Blissful Ignorance

Platonic Love ? Chapter Five ? The Promise
By Kilmeny

Disclaimers: Gundam Wing belongs to Sunrise. Any songs or quotes belong to their authors listed with them. This story is not being used to make a profit.

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Chapter Five ? The Promise

It was hard to tell what she should do now, Hilde thought as she sat in her bed the next morning. At some time during her long night, she had remembered a promise she and Duo had made to one another early on in their relationship. The irony of it now burned in her mind. They had made several promises, in fact, because of the nature of their situation. After all, if they were to be housemates, they had to compromise. This particular promise was made to prevent unwanted embarrassment and inconvenience in their love lives. It was the promise that Duo had mentioned to her upon his return from his Preventers mission?that they would tell each other when they fell in love, and afterwards plans would be made for new living arrangements. In this way the other housemate would know when a relationship was serious or not, and whether he or she was allowed to mention the ?L? word around the boyfriend or girlfriend. It would also ensure that Duo and Hilde would no longer live together upon finding ?The One.? ?The One? would not have to worry that his or her relationship would be threatened by a housemate.

There had been no call for either of them to fulfill that promise, until now.

With a groan Hilde rested her forehead on her knees. It wasn?t fair; instead of preventing embarrassment, she would be fostering her own mortification. Not to mention Duo?s possible reaction to the news. The dreaded news that she was in love with him. In love with him, not Blake. Now that would be a surprise.

She wouldn?t, couldn?t tell him. She hated the thought of breaking a promise, especially to Duo, but she believed it was the only way she could leave with her dignity intact, at least to anyone?s eyes but her own. But she was going to leave. That was one part of the promise she would keep.

Besides the promise, it was necessary that she move out. She couldn?t love him up close, not with her emotions running wild and Lorelei around, so she would have to love him from as far away as possible. Maybe, in time, she would get over him and meet somebody else?because if she stayed near him, then she knew that no other guy would ever stand a chance. She had to hold onto the possibility that she?d find happiness elsewhere.

It was settled. While he was recuperating, she would easily be able to search for an apartment without him being aware. By the time she had to come up with an excuse, he would probably already be prepared to tell her of his newfound love for Lorelei, and she?d be spared the trouble of admitting her own feelings. But if, Lord willing, that didn?t happen, then she would be nearly packed and ready to move into her new home anyway. . . well not really a ?home? in the positive sense of the word. No place could be a home to her without Duo in it . . .

Oh, no, I?m sinking into my depressing thought patterns again. It?s just so hard to think of leaving this place, leaving Duo, because of course he wouldn?t come after me. What does he need from me? He?s found it all in Lorelei now.

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Life now became a struggle to hide, to get out, and to keep moving for Hilde. Duo remained unaware of her feelings and her preparations to move out while he recovered. But he did notice that she never allowed herself to stop and rest. She was always active, always busy; she never had enough time to say more than three words to him. She?d always been a hard worker, but he?d never seen her sink into workaholism unless something was really upsetting her, something so upsetting that she didn?t want to have time to think about it. Soon he was overcome with an insistent desire to know what that something was.

So he watched her. From his office, where he was still able to work while temporarily in a wheelchair, he kept an eye on her work in the garage. From the couch he saw into the kitchen where she cooked dinner. And in his bed each night he mulled over her behavior, trying to fit the pieces together. She said little to anyone, especially him and Lorelei, and her smiles were few and fake. But this only confirmed that something was wrong. It gave him no clues to what that was, only that it might have something to do with him or Lorelei. He could think of nothing, however. He would have to ask Lorelei if she had recently said anything of consequence to Hilde.

One of the few places he couldn?t see her was in her office. What was she doing in there behind closed doors? He had taken over most of the clerical duties during his recovery time, since he couldn?t be in the garage, so what need did she have to spend time in there? Maybe she was talking on the phone to Blake, but wait a minute. That didn?t make sense because Blake hadn?t even been around for several days, which was unusual.

He could be away, but it didn?t explain why Hilde was so upset, unless she missed him that much. Or unless, but no, why would that happen? Why would they have broken up? There had been no indication beforehand, besides that squabble before his accident, that anything was amiss between them. Yet this was the only explanation that made sense. It could explain as well why Hilde was avoiding him and Lorelei; she simply didn?t like seeing such a happy couple when her relationship with Blake had gone sour.

He would very much like to know what had been the cause of the rift between her and Blake. If Blake had hurt her, he would deal out some justice, friend or no friend. It blew his mind that she hadn?t come to him and told him about the break-up before now. If he found out that the reason was because she was trying to protect Blake or didn?t want to say anything because he was a friend of his, then he would be furious. Just thinking about it made him crack his knuckles in the anticipation of slamming his fist in Blake?s face. Well, if he deserved it, that is.

He would say something to her, offer her some comfort. His shoulder would always be there for her to cry on. After all, what were friends for?

**********

Duo knocked on Hilde?s closed office door, calling out, ?Hilde, it?s me. I?ve brought some cookies I made for you.?

He heard a drawer slam and her chair creak before she opened the door, her face flushed. ?Hi, Duo, that?s so sweet of you,? she said a little breathlessly, helping him wheel into the room. She sat down at her desk and watched as he set the platter of cookies down. ?What?s this for??

?To cheer you up,? he said happily.

?Oh? Um, what do I need cheering up about??

?Well, that?s what I came here to find out for sure, but I?m pretty sure that I know already.?

Hilde swallowed, reddening. ?You-you know?? Oh, no, she thought despairingly, get prepared for utter humiliation.

Duo continued to examine her closely, as he had been since he?d entered the room. ?You and Blake broke up, didn?t you?? he asked carefully.

Hilde?s eyes flew up to meet his in surprise. But quickly she hid that emotion, saying slowly, ?No, not exactly. Our relationship?s on hold for the moment.?

Frowning, Duo asked around a big bite of cookie, ?Why??

She didn?t answer right away but chewed her lip pensively. Duo watched her just as keenly as ever. Finally she said, ?He thinks that I don?t really want to be with him, so he wants me to take some time and think about my feelings.? There, that had been a little deceptive, but at least she hadn?t outright lied to him.

Duo made an annoyed sound. ?Why does he think that? I never suspected that you didn?t want to be with him.?

?I don?t know, Duo. I really don?t want to talk about it. In fact, I better get back to work on Mr. Conner?s truck.? Distractedly, she got up from her chair and began to leave the room.

?Wait! Hilde, what are you doing? Why can?t you just sit down for five minutes and have a snack with me? Is that so much to ask??

With a dejected slump to her shoulders, she turned and fixed him under a sad, steady gaze. ?Yes, right now that is too much to ask. When I need to tell you something, I will, but now?s not the time.?

Angrily, he replied, ?But what if I want to talk? I wasn?t aware that our friendship was entirely under your authority. That isn?t very fair.?

With a surprising amount of emotion in her voice that had only moments before been calm, Hilde spat, ?Life isn?t fair. You don?t know, Duo, you just don?t know.?

?I don?t know because you won?t tell me!? he shouted as she stalked out the door into the garage. ?If you?d just tell me, damn it!? Grumbling and cursing, Duo placed the plate of cookies on his lap and wheeled angrily out of the room.

**********

In the week that followed, Duo began to have his dream again, the dream about Hilde and her gift in the wheat field. Each time it was essentially the same: Hilde approached him with her gift, he threw it to the ground, it shattered, and she lay dying as he walked away. Sometimes the dream would extend, and he would turn around, but her body would always be gone. He?d search and search through the wheat, but all he would find were the broken pieces of her gift.

The gift remained an elusive facet of the dream. Even if his dream-self lifted a shard up to his eye level, he would be unable to see it clearly enough to identify it. And just like the gift, the dream?s meaning remained a mystery to him no matter how well he remembered the minutest detail.

He didn?t know what to say to Hilde now. After the discomfort and guilt the dream made him feel every night, he was loath to sustain their argument. However, she avoided him so much that arguing would have been impossible anyway.

A week after their fight, he and Lorelei were preparing to go out to dinner. With a funny, intuitive feeling, Duo told Lorelei to wait outside for him while he went to say ?goodbye? to Hilde in her room. Something was telling him that he needed to find out what she was doing. Something wasn?t right.

He decided to grab his crutches, then he made his way down the hall. The enigmatic feeling deepened considerably. Once at her door, he called to her and opened the door at the same time, not caring that he was violating her privacy. What he saw when he opened the door could not have rattled him more than if he?d found the house burning down around him.

**********

Hilde jumped, dropping a roll of packing tape. She?d been caught, caught totally unprepared without any excuse. She knew she shouldn?t have procrastinated the formation of a believable excuse. Duo would never believe anything she made up on the spot.

Breathlessly, Duo asked, ?What- what are you doing?? She turned and stood, seeing that his eyes were traveling over the room. His expression showed clearly that he found the sight of her room, bare and packed into boxes, entirely unacceptable and horrifying. She had nothing to say for herself, but he wasn?t looking at her. He said, ?You look like you?re moving out or something, but no you couldn?t, you wouldn?t.? At this he raised his troubled gaze to hers, his eyes pleading with her to give some other explanation for the state of her room. ?Would you?? he asked faintly, leaning heavily on his crutches.

This was not how it was supposed to have been, thought Hilde as a strange tightness formed in her throat. Her eyes were burning as well. She took a deep breath. ?Duo, sometimes things happen, and you just have to make some changes in your life. I- I need to leave. I?ve made a terrible mistake, and the only way for me to fix it is to go . . . somewhere else.?

He frowned, staring at her incredulously. Shaking his head, he replied, ?No, I won?t accept this; I won?t let you go! What reason, what possible reason could you have for leaving me?!? His voice was rising in volume and beginning to shake with emotion. He could feel every fiber of his being tightening in denial. This could not be happening.

Yet through his haze of disbelief, Hilde was saying, ?Don?t look at it that way. I?m not leaving you. I?ll still be working at the salvage yard. I just need to be by myself . . .? she trailed off uncertainly and unconvincingly.

Anger, thick like smoke, hot like lava, seeped around him till he quaked with rage. He heard his voice shouting, ?Don?t give me that bullshit, Hilde! Tell me the truth! Tell my why you found it necessary to sneak around behind my back. Were you going to sneak out one night without even saying ?goodbye?? Were you going to run off with Blake? Is that it? Are you two eloping? You can?t even tell your best friend something that important? You can?t even tell your best friend ?goodbye?? You can?t even tell your best friend, who?s stood by you through thick and thin, the truth?!?

By this time Hilde had stepped forward, raising a placatory hand. ?No, Duo, it?s not like that. It?s not like that at all! You must understand. I don?t want to leave, but I have to. You see it was a mistake. It just happened, and this is the only way I know to try and fix it. Please understand.?

Duo swallowed against the bitter taste in his mouth. His breath rushed through his nostrils, a testament to his unappeased rage, but his voice had now taken on a deadly calm. ?How can I understand if I don?t know what it is?? he said with deliberate slowness.

Hilde stared at the floor, willing her tears to hold themselves back. ?You can?t,? she admitted softly.

?Then tell me the truth,? he ordered.

She realized that she was trembling, but she must do this. He deserved to know the truth. Mustering up her courage, she hesitantly raised her eyes, surprised to see that his violet depths held not the anger she had expected, but deep, raw hurt. It was this that gave her the push she needed. ?The truth is that?you see I?? she sighed and tried again, ?You know that best friend you were talking about? Well, the mistake I made was that I?well, I . . . fell in love with him.?

Out of shock, the tightness in his body eased, his face transformed from deep frown to astonishment, and his mouth fell slightly open. His brain ceased functioning altogether, as if he had been given an insanely complicated calculus problem to work out, and his brain simply wouldn?t accept it. Funny that he had never imagined that this would happen. Hilde had fallen in love with him. Hilde loved him.

Maybe his body had experienced such a large amount of intense emotion since entering Hilde?s room that his brain had become numb to anymore feeling. This might explain the reason why he didn?t even notice when a warm and pleasant sensation overtook his body.

Meanwhile, Hilde was experiencing an entirely different sensation, and she was very much aware of it. As the seconds ticked by and Duo made no positive response, hardly any response at all, an invisible hand began to squeeze harder and harder around her heart. Apparently, even after a heart had been broken, it was still there, and it could still feel pain, maybe even more acutely than a normal heart. And the burning behind her eyes, along with the lump in her throat, was becoming even more insistent. If Duo didn?t leave soon, she was going to cry in front of him. In fact, the trembling in her body was so violent now that she might even collapse in tears before him. This was unacceptable. If she could just get him to leave! ?Duo,? she said desperately.

This seemed to rouse him from his stupor. ?Hilde, I- I don?t know what to say.? He began to come closer, but Hilde stepped back, this time holding up a restraining hand.

?Then you don?t have to say anything,? she choked out, ?Just please go.?

Finally Duo saw the state she was in, although he had trouble believing his eyes. She was going to cry! Even now, her eyes were filling up with tears. With surprise and concern in his eyes, he instinctively drew nearer to her.

?No, don?t!? she cried, trying to speak as authoritatively as possible in her present condition, ?I need to be alone. Please leave.?

Reluctantly, Duo stepped back with his crutches, his eyes never leaving hers. She was just barely holding herself together. It was against his every impulse to walk away from her when she was hurting, but it was what she so clearly wanted. He wouldn?t destroy her dignity by forcing his comfort upon her.

Muffled, Lorelei?s voice came from the living room. ?Duo, what?s taking you so long??

If it was possible, even more hurt swam in Hilde?s eyes. The tears began to spill down her cheeks. ?See? You have Lorelei now, so go to her,? she whispered in defeat.

?I?m leaving because you want me to, not because of her,? he stated sincerely as he stepped out and closed the door.

As soon as the door latched, Hilde fell to her knees and buried her face in her hands, finding painful but blessed relief in the sobs that wracked her body. Oh, God, she cried, why does he have to make me love him even more?

On the other side of the door, Duo made his way sadly down the hall. Upon seeing Lorelei?s expectant look at the end of the hallway, he explained, ?I really don?t feel like going out tonight. I have some things I need to think about.?

?Oh, okay,? she said, seemingly waiting for further explanation, but Duo stepped into his room and shut the door.

**********

Much later that night, after Hilde?s tears had subsided and she had finished packing her things, she called Blake on the vid-phone.

?Hi, Hilde,? he said, searching her face.

She could barely drudge up a smile, so she said, ?I?m ready to talk now . . . um, I guess it would be better if we talked in person, so can I come over??

?No, stay there. I?ll be right over.? And he hung up.

A few minutes later, Hilde cautiously came out of her room and down the hall. Duo?s door was closed, so she relaxed a little and went into the front room to wait for Blake. She sat down on the couch but didn?t turn on the TV or pick up a magazine. Her thoughts were her unwelcome and unavoidable companions tonight.

The house was cold, dark, and unwelcoming. She pulled her knees tightly to her chest and waited. When she heard Blake?s truck pull up, she went and opened the door. She?d feel more comfortable if Duo didn?t know that Blake was there.

When Blake spotted her as he was coming up on the porch, he took two large steps to her and caught her by the arms. ?Hilde?? he said, searching her face again.

She wouldn?t look him in the eyes. Instead, she muttered, ?Please sit down.?

Blake obeyed but continued to eye her worriedly. Hilde took a seat across from him on the loveseat. Solemnly and steadily she told him the things she had realized and decided since their last conversation together.

When she was finished, he sighed and said, ?Well, I?m glad this has been resolved now . . . before I could have fallen in love with you. Then this would be an even bigger mess.?

She nodded. ?I?m sorry that things happened this way. You didn?t deserve this . . . but I?m not sorry for what we had because even though we didn?t love each other, you still cared a lot about me, and I appreciate your understanding. I also care about you and hope that you?ll find someone better for you than me.?

He caught her gaze and replied, ?And I hope that things work out between you and Duo. I think you?re making the right decision in leaving, but I also believe that Duo will come around. He loves you whether you believe it or not . . . I should have known to stay out of this from the start.? He laughed wryly at that.

Hilde just shook her head. ?Can you help me move out and into my apartment a couple days from now??

?Of course. I?ll even call the movers for you.? They both stood, and then he went over to her and brushed a lock of hair off her face. ?Take care, Hilde. Don?t let this bring you down. You have more than this to live for.?

?Thanks, I know that?s true, but it just doesn?t feel like it right now . . . well, I?ll see you later.?

After Blake had left, she crept back to her room and pulled Max close to her on the bed. She knew there would be bouts of loneliness, but she also had her friends, and she had Max. Blake?s words comforted her; she had hope that things would turn out alright in the end. They usually did.

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To Be Continued