[fic] So Close...And Yet So Far (Epilogue)
Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2003 4:34 pm
tha's rite ppl...it's here... and it didn't take me 6 months this time!
i don't think the realization has set in just yet that i'm actually done with
this fic after 2 and half yrs... to think..it all started nov. 2000 in my
freshman seminar class with the single word 'BOOM!' (wishful thinking on my
part that something would blow up so i could get out of that boring hell-hole
of a class) and now it's done... and i'm a little sad... cuz there won't be any
more death threats 'encouraging' me to write.. but i am so relieved that this
fic is no longer hanging over my head... BIGGEST THANK YOU TO COLEY MERRIN FOR
STAYING UP WITH ME TONITE TO GET SOME LAST MINUTE EDITING DONE!!!!
special thanx also go to everyone who has ever reviewed this fic.. and i know
there's a lot of u... and i wish i could thank u all individually... i luv u
guys!!
and now...on with the end... hopefully something to make u feel better about
the ending of the last chapter...
Miaka Mouse <?__)~
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters...or the songs... or anything at all...
please feed the poor college student... w/reviews of course!
So Close... And Yet So Far
Epilogue: Staring Down the Sun
The sunrise crept over the horizon like honey dripping from a comb. The warm
golden rays embraced the rooftops with their viscous light. Hilde sighed
languorously before dropping the lace curtain of their honeymoon suite. She
turned to look at Duo's sleeping form, draped over the queen-sized bed. His
unbound hair was strewn haphazardly across his bare back like maple syrup
running down in golden brown rivulets. She grinned at the thought, and
realized the imagery must be coming from her empty stomach. It seemed the
couple had different ways of compensating after such an intense 'workout'. She
ran a delicate fingertip along his cheek, down to his shoulder and traced the
side of his ribcage until he woke with a snort.
"Morning?" he mumbled turning his head in her direction.
"Morning," she confirmed and bent down to kiss his forehead. "I'm gonna order
some breakfast."
"Mmm...breakfast," he smiled before sitting up and stretching. He wrapped an arm
around her bare shoulders and nuzzled her neck. "Did you sleep at all?"
"A little," she confessed, "but I got up a little before dawn to watch the
sunrise." He rubbed his eyes.
"Why didn't you wake me up?" She grinned at him and tapped his chest lightly.
"I didn't have the heart. You were snoring." An indignant expression passed
across his features.
"I don't snore."
"Whatever you say, honey." She tweaked his nose. Her eyes brightened. "Speaking
of which, I'm in the mood for some toast with honey," she exclaimed before he
could say another word. Whatever had been on the tip of his tongue was
forgotten at the mention of food.
"Toast? I could go for a stack of pancakes a mile high right now. I'm
starving!" He leaned back against the cherry oak headboard with his hand
clasped behind his head as she dialed room service and made the order. He
watched as she cradled the phone against her shoulder to flip through the menu
and couldn't resist extending a hand to caress the smooth curve of her neck
that was exposed to him. She leaned into his hand as she hung up, and flung
the menu aside.
"I'm so glad we decided to elope," he commented as he pulled her into his arms.
She leaned back against his chest and clasped his hand in her own.
"Oh?" She craned her head back to look at him. He bent down to kiss her deeply
before continuing.
"I can't imagine having had to wait three more months to have this honeymoon."
She shifted against him, pulling his arms tighter around her.
"I know what you mean," she sighed, "but still, I feel bad about leaving
everyone else out of it."
"I don't think anybody was really in the mood for a wedding right now," Duo
replied. "Well, maybe Quatre. He probably would've wanted to pay for it or
something."
"Did you tell him about it?" Duo paused and leaned his head against hers. When
his silence seemed too extended she pulled back to look at him. "Duo?"
"He's got a lot on his mind right now. Heero's been staying at his house
since...well, for the past three months." His tone was soft and serious.
"Is he going to be ok?"
"I dunno. I hope so. Quatre's sister is supposed to be the best in the
business." He furrowed his brow.
"Quatre's lucky to have a psychiatrist in the family," she replied pensively.
"Yeah well, with 29 sisters one of 'em is bound to be useful." He grinned,
trying to lighten the mood. She could see through all his tricks now though,
and didn't take the bait in changing the subject.
"Did you want to go visit him?" He loosened his embrace around her and leaned
back.
"I don't know. Dorothy's there, keeping an eye on him. She says she owes it to
Relena to look out for him. I personally think she has a thing for Quatre."
He half-smiled at Hilde, who only looked back at him wordlessly, waiting for
him to continue. "I don't think he wants to see me."
"Duo, you know what happened at the hospital was just-"
"Yeah, I know he didn't mean it. But I can't see him. Not yet at least. Maybe
when he's better." She crawled out of his lap and reached for the phone again.
"Who are you calling?"
"Quatre. We should tell him about our wedding, and we can ask about Heero,
too."
"I dunno, Hil-" She shoved the phone in his ear.
"It's ringing," she whispered.
"Winner residence."
"Hey Quatre."
"Oh! Duo, it's been a while. How are you?"
"Oh, you know..." he hesitated. Hilde gestured impatiently for him to continue.
"I hear you've got a full house down there."
"Oh? Ohhh yes, actually, Trowa stopped by today to see Heero, but I'm afraid
he's...busy. So, Trowa has been spending the afternoon with Miss Dorothy."
Quatre didn't seem very pleased as he said this. Making fun would have been
too easy, so Duo let it pass. Instead he cleared his throat and asked the
question that had been on the tip of his tongue.
"So...how is...he?" Hilde rolled her eyes at him and flopped back on the bed. Duo
frowned at her and shrugged his shoulders, asking wordlessly what else she
wanted from him.
"He's much better," Duo could hear the smile in Quatre's voice.
"Better, huh? Back to normal?"
"No," he intoned, "better than normal. You should really come down and see him,
Duo." A knock at the door startled Duo, who had been deeply engrossed in the
conversation. He looked quizzically at Hilde, who gave him her own 'what's
wrong with you?' look, before whispering "room service" and going to answer the
door. "Yeah, maybe I will." He watched as Hilde pushed in a cart of heavenly
breakfast food. "Listen Quatre, room service is here, so I gotta go."
"Room service?" came Quatre's puzzled reply from the other end of the line.
"Yeah," Duo said, as if it should have been obvious. "Oh! Yeah, I'm at a
hotel," he added once he realized his mistake, "with Hilde. We're in a suite.
The honeymoon suite actually."
"Ok." Quatre still seemed slightly puzzled. "Oh honeymoon! Duo!
Congratulations! When did you-"
"Last night. We're on L2. We got hitched at the new Maxwell Church."
"Well that's great! Why didn't you tell me beforehand? What hotel are you
staying at? I know a lot of really nice spots on L2. Just let me make some
phone calls and I can get you a-"
"No, Quatre, that's okay, really. Me and Hil wanted to keep it simple. We're at
a nice place. It's classy, just more cozy than what you have in mind I think."
He looked around the room proudly as Hilde twirled a fork in his face. "OK.
Now I really have to go, Quat. Feel free to spread the news. I'll catch ya
later, bro."
"Goodbye, Duo. And kiss the bride for me."
"You bet I will," he grinned, before hanging up.
Quatre smiled softly to himself as he stood thoughtfully by the old-fashioned
mother-of-pearl rotary phone. Married. At least something good came out of
this mess. Heero would be pleased to hear about his friends' happiness, he was
sure. He'd have to tell him once his session was done.
************************
The woman who sat behind the desk facing Heero was almost pretty, he surmised.
She had blonde hair and blue eyes, and he wondered, if it were not for those
features that reminded him of Relena, whether he would still consider her so.
He supposed that her possessing enough of Quatre's open expression and Relena's
familiar features made it easier to talk to her. She watched him patiently
with her warm eyes.
"I think it's time to talk about what happened that day. Do you think you can?"
That day. The day she was shot. The day he went crazy. That day.
There were still parts that hurt when he thought about them, but it was easier
to remember now, to examine the emotions behind his actions.
Heero felt as if the air had turned into a viscous fluid, making his movements
seem slow and his mind feel clouded. His breaths were shallow and the voices
around him seemed muffled. He could decipher enough from his surroundings to
know he was in a hospital waiting room. The trip to get there was a blur; the
sirens of the ambulance sounded like echoes from afar and the lights had
blinked hazily, so he had not recognized them for what they were.
The fluorescent lights flickered dully above him, strengthening the illusion of
the thick gray liquid around him. His heart was pounding within him. Pounding.
Pounding. Pounding. When his head hit the wall behind him, he realized the
pounding was coming from Zechs' fists. The other occupants of the room finally
restrained the angry prince and Heero, his mind somewhat clearer than before,
noted the approach of a doctor. The doctor began to speak slowly and
deliberately, but Heero's attention wandered. He observed Dorothy clutching
Quatre's arm tightly, and wondered absently if the blond pilot could feel her
fingernails through his sleeve. His gaze finally wandered back to the surgeon
and he grasped at the string of words coming out of the doctor's mouth.
"...Lost a lot of blood. We haven't examined the extent of the organ damage as
of yet, but that will determine her chances for survival. We'll inform you as
soon as we have a better picture." He hesitated before continuing, his eyes
sweeping the room. "We also noticed some severe bruising on her upper arms and
neck. They look to be about two days old, maybe less." Everyone's attention
turned to Heero then. He could feel their eyes burning accusations into him. He
had to look away, his sight falling upon his bloodied hands, examining the way
the maroon liquid had seeped into every crack and crevice, trying to brand
itself there, so his guilt would be evident to everyone. 'This is what happens
when you get too close' the soldier in him whispered.
A hand clasped his shoulder and he recoiled violently, shoving a startled Duo
to the linoleum floor, where he slid until he hit the opposite wall. Duo looked
up at him, hurt evident in his wide violet eyes.
"Don't. Touch. Me." The words came out as a warning growl, betraying none of
the desperate fear in his thoughts. He would end up hurting everyone he was
close to. His mind warred with him. How could he protect them without getting
close? And he remembered Relena again. He had been so close then, right
outside the door. Still, he hadn't been able to save her. So close...and yet so
far. He snickered through the sobs he wasn't aware he'd been producing. His
haunting laughter echoed through the sterile hospital halls. He couldn't
remember when it finally stopped.
But it had. When he woke, he'd found himself strapped to a bed, looking up at
this woman who reminded him so much of Relena, it pained him to look at her.
He had felt enormous guilt, which now that he thought about it, was completely
illogical. He had not pulled the trigger that day. What he felt presently was
regret. Regret that he had not acted more quickly. Regret that he had not said
everything he wanted to say. But what would he have said?
"She told me she loved me."
"How did that make you feel?"
"I don't know. Confused. Did I love her, too? Was that the reason I felt so
out of control around her? If I loved her then, does that mean I still love
her?"
"Do you?"
"I don't know. I still haven't figured out what love is. I was attracted to
her. I tried to kiss her. That's not the same, is it?"
"Not necessarily. Love is a very complex emotion. Nobody really has a
definition for it." No definition? Did such a thing exist? An idea that could
not be put into words. And that was exactly what his feelings regarding Relena
were: indefinable. Still, his mind needed to make some sense out of them,
needed to categorize them so he could judge them properly.
"What do you think it is? In your opinion, what is love?" She looked at him
with Quatre's eyes; hesitant, yet compassionate.
"Love is different for everyone," she began, then paused and thought better of
it. She leaned forward over her desk, elbows resting firmly on the surface of
it. "In my opinion, above all other attributes of love are mutual respect and
understanding. The ability to know how another person feels without needing to
talk and knowing what they need without their having to ask." She tilted her
head to regard his reaction. He looked back at her pensively, trying to
determine whether his feelings fit under these criteria. He did respect
Relena, and he understood all her reasons for the things she did, but did he
know what she needed? He didn't even know she loved him until she actually told
him. Then again, maybe he did know, but was unwilling to admit that someone
could feel something like that for him, that she could feel something like that
for him.
"Heero?" The doctor's voice interrupted his musings. "This is our last session
and our time is almost up. Is there anything else you want to discuss?" His
thoughts left Relena and now turned back to himself. Was that it? Three months
of therapy had brought him to this moment. Was he content with himself yet?
Could he make it on his own in the real world, with real people? He hadn't felt
so uncertain about anything in his life, and he realized this was his answer.
He finally felt human, normal. He looked into her calm blue eyes with a gaze
free of any obstruction, light and clear.
"I-no, there's nothing I need to say. Except," he paused, weighing his words.
"Thank you, Nora." He stood up and she mirrored his action, smiling softly. He
turned to leave but hesitated, looking back at her before finally stepping up
to her desk and extending his hand. Her smile broadened as she shook it warmly.
"Good luck, Heero. I hope you find happiness."
*************
Hesitation was paralyzing, Quatre decided as he watched Trowa and Dorothy
conversing quietly on the other end of the veranda. Should he go and join
them? It looked like they were deep in conversation... a little too deep perhaps?
And here lay his dilemma. Were his reasons for interrupting them rooted in
jealousy? It would be wrong of him to go over if that were his motivation. But
then, he had no one else to talk to, and they were his guests, so it would be
perfectly understandable. His golden brows furrowed; he was really
over-thinking this. So what if his feelings went a little further than
friendship for-but that wasn't the point. He should just go over and keep some
pleasant company. As he moved to go to them, a voice startled him.
"That's something I didn't expect." Quatre turned to see Heero standing behind
him. Quatre gave him an innocent look.
"What?"
"I mean Trowa and Dorothy Catalonia. I thought she hated him." Quatre smiled
slightly, before replying.
"The war is over, Dorothy has changed quite a bit. I think she's realized how
much they have in common." Heero digested this statement thoughtfully.
"Do people need to have a lot in common to love each other?" Quatre looked back
sharply.
"Love?"
"Yeah. Can two people who are very different really love each other?" Quatre
scanned Heero's face pensively, trying to understand the underlying question in
his words. He was feeling rather defensive all of a sudden.
"I think real love doesn't have to rely on similarity of temperament. Two
people in love compensate for each other until they're two people making up one
complete whole." His gaze turned to the couple standing but a few feet away.
"Your strengths are found in their weaknesses and their strengths in your
weaknesses. You're so intertwined that sometimes it's hard to tell whose
traits are whose, where you end and they begin. It's always give and take." He
trailed off softly. He looked up shaking himself out of his wandering thoughts.
"Sorry, Heero, I just sort of started rambling. What brought that question on
anyway?" Heero looked him in the eye, dark blue uncertainty meeting Quatre's
ocean blue concern, but his reply was interrupted by the sound of a car engine
rumbling into the long drive surrounding the grounds. "Oh! They're here."
Heero stood frozen at his spot on the veranda, watching the limo pull to a
stop. A soft breeze ruffled his hair and sunlight filtered in and out of the
drifting clouds, intermittently illuminating and shadowing his motionless
figure. The sound of braking tires caught the attention of the other two
guests and they looked up, turning to walk toward the vehicle. The large door
opened revealing the boot-clad foot of one Chang Wufei, dressed impeccably in
his Preventer uniform. The driver's door opened as well, and Sally Po stepped
out from behind it. She waved as Quatre, Dorothy and Trowa approached.
As expectantly as Wufei held the passenger door open, so did Heero hold his
breath. He couldn't move, not until he saw the pale leg he'd once removed a
knee-high boot from extend out to the ground. Those graceful feet were now
encased in delicate white sandals, the knees covered with the soft ruffle of a
pale blue skirt. A slender hand reached out to Wufei's browned one, and as a
golden head rose out of the vehicle, Heero felt his chest collapse with his
released breath.
She was here.
And she was blinding.
His feet moved of their own accord, Heero's only conscious thoughts directed at
the sight she made, healthy, beautiful...alive. She smiled at Quatre and Heero's
heart skipped a beat. She finally looked around and spotted him striding
purposefully toward her. Her own body moved to meet him, eyes twinkling,
cheeks blossoming with warmth.
"Hello Heero," she said softly, trying to keep the smile on her face from
extending too far. "How are you?"
"I'm...fine," Heero stumbled over the words, his mouth suddenly dry and his mind
blank of all the things he'd wanted to tell her, to ask her. Her delicate
fingers weaved through his and he tensed at the sensation. This was real. She
was real. His fingers grasped hers back firmly as she led them down the drive,
away from the others.
"I'm sorry I couldn't come see you earlier. My wound is finally healed, still
a little tight but that doesn't stop people from expecting me to get things
done." Her free hand went to touch her side, and Heero had to stop his own hand
from following. "It's so frustrating how I have to worry about everyone else in
the world before I can worry about those I...care about. I've just been to see
Milliardo and Lucrezia and their new baby. They had a girl, you know, who I'm
sure Millie is going to spoil to bits." She smiled broadly, taking his other
hand and turning to face him. "You look so different," she sighed softly,
tracing his features with her aqua eyes. "And you didn't answer my question.
How are you?"
At this, the warmth in her eyes, the concern in her features, the closeness of
her body, he spoke.
"Fine," he repeated, "better. You're right. I am different. I feel
different." He paused, "I'm in love." She started noticeably at this, looking
into his eyes, scanning for something more.
"Who?" she whispered, so softly it was more a gust of air through her pursed
lips than a spoken word. He cocked his head, trying to gauge her expression.
"She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Not just physically, but
inherently. Some times I feel like I know her so well, and other times like
I've only discovered one layer of the mystery that she is. I can't breathe
sometimes when I think of her. I never knew what it meant, to have these
thoughts about someone, but I understand now." He stared down into her eyes,
his own burning as blue as a newly born star. "I love her."
Relena's hands were trembling inside his own, her expression unreadable.
"Does she love you back?" Her voice wavered, straining against something. His
gaze still locked on hers he replied.
"Yes. I think so." She threw her arms around his waist, her face muffled
against his chest.
"I'm so happy for you, Heero. I'm so glad you're finally happy." Heero's gaze
dropped to the crown of her honey hair, as she turned it to the side, still
pressed against his chest. "Am I going to meet her?" Heero pulled her up to
look at her in surprise.
"Meet who?"
"Quatre's sister. She's the one right? Everyone tells me how wonderful she
is." Her nose was slightly red and her eyes suspiciously bright through her
polite smile.
"Relena," he stared at her incredulously, "what are you talking about?" Her
smile faltered.
"You don't want me to meet her." Heero's head spun with the ridiculousness of
it all. Maybe he wasn't clear. He'd never been good at communicating his
emotions, and even though he'd learned so much these past few months he was
uncertain that it was enough. If words couldn't do it, he'd have to find
another way. He grasped her shoulder with one hand, bringing the other to her
jaw line as he leaned down and kissed her firmly on the mouth. She seemed
surprised at first but she finally caught on, breaking away to look at him.
"I-but-you..." It seemed as though Relena wasn't any better with words than he
was, but she giggled and embraced him again, her face buried in the crook of
his shoulder as the tears that had brightened her eyes just moments before came
tumbling down in relief. When she pulled away this time he was smiling.
"You have beautiful teeth, Heero. I've never seen you smile that way before,"
her voice filled with happy wonder.
"I was saving it for you," he replied, his smile softening. "I've been saving
this, too."
And he kissed her again.
This was love...bringer of happiness and sorrow, and fear and courage, life and
death. Infinite and changeable like the universe itself: no form, no void, no
category, no shelf or label. It was to be and they were in some way, in every
way, to be of it.
THE END
(last paragraph written by coley merrin in an essay on love)
on a side note... isn't it kinda sad that my answers to the drabble challenge got more reviews than the last chap of this fic...?
i don't think the realization has set in just yet that i'm actually done with
this fic after 2 and half yrs... to think..it all started nov. 2000 in my
freshman seminar class with the single word 'BOOM!' (wishful thinking on my
part that something would blow up so i could get out of that boring hell-hole
of a class) and now it's done... and i'm a little sad... cuz there won't be any
more death threats 'encouraging' me to write.. but i am so relieved that this
fic is no longer hanging over my head... BIGGEST THANK YOU TO COLEY MERRIN FOR
STAYING UP WITH ME TONITE TO GET SOME LAST MINUTE EDITING DONE!!!!
special thanx also go to everyone who has ever reviewed this fic.. and i know
there's a lot of u... and i wish i could thank u all individually... i luv u
guys!!
and now...on with the end... hopefully something to make u feel better about
the ending of the last chapter...
Miaka Mouse <?__)~
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters...or the songs... or anything at all...
please feed the poor college student... w/reviews of course!
So Close... And Yet So Far
Epilogue: Staring Down the Sun
The sunrise crept over the horizon like honey dripping from a comb. The warm
golden rays embraced the rooftops with their viscous light. Hilde sighed
languorously before dropping the lace curtain of their honeymoon suite. She
turned to look at Duo's sleeping form, draped over the queen-sized bed. His
unbound hair was strewn haphazardly across his bare back like maple syrup
running down in golden brown rivulets. She grinned at the thought, and
realized the imagery must be coming from her empty stomach. It seemed the
couple had different ways of compensating after such an intense 'workout'. She
ran a delicate fingertip along his cheek, down to his shoulder and traced the
side of his ribcage until he woke with a snort.
"Morning?" he mumbled turning his head in her direction.
"Morning," she confirmed and bent down to kiss his forehead. "I'm gonna order
some breakfast."
"Mmm...breakfast," he smiled before sitting up and stretching. He wrapped an arm
around her bare shoulders and nuzzled her neck. "Did you sleep at all?"
"A little," she confessed, "but I got up a little before dawn to watch the
sunrise." He rubbed his eyes.
"Why didn't you wake me up?" She grinned at him and tapped his chest lightly.
"I didn't have the heart. You were snoring." An indignant expression passed
across his features.
"I don't snore."
"Whatever you say, honey." She tweaked his nose. Her eyes brightened. "Speaking
of which, I'm in the mood for some toast with honey," she exclaimed before he
could say another word. Whatever had been on the tip of his tongue was
forgotten at the mention of food.
"Toast? I could go for a stack of pancakes a mile high right now. I'm
starving!" He leaned back against the cherry oak headboard with his hand
clasped behind his head as she dialed room service and made the order. He
watched as she cradled the phone against her shoulder to flip through the menu
and couldn't resist extending a hand to caress the smooth curve of her neck
that was exposed to him. She leaned into his hand as she hung up, and flung
the menu aside.
"I'm so glad we decided to elope," he commented as he pulled her into his arms.
She leaned back against his chest and clasped his hand in her own.
"Oh?" She craned her head back to look at him. He bent down to kiss her deeply
before continuing.
"I can't imagine having had to wait three more months to have this honeymoon."
She shifted against him, pulling his arms tighter around her.
"I know what you mean," she sighed, "but still, I feel bad about leaving
everyone else out of it."
"I don't think anybody was really in the mood for a wedding right now," Duo
replied. "Well, maybe Quatre. He probably would've wanted to pay for it or
something."
"Did you tell him about it?" Duo paused and leaned his head against hers. When
his silence seemed too extended she pulled back to look at him. "Duo?"
"He's got a lot on his mind right now. Heero's been staying at his house
since...well, for the past three months." His tone was soft and serious.
"Is he going to be ok?"
"I dunno. I hope so. Quatre's sister is supposed to be the best in the
business." He furrowed his brow.
"Quatre's lucky to have a psychiatrist in the family," she replied pensively.
"Yeah well, with 29 sisters one of 'em is bound to be useful." He grinned,
trying to lighten the mood. She could see through all his tricks now though,
and didn't take the bait in changing the subject.
"Did you want to go visit him?" He loosened his embrace around her and leaned
back.
"I don't know. Dorothy's there, keeping an eye on him. She says she owes it to
Relena to look out for him. I personally think she has a thing for Quatre."
He half-smiled at Hilde, who only looked back at him wordlessly, waiting for
him to continue. "I don't think he wants to see me."
"Duo, you know what happened at the hospital was just-"
"Yeah, I know he didn't mean it. But I can't see him. Not yet at least. Maybe
when he's better." She crawled out of his lap and reached for the phone again.
"Who are you calling?"
"Quatre. We should tell him about our wedding, and we can ask about Heero,
too."
"I dunno, Hil-" She shoved the phone in his ear.
"It's ringing," she whispered.
"Winner residence."
"Hey Quatre."
"Oh! Duo, it's been a while. How are you?"
"Oh, you know..." he hesitated. Hilde gestured impatiently for him to continue.
"I hear you've got a full house down there."
"Oh? Ohhh yes, actually, Trowa stopped by today to see Heero, but I'm afraid
he's...busy. So, Trowa has been spending the afternoon with Miss Dorothy."
Quatre didn't seem very pleased as he said this. Making fun would have been
too easy, so Duo let it pass. Instead he cleared his throat and asked the
question that had been on the tip of his tongue.
"So...how is...he?" Hilde rolled her eyes at him and flopped back on the bed. Duo
frowned at her and shrugged his shoulders, asking wordlessly what else she
wanted from him.
"He's much better," Duo could hear the smile in Quatre's voice.
"Better, huh? Back to normal?"
"No," he intoned, "better than normal. You should really come down and see him,
Duo." A knock at the door startled Duo, who had been deeply engrossed in the
conversation. He looked quizzically at Hilde, who gave him her own 'what's
wrong with you?' look, before whispering "room service" and going to answer the
door. "Yeah, maybe I will." He watched as Hilde pushed in a cart of heavenly
breakfast food. "Listen Quatre, room service is here, so I gotta go."
"Room service?" came Quatre's puzzled reply from the other end of the line.
"Yeah," Duo said, as if it should have been obvious. "Oh! Yeah, I'm at a
hotel," he added once he realized his mistake, "with Hilde. We're in a suite.
The honeymoon suite actually."
"Ok." Quatre still seemed slightly puzzled. "Oh honeymoon! Duo!
Congratulations! When did you-"
"Last night. We're on L2. We got hitched at the new Maxwell Church."
"Well that's great! Why didn't you tell me beforehand? What hotel are you
staying at? I know a lot of really nice spots on L2. Just let me make some
phone calls and I can get you a-"
"No, Quatre, that's okay, really. Me and Hil wanted to keep it simple. We're at
a nice place. It's classy, just more cozy than what you have in mind I think."
He looked around the room proudly as Hilde twirled a fork in his face. "OK.
Now I really have to go, Quat. Feel free to spread the news. I'll catch ya
later, bro."
"Goodbye, Duo. And kiss the bride for me."
"You bet I will," he grinned, before hanging up.
Quatre smiled softly to himself as he stood thoughtfully by the old-fashioned
mother-of-pearl rotary phone. Married. At least something good came out of
this mess. Heero would be pleased to hear about his friends' happiness, he was
sure. He'd have to tell him once his session was done.
************************
The woman who sat behind the desk facing Heero was almost pretty, he surmised.
She had blonde hair and blue eyes, and he wondered, if it were not for those
features that reminded him of Relena, whether he would still consider her so.
He supposed that her possessing enough of Quatre's open expression and Relena's
familiar features made it easier to talk to her. She watched him patiently
with her warm eyes.
"I think it's time to talk about what happened that day. Do you think you can?"
That day. The day she was shot. The day he went crazy. That day.
There were still parts that hurt when he thought about them, but it was easier
to remember now, to examine the emotions behind his actions.
Heero felt as if the air had turned into a viscous fluid, making his movements
seem slow and his mind feel clouded. His breaths were shallow and the voices
around him seemed muffled. He could decipher enough from his surroundings to
know he was in a hospital waiting room. The trip to get there was a blur; the
sirens of the ambulance sounded like echoes from afar and the lights had
blinked hazily, so he had not recognized them for what they were.
The fluorescent lights flickered dully above him, strengthening the illusion of
the thick gray liquid around him. His heart was pounding within him. Pounding.
Pounding. Pounding. When his head hit the wall behind him, he realized the
pounding was coming from Zechs' fists. The other occupants of the room finally
restrained the angry prince and Heero, his mind somewhat clearer than before,
noted the approach of a doctor. The doctor began to speak slowly and
deliberately, but Heero's attention wandered. He observed Dorothy clutching
Quatre's arm tightly, and wondered absently if the blond pilot could feel her
fingernails through his sleeve. His gaze finally wandered back to the surgeon
and he grasped at the string of words coming out of the doctor's mouth.
"...Lost a lot of blood. We haven't examined the extent of the organ damage as
of yet, but that will determine her chances for survival. We'll inform you as
soon as we have a better picture." He hesitated before continuing, his eyes
sweeping the room. "We also noticed some severe bruising on her upper arms and
neck. They look to be about two days old, maybe less." Everyone's attention
turned to Heero then. He could feel their eyes burning accusations into him. He
had to look away, his sight falling upon his bloodied hands, examining the way
the maroon liquid had seeped into every crack and crevice, trying to brand
itself there, so his guilt would be evident to everyone. 'This is what happens
when you get too close' the soldier in him whispered.
A hand clasped his shoulder and he recoiled violently, shoving a startled Duo
to the linoleum floor, where he slid until he hit the opposite wall. Duo looked
up at him, hurt evident in his wide violet eyes.
"Don't. Touch. Me." The words came out as a warning growl, betraying none of
the desperate fear in his thoughts. He would end up hurting everyone he was
close to. His mind warred with him. How could he protect them without getting
close? And he remembered Relena again. He had been so close then, right
outside the door. Still, he hadn't been able to save her. So close...and yet so
far. He snickered through the sobs he wasn't aware he'd been producing. His
haunting laughter echoed through the sterile hospital halls. He couldn't
remember when it finally stopped.
But it had. When he woke, he'd found himself strapped to a bed, looking up at
this woman who reminded him so much of Relena, it pained him to look at her.
He had felt enormous guilt, which now that he thought about it, was completely
illogical. He had not pulled the trigger that day. What he felt presently was
regret. Regret that he had not acted more quickly. Regret that he had not said
everything he wanted to say. But what would he have said?
"She told me she loved me."
"How did that make you feel?"
"I don't know. Confused. Did I love her, too? Was that the reason I felt so
out of control around her? If I loved her then, does that mean I still love
her?"
"Do you?"
"I don't know. I still haven't figured out what love is. I was attracted to
her. I tried to kiss her. That's not the same, is it?"
"Not necessarily. Love is a very complex emotion. Nobody really has a
definition for it." No definition? Did such a thing exist? An idea that could
not be put into words. And that was exactly what his feelings regarding Relena
were: indefinable. Still, his mind needed to make some sense out of them,
needed to categorize them so he could judge them properly.
"What do you think it is? In your opinion, what is love?" She looked at him
with Quatre's eyes; hesitant, yet compassionate.
"Love is different for everyone," she began, then paused and thought better of
it. She leaned forward over her desk, elbows resting firmly on the surface of
it. "In my opinion, above all other attributes of love are mutual respect and
understanding. The ability to know how another person feels without needing to
talk and knowing what they need without their having to ask." She tilted her
head to regard his reaction. He looked back at her pensively, trying to
determine whether his feelings fit under these criteria. He did respect
Relena, and he understood all her reasons for the things she did, but did he
know what she needed? He didn't even know she loved him until she actually told
him. Then again, maybe he did know, but was unwilling to admit that someone
could feel something like that for him, that she could feel something like that
for him.
"Heero?" The doctor's voice interrupted his musings. "This is our last session
and our time is almost up. Is there anything else you want to discuss?" His
thoughts left Relena and now turned back to himself. Was that it? Three months
of therapy had brought him to this moment. Was he content with himself yet?
Could he make it on his own in the real world, with real people? He hadn't felt
so uncertain about anything in his life, and he realized this was his answer.
He finally felt human, normal. He looked into her calm blue eyes with a gaze
free of any obstruction, light and clear.
"I-no, there's nothing I need to say. Except," he paused, weighing his words.
"Thank you, Nora." He stood up and she mirrored his action, smiling softly. He
turned to leave but hesitated, looking back at her before finally stepping up
to her desk and extending his hand. Her smile broadened as she shook it warmly.
"Good luck, Heero. I hope you find happiness."
*************
Hesitation was paralyzing, Quatre decided as he watched Trowa and Dorothy
conversing quietly on the other end of the veranda. Should he go and join
them? It looked like they were deep in conversation... a little too deep perhaps?
And here lay his dilemma. Were his reasons for interrupting them rooted in
jealousy? It would be wrong of him to go over if that were his motivation. But
then, he had no one else to talk to, and they were his guests, so it would be
perfectly understandable. His golden brows furrowed; he was really
over-thinking this. So what if his feelings went a little further than
friendship for-but that wasn't the point. He should just go over and keep some
pleasant company. As he moved to go to them, a voice startled him.
"That's something I didn't expect." Quatre turned to see Heero standing behind
him. Quatre gave him an innocent look.
"What?"
"I mean Trowa and Dorothy Catalonia. I thought she hated him." Quatre smiled
slightly, before replying.
"The war is over, Dorothy has changed quite a bit. I think she's realized how
much they have in common." Heero digested this statement thoughtfully.
"Do people need to have a lot in common to love each other?" Quatre looked back
sharply.
"Love?"
"Yeah. Can two people who are very different really love each other?" Quatre
scanned Heero's face pensively, trying to understand the underlying question in
his words. He was feeling rather defensive all of a sudden.
"I think real love doesn't have to rely on similarity of temperament. Two
people in love compensate for each other until they're two people making up one
complete whole." His gaze turned to the couple standing but a few feet away.
"Your strengths are found in their weaknesses and their strengths in your
weaknesses. You're so intertwined that sometimes it's hard to tell whose
traits are whose, where you end and they begin. It's always give and take." He
trailed off softly. He looked up shaking himself out of his wandering thoughts.
"Sorry, Heero, I just sort of started rambling. What brought that question on
anyway?" Heero looked him in the eye, dark blue uncertainty meeting Quatre's
ocean blue concern, but his reply was interrupted by the sound of a car engine
rumbling into the long drive surrounding the grounds. "Oh! They're here."
Heero stood frozen at his spot on the veranda, watching the limo pull to a
stop. A soft breeze ruffled his hair and sunlight filtered in and out of the
drifting clouds, intermittently illuminating and shadowing his motionless
figure. The sound of braking tires caught the attention of the other two
guests and they looked up, turning to walk toward the vehicle. The large door
opened revealing the boot-clad foot of one Chang Wufei, dressed impeccably in
his Preventer uniform. The driver's door opened as well, and Sally Po stepped
out from behind it. She waved as Quatre, Dorothy and Trowa approached.
As expectantly as Wufei held the passenger door open, so did Heero hold his
breath. He couldn't move, not until he saw the pale leg he'd once removed a
knee-high boot from extend out to the ground. Those graceful feet were now
encased in delicate white sandals, the knees covered with the soft ruffle of a
pale blue skirt. A slender hand reached out to Wufei's browned one, and as a
golden head rose out of the vehicle, Heero felt his chest collapse with his
released breath.
She was here.
And she was blinding.
His feet moved of their own accord, Heero's only conscious thoughts directed at
the sight she made, healthy, beautiful...alive. She smiled at Quatre and Heero's
heart skipped a beat. She finally looked around and spotted him striding
purposefully toward her. Her own body moved to meet him, eyes twinkling,
cheeks blossoming with warmth.
"Hello Heero," she said softly, trying to keep the smile on her face from
extending too far. "How are you?"
"I'm...fine," Heero stumbled over the words, his mouth suddenly dry and his mind
blank of all the things he'd wanted to tell her, to ask her. Her delicate
fingers weaved through his and he tensed at the sensation. This was real. She
was real. His fingers grasped hers back firmly as she led them down the drive,
away from the others.
"I'm sorry I couldn't come see you earlier. My wound is finally healed, still
a little tight but that doesn't stop people from expecting me to get things
done." Her free hand went to touch her side, and Heero had to stop his own hand
from following. "It's so frustrating how I have to worry about everyone else in
the world before I can worry about those I...care about. I've just been to see
Milliardo and Lucrezia and their new baby. They had a girl, you know, who I'm
sure Millie is going to spoil to bits." She smiled broadly, taking his other
hand and turning to face him. "You look so different," she sighed softly,
tracing his features with her aqua eyes. "And you didn't answer my question.
How are you?"
At this, the warmth in her eyes, the concern in her features, the closeness of
her body, he spoke.
"Fine," he repeated, "better. You're right. I am different. I feel
different." He paused, "I'm in love." She started noticeably at this, looking
into his eyes, scanning for something more.
"Who?" she whispered, so softly it was more a gust of air through her pursed
lips than a spoken word. He cocked his head, trying to gauge her expression.
"She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Not just physically, but
inherently. Some times I feel like I know her so well, and other times like
I've only discovered one layer of the mystery that she is. I can't breathe
sometimes when I think of her. I never knew what it meant, to have these
thoughts about someone, but I understand now." He stared down into her eyes,
his own burning as blue as a newly born star. "I love her."
Relena's hands were trembling inside his own, her expression unreadable.
"Does she love you back?" Her voice wavered, straining against something. His
gaze still locked on hers he replied.
"Yes. I think so." She threw her arms around his waist, her face muffled
against his chest.
"I'm so happy for you, Heero. I'm so glad you're finally happy." Heero's gaze
dropped to the crown of her honey hair, as she turned it to the side, still
pressed against his chest. "Am I going to meet her?" Heero pulled her up to
look at her in surprise.
"Meet who?"
"Quatre's sister. She's the one right? Everyone tells me how wonderful she
is." Her nose was slightly red and her eyes suspiciously bright through her
polite smile.
"Relena," he stared at her incredulously, "what are you talking about?" Her
smile faltered.
"You don't want me to meet her." Heero's head spun with the ridiculousness of
it all. Maybe he wasn't clear. He'd never been good at communicating his
emotions, and even though he'd learned so much these past few months he was
uncertain that it was enough. If words couldn't do it, he'd have to find
another way. He grasped her shoulder with one hand, bringing the other to her
jaw line as he leaned down and kissed her firmly on the mouth. She seemed
surprised at first but she finally caught on, breaking away to look at him.
"I-but-you..." It seemed as though Relena wasn't any better with words than he
was, but she giggled and embraced him again, her face buried in the crook of
his shoulder as the tears that had brightened her eyes just moments before came
tumbling down in relief. When she pulled away this time he was smiling.
"You have beautiful teeth, Heero. I've never seen you smile that way before,"
her voice filled with happy wonder.
"I was saving it for you," he replied, his smile softening. "I've been saving
this, too."
And he kissed her again.
This was love...bringer of happiness and sorrow, and fear and courage, life and
death. Infinite and changeable like the universe itself: no form, no void, no
category, no shelf or label. It was to be and they were in some way, in every
way, to be of it.
THE END
(last paragraph written by coley merrin in an essay on love)
on a side note... isn't it kinda sad that my answers to the drabble challenge got more reviews than the last chap of this fic...?
