(D2 Entry) Loving Heero
Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2003 4:29 pm
<b>Title:</b> Loving Heero
<b>Pen name:</b> raine_yuy
<b>Email:</b> jayzelle_23@hotmail.com
<b>Categories:</b> Best Angst/Best Drama/Best Romance/ Multi-Part/Series
<b>Warnings:</b> Rating PG
<b>Loving Heero: Part One</b>
I was one of those women who believed in fairytales and happily ever-afters. Women who had too many emotions to spare and read too many romantic novels. And so I was one of those who felt too much and fell too hard. I?ve been in love so many times that the sensation was too unnaturally familiar. But for once in my life, I felt a wholly unique emotion for one man. I couldn?t tell if it was love for love always gave me a happy feeling. A sense of being in heaven even if it hurt in the end. But with this one man, being in love was to be in constant pain. Every touch and look was accompanied by sorrow. And so I learned the lesson of loving Heero Yuy. The experience of loving hell.
I had only a week to love him but I loved him at first sight. Who could resist those fathomless dark eyes? But of all those seven days of self-inflicted tortures, I remember the one night that will forever be sketched in my heart. It was the night that I discovered his demon. The one demon that had slipped into the dark and soft places of his only surviving part of the heart. The place that was forbidden. The demon was in the form of a woman that went by the name Relena Peacecraft.
I was lying in my own bed that night, pretending sleep while he stood staring at the sea of lights below from my luxurious apartment window. I was surprised that he was still there when I expected him to be gone long ago. Heero never stayed for the night. I also suspected that he never slept in anyone else?s bed other than his own. Perhaps he saw this as a sign of bondage. Too meaningful, too personal. I searched for the bed cover quietly, taking care not to make any movement that would alert him to my form of wakening. I found the edge of the cover and pulled it over my naked form, shivering. The night was unnaturally cold for a summer night. Suddenly, Heero turned and faced the bed, his gaze unerringly straight on my face. I hurriedly closed my eyes, praying that I didn?t betray my own act of lie. Unable to help myself however, I slowly and almost childishly slit one eye open to take a peek at his shadowed face. He headed straight for the bed and I closed my eyes again. I heard the soft footsteps that carried him closer, felt the heat of his presence. Then I felt a soft touch on my cheek. Unreasonable panic forced my eyes open. I didn?t care for he tiring game anymore when I knew that he was saying goodbye. Not just for the night, but forever. I sat up as he turned to look at me. He knew I?ve been awake the whole time. Just looking at his incredibly handsome face, I couldn?t help the words that rushed in my head and forced itself out of my mouth. I hated the panic that accompanied the words.
"You?re going?" It was half statement, half question.
He picked up his folded shirt from a chair and put it on. My question remained unanswered.
"You are going, aren?t you?" I persisted. I have never met any man who said goodbye this way. With empty silence and even emptier eyes. His silence confused then angered me. "What, you can?t even talk anymore? Tell me. Is this a habit of yours? Dammit, how can you just walk away without so much as a goodbye?" To my horror, the anger in my voice was also laced with deep pain. And with the discovery of pain came the discovery of love. It wasn?t unusual for me to fall in love within only a week but it was certainly unusual to find the realisation accompanied by tears. This sudden decision of his to part left me reeling as if from a fatal blow. I didn?t know what to feel but well aware of what I was feeling at the moment. I hurt beyond measure. I loved him more deeply than I have ever loved anyone. This soldier with the strange hollow eyes. Hollow because I had never once seen any genuine emotion cross his all too passive face. But perhaps because of the already warring emotions that were bouncing off the walls of my bedroom, Heero?s face suddenly darkened in anger. I felt both a rush of triumph and a rush of fear at the flint of emotion I had unconsciously revealed.
"I didn?t promise you anything." His voice remained calm despite his anger.
No, you never did and you never would. Would you? "I feel sorry for those who?s foolish enough to love you." The hurtful words came from the part of me that was hurting and wanted to hurt back.
Heero only smiled coldly. "Me too."
I wondered at his coldness. Wondered at the broken part of him and who or what had caused it.
"Why Heero?"
He frowned in confusion at the question.
"Why do you hurt so badly that you set out to hurt others?"
I got the desired effect I wanted from the question. Heero?s eyes widened in surprise at my perception, then darkened to reveal such raw pain. He masked it quickly but not quickly enough. I had a glimpse of painful memories from his past.
"Who was she?"
"Leave it alone." His tone was whip-like and cutting.
I couldn?t leave it alone. I couldn?t let him walk out without a reason. "How did she hurt you? Did she leave you the way you were about to leave me? Was that suppose to be some kind of poetic justice?"
He started for the door. I jumped out of the bed with the cover grasped against my body and went after him. I slammed myself against the door as he moved to open it. He gave me a threatening look that would have worked if I weren?t willing to hurt him as well.
"Answer me. How badly did she hurt you?"
The silence stretched before he answered in a taut voice. "She didn?t hurt me. I hurt her."
I wasn?t prepared for that answer. "What do you mean?"
"Just like I said." He paused, levelled his eyes with mine and almost drowned me in its depths. "She didn?t know how to hurt anyone. Not even me who insisted in hurting her every way I can."
I was still hopelessly lost. "Why?" It was the only question I could ask.
"Why did I hurt her?" The blue depths of his eyes took on a haunting look. "Because I didn?t know what else to do."
I found the light in the blinding darkness.
"You loved her." This I knew for nobody can cause so much pain without the complication of love. This I also knew because he was causing me the same pain. "You loved her and it terrified you. She loved you too didn?t she?"
Heero?s eyes retained its cool look, all emotions wiped out and no traces left behind. This time, the threat in his eyes and body were real as he moved to haul me out of the way. I stepped aside, relenting. I had gotten all my answers except for one.
"Who was she?"
Heero paused by the door and looked over his shoulder at the pathetic picture I made in the middle of the empty room. I still clutched the sheet against my body and I realised that I was trembling. It wasn?t the coldness in the room. It was the coldness inside me that refused to warm itself up. I hated the vulnerability I presented.
"Relena. Relena Peacecraft." It sounded like a curse as he whispered it almost violently.
That was the measure of his feelings for her. A loving so great that it bordered on violence. I hated her. I hated Relena Peacecraft. My thoughts calmed and became more honest. I felt an over-whelming sympathy for the woman Heero Yuy loved. What would it be like to love someone who refused to love back? It would be a worse hell than the one I was living in now. I was so lost in thought that when I looked up again, Heero Yuy was gone. No trace of him was left behind. No scent, no object, not even heat. The room was so cold. It was as if Heero Yuy had never been. I stared dumbly at the closed door. Gone. One moment I realised myself in love then the next minute realised that I just lost someone. The pain was slow to insert itself back into my system but when it came, it was almost unbearable.
We all have our weaknesses, our Achilles' heels, our demons. Mine was love. For some it may be the same. I felt too much and fell too hard. The inevitable landing crushed my bones and vital parts. I loved Heero Yuy and paid the price. I failed to crucifice his demon just as I failed to crucifice mine. I still believe in love. And Heero? He will always love Relena Peacecraft and so will continue hurting her and others to pay for what he sees as a weakness in himself. I wanted to find him and tell him what he clearly couldn?t see. That by hurting Relena, he was breaking himself slowly and inevitably. I wanted to find Relena and tell her not to give up. But I had to let it be. Heero was a thing of the past. Someone I mourned for now and then. I would just break down sometimes and start weeping because the memories would come flooding back. The pain never really diminished. That was the lesson I learned. Loving and losing Heero Yuy was one and the same. You remain in constant pain. It was hell loving him.
<b>Loving Relena: Part Two</b>
It was past midnight. The exclusive neighbourhood was quiet, undisturbed with the exception of quiet footsteps marching back and forth in front of an elegant building. My footsteps. I stopped and glared at the 5th floor window with a dim light on and called myself a fool. A bastard. A mental case. I fought inwardly with my conscience. It wasn't right. I should just leave her alone. Let her move on with her life. But there was an ache in me so powerful that it was impossible to ignore. A desire so deep that it drove all else out of my mind. All the reasoning and all the good intentions. Only one thought drove air after air into my lungs and gave me life. The thought of having her. Bypassing security was a walk through the park for me, performing it in record time. Then I was standing in front of her door. My face put on the cold facade but my heartbeat was warm. I craved. God, how I craved. And only one woman would ever do. My hand rose to knock on the closed door.
I had watched her a thousand times on television. I always thought her beautiful. But I realised I never knew beautiful until with a few disgruntled mumbling about people who wouldn't leave her alone, Relena opened the door with a frown on her forehead and an unasked question frozen on her lips. Her hair flowed around her like silken waterfall. Her simple flannel pyjamas gave her the appearance of a mere child. But a mere child she was not. Her face was fresh and clean without make up, taking away the image shown in public and revealing the hidden woman underneath. Exhausted, stubborn, and strong despite the slim figure that fooled the world and gave the impression of vulnerability. The image overwhelmed my senses. No matter how many times I came back to her, she was still able to amaze me time after time. She was to me, an addiction that can result in only a tragic ending. An addiction I desperately needed help for. But I always did like to work on my problems alone.
"Heero...wha...?" She never finished her sentence as I forced her back into her apartment and shut the door.
"What the hell were you thinking opening the door without bothering to see who it was?" Her safety always did make me go a little crazy when in it was in jeopardy. But damn, the woman asked for trouble like little children asked for toys.
"I...well...I..." Again, she wasn't given a chance to finish what would have been a pathetic excuse for a reason.
Her mouth was so invitingly soft. So warm and welcoming. I was home again. Home to a place I kept trying to get away from. She tasted of rain and cherries and coffee. Jesus help me, I could have stood there in the middle of her living room all night just kissing her. Having her sweet taste swallow me whole and numb my senses. We separated long enough to breathe.
"Heero...what is it? Why are you here?" Her breath came in soft gasps.
I needed her. I needed her so badly my hands trembled with it. "Because I want to be here."
Something flashed for a second in her deep shadowed eyes. Brilliant sapphire that had seen so much more than any eyes should have witnessed. It was an emotion I had seen many times whenever she opened the door to let me in. Something beyond love. Acceptance. Resignation. Complete surrender to whatever I demanded. And it always had the same effect on me. My throat closed for a moment. Unconditional devotion. Selfless act of love. I never asked for them. I never expected them. But I took them nonetheless. With my usual selfishness and greed.
<i>"I feel sorry for those who love you"</i>
I winced at the memory's intrusion. Me too.
She came to me without hesitation and wrapped her arms around me, bringing my head down to meet her eager mouth. Welcoming mouth that had sustained me through tortured nights. In return, I wrapped my arms around her waist and brought her fully against my craving body. I needed to feel her close to me. Sometimes, I wish I had the ability to freeze her inside me so that I never had to breath without her. But they were foolish thoughts because I knew I could never stay. Fevered thoughts brought on by passion. Without ever releasing hold, I led her down the hallway and into her bedroom. I had no time for finesse. I never really did. But she accepted that and met me heat to heat. It was always like that. Rushed, savaged, desperate and mind blowing rage. But it was never violent. There were never any bruises. When I took her that night again, it was predictable. As soon as I laid her down on the bed, I didn't bother to strip us of all articles of clothing. I pulled her pyjama and my jeans down and entered her with my blood reaching the volcanic point. I never worried about hurting her. I never worried about taking it slow. She liked it the way I did. Spent, I rested my head against her shoulder blade and forced myself to live. I had reached heaven and loathed the thought of falling back down to earth. I closed my eyes to slow my blood. I raised my head and looked down into her face. Something I had never done before. She studied me with steady eyes. Different eyes. They were forgiving and gentle. And butterfly wings brushed over my heart to bind them. I fought emotions. I fought guilt. But I couldn't fight the desire to take away the look of weary acceptance in her eyes. Selfishly, I wanted to see different emotions this time. Selfishly, I wanted to make her happy just to prove that I was able to. Savage became calm. Rush became a slow music that melted the bones. Desperate became soft kisses and gentle caresses. And rage became soft moans of pleasure that spoke only of tenderness. And I discovered that I delighted in giving as much as receiving. In fact, I took more pleasure from it. The soft contented sighs she made pulled at my soul and more butterfly wings like feather lace converged around my heart. Tightening. I entered her with deliberate care. It was different. So drastically, horrifyingly different. It took me beyond any height I had ever reached before. Beyond heaven and beyond hell. Happily exhausted, I gathered her into my arms as I lay down on my back. This time, I didn't fight the urge to just close my eyes and never open them. It was then that I realised I could have died with peace inside my heart for just another moment with her. As the dark world pulled me further into the land of dreams, my skin never felt the wet sensation of falling teardrops. Nor did my ears hear the softly spoken words laced bittersweet pain. "I love you..."
As soon as my eyes opened and my head cleared, I turned to look down at the woman sleeping fitfully beside me. I swallowed the urge to kiss her mouth and slowly disentangled myself from the bed covers. I gathered my discarded clothes and distractedly put them on. I brushed impatient fingers through my unruly hair and walked to the window to look down at the still darkened street of her neighbourhood. I sensed movements behind me and pretended I didn't hear.
<i>"Answer me. How badly did she hurt you?"</i>
It was such a foolish question. One that had shot through my soul and buried deep to draw blood. Relena Dorlian lived to take care of others. To make sure that people were safe and unharmed.
<i>"She didn't know how to hurt anyone. Not even me who insisted in hurting her every way I can."</i>
I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat. Why the hell was I doing this? I had wanted to keep her safe. To not let any harm come to her. And I would do nothing but cause her harm. Danger followed me everywhere. Ghosts of my past. Ghosts of my future. She deserved so much more. She deserved the best and I knew it would never be me. She deserved someone who was able to express even the barest of emotions. Who knew what she needed and is able to give it to her. Who did not have blood and murders branded on every particle of his skin. I could not even face the mirror without questioning whose eyes were on my face, staring back coldly at the reflection. All I could see were the eyes of those whose lives I had righteously taken. As if I were god and I had the right. And Relena...she would come to hate me. To break through the wall that prevented anyone from seeing the real man behind the image of perfection. She would stare at the man with the tainted blood and weapons and will hate me.
<i>"You loved her. You loved her and it terrified you."</i>
I was more than terrified. My heart slammed with real force against the protective skin of my chest and kept hammering. If I didn't leave her soon, I would never have the strength to leave her at all.
"You're going." Half statement, half question.
I flinched but still kept my back turned.
"Don't come back."
I closed my eyes and forced air into my lungs. In my world, the sun exploded and can no longer provide light. The moon was swallowed by the darkness and will no longer rise. The stars had all fallen and the sky was to be forever deprived of them. They lay at my feet like broken diamonds. Like shattered emotions. I arranged my features to its familiar coldness and turned to face her. There was no vulnerability. No forgiveness. No emotions. I walked over to the bed and raised my hand to touch a soft cheek. She turned away from the touch. I hid the left hand that trembled at the pain the rejection had caused. She was lost to me.
"Goodbye Heero..."
I walked through the door and closed it behind me without looking back. I leaned against it for just three seconds then continued out the building. I wondered how the world could keep on turning when the woman I ever loved had denied herself to me. I heard that it was hell loving someone. Loving Relena and denying it to the very end...now that was hell. I should know...
<b>Love Fool: Part Three </b>
They said i laughed too much. Smiled too often. Cracked too many jokes that only i was ever able to laugh at. They said that i never took things seriously enough. They said a lot of things that were true. On the surface anyway. I bet my precious braid and my hide that those same people would never believe just how seriously i take some things. The important things that actually mean so much to me more than my life. They would have never believed that the smile i often flashed now wobbled at the sight of her drawn features. Mouth that beckoned for a quick kiss trembled slightly although she tried to still them. She sat reading a newspaper in one hand and holding a coffee cup in the other. I walked over to the cupboards and took out a mug for myself. After filling it with fresh coffee, i went to sit across from her, trying my best to sound jovial.
"Princess. Isn't it your day off?" Princess. She looked like one. Moved like one. With that unconcious grace and proud head.
"Hmmm..." she never took her eyes away from the newspaper, her gaze scanning for something. "Yes...yes it is."
"Are you planning on doing anything?" she wore a pale blue sundress, the hem rested just below her kness. Enough to tantalise. And boy, i was beyond that. "Where would you like to go? Just name the place and we'll be there." Just name the price and i'll pay. My soul Princess? My heart? My life? How much for the chance just to have the right to hold you?
Reluctantly, she placed the newspaper to the side and met my questioning eyes. Sapphire orbs that changed colors with the wind. Blue for deep passion and green for hidden shadows. At the moment, they were the color of grass dancing with the wind. Fragile and restless.
"I want to go see the birds Duo. I wanna sit underneath the shade of trees and eat icecream. I wanna pick flowers and lie on the grass like i'm nobody. And eat Duo. God, i wanna eat," she smiled slightly at the sound of greed in her own voice. "I feel like i've been starving for years. Missed a million meals."
I loved it when she opened like a full bloomed flower late in spring. It was always such a wonderful surprise and a beautiful revelation to have her thoughts actually be translated into words. And the tightening in my stomach eased as my smile returned full force.
"Then a picnic it is, your highness," excited at the prospect of enjoying a whole day with her, i jumped up and called for Paygan. "I'll have him pack us a picnic basket full of surprises, how about that?"
Her eyes showed her delight and it was enough to make me feel like i can own the world. Although someone else already did. Whoever said that life was fair?
I brought her paradise. An untouched park that was hidden from the public and untouched by the fastpaced industrialised city. It was a piece of heaven on earth. And the soft glow that the first view of the place brought to her eyes made me melt right down to my bones. She was so rarely surprised by anything. I wondered if the man who held her beaten heart had ever done anything to make her happy. But the answer i myself found was depressing. Of course he had done something to make her happy. All the stupid fool had to do was breathe. The fact that he was alive made her happy. That was all it took. And no matter how much i listed all the wrongs Heero Yuy had done to Relena, i was never able to bring myself to trully hate him. In fact, i loved him as a brother and a friend. War either made eternal brothers of soldiers or eternal enemies. We fought for the same reasons Heero and I. To protect a life more precious than ours. And that very object of our rare affections sat underneath the protective shade of tree with food surrounding her like an offering to a goddess. And i sat beside her munching on an apple and just watching. She had a smile on her lips. A smile so innocent and pure that it held my gaze until she looked up to find me in the same position that i have been for the past few minutes.
"Duo...are you ok?" her tone held light amusement and laughter. I smiled back like a moron. She reached into a bag she had brought along with her and took out a book. "Finally..."
I watched as she leaned her back against the tree and opened the page where her marker was placed. I smiled a secret smile and decided to take a little nap and let her enjoy the peace. I laid myself on the blanket to her right and closed my eyes. This day was going to be tattoed inside my mind forever. Long after my hair turns to gray and all my teeth falls out. Long after she no longer needs the protection i offer her. I never dwell on those thoughts for long. I sighed and let my mind be lulled to sleep by the wind and her silent breathing. It was enough that she was by my side.
I must have dozed off for an hour or so. I yawned loudly and stretched my back to work out the stiff muscles. My dream world was so predictable. Sapphire eyes and long legs. Smooth skin and soft sighs. And the words,"i love you" uttered by those warm lips. I sat up and looked to my right where Relena was. She had dropped her book as she had fallen asleep. Beauty held me spellbound for the longest time. She still leaned back against the trunk of the tree, her hands gathered around her lap and her mouth slightly opened as she let out soft sighs. It was almost as good as my dreams. Except that Relena was definitely awake when she made those sighs. I laughed in amusement at myself. I was so ridiculously in love with the girl. I grabbed a smaller blanket and draped it around her quietly, making sure not to disturb her. I wondered how long it has been since she slept without crying herself into exhaustion first. I guarded her door almost everynight. Her sobs had torn me apart more than once. I wondered if my heart had as many bruises as hers did.
Moving back to study her, i noticed that her peaceful features had turned restless. Her brows furrowed and her mouth moved to utter soft words although only sighs were able to come out. I frowned in return, wondering what was so disturbing in her dreams. Unable to help myself, i reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. And having felt her soft skin, i was tempted to discover more. Who cares that it was never me she wanted but Heero? Who cares that i would never have the right to touch her now if she were awake? Who cares that only in my dreams did she love me? with excrutiating tenderness, i touched one soft cheek with the back of my hand. She leaned into it. Unconciously, she turned her head to lay her mouth against the palm of my hand. I smiled and loved her even more. I positioned myself beside her and gathered her in my arms. Repressed tears gathered at the back of my eyes and stung. How could any man let go after holding heaven in his arms? Well, Heero always did have suicidal tendencies. she molded herself against me and relaxed. It was now or never. She wouldn't hear me anyway. Therefore i would have to pay no price just for borrowing a stolen moment. It would be enough to sustain me for a lifetime. Just this memory. And the smell of her on my skin. I let out a long breath and closed my eyes.
"I love you, Princess."
She stirred. And then lovingly called out, "Heero..."
I bravely swallowed the pain whole and almost choked on my tears. Nobody ever said that life was fair. So what if i would have done anything to be with her? So what if i would have gone through hell just for the chance to call her mine? So what if i knew that if i was the one, i would never leave her? None of it mattered. He held her heart long before i entered into the scene. Still, i gathered her closer to me and rested my head at the top of hers. It was enough that she was here. Stolen moments would have to do for me.
I'm a fool in love with a fool who is still in love with the biggest fool out of all of us. God, life just couldn't get any better than that.
They said i laughed too much. I wonder how they would react to seeing the tears that i felt ran a path down my cheeks.
My cellphone vibrated against my pocket and i reached for it. "Hello?"
"Duo! Thank god. Is Relena with you?" Quatre's soft voice was edged with panic.
"Yeah...what's going on? Is everything ok?" I felt the hair stood at the back of my neck long before Quatre uttered the words.
"Heero's at the hospital Duo. Tell Ms. Relena and meet us there,"then he added in a softer tone, "And Duo, prepare yourself for the worse. Prepare her."
Then the line was disconnected. I stared down at the woman lying so safe and warm in my arms. I had my moment with her. It would have to last me my whole lifetime.
I didn't know then that my lifetime was about to take a drastic turn. There were sacrifices to be made. And i had a role to play. All of it for love.
<b>Love At Last: Final Chapter</b>
I suppose i should have been more hysterical. I suppose i should have fired off a dozen incomprehensible questions and demanded answers to them that would have made the person closest to me shake me with real force to snap me out of my hysteria. But i did none of those. Perhaps it was out of the deep rooted control passed on to me by generations of royal blood and outstanding upbringing. Perhaps it was out of pride of not being seen as someone who could break so easily when faced with such situations. But nonetheless, when Duo Maxwell announced as soon as i opened my eyes that Heero Yuy was in a critical condition in a hospital, i showed no outward emotions. Only a simple blink that could have meant anything. Or nothing at all. Funny. So funny that i had mastered the art of pretending.
The tapping of our shoes resounded throughout the deathly quiet hallways of the pristine hospital. I wondered and wondered but refused to voice what was on my mind. I refused to give in to the screams my heart demanded to let out. We approached the private waiting area where the rest of the gundam pilots were already huddled in their silent solitudes. I entered and felt amongst them. An equal to the desolation they all marked as their personal territories. They showed no outward reactions. Only the gentle blonde Arabic whose smile wobbled slightly as he stood to greet me. I only nodded politely. There was a brittleness inside my throat that choked my words. I wondered if anyone noticed.
<i>25 minutes later:</i>
The white drabbed doctor pushed open the swinging door of the operating room and headed wearily to our silent waiting group. Noin, Zechs, Une, Hilde and Sally had arrived just a few minutes ago. It was only then that i heard the whole story. Only when Noin asked what had happened. My nerves were stretched to the point of breaking by then. But it was said that i had the tendency to be absolutely bullheaded. Quatre was the one to provide the information.
It was a simple robbery gone wrong. Disbeliefs were written all over features that were new to the information given. A robbery? A robbery had gotten Heero Yuy critically injured? My brother was the first to voice his incredibility.
"A robbery? But he's survived a whole damn war. He's gone against mobile suits without other soldiers to protect his back and now you're saying that because of some fool who decided to make easy money by robbing a store got him?"
"Everyone's entitled to their own weakness," Wulfei muttered in a low tone. His eyes took on a mocking glint. "Heero's no different than everybody else."
"Sure he is. The guy is damn invincible," Hilde replied. "there is no weakness in him."
I felt Duo's eyes on me and swallowed the denial that worked its way up my throat. My eyes met his and for a few brief seconds, a war of silent words issued between us. His tried to force me to believe. And in return, i tried to force him to stop believing. Neither of us knew who won. The doctor had chosen then to break the tension.
He stood before me perhaps because he assumed i was the one to be informed.
"Miss Dorlian," he held his hand out to shake mine and i politely obliged. "I am Dr. Jonathan McCaine. Let's get to the point shall we? Mr. Yuy was shot three times. One bullet went through his shoulder blade. One went through his right thigh. And the last one, which almost caused him his life was the one that got lodged at his left side where it damaged some vital parts and caused him to lose a lot of his blood. We did everything possible and was able to dig the bullet out without causing more harm. However, the blood the he lost will take some time to be replaced although we have already found matching blood types. It does depend on how well his body accepts it that will be the deciding factor. He is concious but very weak. The boy has some amazing fighting power. We've never seen anything like it. He is being placed in his own private bed right now and although i do not suggest it, i suppose you all can go see him now as long as you don't overwhelm him. He's not out of the woods yet."
Long sighs of relieves were released but i held on to mine. I nodded to the doctor and and followed as everyone headed for Heero's private room. The doctor's next words halted my progress in mid-stride.
"That young man almost gave in a few times and was very close to giving up the fight," he smiled admiringly. "but it seems that he had something very important to hold on to Ms. Dorlian. Something that made him think twice about leaving it behind."
I fought the urge to deny myself. To deny the words. To deny the fire that lit with the first flames of reviving hope. I have been devastated by that hope more than once. I refused to be broken a final time. And so i denied myself the chance to believe.
"Thank you for your service Dr. McCaine," my voice i knew was dripping with ice but it was not to be helped. "we're grateful for it."
I turned away and continued down the hall to Heero's room.
My first glimpse of him made my throat ache to shed the tears that almost blinded me to anything else but him. I wondered that if i ran to him and hugged him to me without the intention of ever letting go, would i actually kill him? But god, at that very moment, i couldn't have been more sure of just how much i would have been willing to give him. The world if he asked it. My whole lifetime. He could have asked me to wait for him forever and i would have gladly said yes. Without him, i could have watched the world be swallowed by flames and i would cheer for the end. There would be no Relena Dorlian without Heero Yuy. I understood that it was always meant to be. Long before i even knew who he was.
My steps were reluctant and careful, as if afraid the floor would open up and i would fall into open space. His eyes were tired but open, locked intensely with mine. A blanket was draped over his form. I touched the edge of it as i reached his bed. I ached so badly for him to hold me. To reassure me that he was warm and alive although i knew he could barely move himself. But instead of giving me what my eyes begged for, he turned away and looked out the window.
It hurt beyond belief. Hurt to the point of physical pain. I turned and walked out the door without meeting the sympathetic eyes. I wanted to be swallowed whole by the fire. To be engulfed in flames and disappear forever. To become lifeless ashes blown away by the wind and carried off to nothingness. I wondered why i was so hard to love.
<i>The day after:</i>
I came back the next day with the constant armor of numbness . My only companion besides Duo who sat beside me in comforting silence. He had always been there for me. Through all the days and nights of either rare laughters or unexplained weepings. He had sat beside me in silence and his presence alone reassured me that i was never really isolated in my happiness or sorrow. A small smile of bitter sadness pulled at the corner of my mouth unexpectedly. He was such a fool to love me. And i was such a fool not to love him. But some things were never meant to be.
A figure clad in a police uniform approached us, holding a small box.
"Ms. Dorlian," the uniform handed me the box. "these are some things that belongs to Mr. Yuy collected from the jewelry store where the robbery took place. We took it for safekeeping. I'm just here to return it ma'am and to wish Mr. Yuy a good recovery. He was quite the hero."
The uniform saluted and walked away just as abruptly as he had arrived. I was brimming with questions. I turned to Duo and saw the same curiosity in his eyes.
"A jewelry store? What the hell was he doing in a jewelry store?" He voiced the question i wanted to ask. "I thought it was some other store. Like a store that sells weapons."
Curiosity got the best of me as i opened the box and rifled through the contents. His wallet. His keys. His gun. His jacket. His...small velvet jewelry box? Trembling fingers opened the lid my eyes widened with shock.
The door slammed against the wall as i slammed open with unrestrained force. He looked so damn peaceful and innocent in his sleep. I stood above him and glared down. I opened my mouth and let my emotions carry out the words with none of its gentleness.
"Heero Yuy! Wake the hell up so you can answer my damn questions!"
Reluctantly, prussian eyes blinked themselves open and stared in bewilderment at my angry features. "Relena..."
I shoved the velvet box in front of his face and demanded, "What the hell is this? What the hell were you doing in a jewelry store? And most of all, who the hell is it for?"
I wondered if he was more shocked by my unexpected possession of the ring, my tone of voice, or the fact that it was the first time he had ever heard me swear. But i needed answers and i needed it bad.
"What makes you think that belongs to me?"
He asked the question with such a straight face that i faltered a little. Had i assumed wrong? Maybe the officer had made a mistake and it didn't belong to Heero. After all, what would Heero be doing with it? But...
"Then what were you doing in a jewelry store?"
He sat up determinedly and grimaced in pain. I hurried to his side and aided him. It felt so good to be near him. To touch him and know that he was still warm and alive. Even if he wasn't mine.
He glowered at me before answering gruffly, "It's none of your business where i go and what i do."
He was so damn good at hurting me. I flinched and backed away as if he was a coiled snake ready to strike when cornered. I glanced down and accidentally noticed that his hand was trembling. I thought he was in pain.
"Heero, are you alright? Should i call the nurse?"
"No. I'm fine."
He looked tired and in pain. He didn't need me drilling him with questions i certainly had no right to ask him. What was i to him anyway? A former lover he had no intention of keeping around forever. A girl who had been determined to be something to him when it was never meant to be. It was time to leave him alone. Time to finally let go. I closed my eyes and forced myself not to look at him. It was better not to have a certain memory of my last glimpse of him. I took three steps away from him before he broke his silence.
"Relena..."
I dared not face him. I kept my eyes on the open doorway. "Yes?"
"Are you going to walk out right now without any intention of coming back?"
He always did get to the point with no hesitation.
"Yes."
God, how my heart trembled with the pain of setting him free.
"Relena..."
Why couldn't he make at least this part easy?
"What do you want Heero?"
I felt just as tired and as bruised as he looked like he felt. And because i had no strength left, i refused to turn around.
Long silence. And then...
"I wanted something to symbolize what you are to me. What you represent in my life. I wanted something to match your beauty but it was the closest i could get to it."
I turned to face him, my eyes raw with emotions and my stomach tied in impossible knots. As if in a trance, i walked back to his side and let my eyes voiced my demands for answers. I didn't trust my voice to let out a sound.
"I must have imagined a thousand scenarios in which to tell you best. In all of them, the scene involved me feeling awkward and foolish." He reached for my hand and stroked my palm with his thumb. It gave me strange comfort. I wondered if he was aware of it. "But then i also pictured you a thousand times walking away from me because i couldn't and wouldn't say what i wanted to say."
He reached out and took the box from me. His eyes had turned into a blue so deep it bordered on black. Deep as the sea at night when brimming with restrained emotions. He held the mouth of the velvet box opened for me to see the ring lying in splendour beauty inside its cushioned interior. It was so beautiful in its intricate simplicity. A silver band with a single, diamond studded wing etched delicately in the middle. It took my breath away for the second time.
"I caused you so much pain i know. And perhaps you'll never forgive me for them. But you see... i feared what it would reveal if i didn't have that protection against you. If i didn't push you away, then you'd be able to read me. To know my weaknesses. I'm not used to that. It can be use against me as a weapon. But i realised that you're not an enemy. I'm not perfect Relena. And i'm not normal like the other guys i'm sure your brother would love for you to end up with. I get restless and i would probably always demand some time alone. I'm over-protective and posessive as hell. To the point of violence." He hesitated and gripped my hand tighter as if lending strength and asking for understanding. "And at times, you may wake up alone."
I nodded as he begged for forgiveness. Then he took the ring from its box and held it out to me.
"The wing signifies what you are to me. When i'm restless and i need to be alone, one wing will carry me away from you," he then stroked the lone wing etched on the ring. "but the other, the one that you gave me, that wing will always guide me back to you. That means that no matter how many times you wake up alone Relena, know that the gift you've given me will always let me find my way home."
I didn't know just when the tears had started falling but i felt it make its way down my cheeks to drop like falling rain on the surface of the ring held between us.
"Relena...i love you."
I could have sworn he trembled when the words stumbled out of his beautiful mouth. Or maybe it was me. I held out my left hand and watched as he slipped the ring on my finger. Perfect fit. I felt complete. As if the ring and i had been waiting to find eachother for centuries. The symbol of faith. Of destiny. The symbol that Heero will always come home to me because my wing, like my heart, would carry him back always.
I leaned down and kissed him tenderly. "What the hell took you so long Yuy? I almost gave up on you."
He laughed. My god, for the first time in my whole life, i heard the man i loved laugh without restraint. And i laughed.
"I love you, too by the way." I was finally able to voice it. I felt so free.
He pulled me down to lie beside him and i carefully slipped my arms around his waist.
"I demand a big family Heero Yuy," i almost laughed outloud as his body stiffened with alarm. "it's compensation for all the idiotic things you put me through."
"How big are we talking Relena?" I gloried in the fear i invoked from such a deadly former gundam pilot.
"Hmmm...i'm talking about maybe a dozen or so..."
I laughed outloud as he groaned in what he predicted was his demise. I was meant to love this man forever. I knew it because no matter how hard and how many times i tried to let him go, my wing always brought him back to me.
<i>Behind closed door:</i>
It was the darnest experience, i laughed outloud while a solitary tear made its way down my cheek. I felt it. I leaned against the wall beside the door i had silently closed and tentatively smiled. I had planned on devoting my whole life to her without demanding love but only hoping for it. I would have been more than happy to spend the rest of my life living it that way. As long as i could be wherever she was. A few days ago, with all the countless crimes Heero had committed against Relena, i would have gallantly fought for my right to be with her. I would have given and taken lives for that right. But now i knew better.
Some things were simply meant to be and some were never meant to be. I had planned out my whole life. I had set course to my own destiny with a determination i was born with. But that was my sacrifice. I could have fought Heero for it. Perhaps, i could have even won the battle. But none of it mattered knowing she never would have been trully happy with the second rate. Heero was the first. And Heero would be the last. I heard it in her laugh. So there was nothing for me to do but walk away. There was nothing for me to do but accept her happiness in the arms of another and make it my own. It didn't matter that my heart broke even before i took the first step away from that door. It was all for love. A broken heart was nothing. I would have gladly laid down my life for her. I smiled at my gallantry and praised myself. Then i started the long walk away from love and towards the now uncertain future. Then there was a voice behind me.
"Impossible love is such a pain in the ass isn't it?"
I smiled at the dark-haired girl and waited for her to catch up to me before throwing an arm around her shoulders.
"And what would you know of love Hilde?"
She smiled and i frowned. When did she grow up to be such a beautiful woman?
"Just as much as you, Duo Maxwell. Just as much as you."
There was something about her that made it easier and so i allowed her to take my hand and walked out of the building. Maybe the future wouldn't be so bad after all.
~THE END~
<b>Pen name:</b> raine_yuy
<b>Email:</b> jayzelle_23@hotmail.com
<b>Categories:</b> Best Angst/Best Drama/Best Romance/ Multi-Part/Series
<b>Warnings:</b> Rating PG
<b>Loving Heero: Part One</b>
I was one of those women who believed in fairytales and happily ever-afters. Women who had too many emotions to spare and read too many romantic novels. And so I was one of those who felt too much and fell too hard. I?ve been in love so many times that the sensation was too unnaturally familiar. But for once in my life, I felt a wholly unique emotion for one man. I couldn?t tell if it was love for love always gave me a happy feeling. A sense of being in heaven even if it hurt in the end. But with this one man, being in love was to be in constant pain. Every touch and look was accompanied by sorrow. And so I learned the lesson of loving Heero Yuy. The experience of loving hell.
I had only a week to love him but I loved him at first sight. Who could resist those fathomless dark eyes? But of all those seven days of self-inflicted tortures, I remember the one night that will forever be sketched in my heart. It was the night that I discovered his demon. The one demon that had slipped into the dark and soft places of his only surviving part of the heart. The place that was forbidden. The demon was in the form of a woman that went by the name Relena Peacecraft.
I was lying in my own bed that night, pretending sleep while he stood staring at the sea of lights below from my luxurious apartment window. I was surprised that he was still there when I expected him to be gone long ago. Heero never stayed for the night. I also suspected that he never slept in anyone else?s bed other than his own. Perhaps he saw this as a sign of bondage. Too meaningful, too personal. I searched for the bed cover quietly, taking care not to make any movement that would alert him to my form of wakening. I found the edge of the cover and pulled it over my naked form, shivering. The night was unnaturally cold for a summer night. Suddenly, Heero turned and faced the bed, his gaze unerringly straight on my face. I hurriedly closed my eyes, praying that I didn?t betray my own act of lie. Unable to help myself however, I slowly and almost childishly slit one eye open to take a peek at his shadowed face. He headed straight for the bed and I closed my eyes again. I heard the soft footsteps that carried him closer, felt the heat of his presence. Then I felt a soft touch on my cheek. Unreasonable panic forced my eyes open. I didn?t care for he tiring game anymore when I knew that he was saying goodbye. Not just for the night, but forever. I sat up as he turned to look at me. He knew I?ve been awake the whole time. Just looking at his incredibly handsome face, I couldn?t help the words that rushed in my head and forced itself out of my mouth. I hated the panic that accompanied the words.
"You?re going?" It was half statement, half question.
He picked up his folded shirt from a chair and put it on. My question remained unanswered.
"You are going, aren?t you?" I persisted. I have never met any man who said goodbye this way. With empty silence and even emptier eyes. His silence confused then angered me. "What, you can?t even talk anymore? Tell me. Is this a habit of yours? Dammit, how can you just walk away without so much as a goodbye?" To my horror, the anger in my voice was also laced with deep pain. And with the discovery of pain came the discovery of love. It wasn?t unusual for me to fall in love within only a week but it was certainly unusual to find the realisation accompanied by tears. This sudden decision of his to part left me reeling as if from a fatal blow. I didn?t know what to feel but well aware of what I was feeling at the moment. I hurt beyond measure. I loved him more deeply than I have ever loved anyone. This soldier with the strange hollow eyes. Hollow because I had never once seen any genuine emotion cross his all too passive face. But perhaps because of the already warring emotions that were bouncing off the walls of my bedroom, Heero?s face suddenly darkened in anger. I felt both a rush of triumph and a rush of fear at the flint of emotion I had unconsciously revealed.
"I didn?t promise you anything." His voice remained calm despite his anger.
No, you never did and you never would. Would you? "I feel sorry for those who?s foolish enough to love you." The hurtful words came from the part of me that was hurting and wanted to hurt back.
Heero only smiled coldly. "Me too."
I wondered at his coldness. Wondered at the broken part of him and who or what had caused it.
"Why Heero?"
He frowned in confusion at the question.
"Why do you hurt so badly that you set out to hurt others?"
I got the desired effect I wanted from the question. Heero?s eyes widened in surprise at my perception, then darkened to reveal such raw pain. He masked it quickly but not quickly enough. I had a glimpse of painful memories from his past.
"Who was she?"
"Leave it alone." His tone was whip-like and cutting.
I couldn?t leave it alone. I couldn?t let him walk out without a reason. "How did she hurt you? Did she leave you the way you were about to leave me? Was that suppose to be some kind of poetic justice?"
He started for the door. I jumped out of the bed with the cover grasped against my body and went after him. I slammed myself against the door as he moved to open it. He gave me a threatening look that would have worked if I weren?t willing to hurt him as well.
"Answer me. How badly did she hurt you?"
The silence stretched before he answered in a taut voice. "She didn?t hurt me. I hurt her."
I wasn?t prepared for that answer. "What do you mean?"
"Just like I said." He paused, levelled his eyes with mine and almost drowned me in its depths. "She didn?t know how to hurt anyone. Not even me who insisted in hurting her every way I can."
I was still hopelessly lost. "Why?" It was the only question I could ask.
"Why did I hurt her?" The blue depths of his eyes took on a haunting look. "Because I didn?t know what else to do."
I found the light in the blinding darkness.
"You loved her." This I knew for nobody can cause so much pain without the complication of love. This I also knew because he was causing me the same pain. "You loved her and it terrified you. She loved you too didn?t she?"
Heero?s eyes retained its cool look, all emotions wiped out and no traces left behind. This time, the threat in his eyes and body were real as he moved to haul me out of the way. I stepped aside, relenting. I had gotten all my answers except for one.
"Who was she?"
Heero paused by the door and looked over his shoulder at the pathetic picture I made in the middle of the empty room. I still clutched the sheet against my body and I realised that I was trembling. It wasn?t the coldness in the room. It was the coldness inside me that refused to warm itself up. I hated the vulnerability I presented.
"Relena. Relena Peacecraft." It sounded like a curse as he whispered it almost violently.
That was the measure of his feelings for her. A loving so great that it bordered on violence. I hated her. I hated Relena Peacecraft. My thoughts calmed and became more honest. I felt an over-whelming sympathy for the woman Heero Yuy loved. What would it be like to love someone who refused to love back? It would be a worse hell than the one I was living in now. I was so lost in thought that when I looked up again, Heero Yuy was gone. No trace of him was left behind. No scent, no object, not even heat. The room was so cold. It was as if Heero Yuy had never been. I stared dumbly at the closed door. Gone. One moment I realised myself in love then the next minute realised that I just lost someone. The pain was slow to insert itself back into my system but when it came, it was almost unbearable.
We all have our weaknesses, our Achilles' heels, our demons. Mine was love. For some it may be the same. I felt too much and fell too hard. The inevitable landing crushed my bones and vital parts. I loved Heero Yuy and paid the price. I failed to crucifice his demon just as I failed to crucifice mine. I still believe in love. And Heero? He will always love Relena Peacecraft and so will continue hurting her and others to pay for what he sees as a weakness in himself. I wanted to find him and tell him what he clearly couldn?t see. That by hurting Relena, he was breaking himself slowly and inevitably. I wanted to find Relena and tell her not to give up. But I had to let it be. Heero was a thing of the past. Someone I mourned for now and then. I would just break down sometimes and start weeping because the memories would come flooding back. The pain never really diminished. That was the lesson I learned. Loving and losing Heero Yuy was one and the same. You remain in constant pain. It was hell loving him.
<b>Loving Relena: Part Two</b>
It was past midnight. The exclusive neighbourhood was quiet, undisturbed with the exception of quiet footsteps marching back and forth in front of an elegant building. My footsteps. I stopped and glared at the 5th floor window with a dim light on and called myself a fool. A bastard. A mental case. I fought inwardly with my conscience. It wasn't right. I should just leave her alone. Let her move on with her life. But there was an ache in me so powerful that it was impossible to ignore. A desire so deep that it drove all else out of my mind. All the reasoning and all the good intentions. Only one thought drove air after air into my lungs and gave me life. The thought of having her. Bypassing security was a walk through the park for me, performing it in record time. Then I was standing in front of her door. My face put on the cold facade but my heartbeat was warm. I craved. God, how I craved. And only one woman would ever do. My hand rose to knock on the closed door.
I had watched her a thousand times on television. I always thought her beautiful. But I realised I never knew beautiful until with a few disgruntled mumbling about people who wouldn't leave her alone, Relena opened the door with a frown on her forehead and an unasked question frozen on her lips. Her hair flowed around her like silken waterfall. Her simple flannel pyjamas gave her the appearance of a mere child. But a mere child she was not. Her face was fresh and clean without make up, taking away the image shown in public and revealing the hidden woman underneath. Exhausted, stubborn, and strong despite the slim figure that fooled the world and gave the impression of vulnerability. The image overwhelmed my senses. No matter how many times I came back to her, she was still able to amaze me time after time. She was to me, an addiction that can result in only a tragic ending. An addiction I desperately needed help for. But I always did like to work on my problems alone.
"Heero...wha...?" She never finished her sentence as I forced her back into her apartment and shut the door.
"What the hell were you thinking opening the door without bothering to see who it was?" Her safety always did make me go a little crazy when in it was in jeopardy. But damn, the woman asked for trouble like little children asked for toys.
"I...well...I..." Again, she wasn't given a chance to finish what would have been a pathetic excuse for a reason.
Her mouth was so invitingly soft. So warm and welcoming. I was home again. Home to a place I kept trying to get away from. She tasted of rain and cherries and coffee. Jesus help me, I could have stood there in the middle of her living room all night just kissing her. Having her sweet taste swallow me whole and numb my senses. We separated long enough to breathe.
"Heero...what is it? Why are you here?" Her breath came in soft gasps.
I needed her. I needed her so badly my hands trembled with it. "Because I want to be here."
Something flashed for a second in her deep shadowed eyes. Brilliant sapphire that had seen so much more than any eyes should have witnessed. It was an emotion I had seen many times whenever she opened the door to let me in. Something beyond love. Acceptance. Resignation. Complete surrender to whatever I demanded. And it always had the same effect on me. My throat closed for a moment. Unconditional devotion. Selfless act of love. I never asked for them. I never expected them. But I took them nonetheless. With my usual selfishness and greed.
<i>"I feel sorry for those who love you"</i>
I winced at the memory's intrusion. Me too.
She came to me without hesitation and wrapped her arms around me, bringing my head down to meet her eager mouth. Welcoming mouth that had sustained me through tortured nights. In return, I wrapped my arms around her waist and brought her fully against my craving body. I needed to feel her close to me. Sometimes, I wish I had the ability to freeze her inside me so that I never had to breath without her. But they were foolish thoughts because I knew I could never stay. Fevered thoughts brought on by passion. Without ever releasing hold, I led her down the hallway and into her bedroom. I had no time for finesse. I never really did. But she accepted that and met me heat to heat. It was always like that. Rushed, savaged, desperate and mind blowing rage. But it was never violent. There were never any bruises. When I took her that night again, it was predictable. As soon as I laid her down on the bed, I didn't bother to strip us of all articles of clothing. I pulled her pyjama and my jeans down and entered her with my blood reaching the volcanic point. I never worried about hurting her. I never worried about taking it slow. She liked it the way I did. Spent, I rested my head against her shoulder blade and forced myself to live. I had reached heaven and loathed the thought of falling back down to earth. I closed my eyes to slow my blood. I raised my head and looked down into her face. Something I had never done before. She studied me with steady eyes. Different eyes. They were forgiving and gentle. And butterfly wings brushed over my heart to bind them. I fought emotions. I fought guilt. But I couldn't fight the desire to take away the look of weary acceptance in her eyes. Selfishly, I wanted to see different emotions this time. Selfishly, I wanted to make her happy just to prove that I was able to. Savage became calm. Rush became a slow music that melted the bones. Desperate became soft kisses and gentle caresses. And rage became soft moans of pleasure that spoke only of tenderness. And I discovered that I delighted in giving as much as receiving. In fact, I took more pleasure from it. The soft contented sighs she made pulled at my soul and more butterfly wings like feather lace converged around my heart. Tightening. I entered her with deliberate care. It was different. So drastically, horrifyingly different. It took me beyond any height I had ever reached before. Beyond heaven and beyond hell. Happily exhausted, I gathered her into my arms as I lay down on my back. This time, I didn't fight the urge to just close my eyes and never open them. It was then that I realised I could have died with peace inside my heart for just another moment with her. As the dark world pulled me further into the land of dreams, my skin never felt the wet sensation of falling teardrops. Nor did my ears hear the softly spoken words laced bittersweet pain. "I love you..."
As soon as my eyes opened and my head cleared, I turned to look down at the woman sleeping fitfully beside me. I swallowed the urge to kiss her mouth and slowly disentangled myself from the bed covers. I gathered my discarded clothes and distractedly put them on. I brushed impatient fingers through my unruly hair and walked to the window to look down at the still darkened street of her neighbourhood. I sensed movements behind me and pretended I didn't hear.
<i>"Answer me. How badly did she hurt you?"</i>
It was such a foolish question. One that had shot through my soul and buried deep to draw blood. Relena Dorlian lived to take care of others. To make sure that people were safe and unharmed.
<i>"She didn't know how to hurt anyone. Not even me who insisted in hurting her every way I can."</i>
I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat. Why the hell was I doing this? I had wanted to keep her safe. To not let any harm come to her. And I would do nothing but cause her harm. Danger followed me everywhere. Ghosts of my past. Ghosts of my future. She deserved so much more. She deserved the best and I knew it would never be me. She deserved someone who was able to express even the barest of emotions. Who knew what she needed and is able to give it to her. Who did not have blood and murders branded on every particle of his skin. I could not even face the mirror without questioning whose eyes were on my face, staring back coldly at the reflection. All I could see were the eyes of those whose lives I had righteously taken. As if I were god and I had the right. And Relena...she would come to hate me. To break through the wall that prevented anyone from seeing the real man behind the image of perfection. She would stare at the man with the tainted blood and weapons and will hate me.
<i>"You loved her. You loved her and it terrified you."</i>
I was more than terrified. My heart slammed with real force against the protective skin of my chest and kept hammering. If I didn't leave her soon, I would never have the strength to leave her at all.
"You're going." Half statement, half question.
I flinched but still kept my back turned.
"Don't come back."
I closed my eyes and forced air into my lungs. In my world, the sun exploded and can no longer provide light. The moon was swallowed by the darkness and will no longer rise. The stars had all fallen and the sky was to be forever deprived of them. They lay at my feet like broken diamonds. Like shattered emotions. I arranged my features to its familiar coldness and turned to face her. There was no vulnerability. No forgiveness. No emotions. I walked over to the bed and raised my hand to touch a soft cheek. She turned away from the touch. I hid the left hand that trembled at the pain the rejection had caused. She was lost to me.
"Goodbye Heero..."
I walked through the door and closed it behind me without looking back. I leaned against it for just three seconds then continued out the building. I wondered how the world could keep on turning when the woman I ever loved had denied herself to me. I heard that it was hell loving someone. Loving Relena and denying it to the very end...now that was hell. I should know...
<b>Love Fool: Part Three </b>
They said i laughed too much. Smiled too often. Cracked too many jokes that only i was ever able to laugh at. They said that i never took things seriously enough. They said a lot of things that were true. On the surface anyway. I bet my precious braid and my hide that those same people would never believe just how seriously i take some things. The important things that actually mean so much to me more than my life. They would have never believed that the smile i often flashed now wobbled at the sight of her drawn features. Mouth that beckoned for a quick kiss trembled slightly although she tried to still them. She sat reading a newspaper in one hand and holding a coffee cup in the other. I walked over to the cupboards and took out a mug for myself. After filling it with fresh coffee, i went to sit across from her, trying my best to sound jovial.
"Princess. Isn't it your day off?" Princess. She looked like one. Moved like one. With that unconcious grace and proud head.
"Hmmm..." she never took her eyes away from the newspaper, her gaze scanning for something. "Yes...yes it is."
"Are you planning on doing anything?" she wore a pale blue sundress, the hem rested just below her kness. Enough to tantalise. And boy, i was beyond that. "Where would you like to go? Just name the place and we'll be there." Just name the price and i'll pay. My soul Princess? My heart? My life? How much for the chance just to have the right to hold you?
Reluctantly, she placed the newspaper to the side and met my questioning eyes. Sapphire orbs that changed colors with the wind. Blue for deep passion and green for hidden shadows. At the moment, they were the color of grass dancing with the wind. Fragile and restless.
"I want to go see the birds Duo. I wanna sit underneath the shade of trees and eat icecream. I wanna pick flowers and lie on the grass like i'm nobody. And eat Duo. God, i wanna eat," she smiled slightly at the sound of greed in her own voice. "I feel like i've been starving for years. Missed a million meals."
I loved it when she opened like a full bloomed flower late in spring. It was always such a wonderful surprise and a beautiful revelation to have her thoughts actually be translated into words. And the tightening in my stomach eased as my smile returned full force.
"Then a picnic it is, your highness," excited at the prospect of enjoying a whole day with her, i jumped up and called for Paygan. "I'll have him pack us a picnic basket full of surprises, how about that?"
Her eyes showed her delight and it was enough to make me feel like i can own the world. Although someone else already did. Whoever said that life was fair?
I brought her paradise. An untouched park that was hidden from the public and untouched by the fastpaced industrialised city. It was a piece of heaven on earth. And the soft glow that the first view of the place brought to her eyes made me melt right down to my bones. She was so rarely surprised by anything. I wondered if the man who held her beaten heart had ever done anything to make her happy. But the answer i myself found was depressing. Of course he had done something to make her happy. All the stupid fool had to do was breathe. The fact that he was alive made her happy. That was all it took. And no matter how much i listed all the wrongs Heero Yuy had done to Relena, i was never able to bring myself to trully hate him. In fact, i loved him as a brother and a friend. War either made eternal brothers of soldiers or eternal enemies. We fought for the same reasons Heero and I. To protect a life more precious than ours. And that very object of our rare affections sat underneath the protective shade of tree with food surrounding her like an offering to a goddess. And i sat beside her munching on an apple and just watching. She had a smile on her lips. A smile so innocent and pure that it held my gaze until she looked up to find me in the same position that i have been for the past few minutes.
"Duo...are you ok?" her tone held light amusement and laughter. I smiled back like a moron. She reached into a bag she had brought along with her and took out a book. "Finally..."
I watched as she leaned her back against the tree and opened the page where her marker was placed. I smiled a secret smile and decided to take a little nap and let her enjoy the peace. I laid myself on the blanket to her right and closed my eyes. This day was going to be tattoed inside my mind forever. Long after my hair turns to gray and all my teeth falls out. Long after she no longer needs the protection i offer her. I never dwell on those thoughts for long. I sighed and let my mind be lulled to sleep by the wind and her silent breathing. It was enough that she was by my side.
I must have dozed off for an hour or so. I yawned loudly and stretched my back to work out the stiff muscles. My dream world was so predictable. Sapphire eyes and long legs. Smooth skin and soft sighs. And the words,"i love you" uttered by those warm lips. I sat up and looked to my right where Relena was. She had dropped her book as she had fallen asleep. Beauty held me spellbound for the longest time. She still leaned back against the trunk of the tree, her hands gathered around her lap and her mouth slightly opened as she let out soft sighs. It was almost as good as my dreams. Except that Relena was definitely awake when she made those sighs. I laughed in amusement at myself. I was so ridiculously in love with the girl. I grabbed a smaller blanket and draped it around her quietly, making sure not to disturb her. I wondered how long it has been since she slept without crying herself into exhaustion first. I guarded her door almost everynight. Her sobs had torn me apart more than once. I wondered if my heart had as many bruises as hers did.
Moving back to study her, i noticed that her peaceful features had turned restless. Her brows furrowed and her mouth moved to utter soft words although only sighs were able to come out. I frowned in return, wondering what was so disturbing in her dreams. Unable to help myself, i reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. And having felt her soft skin, i was tempted to discover more. Who cares that it was never me she wanted but Heero? Who cares that i would never have the right to touch her now if she were awake? Who cares that only in my dreams did she love me? with excrutiating tenderness, i touched one soft cheek with the back of my hand. She leaned into it. Unconciously, she turned her head to lay her mouth against the palm of my hand. I smiled and loved her even more. I positioned myself beside her and gathered her in my arms. Repressed tears gathered at the back of my eyes and stung. How could any man let go after holding heaven in his arms? Well, Heero always did have suicidal tendencies. she molded herself against me and relaxed. It was now or never. She wouldn't hear me anyway. Therefore i would have to pay no price just for borrowing a stolen moment. It would be enough to sustain me for a lifetime. Just this memory. And the smell of her on my skin. I let out a long breath and closed my eyes.
"I love you, Princess."
She stirred. And then lovingly called out, "Heero..."
I bravely swallowed the pain whole and almost choked on my tears. Nobody ever said that life was fair. So what if i would have done anything to be with her? So what if i would have gone through hell just for the chance to call her mine? So what if i knew that if i was the one, i would never leave her? None of it mattered. He held her heart long before i entered into the scene. Still, i gathered her closer to me and rested my head at the top of hers. It was enough that she was here. Stolen moments would have to do for me.
I'm a fool in love with a fool who is still in love with the biggest fool out of all of us. God, life just couldn't get any better than that.
They said i laughed too much. I wonder how they would react to seeing the tears that i felt ran a path down my cheeks.
My cellphone vibrated against my pocket and i reached for it. "Hello?"
"Duo! Thank god. Is Relena with you?" Quatre's soft voice was edged with panic.
"Yeah...what's going on? Is everything ok?" I felt the hair stood at the back of my neck long before Quatre uttered the words.
"Heero's at the hospital Duo. Tell Ms. Relena and meet us there,"then he added in a softer tone, "And Duo, prepare yourself for the worse. Prepare her."
Then the line was disconnected. I stared down at the woman lying so safe and warm in my arms. I had my moment with her. It would have to last me my whole lifetime.
I didn't know then that my lifetime was about to take a drastic turn. There were sacrifices to be made. And i had a role to play. All of it for love.
<b>Love At Last: Final Chapter</b>
I suppose i should have been more hysterical. I suppose i should have fired off a dozen incomprehensible questions and demanded answers to them that would have made the person closest to me shake me with real force to snap me out of my hysteria. But i did none of those. Perhaps it was out of the deep rooted control passed on to me by generations of royal blood and outstanding upbringing. Perhaps it was out of pride of not being seen as someone who could break so easily when faced with such situations. But nonetheless, when Duo Maxwell announced as soon as i opened my eyes that Heero Yuy was in a critical condition in a hospital, i showed no outward emotions. Only a simple blink that could have meant anything. Or nothing at all. Funny. So funny that i had mastered the art of pretending.
The tapping of our shoes resounded throughout the deathly quiet hallways of the pristine hospital. I wondered and wondered but refused to voice what was on my mind. I refused to give in to the screams my heart demanded to let out. We approached the private waiting area where the rest of the gundam pilots were already huddled in their silent solitudes. I entered and felt amongst them. An equal to the desolation they all marked as their personal territories. They showed no outward reactions. Only the gentle blonde Arabic whose smile wobbled slightly as he stood to greet me. I only nodded politely. There was a brittleness inside my throat that choked my words. I wondered if anyone noticed.
<i>25 minutes later:</i>
The white drabbed doctor pushed open the swinging door of the operating room and headed wearily to our silent waiting group. Noin, Zechs, Une, Hilde and Sally had arrived just a few minutes ago. It was only then that i heard the whole story. Only when Noin asked what had happened. My nerves were stretched to the point of breaking by then. But it was said that i had the tendency to be absolutely bullheaded. Quatre was the one to provide the information.
It was a simple robbery gone wrong. Disbeliefs were written all over features that were new to the information given. A robbery? A robbery had gotten Heero Yuy critically injured? My brother was the first to voice his incredibility.
"A robbery? But he's survived a whole damn war. He's gone against mobile suits without other soldiers to protect his back and now you're saying that because of some fool who decided to make easy money by robbing a store got him?"
"Everyone's entitled to their own weakness," Wulfei muttered in a low tone. His eyes took on a mocking glint. "Heero's no different than everybody else."
"Sure he is. The guy is damn invincible," Hilde replied. "there is no weakness in him."
I felt Duo's eyes on me and swallowed the denial that worked its way up my throat. My eyes met his and for a few brief seconds, a war of silent words issued between us. His tried to force me to believe. And in return, i tried to force him to stop believing. Neither of us knew who won. The doctor had chosen then to break the tension.
He stood before me perhaps because he assumed i was the one to be informed.
"Miss Dorlian," he held his hand out to shake mine and i politely obliged. "I am Dr. Jonathan McCaine. Let's get to the point shall we? Mr. Yuy was shot three times. One bullet went through his shoulder blade. One went through his right thigh. And the last one, which almost caused him his life was the one that got lodged at his left side where it damaged some vital parts and caused him to lose a lot of his blood. We did everything possible and was able to dig the bullet out without causing more harm. However, the blood the he lost will take some time to be replaced although we have already found matching blood types. It does depend on how well his body accepts it that will be the deciding factor. He is concious but very weak. The boy has some amazing fighting power. We've never seen anything like it. He is being placed in his own private bed right now and although i do not suggest it, i suppose you all can go see him now as long as you don't overwhelm him. He's not out of the woods yet."
Long sighs of relieves were released but i held on to mine. I nodded to the doctor and and followed as everyone headed for Heero's private room. The doctor's next words halted my progress in mid-stride.
"That young man almost gave in a few times and was very close to giving up the fight," he smiled admiringly. "but it seems that he had something very important to hold on to Ms. Dorlian. Something that made him think twice about leaving it behind."
I fought the urge to deny myself. To deny the words. To deny the fire that lit with the first flames of reviving hope. I have been devastated by that hope more than once. I refused to be broken a final time. And so i denied myself the chance to believe.
"Thank you for your service Dr. McCaine," my voice i knew was dripping with ice but it was not to be helped. "we're grateful for it."
I turned away and continued down the hall to Heero's room.
My first glimpse of him made my throat ache to shed the tears that almost blinded me to anything else but him. I wondered that if i ran to him and hugged him to me without the intention of ever letting go, would i actually kill him? But god, at that very moment, i couldn't have been more sure of just how much i would have been willing to give him. The world if he asked it. My whole lifetime. He could have asked me to wait for him forever and i would have gladly said yes. Without him, i could have watched the world be swallowed by flames and i would cheer for the end. There would be no Relena Dorlian without Heero Yuy. I understood that it was always meant to be. Long before i even knew who he was.
My steps were reluctant and careful, as if afraid the floor would open up and i would fall into open space. His eyes were tired but open, locked intensely with mine. A blanket was draped over his form. I touched the edge of it as i reached his bed. I ached so badly for him to hold me. To reassure me that he was warm and alive although i knew he could barely move himself. But instead of giving me what my eyes begged for, he turned away and looked out the window.
It hurt beyond belief. Hurt to the point of physical pain. I turned and walked out the door without meeting the sympathetic eyes. I wanted to be swallowed whole by the fire. To be engulfed in flames and disappear forever. To become lifeless ashes blown away by the wind and carried off to nothingness. I wondered why i was so hard to love.
<i>The day after:</i>
I came back the next day with the constant armor of numbness . My only companion besides Duo who sat beside me in comforting silence. He had always been there for me. Through all the days and nights of either rare laughters or unexplained weepings. He had sat beside me in silence and his presence alone reassured me that i was never really isolated in my happiness or sorrow. A small smile of bitter sadness pulled at the corner of my mouth unexpectedly. He was such a fool to love me. And i was such a fool not to love him. But some things were never meant to be.
A figure clad in a police uniform approached us, holding a small box.
"Ms. Dorlian," the uniform handed me the box. "these are some things that belongs to Mr. Yuy collected from the jewelry store where the robbery took place. We took it for safekeeping. I'm just here to return it ma'am and to wish Mr. Yuy a good recovery. He was quite the hero."
The uniform saluted and walked away just as abruptly as he had arrived. I was brimming with questions. I turned to Duo and saw the same curiosity in his eyes.
"A jewelry store? What the hell was he doing in a jewelry store?" He voiced the question i wanted to ask. "I thought it was some other store. Like a store that sells weapons."
Curiosity got the best of me as i opened the box and rifled through the contents. His wallet. His keys. His gun. His jacket. His...small velvet jewelry box? Trembling fingers opened the lid my eyes widened with shock.
The door slammed against the wall as i slammed open with unrestrained force. He looked so damn peaceful and innocent in his sleep. I stood above him and glared down. I opened my mouth and let my emotions carry out the words with none of its gentleness.
"Heero Yuy! Wake the hell up so you can answer my damn questions!"
Reluctantly, prussian eyes blinked themselves open and stared in bewilderment at my angry features. "Relena..."
I shoved the velvet box in front of his face and demanded, "What the hell is this? What the hell were you doing in a jewelry store? And most of all, who the hell is it for?"
I wondered if he was more shocked by my unexpected possession of the ring, my tone of voice, or the fact that it was the first time he had ever heard me swear. But i needed answers and i needed it bad.
"What makes you think that belongs to me?"
He asked the question with such a straight face that i faltered a little. Had i assumed wrong? Maybe the officer had made a mistake and it didn't belong to Heero. After all, what would Heero be doing with it? But...
"Then what were you doing in a jewelry store?"
He sat up determinedly and grimaced in pain. I hurried to his side and aided him. It felt so good to be near him. To touch him and know that he was still warm and alive. Even if he wasn't mine.
He glowered at me before answering gruffly, "It's none of your business where i go and what i do."
He was so damn good at hurting me. I flinched and backed away as if he was a coiled snake ready to strike when cornered. I glanced down and accidentally noticed that his hand was trembling. I thought he was in pain.
"Heero, are you alright? Should i call the nurse?"
"No. I'm fine."
He looked tired and in pain. He didn't need me drilling him with questions i certainly had no right to ask him. What was i to him anyway? A former lover he had no intention of keeping around forever. A girl who had been determined to be something to him when it was never meant to be. It was time to leave him alone. Time to finally let go. I closed my eyes and forced myself not to look at him. It was better not to have a certain memory of my last glimpse of him. I took three steps away from him before he broke his silence.
"Relena..."
I dared not face him. I kept my eyes on the open doorway. "Yes?"
"Are you going to walk out right now without any intention of coming back?"
He always did get to the point with no hesitation.
"Yes."
God, how my heart trembled with the pain of setting him free.
"Relena..."
Why couldn't he make at least this part easy?
"What do you want Heero?"
I felt just as tired and as bruised as he looked like he felt. And because i had no strength left, i refused to turn around.
Long silence. And then...
"I wanted something to symbolize what you are to me. What you represent in my life. I wanted something to match your beauty but it was the closest i could get to it."
I turned to face him, my eyes raw with emotions and my stomach tied in impossible knots. As if in a trance, i walked back to his side and let my eyes voiced my demands for answers. I didn't trust my voice to let out a sound.
"I must have imagined a thousand scenarios in which to tell you best. In all of them, the scene involved me feeling awkward and foolish." He reached for my hand and stroked my palm with his thumb. It gave me strange comfort. I wondered if he was aware of it. "But then i also pictured you a thousand times walking away from me because i couldn't and wouldn't say what i wanted to say."
He reached out and took the box from me. His eyes had turned into a blue so deep it bordered on black. Deep as the sea at night when brimming with restrained emotions. He held the mouth of the velvet box opened for me to see the ring lying in splendour beauty inside its cushioned interior. It was so beautiful in its intricate simplicity. A silver band with a single, diamond studded wing etched delicately in the middle. It took my breath away for the second time.
"I caused you so much pain i know. And perhaps you'll never forgive me for them. But you see... i feared what it would reveal if i didn't have that protection against you. If i didn't push you away, then you'd be able to read me. To know my weaknesses. I'm not used to that. It can be use against me as a weapon. But i realised that you're not an enemy. I'm not perfect Relena. And i'm not normal like the other guys i'm sure your brother would love for you to end up with. I get restless and i would probably always demand some time alone. I'm over-protective and posessive as hell. To the point of violence." He hesitated and gripped my hand tighter as if lending strength and asking for understanding. "And at times, you may wake up alone."
I nodded as he begged for forgiveness. Then he took the ring from its box and held it out to me.
"The wing signifies what you are to me. When i'm restless and i need to be alone, one wing will carry me away from you," he then stroked the lone wing etched on the ring. "but the other, the one that you gave me, that wing will always guide me back to you. That means that no matter how many times you wake up alone Relena, know that the gift you've given me will always let me find my way home."
I didn't know just when the tears had started falling but i felt it make its way down my cheeks to drop like falling rain on the surface of the ring held between us.
"Relena...i love you."
I could have sworn he trembled when the words stumbled out of his beautiful mouth. Or maybe it was me. I held out my left hand and watched as he slipped the ring on my finger. Perfect fit. I felt complete. As if the ring and i had been waiting to find eachother for centuries. The symbol of faith. Of destiny. The symbol that Heero will always come home to me because my wing, like my heart, would carry him back always.
I leaned down and kissed him tenderly. "What the hell took you so long Yuy? I almost gave up on you."
He laughed. My god, for the first time in my whole life, i heard the man i loved laugh without restraint. And i laughed.
"I love you, too by the way." I was finally able to voice it. I felt so free.
He pulled me down to lie beside him and i carefully slipped my arms around his waist.
"I demand a big family Heero Yuy," i almost laughed outloud as his body stiffened with alarm. "it's compensation for all the idiotic things you put me through."
"How big are we talking Relena?" I gloried in the fear i invoked from such a deadly former gundam pilot.
"Hmmm...i'm talking about maybe a dozen or so..."
I laughed outloud as he groaned in what he predicted was his demise. I was meant to love this man forever. I knew it because no matter how hard and how many times i tried to let him go, my wing always brought him back to me.
<i>Behind closed door:</i>
It was the darnest experience, i laughed outloud while a solitary tear made its way down my cheek. I felt it. I leaned against the wall beside the door i had silently closed and tentatively smiled. I had planned on devoting my whole life to her without demanding love but only hoping for it. I would have been more than happy to spend the rest of my life living it that way. As long as i could be wherever she was. A few days ago, with all the countless crimes Heero had committed against Relena, i would have gallantly fought for my right to be with her. I would have given and taken lives for that right. But now i knew better.
Some things were simply meant to be and some were never meant to be. I had planned out my whole life. I had set course to my own destiny with a determination i was born with. But that was my sacrifice. I could have fought Heero for it. Perhaps, i could have even won the battle. But none of it mattered knowing she never would have been trully happy with the second rate. Heero was the first. And Heero would be the last. I heard it in her laugh. So there was nothing for me to do but walk away. There was nothing for me to do but accept her happiness in the arms of another and make it my own. It didn't matter that my heart broke even before i took the first step away from that door. It was all for love. A broken heart was nothing. I would have gladly laid down my life for her. I smiled at my gallantry and praised myself. Then i started the long walk away from love and towards the now uncertain future. Then there was a voice behind me.
"Impossible love is such a pain in the ass isn't it?"
I smiled at the dark-haired girl and waited for her to catch up to me before throwing an arm around her shoulders.
"And what would you know of love Hilde?"
She smiled and i frowned. When did she grow up to be such a beautiful woman?
"Just as much as you, Duo Maxwell. Just as much as you."
There was something about her that made it easier and so i allowed her to take my hand and walked out of the building. Maybe the future wouldn't be so bad after all.
~THE END~