The Wet Carpet 4/?
Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2003 2:24 pm
Disclaimer: I don't own it. So sad...
AN- I don't think a lot of people like this fic.
I'm gonna finish it, though, so bear with me. This part has a good deal of Heero slapstick...
Warnings: Um...none that i can think of.
Rating: PG i suppose
PART FOUR
"Murow."
Heero fixed the creature with his death glare. In the darkness of the kitchen, two glowing green eyes stared just a sharply back up at him.
"Omae o koroso," he said, no longer afraid of Relena or that idiot man overhearing him. Who would be up at 4:15 AM? Night duty had always been Heero's favorite up until a little while ago, that is, and now it suited his purposes perfectly. What better way to get rid of this wet carpet monster than to cause it to destroy Quatre's kitchen in the dead of night with only him as witness? Heero smirked and mentally patted himself on the back. Perfect. Heero Yuy, you are a genius.
Mission objective: Destroy the enemy.
Mission accomplishment: Cause Relena to dislike the wet carpet, WC (shorter, code name used for mission outlines), and do so by destroying Quatre's kitchen.
Accomplishment of the Mission Accomplishment: Use flour, sugar, eggs, cereal, cat food, feces, urine or any other objects to?destroy Quatre's kitchen.
Heero listened to the distinct ticking of the grandfather clock, waiting for the perfect opportunity. At 4:30 AM, he heard the rolling, eerie bonging of the bells and cracked his knuckles. "State status, Wet Carpet."
"Murow."
Heero blinked, looking upward in the darkness, trying to find the source of the response. It sounded as if the piece of manure was atop a cabinet or perhaps, the refrigerator. Ah, all the better.
The Japanese man leaned back again the refrigerator, relaxing his body and smirking at the thought of his success. Why not just let the little monster destroy himself as it clambered atop the tall refrigerator? The fact that it was up there was not what would cause the downfall, but the fact that there were tubs of flour, sugar, and other baking goods balanced precariously against the edge would do it. And he, Heero Yuy, didn't even have to lift a finger!
Yes, there it was, the sound of something shifting. Heero could feel the tremors of the moving tub of whatever through the refrigerator door. His growing excitement and sense of accomplishment was wiped away, though when he realized his mistake a moment too late. The large container of flour bashed painfully atop the man's head with a deafening 'CRACK', sending him sprawling, covered in flour from head to foot. Too dazed to even move, Heero grunted in pain as a large Tupperware box of sugar thudded into his ribs and cracked, spewing sugar everywhere.
For a moment, he lay dazed, unable to move or think. A faint 'plop' sounded as the monster landed from his disaster for the kitchen. Unable to move an inch, he listened as the progress of the monster grew closer and closer to his body. A soft purring breath resounded in his ear, then a cold wet nose toughed the bare skin of his neck. Heero grunted again as he felt a heavy paw settle on his stomach. Slowly, three more paws were atop his body. They slowly moved down his torso, and just as the Japanese man was about to sit up, all four of them lifted with force (causing an exhalation of air to leave his lungs), then pouched against his crotch. Heero saw stars, cross-eyed in pain. (And Relena said they needed to feed it more! It weighted a ton already, Heero could vouch for that!) The weight of the paws lifted from the very sensitive area and shifted further down his legs. Then, Heero could feel something warm and rancid wetting the crotch of his trousers. Oh, God. Slowly raising his head, he stared down at the animal standing just at his crotch, clean and ginger striped, currently using him as his?dare he think it?litter box.
That beast, that monster, that wet carpet, would have been dead right then and there if one of the night guards had not made a mad dash into the kitchen, shining a bright light right into poor, befuddled, and very white Heero Yuy's eyes. "Intruder! You have the right to remain silent. Anything?"
Before Heero could even speak, he was thrown against the table, handcuffed, and dragged out of the house. It was all completed in just under three minutes, thanks to his own vigorous training schedule, though Heero scowled, realizing they had tested at under two minutes before that. This new group was getting slack with Relena's protection.
Had he not been covered in flour, sugar, urine, handcuffed, or dragged, the Japanese man would have noted a tall, brown-haired man slinking off and snickering at the whole scene.
As he was thrown painfully into a Preventers patrol car, the ex-Gundam Pilot finally regained his voice. "I'm Heero Yuy."
He could feel the tug of the seatbelt across his wet, and now cold, lap as the driver stepped on the breaks at a stop sign. "Yeah, sure, and I bet you piloted the Gundam, too, buddy."
Heero scowled. "Zero."
"What was that?"
"My Gundam's name was Zero."
More laugher as the passenger turned around the peer cheekily at his prisoner through the thick metal chains separating the cabin. "You honestly expect us to believe that you, who tried to attack Relena Darlian and was stopped by none other than her cat, and pissed your pants on top of it all, are Heero Yuy? Right buddy, I bet they'll let you plead insane with that one!"
Heero scowled, though he had no idea it made him look more like a mime than a frightening soldier. "I will not go to jail because I am Heero Yuy."
More laughter followed this pronouncement. Heero smirked inwardly. His hands were almost free from the cuffs. When they were, he'd teach those damn kids to laugh at him, of all people. But, before he could carry through with this lovely thought, Heero was yanked from the now stopped vehicle and dragged into the Preventers's local station.
? * * *
Relena stood yawning in the bright artificial sunlight of L3, smiling at the new day, and in her arms, WC resided, purring peacefully now that that man was away. Her gentle fingers touched his fur in just the right places, making him want to be able to stretch out fully in her lap. This was a problem, however, because she wasn't sitting down, therefore, no lap was attainable. Her arms were pleasant enough though.
Then, the plotting creature sensed the presence of another. WC hissed and spat in shock, watching the grimy Heero Yuy walk into the Victorian hallway with a set of handcuffs dangling lightly from his wrists, a urine stain across the from of his trousers, and white smudging everything.
Relena stared in shock.
Heero scowled at the beast in her arms. You may have won this battle, but I shall win the war. Understand that, beast.
"Heero?" she asked hesitantly.
"Don't ask."
And for the first time in the last few weeks, her temper did not flare; she only watched as he trudged wearily past her into the room beyond. Slowly turning around, the woman blinked. Then, she smiled down at the cat in her arms. "Yes, Winston, let's go get some breakfast for my brave little boy, hm? Don't you want some?"
She headed off in the direction of the kitchen.
? * * *
Later that morning, just a Heero exited the shower, he blinked, pausing to listen to the woman's beautiful laughter rippling down the hallways. With it came an exclamation from that braided man. "He even broke out of jail! I had to go down to investigate before I realized that it was him! MUAHAHAHA!"
Ouch. He had better find some place to slink off to and lick his wounds, especially away from Relena, Duo, and that infernal beast, Wet Carpet.
Okay, so no 1/R action this chapter, but i promise, next time. I already have it written out, so please R&R! Pu-lease!
AN- I don't think a lot of people like this fic.
I'm gonna finish it, though, so bear with me. This part has a good deal of Heero slapstick...Warnings: Um...none that i can think of.
Rating: PG i suppose
PART FOUR
"Murow."
Heero fixed the creature with his death glare. In the darkness of the kitchen, two glowing green eyes stared just a sharply back up at him.
"Omae o koroso," he said, no longer afraid of Relena or that idiot man overhearing him. Who would be up at 4:15 AM? Night duty had always been Heero's favorite up until a little while ago, that is, and now it suited his purposes perfectly. What better way to get rid of this wet carpet monster than to cause it to destroy Quatre's kitchen in the dead of night with only him as witness? Heero smirked and mentally patted himself on the back. Perfect. Heero Yuy, you are a genius.
Mission objective: Destroy the enemy.
Mission accomplishment: Cause Relena to dislike the wet carpet, WC (shorter, code name used for mission outlines), and do so by destroying Quatre's kitchen.
Accomplishment of the Mission Accomplishment: Use flour, sugar, eggs, cereal, cat food, feces, urine or any other objects to?destroy Quatre's kitchen.
Heero listened to the distinct ticking of the grandfather clock, waiting for the perfect opportunity. At 4:30 AM, he heard the rolling, eerie bonging of the bells and cracked his knuckles. "State status, Wet Carpet."
"Murow."
Heero blinked, looking upward in the darkness, trying to find the source of the response. It sounded as if the piece of manure was atop a cabinet or perhaps, the refrigerator. Ah, all the better.
The Japanese man leaned back again the refrigerator, relaxing his body and smirking at the thought of his success. Why not just let the little monster destroy himself as it clambered atop the tall refrigerator? The fact that it was up there was not what would cause the downfall, but the fact that there were tubs of flour, sugar, and other baking goods balanced precariously against the edge would do it. And he, Heero Yuy, didn't even have to lift a finger!
Yes, there it was, the sound of something shifting. Heero could feel the tremors of the moving tub of whatever through the refrigerator door. His growing excitement and sense of accomplishment was wiped away, though when he realized his mistake a moment too late. The large container of flour bashed painfully atop the man's head with a deafening 'CRACK', sending him sprawling, covered in flour from head to foot. Too dazed to even move, Heero grunted in pain as a large Tupperware box of sugar thudded into his ribs and cracked, spewing sugar everywhere.
For a moment, he lay dazed, unable to move or think. A faint 'plop' sounded as the monster landed from his disaster for the kitchen. Unable to move an inch, he listened as the progress of the monster grew closer and closer to his body. A soft purring breath resounded in his ear, then a cold wet nose toughed the bare skin of his neck. Heero grunted again as he felt a heavy paw settle on his stomach. Slowly, three more paws were atop his body. They slowly moved down his torso, and just as the Japanese man was about to sit up, all four of them lifted with force (causing an exhalation of air to leave his lungs), then pouched against his crotch. Heero saw stars, cross-eyed in pain. (And Relena said they needed to feed it more! It weighted a ton already, Heero could vouch for that!) The weight of the paws lifted from the very sensitive area and shifted further down his legs. Then, Heero could feel something warm and rancid wetting the crotch of his trousers. Oh, God. Slowly raising his head, he stared down at the animal standing just at his crotch, clean and ginger striped, currently using him as his?dare he think it?litter box.
That beast, that monster, that wet carpet, would have been dead right then and there if one of the night guards had not made a mad dash into the kitchen, shining a bright light right into poor, befuddled, and very white Heero Yuy's eyes. "Intruder! You have the right to remain silent. Anything?"
Before Heero could even speak, he was thrown against the table, handcuffed, and dragged out of the house. It was all completed in just under three minutes, thanks to his own vigorous training schedule, though Heero scowled, realizing they had tested at under two minutes before that. This new group was getting slack with Relena's protection.
Had he not been covered in flour, sugar, urine, handcuffed, or dragged, the Japanese man would have noted a tall, brown-haired man slinking off and snickering at the whole scene.
As he was thrown painfully into a Preventers patrol car, the ex-Gundam Pilot finally regained his voice. "I'm Heero Yuy."
He could feel the tug of the seatbelt across his wet, and now cold, lap as the driver stepped on the breaks at a stop sign. "Yeah, sure, and I bet you piloted the Gundam, too, buddy."
Heero scowled. "Zero."
"What was that?"
"My Gundam's name was Zero."
More laugher as the passenger turned around the peer cheekily at his prisoner through the thick metal chains separating the cabin. "You honestly expect us to believe that you, who tried to attack Relena Darlian and was stopped by none other than her cat, and pissed your pants on top of it all, are Heero Yuy? Right buddy, I bet they'll let you plead insane with that one!"
Heero scowled, though he had no idea it made him look more like a mime than a frightening soldier. "I will not go to jail because I am Heero Yuy."
More laughter followed this pronouncement. Heero smirked inwardly. His hands were almost free from the cuffs. When they were, he'd teach those damn kids to laugh at him, of all people. But, before he could carry through with this lovely thought, Heero was yanked from the now stopped vehicle and dragged into the Preventers's local station.
? * * *
Relena stood yawning in the bright artificial sunlight of L3, smiling at the new day, and in her arms, WC resided, purring peacefully now that that man was away. Her gentle fingers touched his fur in just the right places, making him want to be able to stretch out fully in her lap. This was a problem, however, because she wasn't sitting down, therefore, no lap was attainable. Her arms were pleasant enough though.
Then, the plotting creature sensed the presence of another. WC hissed and spat in shock, watching the grimy Heero Yuy walk into the Victorian hallway with a set of handcuffs dangling lightly from his wrists, a urine stain across the from of his trousers, and white smudging everything.
Relena stared in shock.
Heero scowled at the beast in her arms. You may have won this battle, but I shall win the war. Understand that, beast.
"Heero?" she asked hesitantly.
"Don't ask."
And for the first time in the last few weeks, her temper did not flare; she only watched as he trudged wearily past her into the room beyond. Slowly turning around, the woman blinked. Then, she smiled down at the cat in her arms. "Yes, Winston, let's go get some breakfast for my brave little boy, hm? Don't you want some?"
She headed off in the direction of the kitchen.
? * * *
Later that morning, just a Heero exited the shower, he blinked, pausing to listen to the woman's beautiful laughter rippling down the hallways. With it came an exclamation from that braided man. "He even broke out of jail! I had to go down to investigate before I realized that it was him! MUAHAHAHA!"
Ouch. He had better find some place to slink off to and lick his wounds, especially away from Relena, Duo, and that infernal beast, Wet Carpet.
Okay, so no 1/R action this chapter, but i promise, next time. I already have it written out, so please R&R! Pu-lease!