Three Little Words (2/?)
Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2003 5:40 pm
Disclaimer: Blah Blah don't own yadda yadda don't sue. Please.
Glares at story. :evil: Oh this is sooo bad. Why did I write this. Coz Rose keeps poking me, thats why. Well it was written ages ago buits its still bad. I hope no-one minds the piss-take texan accent (hides from scary commander).
Here goes. Thanks to Ryan for pre-reading.
Three Little Words
By Beer-Monster
Chapter 2
Denial : Only your Friend.
The first rays of the morning sun fell through the open curtains, and crept slowly across the black sheets as the sun rose gently over the caps of the Sanc Kingdom's mountains. The light illuminated the dark ripples of the fabric until the sun had reached such as height as to shine fully upon the head of unruly brown hair that barely peaked out above the covers. The dawn concentrated all of its light upon that head, until it stirred lethargically and groaned.
" Damned Morning," Heero muttered as he sat up and peered around his dimly lit room with the bloodshot eyes that were indicative of a hard nights drinking. <The day always manages to find you even when you don't want it to,> he thought.
He glanced over at the clock, which was flashing the digits 6: 36. It was far to early to be moving about or even to be awake, especially considering he felt as if his brain had been used for the ball in a championship squash game. Dragging himself out of bed he stomped over to the window and yanked the curtains closed, then he noticed that his throat was parched and his lips felt dry and cracked.
Sighing loudly he made his way to the bathroom, once again cursing the morning and his own overindulgence of alcohol. The sound of tap water splashing into a glass tumbler had never seemed so loud, the noise almost deafening his hangover heightened hearing. Heero took two large gulps from of the cool liquid, swilling the last one around his mouth and relishing the sensation of moisture returning to his mouth. He then stared at the barely recognizable face staring back at him in the mirror.
Then the face morphed and twisted becoming another. This face was beautiful beyond all human speech, possessing long golden waves of hair and sparkling sapphire eyes. He could barely recall those eyes gleaming with wonder as he clumsily ran his fingers along her cheek. Then the confusion and fear in those irises and he whispered the words he swore that he would never utter.
I love you Relena
Those words echoed in his head again and again resounding off of his mental walls. The tumbler fell from numb fingers and shattered against the tiled floor. Water spread across the tiles and carried with it a thin, red streak of blood from where the glass had cut his foot.
" What have I done?" he asked his own reflection, it answered with a blank stare. The accusation of his own Prussian eyes was overwhelmed him. With a viscous snarl he thrust his fist through the mirror, shards of reflective glass exploding away from the impact and slicing his skin.
<You fucking moron!> he mentally screamed at himself. Spinning around he snatched onto the shower curtain and tore it from its rail.
<Moron, moron, moron> he berated himself as he repeatedly slammed his fist against the wall, creating a deepening crack after every punch.
Eventually his Soldiers instinct returned, bringing his wild emotions under a will of iron as Doctor J had taught him through childhood years filled with pain. He slowly walked back to his room and stared at the ceiling, blood running from the knuckles unnoticed and invisible against the black sheets.
*****
In the next room Relena lay in a similar position, laying in bed staring upwards into then seemingly endless gloom, she had lay there all night, quiet and still, but sleep eluded her with the cunning of a fox hiding from the hunter. And so she lay, with only the noises of the night and her own thoughts as company.
>Heero said he loves me!<
That thought had revolved in her mind many times, like a wheel it continued to rise, fade and then return.
>Heero said he loves me,< repeated the voice in her mind. The voice of a fifteen year old girl, who had become impossible entangled in war and fallen for a stolid soldier, her own knight in armour.
<But did he mean it,> answered the voice of a grown woman, a logical and determined politician who had strived long and hard to accept that her knight would be no more than her friend and had found love in the arms of another man, who loved her.
>Of course he meant it, Heero never says anything he doesn't mean,< said the girl.
<He was drunk, very drunk.>
>So?<
<So, he probably had no idea what he was saying.>
>Just because his words were slurred does not make them false.<
<He doesn't love me,> rebutted the woman.
>He said he did<, answered the girl with glee.
<But why now, after all this time?>
>Why not?<
<Besides I love Jonathan>, argued the woman.
>That is true,< the girl conceded. >But part of your heart will always belong to Heero. The true question is how big is that part?<
And so Relena continued to stare into the darkness of her room. The debate continued and never yielded an answer to the questions raised. Did Heero love her and di she love Heero. As she lay she could hear the crashes and bangs from Heero's room, each one making her flinch violently. Then an eerie silence was followed by rustling around and the sound of his door slamming shut. The noise of a car pulling away loudly, was all before silence returned and she was once again alone with her thoughts.
*****
The engine of the black sports car purred loudly, a sound that filled Heero with an bizarre sense of comfort. As a soldier adrenaline had been a constant for most of his life, and even the minuscule rush of speeding down a deserted highway made him feel better. Usually. Now the pain in his mind and the tornado of self-pitying thoughts robbed him of even that comfort.
<You stupid, stupid, absolute fucking moron!> His mind told him. <How could you be so stupid as to get pissed and say those words to Relena. How could you be so damned selfish.>
Heero had taken along time to realise how important Relena was to him. He had for a long time known that he felt something. Something more than friendship. He had thought it was because he respected her strength. He assumed it because she was so important to the peace he had fought hard to create. He felt that he cared because he had promised to protect her and wanted to keep her safe.
But he was wrong.
True he felt all of those things about her, but they were all part of something bigger. It had been years until he could coalesce these emotions into a word to describe them all.
<Love>.
He could admit the word to him self now the damage had been done. Even after his emotional revelation, he could never verbalise his words, he dreamt of what he would say and how she would reply a thousand times. But he never could make dreams come true, he didn't deserve her, his hands were stained with too much blood. Then she met Jonathan, they went out a few times and at first she didn't seem enthused by his company, then one weekend he returned from visiting a weekend on the booze with Duo to see her skipping with joy and practically singing about how great he was. After that they had been happy ever since, he was kind, affectionate and loving. He made her happy, and it tore Heero apart inside.
That was over now. He had wrecked everything. He had been selfish and in a drunken moment of weakness ruined their lives. Relena was happier with Jonathan, happier than he had ever seen her. If he truly loved her that would be what he wanted more than anything, for her to be happy no matter his own sorrow. That was what he wanted. But now that hope was dashed. Even if Relena did not love him, that did not mean she would not think of him and what he had said. How could she truly be happy with Jonathan if thoughts of him constantly crept into her mind. In one sentence he had jeopardised three peoples chance of happiness, and he own friendship with Relena.
A bond that was as dear to him as the blood in his veins.
<Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.>
Growling low at himself, he switched on the radio to escape his own mental accusations. The LCD lit up in a florescent green displaying the station name MAGIC 1171. It was Relena's favourite station, unfortunately for him at this current moment the airtime at night was dedicated to requests most of which were romantic.
[You're listening to Magic 1171 fm.] announced the Dj's smooth voice.
[And now a request from Adam to his girl Steph. He says he's sorry about what he said and hopes you can forgive him.]
The car was filled with the melodic tones of a saxophone played gently in a slow romantic tune. Then came the soft singing of a woman, her words in Heero's native tongue of Japanese.
Suki na hito ga ita nante
maru de shiranakatta
anata ga omoi wo tsugete
koi wo nakushita no mo.
futari wa dare yori mo mijika ni iru
tomodachi shika to omotta kedo
mae yuku anata ga kyuu ni mienaku naru
tabun koi na no
itsu kara ka wakaranai
anata ga suki
dakedo kowakute
kidzukarenai you
ni shite-ita no
zutto kono mama
kimochi wo kakusu koto wa
dekinai kedo
nido to tomodachi
modorenaku nari-sou de ienai
Aishite'ru
anata wa nanimo iwazu ni
tooku mitsumete-iru
tabun anata mo watashi to
onaji kataomoi ne.
ima wa namida yori mo
egao wa sukoshi tsurai kedo
gaman suru wa
gikochinai shigusa no wake mo itsuka wakaru
donna toki demo
tabun itsudemo watashi
koko ni iru yo
dakara kidzuite
watashi no mune no oku no honki wo
anata no suki na
hito wo shiranakatta no wa
kanashii kedo
itsuka yuuki wo
dashite anata no mae de iu kara
aishite'ru
sotto shimatte'ta
takaramono mitai na kono kimochi
azuketai
anata ni
tabun koi na no
itsu kara ka wakaranai
anata ga suki
dakedo kowakute
kidzukarenai you ni shite-ita no
zutto kono mama
kimochi wo kakusu koto wa
dekinai kedo
nido to tomodachi
modorenaku nari-sou de ienai
donna toki demo
tabun itsudemo watashi
koko ni iru yo
dakara kidzuite
watashi no mune no oku no honki wo
anata no suki na
hito wo shiranakatta no wa
kanashii kedo
itsuka yuuki wo
dashite anata no mae de iu kara
Aishite'ru.
Once again Heero, was taken aback by how the song seemed to reflect his inner feelings. He kept his emotions bottled up, never letting them show, yet here someone was singing them out to the world. Logically he blamed the statistics, with all the love songs written over the centuries it was mathematically impossible for there not to be one that was similar to his emotions.
However coincidence or not, it did not reduce how profoundly the lyrics described his situation. The girl sang that "Nothing will be the same if I say I love you," a fact that Heero now knew well. He had said those words and now everything changes. How could they still be friends after what he had said, how could he be her bodyguard knowing that she knows.
Growling Heero knew that the problems was not going to solve itself, yanking at the steering wheel he spun the car through one-hundred and eight degrees and sped back the way had came, turning sharply at the next exit.
TWENTY-SEVEN MINUTES LATER.
Heero glared at the door venomously.
He hated this.
Doctor J had taught him to rely on nothing but his own cunning. He had trained relentlessly to survive on his wits, to be adaptable to any situation and make any modification necessary to complete the mission. He needed no one. But Relena was something Doctor J had forgotten to prepare him for. So here he was, asking for help and advice, about so personal a dilemma.
Taking a deep breath and steeling himself, he began to pound on the door loudly. <If I can't sleep nobody will,> he thought cruelly. Through his pounding he could heard a muffled voice shout,
" Relax. I'm comin' I'm comin'."
The door was violently pulled open, revealing a tall young man, whose long chestnut hair hung down in unruly whisps, covering his groggy face. He lifted a hand to lazily scratch underneath a basketball tee-shirt, which Heero noticed was on backwards. <He dressed in a rush, I must have interrupted something,> Heero noted his lips threatening to curl into a smile. The youth rubbed at his face before blinking his violet eyes rapidly.
" Heero?" he asked.
" Good Morning Duo," he said and barged his way into the apartment.
" Why don't you come in," Duo said sarcastically and closed the door.
He led Heero into the living room, shifting a stack of pizza boxes and Chinese takeout trays so that his friend could sit in one of the padded leather arm chairs. Heero sat and leaning forward back with his arms folded across his chest, staring darkly at the huge wide-screen television that Duo had carelessly left on all day. Grabbing the remote he switched the device off and sat opposite Heero, raking his hair back over his head.
" So what this all about Heero?" he asked bluntly.
The other pilot glared back as blankly as always, but Duo knew that something was wrong with the man.
Just then Hilde's voice came from the bedroom, followed by Hilde herself naked as the day she was born. " Duo don't tell me you're giving up already. I could go all nigh..."
Her seductive tone trailed off as she noticed Heero sat there looking at her levelly. She flushed a bright red that was evident through her dark bangs and over the rest of her body. Covering herself with her arms clumsily, she spoke nervously.
" H...Heero w...what are you doing here."
" Not having as much fun as you obviously," he replied dryly.
She blushed more if possible, " We...well it's nice to see you again." she said before shooting a dark glare at Duo, spinning on her heel and marching back into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
" Thanks man, you've just gotten me killed."
" Sorry," Heero muttered, causing Duo's eyes to widen.
" So Heero what is it buddy?" Duo asked gently.
" That's what I would like to know," Hilde said as she returned from the bedroom.
<She must have flown into her clothes> Heero thought.
Heero stared, at the two. Both of them looked at him with concern. Both wanted to help him. But why did that make him want to turn and bolt out of the door. He lowered his head and stared at the floor, not wanting to face his friends. He had to do this, this problem was beyond his control, it had been ever since he realised he was in love. After a while he said.
" It's Relena."
Reacting in way Heero never expected, Duo spun to his girlfriend and said, " Hilde, you know what to do."
" Way ahead of you," Hilde replied shortly already in motion, grabbing her car keys and walking off with a grim look of determination. When she closed the door behind her, Duo turned back to Heero who had the barest hint of confusion on his otherwise impassive face.
" What," Heero asked in a soft, dangerous tone. " Was that? "
" A contingency plan." Duo said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. " You see when you first became Relena's bodyguard we all figured that it was only a matter of time before everything exploded in a melodramatic burst of teenage angst. What with the whole " history of love and obsession" and all. So Hilde and me came up with a little idea. When the situation blew up, I would come and talk it out with you and tell you what an idiot you were, and Hilde would see to Relena. Frankly I'm surprised you lasted this long." Duo finished in a rather 'matter-of-fact' tone.
Heero brows lowered and his gaze darkened. " You know Maxwell if I did not need your help I would be tempted to kill you now."
" Yeah, well you do need my help, so you can't."
Heero grunted, he hated it when Duo was right. Luckily it did not happen very often.
" So what happened with Relena? When I left yesterday things seemed far from wrong." Duo said with a wide grin.
" What are you babbling about?" Heero snapped.
" The dirty, sexy, ' I gotta have you now' dancing with Relena."
Heero stared into space dumbly as he considered Duo's words, then his Prussian eyes opened wide and his jaw dropped. With a forlorn groan he buried his head in his hands.
" Bloody hell, you must have been packing the drinks away to forget that."
Duo laughed.
" You could say that."
" So how did you screw up such a hot scene?"
" I told her." Heero said softly, barely more than a whisper.
" Told her what?" Duo asked, not yet comprehending.
Heero lifted his head, and the depth of despair and shame that lay in the other man's Prussian eyes gave him his answer.
" So you finally came out with the three little words, huh?"
Heero nodded mutely.
" Well our great love story is finally over, and it about damn time." Duo cried. " Maybe the rest of us could pack up and go home, finally able to escape her and yours little soap opera."
" Aren't you forgetting something Duo?"
" What could I possibly be forgetting, you tell Relena you love her, she tells you the same, you get naked and have a blast, then comes marriage. Oh what a bachelor party I'd throw for you. You do plan on making me your best man. I mean who else is crazy enough for the job. Hmmm... I wonder if she'll want a church wedding or more low key." Duo continued ranting spouting out more crazed wonderings on his fictional future of Heero and Relena. He was practically bouncing in his chair all traces of his earlier lethargy gone in a bundle of hyperactivity.
" Duo."
" I wonder if I could get a stripper for the party. One dressed in a soldier's uniform, now that's kinky..."
" Duo!"
" Can you name your first kid Duo if you have a boy, and can I be his godfather. Y'know so he doesn't end up all morbid and suicidal like his dad..."
" DUO!"
At the sound of Heero's raised voice Duo stopped in mid babble. " What. God your crabby for someone who just got with the girl of his dreams. If you dream. Do you dream Heero?"
Yes he dreamt. But his dreams were actually a sub-conscious horror where all his demons arose to torment him and plague him with guilt for his many sins. Relena was too good for the torture of his dreams.
" Jonathan, remember?" he said, and with that Duo's happy expression collapsed into sympathy and pity for his friend.
Heero took in a long, shuddering breath and said.
" She loves him."
Never had his monotone voice been so devoid of hope. The blue flames died from his eyes as he hung his head, letting his dark locks shadow his face.
" I know," Duo sighed. He wished he could deny it, tell his friend that Relena Peacecraft would always love him. Give the despairing soldier some hope. But he could not. Even when Heero most needed it, Duo could not lie to him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The water drops made damp patterns in the lush carpet as they dripped from her golden hair. She watched each wet mark fade as she sat limply on her bed, head bowed letting the damp locks fall around her face. Shivering slightly from the cold air of the room, she pulled her satin robe tightly around herself. She had long since abandoned any hope of sleep, and had taken a long bath in the hope of relaxing herself. It failed. The water and suds could not wash away the thought of the boy with the unruly hair and cold eyes.
" Heero," she said aloud and not for the first time that night.
Her mind fogged over, and her thoughts were drawn back through time into her memories. She recalled the night Heero had returned to her, over a year ago now.
***
Relena's eyes twitched and opened a crack, the barest hint of her azure irises shimmering beneath her lashes. With a muffled groan she pulled herself up into a sitting position, her hair spilling in unruly waves about her shoulders. Her hand rubbed at her parched throat and her tongue snaked out to lick at dry, cracked lips. She had slept with her mouth open again, the dry air of her room robbing her mouth of moisture.
She swung her bare legs over the edge of the bed before standing. Noticing that she was dressed in just bra and panties she grabbed her satin dressing gown and wrapped it around herself. She walked through the silvery beam of moonlight that pierced through a gap in the curtains, the pale light illuminating her figure as she passed.
She walked languidly out of her room, and down the hall. The loud rumbling snores she heard as she passed Pagan's room assured her that the gentle butler was fast asleep, so she began creeping along the halls upon the tips of her toes, placing each foot carefully so as not to make a sound on the varnished, pine floors and wake Pagan up.
She ventured into the kitchen, the cold floor tiles sending pinpricks of ice into her bare feet. She swiftly poured herself a tall glass of milk and made her way back to her room. Once there she paused as she noticed a shadow flit through the moonlight upon the balcony outside her window. She continued to stare into the night, slowly moving closer to the glass. She could no longer see no shadow, but what she could see filled her with cold dread.
A tinge of red light shone through the window, mingled with the radiant silver of the moon. Her pulse began to race and her breath quickened as she saw the small dot of red, slide slowly, ever so slowly, up her thigh. The red beam rippled as it passed over the silk fold of her robe. Relena was held her breath, to frightened to breath. A thin bead of sweat sliding down her temple as the dot slowly rose over her chest coming to rest where her heart lay beneath her flesh.
<Oh god!> She prayed silently. <Don?t let it end like this.> She clenched her eyes shut tightly.
A near silent burst pierced the air. She heard the glass shatter as the bullet smashed through it. She yelped in pain as she felt it pierce her skin and felt the blood begin to spill from the wound. Her knees failed her and she fell to the floor. As she fell the image of icy, blue eyes flickered through her mind's eye. And then the floor rushed to meet her and she hit the ground hard with a slight bounce.
That was not the end. She knew that she was still very alive by the sharp pain, which lanced continuously through her left shoulder. She brought her fingers to the wound and they came away wet, the red blood appearing black in the gloom. She could here loud thudding noises from the balcony, reminding her of the assassin and the threat to her life, and the world's peace. Clasping her hand over her shoulder in an attempt to stem the bleeding, she rolled over on to her back.
From her prone position all she looked up. The red dot danced erratically across the ceiling. Looping and zipping in all directions in a path of total chaos, leaving a blinking trail of red in its wake. Then suddenly it stopped dead, she watched it hover in still, too still. Still not believing that she was yet safe, she rolled on to her right side, hand still clamped over her left shoulder, and pulled her self into a sitting motion. The movement of every muscle in her torso sent waves of pain rippling down her arm. She gritted her teeth together and bore the pain as that was all she could do.
The glass of the window exploded inwards, the sound making Relena's heart leap into her throat and pulse faster and faster. Two shapes burst into the room and fell heavily onto the floor, where they began wrestling violently with each other, both fighting over the gun, clasped in the larger shapes fist. The smaller of the two shadows (that she had identified as two men), dug his nails into the other hand as he tried to tear the gun from his grasp. A growl of pain came from the large figure and the smaller on took advantage of the moment to slam the gun-totting fist repeatedly into the carpet. There was a loud snap, followed by the faint sound of falling metal as the silencer broke from the weapon. With a cry of fury and a burst of renewed strength the larger man, grabbed hold of his smaller opponent ruthlessly and flipped him onto his back, banging him into the floor hard. The small attacker made no audible sign of his pain as he maintained his tenacious grasp of the gun in the other's hand. The hulking shadow tried to gain the advantage, by straddling his opponent, using his weight to keep him pinned as he yanked furiously on his gun, trying to break his enemies grip. He knew he was close to victory when one of the smaller figures hands slipped from the gun, but his victory never came as the small man balled his newly freed fingers into a fist, which he sent crashed into the larger man's face. A wet crack filled the room as a nose was broken, then the bigger figure yelped loudly as the enemies knee flew upwards into his groin. Pressing his attack home the smaller fighter grasped hold of his enemies hair with his free hand and pulled back sharply as he pushed the tip of the gun to his opponents throat. Without any hesitation he squeezed the trigger.
The shot resounded through the room like a thunderbolt. It echoed off the papered walls as well as the mental barriers of Relena mind. The top of the large man's skull burst like a rotten melon, showering blood, brains and fragment of skull like exploded shrapnel. Relena turned away in disgust at the sight, squeezing her eyes shut as bile burned up into her throat.
The smaller figure grunted as he shoved the bleeding corpse from on top of him, she heard him move and fear gripped her. Was this shadow going to finish the job and kill her. Forcing herself to be strong and to face death with her head held high she turned to view this new threat. What she saw stole her breath more efficiently than any bullet could ever have.
" Heero?" She whispered.
There he was, kneeling in the silvery light of the moon. His hair hanging over his brown in dark, tousled bangs. He had hardly changed in the year since she had last seen him. He was taller and older, lean muscles bunching beneath the moss green fabric of his tank top. He was also covered in blood, it stained his jeans and was smeared over his gaunt face.
<It suits him> she said to herself.
The blood that stained him seemed part of him, as did the gun in his hand, forming the image of the perfect soldier. It was his role, where she preached her ideals of pacifism he killed to make them reality. To create a better word it was sometimes necessary to commit most grievous offences, and Heero seemed to take them all on his young shoulders. To sacrifice his own personal humanity for the sake of a unified humanity. As she watched she could still she a trail of blood slide in beads down his face, over his eyes.
His eyes still called to her. They were ice blue, like frozen steel, death shimmered in them as light glinted of the faces of a crystal. The dark blood that framed them made his eyes shine all the more. The coldness of them sent shivers down her spine, but she was as drawn to them as ever. She could not ever explain it but his eyes fascinated her, perhaps it was because tnhey were the eyes of a man who already knew he was dead, and could not bring himself to care. Perhaps it was the image of a scared boy, who had something very precious stolen from him that she sometimes saw in their irises. Perhaps it was the hope that one day she would she the flames of passion alight in their depth for her Perhaps it was all these things.
" Relena." he said, his voice flat and mechanical. They continued to stare at each other curiously, trying to read each other?s faces. The silence in the air was smothering her; it hung over them like a dense fog.
The door flew open and slammed against the wall, and the fog was gone. Four men in dark Preventer uniforms and carrying large, ominous rifles ran in, instantly surrounding Heero. The young man regarded the ring of firearms impassively, as if they just didn't matter to him. His eyes continued to glint frozen blue.
" Put the gun down, NOW!" One of the Preventers screamed. The weapon thudded to the floor as Heero complied.
" Who are ya, what?re ya doing In the Vice-Minister's room." yelled the troops commander, a grizzed, old soldier with a sharp temper and scar running from brow to chin called Collins.
" Hn," Heero replied.
Collins swung the butt of his rifle down and smacked it into Heero's face, the boys head whipped round with the force of the impact. There was a loud crunch as the metal crashed against his cheek.
" Collins stop!" Relena snapped. With a gentler voice she spoke to Heero. " Are you all right Heero."
Heero said noting as he knelt there, fingers probing and the cheek that had already began to swell into an angry purple bruise, testing the extent of the damage. He glared at Collins dangerously. The man was only slightly fazed by the youth's intense stare. He attempted to cover it by turning to Relena.
" Ma'am, you know this man?" he asked, his dubious tone apparent in his strong Texan accent.
" Yes, he's my friend. I demand that you release him now."
" Ah'm sorry ma'am but he'll hafta come down to HQ for questionin'."
" But he saved my life," Relena protested.
" Sorry ma'am, but orders are orders. For all we know he coulda took the other guy out for a chance ta pop ya himself." Collins said.
" That's ridiculous."
The captain ignored her as he gestured to his men. Two Preventer?s roughly pulled Heero to his feet before wrenching his arms behind his back and securing them in handcuffs. Heero did not resist, he simply stood there, betraying no sign of pain at his violent treatment and keeping his eyes fixed balefully on Collins. With a shove he was started walking, still surrounded by gunpoints as he was led from the room.
Relena made to follow, only to have Collins block her path. He looked down at her, and Relena stared back up at him with steely determination.
" You should stay here ma'am where it?s safe," he said.
Relena snorted, and tossed her head. " I'm coming with you so that I can see Lady Une and ask her why it is necessary to arrest my friend."
" But ma'am if he got loose he could well finish wha' he started."
" He did not start anything. And I am coming with you and that is that." She said, her tone and the fire in her eyes daring Collin's to challenge her. But the soldier knew he was beaten.
" Well awlright, but ah insist y'ride wi' me."
Relena grumpily nodded her assent and stormed from the room, Collin's hurrying to follow.
2 hours later. Preventer HQ, Sanc Kingdom.
" WHY ISN'T HE LOCKED UP. THE MAN IS A TREAT TO EVERYONE AROUND HIM, ESPECIALLY RELENA." The man who was once known as Zechs Marquise yelled, the spittle that flew from his angry mouth visible even on the vid-screen.
" Don't you're over-reacting just a teeny weensy bit, Milli?" replied Duo.
" Be serious for once in your life Maxwell," Milliardo spat back.
" Lady Une, may I ask what kind of half-assed operation you are running, to let a cold-blooded killer like Heero Yuy allowed upon the same continent as my sister."
" Heero is not a killer." Relena snapped back.
" HE TREATENED TO KILL YOU FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!" Millardo's anger had lit his face up a purple-red, which clashed horribly with his platinum hair.
" Then he saved me." Relena retorted, fighting to retain her composure.
" This time."
" What does that mean," she said in a low, hard voice.
" Relena," her brother soothed. " Heero Yuy was trained for nothing but to kill. He is a living weapon. A loose cannon, and he is dangerous. Very dangerous."
" Hey, watch what you're saying there Zechs. Heero may be a bit intense but he's human." Duo argued in defence of his friend.
" Is he?" Another stern voice arose from the dark-haired man who was leant against the wall, watching the whole scene through his almond-shaped eyes.
" Wu Fei." Duo growled standing sharply from his seat. " That's your friend you?re speaking of."
" All I'm saying Maxwell, is that Yuy is what Zechs describes him to be. A killer. The man had lived and breathed death since he was born. Murder hangs over him like a storm cloud. He is the Perfect weapon. It is strategically unwise, and plain foolish to think a man like that can be controlled."
Duo's eyes glinted with a sudden violet light as he clenched his hands into white-knuckled fists. Millardo smirked, smug that his opinion was shared and was being listened to.
" However," the Chinese pilot continued. " I don't think that he poses any form of threat to Ms Peacecraft. He believes her to be instrumental in keeping the peace he helped create, for some bizarre reason." Wu Fei's tone was highly dubious.
" IF HE'S NO THREAT THEN WHY WAS HE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. STALKING HER."
" We do not know that yet Milliardo," Lady une said evenly. " He refuses to answer any questions, and all attempts to interrogate him have failed."
The room was filled with silence as all parties collapsed into their own thoughts. Each one trying to deduce why Heero had been outside Relena's mansion, and contemplating what to do with him now. Finally a voice rose up to shatter the quiet.
" Let me talk to him," Relena said firmly, standing up to face Lady Une with a determined glare.
" What?" Duo asked.
" Let me see him. He'll talk to me," she suggested again, her tone wavering slightly like a child who was trying to convince her parents of something. Her brother however was livid in his refusal.
" ABOSOLUTELY OUT OF THE QUESTION!" He raged.
Relena turned her body so as to present her back to the furious image of her brother. She faced Lady Une staunchly, head held high as she pulled herself to her full height as if trying to make herself seem bigger.
" Let me talk to him. Alone. You can post a guard outside if you wish, but you know he would not hurt me. I need to see him."
" NO RELENA. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT YOU ARE GOING ANY WHERE NEAR THAT MAN! AND THAT'S FINAL. HE IS A COLD...."
Lady Une rose from her desk and crossed the room. Millardo still screaming upon the screen, not noticing her approach. She reached over and tapped a button on a nearby console. The digital image of an angry prince vanished from the screen in mid-rant. Smiling to herself she turned round and her grin vanished.
" Okay Relena, I'll show you where he is."
*****
Leaning up on the tips of her toes Relena peeped through the tiny window built into the ominous face of the heavy steel door. She squinted until the fuzzy, smudged images became clearer until she could see him.
He sat silently behind a plain, wooden desk. His arms were crossed idly upon the smooth, dark surface. His head hung low despondently as he stared at the desk, his face obscured behind his thick, dark hair. Her heart went out to him. The tenseness the Perfect Soldier usually displayed was gone from his posture. There was no sense of poise or readiness about him like there was during the war. He was not ready to fight or kill, he was not on guard. He just did not care, and could not bring himself to attempt it. He seemed hopeless, empty. Like a man who was dead, yet had yet to fall down.
Dried blood was still crusted in his tank top, and upon the skin of his arms and neck. She knew it still stained his face, even though she could not see. He looked so tired. She could see world-weary exhaustion all about him. As if he were tired of living.
She turned to Lady Une and requested a picture of water and two glasses, the Preventer Commander sent a soldier running off on the errand. Satisfied, Relena twisted the handle, the door unlocked with a loud clang and then she entered the small room.
His head shot up when she entered, suddenly tense. His eyes glinted hauntingly, as he saw it was her. Convinced she was no threat he sat back in his chair, but he did not relax. He just sat there, watching her with a silent grimace and cold eyes, like a waiting lion. The silence in the room seemed to shake the walls and quake beneath the floor. Finally she broke the quiet.
" I've come to talk to you Heero."
" Why?" he responded tonelessly.
" It's been a whole year."
" It has."
" How have you been?" She asked followed by a mental slap <What a stupid question!>
" I'm alive," he answered, as if that was all that needed to be said.
<Tough room,> Relena thought as she sat across from him. " Where have you been all this time?"
" Hear and there," he replied. " Not far."
She fought valiantly against the urge to sigh or roll her eyes, or take a hold of his top with two fists and shake him until he started to talk. The mental picture of her using " bad cop" tactics of interrogation on the stolid youth threatened to bring a smirk to her lips but she suppressed it. It was time to cut the crap and get to the point.
" What were you doing on my balcony Heero?" She asked sternly.
" My mission," he stated simply. Relena blinked in mild confusion.
" What mission."
" My only mission, now" he said with a hint of bitterness creeping into his voice.
Fixing him with a level stare, catching his eyes with her own and trying to read what lay in their frozen depths, she continued her questioning determinately.
" What is your mission?"
He stared back at her, and for a moment something unknown flashed in his eyes, something warm. Something hot and searing that for the second it was there, peered in to Relena's soul and threatened to melt her. She was almost drowning in that Prussian, blue fire.
" You are."
Those words at once confused and thrilled her. She shuddered, suddenly feeling vulnerable, naked to his icy gaze, which attempted to see into her soul. The words he said indicated care, concern affection. Things she had longed to feel from him. Yet he had said them in that same dull, emotionless tone. As if she was just a mission, a task, an object. She needed to know more.
" Who gave you this mission Heero?"
" I did," he replied.
She fought the urge not to let her jaw drop, or her brows furrow, or to display any other indication of the confusion and surprise that response had barraged her with. She had braced herself for all possible answers, Doctor J, her brother, the ESUN, even Duo. But it was his own action, not an order, perhaps he was finally acting upon his emotions, perhaps he really did care. Her heart began to soar upon warm currents of hope as she asked the next question.
" Why?"
He looked her strangely for a moment, as if trying to read her. He seemed curious, as his head tilted slightly as he regarded her.
" Don't you remember?"
She could not help show her bewilderment this time as his question sunk in. She pondered his words, <Remember what?>
" Remember what?" She asked, this time aloud.
" On Libra," he said as if probing her reaction. " I promised you that I would protect you?"
How could she forget? The words of that vow were like her favourite movie. She replayed them in her head whenever she was sad, lonely or hurt. They echoed in her dreams as she remembered how close they had been then, and cursed the barriers of the spacesuits that had separated them.
" I remember. So is that why you are here. To keep your promise."
" Yes. You are my mission now."
Her heart plummeted again like a bird, shot from the sky. So this was just about a promise. She was just another mission, but one that was self-inflicted by virtue of his soldiers honour. She willed herself to be strong, not to shed a tear in feeling for the man who had no feelings of his own.
" How long have you been on this mission." She spat the last word as if tasted sour.
" Seven months, twenty-eight days and fourteen hours." He said robotically.
She gaped at him. Nearly eight months. Eight months he had been there, in the shadows. He had followed her everywhere, watched her sleep. <He might even have watched me shower> she thought with a slight blush. Her shock soon gave way to anger. Her nails scratched the tables as her hands balled into fists. She thought of all the times, she had cried wondering where he was. If he was alive. If he had been killed on a mission, if he had destroyed himself, if he had found someone else. All those thoughts of him, and he had been there all along. Hiding in the dark corners of her life like a poisonous snake. She glared at him furiously, and her stared back impassively.
" How could you," she hissed. " All this time and not a word. All those people who were worried about you, and who missed you. And you were right there spying on me." She had risen swiftly from her seat, and now leaned across the desk, peering into his eyes through her own narrowed blue orbs. He sat there and looked back, unaffected or uncaring of her fury.
" It was necessary for the mission." He replied coldly.
With a growl and a sudden burst of energy she slapped her hands on the surface of the desk, a loud clap resounding through the small room. Heero's eyes widened slightly, unaccustomed to such a violent reaction from the pacifist princess. Happy that she managed to wrestle even a tiny reaction from the stone-faced soldier, she continued to force-feed him a piece of her mind, bit by bit.
" Damn it Heero, this I'm not an Oz base or some mobile suit. I'm a person. I have feelings, emotions, hopes and dreams. I am not just a mission or an object to be dealt with. You have no right to treat me as such. The war is over Heero, you can't go on toying with the emotions of those who care for you. We're all human, even if you like to deny it." She watched him, staring at his face and in his eyes for any sign that her word were having any impact. There was none. Now too infuriated to stand still, she began pacing the room. Throwing another spiteful comment at him.
" Just because you have no feelings does not give you the right to trample all over other peoples," she spat.
Heero blinked and dropped his gaze. Relena did not notice as she continued pacing, wondering how she could have missed him all this time. Even now she could feel him. His presence made her skin tingle and her pulse sing through her veins. She had always been able to sense him somehow. In the war when he came to kill her, she had known he was there before he had even pulled out the gun. But for eight months she had felt nothing. <Wait a minute Eight months!?> Her eyes widened as she spotted the missing piece of the puzzle. <He's been gone for fourteen.>
" Heero," she asked suddenly calm. The dark-haired youth looked up at her. " If you've been protecting me for eight months. Where were you for the other six?"
Something passed over his eyes. A void of despair and emptiness absorbed in his irises. Once again he looked dead, a breathing corpse. But as swiftly as it had appeared the void vanished, once again hidden behind walls of Prussian-blue ice.
" After I left the hospital, after the Marimeia incident, I wandered the earth and through space. I watched the people rebuilding their towns and cities after the battles. They all seemed so determined to get on with their lives, so happy that they finally experienced peace. Thanking God and thanking you for that peace. As I travelled I saw many people in many places, but it was the same everywhere. Joy and hope had spread through the people of the earth and the colonies like sunlight through a darkened room. But it all seemed so alien to me. As if happiness was hung in front of me, but every time I reached for it I grasped only air."
Heero paused, he looked up at Relena. She looked back at him, rapt in his words, concern and sorrow dwelling in her azure eyes. Shrouding himself in the mask of the perfect soldier he continued.
" I visited the other Gundam pilots at first. But they all had lives of their own.
?Wu Fei had dived headfirst into his job as a Preventer, he and Sally putting out every fire, dealing with every problem that risked the fragile peace you had achieved, and growing closer as they did. Trowa was happy in the circus taking comfort in the pleasure he could bring to the audience with his stunts and clowning. Quatre reconciled with his family and began learning the family business, settling into his new role as CEO of Winner Enterprises. He took regular breaks to visit Dorothy who he helped to gain her feet and find her place in her world of peace, she began to see war as the horror it was and with his financial advice set up her own fashion company. Soon " Catalonia" was a top of the range fashion label. Duo set up his salvage yard, and got " reacquainted " with Hilde who he made his partner. But as was typical for him he found it too boring and let her run the business as he joined the Preventers.
? I even met up with Sylvia Noventa, who had become active in the world of politics, campaigning for a place in the ESUN senate and was founding a war orphanage in her Grandfather's memory. She forgave me again as she had done when I offered her my gun, she even asked me to stay with her."
At hearing this Relena's eyes narrowed. Her heart twanged with something that she refused to acknowledge as jealousy. However it continued to nag at her, along with a stab of self-doubt. She had met the Noventa girl, and she was very pretty. She couldn't blame Heero if he found her attractive. Heero seemed to notice her change of expression and raised his eyebrow questioningly, unsure what it meant.
" I could not stay though. It felt wrong. I felt wrong. It was the same wherever I went. I felt as if I didn't belong. The people around me all seemed fake, two-dimensional as if they were not real. I felt as if I were black and white in a world of colours that I could not conceive. I tried to fit in. I got jobs and threw myself into my work, but it never lasted long. There was something wrong with me. Then I remembered something Wu Fei had said to me as we fought in the skies above earth. He had said that I could only acknowledge my existence through fighting. And then I knew what was wrong with me."
Heero's fist tightened, the knuckles turning white. Heero sat like a statue, stony and impassive but now the coldness of his aura radiated from him. Relena shivered just being near him. She wondered why her breath did not cloud into vapour as the room suddenly grew chill as his icy eyes regarded her.
" I was not built for peace. I cannot survive in it. Like a fish out of water, I cannot live without death clouding over me." Relena shook her head, trying to deny his words but unable to say a word. He either did not see or ignored her as he continued. " The other pilots became soldiers out of circumstance. They have something else, something, which makes them human. They have something to offer the world, and that allows them to leave in a peaceful world with peace in their souls."
The cold intensified. It surrounded him like a cloak of frost. The room seemed to darken as if the coldness from Heero was stealing all the warmth and light. Relena listened to his words and could only manage a weak
" No?"
" I have no soul. I was designed solely for war. I do not have a place in peace. I am not a soldier who uses a weapon. I am the weapon. As deadly as the bullet of a gun, as cold as the steel of the sword. I am useless without a battle to fight, I cannot live without a mission to complete."
Relena snapped from her trance. She could not stand to hear any more. She could not bear to hear this man, who had more strength than all the men she had ever met combined, deny his worth and refute his own humanity.
" No Heero. You cannot think that. You know it?s not true. You have to." She wailed as she sat down in front of him, and leaned across the desk taking his cold hand in hers and sharing her warmth with him. His eyes looked at her with out emotion, and hers returned with enough feeling for both of them as tears glistened in her eyes, making her cerulean irises shimmer like the waves of the sea.
" But," he said softly and she thought she felt his fingers tighten about her own. " Then I saw you. And as I sat in that dingy bar and watched you on the TV with no sound, I saw the sun shine throughout your hair as if they were one, it seemed as if your locks were made from the rays of the sun itself. Then I remembered my promise, and realised I had a mission.?
He looked up, and his eyes sought her own, ?You. I made it my sole task in life to protect you, and by doing do I can give something to the world by keeping the peace and the one who brought it to the world."
" That is when you began following me. You were defending me from the shadows.
" Yes." He said returning to the one sentence answers. " It was my mission."
Silence then stretched out between them. They sat each watching the other,
Relena tried to read Heero. Searching for any sign of life in those blue depths. Heero glared back with a face of granite. She could not hold his gaze for long, and soon dropped her eyes to escape the frosty intensity of that stare. She stared at the desk, watching her fingers nervously fidget and fiddle with each other as she pondered what had been said. Finally she spoke without thought.
" Then protect me as it should be done."
" Hn?" He grunted in question, his eyebrow quirking up again.
" Protect me, she repeated. " As my bodyguard."
He said nothing, just stared at her.
" If guarding me is your mission, then guard me. Work for me, be my bodyguard and perform your mission."
Still he said nothing. It was irritating her immensely.
" Well, what do you say?" She pressed impatiently.
" Mission accepted," was the cold reply.
***
Relena slowly buttoned up her thin cotton blouse as the memories lifted from her vision like fog before the light of the sun. That was how Heero Yuy had re-entered her life. He was as good as his word and guarded her with unwavering devotion. Yet as time passed the loneliness of her position and his life grew on them and they reached to each other for solace. He became her bulwark against the pressure of her job, against the stresses and pain of life, and she tried to break the icy walls of the Perfect Soldier, she went in search of the man inside.
But no matter many times she had cried on his shoulder, how many jokes she had told in an effort to get him to crack as smile, how she asked him about his troubles and tried to take awaya the pain and tradgedy that haunted his dreams, his eyes never changed. He smirked, even joked in a fashion, although it was usually sharp-humoured and vitrous sarcasm, it never touched his eyes.
Like frozen steel they remained. The intensity of his glare was enough to freeze a room, to darken the sky. She had stared into their depths thousands upon thousands of times, trying to find some hint of emotion. So many times that they appeared in her mind eye like he was right in front of her. Every shade of blue, every play of the light on their surface was stored in her minds eye. Yes his eyes haunted her even to this day. The way the blue waves swirled in his irises like a wild ocean, like a storm, flashing occasionally as if lightning had struck in his pupils.
Then another pair of eyes floated through her mind. These were not blue but green. Glistening emeralds that shone with a warmth that Heero's eye had never possessed. The light in those eyes was like a green sun. It made her skin tingle as if she and brought her such peace and comfort, like the warm glow of a hearth in winter. But it was the knowledge of what that light meant that exhilarated her. Love. Love for her. Something she had never seen in Heero's eyes.
Except that last night as he ran his fingers through her hair and over her face. As he whispered the words her heart had longed to hear since she was fifteen, there had been something. Something in his eyes that she had not seen since the day she saw him in that interrogation room. Fire. Blue fire that threatened to consume her soul, as if she had fallen into
a river of lava, molten flames that threatened to drown her and smother her with their heat.
But what did it mean, how had that fire melted through the layers of ice. Did Heero mean what he said? Did he truly love her? Or was he just drunk, and the fire was just the light of liquor in his blood? She did not know. And this riddle was killing her.
She froze in her thoughts. The door was knocked again, this time slightly louder. She sighed as she closed her eyes, she did not want to deal with people yet. She wanted to get back into bed and crawl up, to pull the curtains closed and shut out the world. To say to the world?
" I'm sorry Relena Peacecraft is not in right now, but if you would like to leave a massage after the beep, she'll try to get back to after she picks up the pieces of her confused and scattered heart." But she was the Vice Foreign Minister, there were treaties to review, delegates to pacify and a mountain of paperwork to sign. Fuck, she thought.
" Come in," she called to the person on the other side of the wood-panelled door.
Paygan entered, with polite smile that did not tough the grey eyes set in narrow lids lined with wrinkles. His hair fell in snowy waves upon his starched collar, and his white moustache was trimmed to perfection as it lined his wrinkled jowls.
" Ah Miss Relena, glad to see you are awake. And quite early as well."
" Good Morning Paygan," she greeted with false joy.
The old man seemed to consider her a moment, his eyes sparkling with rejuvenated youth as he seemed to probe her for something. Then he quickly returned to his polite, traditional demeanour.
" Miss Schbieker is here to see you Ma'am." he said.
" Hilde?" she said eyes widening. <Why is she here so early? I would have thought that Duo would have kept her "busy" this time in the morning. >
" Oh, show her in then please," she asked.
The old man bowed slightly and with great formality, and disappeared in to the hallway. Soon he was replaced by Hilde, her wild, dark hair in even greater disarray than usual. She wore a troubled frown, concern and worry shimmered in her sky blue eyes. Seeing her friend so unsettled made Relena's welcoming smile melt away. She quickly ushered the German girl into the bedroom so that she was sat at the foot of the bed, and closed the door.
" Hilde what's wrong?" she asked softly as she joined the other woman on the bed.
" I dunno Relena, you tell me."
The princess stared at Hilde for a while, blinking slowly. Her brow furrowed slightly.
" What?" she asked finally.
" Heero came by earlier today," Hilde said, then her voice tightening she added " Very early."
At mention of Perfect Soldiers name Relena's composure shattered and her shoulders slumped as her breath came out in a long, drawn out sigh. She could no longer hold her friends gaze and her eyes dropped to study the woven pattern of her bed clothes. She began ringing her hands.
" What did he say?" she asked to softly it was almost a whisper.
" Nothing," Hilde replied calmly. Relena head shot up to look at her friend with her azure eyes wide open.
" He said nothing, I left before Duo could finally crack his stony exterior and get him to spill the beans. But I did learn that something happened between the two of you, but I think I would have known that even if he had not admitted it. It?s always something with you two. Nevertheless I'll just have to get the recounting of the actual events from you. And please don?t leave out any details." Hilde said, before crossing her legs and folding her hands in her lap, waiting patiently. Knowing there was no avoiding it, Relena began.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beer: I'm sorry *braces for blunt thrown objects and tomatoes.*
Well maybe Rose won't call me slacker-boy now.
Glares at story. :evil: Oh this is sooo bad. Why did I write this. Coz Rose keeps poking me, thats why. Well it was written ages ago buits its still bad. I hope no-one minds the piss-take texan accent (hides from scary commander).
Here goes. Thanks to Ryan for pre-reading.
Three Little Words
By Beer-Monster
Chapter 2
Denial : Only your Friend.
The first rays of the morning sun fell through the open curtains, and crept slowly across the black sheets as the sun rose gently over the caps of the Sanc Kingdom's mountains. The light illuminated the dark ripples of the fabric until the sun had reached such as height as to shine fully upon the head of unruly brown hair that barely peaked out above the covers. The dawn concentrated all of its light upon that head, until it stirred lethargically and groaned.
" Damned Morning," Heero muttered as he sat up and peered around his dimly lit room with the bloodshot eyes that were indicative of a hard nights drinking. <The day always manages to find you even when you don't want it to,> he thought.
He glanced over at the clock, which was flashing the digits 6: 36. It was far to early to be moving about or even to be awake, especially considering he felt as if his brain had been used for the ball in a championship squash game. Dragging himself out of bed he stomped over to the window and yanked the curtains closed, then he noticed that his throat was parched and his lips felt dry and cracked.
Sighing loudly he made his way to the bathroom, once again cursing the morning and his own overindulgence of alcohol. The sound of tap water splashing into a glass tumbler had never seemed so loud, the noise almost deafening his hangover heightened hearing. Heero took two large gulps from of the cool liquid, swilling the last one around his mouth and relishing the sensation of moisture returning to his mouth. He then stared at the barely recognizable face staring back at him in the mirror.
Then the face morphed and twisted becoming another. This face was beautiful beyond all human speech, possessing long golden waves of hair and sparkling sapphire eyes. He could barely recall those eyes gleaming with wonder as he clumsily ran his fingers along her cheek. Then the confusion and fear in those irises and he whispered the words he swore that he would never utter.
I love you Relena
Those words echoed in his head again and again resounding off of his mental walls. The tumbler fell from numb fingers and shattered against the tiled floor. Water spread across the tiles and carried with it a thin, red streak of blood from where the glass had cut his foot.
" What have I done?" he asked his own reflection, it answered with a blank stare. The accusation of his own Prussian eyes was overwhelmed him. With a viscous snarl he thrust his fist through the mirror, shards of reflective glass exploding away from the impact and slicing his skin.
<You fucking moron!> he mentally screamed at himself. Spinning around he snatched onto the shower curtain and tore it from its rail.
<Moron, moron, moron> he berated himself as he repeatedly slammed his fist against the wall, creating a deepening crack after every punch.
Eventually his Soldiers instinct returned, bringing his wild emotions under a will of iron as Doctor J had taught him through childhood years filled with pain. He slowly walked back to his room and stared at the ceiling, blood running from the knuckles unnoticed and invisible against the black sheets.
*****
In the next room Relena lay in a similar position, laying in bed staring upwards into then seemingly endless gloom, she had lay there all night, quiet and still, but sleep eluded her with the cunning of a fox hiding from the hunter. And so she lay, with only the noises of the night and her own thoughts as company.
>Heero said he loves me!<
That thought had revolved in her mind many times, like a wheel it continued to rise, fade and then return.
>Heero said he loves me,< repeated the voice in her mind. The voice of a fifteen year old girl, who had become impossible entangled in war and fallen for a stolid soldier, her own knight in armour.
<But did he mean it,> answered the voice of a grown woman, a logical and determined politician who had strived long and hard to accept that her knight would be no more than her friend and had found love in the arms of another man, who loved her.
>Of course he meant it, Heero never says anything he doesn't mean,< said the girl.
<He was drunk, very drunk.>
>So?<
<So, he probably had no idea what he was saying.>
>Just because his words were slurred does not make them false.<
<He doesn't love me,> rebutted the woman.
>He said he did<, answered the girl with glee.
<But why now, after all this time?>
>Why not?<
<Besides I love Jonathan>, argued the woman.
>That is true,< the girl conceded. >But part of your heart will always belong to Heero. The true question is how big is that part?<
And so Relena continued to stare into the darkness of her room. The debate continued and never yielded an answer to the questions raised. Did Heero love her and di she love Heero. As she lay she could hear the crashes and bangs from Heero's room, each one making her flinch violently. Then an eerie silence was followed by rustling around and the sound of his door slamming shut. The noise of a car pulling away loudly, was all before silence returned and she was once again alone with her thoughts.
*****
The engine of the black sports car purred loudly, a sound that filled Heero with an bizarre sense of comfort. As a soldier adrenaline had been a constant for most of his life, and even the minuscule rush of speeding down a deserted highway made him feel better. Usually. Now the pain in his mind and the tornado of self-pitying thoughts robbed him of even that comfort.
<You stupid, stupid, absolute fucking moron!> His mind told him. <How could you be so stupid as to get pissed and say those words to Relena. How could you be so damned selfish.>
Heero had taken along time to realise how important Relena was to him. He had for a long time known that he felt something. Something more than friendship. He had thought it was because he respected her strength. He assumed it because she was so important to the peace he had fought hard to create. He felt that he cared because he had promised to protect her and wanted to keep her safe.
But he was wrong.
True he felt all of those things about her, but they were all part of something bigger. It had been years until he could coalesce these emotions into a word to describe them all.
<Love>.
He could admit the word to him self now the damage had been done. Even after his emotional revelation, he could never verbalise his words, he dreamt of what he would say and how she would reply a thousand times. But he never could make dreams come true, he didn't deserve her, his hands were stained with too much blood. Then she met Jonathan, they went out a few times and at first she didn't seem enthused by his company, then one weekend he returned from visiting a weekend on the booze with Duo to see her skipping with joy and practically singing about how great he was. After that they had been happy ever since, he was kind, affectionate and loving. He made her happy, and it tore Heero apart inside.
That was over now. He had wrecked everything. He had been selfish and in a drunken moment of weakness ruined their lives. Relena was happier with Jonathan, happier than he had ever seen her. If he truly loved her that would be what he wanted more than anything, for her to be happy no matter his own sorrow. That was what he wanted. But now that hope was dashed. Even if Relena did not love him, that did not mean she would not think of him and what he had said. How could she truly be happy with Jonathan if thoughts of him constantly crept into her mind. In one sentence he had jeopardised three peoples chance of happiness, and he own friendship with Relena.
A bond that was as dear to him as the blood in his veins.
<Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.>
Growling low at himself, he switched on the radio to escape his own mental accusations. The LCD lit up in a florescent green displaying the station name MAGIC 1171. It was Relena's favourite station, unfortunately for him at this current moment the airtime at night was dedicated to requests most of which were romantic.
[You're listening to Magic 1171 fm.] announced the Dj's smooth voice.
[And now a request from Adam to his girl Steph. He says he's sorry about what he said and hopes you can forgive him.]
The car was filled with the melodic tones of a saxophone played gently in a slow romantic tune. Then came the soft singing of a woman, her words in Heero's native tongue of Japanese.
Suki na hito ga ita nante
maru de shiranakatta
anata ga omoi wo tsugete
koi wo nakushita no mo.
futari wa dare yori mo mijika ni iru
tomodachi shika to omotta kedo
mae yuku anata ga kyuu ni mienaku naru
tabun koi na no
itsu kara ka wakaranai
anata ga suki
dakedo kowakute
kidzukarenai you
ni shite-ita no
zutto kono mama
kimochi wo kakusu koto wa
dekinai kedo
nido to tomodachi
modorenaku nari-sou de ienai
Aishite'ru
anata wa nanimo iwazu ni
tooku mitsumete-iru
tabun anata mo watashi to
onaji kataomoi ne.
ima wa namida yori mo
egao wa sukoshi tsurai kedo
gaman suru wa
gikochinai shigusa no wake mo itsuka wakaru
donna toki demo
tabun itsudemo watashi
koko ni iru yo
dakara kidzuite
watashi no mune no oku no honki wo
anata no suki na
hito wo shiranakatta no wa
kanashii kedo
itsuka yuuki wo
dashite anata no mae de iu kara
aishite'ru
sotto shimatte'ta
takaramono mitai na kono kimochi
azuketai
anata ni
tabun koi na no
itsu kara ka wakaranai
anata ga suki
dakedo kowakute
kidzukarenai you ni shite-ita no
zutto kono mama
kimochi wo kakusu koto wa
dekinai kedo
nido to tomodachi
modorenaku nari-sou de ienai
donna toki demo
tabun itsudemo watashi
koko ni iru yo
dakara kidzuite
watashi no mune no oku no honki wo
anata no suki na
hito wo shiranakatta no wa
kanashii kedo
itsuka yuuki wo
dashite anata no mae de iu kara
Aishite'ru.
Once again Heero, was taken aback by how the song seemed to reflect his inner feelings. He kept his emotions bottled up, never letting them show, yet here someone was singing them out to the world. Logically he blamed the statistics, with all the love songs written over the centuries it was mathematically impossible for there not to be one that was similar to his emotions.
However coincidence or not, it did not reduce how profoundly the lyrics described his situation. The girl sang that "Nothing will be the same if I say I love you," a fact that Heero now knew well. He had said those words and now everything changes. How could they still be friends after what he had said, how could he be her bodyguard knowing that she knows.
Growling Heero knew that the problems was not going to solve itself, yanking at the steering wheel he spun the car through one-hundred and eight degrees and sped back the way had came, turning sharply at the next exit.
TWENTY-SEVEN MINUTES LATER.
Heero glared at the door venomously.
He hated this.
Doctor J had taught him to rely on nothing but his own cunning. He had trained relentlessly to survive on his wits, to be adaptable to any situation and make any modification necessary to complete the mission. He needed no one. But Relena was something Doctor J had forgotten to prepare him for. So here he was, asking for help and advice, about so personal a dilemma.
Taking a deep breath and steeling himself, he began to pound on the door loudly. <If I can't sleep nobody will,> he thought cruelly. Through his pounding he could heard a muffled voice shout,
" Relax. I'm comin' I'm comin'."
The door was violently pulled open, revealing a tall young man, whose long chestnut hair hung down in unruly whisps, covering his groggy face. He lifted a hand to lazily scratch underneath a basketball tee-shirt, which Heero noticed was on backwards. <He dressed in a rush, I must have interrupted something,> Heero noted his lips threatening to curl into a smile. The youth rubbed at his face before blinking his violet eyes rapidly.
" Heero?" he asked.
" Good Morning Duo," he said and barged his way into the apartment.
" Why don't you come in," Duo said sarcastically and closed the door.
He led Heero into the living room, shifting a stack of pizza boxes and Chinese takeout trays so that his friend could sit in one of the padded leather arm chairs. Heero sat and leaning forward back with his arms folded across his chest, staring darkly at the huge wide-screen television that Duo had carelessly left on all day. Grabbing the remote he switched the device off and sat opposite Heero, raking his hair back over his head.
" So what this all about Heero?" he asked bluntly.
The other pilot glared back as blankly as always, but Duo knew that something was wrong with the man.
Just then Hilde's voice came from the bedroom, followed by Hilde herself naked as the day she was born. " Duo don't tell me you're giving up already. I could go all nigh..."
Her seductive tone trailed off as she noticed Heero sat there looking at her levelly. She flushed a bright red that was evident through her dark bangs and over the rest of her body. Covering herself with her arms clumsily, she spoke nervously.
" H...Heero w...what are you doing here."
" Not having as much fun as you obviously," he replied dryly.
She blushed more if possible, " We...well it's nice to see you again." she said before shooting a dark glare at Duo, spinning on her heel and marching back into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
" Thanks man, you've just gotten me killed."
" Sorry," Heero muttered, causing Duo's eyes to widen.
" So Heero what is it buddy?" Duo asked gently.
" That's what I would like to know," Hilde said as she returned from the bedroom.
<She must have flown into her clothes> Heero thought.
Heero stared, at the two. Both of them looked at him with concern. Both wanted to help him. But why did that make him want to turn and bolt out of the door. He lowered his head and stared at the floor, not wanting to face his friends. He had to do this, this problem was beyond his control, it had been ever since he realised he was in love. After a while he said.
" It's Relena."
Reacting in way Heero never expected, Duo spun to his girlfriend and said, " Hilde, you know what to do."
" Way ahead of you," Hilde replied shortly already in motion, grabbing her car keys and walking off with a grim look of determination. When she closed the door behind her, Duo turned back to Heero who had the barest hint of confusion on his otherwise impassive face.
" What," Heero asked in a soft, dangerous tone. " Was that? "
" A contingency plan." Duo said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. " You see when you first became Relena's bodyguard we all figured that it was only a matter of time before everything exploded in a melodramatic burst of teenage angst. What with the whole " history of love and obsession" and all. So Hilde and me came up with a little idea. When the situation blew up, I would come and talk it out with you and tell you what an idiot you were, and Hilde would see to Relena. Frankly I'm surprised you lasted this long." Duo finished in a rather 'matter-of-fact' tone.
Heero brows lowered and his gaze darkened. " You know Maxwell if I did not need your help I would be tempted to kill you now."
" Yeah, well you do need my help, so you can't."
Heero grunted, he hated it when Duo was right. Luckily it did not happen very often.
" So what happened with Relena? When I left yesterday things seemed far from wrong." Duo said with a wide grin.
" What are you babbling about?" Heero snapped.
" The dirty, sexy, ' I gotta have you now' dancing with Relena."
Heero stared into space dumbly as he considered Duo's words, then his Prussian eyes opened wide and his jaw dropped. With a forlorn groan he buried his head in his hands.
" Bloody hell, you must have been packing the drinks away to forget that."
Duo laughed.
" You could say that."
" So how did you screw up such a hot scene?"
" I told her." Heero said softly, barely more than a whisper.
" Told her what?" Duo asked, not yet comprehending.
Heero lifted his head, and the depth of despair and shame that lay in the other man's Prussian eyes gave him his answer.
" So you finally came out with the three little words, huh?"
Heero nodded mutely.
" Well our great love story is finally over, and it about damn time." Duo cried. " Maybe the rest of us could pack up and go home, finally able to escape her and yours little soap opera."
" Aren't you forgetting something Duo?"
" What could I possibly be forgetting, you tell Relena you love her, she tells you the same, you get naked and have a blast, then comes marriage. Oh what a bachelor party I'd throw for you. You do plan on making me your best man. I mean who else is crazy enough for the job. Hmmm... I wonder if she'll want a church wedding or more low key." Duo continued ranting spouting out more crazed wonderings on his fictional future of Heero and Relena. He was practically bouncing in his chair all traces of his earlier lethargy gone in a bundle of hyperactivity.
" Duo."
" I wonder if I could get a stripper for the party. One dressed in a soldier's uniform, now that's kinky..."
" Duo!"
" Can you name your first kid Duo if you have a boy, and can I be his godfather. Y'know so he doesn't end up all morbid and suicidal like his dad..."
" DUO!"
At the sound of Heero's raised voice Duo stopped in mid babble. " What. God your crabby for someone who just got with the girl of his dreams. If you dream. Do you dream Heero?"
Yes he dreamt. But his dreams were actually a sub-conscious horror where all his demons arose to torment him and plague him with guilt for his many sins. Relena was too good for the torture of his dreams.
" Jonathan, remember?" he said, and with that Duo's happy expression collapsed into sympathy and pity for his friend.
Heero took in a long, shuddering breath and said.
" She loves him."
Never had his monotone voice been so devoid of hope. The blue flames died from his eyes as he hung his head, letting his dark locks shadow his face.
" I know," Duo sighed. He wished he could deny it, tell his friend that Relena Peacecraft would always love him. Give the despairing soldier some hope. But he could not. Even when Heero most needed it, Duo could not lie to him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The water drops made damp patterns in the lush carpet as they dripped from her golden hair. She watched each wet mark fade as she sat limply on her bed, head bowed letting the damp locks fall around her face. Shivering slightly from the cold air of the room, she pulled her satin robe tightly around herself. She had long since abandoned any hope of sleep, and had taken a long bath in the hope of relaxing herself. It failed. The water and suds could not wash away the thought of the boy with the unruly hair and cold eyes.
" Heero," she said aloud and not for the first time that night.
Her mind fogged over, and her thoughts were drawn back through time into her memories. She recalled the night Heero had returned to her, over a year ago now.
***
Relena's eyes twitched and opened a crack, the barest hint of her azure irises shimmering beneath her lashes. With a muffled groan she pulled herself up into a sitting position, her hair spilling in unruly waves about her shoulders. Her hand rubbed at her parched throat and her tongue snaked out to lick at dry, cracked lips. She had slept with her mouth open again, the dry air of her room robbing her mouth of moisture.
She swung her bare legs over the edge of the bed before standing. Noticing that she was dressed in just bra and panties she grabbed her satin dressing gown and wrapped it around herself. She walked through the silvery beam of moonlight that pierced through a gap in the curtains, the pale light illuminating her figure as she passed.
She walked languidly out of her room, and down the hall. The loud rumbling snores she heard as she passed Pagan's room assured her that the gentle butler was fast asleep, so she began creeping along the halls upon the tips of her toes, placing each foot carefully so as not to make a sound on the varnished, pine floors and wake Pagan up.
She ventured into the kitchen, the cold floor tiles sending pinpricks of ice into her bare feet. She swiftly poured herself a tall glass of milk and made her way back to her room. Once there she paused as she noticed a shadow flit through the moonlight upon the balcony outside her window. She continued to stare into the night, slowly moving closer to the glass. She could no longer see no shadow, but what she could see filled her with cold dread.
A tinge of red light shone through the window, mingled with the radiant silver of the moon. Her pulse began to race and her breath quickened as she saw the small dot of red, slide slowly, ever so slowly, up her thigh. The red beam rippled as it passed over the silk fold of her robe. Relena was held her breath, to frightened to breath. A thin bead of sweat sliding down her temple as the dot slowly rose over her chest coming to rest where her heart lay beneath her flesh.
<Oh god!> She prayed silently. <Don?t let it end like this.> She clenched her eyes shut tightly.
A near silent burst pierced the air. She heard the glass shatter as the bullet smashed through it. She yelped in pain as she felt it pierce her skin and felt the blood begin to spill from the wound. Her knees failed her and she fell to the floor. As she fell the image of icy, blue eyes flickered through her mind's eye. And then the floor rushed to meet her and she hit the ground hard with a slight bounce.
That was not the end. She knew that she was still very alive by the sharp pain, which lanced continuously through her left shoulder. She brought her fingers to the wound and they came away wet, the red blood appearing black in the gloom. She could here loud thudding noises from the balcony, reminding her of the assassin and the threat to her life, and the world's peace. Clasping her hand over her shoulder in an attempt to stem the bleeding, she rolled over on to her back.
From her prone position all she looked up. The red dot danced erratically across the ceiling. Looping and zipping in all directions in a path of total chaos, leaving a blinking trail of red in its wake. Then suddenly it stopped dead, she watched it hover in still, too still. Still not believing that she was yet safe, she rolled on to her right side, hand still clamped over her left shoulder, and pulled her self into a sitting motion. The movement of every muscle in her torso sent waves of pain rippling down her arm. She gritted her teeth together and bore the pain as that was all she could do.
The glass of the window exploded inwards, the sound making Relena's heart leap into her throat and pulse faster and faster. Two shapes burst into the room and fell heavily onto the floor, where they began wrestling violently with each other, both fighting over the gun, clasped in the larger shapes fist. The smaller of the two shadows (that she had identified as two men), dug his nails into the other hand as he tried to tear the gun from his grasp. A growl of pain came from the large figure and the smaller on took advantage of the moment to slam the gun-totting fist repeatedly into the carpet. There was a loud snap, followed by the faint sound of falling metal as the silencer broke from the weapon. With a cry of fury and a burst of renewed strength the larger man, grabbed hold of his smaller opponent ruthlessly and flipped him onto his back, banging him into the floor hard. The small attacker made no audible sign of his pain as he maintained his tenacious grasp of the gun in the other's hand. The hulking shadow tried to gain the advantage, by straddling his opponent, using his weight to keep him pinned as he yanked furiously on his gun, trying to break his enemies grip. He knew he was close to victory when one of the smaller figures hands slipped from the gun, but his victory never came as the small man balled his newly freed fingers into a fist, which he sent crashed into the larger man's face. A wet crack filled the room as a nose was broken, then the bigger figure yelped loudly as the enemies knee flew upwards into his groin. Pressing his attack home the smaller fighter grasped hold of his enemies hair with his free hand and pulled back sharply as he pushed the tip of the gun to his opponents throat. Without any hesitation he squeezed the trigger.
The shot resounded through the room like a thunderbolt. It echoed off the papered walls as well as the mental barriers of Relena mind. The top of the large man's skull burst like a rotten melon, showering blood, brains and fragment of skull like exploded shrapnel. Relena turned away in disgust at the sight, squeezing her eyes shut as bile burned up into her throat.
The smaller figure grunted as he shoved the bleeding corpse from on top of him, she heard him move and fear gripped her. Was this shadow going to finish the job and kill her. Forcing herself to be strong and to face death with her head held high she turned to view this new threat. What she saw stole her breath more efficiently than any bullet could ever have.
" Heero?" She whispered.
There he was, kneeling in the silvery light of the moon. His hair hanging over his brown in dark, tousled bangs. He had hardly changed in the year since she had last seen him. He was taller and older, lean muscles bunching beneath the moss green fabric of his tank top. He was also covered in blood, it stained his jeans and was smeared over his gaunt face.
<It suits him> she said to herself.
The blood that stained him seemed part of him, as did the gun in his hand, forming the image of the perfect soldier. It was his role, where she preached her ideals of pacifism he killed to make them reality. To create a better word it was sometimes necessary to commit most grievous offences, and Heero seemed to take them all on his young shoulders. To sacrifice his own personal humanity for the sake of a unified humanity. As she watched she could still she a trail of blood slide in beads down his face, over his eyes.
His eyes still called to her. They were ice blue, like frozen steel, death shimmered in them as light glinted of the faces of a crystal. The dark blood that framed them made his eyes shine all the more. The coldness of them sent shivers down her spine, but she was as drawn to them as ever. She could not ever explain it but his eyes fascinated her, perhaps it was because tnhey were the eyes of a man who already knew he was dead, and could not bring himself to care. Perhaps it was the image of a scared boy, who had something very precious stolen from him that she sometimes saw in their irises. Perhaps it was the hope that one day she would she the flames of passion alight in their depth for her Perhaps it was all these things.
" Relena." he said, his voice flat and mechanical. They continued to stare at each other curiously, trying to read each other?s faces. The silence in the air was smothering her; it hung over them like a dense fog.
The door flew open and slammed against the wall, and the fog was gone. Four men in dark Preventer uniforms and carrying large, ominous rifles ran in, instantly surrounding Heero. The young man regarded the ring of firearms impassively, as if they just didn't matter to him. His eyes continued to glint frozen blue.
" Put the gun down, NOW!" One of the Preventers screamed. The weapon thudded to the floor as Heero complied.
" Who are ya, what?re ya doing In the Vice-Minister's room." yelled the troops commander, a grizzed, old soldier with a sharp temper and scar running from brow to chin called Collins.
" Hn," Heero replied.
Collins swung the butt of his rifle down and smacked it into Heero's face, the boys head whipped round with the force of the impact. There was a loud crunch as the metal crashed against his cheek.
" Collins stop!" Relena snapped. With a gentler voice she spoke to Heero. " Are you all right Heero."
Heero said noting as he knelt there, fingers probing and the cheek that had already began to swell into an angry purple bruise, testing the extent of the damage. He glared at Collins dangerously. The man was only slightly fazed by the youth's intense stare. He attempted to cover it by turning to Relena.
" Ma'am, you know this man?" he asked, his dubious tone apparent in his strong Texan accent.
" Yes, he's my friend. I demand that you release him now."
" Ah'm sorry ma'am but he'll hafta come down to HQ for questionin'."
" But he saved my life," Relena protested.
" Sorry ma'am, but orders are orders. For all we know he coulda took the other guy out for a chance ta pop ya himself." Collins said.
" That's ridiculous."
The captain ignored her as he gestured to his men. Two Preventer?s roughly pulled Heero to his feet before wrenching his arms behind his back and securing them in handcuffs. Heero did not resist, he simply stood there, betraying no sign of pain at his violent treatment and keeping his eyes fixed balefully on Collins. With a shove he was started walking, still surrounded by gunpoints as he was led from the room.
Relena made to follow, only to have Collins block her path. He looked down at her, and Relena stared back up at him with steely determination.
" You should stay here ma'am where it?s safe," he said.
Relena snorted, and tossed her head. " I'm coming with you so that I can see Lady Une and ask her why it is necessary to arrest my friend."
" But ma'am if he got loose he could well finish wha' he started."
" He did not start anything. And I am coming with you and that is that." She said, her tone and the fire in her eyes daring Collin's to challenge her. But the soldier knew he was beaten.
" Well awlright, but ah insist y'ride wi' me."
Relena grumpily nodded her assent and stormed from the room, Collin's hurrying to follow.
2 hours later. Preventer HQ, Sanc Kingdom.
" WHY ISN'T HE LOCKED UP. THE MAN IS A TREAT TO EVERYONE AROUND HIM, ESPECIALLY RELENA." The man who was once known as Zechs Marquise yelled, the spittle that flew from his angry mouth visible even on the vid-screen.
" Don't you're over-reacting just a teeny weensy bit, Milli?" replied Duo.
" Be serious for once in your life Maxwell," Milliardo spat back.
" Lady Une, may I ask what kind of half-assed operation you are running, to let a cold-blooded killer like Heero Yuy allowed upon the same continent as my sister."
" Heero is not a killer." Relena snapped back.
" HE TREATENED TO KILL YOU FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!" Millardo's anger had lit his face up a purple-red, which clashed horribly with his platinum hair.
" Then he saved me." Relena retorted, fighting to retain her composure.
" This time."
" What does that mean," she said in a low, hard voice.
" Relena," her brother soothed. " Heero Yuy was trained for nothing but to kill. He is a living weapon. A loose cannon, and he is dangerous. Very dangerous."
" Hey, watch what you're saying there Zechs. Heero may be a bit intense but he's human." Duo argued in defence of his friend.
" Is he?" Another stern voice arose from the dark-haired man who was leant against the wall, watching the whole scene through his almond-shaped eyes.
" Wu Fei." Duo growled standing sharply from his seat. " That's your friend you?re speaking of."
" All I'm saying Maxwell, is that Yuy is what Zechs describes him to be. A killer. The man had lived and breathed death since he was born. Murder hangs over him like a storm cloud. He is the Perfect weapon. It is strategically unwise, and plain foolish to think a man like that can be controlled."
Duo's eyes glinted with a sudden violet light as he clenched his hands into white-knuckled fists. Millardo smirked, smug that his opinion was shared and was being listened to.
" However," the Chinese pilot continued. " I don't think that he poses any form of threat to Ms Peacecraft. He believes her to be instrumental in keeping the peace he helped create, for some bizarre reason." Wu Fei's tone was highly dubious.
" IF HE'S NO THREAT THEN WHY WAS HE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. STALKING HER."
" We do not know that yet Milliardo," Lady une said evenly. " He refuses to answer any questions, and all attempts to interrogate him have failed."
The room was filled with silence as all parties collapsed into their own thoughts. Each one trying to deduce why Heero had been outside Relena's mansion, and contemplating what to do with him now. Finally a voice rose up to shatter the quiet.
" Let me talk to him," Relena said firmly, standing up to face Lady Une with a determined glare.
" What?" Duo asked.
" Let me see him. He'll talk to me," she suggested again, her tone wavering slightly like a child who was trying to convince her parents of something. Her brother however was livid in his refusal.
" ABOSOLUTELY OUT OF THE QUESTION!" He raged.
Relena turned her body so as to present her back to the furious image of her brother. She faced Lady Une staunchly, head held high as she pulled herself to her full height as if trying to make herself seem bigger.
" Let me talk to him. Alone. You can post a guard outside if you wish, but you know he would not hurt me. I need to see him."
" NO RELENA. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT YOU ARE GOING ANY WHERE NEAR THAT MAN! AND THAT'S FINAL. HE IS A COLD...."
Lady Une rose from her desk and crossed the room. Millardo still screaming upon the screen, not noticing her approach. She reached over and tapped a button on a nearby console. The digital image of an angry prince vanished from the screen in mid-rant. Smiling to herself she turned round and her grin vanished.
" Okay Relena, I'll show you where he is."
*****
Leaning up on the tips of her toes Relena peeped through the tiny window built into the ominous face of the heavy steel door. She squinted until the fuzzy, smudged images became clearer until she could see him.
He sat silently behind a plain, wooden desk. His arms were crossed idly upon the smooth, dark surface. His head hung low despondently as he stared at the desk, his face obscured behind his thick, dark hair. Her heart went out to him. The tenseness the Perfect Soldier usually displayed was gone from his posture. There was no sense of poise or readiness about him like there was during the war. He was not ready to fight or kill, he was not on guard. He just did not care, and could not bring himself to attempt it. He seemed hopeless, empty. Like a man who was dead, yet had yet to fall down.
Dried blood was still crusted in his tank top, and upon the skin of his arms and neck. She knew it still stained his face, even though she could not see. He looked so tired. She could see world-weary exhaustion all about him. As if he were tired of living.
She turned to Lady Une and requested a picture of water and two glasses, the Preventer Commander sent a soldier running off on the errand. Satisfied, Relena twisted the handle, the door unlocked with a loud clang and then she entered the small room.
His head shot up when she entered, suddenly tense. His eyes glinted hauntingly, as he saw it was her. Convinced she was no threat he sat back in his chair, but he did not relax. He just sat there, watching her with a silent grimace and cold eyes, like a waiting lion. The silence in the room seemed to shake the walls and quake beneath the floor. Finally she broke the quiet.
" I've come to talk to you Heero."
" Why?" he responded tonelessly.
" It's been a whole year."
" It has."
" How have you been?" She asked followed by a mental slap <What a stupid question!>
" I'm alive," he answered, as if that was all that needed to be said.
<Tough room,> Relena thought as she sat across from him. " Where have you been all this time?"
" Hear and there," he replied. " Not far."
She fought valiantly against the urge to sigh or roll her eyes, or take a hold of his top with two fists and shake him until he started to talk. The mental picture of her using " bad cop" tactics of interrogation on the stolid youth threatened to bring a smirk to her lips but she suppressed it. It was time to cut the crap and get to the point.
" What were you doing on my balcony Heero?" She asked sternly.
" My mission," he stated simply. Relena blinked in mild confusion.
" What mission."
" My only mission, now" he said with a hint of bitterness creeping into his voice.
Fixing him with a level stare, catching his eyes with her own and trying to read what lay in their frozen depths, she continued her questioning determinately.
" What is your mission?"
He stared back at her, and for a moment something unknown flashed in his eyes, something warm. Something hot and searing that for the second it was there, peered in to Relena's soul and threatened to melt her. She was almost drowning in that Prussian, blue fire.
" You are."
Those words at once confused and thrilled her. She shuddered, suddenly feeling vulnerable, naked to his icy gaze, which attempted to see into her soul. The words he said indicated care, concern affection. Things she had longed to feel from him. Yet he had said them in that same dull, emotionless tone. As if she was just a mission, a task, an object. She needed to know more.
" Who gave you this mission Heero?"
" I did," he replied.
She fought the urge not to let her jaw drop, or her brows furrow, or to display any other indication of the confusion and surprise that response had barraged her with. She had braced herself for all possible answers, Doctor J, her brother, the ESUN, even Duo. But it was his own action, not an order, perhaps he was finally acting upon his emotions, perhaps he really did care. Her heart began to soar upon warm currents of hope as she asked the next question.
" Why?"
He looked her strangely for a moment, as if trying to read her. He seemed curious, as his head tilted slightly as he regarded her.
" Don't you remember?"
She could not help show her bewilderment this time as his question sunk in. She pondered his words, <Remember what?>
" Remember what?" She asked, this time aloud.
" On Libra," he said as if probing her reaction. " I promised you that I would protect you?"
How could she forget? The words of that vow were like her favourite movie. She replayed them in her head whenever she was sad, lonely or hurt. They echoed in her dreams as she remembered how close they had been then, and cursed the barriers of the spacesuits that had separated them.
" I remember. So is that why you are here. To keep your promise."
" Yes. You are my mission now."
Her heart plummeted again like a bird, shot from the sky. So this was just about a promise. She was just another mission, but one that was self-inflicted by virtue of his soldiers honour. She willed herself to be strong, not to shed a tear in feeling for the man who had no feelings of his own.
" How long have you been on this mission." She spat the last word as if tasted sour.
" Seven months, twenty-eight days and fourteen hours." He said robotically.
She gaped at him. Nearly eight months. Eight months he had been there, in the shadows. He had followed her everywhere, watched her sleep. <He might even have watched me shower> she thought with a slight blush. Her shock soon gave way to anger. Her nails scratched the tables as her hands balled into fists. She thought of all the times, she had cried wondering where he was. If he was alive. If he had been killed on a mission, if he had destroyed himself, if he had found someone else. All those thoughts of him, and he had been there all along. Hiding in the dark corners of her life like a poisonous snake. She glared at him furiously, and her stared back impassively.
" How could you," she hissed. " All this time and not a word. All those people who were worried about you, and who missed you. And you were right there spying on me." She had risen swiftly from her seat, and now leaned across the desk, peering into his eyes through her own narrowed blue orbs. He sat there and looked back, unaffected or uncaring of her fury.
" It was necessary for the mission." He replied coldly.
With a growl and a sudden burst of energy she slapped her hands on the surface of the desk, a loud clap resounding through the small room. Heero's eyes widened slightly, unaccustomed to such a violent reaction from the pacifist princess. Happy that she managed to wrestle even a tiny reaction from the stone-faced soldier, she continued to force-feed him a piece of her mind, bit by bit.
" Damn it Heero, this I'm not an Oz base or some mobile suit. I'm a person. I have feelings, emotions, hopes and dreams. I am not just a mission or an object to be dealt with. You have no right to treat me as such. The war is over Heero, you can't go on toying with the emotions of those who care for you. We're all human, even if you like to deny it." She watched him, staring at his face and in his eyes for any sign that her word were having any impact. There was none. Now too infuriated to stand still, she began pacing the room. Throwing another spiteful comment at him.
" Just because you have no feelings does not give you the right to trample all over other peoples," she spat.
Heero blinked and dropped his gaze. Relena did not notice as she continued pacing, wondering how she could have missed him all this time. Even now she could feel him. His presence made her skin tingle and her pulse sing through her veins. She had always been able to sense him somehow. In the war when he came to kill her, she had known he was there before he had even pulled out the gun. But for eight months she had felt nothing. <Wait a minute Eight months!?> Her eyes widened as she spotted the missing piece of the puzzle. <He's been gone for fourteen.>
" Heero," she asked suddenly calm. The dark-haired youth looked up at her. " If you've been protecting me for eight months. Where were you for the other six?"
Something passed over his eyes. A void of despair and emptiness absorbed in his irises. Once again he looked dead, a breathing corpse. But as swiftly as it had appeared the void vanished, once again hidden behind walls of Prussian-blue ice.
" After I left the hospital, after the Marimeia incident, I wandered the earth and through space. I watched the people rebuilding their towns and cities after the battles. They all seemed so determined to get on with their lives, so happy that they finally experienced peace. Thanking God and thanking you for that peace. As I travelled I saw many people in many places, but it was the same everywhere. Joy and hope had spread through the people of the earth and the colonies like sunlight through a darkened room. But it all seemed so alien to me. As if happiness was hung in front of me, but every time I reached for it I grasped only air."
Heero paused, he looked up at Relena. She looked back at him, rapt in his words, concern and sorrow dwelling in her azure eyes. Shrouding himself in the mask of the perfect soldier he continued.
" I visited the other Gundam pilots at first. But they all had lives of their own.
?Wu Fei had dived headfirst into his job as a Preventer, he and Sally putting out every fire, dealing with every problem that risked the fragile peace you had achieved, and growing closer as they did. Trowa was happy in the circus taking comfort in the pleasure he could bring to the audience with his stunts and clowning. Quatre reconciled with his family and began learning the family business, settling into his new role as CEO of Winner Enterprises. He took regular breaks to visit Dorothy who he helped to gain her feet and find her place in her world of peace, she began to see war as the horror it was and with his financial advice set up her own fashion company. Soon " Catalonia" was a top of the range fashion label. Duo set up his salvage yard, and got " reacquainted " with Hilde who he made his partner. But as was typical for him he found it too boring and let her run the business as he joined the Preventers.
? I even met up with Sylvia Noventa, who had become active in the world of politics, campaigning for a place in the ESUN senate and was founding a war orphanage in her Grandfather's memory. She forgave me again as she had done when I offered her my gun, she even asked me to stay with her."
At hearing this Relena's eyes narrowed. Her heart twanged with something that she refused to acknowledge as jealousy. However it continued to nag at her, along with a stab of self-doubt. She had met the Noventa girl, and she was very pretty. She couldn't blame Heero if he found her attractive. Heero seemed to notice her change of expression and raised his eyebrow questioningly, unsure what it meant.
" I could not stay though. It felt wrong. I felt wrong. It was the same wherever I went. I felt as if I didn't belong. The people around me all seemed fake, two-dimensional as if they were not real. I felt as if I were black and white in a world of colours that I could not conceive. I tried to fit in. I got jobs and threw myself into my work, but it never lasted long. There was something wrong with me. Then I remembered something Wu Fei had said to me as we fought in the skies above earth. He had said that I could only acknowledge my existence through fighting. And then I knew what was wrong with me."
Heero's fist tightened, the knuckles turning white. Heero sat like a statue, stony and impassive but now the coldness of his aura radiated from him. Relena shivered just being near him. She wondered why her breath did not cloud into vapour as the room suddenly grew chill as his icy eyes regarded her.
" I was not built for peace. I cannot survive in it. Like a fish out of water, I cannot live without death clouding over me." Relena shook her head, trying to deny his words but unable to say a word. He either did not see or ignored her as he continued. " The other pilots became soldiers out of circumstance. They have something else, something, which makes them human. They have something to offer the world, and that allows them to leave in a peaceful world with peace in their souls."
The cold intensified. It surrounded him like a cloak of frost. The room seemed to darken as if the coldness from Heero was stealing all the warmth and light. Relena listened to his words and could only manage a weak
" No?"
" I have no soul. I was designed solely for war. I do not have a place in peace. I am not a soldier who uses a weapon. I am the weapon. As deadly as the bullet of a gun, as cold as the steel of the sword. I am useless without a battle to fight, I cannot live without a mission to complete."
Relena snapped from her trance. She could not stand to hear any more. She could not bear to hear this man, who had more strength than all the men she had ever met combined, deny his worth and refute his own humanity.
" No Heero. You cannot think that. You know it?s not true. You have to." She wailed as she sat down in front of him, and leaned across the desk taking his cold hand in hers and sharing her warmth with him. His eyes looked at her with out emotion, and hers returned with enough feeling for both of them as tears glistened in her eyes, making her cerulean irises shimmer like the waves of the sea.
" But," he said softly and she thought she felt his fingers tighten about her own. " Then I saw you. And as I sat in that dingy bar and watched you on the TV with no sound, I saw the sun shine throughout your hair as if they were one, it seemed as if your locks were made from the rays of the sun itself. Then I remembered my promise, and realised I had a mission.?
He looked up, and his eyes sought her own, ?You. I made it my sole task in life to protect you, and by doing do I can give something to the world by keeping the peace and the one who brought it to the world."
" That is when you began following me. You were defending me from the shadows.
" Yes." He said returning to the one sentence answers. " It was my mission."
Silence then stretched out between them. They sat each watching the other,
Relena tried to read Heero. Searching for any sign of life in those blue depths. Heero glared back with a face of granite. She could not hold his gaze for long, and soon dropped her eyes to escape the frosty intensity of that stare. She stared at the desk, watching her fingers nervously fidget and fiddle with each other as she pondered what had been said. Finally she spoke without thought.
" Then protect me as it should be done."
" Hn?" He grunted in question, his eyebrow quirking up again.
" Protect me, she repeated. " As my bodyguard."
He said nothing, just stared at her.
" If guarding me is your mission, then guard me. Work for me, be my bodyguard and perform your mission."
Still he said nothing. It was irritating her immensely.
" Well, what do you say?" She pressed impatiently.
" Mission accepted," was the cold reply.
***
Relena slowly buttoned up her thin cotton blouse as the memories lifted from her vision like fog before the light of the sun. That was how Heero Yuy had re-entered her life. He was as good as his word and guarded her with unwavering devotion. Yet as time passed the loneliness of her position and his life grew on them and they reached to each other for solace. He became her bulwark against the pressure of her job, against the stresses and pain of life, and she tried to break the icy walls of the Perfect Soldier, she went in search of the man inside.
But no matter many times she had cried on his shoulder, how many jokes she had told in an effort to get him to crack as smile, how she asked him about his troubles and tried to take awaya the pain and tradgedy that haunted his dreams, his eyes never changed. He smirked, even joked in a fashion, although it was usually sharp-humoured and vitrous sarcasm, it never touched his eyes.
Like frozen steel they remained. The intensity of his glare was enough to freeze a room, to darken the sky. She had stared into their depths thousands upon thousands of times, trying to find some hint of emotion. So many times that they appeared in her mind eye like he was right in front of her. Every shade of blue, every play of the light on their surface was stored in her minds eye. Yes his eyes haunted her even to this day. The way the blue waves swirled in his irises like a wild ocean, like a storm, flashing occasionally as if lightning had struck in his pupils.
Then another pair of eyes floated through her mind. These were not blue but green. Glistening emeralds that shone with a warmth that Heero's eye had never possessed. The light in those eyes was like a green sun. It made her skin tingle as if she and brought her such peace and comfort, like the warm glow of a hearth in winter. But it was the knowledge of what that light meant that exhilarated her. Love. Love for her. Something she had never seen in Heero's eyes.
Except that last night as he ran his fingers through her hair and over her face. As he whispered the words her heart had longed to hear since she was fifteen, there had been something. Something in his eyes that she had not seen since the day she saw him in that interrogation room. Fire. Blue fire that threatened to consume her soul, as if she had fallen into
a river of lava, molten flames that threatened to drown her and smother her with their heat.
But what did it mean, how had that fire melted through the layers of ice. Did Heero mean what he said? Did he truly love her? Or was he just drunk, and the fire was just the light of liquor in his blood? She did not know. And this riddle was killing her.
She froze in her thoughts. The door was knocked again, this time slightly louder. She sighed as she closed her eyes, she did not want to deal with people yet. She wanted to get back into bed and crawl up, to pull the curtains closed and shut out the world. To say to the world?
" I'm sorry Relena Peacecraft is not in right now, but if you would like to leave a massage after the beep, she'll try to get back to after she picks up the pieces of her confused and scattered heart." But she was the Vice Foreign Minister, there were treaties to review, delegates to pacify and a mountain of paperwork to sign. Fuck, she thought.
" Come in," she called to the person on the other side of the wood-panelled door.
Paygan entered, with polite smile that did not tough the grey eyes set in narrow lids lined with wrinkles. His hair fell in snowy waves upon his starched collar, and his white moustache was trimmed to perfection as it lined his wrinkled jowls.
" Ah Miss Relena, glad to see you are awake. And quite early as well."
" Good Morning Paygan," she greeted with false joy.
The old man seemed to consider her a moment, his eyes sparkling with rejuvenated youth as he seemed to probe her for something. Then he quickly returned to his polite, traditional demeanour.
" Miss Schbieker is here to see you Ma'am." he said.
" Hilde?" she said eyes widening. <Why is she here so early? I would have thought that Duo would have kept her "busy" this time in the morning. >
" Oh, show her in then please," she asked.
The old man bowed slightly and with great formality, and disappeared in to the hallway. Soon he was replaced by Hilde, her wild, dark hair in even greater disarray than usual. She wore a troubled frown, concern and worry shimmered in her sky blue eyes. Seeing her friend so unsettled made Relena's welcoming smile melt away. She quickly ushered the German girl into the bedroom so that she was sat at the foot of the bed, and closed the door.
" Hilde what's wrong?" she asked softly as she joined the other woman on the bed.
" I dunno Relena, you tell me."
The princess stared at Hilde for a while, blinking slowly. Her brow furrowed slightly.
" What?" she asked finally.
" Heero came by earlier today," Hilde said, then her voice tightening she added " Very early."
At mention of Perfect Soldiers name Relena's composure shattered and her shoulders slumped as her breath came out in a long, drawn out sigh. She could no longer hold her friends gaze and her eyes dropped to study the woven pattern of her bed clothes. She began ringing her hands.
" What did he say?" she asked to softly it was almost a whisper.
" Nothing," Hilde replied calmly. Relena head shot up to look at her friend with her azure eyes wide open.
" He said nothing, I left before Duo could finally crack his stony exterior and get him to spill the beans. But I did learn that something happened between the two of you, but I think I would have known that even if he had not admitted it. It?s always something with you two. Nevertheless I'll just have to get the recounting of the actual events from you. And please don?t leave out any details." Hilde said, before crossing her legs and folding her hands in her lap, waiting patiently. Knowing there was no avoiding it, Relena began.
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Beer: I'm sorry *braces for blunt thrown objects and tomatoes.*
Well maybe Rose won't call me slacker-boy now.
