Desires of the Heart 22

[zapenstap]

My, it's getting long! Okay, for those of you who
forget what has happened or for those of you who may
be interested by haven't read the beginning and don't
feel like it, here's a summary of events so far:

Summary: Heero decides to date Relena. They go out,
they become a couple, things progress physically into
sexual relations but emotionally on different levels.
Thinking they're on the same page, Relena falls in
love with Heero but feels that something is wrong when
he doesn't open up to her. In chapter 20, Heero
reveals to Relena that he does not love her.
Broken-hearted, Relena cries herself into a puddle
only to call Heero up again and ask him to a
party-thing that she has to go to. She's still in
love with him and is determined to have him in her
life somehow even if he's not her lover. And now for
the party...


Desires of the Heart

Chapter 22

By Zapenstap


Relena?s gown was made of a cream-colored peau de soie satin that flowed from her bust to her matching open-toed heeled shoes in one continuous piece. A beautifully pleated neckline covered her in the front, but there was virtually no back, and the thin, rhinestone studded straps did little to hide her shoulders. The straight skirt was perfectly lined to follow her curves down to her feet. Every movement of her body created a ripple in the fabric that resulted in a subtle flash as the satin caught the light.

Her jewelry was borrowed from a jewelry store for the occasion, donated because of who-she-was. The choker around her neck sported a three diamond drop that dazzled the eye and the matching earrings looked like frosted icicles. Her hair was up, piled and sprayed in an elaborate mixture of curls and twists and appropriate hanging strands that framed her face but bared her neck for everyone to see. Her makeup was perfect; her lips and eyes and skin glistening and sparkling in all the right places, not overdone, but eye-catching and memorable.

She wandered aimlessly through her house, glancing at her reflection in the window to make sure everything was just as it should be. Her hands trailed affectionately on the familiar things in her house; the furniture, the mantle, the picture frames and blown glass figures on her shelves. Her thoughts rolled, soared and dived in continuous motion, rising and falling with the beat of her heart.

Heero was her escort and date tonight, despite the face that he had broken her heart. She wanted to look good for him and was not ashamed to admit it. She wanted him to want her like he had never wanted her before. She wasn?t sure why she wanted it. She had reasoned to herself the facts of the situation, knew she should be trying to let him go. After all, if he didn?t love her he didn?t love her and that?s all there was to it, and yet a childish part of her wanted to make him sorry for not loving her, if not to win him over entirely.

She wished she could just shove him aside and move on, but she couldn?t. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw his face. His words repeated softly in her ears.

She stopped with her hand on the wall and clenched her fist to keep the emotions from welling up in her eyes and spoiling her makeup. How was it possible that one person could do this to her, that love could do this to her? Why did it have to be so hard?

?It?s my fault,? she reminded herself aloud so it would have more force. She hung her head slightly, clenching her eyes shut. ?He never told me it was going to be love. I let myself believe?? Her pep talk was only making herself feel worse.

Wiping her eyes, she moved to position herself in front of the window and stared at her reflection. Fixing the smudges in her make up and adjusting her hair helped calm her down.

?Perhaps this is a mistake,? she said to her reflection, but was answered only by the somber expression in her face.

Mistake or not, she knew that inviting Heero was something she had had to do. She had to go to this party and she didn?t want to take anyone else. She couldn?t imagine any other man in her life. Besides, she wanted to see him. No matter how much she cried over Heero, she couldn?t make herself forget him and his continuing vigilance inside her head made it impossible to do anything except want to see him. She wanted to see him even if it hurt enough to make her sick. She just had to remember that they could not be lovers and get over her feelings for him. That was all there was to it. She could do it. She knew she could. If nothing else, perhaps they could be friends.

The knock at her door startled her out of her thoughts. She jumped a little, goose bumps pebbling her skin as she lifted a hand to her throat. It was unusual for Heero to be early. Her reaction to knowing he was just outside her door was not one with which she had prepared herself to cope. Butterflies cavorted in her stomach. She felt slightly warm. Then sick. Her skin was flushed. The sudden and overwhelming desire for sex threatened to knock her off her feet.

She stared at the door in amazement, and then felt the diamonds at her throat. If she pressed against them hard enough, they hurt. They were real. Her emotions were just feelings, and she could change them or ignore them and put them under her control. Besides, she looked stunning. Heero would think so too. Tonight they would be on equal playing fields, knowing better where one another stood. This time she wasn?t going to cry and run off. She would use this time with him to communicate. She knew that with time she could change the way she felt, to come to grips with the knowledge that they were no longer together and accept him in her life as just Heero. The very thought hurt, but she was strong and she could do it. Tonight she would play it cool, friendly, and remind herself it wasn?t the end of the world, just the end of a romantic relationship.

A second knock followed the first.

?Coming,? she called out, and checked her hair one last time for stray strands and her make-up for smudges. Everything was perfect.

Relena strode confidently to the door, enjoying the alluring swish swish of her gown as the fabric rippled and rubbed against itself with the motion of her legs. She let the sensation bring to her face the smile of happiness and optimism that she would cling to if all else failed. As a politician used to controlling her emotional reactions in more dire situations than this, she should have nothing to fear.

Opening the door brought the butterflies back, along with all her caged desires.

Heero stood expectantly?and beautifully, on her doorstep. Dressed in a black and white centennial tuxedo, rented no doubt from a shop, was a man who both accentuated and clashed with his costume. The ex-soldier turned gentleman looked up at her from under his hair and his eyes locked onto her in a sharp, penetrating, almost threatening stare that made her fear him and love him in the same thudding heartbeat. It was the way he looked when they had met at Saint Gabrielle?s Institute after their contact on the beach, only now she knew him so much better. . The walls that had protected him were pierced, the defenses burrowed under, at least partially, and the attack in his eyes failed to frighten her. Instead she felt like he was driving into her soul, and she falling into his and the memory of their wilder, more desperate lovemaking exploded in her head without rhyme or reason. Her breath caught, her tongue faltered, and she found herself trembling. She wanted desperately to kiss him

His fingers brushed against her hand.

?Are you okay?? he asked.

She started, pulling her hand away from the doorknob. It was such a strange thing to say with his eyes on her like that, that it took her a moment to understand. She didn?t think he noticed what his eyes did to her. He was asking her well-being under the circumstances.

?I?m doing all right,? she replied. It wasn?t entirely truthful, but it would be immature to say anything else. She tried to tell herself that it wasn?t his fault that he didn?t love her the way she loved him, but her stubborn, wounded heart wouldn?t believe it.

?Come on,? he said, offering her his arm. ?We should go.?

Some people would think of Heero as rude. It never crossed her mind.

She stared at his arm for a moment, and then at his face. He was so beautiful. Her lover? her date? A whirlwind of needy, vulnerability swept through her. She wanted? She broke under a sudden wave of need and vulnerability. She asked before she thought. ?Heero, will you kiss me??

He seemed momentarily surprised, but then masked it as he leaned in to kiss her. Her lips were sticky from her lip gloss and she barely felt his alight upon them. She knew the moment his lips touched hers that it was their last kiss. There was pain in it, a swift pain in him and a long, aching pain in her that made them both turn their faces away as soon as it was over.

She didn?t know what to say. She was too ashamed to apologize for having asked and not sure she could laugh it off as a joke. She didn?t even think about why he agreed. She just wanted to feel normal again. She wanted to die.

?Let?s go,? he repeated, and pulled her gently down the steps by her elbow.

Heero drove Relena to the party mostly in silence at first as she coped with her feelings of shame and regret. Knowing it would make him uncomfortable to see her depressed, she managed to tuck the negative feelings away and smile.

He looked at her askance when she did. ?So what?s this party about??

She told him about the party, about who would be there and what they could expect in terms of lighting and champagne and dancing and food. It was a large promotional party held for the opening of the Sank Kingdom embassy building. It was not supposed to be a political party, though politics would inevitably creep in. It was meant as a welcoming reception and community strengthener for political leaders and activists with ties to Sank who were working together despite widely varying opinions on current governmental issues and projects. It would be big and glossy and expensive, but well catered and there was no obligation to stay all night. As she talked, smiling and chatting and keeping her hands still in her lap and her emotions composed, Heero relaxed and stopped staring at her as if trying to bore a hole through her skull. His posture became easy, his expression devoid of conflict. It was almost like he didn?t realize that she was still hurt under her smile and choice of neutral topics.

?We?ll have to dance,? she added, ?just to be seen as sociable. A lot of people will have their eye on me. Do you mind??

?No,? he said. ?We can dance as much as you want. I like dancing with you?

She lowered her head and forced a trifling smile, though the sentiment pricked her like a pin. It needled under her skin, striking a spot still sore from the wounds he had inflicted when he told her he didn?t love her. He liked dancing with her, but?. She felt numb inside. Perhaps someday he would realize? No, she mustn?t think like that.

?Relena,? Heero said without taking his eyes off the road, ?Don?t be like that. I didn?t mean to hurt you. I don?t want you to be hurt.?

?I?m fine,? she said. She lifted her head. She wasn?t sure if she had meant him to notice her pain. Maybe she had wanted to grieve a little in his presence. But maybe that was being childish. To counteract it, she turned to smile at him so at least he wouldn?t be upset, and hoped that putting a smile on her face would make her feel better on the inside as well. ?It?s okay, really,? she said in her most convincing tone. ?I know this is just casual. Please don?t feel uncomfortable on my account. I?m fine. We?ll just be friends tonight.? ?and always perhaps, to her regret and trepidation, but she kept the bitterness back.

?I don?t want to lose you as a friend,? he said seriously. When he smiled at her, she actually felt a little better, as if everything really was okay.

Parking was valet. Heero left his keys and a threatening glare with the nineteen year-old boy that was to park his car and held out his arm for Relena at the bottom of the embassy steps. The outside of the building was crawling with security?which Relena supposed Heero had noticed and intently evaluated already?and though the gray cement walls of the government complex did not look very welcoming, the golden glow illuminating the windows from inside looked more promising. As Heero and Relena climbed side by side up the wide, cement steps, mindful of the security guards flagging them by the outer rails, the social buzz emanating from inside the open doors grew. They were welcomed personally at the door by greeters in formal array that recognized Relena by sight and Heero by Relena?s invitation and word of mouth.

?Heero Yuy. A pleasure to have a gundam pilot. Miss Darlian, always a pleasure.?

Relena nodded and smiled, not needing to hand over her invitation to be allowed admittance. Heero said nothing, but his eyes seemed to watch everything. With a pang of quiet loss, Relena recalled that Heero would always act as her protector on instinct, and perhaps never desire anything more. And then they entered.

As she had forewarned Heero, the party glittered from floor to ceiling in a room that?removed of all its furniture?hosted several hundred people with ample room to spare. They were neither early nor late, arriving just as the atmosphere began to bubble like the froth in the champagne. Relena was momentarily swarmed as soon as she was recognized. Somewhat surprisingly, so was Heero. His identity seemed to known to the people present at this party and he was greeted honorably as a war hero, though people generally resisted talking about the war in situations such as these. Relena knew she had to let him handle the attention on his own. Ignoring Heero as politely as she could, Relena laughed and smiled and put on her usual public sparkle as she greeted dignitaries, politicians, leading lobbyists and a host of other names and faces, some she knew personally, some she knew by association and some she had never heard of in her life. Heero endured a similar bombardment with less practice, but considerable grace. He stood straight without fidgeting and answered questions politely, though with few words, and though he didn?t smile at strangers, he managed not to glare. When Relena caught glimpses of him, she felt her heart swell with pride, and wondered at her audacity.

Eventually the tide lessened as those who wanted a word with Relena Darlian got it and other important people began arriving. Nevertheless, she was separated from Heero for almost the first half hour of the party, chatting with lobbyists who wanted to talk politics at every opportunity. She noticed that the men around her were all old or married or unattractive, which left her feeling disappointed in the sense that she could not at least pretend to be over Heero by flirting, but the attention of her position took away the sting and she let herself revel in being an ?important person? who made a daily difference in the world. Truth to tell, she had been lucky with Heero; her work life had been in a lull for the last year or so. When things picked up again, she probably wouldn?t have time for a boyfriend.

It was a thought that tasted bitterer than she would have liked.

When her scene in the spotlight was over, her attendants having moved on to other important guests, she found she had been swept a dozen yards away from where she had begun and into the middle of the party. The first thing she did was search the room for Heero.

Tables robed in white and piled high with silver platters overflowing with fruits, hors d'oeuvres and desserts offered a tempting location to hover and mingle. Up front, a live classical ensemble played a waltz to which a few couples had begun to dance on the enormous polished wood floor. The women competed with each other in gowns that glittered, flashed, sparkled and exposed in varying degrees of elegance and decency. The men complimented their partners in tuxes of varying styles.

Heero stood out.

Even trying to blend in, he stood out, especially to Relena?s eyes. He stood off by himself, a glass of champagne in his hand, looking around with an affronting hawk-like observance while trying to appear nondescript. A face and form that mysterious and that attractive could never hide in a crowd, though. He looked gorgeous in a tux. The crisp black of his coat and the polish of the turned collar made the dark blue in his eyes almost magnetic. Her heart plunged to the beat pathetically at the level of her shoes as she stared at him.

Relena wasn?t the only young girl circumspectly looking his way either, but she tried to ignore the other girls. Maybe Heero wasn?t hers any longer, but he had come with her to this party. They would only talk and eat and dance and then go home as friends. Though she would still wish to have him more in her life, she could accept that. She told herself so, anyway.

Setting her shoulders back, she made her way over to him, crossing the dance floor with a smile that she hoped made her glow with a desirable light. Heero looked up as she came near, and smiled back at her in a way that made her feel like she was beautiful and yet, there was an underlying diffidence in it that panged her. He knew she was beautiful? and that?s all there was to it.

She wanted nothing more than to consume him and be consumed by him in comparison.

When she was close enough, she fell to touching him against her will. She wanted something of him to hold onto. Her hand was drawn to his arm, her fingers driven to clasp his sleeve and crunch the material between her fingers. When she realized what she was doing, she smoothed it out again?any excuse to touch him longer?and then hovered by his side, aching to feel his arm around her and repulsed at herself for wanting it so much. How could she still be so duped by her feelings as to want him to hold her and possess her? He didn?t love her. He didn?t love her. He didn?t love her.

Deliberately she stepped back a little, smiling and making it seem as if she had merely caught herself against him and then straightened his coat. She could feel his eyes on her but refused to meet them, afraid that he would sense the chaos in her soul.

Standing there by his side, neither touching nor talking, she wondered if he was going to offer to get her some champagne or ask her to dance. When she finally lifted her head to look at him, all he did was stand there, sipping his glass and staring straight ahead as she hovered at his arm, almost like they weren?t in the same company. It smote.

?Heero,? she began. She would not cry!

He turned to look at her when she spoke and she wondered if maybe she had misjudged his inattention. Perhaps he was just being Heero again, watching everything around him, always on the job. She wished she knew what he was thinking about. The question was poised on the tip of her tongue, but she schooled herself not to ask.

?Have you spoken to Mandred recently?? she asked instead.

He blinked at her, as if he knew full well that that wasn?t the question she really cared about and that she was just trying to initiate some kind of interaction with him.

?No,? he said. ?We?re not getting along at the moment.? He looked away from her as if it didn?t matter. Maybe it didn?t.

She frowned at him, but he didn?t say anything more. She couldn?t think of anything Heero could say that would make Mandred angry enough to stop speaking to him, but from Heero?s expression and the tone of his voice, that?s what it sounded like.

?Oh,? she replied. ?I?m sorry to hear that.?

She wondered if they had argued about her. A little part of her momentarily felt soothed at the thought that Mandred might have taken her side. But then she felt bad that she should even think there were sides, or celebrate that someone moderately close to Heero would take hers at his expense. Still, even though she didn?t particularly feel that Heero had ever mistreated her, a part of her liked the idea that someone else would think so and defend her. Of course, that was probably not what happened.

?Does Mandred know about us?? she asked, knowing she was being intrusive but unable to stop herself. If she saw him, she wanted to know if he knew?

?He was interfering too much,? Heero said. He wasn?t looking at her. His eyes were focused on something far away and out of reach.

His reply seemed out of context. Was he even listening to anything she said? ?With us??

?With my life in general.?

In his usual way, Heero didn?t elaborate, but Relena felt what he meant without having to ask. Mandred only came around to check up on Heero every so often these days, in response to some kind of responsibility he felt to the war orphan who had piloted the Wing Gundam. Mandred had not had any part in designing the gundam or in its use in the war after it was built, but he had been involved in the tempering of the alloys or something that brought him in contact with Heero at a very young age. He rediscovered the pilot-to-be after the war was over and took him in for a short time when he had no where to go and was living by drifting from place to place and had since acted as a professional reference if Heero ever needed one, helping him to do mundane things like buying a house and setting up legitimate accounts in a world where he no longer needed to be a ghost. Though it was generous on Mandred?s part?who was often away and generally busy?Relena could see why Heero might feel resentful. After all, Heero had survived a war that had nearly buried his humanity and broken his soul. How could Mandred really relate to that?

But then, how can I?

It was an ironic thought, but nothing she had not thought about before. Relena knew what she wanted and had believed in it. She had persisted to discover Heero?s heart despite his repetitive inferences that it was beyond her. Her interest in Heero as a person as well as his life experiences drove her to try to relate, to understand him as well as she was able and act in a manner that would be a credit to him. In a very real way, it was because of Heero that she was at this party tonight. He had made her who she was.

And now it seemed he could care less about her.

?I would like a drink,? she said, partly to change the topic and partly because she really felt she needed one. Heero glanced at her and then left her side in silence to flag down a waiter carrying a tray of champagne.

Relena took deep breaths in his absence, strengthening the remaining walls around her soul and trying to remind herself of where she was and what she was about. They were just here as friends. He was doing it as a favor to her. She had to just stop feeling so very personal about everything.

Heero left his empty glass with one of the waiters and took another for himself as well as one for her. Relena waited with her arms crossed, watching him and wondering why all she wanted to do was put her arms around him. What was wrong with her? He was distant toward her. Why couldn?t she let him go?

Heero handed her a glass of champagne and she drank it too fast, drowning her thoughts and emotions in the bubbly liquid as she tried not to think of kissing Heero and running her hands through his hair and leaning up against his chest just to be close to his heart and surrounded by his strength. She felt like a real fool and knowing it didn?t seem to help.

?Don?t drink that so fast,? he said, and as he reached for her glass, his knuckles brushed up against her chin.

She choked down a sob and swallowed the champagne in her mouth.

?Have you eaten anything tonight?? he asked her.

?It?s just one glass,? she said coolly. ?I?m fine.?

He didn?t say anything.

Actually, she felt a little dizzy, but most of it was her imagination. Really, it was only one glass or champagne and it would take more than that to affect her. Still, she almost wished she was drunk. If she was drunk, maybe she could say all the things she hadn?t said yet to Heero. She could tell him how much she loved him?really explain it?and how hurt she was that he would lead her on for so long, making her feel used and foolish and ruined. But she didn?t want to look like anymore of a fool and she knew that Heero scorned people who drank to drunkenness. Heero had a high opinion of himself and his ability to perform to the utmost potential of a human being of anytime. He was strange when it came to things like that. Why did she even love him?

?Let?s dance,? Heero said.

She straightened, turning to look at him as he looked out at the dance floor. ?Really?? she asked.

He smiled at her, a fond, cherishing smile that caught her heart and made her doubt everything for a moment. When he held out his arm, she took it, smiling genuinely as he led her out to the dance floor. Her head had gone from despair to aspiration as she floated in a dreamy haze beside her protector and?friend.

Walking beside Heero amongst all those people, many of them couples, made her feel like she was the center of attention even if she was not. Heero was beautiful and strong and beside him she really felt like the princess he believed to be worthy of his protection. In that way, she would always belong to him and he would always be hers, though maybe not in all the ways she wanted. Still, that much alone made her feel like it was all worth it, just to be somewhere in his limelight.

She received many admiring looks from the other dancing couples and bystanders as Heero led her out to the middle of the floor and guided her in front of him so he could put his hand on her waist. The material of her dress was not thick enough to block out the sensation of his hand on her body, the warmth and pressure of his skin caused spots of color to bloom in her cheeks. She was conscious of people watching, imagining the envy of other girls and the speculation of the curious. It wasn?t necessary for anybody to know anything detailed about it, of course. Rumor about herself and Heero had always existed and had always been just that: rumor. Some people were privileged to the details of their relationship, but generally speaking both she and Heero were conservative, private people.

When they danced, she could almost forget her unhappiness. Heero was a good dancer, though she couldn?t fathom how he had become so, and yet, he would have been better if his heart was in it. At first, dancing with him felt like flying, but as the song continued she realized that he wasn?t focusing on her, and indeed, seemed to have erected a wall between them. They didn?t talk, nor joke, nor flirt, and they certainly didn?t hold each other close and whisper soft, adoring words in rhythm to the music. His hands remained still on her body, almost stiff, and his eyes never landed on her for more than a few seconds. A year ago, she would have thought it was progress. But now? it felt like being pushed off a cliff.

The song ended and they stopped. Relena let her hands fall to her sides. She was resplendent in her gown, but Heero ignored her as soon as they stopped moving and she suddenly felt ugly. Holding her head high, her mind struggled to give him the benefit of the doubt?she was always giving him the benefit of the doubt?when the people around them started moving, chatting, laughing and socializing as people always did at the end of a dance.

And before Relena knew it, Heero was talking to other girls.

There were two and Relena didn?t recognize either of them, but she hated both them on sight. They were both beautiful, each in a different way, and neither looked to have anything wrong with her. One was a slender red-head with a dazzling smile and an easy-going personality that sparkled right out of her eyes. The other was a voluptuous blonde that seemed to be everything Relena was only better. Neither Heero nor the girls precisely flirted, but they smiled and laughed and asked Heero who he was and how he was enjoying the party and were also sure to tell him who they were (daughters of important people, it seemed) and what they thought of the party.

No one looked at Relena. Heero didn?t mention her and he didn?t look her way. The girls did not appear to notice they were together if they noticed her at all. There was nothing about Heero?s expression or his speech that indicated any particular interest in either girl, but he did not brush them off or glare like he would normally in a social situation either, and when the redhead asked if he wouldn?t mind a dance, he didn?t refuse. Perhaps he thought it would have been impolite, but Relena felt her throat clench up. When the music started, he offered her his arm while the blonde found another partner. They began to dance, the redhead smiling and Heero minding his steps, his hand on another girl?s waist now? He didn?t even look at her!

Relena waited for a minute, maybe two, waiting for him to look at her and see the brokenness in her face, the outrage and hurt and confusion and jealousy that threatened to overwhelm and drag her under, but he never glanced her way. Standing alone when everyone else had a partner, she might have been a piece of furniture on the dance floor. She couldn?t think about dancing with someone else anyway. She was in love with Heero. It was certain, too, that other people had noticed, had seen her expression, and who it was directed at. In that moment, there was no hoping that she had been able to hide her emotions. If no one knew she had been in love, they knew now.

Shamed, she fled the dance floor.

She retreated to the safety of the food tables and wandered up and down the aisle, but could not think about eating. Instead she found herself turning to watch the dance, singling Heero out of the crowd in a heartbeat. Relena watched the redhead move her hand up Heero?s arm to his shoulder, talking to him with a smile on her face, a devious, flirtatious smile that eventually made Heero smirk, whatever it was she said. Relena thought he danced closer with this girl than he had with her, especially when she saw their legs touching and his hand halfway around her back. She watched until she felt sick and then looked around for someplace to sit alone and try not to cry.

She headed for the open bar in the corner, a place from which the view of the dance floor was obscured, and sat on one of the stools. There were other people in line for drinks, but she didn?t feel like ordering. She just wanted to sit. No one told her she couldn?t. Doubtless they all recognized her, and though she carefully kept the anguish she felt carefully concealed in front of this many people, she wasn?t sure she cared about what they thought in that moment. A few people spoke to her and she replied generically without knowing for certain what she said.

Eventually Heero would look for her and notice she was gone, she supposed, perhaps when the dance was over or maybe after he danced with the other girl too. She was pretty certain she could have discovered who those girls were, but she didn?t really care. She almost felt like they could have been anybody.

?Miss? Are you all right??

Relena turned toward the bar to see that the line had vanished and only the bartender was left, rinsing out glasses and drying them with a towel. When she turned, he saw her face and let out a little gasp of recognition.

?Miss Darilian, forgive me,? he said with a smile. ?You?re even more beautiful in person.?

She smiled back at him, losing some of her angst in the compliment, and turned a little on her stool. ?How is the party from the working perspective?? she asked. ?Are you having a good time??

?It?s been a pretty good night so far,? he replied.

She looked at the bottles of alcohol in racks set up behind the counter and was tempted to order something with the intent of getting drunk just to give Heero the headache of seeing her home, but refrained. For all she knew, Heero might forget about her and go home with someone else. The thought brought a swift rush of pain that threatened her composure, but she managed to hold them back just in time.

?You must make decent tips,? she said, forcing a smile to hide her pain.

?From some people,? he replied.

If she?d brought a purse, she would have left one even if she didn?t order a drink. Her bartender was a nice young man, actually. He was tall, with dark hair and dark eyes and a nice smile. His attractiveness wasn?t comparable to Heero?s, but there was a pleasing decency about him that put her at ease and he had a sociable manner Heero lacked on his best days.

?Would you like anything to drink?? he asked, setting down the first glass and grabbing another.

?Well?? She stopped when he picked up the second glass. She saw the ring on his finger when he did it, glinting on the fourth finger of his left hand, and politely shook her head. ?No. Thank you.?

?You?re sure you?re all right?? he asked.

She nodded. While he put away the glasses, she slipped quietly off her stool and straightened the folds in her dress. It had been a useless flirtation anyway, considering the circumstances, but she wished it had been a real one, if only to make herself feel better.

?Thank you,? she said, and left the bar.

She had no sooner turned around when Heero grabbed her arm, his hand tightening around her wrist.

Seeing him appear so suddenly took her aback and she froze for a moment to collect her thoughts, transitioning from despair to the shock and hurt and jealousy that had sent her fleeing before, all of it bubbling out of a well of love that still had not ceased its reckless assault on her failing heart.

?Heero,? she said breathlessly.

?What are you doing over here??

?Nothing.? His tone was so accusatory that she immediately thought first of flight or defense. She knew it wasn?t nothing, though. She was angry, furious at him for ignoring her and flirting with those other girls when he still held the broken pieces of her heart. She hated him for it. And yet, she knew there was no practical reason to be angry. They were broken up and he was free to see other people if he wanted to? it just wounded her deeply.

Some of the resentment must have shown in her eyes because his took on an equally defensive sheen, only he actually looked angry, like he was barely refraining from yelling at her. His jaw was set in a determined way that made her heart clench with trepidation. She didn?t think she could stand it if Heero became angry with her, not when she loved him and he didn?t love her. She didn?t think she?d ever seen Heero angry with her.

?Let?s go somewhere else,? he growled, and turned, tugging her along by the wrist.

She stopped, digging her heels in, and pulling back until he released her. ?No,? she said, holding her wrist close to her, laying claim to herself. Her heart was beating like a drum. She actually felt scared. ?I?m fine, really. I?m sorry. Don?t worry about me. Go dance. I?m fine. Everything is fine.? She tried to smile, but she could barely manage to make her lips curve and knew it came out sickly.

He stared at her with an expression that made her heart want to sink through her feet to be buried under the floor boards. He knew she was lying. He also knew she was trying to appease him by lying. The result was a mix of frustration and condescension that shamed her worse than she already had been.

?Let?s go dance,? she suggested, knowing it was hopeless now to try and rectify the situation and amend her dignity and not even sure she wanted to do either. Even knowing Heero was annoyed by her reaction, she was still angry. He had brought her to this party. Didn?t he understand how fragile she was when it came to him?

He swallowed whatever his idea had been and they reentered the dance floor together. This time, when the ensemble struck up another song, Relena couldn?t let go enough to float, much less fly. Heero?s hand on her waist was torturous. She couldn?t look at his face long enough to appreciate its angles and softer subtleties. Everything she loved about him seemed to mock her until her dancing steps seemed to drag.

Her heart tumbled with it. Before she knew it, she was fighting not to cry?while dancing! Heero hardly looked at her enough to notice. His finger barely grasped her waist. His eyes seemed to drift over her shoulder or behind her head, looking beyond her, locking onto other people in the crowd.

Mid-song, Relena let go of Heero?s shoulder. She felt like she was going to throw up again. She didn?t look at Heero. She had to get off the dance floor. Without raising her head, she turned and strode away.

?Where are you going?? he demanded.

?I don?t feel well,? she mumbled, and didn?t care if he followed her or not. ?Stay and finish the dance if you want.?

She almost hoped he snatched up that blonde. At least then she would have more against him. It was a childish thought, but she couldn?t help it.

There was a bit of a stir among the couples around them as people glanced over at Vice Minister Darlian as she stumbled off the dance floor. There were remarks made later that she looked like she had some kind of stomach pain.

She shoved her way through the crowd and held her face in a carefully composed mask until she managed to find a door. As soon as she grabbed the handle, her face began to crumble, the mask dissolving in a flashflood of tears that flowed out and would not stop.

?Relena,? Heero grabbed her shoulder and turned her around before she had time to fix her face.

?Don?t,? she said. ?Go away.?

?Are you mad about those girls?? he growled. He was angry. Angry! ?It was just a dance.?

She flailed at the air, trying to shove him out of her line of vision without making contact, afraid to touch him for fear it would burn her fingers and send a shock to her heart.

?You don?t understand,? she said. ?You don?t know how I feel. I can?t believe I?? She wanted to stop crying and couldn?t. She was afraid someone would see her face. She turned again for the door. ?Let me go. Please.?

He grabbed her shoulder, stopping her from running. All he really needed to do was call her name. She was powerless against his voice. She hated that. ?Relena, stop this. It?s childish. Be rational. If you?re just going to run away every time you get emotional??

?I hate you,? she said. It just came out, but she knew she meant it. Truth made her voice shake with emotion. Her face was red and tears blotted her makeup and streamed down her cheeks, but she looked him in the eye when she said it. ?I hate you. I can?t be around you. I don?t want to see you anymore.?

He couldn?t possibly have looked more shocked. ?What are you talking about??

?Don?t you understand? I am so in love with you, Heero. I don?t care what you?ve been through or how scarred you are or anything else. I love you and that hasn?t changed since the day I met you and it never will. I love you so much and I know that you don?t love me. It hurts. It?s the worst pain I?ve ever felt. I hate you now. I can?t help it.?

?Relena,? he whispered. He stepped closer, close enough that they were both in the shadow of the wall. From a distance they must have looked like lovers stealing some time together regardless of the eyes that might have been watching. His hands cupped her face, wiping away the tears under her eyes. His hands felt cool on her cheeks, but her expression remained pained. ?Relena, don?t say that.?

She realized that he was trembling and that there was something close to panic in his eyes, but she didn?t care. She pulled her face out of his hands, freeing it from the touch that tormented more than it comforted. ?Heero, I can?t be friends with you. I love you. You look so good to me. Even now I want?? She swallowed, closing her eyes. The tears came anyway. ?I can?t see you. I don?t think I should talk to you.?

He seemed to be fumbling, something she had never seen him do. ?Relena, I do love you in a way?? The emotion on his face was in the crinkle of his brow and the slight frantic shimmer in his eyes, not even a hundredth of what she felt with every glance in his direction.

?Don?t!? she yelled, and knew that it was too loud. Her shout reverberated off the walls. The music did not falter, but she felt the stares in their direction from the dance floor. Choking back tears, she tried to finish, muting her tone but unable to keep the bite from it. ?Don?t lie to me. You don?t love me.?

He didn?t deny it. If anything, his expression confirmed it. He really didn?t.

?And we can?t be friends,? she added, feeling a little calmer. ?I can?t be around you. It?s too hard. I?? It felt like slicing open a vein and watching the blood run. ?I don?t want to hear from you anymore.?

?Why?? He could barely voice it.

She couldn?t look him in the face. It was too hard. She wanted him so much. ?I need to get over you.?

He didn?t understand. It was clear from every nuance of his character, even his silence, that he had no idea what she meant. He understood the words, had surely heard the formula, but he didn?t really understand it. He had never felt anything like it himself. He didn?t even protest. Maybe he wanted to be rid of her.

?I want to go home,? she said in the hush that followed. She needed to get away. Now. Before she lost her nerve.

?Okay.? He hadn?t said anything that quietly in a long time. ?I?ll get the keys.?

She shook her head. ?I don?t need you. I?ll take a cab.? She strode past him, pushing through the open air in a bullet line for the front doors.

He followed her, catching up with a few long strides. He grabbed her shoulder, trying to slow her down, eyes searching in every direction as she plowed brazenly onward. Even when they came to the front doors, she didn?t slow.

?Relena, it?s dark. The streets are dangerous.?

She turned around on the front steps. The security guards lining the steps down to the sidewalk were just out of hearing. Heero stood in the doorway, framed by the golden light of the party, a light that thankfully obscured his features and left most of him a dark outline. She studied it with the expectation that it would be the last time she saw Heero Yuy.

?I don?t want you to protect me anymore,? she said. ?I want you to leave me alone. I don?t care if I die and you don?t save me. I mean it. I don?t want to hear or see any sign of you near me.?

He almost sounded desperate. ?Relena??

?I?m not asking!?

?I can?t let anything happen to you. If you were killed??

?You are killing me, Heero! Not terrorists. You. Please, leave me alone. I can?t do my job with you around. I can?t think. I can?t sleep. I love you so much it hurts. I can?t do anything with a broken heart and it breaks every time I think of you. Please??

He didn?t say anything, but she knew she had hurt him. She hadn?t meant to, but it couldn?t be helped. She had to amputate or bleed to death. She was in tears when she continued and no longer cared if anyone saw them. She could hardly speak.

?Please just go. Leave me alone. Just go.?

?Don?t cry??

?Go.?

He turned partially around at her request, but did not walk away. He seemed unable to, looking out at the night behind her as if seeing monsters that would swallow her whole. She didn?t care if they did.

?Then I?ll go,? she said, and tore her eyes away from him.

Without waiting any longer, she turned and ran down the steps. She could easily call for a government licensed car and driver to come pick her up, but she didn?t want to take the time or talk on the phone. Instead, she ran down the sidewalk and hailed a taxi. The tears had dried on her face and the night air blew right through her dress, but she didn?t care. She didn?t care if she was mugged in the street, or kidnapped or killed. She didn?t care about anything.

A taxi pulled up to the curve and stopped. She let herself in without looking back and gave her address to the driver with a promise to pay when she got home. The driver recognized her even with her eyes red and swollen and did as she asked. She didn?t engage in conversation. She didn?t want to talk. Everybody would be talking eventually. For now, all she wanted was silence. She just wanted to get home.

She needed to grieve.



A/N:


I learned while writing this chapter that the comparative form of the adjective ?bitter? is ?bitterer.? Try saying it. ?That brand of tea is bitterer than that one. ? O_o It?s hard to say! I was sure the comparative would be more bitter, but Microsoft Word disagrees with me. Ah well, a new rule in grammar learned everyday.

If you want to see Relena?s dress, it?s at the following address, though I changed the color. http://www.prom-dresses.com/order/984.html

Please review!

[Morrighan]

OMG.... Why must all the good fics suddenly all take on angsty feel?!?!?!?! WHY?!?!?! This isn't cool!!!!

MORE!!!!!!!!!!!

[APerfectSoldier87]

It was good, I almost dropped a tear.

[NafX]

Ohhh this is a difficult read ...
Poor Relena ...

Wonderful writing ... really really great ...

~Nat.

[Chibi-sitter]

Yay you updated it! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

Poor Relena. I think I'm crying or maybe it's just my hay fever.
I would of had the same thoughts, feelings and done exactly what Relena done.
Heero deserved it. (Even if he is my fav pilot) Don't get me wrong I sympathize for him too.

I have read the first chapters a few months back but forgot to review
Great choice for Relena's dress too.
I Love how you write Heero & Relena with such human emotion and keep em both well in character Great chapter Zapenstap

[Mandaba]

oh wow, i have been on edge waiting for an update and this is most definitely worth it. i think i teared up reading it, oh the turmoil relena must be feeling. wow.

[dragonlady9]

That was so sad , poor Relena. Such emotional termoil. You're really good at writing how she feels. I hope you update soon.

[sweet_me_beajai]

Oh god!! I hate Heero!!! I hate him sooooo much!!! How can he be such an asshole!! Such a jerk!! Such a bastard!!!

I also hate Relena, but you can?t really blame her on how she feels...poor girl!

Please don?t torture Relena anymore. I want to see Heero suffer worst than the way Relena did. I want him to feel a million times worst than the way Relena is feeling in this chapter!

I?m crying now and I don?t even understand why!!! Before I read this fic I never thought I could actually hate Heero, but I do hate him now!! But he?s still my favourite character.

This is a great fic, and I?ll be waiting to see how it end for both of them! Please update really soooooon.



P.S

*points up* I was not bashing Heero, just expressing how I feel right now?.sorry if I offended anyone?..

[Wingnut]

Oh god!! I hate Heero!!! I hate him sooooo much!!! How can he be such an asshole!! Such a jerk!! Such a bastard!!!

I also hate Relena, but you can?t really blame her on how she feels...poor girl!

Please don?t torture Relena anymore. I want to see Heero suffer worst than the way Relena did. I want him to feel a million times worst than the way Relena is feeling in this chapter!

I?m crying now and I don?t even understand why!!! Before I read this fic I never thought I could actually hate Heero, but I do hate him now!! But he?s still my favourite character.

This is a great fic, and I?ll be waiting to see how it end for both of them! Please update really soooooon.



P.S

*points up* I was not bashing Heero, just expressing how I feel right now?.sorry if I offended anyone?..

She's right, Heero needs to suffer some too, if not more so than Relena.
--This post is in the process of being edited by one or more parties so that the real message of what the reviewer wants to convey will be clearly communicated. Thank you for your patience, Rose --
How about haveing one of the other characters waiting at Relena's place for when she gets home, like Mandred or one of the other pilots. It would be perfect timeing for her to let them in on things.

[Mandaba]

I'd also like to know what is going through Heero's mind as well. We can all see how Relena is dealing, I wonder what Heero is doing through all of this? Zap put in some emotion with his facial expressions, I'd personally love to see what was running through his mind. I hope this story has a happy ending.









A happy ending with Heero and Relena together :-x