Fall to Ashes (Chapter 1) by Coley Merrin

[miaka mouse]

A few thanks before we begin...

First of all to Trish, for helping me with one idea (and adding your own!),
and it spawning others... none of this would have happened otherwise. So
definite thanks there! :0) Hope you enjoy this as much as I have us
talking about it. :0) So is this kind of like your little fic surprise?
Darn, I don't get to hear *you* squeak in shock...

And to Miaka... instigator? beta? encourager? Is there a word that fits?
lol This certainly would have fallen into a state of disrepair without your
patience! :0) I'll leave off so you can spare your evilness, hehe.

To Loyce... Your enthusiasm was so appreciated! And your patience with my
nagging, and all your help... Many happy Duo thoughts. :0) *sparing this
evilness as well*

To Zap... Your comments really, truly helped shed new light onto this piece.
I hope you read, and if you see things that have made it better, (and to
each of the above three!) know that it's because of you. :0)

Now, I'll shut my trap, and get on with the fic!

Jen :0)

***

You are mine and I'll wait for you my love
You are mine it may take some time
Even if it takes a lifetime
Tell me you'll wait

-Somewhere Somehow -- Michael W. Smith

***

No one can determine the outcome of a life. The last whispered hope before
sleep fades away into dreams, and then into reality. The world changes in a
moment, and there is no warning.
***
Vice Foreign Minister Relena Dorlian had been threatened. At one time or
another everyone in the earth sphere wished to harm her. Standing calm as
was her nature, she weathered the storms that came in the two years of peace
the people had attained. Her guards, Heero standing silently by, kept her
safe, even as the threats faded. In the end, it was no threat from the
outside that brought her to her knees, but the job itself, and the strain
she felt because of it. Heero, now forced to watch her pale and troubled in
the hospital, begins to plan. The cycle of her giving her very health would
end. And he would do anything in his power to stop it.

***

Fall to Ashes

Chapter One


***

It was wrong to see her like this. She was so alive, so pure, so untouched
by all the evils of the world. Or she would be if he could help it. But
this...this he couldn't stop. He couldn't keep her from getting sick. He
couldn't put the color back in her cheeks, calm the fevers that came and
went, or stop the cough that shook her small body with too much regularity.
As he hovered in the shadows, he saw the doctors speak cheerfully to her,
while watching them shake their heads as they left the room. It wasn't life
threatening they said, she could easily recover. But the stress of her job
had taken a simple cold, and had it bordering on pneumonia. Pale, weak,
almost a shadow of the lively Vice Foreign Minister.

Relena. How he would have given anything to trade places with her. His life
was expendable. Hers... She was so strong, such a leader. The people, he
thought, anger welling up within him, asked too much of her. She would give
and give until there was nothing left. And from the feeling he got from the
doctors, she had almost done just that. But no more, he vowed. No more would
he stand idly by as she worked late into the night, sacrificing sleep for
the people. Did they feel any remorse that they had almost sent her to her
deathbed? Unlikely. The second she emerged from the hospital, the clamor
would begin again, and this time he was unwilling, and unable to watch her
go through the same downward spiral of madness again. She would listen to
him, let him keep her from this idiocy. She was not an idiot, just too
selfless. She'd once told him that his life was important, and it was
pointless to try and get himself killed. But what was she doing now?

So he sat in the shadows, watching her sleep, waiting for the life to
re-enter her body and for the day when he could talk some sense in to her.
She was too frail now for the words he wished to use, for the way he wanted
to grab her shoulders and shake her. Make her tell him why she felt the need
to hurt them both by putting herself in danger. Would he tell her that he
hurt for her? Would he tell her that it hurt him to watch her do this to
herself? Doubtful. It was a complication that she most likely didn't need.
But the doctors....they needed to tell her that she had to stop. Now, maybe
indefinitely, maybe not forever, but until he could see she was well. He
needed that; needed to know she was safe for at least a while. Wanted this
ball of worry that had resided in his stomach for the past month to go away.
He paused in his thoughts, ironically amused. It sounded so selfish when he
put it that way.

The doctors feared him, the near silent force always near her. When he
suggested, commanded, them to tell her to take time away indefinitely, they
would agree. It was the right choice, his opinion or not. He would just help
to persuade their fervor in convincing her.

****

"A leave of absence..."

"...indefinite..."

"...someone to take your place until you are fit to go back..."

"...time to rest and do other things..."

"...in your best interest..."

"...for your health it'd be best to leave politics..."

The doctor's words sped through Relena's head at a neck-breaking pace. They
all said the same thing: she had to take a break. In the course of her
illness she had heard anywhere from 6 months to a year. Some even suggesting
getting someone to fill her spot, while she could play advisor in a tough
situation. It was the most logical option, they told her. Her influence was
still important, it seemed, but not so important that her presence was
required every moment of every day.

"What's wrong?"

Heero's monotone voice broke the silence in the room, causing her to jump.
Relena turned and found him standing in the doorway. "What did you say?" She
asked rubbing her throbbing temples.

"Are you in pain?" Pushing away from the doorframe, he moved further into
the room.

"No." She dropped her hand away from her head, and into her lap. Not
physical anyway.

"What's wrong?" he repeated, walking up to stand in front of her.

She paused from her thoughts, staring up into that familiar face, amazed by
the tinge of worry she saw there. He was concerned for her. In the soft
beige of the hospital room the colors of his clothes, blues and greens and
yellows, brightened up the very atmosphere. It had been so deathly quiet, so
solemn most of the time, that it had almost seemed to her fevered mind to be
a wake, and not a room of recovery. It seemed she remembered a visit from
Duo and Hilde, bringing sunshine with their personalities, and colorful
flowers that had long since died from the plant. The past few weeks had
passed by in a blur of nothingness, and it was only with Heero right here in
front of her, looking at her so *intently* that it began to seem like she
was living again.

For a while it had seemed Heero had been almost afraid to look at her, as if
his gaze would somehow hurt her. Most of all she remembered his voice,
because for all he would not look at her, sometimes during the worst of her
illness, he would speak to her, very quietly. The weather, the food, at
least once about the war, it didn't matter. He would speak at the bed
railing, she knew this from being able to peek a couple of times, keeping
her company. If he was feeling secure, he would touch her hand, baby soft
touches so light she sometimes thought she was dreaming, until finally
laying his hand lightly over hers. He would sit like that until she woke
completely, or until someone entered the room. He didn't jerk back, merely
withdrawing his hand and staying seated next to her, knowing his place would
not be questioned, and quite ready and able to defend her. There was nothing
she could fathom that could have brought her greater comfort. Remembering,
and seeing him now, sent a surge of affection through her, putting the color
in her cheeks that had been missing.

"What will I do?" she asked, sobering considerably. "I have a decent
education, but this is all I know. This is all I ever expected to do. I feel
like my paddles have been taken and my creek has been drained."

Heero's eyes narrowed at her words. There were people who would come out of
the woodwork to help her, and yet.he understood what she meant, wanting to
be able to do something for herself, and not because of a name, or because
of friendship. She would never, ever lack for anything, certainly if he,
the other Gundam pilots, or most everyone they had encountered during the
wars, had anything to say about it She was liked and respected by very
nearly everyone. Maybe her ideas, and tactics didn't quite mesh with them
all, but that she fought next to them for the end of the war overcame many
of those differences.

"You're smart. This isn't forever. Your finances will hold up for years,
decades. You really have nothing to worry about," Heero said finally.

"I don't want to be the old spinster," Relena muttered. " Did you know there
was talk of me marrying one of the members, just to keep my name in
politics. How ridiculous! They even asked me about it yesterday. It's
absurd."

Absurd was exactly what it was. Why should she want to marry someone without
love? There was a man in front of her, maybe he didn't show his feelings or
talk a whole lot, but deep within her she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt
that she would marry him in an instant if the opportunity came. The though
of Heero asking her to marry him was.almost more than her mind could fathom,
but she was not beyond fantasies in the quiet moments, imagining his calm
words and the question itself. Declarations of love? Possibly not, but..
that he would ask, and mean it, and want it, would be all she could ask for.

"Who asked yesterday?" he asked sharply. His hands itched to wrap themselves
around a few necks.

Someone had invaded the privacy, the sanctity of this room and hassled her.
He'd been gone for only an hour at most, preparing for her departure. They
must have snuck in then. Perhaps they feared him more than he thought. The
only problem was he couldn't be by her constantly, and no matter how long he
was gone someone bothered. There had to be a way to keep her safe from
that.

She never answered his question, only gave him a quick shrug of her
shoulders. "I swear, between you and Milliardo, I feel like I have two big
brothers." Relena looked down at her lap. "He called while you were gone."

"Really?" the word slipped out as he processed the barb of being called an
"older brother."

"Yes. He and Miss Noin are well, but still not together. Seems they hardly
see each other."" She toyed with the edge of the blanket. "I don't
understand it. I know Miss Noin loves my brother, and he cares for her
deeply, but."

"Everyone has their own time."

It shocked her to hear the words coming from Heero Yuy's lips, but she did
her best to hide it. "I suppose you're right. He was very upset with me,
getting sick, and not letting him know right away." Taking a deep breath,
she continued, "I didn't want to worry him. I want to make him proud of me."

"You make Zechs proud just by being alive," he said in an oddly
introspective moment.

"But I didn't do anything to earn that pride," she said half fiercely.
Milliardo was her only living relative. She wished she knew him better,
could talk with him about their parents. Sometimes he seemed so wise, so
ancient, so lucky to have known them. Of course she'd grown up loving
different people as her parents, but still it didn't quiet the little wish
that she could have known her birth parents. They must have loved each
other, and their children very much, or Milliardo would not have had such a
fierce loyalty to the Sanc Kingdom. She knew without a doubt she loved her
brother, and knew she always would. He was her brother...and someday she
hoped also her friend.

"Some things you don't earn, they are freely given."

Heero looked away first, as her eyes sought to find the meaning in his
words. He had no answers for her, it was just simply something he knew. Who
truly understood deeper emotions anyway? Pride? Love? There were so many
levels, and so many reasons. They changed so much from person to person.

Zechs was proud of her. Relena was his little sister, who had been given the
opportunity to pull herself from the ruin of their country, and into helping
the entire earth sphere. Relena had succeeded where others had failed. It
was hard for him to imagine Zechs losing any of that pride if she were to
relinquish her position. They had both given much, he had listened to the
stories Relena had told him, and had researched for days to learn all that
he could. If Zechs did not feel that Relena had earned the right to do with
her life as she wished, then he should. Heero himself felt she deserved that
right. The niggling of guilt that kept telling him that he was forcing her
hand was pushed away. She couldn't do what she wanted if she were dead,
after all. And they had seen just how much she would listen to the people
concerned for her. Short of tying her down to keep her from working...she
didn't. It was admirable. It was insanity.

If she could not return to the people in her capacity as foreign minister,
she would still be a very powerful force standing behind a husband; the
ultimate, influential trophy wife. And the thing that amazed him was that
they expected her to just give up and play second fiddle. She was the star,
and the director of the whole orchestra. The one you felt blessed if you
could exchange just a few words with. It amazed him still that he talked to
her every day. From the day he had returned, months after the Mariemaia
incident, he had stood guard next to her. Protecting her from all but
herself.

"I don't know why I fear becoming an old maid," she mused, "Or of seeing the
happiness of those around me, but not quite attaining it for myself. The
thought of marriage hasn't been one to enter in all that often, but with
this happening it is more than ever. I know nothing but politics. If you
asked me at this very moment what else I would like to do with my life, I
couldn't begin to tell you. I've been...too afraid to think. So maybe my
illness was a blessing in disguise. Since I can't keep on as I have, I'll
now have to think on something new. The people can get along without me now.
I feel as if they're my children, and suddenly I'm sending them off by
themselves. But that must sound as if I have an exaggerated opinion of
myself."

"It is a truth that can't be exaggerated," Heero said leaving no question.

Funny he should speak of such a truth. Relena's heart sighed in some state
of bliss just to look at him. He had looked away again, showing his face in
profile. The concentrating brow, the strong nose, the nearly pouting lips,
the stubborn chin. There was no doubt he was handsome almost to the point
of being beautiful. Long, sturdy, slender fingers gripped the chair in
front of him, just one more example of his physical strength. It had long
since passed when his looks affected her feelings. Oh, of course her heart
beat faster at the sight of him, but there was something else, something
more lasting. The sound of his voice, the knowledge of the goodness inside
him, all that he had done. She had fallen in love with him, with the
soldier, the boy, the man, all that he was.

She smiled softly at him, understanding him as she always could.

"I have to let them go, don't I? Just as they must let me go. I've done all
I can for them."

"A mother is always there for her children, even when she cannot be seen.
They will be stronger for that."

"Thank you, Heero. You have so much faith in me. I just hope I can continue
living up to your expectations."

He shook his head, pushing away her words.

"If you only concentrate living up to your own expectations you'll be
happier. My expectations should be the least of your thoughts."

"Your opinion matters to me, Heero. It always has," she paused, considering
her next words. "What do you want from your life?"

"What?" Heero's head snapped up, their eyes meeting. Where had that
question come from? Of course she was worried about what was happening in
her own life, but why should she care about what he wanted from his life?

"Are you happy with your life?" she asked, tucking her hair behind her ear.
Her eyes were so soft, but yet so focused. "Do you want more? A home,
family?"

"I hardly know the meaning of family or home. I have nothing to build on."

And no one to show me the meaning, he thought, or to help me understand.
Relena taught the people and the soldiers to love peace...maybe she could
show him all these things, these human things he knew so little of. They
were so alike in that respect, and it occurred to him that she knew it. The
sense of having no direction, it was in her eyes. He knew nothing of family
and home, and Relena nothing but work and diplomacy. He a soldier, she a
princess, both torn from their places and thrown together in a puzzle that
to his mind was just taking shape.

***

[Desert Bloom]

oh gawd that was so sweet and so IC for both of them I just wanted to cry. Your writing style is beautiful and original too, please keep it up. ^^ *eagerly awaiting the next chapter*

[Jannbond]

(squeels like a girl) I loved this fic. Your portrayls of Heero and Relena were just so dead-on. Their quiet feelings for each other, and their obvious maturity from the series... It was soooooo nice to read; especially considering you've got such a talented writing style.

I can't wait to skip up a page and read the second part. I'm hoping for more after that! (nods) I'm actually more a fan of odd pairings when it comes to Gundam Wing, but I thought I'd pop in here and find a fic to read... Glad yours was the first I did. ^^