadowing and touching. There is something very noble about them and I'm glad you included them.

All in all, Rose, I was impressed, but then I shouldn't be surprised at any of your miraclous works. They are all lovely. Please continue writing and I hope to see you around this place more often!

*huggles*
Berry

Don't get mad at me, it's not an insult. but i can definitly tell that this is an earlier and un-beta read work. There are simply components in it that i know would not be found in any of your more recent works, and i think that is a great testament to how much you improve! I'm not saying it's crap, believe me! I liked it, thought it was a very good beginning (whether or not you ever give it an end), and it had some very nice interpretations. the Angst and Sap warning at the beginning kinda threw me, because I didn't think there was too much of either. To me it seemed a lot more clean cut, whatever that means...but it did seem straight forward in a way. Yeah, i'm probably not making any sense, blame the german. Anyway, the entire point to this was that i think you should go through and edit it by yourself, and then send it to a beta reader if you so choose. I think you'll probably be able to take care of a lot of it, though. Once again, i don't think it's crap, and i'm not trying to be a snob, i just know you can write better by comparison and it will be good for you if you can go through and make the changes, since they are mostly stylistic. God, i hope i'm not coming off like a jerk. Righto, toodles!

~Tsukiyo

PS- i really did like it!

Goldberry wrote:Rose! *glomp* I'm happy to see you are back among the forums! We we're missing you.

Well, Stella and I have been trying to get a screenplay together for Project Greenlight. It's a tough deadline, and right now, we've only got 2 weeks left. We're very excited about it, though.

But you have totally redeemed yourself with this wonderful story. And it was deliciously good, with a flowing, dreamy style that I really like.

Ack! I needed redeeming! (can't imagine THIS would redeem me, but, uh, okay Berry-chan, THANKS! )

Let's see, major points. I liked the fact that Heero and Relena weren't throwing bricks of concrete at each other.

Well, from those low standards.... When do I write that?

From the summary I was expecting it to be angst-filled where as it seemed full of hope to me. Very nice. The end of one story and the beginning of another.

Oh fine. I know I suck at angst, but just rub it in why don't ya? I wanted it to be sad in a way, but hopeful in another. I'm glad you got that impression.

Heero's POV was a plus. Not many of those floating around, probably because the majority of 1xR writers are female and we can only write what we know or think we know. ^_^

I dunno, maybe it's that I've been doing this too long, but being inside Heero's head isn't so difficult anymore. ALTHOUGH, the times I get chewed up and spit out are the times I try to look at him in a slightly altered perspective. *sigh* I'm glad you thought this was in-character (or at least not far off).

Thing that made me the happiest was the three lines at the end. I'm not sure why, but they speak to me alot. Very deep and foreshadowing and touching. There is something very noble about them and I'm glad you included them.

Thank you! I love those quotes, too. I think they are all of those qualities - noble, touching...the end of the story in the way that it symbolizes a continuation to their story. They'll go on, and they'll love each other, and in the end, they have a connection that can't be broken.

All in all, Rose, I was impressed, but then I shouldn't be surprised at any of your miraclous works.

Miraculous???? O_o Er..miraculous I can string 2 sentences together sometimes, or miraculous I finished something - oh! I know, miraculous it was short, right? Ah ha, gotcha.

But thank you for the very nice compliment. (I'll send your check later)

*hugs*

Love,
Rose

Tsukiyo wrote:Don't get mad at me, it's not an insult.

I'm not going to get mad at you. I did spend half the morning trying to figure out why your post caused replies to stop working. O_o You just HAD to have German selected.... It's fixed, now, by-the-way. So, you should be able to get most everything in German, now.

but i can definitly tell that this is an earlier and un-beta read work.

Heh, she bought my excuses....

I liked it, thought it was a very good beginning (whether or not you ever give it an end), and it had some very nice interpretations.

END? Er...kinda cheapens it to give it an end, doesn't it? Because I'm trying to pass this off as deep and insightful, giving it a less-thought-out "end" would ruin it. Giving it an "end", I think leaves it less open to interpretation....And interpretation is, in my opinion, one of the better parts OF this piece. It ended with her letting him go, and the old addage about if you love something, set it free. If it's meant to be, they will return. And since he DOES return in EW, since the are things AFTER - the 3 lines at the end - happen, it answers it's own question. She sets him free and he returns.

Anyway, the entire point to this was that i think you should go through and edit it by yourself,

I have edited it. And gone over it, and re-edited it. A long time ago, I let a couple of people read over it. They made a few suggestions, I fixed them. Re-edited it before I posted. The point is...I don't think it's a very good piece, and so there's no amount of editing and/or beta-ing that really will fix it. So, unless someone else reading this has ideas I'm missing at this point in time, I have zilcho in the way of inspiration on how to really redeem it. It's anti-climactic, I'm sure. But it's not supposed to be overly dramatic. It was emotional, a piece that was trying to see inside Heero's mind after the battle and maybe how it came to be that he and Relena said their "goodbyes" for the time being. Maybe it could be referred to as a "slice of life" piece?


When I have more time, I'll give it another look. I appreciate your honesty, and certainly am not mad. *hugs*

Love,
Rose

^_^ What a lovely story. I love 1xR but I agree that it was probably a good choice at the time to tell Heero that he needed to discover the world himself, right after the series. I'm finally getting caught up with all the new stories, so please be patient! (And I will keep posting Dreams as well ^^; )

^.^ Angelic