Imitation
Posted: Thu May 06, 2004 5:45 pm
DISCLAIMER: Don?t own ?em.
Imitation
By: Lara Winner
It?s been six months since they said goodbye for the final time.
I thought that he could move on now.
That we could move on?
I suppose I should have patience. Six months is hardly enough time to bury the past and he did love her, no matter how much it hurts me to say it. I can not expect his pain to go away so quickly. I should know. I love him and I don?t think I could put him behind me, ever.
I tried to let him go. I tried to tell myself that my childish fantasies were exactly that, fantasy. But when all was said and done I remained with him and by doing so I chose to be the one to ease away the sadness that haunts his eyes. He accepts my love, as much as he can, but sometimes I?m all too aware that I am not the one he loves. It?s quite the penance to bear considering I?m the one he?s taken for a mate.
I get to share his bed, have his children and give him the family he?s always wanted. And in my heart I get to pretend that he wanted this life with me. Maybe I?m being unfair. He says he cares. He thinks it might be love but he?s not sure. He says he?s happy with me and that?s all that should matter.
I want him to be happy so I take what he can give me and make it enough. For the most part it?s not hard to pretend. At night when I?m in his arms it?s just the two of us. The rest of the world fades and his touch lifts me as high as the stars. And when day breaks I try to be the support he needs taking on the duties of friend and lover.
But I know when he?s thinking of her. His eyes go soft and that wistful hurt comes creeping into their depths. He tries to play it off. He?s convinced himself I won?t notice if he brushes it away and acts like its nothing. But I do notice. He wants her and he tries to hide it from me. I?m not sure which one breaks my heart more.
As of late she?s been on his mind constantly. When he can?t pretend that he?s okay he opts for avoiding me instead. He never speaks of her and we?ve become very good at skirting the issue. It?s hell for both of us. I want to comfort him but I can?t bare to be by his side knowing that it?s not me he?s seeing, its her.
It?s always her.
Last night he called her name in his sleep. His pitiful whimpers woke me and I tried to soothe them as best I could but it wasn?t my voice he heard in his dreams. As he clung to me he mumbled her name over and over again. I won?t tell him what happened, he?s already filled with guilt when it comes to our relationship and I don?t have the heart to make it worse. I didn?t think loving him could hurt so much but it does, more than he?ll ever know.
He tries his best to do right by me. I?m well taken care of and he would fight tooth and claw to protect me no matter what. He?s a considerate mate and a very attentive lover. He?s given me everything that I could ever want? except his love, the one thing I want most of all.
Sometimes, like right now, I have to step away from us and take a moment to get back to me. I couldn?t do this in our den, not with reminders of us everywhere I looked, so I set off without a destination and walked all morning just to watch the clouds pass and flowers dance in the warm summer breeze. He?s going to be mad at me for leaving without telling him but I don?t care. I needed to get away.
He had already disappeared by the time I awoke this morning. I?m sure he?s returned by now and he?s probably wondering why I?m not there. I wonder if he?ll come looking for me. Probably, just to make sure I?m safe especially now that I?m breeding.
I rub my stomach and note its flat contours amazed there is life growing inside of me. It?s been a little over a month since it happened. We hadn?t planned to have a family just yet but now that choice is out of our hands. I?m happy and so is he, at least he says he is. Sometimes I wonder though.
It almost doesn?t seem real? but it is and I?m not sure we?re ready for this.
He is my mate. Despite all his faults he made me a promise and for that reason alone he?ll never abandon me. He told me that I?m stuck with him for the rest of my life. So why am I so afraid I?m loosing him?
Because I know my mate and I know how his mind works. He?s hoping that our child can make up for what is lacking between us. He can stop pretending to love me and give our child his true affections instead. And if it makes him happy I won?t deny him that. I?ll just play dumb and keep my heartache to myself like I always do.
He?ll be good to us and that?s all I can really ask for. Anything else is just selfishness. It shouldn?t matter that I?ll never replace her and it?s not important that I can?t compare to her memory. After all, I chose this knowing how it was going to be.
It would feel so good to cry and let all this tension out. But I won?t. I promised myself that since I couldn?t stop loving him then I could stop crying because of him. He?s not trying to hurt me and knowing that is the only thing that makes all of this bearable. I think if he knew exactly how much this tears me up inside, he would never forgive himself.
It?s time to suck it up. He?s tracked my sent and I hear him calling me long before he?s close enough to be seen. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths letting my cool mask slip back in place. Then I force a cheerful smile, rising to my feet and answering his call. I wave as he starts in my direction and I can tell by his expression that he?s pissed. I can also tell by the set of his shoulders that I?m in for one heck of a lecture.
"Baka! I turn my back on you for one second and you?re half way across Japan!" he snarls the moment he reaches my side.
His temper is a sight to behold and its been known to send gown men cowering to their knees in fear.
I can?t help but laugh as I lean up and give him a kiss on the cheek in greeting. Taking his hand in my own I begin to walk back the way we came. "Let?s go home. All this walking has made me tired."
"Oh no you don?t. You?re not getting off that easy. You had everyone worried sick!"
I sigh. "I?m sorry. I should have told someone I was going for a walk. But it?s okay. I?m perfectly fine."
"It?s not okay." He growls, his hand tightening around my own. "You shouldn?t wander about in your condition. Anything could have happened?"
His words trail off and we fall silent. After a few long moments I sneak a glance up at his face. He?s still angry but he?s staring straight ahead with a pining look in his eyes that I know all too well. I gently tug my hand free of his needing to put some space between us.
"What?s the matter?" he asks sharply.
"Nothing." I lie hoping he doesn?t hear the faint tremor in my voice.
"Right." He scoffs. "If nothing is wrong then why the hell did you come all the way out here?"
"I wanted to see the flowers."
"There are plenty flowers outside of the den baka!"
"Maybe I like these flowers better!" I snap back as the sudden urge to cry becomes even stronger than it was before.
He glares at me but this time I would have to be a fool not to see the hurt etched on his handsome face. "Fine! Don?t tell me then! Why should I care right? I?m just your fucking mate, that?s all!"
I don?t want to hurt him or shut him out but sometimes there?s no other way. I get overwhelmed by him, by us and? his feelings for her.
I swallow hard against the lump rising in my throat.
"There?s nothing to tell." I manage to say softly. "I had some thinking to do, you know, to try and sort out what?s going on. Everything is happening so fast and I needed to get a grip on it. I?m sorry, really. I just wanted some time alone."
His eyes search mine and after a long moment he sighs, his anger draining. "You can always talk to me. I?ll listen." He offers.
"I?m a big girl." I laugh bitterly. "I can?t always come running to you for very little thing. Not when there are more important things that come first."
He stiffens knowing exactly what I?m referring to. Suddenly he reaches out and grasps my wrist, forcing me to stop and face him. I can?t meet his gaze so I look down. I hadn?t meant for it to sound waspish but it?s the truth and it had to be said.
"Why do you say things like that?" he whispers sadly. "Am I that bad of a mate that you feel you can?t even talk to me?"
"I didn?t say that?"
"You didn?t have to. You can?t even look at me."
To hear him say such a thing is like a knife going right through my heart. I blink back the tears that threaten to spill and meet his tortured gaze wishing I could take my words back. I never wanted to hurt him?
Without warning he pulls me into his arms. I gasp in surprise but can?t find the will resist when he?s holding me so tightly. There?s a measure of defeat in his voice as he says, "I try so hard but its not enough, is it? No matter what I do I end up letting you down."
"Don?t?" I try to lean back and see his face but he only holds me tighter, not letting me speak.
"It?s the truth. You don?t need to make excuses for me. You deserve better than this and if I wasn?t so selfish I?d do the right thing set you free? but I can?t. I need you too much."
I know it?s not easy for him to bare his soul like this but he does it for me, to prove to me that he?s trying. Maybe I?m an idiot but I love him all the more for it.
Pressing a small kiss to his neck, I smile. "I know Kouga. That?s why you couldn?t get rid of me if you tried."
This time I manage to lean back and look at him. He?s blushing, the way he always does when he thinks he?s said too much. He gives me a sheepish smile but the shadows in his eyes darken as he amends, "You chose to be with me when Kagome refused. I would never put her before you. Remember that, okay."
He means well but?
"I?ll try. It?s just very hard to do when I know you still love her." I admit.
For a split second he looks stricken but before I can reassure him that its okay his lips curve into a pained smile. "She broke my heart once. I?m not giving her the chance to do it again. That?s why I?m letting you put it back together."
He?s blushing again and this time so am I. A slow smile spreads across my face. "I love you."
"I know Ayame?" he looks away, his eyes narrowing in determination before returning to meet mine. "and one day I?ll be able to say it back. So don?t give up on me yet."
My mate can be incredibly sweet at times, granted he?s in the right mood. With my heart doing little flips in my chest I lean up and give him a sound kiss on the lips but before he can take it deeper I wiggle out of his arms and grab his hand.
"Come on," I wink. "Let?s go home."
AN- Don?t ask where this came from. I?m still trying to figure that out? I?ve wanted to do a Kouga/Ayame fic for a while and now I can finally say I did. WOO HOO! ^_^ So how many of you interpreted the pairing correctly from the beginning? I bet a lot of you thought it was Kagome and Inuyasha huh? Poor Kouga and Ayame always get overlooked but they?ve got their own love triangle too. (according to the anime that is?)
So thanks for wasting ten minutes of your day reading this. I?m honored. *hugs* Later guys!
Imitation
By: Lara Winner
It?s been six months since they said goodbye for the final time.
I thought that he could move on now.
That we could move on?
I suppose I should have patience. Six months is hardly enough time to bury the past and he did love her, no matter how much it hurts me to say it. I can not expect his pain to go away so quickly. I should know. I love him and I don?t think I could put him behind me, ever.
I tried to let him go. I tried to tell myself that my childish fantasies were exactly that, fantasy. But when all was said and done I remained with him and by doing so I chose to be the one to ease away the sadness that haunts his eyes. He accepts my love, as much as he can, but sometimes I?m all too aware that I am not the one he loves. It?s quite the penance to bear considering I?m the one he?s taken for a mate.
I get to share his bed, have his children and give him the family he?s always wanted. And in my heart I get to pretend that he wanted this life with me. Maybe I?m being unfair. He says he cares. He thinks it might be love but he?s not sure. He says he?s happy with me and that?s all that should matter.
I want him to be happy so I take what he can give me and make it enough. For the most part it?s not hard to pretend. At night when I?m in his arms it?s just the two of us. The rest of the world fades and his touch lifts me as high as the stars. And when day breaks I try to be the support he needs taking on the duties of friend and lover.
But I know when he?s thinking of her. His eyes go soft and that wistful hurt comes creeping into their depths. He tries to play it off. He?s convinced himself I won?t notice if he brushes it away and acts like its nothing. But I do notice. He wants her and he tries to hide it from me. I?m not sure which one breaks my heart more.
As of late she?s been on his mind constantly. When he can?t pretend that he?s okay he opts for avoiding me instead. He never speaks of her and we?ve become very good at skirting the issue. It?s hell for both of us. I want to comfort him but I can?t bare to be by his side knowing that it?s not me he?s seeing, its her.
It?s always her.
Last night he called her name in his sleep. His pitiful whimpers woke me and I tried to soothe them as best I could but it wasn?t my voice he heard in his dreams. As he clung to me he mumbled her name over and over again. I won?t tell him what happened, he?s already filled with guilt when it comes to our relationship and I don?t have the heart to make it worse. I didn?t think loving him could hurt so much but it does, more than he?ll ever know.
He tries his best to do right by me. I?m well taken care of and he would fight tooth and claw to protect me no matter what. He?s a considerate mate and a very attentive lover. He?s given me everything that I could ever want? except his love, the one thing I want most of all.
Sometimes, like right now, I have to step away from us and take a moment to get back to me. I couldn?t do this in our den, not with reminders of us everywhere I looked, so I set off without a destination and walked all morning just to watch the clouds pass and flowers dance in the warm summer breeze. He?s going to be mad at me for leaving without telling him but I don?t care. I needed to get away.
He had already disappeared by the time I awoke this morning. I?m sure he?s returned by now and he?s probably wondering why I?m not there. I wonder if he?ll come looking for me. Probably, just to make sure I?m safe especially now that I?m breeding.
I rub my stomach and note its flat contours amazed there is life growing inside of me. It?s been a little over a month since it happened. We hadn?t planned to have a family just yet but now that choice is out of our hands. I?m happy and so is he, at least he says he is. Sometimes I wonder though.
It almost doesn?t seem real? but it is and I?m not sure we?re ready for this.
He is my mate. Despite all his faults he made me a promise and for that reason alone he?ll never abandon me. He told me that I?m stuck with him for the rest of my life. So why am I so afraid I?m loosing him?
Because I know my mate and I know how his mind works. He?s hoping that our child can make up for what is lacking between us. He can stop pretending to love me and give our child his true affections instead. And if it makes him happy I won?t deny him that. I?ll just play dumb and keep my heartache to myself like I always do.
He?ll be good to us and that?s all I can really ask for. Anything else is just selfishness. It shouldn?t matter that I?ll never replace her and it?s not important that I can?t compare to her memory. After all, I chose this knowing how it was going to be.
It would feel so good to cry and let all this tension out. But I won?t. I promised myself that since I couldn?t stop loving him then I could stop crying because of him. He?s not trying to hurt me and knowing that is the only thing that makes all of this bearable. I think if he knew exactly how much this tears me up inside, he would never forgive himself.
It?s time to suck it up. He?s tracked my sent and I hear him calling me long before he?s close enough to be seen. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths letting my cool mask slip back in place. Then I force a cheerful smile, rising to my feet and answering his call. I wave as he starts in my direction and I can tell by his expression that he?s pissed. I can also tell by the set of his shoulders that I?m in for one heck of a lecture.
"Baka! I turn my back on you for one second and you?re half way across Japan!" he snarls the moment he reaches my side.
His temper is a sight to behold and its been known to send gown men cowering to their knees in fear.
I can?t help but laugh as I lean up and give him a kiss on the cheek in greeting. Taking his hand in my own I begin to walk back the way we came. "Let?s go home. All this walking has made me tired."
"Oh no you don?t. You?re not getting off that easy. You had everyone worried sick!"
I sigh. "I?m sorry. I should have told someone I was going for a walk. But it?s okay. I?m perfectly fine."
"It?s not okay." He growls, his hand tightening around my own. "You shouldn?t wander about in your condition. Anything could have happened?"
His words trail off and we fall silent. After a few long moments I sneak a glance up at his face. He?s still angry but he?s staring straight ahead with a pining look in his eyes that I know all too well. I gently tug my hand free of his needing to put some space between us.
"What?s the matter?" he asks sharply.
"Nothing." I lie hoping he doesn?t hear the faint tremor in my voice.
"Right." He scoffs. "If nothing is wrong then why the hell did you come all the way out here?"
"I wanted to see the flowers."
"There are plenty flowers outside of the den baka!"
"Maybe I like these flowers better!" I snap back as the sudden urge to cry becomes even stronger than it was before.
He glares at me but this time I would have to be a fool not to see the hurt etched on his handsome face. "Fine! Don?t tell me then! Why should I care right? I?m just your fucking mate, that?s all!"
I don?t want to hurt him or shut him out but sometimes there?s no other way. I get overwhelmed by him, by us and? his feelings for her.
I swallow hard against the lump rising in my throat.
"There?s nothing to tell." I manage to say softly. "I had some thinking to do, you know, to try and sort out what?s going on. Everything is happening so fast and I needed to get a grip on it. I?m sorry, really. I just wanted some time alone."
His eyes search mine and after a long moment he sighs, his anger draining. "You can always talk to me. I?ll listen." He offers.
"I?m a big girl." I laugh bitterly. "I can?t always come running to you for very little thing. Not when there are more important things that come first."
He stiffens knowing exactly what I?m referring to. Suddenly he reaches out and grasps my wrist, forcing me to stop and face him. I can?t meet his gaze so I look down. I hadn?t meant for it to sound waspish but it?s the truth and it had to be said.
"Why do you say things like that?" he whispers sadly. "Am I that bad of a mate that you feel you can?t even talk to me?"
"I didn?t say that?"
"You didn?t have to. You can?t even look at me."
To hear him say such a thing is like a knife going right through my heart. I blink back the tears that threaten to spill and meet his tortured gaze wishing I could take my words back. I never wanted to hurt him?
Without warning he pulls me into his arms. I gasp in surprise but can?t find the will resist when he?s holding me so tightly. There?s a measure of defeat in his voice as he says, "I try so hard but its not enough, is it? No matter what I do I end up letting you down."
"Don?t?" I try to lean back and see his face but he only holds me tighter, not letting me speak.
"It?s the truth. You don?t need to make excuses for me. You deserve better than this and if I wasn?t so selfish I?d do the right thing set you free? but I can?t. I need you too much."
I know it?s not easy for him to bare his soul like this but he does it for me, to prove to me that he?s trying. Maybe I?m an idiot but I love him all the more for it.
Pressing a small kiss to his neck, I smile. "I know Kouga. That?s why you couldn?t get rid of me if you tried."
This time I manage to lean back and look at him. He?s blushing, the way he always does when he thinks he?s said too much. He gives me a sheepish smile but the shadows in his eyes darken as he amends, "You chose to be with me when Kagome refused. I would never put her before you. Remember that, okay."
He means well but?
"I?ll try. It?s just very hard to do when I know you still love her." I admit.
For a split second he looks stricken but before I can reassure him that its okay his lips curve into a pained smile. "She broke my heart once. I?m not giving her the chance to do it again. That?s why I?m letting you put it back together."
He?s blushing again and this time so am I. A slow smile spreads across my face. "I love you."
"I know Ayame?" he looks away, his eyes narrowing in determination before returning to meet mine. "and one day I?ll be able to say it back. So don?t give up on me yet."
My mate can be incredibly sweet at times, granted he?s in the right mood. With my heart doing little flips in my chest I lean up and give him a sound kiss on the lips but before he can take it deeper I wiggle out of his arms and grab his hand.
"Come on," I wink. "Let?s go home."
AN- Don?t ask where this came from. I?m still trying to figure that out? I?ve wanted to do a Kouga/Ayame fic for a while and now I can finally say I did. WOO HOO! ^_^ So how many of you interpreted the pairing correctly from the beginning? I bet a lot of you thought it was Kagome and Inuyasha huh? Poor Kouga and Ayame always get overlooked but they?ve got their own love triangle too. (according to the anime that is?)
So thanks for wasting ten minutes of your day reading this. I?m honored. *hugs* Later guys!
