(D2 Entry) Pretty Baby (4)
Posted: Fri May 02, 2003 7:27 pm
Title: Pretty Baby (Chapter 4)
Penname: J Alberghini
E-mail: JAlberghini2@aol.com
Categories: Best Series/Multi-part, Best Romance
Warnings: This chapter is more Heero's thoughts than action.
Disclaimer: If Gundam Wing and "Pretty Baby" belonged to me, would I really need to do this?
Pretty Baby
Chapter Four
"And I know things can't last forever"
I woke up before dawn the next morning. The moon was still shining brightly through Relena's window. The girl, sleeping with her head on my chest was bathed in light. She was smiling serenely. For someone with such a grueling job and everyone after her life, it seemed that she didn't have a care in the world. It was like she was peace and happiness in physical form. It both awed and frightened me at the same time. Because I knew it was because of me she was feeling that way at the time. All of that would shatter the moment I left. And she would again suffer because of me. Why? Why does she have to want me? I was thinking. Why can't it be someone else? And why do I have to want her too? More unanswered questions. Would they ever end?
"I'll always protect you, Relena," I whispered to her softly. I kissed her lightly on the cheek. She sighed contentedly. I played with her hair for a while, lingering there. I really had no desire to leave. And try as I might, my brain couldn't think of a good reason to. What was the big deal anyway? Something kept pulling me back, just as strongly, if not more, that what was pulling me away. All I knew was that the longer I stayed, the harder it would be to go.
I?m the world's biggest hypocrite. All that time, I'd been preaching something I didn't even believe in. Act on your emotions. Since when have I ever done that? Never, that's when. I'd barely had any to act upon the last time I said it. If I did, I certainly hadn't followed that philosophy, really. If I had, maybe I would have left the moment I mistook Catherine for Relena and went looking for her so as to fulfill that sudden urge I'd had to tell her I was still alive. But I didn't, because I was too weak and too cowardly. Sometimes I don't understand how people call me brave. Maybe in fighting, that's true; I'm not afraid of death. But as a human being, I'm the worst coward there is.
But maybe that was just a foolish notion; kind of like I have always said Relena's total pacifism is. If this were an ideal world, then, maybe, it could work. But this is reality and sometimes instead of acting on your emotions, you've got to go with your gut. And common sense told me that if I didn't leave before she woke up, I never would. And I wasn't ready for that yet, still too unstable, too unsure of myself. That night I realized it more than ever. So what if it had been to protect her? I could've turned on her at any moment. I was barely thinking at the time, or at least, not as I should've been. I was just reacting the way I would've in the war. We may be in peace right now, but that doesn't mean I haven't changed. I'm still as dangerous as ever, and I'm not proud of it at all.
What might have I done if she hadn't fainted? Would I have snapped out of it? I did the first time, but one can only be so lucky. The idea that I wouldn't have is too frightening to think about. I need to figure myself out first and find out what these feelings are that I have for her. Is it love? How can I tell? I've never loved nor been loved by anyone before. And I don?t want to depend on her to love enough for the both of us. I have too many demons to vanquish still. What if my dream came true and I chose wrong and hurt her? If I'm going to protect her, I need to take care of that first. For what's the use of protecting her from others if I can't protect her from myself?
Don't think leaving her didn't hurt me too. Don't ever think that. But you have to be cruel to be kind; I think the saying goes. She would understand. She had to. She must've known I would go. That's why she asked me to stay. She only meant just the night. Believe what you want to believe, I suppose. Self-delusionment has become a habit with me. But Relena knows me well enough. Too well, in fact. Better than anyone knows me, including myself. That knowledge seems dangerous to me. But Relena's not an enemy, so I have nothing to fear. Or do I? That kind of thinking, that security is something I've always tried to avoid. You never know whom you can trust, that's what I've always been taught.
She must've known I'd leave. She must have. It fits anything I've ever done in my life, anything in my relationship with her or lack thereof. She wouldn't be angry with me. That's what I kept telling myself anyway (see what I mean?). All good things must come to an end, right? In the immortal words of Robert Frost, "Nothing gold can stay." (Yes, I read poetry. Don't be so surprised. I have to take the same classes in high school that everyone else does.) Quit while you're ahead. And all those other sayings we learned in school. I'm right, right? Of course I'm right, I must be right. I can't afford to be anything other than right. If it's meant to be, we'd see each other again. Right? Tell me I was right, I don't think I can handle it if I was wrong. But I guess Relena's the only one who can tell me the answer to that. If anything good would come of that, it meant I'd have to see her again. Sure, make another excuse, for my sanity's sake. If I have any, that is. Right then, it was highly possible that I didn't.
"Since when are you so upset about good-byes?" I asked myself. "It's never bothered you before." Not since I met Relena anyway. Never had I felt remorse about leaving someone, even my friends when I admitted that they were my friends. Only with her. Just like every other crazy change in my being that's occurred since I met her. Oh, with everyone else I'm normal. For me, I mean. Distant, quiet, grunting answers. Not her though. With her, I can actually put sentences together. That's a clear sign that there must be something wrong, seriously.
I buried my face in her neck. Her warmth didn't bother me anymore. It felt nice, safe. "I'm sorry," I murmured into her ear. I pushed her off my chest reluctantly and laid her back down gently. She rolled over and hugged a pillow tightly to her chest.
"Heero," she said softly in her sleep. I picked up her teddy bear (the poor thing had been left abandoned on the floor) and put it in her arms, placing the pillow back behind her head. It was a poor substitute, I knew, but it was the best I could do at the moment. Maybe someday I'll replace it permanently. For the moment, I can always get another one to keep it, and her, company. No, wait, scratch that I idea. I've got to think of something different, better. More original. She had plenty of stuffed animals around there, I could see. On the bookshelves, on the windowsills (well, on the floor after I got past them. In retrospect, why didn't I just use the door?). Bunnies and bears, dogs and cats and a monkey and a frog (Don't ask me, I have no idea) and some other stuff that were no animals I'd ever seen. Aliens maybe or bugs. Pokemon, who knows? Making sure that the covers were tucked carefully around her, I slipped off the bed stealthily and put on my shoes without bothering to untie the laces. Then I climbed out the window and jumped into the bushes. I was scratched and slightly bloody from the thorns, but I didn't care.
"Goodbye, Relena. I'll see you again." I doubted she heard me; but I said it this time, at least. Though I guess it doesn't count if she's not awake when I say it, or in the same room. Oh well, what can you do?
"Sooner then you think," I reminded myself. Just a couple days. Forty-eight hours. Right now it's much less than that. I can handle the separation for that long, right? Of course I can. I'm a big boy; I don't need Relena to survive, right? Yeah, right.
I wiped away wetness on my face. It wasn't raining, so I didn't know where it was coming from. Sweat maybe. Or blood from the roses. No, probably not, it was colorless. It didn't really matter much. I didn't know what it was, but I didn't care either.
"I'll always be nearby," I called as an afterthought. I foolishly hoped that she'd hear me in her dreams. Maybe she did, who knows? I realized I'd left my jacket there, but no matter. What was I supposed to do anyway, take it off her? I would sneak in when she was out and get it the next day. Excuses, excuses. Then, after stumbling through her godforsaken garden in the dark, I finally got to my car, for the most part still in tact, with the exception of a few newly formed scabs from those freaking flowers. I drove off without looking back.
Penname: J Alberghini
E-mail: JAlberghini2@aol.com
Categories: Best Series/Multi-part, Best Romance
Warnings: This chapter is more Heero's thoughts than action.
Disclaimer: If Gundam Wing and "Pretty Baby" belonged to me, would I really need to do this?
Pretty Baby
Chapter Four
"And I know things can't last forever"
I woke up before dawn the next morning. The moon was still shining brightly through Relena's window. The girl, sleeping with her head on my chest was bathed in light. She was smiling serenely. For someone with such a grueling job and everyone after her life, it seemed that she didn't have a care in the world. It was like she was peace and happiness in physical form. It both awed and frightened me at the same time. Because I knew it was because of me she was feeling that way at the time. All of that would shatter the moment I left. And she would again suffer because of me. Why? Why does she have to want me? I was thinking. Why can't it be someone else? And why do I have to want her too? More unanswered questions. Would they ever end?
"I'll always protect you, Relena," I whispered to her softly. I kissed her lightly on the cheek. She sighed contentedly. I played with her hair for a while, lingering there. I really had no desire to leave. And try as I might, my brain couldn't think of a good reason to. What was the big deal anyway? Something kept pulling me back, just as strongly, if not more, that what was pulling me away. All I knew was that the longer I stayed, the harder it would be to go.
I?m the world's biggest hypocrite. All that time, I'd been preaching something I didn't even believe in. Act on your emotions. Since when have I ever done that? Never, that's when. I'd barely had any to act upon the last time I said it. If I did, I certainly hadn't followed that philosophy, really. If I had, maybe I would have left the moment I mistook Catherine for Relena and went looking for her so as to fulfill that sudden urge I'd had to tell her I was still alive. But I didn't, because I was too weak and too cowardly. Sometimes I don't understand how people call me brave. Maybe in fighting, that's true; I'm not afraid of death. But as a human being, I'm the worst coward there is.
But maybe that was just a foolish notion; kind of like I have always said Relena's total pacifism is. If this were an ideal world, then, maybe, it could work. But this is reality and sometimes instead of acting on your emotions, you've got to go with your gut. And common sense told me that if I didn't leave before she woke up, I never would. And I wasn't ready for that yet, still too unstable, too unsure of myself. That night I realized it more than ever. So what if it had been to protect her? I could've turned on her at any moment. I was barely thinking at the time, or at least, not as I should've been. I was just reacting the way I would've in the war. We may be in peace right now, but that doesn't mean I haven't changed. I'm still as dangerous as ever, and I'm not proud of it at all.
What might have I done if she hadn't fainted? Would I have snapped out of it? I did the first time, but one can only be so lucky. The idea that I wouldn't have is too frightening to think about. I need to figure myself out first and find out what these feelings are that I have for her. Is it love? How can I tell? I've never loved nor been loved by anyone before. And I don?t want to depend on her to love enough for the both of us. I have too many demons to vanquish still. What if my dream came true and I chose wrong and hurt her? If I'm going to protect her, I need to take care of that first. For what's the use of protecting her from others if I can't protect her from myself?
Don't think leaving her didn't hurt me too. Don't ever think that. But you have to be cruel to be kind; I think the saying goes. She would understand. She had to. She must've known I would go. That's why she asked me to stay. She only meant just the night. Believe what you want to believe, I suppose. Self-delusionment has become a habit with me. But Relena knows me well enough. Too well, in fact. Better than anyone knows me, including myself. That knowledge seems dangerous to me. But Relena's not an enemy, so I have nothing to fear. Or do I? That kind of thinking, that security is something I've always tried to avoid. You never know whom you can trust, that's what I've always been taught.
She must've known I'd leave. She must have. It fits anything I've ever done in my life, anything in my relationship with her or lack thereof. She wouldn't be angry with me. That's what I kept telling myself anyway (see what I mean?). All good things must come to an end, right? In the immortal words of Robert Frost, "Nothing gold can stay." (Yes, I read poetry. Don't be so surprised. I have to take the same classes in high school that everyone else does.) Quit while you're ahead. And all those other sayings we learned in school. I'm right, right? Of course I'm right, I must be right. I can't afford to be anything other than right. If it's meant to be, we'd see each other again. Right? Tell me I was right, I don't think I can handle it if I was wrong. But I guess Relena's the only one who can tell me the answer to that. If anything good would come of that, it meant I'd have to see her again. Sure, make another excuse, for my sanity's sake. If I have any, that is. Right then, it was highly possible that I didn't.
"Since when are you so upset about good-byes?" I asked myself. "It's never bothered you before." Not since I met Relena anyway. Never had I felt remorse about leaving someone, even my friends when I admitted that they were my friends. Only with her. Just like every other crazy change in my being that's occurred since I met her. Oh, with everyone else I'm normal. For me, I mean. Distant, quiet, grunting answers. Not her though. With her, I can actually put sentences together. That's a clear sign that there must be something wrong, seriously.
I buried my face in her neck. Her warmth didn't bother me anymore. It felt nice, safe. "I'm sorry," I murmured into her ear. I pushed her off my chest reluctantly and laid her back down gently. She rolled over and hugged a pillow tightly to her chest.
"Heero," she said softly in her sleep. I picked up her teddy bear (the poor thing had been left abandoned on the floor) and put it in her arms, placing the pillow back behind her head. It was a poor substitute, I knew, but it was the best I could do at the moment. Maybe someday I'll replace it permanently. For the moment, I can always get another one to keep it, and her, company. No, wait, scratch that I idea. I've got to think of something different, better. More original. She had plenty of stuffed animals around there, I could see. On the bookshelves, on the windowsills (well, on the floor after I got past them. In retrospect, why didn't I just use the door?). Bunnies and bears, dogs and cats and a monkey and a frog (Don't ask me, I have no idea) and some other stuff that were no animals I'd ever seen. Aliens maybe or bugs. Pokemon, who knows? Making sure that the covers were tucked carefully around her, I slipped off the bed stealthily and put on my shoes without bothering to untie the laces. Then I climbed out the window and jumped into the bushes. I was scratched and slightly bloody from the thorns, but I didn't care.
"Goodbye, Relena. I'll see you again." I doubted she heard me; but I said it this time, at least. Though I guess it doesn't count if she's not awake when I say it, or in the same room. Oh well, what can you do?
"Sooner then you think," I reminded myself. Just a couple days. Forty-eight hours. Right now it's much less than that. I can handle the separation for that long, right? Of course I can. I'm a big boy; I don't need Relena to survive, right? Yeah, right.
I wiped away wetness on my face. It wasn't raining, so I didn't know where it was coming from. Sweat maybe. Or blood from the roses. No, probably not, it was colorless. It didn't really matter much. I didn't know what it was, but I didn't care either.
"I'll always be nearby," I called as an afterthought. I foolishly hoped that she'd hear me in her dreams. Maybe she did, who knows? I realized I'd left my jacket there, but no matter. What was I supposed to do anyway, take it off her? I would sneak in when she was out and get it the next day. Excuses, excuses. Then, after stumbling through her godforsaken garden in the dark, I finally got to my car, for the most part still in tact, with the exception of a few newly formed scabs from those freaking flowers. I drove off without looking back.