Posted: Fri Jul 26, 2002 4:20 pm
3 / To Kill An Angel
-- This one's for Theo Gabrielle
* *
Tell me that I will never die
Take away all my pain
Rock me gently in your arms
Say that I'll remain in your keeping
And this much I know is true
I have lived inside of you
You have always seen me through
While I am peacefully sleeping
I will love you till the end
Long will I remain in your keeping
-- In Your Keeping / Jann Arden (Blood Red Cherry) ?Edited-
* *
Van looks untouchable when he sleeps, all his sharp features are softened with innocent charm, his usual scowl fading into the golden brilliance of his skin. He's beautiful when he sleeps, I wish I could hold him and kiss all his wounds away, but he would probably wake up repulsed at the sight of me. Ha. I could just imagine his reaction, tipping me off the bed, yelling at me to get the hell out of his room.
But even as I watch him, in all his vulnerable silkiness, it seemed like it was all my fault. Nothing prepared me to find Van in a pool of his own blood, to see his own dagger tainted with his blood, and the horrible realization that he might die. I hated him for it... at least for a while, but then I realized that I couldn't hate him that long...
The fleeting reminisce of his whispered words comes back to haunt me, "... just let me die... please..." My heart seemed to rip right out of my chest, and all I could do was clutch at the empty space inside me, crying silently at his bedside, taking a gentle hold of his hand, and bringing it to my cheek. Pleading, begging, whispering for his forgiveness.
But he gave no answer, because he could not speak.
His lips part slightly when he rests... it's such a childlike gesture, even for him, with all his struggles by his side. It's so tempting just to lean in for a quick kiss. Even in his sleep, he makes me feel self-conscious and awkward. But happy... he's always made me feel safe, always thinking about me ahead of himself. Maybe that was the problem... he needed to protect someone, someone he cared about.
I never wanted to become the burden of his heart. I didn't want him to get hurt because of me... but all that comes back to me in ten fold, here he lies... hurt because of me.
There was always Merle, but maybe he needed a human girl to love, hold, and kiss. He's always had the cat-girl, knew what it was to be fond of someone, but he never met anyone whom he could fall in love with. From what I've heard, he never had any contact with real girls, maybe it was just infatuation? Like how I was with Allen? No. I don't want to believe that. I want to believe that Van really loves me.
I just wish I could tell him how I feel. Truly feel. Inside my heart. I wonder if he could hear me if I just speak to him while he sleeps? I heard somewhere that a person could listen to you better if you speak to them while they slept. Would you hear me, Van? Listening to my heart...
I miss his eyes... I never thought I'd say that. They were always so demanding, so biting, like he could see everything inside your soul. But when he held me at that pond... it was as if all that melted into puddles of dark rubies, gentle and loving. I wish he could look at me that way again, but it seems impossible now, since what's happened since then.
He'll blame me for all this. I know it. I know how Van's mind works, he'll look at me with contempt, not with love. And it's because of me! It had been my mistake. And that stupid mistake would cost me Van...
Van lies there as if he were dead, which makes me hate myself. I never should've said Allen's name, that was the cause of all this mess, then maybe none of this would've happened. Why did I say Allen's name when all I could think about was Van?
I can't answer that question... because I don't know the answer. I wish I did. Sometimes, I really wish that it had been me instead of Van. Why does he have to suffer more because of me? I know I'm not worth any of this... I'm certain he knows it too.
Van... I?
-- excerpt from Hitomi's incomplete journal entry
* *
All the brightness in the world had been reduced to a single flame of an oil lamp. Twisting vigorously in the darkness, like an elegant flame of immortal hope, only waiting to be blown out. The vanishing shadows soon came to be vague silhouettes, its only purpose to be embraced by the darkness, ignoring the light's godly attempt to shatter it. The flame only created the darkness by drawing out the phantoms, faces which couldn't be seen, only whispers which could scarcely be heard.
They were whispering something about blood... the blood of the innocent had been spilt by the hands of a child... by a blade which only held self-destruction. There, within devastation and animosity, the fulfillment you so desperately seek you shall achieve. Within love, find only blood you will.
... within love, find only blood I will? What the...
Why was it so cold?
Was I dead?
No. Just the cold wind from the open balcony.
I shouldn't even be listening to phantoms, I decided uncertainly. Their intentions are always cruel, attempting to lure you into the Shade. I faintly remembered a rather enormous bed, deep ruby velvet drapery hung from the bedposts, which could be summoned with the tug of a lemon colored cord. A woman, with the darkest eyes set against pale skin, used to sit on a rocking chair by my bedside, telling me the stories about phantoms, pixies, and other bad spirits. The Shade, however, was something I wasn't certain of.
With that, another realization dawned on me.
Who am I? I brought up my arm to touch my face curiously, and then my eyes set on my bandaged arm in shock, crimson liquid seeped though the snowy cloth. And what the bloody hell happened to my arm?!
"What... what happened?" I sputtered, choking on my own words. Before I could stop myself, I bolted upright into a sitting position, an aching pain instantly shooting into my chest. It was like an inferno erupted inside my chest, scorching my lungs until I couldn't breathe, the quilts slipped to reveal that almost my entire torso had been dressed with bandages.
I cried out loudly in agony. My body arched involuntarily, thrashing violently back into the bed, as I felt the full force of searing pain streak through my veins. My lungs continued to burn relentlessly, growing more vicious with each passing second, it was like my entire chest was on fire. I began to hyperventilate. I choked on my own breaths, each one like a sword penetrating through my lungs. I couldn't control my body, nor could I control my breathing.
The blood can't be real... none of it could be. No way.
But the pain felt real-- more real than not knowing myself.
I screwed my eyes shut, water collecting in my eyes, practically blinding me in terror. ... am I dying? Am I dying? Am I dying? Am I dying?... A wordless cry of desperate anguish converged deep in my throat, until it reached the point where it couldn't be held back any longer.
I screamed for all that I was worth.
The cry echoed back to me, filling the emptiness of the shadows with my torment, but the pain was amplified by that one attempt for help. My breathes came hollow and quick, the dizzying and terrifying moment when I realized I couldn't breathe anymore, my entire body still convulsing violently. All of it came at me like the plunge of a sword, a terrible nauseating feeling deep in my stomach.
No one was coming.
Something inside me smiled, despite the pain, despite my will to live. Someone else smiled, another face inside my body, someone else who wanted to die. But this is what you wanted, you started with the wounds, but that was still not enough to satisfy your misery. Isn't this what you prayed for? To feel the pain of the world, and then die? Hahahaha, it's amusing, in way. Stop the struggling, when you do, everything sets into place. As it should be. Let Death take you into its arms, let it hold you, and then everything -- all the pain, all your sorrow -- will go away. Don't fight it. Embrace it.
It was my voice. It scared me more than dying. It was me talking... to myself... but yet, it wasn't me. Someone else... someone else inside me.
... the pain didn't even hurt much anymore...
I heard the door snap open from somewhere on my left, with such a force, that I was almost confident that it was blown off its hinges. But it didn't matter, it was just getting all hazy... like a dream where you see everything happening around you. It was a strange sensation. My body tingled with eerie giddiness, an edge which nothing else could bring me, but I still heard everything around me.
"Crap!" A voice, so faint, whispered from my right. I felt someone open my eyes, but all I could see what a blinding white, then a cold touch on my throat. "His eyes dilated. We got a heartbeat, but he's not breathing..."
"Wh-what's happening?!" Another voice, only louder, I suppose she was screaming. "Milerna? What's happening to Van? Is he - is he - -"
"Allen! Get Hitomi out of here!"
"Right."
"No! Let me go!" The voice was farther away now, the deepest sound of sadness shattering my peace. "Van? Van?! Oh god, please... Van!"
"You can't help Van by screaming, Hitomi, you'll make it worse. Please. Let Milerna and the doctors work on it."
"But... but..."
The chilling sensations in my limbs lightened, smooth hands brushed over my face and chest, offering a reassured hush of warmth. A murmur which only the dead could hear... live... the hypnotizing heat dispersed into my skin, leaving me with the most strange obscure perception of others around me. With all distress past, it seemed hard to concentrate on anything else but the touch which gave me warmth, and then my eyes opened slowly.
"... lerna, his... erratic... unstable..."
A young boy, with a crop of jet black hair - - more of a mop, actually - - lounging without movement among the softest quilts, which were cast aside by other strangers. His eyes opened to mere slits, ominous with a waxy face, drenched in sweat from whatever previous struggle he fought. I found myself admiring his deathlike countenance, a wrenching moment which nothing could break, like angels serenading to the moons.
I smiled at him... smiled at myself.
This must be death, I thought with rueful smile. There's no more fear here, not anymore, the pain is nonexistent from the circumstance of my death. Everything fades, all the pain dies, like it all just a dream... just like that voice told me it would. It was a gentle stir inside my essence, like being air, watching while others tried to revive my dead body. But it was hopeless, wasn't it? Since I was already dead.
. his heart's stopped! ..."
Those around him - - around me - - initiated their vain attempts at CPR, every muscle in their faces becoming taut with effort. I heard the door slam shut behind me, that girl was still screaming, but I paid her no heed. I didn't know who she was, so I didn't bother to care, the only reality was the body... my body.
Then, the noise of everything around me. The whispers... live... live... breath...
The sweetest thing death is. Lay you six feet under will they. Roses, flowers, and daisies they will bring for you. But remember you they will not. Because death is your companion... underneath all the woe... shall become nothing but ash. Accept destiny all you can do... just die...
The candle flickered from the sudden gust of wind, and darkness enwrapped everything with its bitter love, then a complete silence softly exploded except for the sound of breathing. A heartbeat echoing into the still atmosphere... thump, thump, thump... gently taking in all the fragments of reality.
Then everything...
... started to...
... fade...
* *
Van is dead.
This I know, because I can still hear Emperor Dornkirk's cries of joy, "the Dragon is dead! The Dragon is dead! Folken, you have served me well."
To describe how I feel is impossible. No words can express the sorrow that burrows deep into my soul. I suppose it would be better to forget all the unfortunate events leading to Van's death, but to ignore the fact that you're the one responsible for your own brother's death is preposterous.
Not only am I a traitor to my own country's destruction, but I'm a traitor to my own family... my younger brother - - my own flesh and blood - - is dead because of me. And what is worth all the pain I feel? Knowing that Zaibach will win the war without any disturbances from the Dragon? Without any resistance Zaibach will flourish into prosperity, but is that enough to undo the pain I inflicted upon myself? Upon Van?
No, it will haunt me forever, long after I'm dead, it will always be there... poisoning my heart and soul.
I swore to always protect my brother, but I'm the one who caused his suffering. I still remember that promise, he was so young, always clinging to my leg like the nuisance he was. Hmm, I fondly recollect those times when I feel most alone, knowing that he loved and cherished me, as I did him. But it seems like an eternity ago, when I used to lift him high into the air, knowing that he enjoyed the feeling of flying. Always begging me to take him gliding - - secretly, of course, our mother used to disapprove of that practice.
How Van used to stumble into trouble without intending to, he always hid his guilt improperly, it was evident on how he avoided everyone's gaze. Everyday, Varie would ask the same question, "what did you do this time?" And then Van would look at his feet, mumbling an apology, making haste to start crying. He always got out of trouble that way, though it was never all the time, only when Varie felt sympathetic.
When he didn't, he usually came running to me, forcing me to play his hero when mother was angry with him. I used to love when Van did that sometimes, looking up to me to be his defender, and other times, I would tell him to deal with his own problems. But he'd screw up his face in the most adorable way, making me feel guilty and knowing I'd play his hero anyway.
Van... brother, will you ever forgive me? I know you can't, because you're already dead. But will your comrades forgive me, knowing I'm the cause of their loss? I doubt it, but I can only hope for the best.
I wish I could tell you everything I did... maybe I can pretend you're here with me...
Dornkirk realized your strength came from your love of Hitomi, it was she who was the real threat against Zaibach, you were the one who accepted her love... her power. If, somehow, he could break the bond between you and Hitomi, he knew he could regain control over the Great War.
There had been only way: to have Hitomi herself break your heart by revealing she truly loved another, when she, in fact, loved you more than anyone else.
I disagreed for your sake, brother, but Dornkirk silenced me before I could even say a word. I was left with no choice, but to follow the orders he gave me... I tried to protect you, Van, know that, but there had been no time. I was informed by one of the Dragonslayers that I was needed by Dornkirk. It had been unexpected, that alone left me no time to prepare. When I arrived at the calling area, I found that everything had been organized for your downfall. He knew. Dornkirk knew that I arranged to sabotage the plan. I didn't care about the aftermath of my actions, as long as I knew you were safe. He never confronted me with his knowledge, but it only took one look to know: 'Do it, or die.'
I made the mistake of being afraid to die for you.
Dornkirk had schemed to use the Fate Alteration machines to destroy you. I didn't move for a moment, torn between my love for you and my duty, but Nariya had whispered in my ear that I had no choice. She, nor Eriya, didn't want to see me die. Nariya and I positioned ourselves, while you and Hitomi were by the pond, declaring your feelings for her. I had played you, and Nariya played Hitomi, like a sick game of acting.
As Hitomi had been about to kiss you, to whisper your name, to say she loved you too. Nariya had said another name, which forced Hitomi to say without thinking, she spoke the name you probably hated 'Allen.'
We had played you like puppets. Dornkirk foresaw a new future for Zaibach, a glorious rising of victory he desperately needed to fulfill his sick lust to play God. His words were of this, as he peered through his ridiculously huge telescope, "the future rapidly changes before my eyes. Suddenly I see no foolish girl standing above the ruins of Zaibach, but I see her underneath us, bleeding and weeping. Folken, I see no Dragon... the Dragon has been destroyed."
He had laughed, as I fought to keep myself neutral and unresponsive, I had nodded and bowed. "I see that I have done the duty you have asked of me, Emperor. If there is nothing else..."
I wish... I wish I had done something, but I was too weak to even try.
My heart twists inside me, a great heaviness grows in my chest, in my throat. Sadness dances circles around me, leaving me latent with grief, pulling me in so deeply that I fear I may never escape it. I never realized how pain actually feels, even after a dragon had bitten my arm off, this is the most agonizing moment of my entire existence. Knowing that you are dead, means that I am dead too...
Brother... my wings have grown black.
Is it an omen of some kind?
You have always lived inside me, Van, but now that you're gone, I'm worth nothing. I can't live if you're not alive. That much I know. I wish we could go back to the times where you and I slept by the pond, living without a care in the world, back when you knew me as your hero.
Now I am the coward who fed his very own brother to a hungry wolf.
If I could have done one thing differently, it would have been to allow that dragon to kill me. If my death could have stopped yours, I would have gladly taken it, but it's too late now. Even to choose death.
Understand this, brother, I will avenge you. Even if that means destroying myself in the process.
- - excerpt from Folken's journal entry
* *
Yes. I know? but think: the story will last a little longer?
-- This one's for Theo Gabrielle
* *
Tell me that I will never die
Take away all my pain
Rock me gently in your arms
Say that I'll remain in your keeping
And this much I know is true
I have lived inside of you
You have always seen me through
While I am peacefully sleeping
I will love you till the end
Long will I remain in your keeping
-- In Your Keeping / Jann Arden (Blood Red Cherry) ?Edited-
* *
Van looks untouchable when he sleeps, all his sharp features are softened with innocent charm, his usual scowl fading into the golden brilliance of his skin. He's beautiful when he sleeps, I wish I could hold him and kiss all his wounds away, but he would probably wake up repulsed at the sight of me. Ha. I could just imagine his reaction, tipping me off the bed, yelling at me to get the hell out of his room.
But even as I watch him, in all his vulnerable silkiness, it seemed like it was all my fault. Nothing prepared me to find Van in a pool of his own blood, to see his own dagger tainted with his blood, and the horrible realization that he might die. I hated him for it... at least for a while, but then I realized that I couldn't hate him that long...
The fleeting reminisce of his whispered words comes back to haunt me, "... just let me die... please..." My heart seemed to rip right out of my chest, and all I could do was clutch at the empty space inside me, crying silently at his bedside, taking a gentle hold of his hand, and bringing it to my cheek. Pleading, begging, whispering for his forgiveness.
But he gave no answer, because he could not speak.
His lips part slightly when he rests... it's such a childlike gesture, even for him, with all his struggles by his side. It's so tempting just to lean in for a quick kiss. Even in his sleep, he makes me feel self-conscious and awkward. But happy... he's always made me feel safe, always thinking about me ahead of himself. Maybe that was the problem... he needed to protect someone, someone he cared about.
I never wanted to become the burden of his heart. I didn't want him to get hurt because of me... but all that comes back to me in ten fold, here he lies... hurt because of me.
There was always Merle, but maybe he needed a human girl to love, hold, and kiss. He's always had the cat-girl, knew what it was to be fond of someone, but he never met anyone whom he could fall in love with. From what I've heard, he never had any contact with real girls, maybe it was just infatuation? Like how I was with Allen? No. I don't want to believe that. I want to believe that Van really loves me.
I just wish I could tell him how I feel. Truly feel. Inside my heart. I wonder if he could hear me if I just speak to him while he sleeps? I heard somewhere that a person could listen to you better if you speak to them while they slept. Would you hear me, Van? Listening to my heart...
I miss his eyes... I never thought I'd say that. They were always so demanding, so biting, like he could see everything inside your soul. But when he held me at that pond... it was as if all that melted into puddles of dark rubies, gentle and loving. I wish he could look at me that way again, but it seems impossible now, since what's happened since then.
He'll blame me for all this. I know it. I know how Van's mind works, he'll look at me with contempt, not with love. And it's because of me! It had been my mistake. And that stupid mistake would cost me Van...
Van lies there as if he were dead, which makes me hate myself. I never should've said Allen's name, that was the cause of all this mess, then maybe none of this would've happened. Why did I say Allen's name when all I could think about was Van?
I can't answer that question... because I don't know the answer. I wish I did. Sometimes, I really wish that it had been me instead of Van. Why does he have to suffer more because of me? I know I'm not worth any of this... I'm certain he knows it too.
Van... I?
-- excerpt from Hitomi's incomplete journal entry
* *
All the brightness in the world had been reduced to a single flame of an oil lamp. Twisting vigorously in the darkness, like an elegant flame of immortal hope, only waiting to be blown out. The vanishing shadows soon came to be vague silhouettes, its only purpose to be embraced by the darkness, ignoring the light's godly attempt to shatter it. The flame only created the darkness by drawing out the phantoms, faces which couldn't be seen, only whispers which could scarcely be heard.
They were whispering something about blood... the blood of the innocent had been spilt by the hands of a child... by a blade which only held self-destruction. There, within devastation and animosity, the fulfillment you so desperately seek you shall achieve. Within love, find only blood you will.
... within love, find only blood I will? What the...
Why was it so cold?
Was I dead?
No. Just the cold wind from the open balcony.
I shouldn't even be listening to phantoms, I decided uncertainly. Their intentions are always cruel, attempting to lure you into the Shade. I faintly remembered a rather enormous bed, deep ruby velvet drapery hung from the bedposts, which could be summoned with the tug of a lemon colored cord. A woman, with the darkest eyes set against pale skin, used to sit on a rocking chair by my bedside, telling me the stories about phantoms, pixies, and other bad spirits. The Shade, however, was something I wasn't certain of.
With that, another realization dawned on me.
Who am I? I brought up my arm to touch my face curiously, and then my eyes set on my bandaged arm in shock, crimson liquid seeped though the snowy cloth. And what the bloody hell happened to my arm?!
"What... what happened?" I sputtered, choking on my own words. Before I could stop myself, I bolted upright into a sitting position, an aching pain instantly shooting into my chest. It was like an inferno erupted inside my chest, scorching my lungs until I couldn't breathe, the quilts slipped to reveal that almost my entire torso had been dressed with bandages.
I cried out loudly in agony. My body arched involuntarily, thrashing violently back into the bed, as I felt the full force of searing pain streak through my veins. My lungs continued to burn relentlessly, growing more vicious with each passing second, it was like my entire chest was on fire. I began to hyperventilate. I choked on my own breaths, each one like a sword penetrating through my lungs. I couldn't control my body, nor could I control my breathing.
The blood can't be real... none of it could be. No way.
But the pain felt real-- more real than not knowing myself.
I screwed my eyes shut, water collecting in my eyes, practically blinding me in terror. ... am I dying? Am I dying? Am I dying? Am I dying?... A wordless cry of desperate anguish converged deep in my throat, until it reached the point where it couldn't be held back any longer.
I screamed for all that I was worth.
The cry echoed back to me, filling the emptiness of the shadows with my torment, but the pain was amplified by that one attempt for help. My breathes came hollow and quick, the dizzying and terrifying moment when I realized I couldn't breathe anymore, my entire body still convulsing violently. All of it came at me like the plunge of a sword, a terrible nauseating feeling deep in my stomach.
No one was coming.
Something inside me smiled, despite the pain, despite my will to live. Someone else smiled, another face inside my body, someone else who wanted to die. But this is what you wanted, you started with the wounds, but that was still not enough to satisfy your misery. Isn't this what you prayed for? To feel the pain of the world, and then die? Hahahaha, it's amusing, in way. Stop the struggling, when you do, everything sets into place. As it should be. Let Death take you into its arms, let it hold you, and then everything -- all the pain, all your sorrow -- will go away. Don't fight it. Embrace it.
It was my voice. It scared me more than dying. It was me talking... to myself... but yet, it wasn't me. Someone else... someone else inside me.
... the pain didn't even hurt much anymore...
I heard the door snap open from somewhere on my left, with such a force, that I was almost confident that it was blown off its hinges. But it didn't matter, it was just getting all hazy... like a dream where you see everything happening around you. It was a strange sensation. My body tingled with eerie giddiness, an edge which nothing else could bring me, but I still heard everything around me.
"Crap!" A voice, so faint, whispered from my right. I felt someone open my eyes, but all I could see what a blinding white, then a cold touch on my throat. "His eyes dilated. We got a heartbeat, but he's not breathing..."
"Wh-what's happening?!" Another voice, only louder, I suppose she was screaming. "Milerna? What's happening to Van? Is he - is he - -"
"Allen! Get Hitomi out of here!"
"Right."
"No! Let me go!" The voice was farther away now, the deepest sound of sadness shattering my peace. "Van? Van?! Oh god, please... Van!"
"You can't help Van by screaming, Hitomi, you'll make it worse. Please. Let Milerna and the doctors work on it."
"But... but..."
The chilling sensations in my limbs lightened, smooth hands brushed over my face and chest, offering a reassured hush of warmth. A murmur which only the dead could hear... live... the hypnotizing heat dispersed into my skin, leaving me with the most strange obscure perception of others around me. With all distress past, it seemed hard to concentrate on anything else but the touch which gave me warmth, and then my eyes opened slowly.
"... lerna, his... erratic... unstable..."
A young boy, with a crop of jet black hair - - more of a mop, actually - - lounging without movement among the softest quilts, which were cast aside by other strangers. His eyes opened to mere slits, ominous with a waxy face, drenched in sweat from whatever previous struggle he fought. I found myself admiring his deathlike countenance, a wrenching moment which nothing could break, like angels serenading to the moons.
I smiled at him... smiled at myself.
This must be death, I thought with rueful smile. There's no more fear here, not anymore, the pain is nonexistent from the circumstance of my death. Everything fades, all the pain dies, like it all just a dream... just like that voice told me it would. It was a gentle stir inside my essence, like being air, watching while others tried to revive my dead body. But it was hopeless, wasn't it? Since I was already dead.
. his heart's stopped! ..."
Those around him - - around me - - initiated their vain attempts at CPR, every muscle in their faces becoming taut with effort. I heard the door slam shut behind me, that girl was still screaming, but I paid her no heed. I didn't know who she was, so I didn't bother to care, the only reality was the body... my body.
Then, the noise of everything around me. The whispers... live... live... breath...
The sweetest thing death is. Lay you six feet under will they. Roses, flowers, and daisies they will bring for you. But remember you they will not. Because death is your companion... underneath all the woe... shall become nothing but ash. Accept destiny all you can do... just die...
The candle flickered from the sudden gust of wind, and darkness enwrapped everything with its bitter love, then a complete silence softly exploded except for the sound of breathing. A heartbeat echoing into the still atmosphere... thump, thump, thump... gently taking in all the fragments of reality.
Then everything...
... started to...
... fade...
* *
Van is dead.
This I know, because I can still hear Emperor Dornkirk's cries of joy, "the Dragon is dead! The Dragon is dead! Folken, you have served me well."
To describe how I feel is impossible. No words can express the sorrow that burrows deep into my soul. I suppose it would be better to forget all the unfortunate events leading to Van's death, but to ignore the fact that you're the one responsible for your own brother's death is preposterous.
Not only am I a traitor to my own country's destruction, but I'm a traitor to my own family... my younger brother - - my own flesh and blood - - is dead because of me. And what is worth all the pain I feel? Knowing that Zaibach will win the war without any disturbances from the Dragon? Without any resistance Zaibach will flourish into prosperity, but is that enough to undo the pain I inflicted upon myself? Upon Van?
No, it will haunt me forever, long after I'm dead, it will always be there... poisoning my heart and soul.
I swore to always protect my brother, but I'm the one who caused his suffering. I still remember that promise, he was so young, always clinging to my leg like the nuisance he was. Hmm, I fondly recollect those times when I feel most alone, knowing that he loved and cherished me, as I did him. But it seems like an eternity ago, when I used to lift him high into the air, knowing that he enjoyed the feeling of flying. Always begging me to take him gliding - - secretly, of course, our mother used to disapprove of that practice.
How Van used to stumble into trouble without intending to, he always hid his guilt improperly, it was evident on how he avoided everyone's gaze. Everyday, Varie would ask the same question, "what did you do this time?" And then Van would look at his feet, mumbling an apology, making haste to start crying. He always got out of trouble that way, though it was never all the time, only when Varie felt sympathetic.
When he didn't, he usually came running to me, forcing me to play his hero when mother was angry with him. I used to love when Van did that sometimes, looking up to me to be his defender, and other times, I would tell him to deal with his own problems. But he'd screw up his face in the most adorable way, making me feel guilty and knowing I'd play his hero anyway.
Van... brother, will you ever forgive me? I know you can't, because you're already dead. But will your comrades forgive me, knowing I'm the cause of their loss? I doubt it, but I can only hope for the best.
I wish I could tell you everything I did... maybe I can pretend you're here with me...
Dornkirk realized your strength came from your love of Hitomi, it was she who was the real threat against Zaibach, you were the one who accepted her love... her power. If, somehow, he could break the bond between you and Hitomi, he knew he could regain control over the Great War.
There had been only way: to have Hitomi herself break your heart by revealing she truly loved another, when she, in fact, loved you more than anyone else.
I disagreed for your sake, brother, but Dornkirk silenced me before I could even say a word. I was left with no choice, but to follow the orders he gave me... I tried to protect you, Van, know that, but there had been no time. I was informed by one of the Dragonslayers that I was needed by Dornkirk. It had been unexpected, that alone left me no time to prepare. When I arrived at the calling area, I found that everything had been organized for your downfall. He knew. Dornkirk knew that I arranged to sabotage the plan. I didn't care about the aftermath of my actions, as long as I knew you were safe. He never confronted me with his knowledge, but it only took one look to know: 'Do it, or die.'
I made the mistake of being afraid to die for you.
Dornkirk had schemed to use the Fate Alteration machines to destroy you. I didn't move for a moment, torn between my love for you and my duty, but Nariya had whispered in my ear that I had no choice. She, nor Eriya, didn't want to see me die. Nariya and I positioned ourselves, while you and Hitomi were by the pond, declaring your feelings for her. I had played you, and Nariya played Hitomi, like a sick game of acting.
As Hitomi had been about to kiss you, to whisper your name, to say she loved you too. Nariya had said another name, which forced Hitomi to say without thinking, she spoke the name you probably hated 'Allen.'
We had played you like puppets. Dornkirk foresaw a new future for Zaibach, a glorious rising of victory he desperately needed to fulfill his sick lust to play God. His words were of this, as he peered through his ridiculously huge telescope, "the future rapidly changes before my eyes. Suddenly I see no foolish girl standing above the ruins of Zaibach, but I see her underneath us, bleeding and weeping. Folken, I see no Dragon... the Dragon has been destroyed."
He had laughed, as I fought to keep myself neutral and unresponsive, I had nodded and bowed. "I see that I have done the duty you have asked of me, Emperor. If there is nothing else..."
I wish... I wish I had done something, but I was too weak to even try.
My heart twists inside me, a great heaviness grows in my chest, in my throat. Sadness dances circles around me, leaving me latent with grief, pulling me in so deeply that I fear I may never escape it. I never realized how pain actually feels, even after a dragon had bitten my arm off, this is the most agonizing moment of my entire existence. Knowing that you are dead, means that I am dead too...
Brother... my wings have grown black.
Is it an omen of some kind?
You have always lived inside me, Van, but now that you're gone, I'm worth nothing. I can't live if you're not alive. That much I know. I wish we could go back to the times where you and I slept by the pond, living without a care in the world, back when you knew me as your hero.
Now I am the coward who fed his very own brother to a hungry wolf.
If I could have done one thing differently, it would have been to allow that dragon to kill me. If my death could have stopped yours, I would have gladly taken it, but it's too late now. Even to choose death.
Understand this, brother, I will avenge you. Even if that means destroying myself in the process.
- - excerpt from Folken's journal entry
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Yes. I know? but think: the story will last a little longer?
eventhough you killed off my favorite charater... poor Van.. he will always be in our hearts. Anyway it was really really good.