Dust (a fic in response to death)
Posted: Fri Aug 29, 2003 5:18 pm
Dust
Melville?s Best Friend
Rated C for HIGH CHRISTIAN content
Dedicated to Lauren Hayes
RIP
Keep busy. Keep moving. Make your bed, wash the windows. Clean the car. Do whatever it takes to keep your mind off of her. Talk to yourself. Sing to yourself. Pick any song you wish, any song at all.
Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God, my Father?
I?ve never seen the house look so filthy. The lemony smell of dusting agent does little to take my mind off death. I can?t even smell it. I just know it should be there.
Scrub.
Scrub.
Scrub.
Somehow I still don?t see my reflection in the wood. Maybe I don?t want to. So I guess I?ll keep singing. The only hymn I know. Her favorite hymn.
Ironic.
There is no shadow of turning with Thee?
Sweep.
Sweep.
Sweep.
Why won?t this dirt go away? I stop for a moment and look around me. Heero is sitting in the living room. He still hasn?t moved. Deadlocked. I haven?t heard a single sound from him, but I know he at least called my office.
By order of some unwritten law, I am not to go to work today. Heero Yuy?s arrangement. Maybe he was right. But work is all I have to take my mind off of Hilde?s death. Well?cleaning would have to suffice.
The dirt is choking me.
Or are those sobs?
He still hasn?t moved. I think he stopped blinking.
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not?
I never knew him to take death so hard. I guess that means he has changed.
I bet he wishes he hadn?t.
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be...
I stop my singing for a moment to question him with my eyes. I don?t have to ask whether or not he?s okay. I know the answer. No one is. No one ever will be.
?Don?t stop,? he says.
So, I won?t.
Great is Thy faithfulness. Great is Thy faithfulness?
I start sweeping again, and wonder if I see dirt all around me, or if it?s the unshed tears in my eyes making everything appear foggy and disoriented.
Maybe a mixture of both.
Either way, I keep on sweeping.
Morning by morning, new mercies I see?
Move on to food, Relena. You should eat.
So I do.
I don?t much care for celery, but it gives me something to chop. The knife moves so easily through the stalk, and it makes me think of how easily something can be destroyed.
Celery.
Life.
The two go hand in hand, I find myself thinking, and it is now that I realize that I?ve lost touch with reality. But I don?t want to go back. That would mean I?ve let go of her, and I refuse.
All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided?
Just keep singing. Just keep cleaning and cooking. The hurt doesn?t have to be felt. I don?t want to be like Heero, sitting there alone with his thoughts. The last thing I want to do is think.
I keep hearing ?Can you imagine what it must be like for Duo??
Imagination.
Thinking.
I?d rather not. I never want to know. And in some selfish way, I feel I might lose Heero, and then?
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.
I feel that spark inside me while I dice the cold vegetable. I can feel the water on my hands, and the chill wrinkles my fingers all the faster. But all I care about is this spark; my heart rate slowly rising. Faster and faster.
The stinging sensation that starts in my stomach and works its way to my sinuses. That burning itch in the bridge of my nose. My eyes ablaze with unshed mourning.
Anger has finally caught up with me, as I have let my mind wander.
I shouldn?t have thought about it.
Summer, winter, springtime, and harvest?
It?s hot, this feeling. It?s eating me from the inside. I know I can?t hide the tears any longer, and they start to fall freely, mixing with the dew on the greens. So I sing louder.
Suns, moons, and stars in their courses above?
The chopping gets more frantic. I can?t even tell if I?m purposefully making dents in my kitchen counter, or if my body is acting of its own accord. Maybe both.
Join with all nature in manifold witness?
The floor looks inviting.
I pound my fists into the counter and slump in a heap on the chilling tile.
Why is everything so cold?
In the middle of summer?
Why?
And then it comes out of my lips. It leaves my head and manifests into words that start out slowly, but build in tempo and crescendo into a resonating forte.
And then Heero is with me. And he continues where I left off.
He hums for me, and the words are clear within my mind.
?Don?t stop,? I say.
And he won?t.
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
?Why did she die, Heero??
Great is Thy faithfulness!
?Why did she die when the world needs her more than it needs someone like me? Her smile, her laughter, her voice.
?They were everything to everyone. She made so many feel accepted. She never wore a mask as I did.?
Great is Thy faithfulness!
?Why? WHY? It?s not fair!!! She didn?t deserve this! I would have gladly taken her place?I would have gladly taken her place??
Morning by morning, new mercies I see?
?And what about Duo? How can he survive this? How can he possibly live knowing his better half isn?t with him??
All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided?
Now I scream. It?s loud and bellows throughout our home. So much agony. So much suffering, and I can?t let it out fast enough.
I can?t let it out fast enough.
It builds up as a virus would; eating away at my stronghold. Maybe I will die from heartache, and then I can see her.
Maybe I can strike some deal with God and He?ll take me instead.
And throughout my screaming, I can still hear him.
The sobs shake me, and Heero holds me and keeps humming.
I can still see her face.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.
?This is my favorite verse,? I say. He asks if I want to sing it by kissing my forehead. And so I sit there and sing while in his arms.
Protected, yet so very vulnerable.
Pardon for sin, and a peace that endureth?
I want that peace. Enduring peace. Everlasting peace.
I want what Hilde now has.
I want some for Duo. I want some for Heero. I want to shower everyone in peace. Blanket the whole world in tranquility.
Pastor says she?s not dead, but has just begun to live.
That?s great and everything, but I want her here. With me. With us. Everyone else was ready. But Hilde went instead.
I hope she wasn?t alone.
I was unaware I said it aloud. I feel Heero?s breath on my ear.
?She was never alone, Relena.?
I can take that in more way than one.
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide?
The only question I have is one that can never be answered. Why?
All I can sum is God makes a way from no way, and this, too, shall pass.
Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow?
Strength.
God, give me strength.
Now, I have nothing, so God give me strength.
Now Duo has nothing, so God, give him strength.
And Heero, and Quatre, and Dorothy?please give us all strength.
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!!!
I was blessed to know her, I think.
I know.
I was blessed to know Hilde.
And I feel sorry for all who didn?t get to know her.
Great is Thy faithfulness!!!!
And I feel sorry for Duo, who has to live knowing that were he in the car, he would be with her right now.
Great is Thy faithfulness!!!!
And I feel sorry for Hilde, who has to watch us all mourn her from Heaven, and so I dry my tears.
And Heero helps.
And we sing together.
Morning by morning, new mercies I see!!!!
And the pain that built, diminishes.
Though I suppose it will never leave.
I don?t think I want it to.
And I can still see her face.
She?s beautiful.
All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided!!!!
And I miss her.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!!!!
I miss her.
Great is Thy faithfulness!!!!
Slowly, I look around and I see?
No more dust.
In loving memory of Lauren Hayes. I pray that her family finds the grace and peace of the Lord in this time.
Disclaimer: I don?t own the song or the GW characters. I wrote this to vent what happened to my friend. Basically, I am Relena. I wrote exactly all I did and thought. Only my friends were all at college, so I vented through Ryan, Rose, and Wicked. Thank you all for being there for me. If ever we meet, I get first dibs on glomps.
Her funeral was beautiful. I couldn?t look at the casket. It was pink. I miss her very much, but I know she?s happy where she is, and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind she?s with her Father, and one day, I?ll see her again.
I love you, Lauren. I miss you, but, girl, when I get up there with you, we?re gonna? sing, okay? It?s a date.
~MBF
Melville?s Best Friend
Rated C for HIGH CHRISTIAN content
Dedicated to Lauren Hayes
RIP
Keep busy. Keep moving. Make your bed, wash the windows. Clean the car. Do whatever it takes to keep your mind off of her. Talk to yourself. Sing to yourself. Pick any song you wish, any song at all.
Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God, my Father?
I?ve never seen the house look so filthy. The lemony smell of dusting agent does little to take my mind off death. I can?t even smell it. I just know it should be there.
Scrub.
Scrub.
Scrub.
Somehow I still don?t see my reflection in the wood. Maybe I don?t want to. So I guess I?ll keep singing. The only hymn I know. Her favorite hymn.
Ironic.
There is no shadow of turning with Thee?
Sweep.
Sweep.
Sweep.
Why won?t this dirt go away? I stop for a moment and look around me. Heero is sitting in the living room. He still hasn?t moved. Deadlocked. I haven?t heard a single sound from him, but I know he at least called my office.
By order of some unwritten law, I am not to go to work today. Heero Yuy?s arrangement. Maybe he was right. But work is all I have to take my mind off of Hilde?s death. Well?cleaning would have to suffice.
The dirt is choking me.
Or are those sobs?
He still hasn?t moved. I think he stopped blinking.
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not?
I never knew him to take death so hard. I guess that means he has changed.
I bet he wishes he hadn?t.
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be...
I stop my singing for a moment to question him with my eyes. I don?t have to ask whether or not he?s okay. I know the answer. No one is. No one ever will be.
?Don?t stop,? he says.
So, I won?t.
Great is Thy faithfulness. Great is Thy faithfulness?
I start sweeping again, and wonder if I see dirt all around me, or if it?s the unshed tears in my eyes making everything appear foggy and disoriented.
Maybe a mixture of both.
Either way, I keep on sweeping.
Morning by morning, new mercies I see?
Move on to food, Relena. You should eat.
So I do.
I don?t much care for celery, but it gives me something to chop. The knife moves so easily through the stalk, and it makes me think of how easily something can be destroyed.
Celery.
Life.
The two go hand in hand, I find myself thinking, and it is now that I realize that I?ve lost touch with reality. But I don?t want to go back. That would mean I?ve let go of her, and I refuse.
All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided?
Just keep singing. Just keep cleaning and cooking. The hurt doesn?t have to be felt. I don?t want to be like Heero, sitting there alone with his thoughts. The last thing I want to do is think.
I keep hearing ?Can you imagine what it must be like for Duo??
Imagination.
Thinking.
I?d rather not. I never want to know. And in some selfish way, I feel I might lose Heero, and then?
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.
I feel that spark inside me while I dice the cold vegetable. I can feel the water on my hands, and the chill wrinkles my fingers all the faster. But all I care about is this spark; my heart rate slowly rising. Faster and faster.
The stinging sensation that starts in my stomach and works its way to my sinuses. That burning itch in the bridge of my nose. My eyes ablaze with unshed mourning.
Anger has finally caught up with me, as I have let my mind wander.
I shouldn?t have thought about it.
Summer, winter, springtime, and harvest?
It?s hot, this feeling. It?s eating me from the inside. I know I can?t hide the tears any longer, and they start to fall freely, mixing with the dew on the greens. So I sing louder.
Suns, moons, and stars in their courses above?
The chopping gets more frantic. I can?t even tell if I?m purposefully making dents in my kitchen counter, or if my body is acting of its own accord. Maybe both.
Join with all nature in manifold witness?
The floor looks inviting.
I pound my fists into the counter and slump in a heap on the chilling tile.
Why is everything so cold?
In the middle of summer?
Why?
And then it comes out of my lips. It leaves my head and manifests into words that start out slowly, but build in tempo and crescendo into a resonating forte.
And then Heero is with me. And he continues where I left off.
He hums for me, and the words are clear within my mind.
?Don?t stop,? I say.
And he won?t.
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
?Why did she die, Heero??
Great is Thy faithfulness!
?Why did she die when the world needs her more than it needs someone like me? Her smile, her laughter, her voice.
?They were everything to everyone. She made so many feel accepted. She never wore a mask as I did.?
Great is Thy faithfulness!
?Why? WHY? It?s not fair!!! She didn?t deserve this! I would have gladly taken her place?I would have gladly taken her place??
Morning by morning, new mercies I see?
?And what about Duo? How can he survive this? How can he possibly live knowing his better half isn?t with him??
All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided?
Now I scream. It?s loud and bellows throughout our home. So much agony. So much suffering, and I can?t let it out fast enough.
I can?t let it out fast enough.
It builds up as a virus would; eating away at my stronghold. Maybe I will die from heartache, and then I can see her.
Maybe I can strike some deal with God and He?ll take me instead.
And throughout my screaming, I can still hear him.
The sobs shake me, and Heero holds me and keeps humming.
I can still see her face.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.
?This is my favorite verse,? I say. He asks if I want to sing it by kissing my forehead. And so I sit there and sing while in his arms.
Protected, yet so very vulnerable.
Pardon for sin, and a peace that endureth?
I want that peace. Enduring peace. Everlasting peace.
I want what Hilde now has.
I want some for Duo. I want some for Heero. I want to shower everyone in peace. Blanket the whole world in tranquility.
Pastor says she?s not dead, but has just begun to live.
That?s great and everything, but I want her here. With me. With us. Everyone else was ready. But Hilde went instead.
I hope she wasn?t alone.
I was unaware I said it aloud. I feel Heero?s breath on my ear.
?She was never alone, Relena.?
I can take that in more way than one.
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide?
The only question I have is one that can never be answered. Why?
All I can sum is God makes a way from no way, and this, too, shall pass.
Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow?
Strength.
God, give me strength.
Now, I have nothing, so God give me strength.
Now Duo has nothing, so God, give him strength.
And Heero, and Quatre, and Dorothy?please give us all strength.
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!!!
I was blessed to know her, I think.
I know.
I was blessed to know Hilde.
And I feel sorry for all who didn?t get to know her.
Great is Thy faithfulness!!!!
And I feel sorry for Duo, who has to live knowing that were he in the car, he would be with her right now.
Great is Thy faithfulness!!!!
And I feel sorry for Hilde, who has to watch us all mourn her from Heaven, and so I dry my tears.
And Heero helps.
And we sing together.
Morning by morning, new mercies I see!!!!
And the pain that built, diminishes.
Though I suppose it will never leave.
I don?t think I want it to.
And I can still see her face.
She?s beautiful.
All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided!!!!
And I miss her.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!!!!
I miss her.
Great is Thy faithfulness!!!!
Slowly, I look around and I see?
No more dust.
In loving memory of Lauren Hayes. I pray that her family finds the grace and peace of the Lord in this time.
Disclaimer: I don?t own the song or the GW characters. I wrote this to vent what happened to my friend. Basically, I am Relena. I wrote exactly all I did and thought. Only my friends were all at college, so I vented through Ryan, Rose, and Wicked. Thank you all for being there for me. If ever we meet, I get first dibs on glomps.
Her funeral was beautiful. I couldn?t look at the casket. It was pink. I miss her very much, but I know she?s happy where she is, and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind she?s with her Father, and one day, I?ll see her again.
I love you, Lauren. I miss you, but, girl, when I get up there with you, we?re gonna? sing, okay? It?s a date.
~MBF
