New Orders Chapter 9 - Britanica Cowboy
Posted: Wed Nov 05, 2003 5:23 am
Posted here and ff.net at the same time!
Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed.
As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum.
This chapter is dedicated to my "Alucard" who helped with Pip. DAMN FLIES!!! I love you!
Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Keep them coming and I will keep my chapters coming. Thank you to those who understand that this is not a 'serious' story. It was never intended to be "accurate to the series". Just FUN!
Oh yeah. I changed my 'pen name'. I was getting tired of typing 19245631 all the time... ^^:
New Orders
Britanica Cowboy
by
Integral Hellsing
Walter sat with Henry. He was pleased that things had gone so well between Henry and Integral. "Thank you for showing Sir Integral such a lovely time. I don't recall ever seeing Integra laugh like that, even as a small child."
Henry smiled. "Well, I enjoyed myself as well. Like her, I enjoyed spending time with somebody who understands what I do."
"So are you here to schedule another date with Sir Integral?" Walter asked hopefully.
"Actually not. Integra and I discussed things between our fits of laughter.' Henry replied. "Integra told me about the orders. I don't agree with what they are forcing her to do. We talked about what kind of person she is really looking for and things will not work out between us. She confided in me. She needs somebody who can take care of her, I can not do that."
Walter was surprised. Integra confided in somebody other than the picture of her father?
"We will remain friends at least. I promised her a movie when I get back form my mission." Henry replied.
Walter was a bit disappointed but he was glad that Integra at least seemed to have had made a friend in Henry, and that in itself was a good thing. "Well, then, I guess I must make other plans for Integra tonight."
Henry looked at Walter with a serious expression on his face. "You've known Integra for a long time. I got the feeling that she likes somebody in particular. Why not set her up with him?" Henry asked.
Walter sighed. "I can't do that. You see, Integra is a very proud and stubborn woman. She believes very strongly to her duty to her country and to upholding the family honor. She won't admit her feelings."
"I see." Henry replied. He understood a lot more now. "Well, I really must be going. I hope things work out for her. Please see that she gets this?"
Henry gave Walter a small gift and left.
Several minutes passed before Walter found himself staring into the red eyes of the vampire, Alucard.
Walter looked up at the vampire. "No. Henry will not be taking Sir Integra out for a while. He has a mission that will keep him away for quite some time, I'm afraid." Walter noticed that the news seemed to please the vampire. "However, when he returns he will be spending time with Sir Integra. If anything, she seems to at least made a friend in Henry."
"So nothing serious?" Alucard asked.
Walter was amused but Alucard's question. "No. Nothing serious." He replied. "Would you be so kind as to deliver this to Integra? It's a gift from Henry. Was there anything else, Alucard?"
The vampire looked as though he wanted to say something, but shook his head and vanished with the package he had been asked to deliver. Walter sighed. It was appearing that his little plan was bringing out the emotions in at least one of the two.
Integral was seated as usual at her desk, smoking a cigar Her office door opened. She looked up and was surprised to see Alucard enter. That was odd. The vampire usually just appeared. He never used the door. Immediately her defenses went up.
"What do you want, Alucard? Can't you see that I'm busy?" Integral snapped. "Then again, that's never stopped you from bothering me before, why should I expect it to now?"
Alucard grinned. "You don't look busy," he replied getting a frown from his master. "Besides, what I want and why I am here are two completely different matters."
Integral glared. There was the Alucard that she was used to. "Okay. Humor me. Why are you here?"
Darn. Alucard had hoped that she would ask what he wanted. He snickered and tossed the little gift onto the table. "Your MI-5 lover-boy left you a present." Alucard's grin grew wider. That struck a nerve. He so much enjoyed annoying his master.
Integral angrily grabbed the gift. "Henry is not my lover-boy, Alucard." She snapped.
Alucard feigned disbelief. "What happened? The two of you looked like you were having such a lovely time." He replied. "Not enough woman for him?"
Integral growled at Alucard's comment. She knew how to be a woman... or did she? Jack was more of a woman than she ever was. She sighed. It was hopeless. She would never find somebody. Ignoring Alucard, Integral opened the gift from Henry. The enclosed card was a 'classic' Dracula image of the vampire biting the neck of a beautiful lady. The note on the back read: Integra, thank you for a wonderful evening. I look forward to laughing with you again soon. Till next time, Henry.
Alucard watched curiously as a smile flashed across his master's face.
Integral opened the gift next. There was a warning label. It read: WARNING! OPEN WITH EXTREME CAUTION. CONTENTS MAY PROVOKE UNCONTROLLED FITS OF LAUGHTER. Opening the package, Integral found herself looking at a soundtrack CD of the Dracula musical. She looked at it closely and realized that the actor playing Dracula on the CD was the actor they had seen at the theater and burst out laughing.
"What is so amusing, Master?" Alucard asked. He had never heard his master laugh before. He liked that sound.
"This!" Integral replied showing Alucard the CD.
Alucard was not amused.
Walter waited. Finally. Captain Pip Bernadette arrived in his office. He was dressed rather unceremoniously in his boxers and a t-shirt with a cigarette hanging from his lip. "This had better be important." Pip responded. "I was in the middle of something." He didn't like the idea of being called into the 'old man's' office in the middle of a strip poker game, that he was actually winning. He mused thought that it could have been worse. It could have been the boss calling and that would have meant getting dressed not to mention a ribbing by the guys.
Walter groaned. He didn't even want to know what Pip's 'something important' could be. "I have something that I would like you to do." The Hellsing retainer replied. "The Hellsing Organization will compensate you for any reasonable expenses that you may incur."
Pip was skeptical. Just what was it the old man was asking. "What is it that you want me to do? Does it involve guns?"
"That is entirely up to you." Walter replied.
"Up to me? I don't know if I like the sound of this. Hellsing paying for my expenses? Does Sir Integra know of this little mission you are sending me on?" Pip asked.
"She will shortly after you accept." Walter replied.
"I don't like the way this is sounding. Is the boss going to approve of this mission of yours?" Pip asked. He knew that Walter was the only one who could get away with doing things behind Sir Integral's back besides Alucard.
Walter sighed. He could see that Pip wasn't about to blindly say yes. "I want you to take Integra out for the evening." Walter replied. "She needs to 'get away' Let her hair down so to speak, and I think that you are just the man to do it."
Pip was surprised. "You want me to WHAT?"
"Take Sir Integra away from the house for the evening. Get her to loosen up, forget about Hellsing." Walter replied.
Images formed in Pip's mind... images that would get him shot in the head by Sir Integra, his arms sliced off expertly by the old man, and he didn't even want to think about what Alucard would do.
Walter was beginning to think he had made a big mistake in asking Pip to take Integral out as he watched the expressions that flashed across the soldier's face.
Alucard stood in front of his master's desk. He just watched her. He enjoyed watching her.
Integral looked up glaring at Alucard. "Why are you still here?" she asked.
"You haven't given me any orders, Master." Alucard grinned.
"Why don't you make yourself useful and find me a CD player." Integral replied.
"So you can play that thing?" Alucard asked pointing to the Dracula musical soundtrack. "I will not."
"Are you refusing my orders?" Integral asked glaring at the vampire.
"If you are asking me to fetch you a CD player to play that ridiculous thing, then yes. I refuse." Alucard responded.
"Alucard, I command you to get me a CD player!" Integral screamed.
Alucard loved getting his master angry. He sighed. "Very well, Master." With that Alucard vanished, only to return moments later with a CD player. He handed it to Integral.
Integral took the CD player. There were no batteries inside, and no head phones to listen to it. "Alucard, how am I supposed to use this?"
"What? I got you the CD player." He replied.
Annoyed, Integral lit a cigar. "Alucard, take the rest of the night off. I don't care what you do. Hunt, feed, just leave me alone."
"You're sending me away? But I like annoying you." Alucard grinned.
"Just go away!" Alucard chuckled and vanished.
Integral sat back in her chair, enjoying her cigar. She looked at the portrait of he father. She wondered what he would think of her situation, her habit, and how her life would have been any different had he lived longer. Would she still be in the situation she was in now? Would her relationship with Alucard be any different?
The door opened. Integral turned to the door, expecting it to be Walter. Instead she found herself looking at a showered and pressed Pip Bernadette. No. He couldn't? Walter would never, would he?
Taking a deep breath, Integral addressed the captain of her army. "Captain Bernadette, what do you want?" she asked hoping he was here for something other than what she suspected... guns, cigarettes, even porn. She didn't care.
"I'm here to take you out of here." Pip replied. "You need to get away, relax."
Integral looked at him. "Walter set you up to this didn't you? You don't have to take me out. What ever he's paying you, I'll double it."
Pip chuckled. He was actually looking forward to taking his boss out. Who knew what would happen if he got her to really loosen up? Besides all that, Integral Hellsing was one sexy lady. "I'm not getting paid for this. I'm doing this for Walter."
Integral gave him a look. "I didn't think you cared. Is there something that I should know about the two of you?"
"Very funny." Pip replied. "To be honest, I'm more afraid of what Walter will do if I don't take you out. And frankly, you don't scare me."
That hit a nerve. Integral stood up and glared at Pip.
"Fine! I'll go out with you. I'll show you, Mr. Bernadette, not to mess with me! Let's go."
Seras went searching for her master. He was nowhere to be found. She couldn't find him anywhere. She knocked on Sir Integral's office, but she got no response. She usually at least got a growl or some kind of a reply. She couldn't sense Alucard anywhere nearby either. But then that wasn't unusual since he usually shielded his presence from her. Where was everybody? Did they leave on a mission without her?
She made her way up to the roof. She was sure that she would find her Master there. The rooftop was one of Alucard's favorite places, but he wasn't there. She sighed. Nothing. Just some dried bird crap. Looking down, she noticed Pip's Hummer. Was that Sir Integra with him? Why would she be going anywhere with Pip? Business, she could understand, but Pip was dressed in civvies. It couldn't be Sir Integra, could it?
Integral climbed into the Hummer, as Pip roared the engine. Tires squealed as he peeled out of the driveway. Integra had just managed to get her legs inside before her door slammed shut from the forward momentum.
Heading out of the Hellsing Estates at full speed, Pip was not slowing down as they approached the main gates, which were opening slowly. Integral feared that he was going to hit them. As they reached the gates there was just enough room for the Hummer to clear the opening, and Pip squealed onto the public streets.
Pip continued down the road at a high rate of speed, managing to avoid every possible obstacle in their path. Integral thought that either he was an excellent driver or just extremely lucky. Deciding that Pip couldn't possibly be that good at anything, he was just lucky. She just hoped that she wasn't around when his luck ran out.
There was a loud thump against the Hummer and for an instant, Pip lost control.
"What the bloody hell was that?" Integral asked.
"Oh, nothing. We just clipped a cow." Pip responded calmly grinning gleefully as he continued his high-speed journey.
"Clipped a cow?" Integral asked as she noticed what looked like somebody walking across the road. Pip had to have seen him but wasn't slowing down.
Pip let out a cheer as he struck the figure in the road causing the body to go flying over the hood, into the window and then up onto the roof. Pip laughed as the body could be heard rolling across the roof and then not heard. "That'll teach him to stay off the roads at night!"
Integral was about to yell at Pip for running the poor guy over and stop the Hummer until a very familiar red hat flew into the windshield and then went over the roof. "Dear God, have mercy..."
Pip laughed even harder and seemed to drive even faster.
Seras continued to search the Hellsing manor for her master. She could not find anybody. She was trying to convince herself that it had not been Sir Integral she had seen getting into the Hummer with Pip. She found herself standing outside Sir Integral's office. Her master had to be inside talking to Sir Integral. It was what he enjoyed doing after all... annoying his master. He was probably shielding his presence from her. That had to be it. She knew how her master felt about his master.
Leaning against the door, Seras wished that she could see inside. The last time she witnessed her master with his master she felt hurt, but it was different now. Now she wanted to see Sir Integral with her master. That would confirm that it was not her master's master that she had seen earlier.
Suddenly, Seras fell to the floor. It a few moments before she realized that she was inside the office, but the doors were still locked. Had she phased through the doors? She was confused and then the panic struck as she looked toward Sir Integral's desk. But there was no reason to panic for the office was empty. No master, and no Sir Integral.
Deciding to take advantage of the situation, Seras looked around the office. She could still smell the lingering scent of the cigars that Sir Integral smoked. She arrived at the conclusion that she did not like that smell, although they did smell better than Pip's cigarettes. The large painting that overlooked Sir Integral's desk frightened her. She realized that it was of Sir Integral's father, her master's previous master.
Seras did not hear the door open. Walter entered as was startled to see Seras inside staring at the portrait of the previous Sir Hellsing.
"Miss Victoria?" Walter asked in his ever-pleasant tone. "May I ask what you are doing here?"
Seras jumped. "Walter! Don't scare me like that." She replied.
"I'm sorry, Miss Victoria, but you should not be in here. Sir Integra's office is off limits to everyone except me when she is not present."
Seras walked toward the door. "I didn't mean to enter. I was only looking for my master." She responded.
"Sir Integra gave him the evening off." Walter replied as he walked up to the desk to place a report for Integral to read later.
"The night off?" Seras was confused. She wanted to ask about Pip but decided it was best that she just leave. "I'll be going now. Please don't tell Sir Integra about this."
Walter sighed.
In the seedy little bar almost in the middle of nowhere that Pip had driven to, Pip slammed down his tenth shot of Wild Turkey. Integral was not far behind slamming down her ninth. Pip was rather impressed that she could keep up. He did however notice that the effects of the alcohol were beginning to take its affect on the young Hellsing leader.
A local group of rowdies walked up to Pip and Integral and started making rather lewd comments. Pip stood up to shut them up. Integral also got up.
"Better let me handle this, boss." Pip replied.
"Are you implying that I can't handle myself?" Integral responded with a slight slur to her speech looking rather insulted.
"Oh, no. That's not what I meant at all." Pip replied.
The rowdies laughed. One of them spoke up.
"Awww. What's the matter, Pip? Can't do anything without mommy's permission?" he replied.
Before Pip could react, Integral walked up to the rowdy and kicked him between the legs. "How dare you! I will not have you insulting me or my friend like that!"
Pip didn't know whether or not to risk laughing or to be shocked at Sir Integral's outburst.
"See? I can handle myself just fine. I don't need to hide behind you or my pet vampire." Integral replied proudly.
"Whatever you say, boss." Pip replied.
"Are you doubting me?" Integral asked.
"No, not in the least." Pip quickly responded.
The rowdies began to laugh. Integral turned to them and glared.
"Are you laughing at me?" she asked.
"No, we're laughing at your one-eyed boyfriend." One of them replied.
Without hesitation, Integral promptly slugged the one who said that in the face. "Pip is not my boyfriend! How dare you assume this low-life is my boyfriend!"
Pip felt as though he should be insulted. Integral had just called him a low-life, but it was just to funny watching stuffy Sir Integral Hellsing let loose on the local rowdies. Every time one of them said something she didn't like she slugged them in the face. If they touched her, she kicked them between the legs. Soon she had them begging for mercy or attempting to run off.
When it was all over, Integral adjusted her tie and poked Pip in the chest. "Don't you start anything." She replied.
Pip chuckled. "Don't worry. I won't." he replied. "Perhaps we should go now. You're drunk."
"Am not!" Integral responded like a defiant child. "I'm having much to much fun." Integral then grabbed the mug of beer that Pip was holding and downed it rather quickly.
Pip shook his head. "Oh, boy."
Alucard was not happy when he returned to the Hellsing manor. And the happy excited greeting he got from the police girl did not help any.
"Master, are you all right?" Seras asked.
Alucard glared. "No. I got run over by a truck and I lost my hat. Go away."
Seras watched as her master entered the house.
Pip returned from the restroom. Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw. Integral was standing on the table with her tie in one hand, a glass of beer in the other with another fellow, leading the bar in song.
"Hold a chicken in the air, stick a deck chair up your nose! Buy a jumbo jet, and bury all your clothes. Paint your left knee green then extract your wisdom teeth..."
Pip shook his head. What in the world was she singing? Good lord. It was terrible! He would never have believed this was happening if he wasn't witnessing it himself and even then he wasn't sure of what was going on.
"Skin yourself alive learn to speak Arapahoe. Climb inside a dog and behead an Eskimo. Eat a Renault Four, wear salami in your ears. Casserole you Gran, disembowel yourself with spears!"
That was it. Pip could stand no more. He got up onto the table and helped Integral down. "Come on. We are going home." He replied.
Integral pouted. "You're not fun."
Pip sighed as he led Integral out of the bar to his Hummer. He wasn't sure Integral would remember much of the evening. He hoped that she wouldn't. He tried to get her inside the Hummer when she noticed something on the roof and tired to climb up and get it.
"Get inside," Pip replied.
"But I want it!" Integral whined.
Pip sighed. "Get inside. I'll get it." He replied.
"You will?" Integral asked getting in.
"Yes." Pip climbed up and cursed. He tried to laugh at the implications of what the object stuck in the equipment rack meant. He climbed down with the object and gave it to Integral.
"Oooh! This looks like Alucard's hat!" Integral squealed.
Pip shook his head as he got into the driver's seat. He started motor and drove home.
On the way, Integral began to ramble. Pip was only half listening. But then she started saying some interesting things.
"I can't stand that stupid police girl. At first I didn't like her because I thought she was going to take my Alucard away from me." Integral replied. "She likes you. I'm glad. Alucard is my friend. I like him. Do you think he likes me?"
"What? Huh? Alucard?" Pip responded suddenly realizing that Integral had asked him a question. "Yeah, I think he likes you."
Integral giggled and clutched the 'Alucard' hat to her chest. "Oh goodie!" With that she passed out.
"Goodie?" Pip laughed.
When Pip returned to the Hellsing manor, Alucard was sitting on the front steps, hatless, sipping on his nightly blood ration. Pip began to curse, but then looked at Integral who was sleeping peacefully in the front seat clutching Alucard's hat to her chest.
Alucard met pip as he opened the door. Alucard reached inside and gently took the sleeping form of his master inside. Pip was speechless and holding his breath until the vampire was inside. He then let out a huge sigh of relief.
Seras watched from the rooftop. What was Sir Integral doing in the front seat of Pip's Hummer?
Alucard entered Integral's room. He gently put her down on the bed. He stood there watching her. He wanted to get his hat back.
Finally, Alucard decided that he would attempt to make his master as comfortable as possible. He carefully changed her into her nightgown and tucked her into bed. She however still had his hat.
He leaned in to try and take it from her. Even in her sleep she would not relinquish the hat. Alucard was persistent. He got his hat, however, Integral had his arm. He tried to get her to release his arm but it was to no avail. He tugged, she whined. Alucard leaned in and kissed his master on the cheek and Integral released his arm with a smile.
Alucard backed away from the bed and stood there watching to make sure that she was resting peacefully. When he was satisfied he vanished from the room.
Whew! Well, that was long...
Next chapter: Reflections... another interlude... The end is drawing near.. unfortunately I have no idea on how to end it.
Oh yes... Integra's song.. No, I did not make those word up... They are from Spitting Image. It's called "The Chicken Song" Spitting Image is a British group who used puppets to spoof world leaders and such
Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed.
As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum.
This chapter is dedicated to my "Alucard" who helped with Pip. DAMN FLIES!!! I love you!
Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Keep them coming and I will keep my chapters coming. Thank you to those who understand that this is not a 'serious' story. It was never intended to be "accurate to the series". Just FUN!
Oh yeah. I changed my 'pen name'. I was getting tired of typing 19245631 all the time... ^^:
New Orders
Britanica Cowboy
by
Integral Hellsing
Walter sat with Henry. He was pleased that things had gone so well between Henry and Integral. "Thank you for showing Sir Integral such a lovely time. I don't recall ever seeing Integra laugh like that, even as a small child."
Henry smiled. "Well, I enjoyed myself as well. Like her, I enjoyed spending time with somebody who understands what I do."
"So are you here to schedule another date with Sir Integral?" Walter asked hopefully.
"Actually not. Integra and I discussed things between our fits of laughter.' Henry replied. "Integra told me about the orders. I don't agree with what they are forcing her to do. We talked about what kind of person she is really looking for and things will not work out between us. She confided in me. She needs somebody who can take care of her, I can not do that."
Walter was surprised. Integra confided in somebody other than the picture of her father?
"We will remain friends at least. I promised her a movie when I get back form my mission." Henry replied.
Walter was a bit disappointed but he was glad that Integra at least seemed to have had made a friend in Henry, and that in itself was a good thing. "Well, then, I guess I must make other plans for Integra tonight."
Henry looked at Walter with a serious expression on his face. "You've known Integra for a long time. I got the feeling that she likes somebody in particular. Why not set her up with him?" Henry asked.
Walter sighed. "I can't do that. You see, Integra is a very proud and stubborn woman. She believes very strongly to her duty to her country and to upholding the family honor. She won't admit her feelings."
"I see." Henry replied. He understood a lot more now. "Well, I really must be going. I hope things work out for her. Please see that she gets this?"
Henry gave Walter a small gift and left.
Several minutes passed before Walter found himself staring into the red eyes of the vampire, Alucard.
Walter looked up at the vampire. "No. Henry will not be taking Sir Integra out for a while. He has a mission that will keep him away for quite some time, I'm afraid." Walter noticed that the news seemed to please the vampire. "However, when he returns he will be spending time with Sir Integra. If anything, she seems to at least made a friend in Henry."
"So nothing serious?" Alucard asked.
Walter was amused but Alucard's question. "No. Nothing serious." He replied. "Would you be so kind as to deliver this to Integra? It's a gift from Henry. Was there anything else, Alucard?"
The vampire looked as though he wanted to say something, but shook his head and vanished with the package he had been asked to deliver. Walter sighed. It was appearing that his little plan was bringing out the emotions in at least one of the two.
Integral was seated as usual at her desk, smoking a cigar Her office door opened. She looked up and was surprised to see Alucard enter. That was odd. The vampire usually just appeared. He never used the door. Immediately her defenses went up.
"What do you want, Alucard? Can't you see that I'm busy?" Integral snapped. "Then again, that's never stopped you from bothering me before, why should I expect it to now?"
Alucard grinned. "You don't look busy," he replied getting a frown from his master. "Besides, what I want and why I am here are two completely different matters."
Integral glared. There was the Alucard that she was used to. "Okay. Humor me. Why are you here?"
Darn. Alucard had hoped that she would ask what he wanted. He snickered and tossed the little gift onto the table. "Your MI-5 lover-boy left you a present." Alucard's grin grew wider. That struck a nerve. He so much enjoyed annoying his master.
Integral angrily grabbed the gift. "Henry is not my lover-boy, Alucard." She snapped.
Alucard feigned disbelief. "What happened? The two of you looked like you were having such a lovely time." He replied. "Not enough woman for him?"
Integral growled at Alucard's comment. She knew how to be a woman... or did she? Jack was more of a woman than she ever was. She sighed. It was hopeless. She would never find somebody. Ignoring Alucard, Integral opened the gift from Henry. The enclosed card was a 'classic' Dracula image of the vampire biting the neck of a beautiful lady. The note on the back read: Integra, thank you for a wonderful evening. I look forward to laughing with you again soon. Till next time, Henry.
Alucard watched curiously as a smile flashed across his master's face.
Integral opened the gift next. There was a warning label. It read: WARNING! OPEN WITH EXTREME CAUTION. CONTENTS MAY PROVOKE UNCONTROLLED FITS OF LAUGHTER. Opening the package, Integral found herself looking at a soundtrack CD of the Dracula musical. She looked at it closely and realized that the actor playing Dracula on the CD was the actor they had seen at the theater and burst out laughing.
"What is so amusing, Master?" Alucard asked. He had never heard his master laugh before. He liked that sound.
"This!" Integral replied showing Alucard the CD.
Alucard was not amused.
Walter waited. Finally. Captain Pip Bernadette arrived in his office. He was dressed rather unceremoniously in his boxers and a t-shirt with a cigarette hanging from his lip. "This had better be important." Pip responded. "I was in the middle of something." He didn't like the idea of being called into the 'old man's' office in the middle of a strip poker game, that he was actually winning. He mused thought that it could have been worse. It could have been the boss calling and that would have meant getting dressed not to mention a ribbing by the guys.
Walter groaned. He didn't even want to know what Pip's 'something important' could be. "I have something that I would like you to do." The Hellsing retainer replied. "The Hellsing Organization will compensate you for any reasonable expenses that you may incur."
Pip was skeptical. Just what was it the old man was asking. "What is it that you want me to do? Does it involve guns?"
"That is entirely up to you." Walter replied.
"Up to me? I don't know if I like the sound of this. Hellsing paying for my expenses? Does Sir Integra know of this little mission you are sending me on?" Pip asked.
"She will shortly after you accept." Walter replied.
"I don't like the way this is sounding. Is the boss going to approve of this mission of yours?" Pip asked. He knew that Walter was the only one who could get away with doing things behind Sir Integral's back besides Alucard.
Walter sighed. He could see that Pip wasn't about to blindly say yes. "I want you to take Integra out for the evening." Walter replied. "She needs to 'get away' Let her hair down so to speak, and I think that you are just the man to do it."
Pip was surprised. "You want me to WHAT?"
"Take Sir Integra away from the house for the evening. Get her to loosen up, forget about Hellsing." Walter replied.
Images formed in Pip's mind... images that would get him shot in the head by Sir Integra, his arms sliced off expertly by the old man, and he didn't even want to think about what Alucard would do.
Walter was beginning to think he had made a big mistake in asking Pip to take Integral out as he watched the expressions that flashed across the soldier's face.
Alucard stood in front of his master's desk. He just watched her. He enjoyed watching her.
Integral looked up glaring at Alucard. "Why are you still here?" she asked.
"You haven't given me any orders, Master." Alucard grinned.
"Why don't you make yourself useful and find me a CD player." Integral replied.
"So you can play that thing?" Alucard asked pointing to the Dracula musical soundtrack. "I will not."
"Are you refusing my orders?" Integral asked glaring at the vampire.
"If you are asking me to fetch you a CD player to play that ridiculous thing, then yes. I refuse." Alucard responded.
"Alucard, I command you to get me a CD player!" Integral screamed.
Alucard loved getting his master angry. He sighed. "Very well, Master." With that Alucard vanished, only to return moments later with a CD player. He handed it to Integral.
Integral took the CD player. There were no batteries inside, and no head phones to listen to it. "Alucard, how am I supposed to use this?"
"What? I got you the CD player." He replied.
Annoyed, Integral lit a cigar. "Alucard, take the rest of the night off. I don't care what you do. Hunt, feed, just leave me alone."
"You're sending me away? But I like annoying you." Alucard grinned.
"Just go away!" Alucard chuckled and vanished.
Integral sat back in her chair, enjoying her cigar. She looked at the portrait of he father. She wondered what he would think of her situation, her habit, and how her life would have been any different had he lived longer. Would she still be in the situation she was in now? Would her relationship with Alucard be any different?
The door opened. Integral turned to the door, expecting it to be Walter. Instead she found herself looking at a showered and pressed Pip Bernadette. No. He couldn't? Walter would never, would he?
Taking a deep breath, Integral addressed the captain of her army. "Captain Bernadette, what do you want?" she asked hoping he was here for something other than what she suspected... guns, cigarettes, even porn. She didn't care.
"I'm here to take you out of here." Pip replied. "You need to get away, relax."
Integral looked at him. "Walter set you up to this didn't you? You don't have to take me out. What ever he's paying you, I'll double it."
Pip chuckled. He was actually looking forward to taking his boss out. Who knew what would happen if he got her to really loosen up? Besides all that, Integral Hellsing was one sexy lady. "I'm not getting paid for this. I'm doing this for Walter."
Integral gave him a look. "I didn't think you cared. Is there something that I should know about the two of you?"
"Very funny." Pip replied. "To be honest, I'm more afraid of what Walter will do if I don't take you out. And frankly, you don't scare me."
That hit a nerve. Integral stood up and glared at Pip.
"Fine! I'll go out with you. I'll show you, Mr. Bernadette, not to mess with me! Let's go."
Seras went searching for her master. He was nowhere to be found. She couldn't find him anywhere. She knocked on Sir Integral's office, but she got no response. She usually at least got a growl or some kind of a reply. She couldn't sense Alucard anywhere nearby either. But then that wasn't unusual since he usually shielded his presence from her. Where was everybody? Did they leave on a mission without her?
She made her way up to the roof. She was sure that she would find her Master there. The rooftop was one of Alucard's favorite places, but he wasn't there. She sighed. Nothing. Just some dried bird crap. Looking down, she noticed Pip's Hummer. Was that Sir Integra with him? Why would she be going anywhere with Pip? Business, she could understand, but Pip was dressed in civvies. It couldn't be Sir Integra, could it?
Integral climbed into the Hummer, as Pip roared the engine. Tires squealed as he peeled out of the driveway. Integra had just managed to get her legs inside before her door slammed shut from the forward momentum.
Heading out of the Hellsing Estates at full speed, Pip was not slowing down as they approached the main gates, which were opening slowly. Integral feared that he was going to hit them. As they reached the gates there was just enough room for the Hummer to clear the opening, and Pip squealed onto the public streets.
Pip continued down the road at a high rate of speed, managing to avoid every possible obstacle in their path. Integral thought that either he was an excellent driver or just extremely lucky. Deciding that Pip couldn't possibly be that good at anything, he was just lucky. She just hoped that she wasn't around when his luck ran out.
There was a loud thump against the Hummer and for an instant, Pip lost control.
"What the bloody hell was that?" Integral asked.
"Oh, nothing. We just clipped a cow." Pip responded calmly grinning gleefully as he continued his high-speed journey.
"Clipped a cow?" Integral asked as she noticed what looked like somebody walking across the road. Pip had to have seen him but wasn't slowing down.
Pip let out a cheer as he struck the figure in the road causing the body to go flying over the hood, into the window and then up onto the roof. Pip laughed as the body could be heard rolling across the roof and then not heard. "That'll teach him to stay off the roads at night!"
Integral was about to yell at Pip for running the poor guy over and stop the Hummer until a very familiar red hat flew into the windshield and then went over the roof. "Dear God, have mercy..."
Pip laughed even harder and seemed to drive even faster.
Seras continued to search the Hellsing manor for her master. She could not find anybody. She was trying to convince herself that it had not been Sir Integral she had seen getting into the Hummer with Pip. She found herself standing outside Sir Integral's office. Her master had to be inside talking to Sir Integral. It was what he enjoyed doing after all... annoying his master. He was probably shielding his presence from her. That had to be it. She knew how her master felt about his master.
Leaning against the door, Seras wished that she could see inside. The last time she witnessed her master with his master she felt hurt, but it was different now. Now she wanted to see Sir Integral with her master. That would confirm that it was not her master's master that she had seen earlier.
Suddenly, Seras fell to the floor. It a few moments before she realized that she was inside the office, but the doors were still locked. Had she phased through the doors? She was confused and then the panic struck as she looked toward Sir Integral's desk. But there was no reason to panic for the office was empty. No master, and no Sir Integral.
Deciding to take advantage of the situation, Seras looked around the office. She could still smell the lingering scent of the cigars that Sir Integral smoked. She arrived at the conclusion that she did not like that smell, although they did smell better than Pip's cigarettes. The large painting that overlooked Sir Integral's desk frightened her. She realized that it was of Sir Integral's father, her master's previous master.
Seras did not hear the door open. Walter entered as was startled to see Seras inside staring at the portrait of the previous Sir Hellsing.
"Miss Victoria?" Walter asked in his ever-pleasant tone. "May I ask what you are doing here?"
Seras jumped. "Walter! Don't scare me like that." She replied.
"I'm sorry, Miss Victoria, but you should not be in here. Sir Integra's office is off limits to everyone except me when she is not present."
Seras walked toward the door. "I didn't mean to enter. I was only looking for my master." She responded.
"Sir Integra gave him the evening off." Walter replied as he walked up to the desk to place a report for Integral to read later.
"The night off?" Seras was confused. She wanted to ask about Pip but decided it was best that she just leave. "I'll be going now. Please don't tell Sir Integra about this."
Walter sighed.
In the seedy little bar almost in the middle of nowhere that Pip had driven to, Pip slammed down his tenth shot of Wild Turkey. Integral was not far behind slamming down her ninth. Pip was rather impressed that she could keep up. He did however notice that the effects of the alcohol were beginning to take its affect on the young Hellsing leader.
A local group of rowdies walked up to Pip and Integral and started making rather lewd comments. Pip stood up to shut them up. Integral also got up.
"Better let me handle this, boss." Pip replied.
"Are you implying that I can't handle myself?" Integral responded with a slight slur to her speech looking rather insulted.
"Oh, no. That's not what I meant at all." Pip replied.
The rowdies laughed. One of them spoke up.
"Awww. What's the matter, Pip? Can't do anything without mommy's permission?" he replied.
Before Pip could react, Integral walked up to the rowdy and kicked him between the legs. "How dare you! I will not have you insulting me or my friend like that!"
Pip didn't know whether or not to risk laughing or to be shocked at Sir Integral's outburst.
"See? I can handle myself just fine. I don't need to hide behind you or my pet vampire." Integral replied proudly.
"Whatever you say, boss." Pip replied.
"Are you doubting me?" Integral asked.
"No, not in the least." Pip quickly responded.
The rowdies began to laugh. Integral turned to them and glared.
"Are you laughing at me?" she asked.
"No, we're laughing at your one-eyed boyfriend." One of them replied.
Without hesitation, Integral promptly slugged the one who said that in the face. "Pip is not my boyfriend! How dare you assume this low-life is my boyfriend!"
Pip felt as though he should be insulted. Integral had just called him a low-life, but it was just to funny watching stuffy Sir Integral Hellsing let loose on the local rowdies. Every time one of them said something she didn't like she slugged them in the face. If they touched her, she kicked them between the legs. Soon she had them begging for mercy or attempting to run off.
When it was all over, Integral adjusted her tie and poked Pip in the chest. "Don't you start anything." She replied.
Pip chuckled. "Don't worry. I won't." he replied. "Perhaps we should go now. You're drunk."
"Am not!" Integral responded like a defiant child. "I'm having much to much fun." Integral then grabbed the mug of beer that Pip was holding and downed it rather quickly.
Pip shook his head. "Oh, boy."
Alucard was not happy when he returned to the Hellsing manor. And the happy excited greeting he got from the police girl did not help any.
"Master, are you all right?" Seras asked.
Alucard glared. "No. I got run over by a truck and I lost my hat. Go away."
Seras watched as her master entered the house.
Pip returned from the restroom. Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw. Integral was standing on the table with her tie in one hand, a glass of beer in the other with another fellow, leading the bar in song.
"Hold a chicken in the air, stick a deck chair up your nose! Buy a jumbo jet, and bury all your clothes. Paint your left knee green then extract your wisdom teeth..."
Pip shook his head. What in the world was she singing? Good lord. It was terrible! He would never have believed this was happening if he wasn't witnessing it himself and even then he wasn't sure of what was going on.
"Skin yourself alive learn to speak Arapahoe. Climb inside a dog and behead an Eskimo. Eat a Renault Four, wear salami in your ears. Casserole you Gran, disembowel yourself with spears!"
That was it. Pip could stand no more. He got up onto the table and helped Integral down. "Come on. We are going home." He replied.
Integral pouted. "You're not fun."
Pip sighed as he led Integral out of the bar to his Hummer. He wasn't sure Integral would remember much of the evening. He hoped that she wouldn't. He tried to get her inside the Hummer when she noticed something on the roof and tired to climb up and get it.
"Get inside," Pip replied.
"But I want it!" Integral whined.
Pip sighed. "Get inside. I'll get it." He replied.
"You will?" Integral asked getting in.
"Yes." Pip climbed up and cursed. He tried to laugh at the implications of what the object stuck in the equipment rack meant. He climbed down with the object and gave it to Integral.
"Oooh! This looks like Alucard's hat!" Integral squealed.
Pip shook his head as he got into the driver's seat. He started motor and drove home.
On the way, Integral began to ramble. Pip was only half listening. But then she started saying some interesting things.
"I can't stand that stupid police girl. At first I didn't like her because I thought she was going to take my Alucard away from me." Integral replied. "She likes you. I'm glad. Alucard is my friend. I like him. Do you think he likes me?"
"What? Huh? Alucard?" Pip responded suddenly realizing that Integral had asked him a question. "Yeah, I think he likes you."
Integral giggled and clutched the 'Alucard' hat to her chest. "Oh goodie!" With that she passed out.
"Goodie?" Pip laughed.
When Pip returned to the Hellsing manor, Alucard was sitting on the front steps, hatless, sipping on his nightly blood ration. Pip began to curse, but then looked at Integral who was sleeping peacefully in the front seat clutching Alucard's hat to her chest.
Alucard met pip as he opened the door. Alucard reached inside and gently took the sleeping form of his master inside. Pip was speechless and holding his breath until the vampire was inside. He then let out a huge sigh of relief.
Seras watched from the rooftop. What was Sir Integral doing in the front seat of Pip's Hummer?
Alucard entered Integral's room. He gently put her down on the bed. He stood there watching her. He wanted to get his hat back.
Finally, Alucard decided that he would attempt to make his master as comfortable as possible. He carefully changed her into her nightgown and tucked her into bed. She however still had his hat.
He leaned in to try and take it from her. Even in her sleep she would not relinquish the hat. Alucard was persistent. He got his hat, however, Integral had his arm. He tried to get her to release his arm but it was to no avail. He tugged, she whined. Alucard leaned in and kissed his master on the cheek and Integral released his arm with a smile.
Alucard backed away from the bed and stood there watching to make sure that she was resting peacefully. When he was satisfied he vanished from the room.
Whew! Well, that was long...
Next chapter: Reflections... another interlude... The end is drawing near.. unfortunately I have no idea on how to end it.
Oh yes... Integra's song.. No, I did not make those word up... They are from Spitting Image. It's called "The Chicken Song" Spitting Image is a British group who used puppets to spoof world leaders and such
