Xanadu Lost (Shigure/Rin/Haru)
Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2003 10:53 pm
Well, this isn't a threesome so sorry to disappoint those who were hoping for one but it does involve the three characters. In my opinion, there's the possibility of a love triangle to exist with what little is revealed in the manga so far but I haven't seen many fics out there that deal with it. So, anyway, my fic bunnies got hopping and this is the result. Oneshots are just so fun to do. =)
Belinda
===================================================
XANADU LOST
PG-13
Souma Rin, that?s who I am now, who I?ve always been.
And yet, I am not the same Souma Rin that I used to be.
I feel it even more on spring nights like this as I lay awake staring into the dark, entwined with my husband in the bed that we?ve shared ever since we walked down that aisle on our wedding day, such a short time ago and yet seems so long in my mind. It was on that day when I married him, the man bearing the same surname as my own, and switched the origins and ownership of who first held that last name though the spelling and pronunciation of it did not change. It was supposed to be the happiest of days for a couple and it was what I pretended to be because, if I pretended hard enough, I hoped that it would make it true.
But it didn?t.
How could I know then that it would seem like such a mistake now, now when it?s much too late to do anything, impossible to turn back time and put things to rights. Marriage in the Souma family is permanent and, once done, there?s no backing out of it, no way to be free of it until the moment of death.
No, the world I live in is not a happy place for me but I know that it?s my fault that it isn?t because, if I had chosen differently, I could have had my Xanadu, that beautiful idyllic place described in books that I used to talk and dream privately about with him, the one I truly love, the one who isn?t by my side.
That dream is lost to me now; I have only reality.
It was never more real, the choice that I had made, than on my wedding day when I looked up suddenly, my new husband by my side, and gazed across the distance separating us to see such pain in the eyes of the one I had betrayed. He concealed it well from everyone else but I knew him best, knew what signs to look for that indicated the pain I had caused him by choosing someone other than him.
Even harder, knowing it was too late for us, I pretended I was ecstatically happy because, though I know it pained him, in the long run it was for the best because he would have wished me to be happy despite everything. It was better for him to believe that I was because then he could move on and, though the thought rips me up inside to think of it, find someone who would make him truly happy in a way that he deserves, in a way that I could no longer do if there had ever been a time when I had really accomplished that.
But it?s not just thoughts of my lost beloved one that pains me because he?s not the only man I?ve wronged. Even worse, I feel I?m also betraying my husband who, at one time, I thought I was in love with. I later realized that I wasn?t but, whether I?m in love with him or not, he?s the one I married.
When I think of another man while I lie beside my husband, is that cheating?
I?ve never pretended to be a good girl and, God knows, I have my share of sins but I try not to compound them with infidelity, although I?m not sure how successful I am at avoiding it. Although I may not betray my wedding vows by being physically unfaithful, I?m ashamed to admit that there are times when my husband touches me, caresses me, makes love to me in a way that conveys the deep emotions he has towards me, and my mind wanders terribly and pretends that he is someone else.
I think he knows it, too.
He?s much more intelligent and intuitive than some people give him credit for, much like my beloved one in a way and perhaps that similarity between them is why I once thought I loved him. But he?s never said anything to indicate he knows that my mind and heart aren?t always with him, even in bed at those most intimate of times.
Still, call it woman?s intuition or what you will, I think he knows and his silence on the subject only makes me feel guiltier for how I?ve treated him.
Lying in the bed I?ve made, I hate it, knowing there are three people in it even if one of them is physically absent. But to preserve the sham of happiness that I took the first steps to build, I pretend because there is nothing left for me to do and maybe, just maybe, if I try hard enough, it will be true someday.
As if sensing my mental turmoil, my husband shifts, clutching me closer and pulling my body flush against his as he mutters sleepily, ?Rin, can?t you sleep??
?I will soon,? I reply as reassuringly as I can. ?I?m just not very tired.?
?Well, then,? he says huskily. ?Maybe I can make you tired.?
He shifts, moving over me until his face comes into my view as he looks down at me. Lifting up a hand, I cup his profile, watching moonlight glinting off the gold band on my finger and think with a touch of bittersweet sadness, as I always do, that he?s very handsome and that there are many other women out there who would be extremely jealous of my position.
It?s funny how so many people I come across believe I?m lucky in love, if only they knew the truth of the matter.
But I smile softly, hoping to forget just a little, and pull him closer to me.
?Maybe you can.?
```````````````````````````````````````````
I wish Rin were here.
That?s nothing new since I?ve had the thought many times since she left me, even after I watched her marry another man, my cousin. I suppose it?s not surprising that he fell for her; it must be in the blood after all.
Still, I remember feeling so betrayed when I first found out about them. Rage, jealousy, despair, and even self-loathing had all boiled within me until it could no longer be contained and I went berserk until Yuki and the others somehow managed to stop my full out Black Haru rampage before anyone was seriously hurt. I caused a lot of trouble and perhaps I had no right such feelings since Rin and I had broken up long before that but emotions aren?t always reasonable and I?d always believed that we would eventually get back together.
But we didn?t.
Now, she?s married to him, forever out of my reach, and she seems happy in a way that makes me ache at not being the one she smiles at any longer.
However, despite my regret over losing her, over never being able to kiss or embrace her in my arms again as I once had, I hope that she is truly happy because she deserves it perhaps even more than she thinks she does. Aside from the blinding pain she caused me when she left me for good, she?d done more for me during the time we spent together than I could ever say or repay. Ever since we were young, she supported me, was always there watching out for me, guiding me, wonderful memories they are that I wouldn?t give up even though they?re now shaded with a nostalgic sadness.
There are times I wonder if I took it for granted that she would always be there and if that was why she?d left me. Maybe, if I had figured it out sooner, I could have done something to stop it, stop her from falling in love with someone else, from marrying someone else. It wouldn?t be the first instance for me to realize something too late, the curse of the cow hanging over me even during the most important of times with its inherent slowness.
Still, even knowing that she?s in love with someone else, belongs to someone else, I wish she were here.
She always made sense of my life for me whenever it got confusing for me to puzzle through, just like it?s been ever since we separated.
I wish I could go to her, ask for her advice, but she?s with someone else now and it?s wrong of me to depend on her so much and intrude on her life now when I no longer have a place in it. I need to start doing more for myself, I know, just as she?d tell me to, just as she?s always told me to.
And I will, but not now, now when the pain is still too fresh.
Maybe one day when it?s faded a bit more, when I can think of her and not have my heart clench so painfully tight, maybe then I?ll truly be ready to stand strong on my own and take the step forward to really moving on. When that day comes, if it comes, then I can try searching once more for another Xanadu, a different one for there could never be another like her.
But, for now, I can only think of the one I lost.
```````````````````````````````````````````
She doesn?t love me.
As she finally lies asleep beside me, the warmth of her body cradled by mine, I know this very well. But to have her here by my side, no matter what the circumstances are, is enough for me, at least for the moment. After all, I haven?t come this far, waited so patiently, to relinquish what I?ve gone through such lengths to acquire.
I?m sure there are many who paint me as the villain in light of past events but I don?t care; I never was one to concern myself overmuch with other people?s opinions, good or bad. They can take their beliefs and do whatever they want with them, label me with all the names they want; maybe they think calling me a dog is insulting but I can only laugh because I?ve never shied away from the truth no matter how dirty it may seem to the high-minded idealists of the world.
Morals, codes of honor, those are for fools who let what they want slip through their fingers and I?ve never had any desire to play the fool unless it suited my purposes as it sometimes does. In certain situations, after all, anything goes since the most important thing is coming out the winner in the long run.
In the world of adults, time, patience, and skillful plotting, that?s all it takes.
Happiness doesn?t come to anyone by just waiting and hoping for the best and I?ve always been doing something to get me closer to my goal, my dream, my slice of paradise. A smart person, after all, knows that the best way of doing things is to do them without other people?s awareness and let them think that it was all their idea.
If only Rin knew the truth of it all, then maybe she wouldn?t feel so guilty.
She thinks she?s so good at hiding her feelings and she is.
But I?m much better. After all, I?ve had more experience with wearing masks and seeing through them. She?s smart though and I have the feeling that, as she gets older and gains more experience in the ways of the world, she?ll eventually look back and uncover the things I?ve done to bring us to this point.
However, that?s still a ways off and, by that time, she might not even care so much about it anymore.
This is one ongoing game that I have no intentions of losing.
Marriage, a recitation of vows, doesn?t resolve anything and I?m not done plotting just yet. Some may think I?ve won, but I know the truth is that I haven?t because she?s still in love with him no matter how hard she tries to conceal it. And while that feeling is there, a feeling I know is still reciprocated by him, there?s still the danger that she?ll one day have a change of heart and decide to walk away from me and go to him.
It bothers me. I?d be lying if I said it didn?t and I make it a point not to lie to myself even if I do to others.
But I?ll deal with it. There?s no rest for the wicked and I?ll keep at it until her heart is in my hands, just as mine is in hers. We?re wedded, after all, and she has nowhere else to go for wedding vows in the Souma family bind tight; time is on my side and I have every intention of using it wisely.
She doesn?t love me.
But she will.
Paradise, Eden, Xanadu, whatever people call it, it?s something only achieved by going after it.
And I will.
Belinda
===================================================
XANADU LOST
PG-13
Souma Rin, that?s who I am now, who I?ve always been.
And yet, I am not the same Souma Rin that I used to be.
I feel it even more on spring nights like this as I lay awake staring into the dark, entwined with my husband in the bed that we?ve shared ever since we walked down that aisle on our wedding day, such a short time ago and yet seems so long in my mind. It was on that day when I married him, the man bearing the same surname as my own, and switched the origins and ownership of who first held that last name though the spelling and pronunciation of it did not change. It was supposed to be the happiest of days for a couple and it was what I pretended to be because, if I pretended hard enough, I hoped that it would make it true.
But it didn?t.
How could I know then that it would seem like such a mistake now, now when it?s much too late to do anything, impossible to turn back time and put things to rights. Marriage in the Souma family is permanent and, once done, there?s no backing out of it, no way to be free of it until the moment of death.
No, the world I live in is not a happy place for me but I know that it?s my fault that it isn?t because, if I had chosen differently, I could have had my Xanadu, that beautiful idyllic place described in books that I used to talk and dream privately about with him, the one I truly love, the one who isn?t by my side.
That dream is lost to me now; I have only reality.
It was never more real, the choice that I had made, than on my wedding day when I looked up suddenly, my new husband by my side, and gazed across the distance separating us to see such pain in the eyes of the one I had betrayed. He concealed it well from everyone else but I knew him best, knew what signs to look for that indicated the pain I had caused him by choosing someone other than him.
Even harder, knowing it was too late for us, I pretended I was ecstatically happy because, though I know it pained him, in the long run it was for the best because he would have wished me to be happy despite everything. It was better for him to believe that I was because then he could move on and, though the thought rips me up inside to think of it, find someone who would make him truly happy in a way that he deserves, in a way that I could no longer do if there had ever been a time when I had really accomplished that.
But it?s not just thoughts of my lost beloved one that pains me because he?s not the only man I?ve wronged. Even worse, I feel I?m also betraying my husband who, at one time, I thought I was in love with. I later realized that I wasn?t but, whether I?m in love with him or not, he?s the one I married.
When I think of another man while I lie beside my husband, is that cheating?
I?ve never pretended to be a good girl and, God knows, I have my share of sins but I try not to compound them with infidelity, although I?m not sure how successful I am at avoiding it. Although I may not betray my wedding vows by being physically unfaithful, I?m ashamed to admit that there are times when my husband touches me, caresses me, makes love to me in a way that conveys the deep emotions he has towards me, and my mind wanders terribly and pretends that he is someone else.
I think he knows it, too.
He?s much more intelligent and intuitive than some people give him credit for, much like my beloved one in a way and perhaps that similarity between them is why I once thought I loved him. But he?s never said anything to indicate he knows that my mind and heart aren?t always with him, even in bed at those most intimate of times.
Still, call it woman?s intuition or what you will, I think he knows and his silence on the subject only makes me feel guiltier for how I?ve treated him.
Lying in the bed I?ve made, I hate it, knowing there are three people in it even if one of them is physically absent. But to preserve the sham of happiness that I took the first steps to build, I pretend because there is nothing left for me to do and maybe, just maybe, if I try hard enough, it will be true someday.
As if sensing my mental turmoil, my husband shifts, clutching me closer and pulling my body flush against his as he mutters sleepily, ?Rin, can?t you sleep??
?I will soon,? I reply as reassuringly as I can. ?I?m just not very tired.?
?Well, then,? he says huskily. ?Maybe I can make you tired.?
He shifts, moving over me until his face comes into my view as he looks down at me. Lifting up a hand, I cup his profile, watching moonlight glinting off the gold band on my finger and think with a touch of bittersweet sadness, as I always do, that he?s very handsome and that there are many other women out there who would be extremely jealous of my position.
It?s funny how so many people I come across believe I?m lucky in love, if only they knew the truth of the matter.
But I smile softly, hoping to forget just a little, and pull him closer to me.
?Maybe you can.?
```````````````````````````````````````````
I wish Rin were here.
That?s nothing new since I?ve had the thought many times since she left me, even after I watched her marry another man, my cousin. I suppose it?s not surprising that he fell for her; it must be in the blood after all.
Still, I remember feeling so betrayed when I first found out about them. Rage, jealousy, despair, and even self-loathing had all boiled within me until it could no longer be contained and I went berserk until Yuki and the others somehow managed to stop my full out Black Haru rampage before anyone was seriously hurt. I caused a lot of trouble and perhaps I had no right such feelings since Rin and I had broken up long before that but emotions aren?t always reasonable and I?d always believed that we would eventually get back together.
But we didn?t.
Now, she?s married to him, forever out of my reach, and she seems happy in a way that makes me ache at not being the one she smiles at any longer.
However, despite my regret over losing her, over never being able to kiss or embrace her in my arms again as I once had, I hope that she is truly happy because she deserves it perhaps even more than she thinks she does. Aside from the blinding pain she caused me when she left me for good, she?d done more for me during the time we spent together than I could ever say or repay. Ever since we were young, she supported me, was always there watching out for me, guiding me, wonderful memories they are that I wouldn?t give up even though they?re now shaded with a nostalgic sadness.
There are times I wonder if I took it for granted that she would always be there and if that was why she?d left me. Maybe, if I had figured it out sooner, I could have done something to stop it, stop her from falling in love with someone else, from marrying someone else. It wouldn?t be the first instance for me to realize something too late, the curse of the cow hanging over me even during the most important of times with its inherent slowness.
Still, even knowing that she?s in love with someone else, belongs to someone else, I wish she were here.
She always made sense of my life for me whenever it got confusing for me to puzzle through, just like it?s been ever since we separated.
I wish I could go to her, ask for her advice, but she?s with someone else now and it?s wrong of me to depend on her so much and intrude on her life now when I no longer have a place in it. I need to start doing more for myself, I know, just as she?d tell me to, just as she?s always told me to.
And I will, but not now, now when the pain is still too fresh.
Maybe one day when it?s faded a bit more, when I can think of her and not have my heart clench so painfully tight, maybe then I?ll truly be ready to stand strong on my own and take the step forward to really moving on. When that day comes, if it comes, then I can try searching once more for another Xanadu, a different one for there could never be another like her.
But, for now, I can only think of the one I lost.
```````````````````````````````````````````
She doesn?t love me.
As she finally lies asleep beside me, the warmth of her body cradled by mine, I know this very well. But to have her here by my side, no matter what the circumstances are, is enough for me, at least for the moment. After all, I haven?t come this far, waited so patiently, to relinquish what I?ve gone through such lengths to acquire.
I?m sure there are many who paint me as the villain in light of past events but I don?t care; I never was one to concern myself overmuch with other people?s opinions, good or bad. They can take their beliefs and do whatever they want with them, label me with all the names they want; maybe they think calling me a dog is insulting but I can only laugh because I?ve never shied away from the truth no matter how dirty it may seem to the high-minded idealists of the world.
Morals, codes of honor, those are for fools who let what they want slip through their fingers and I?ve never had any desire to play the fool unless it suited my purposes as it sometimes does. In certain situations, after all, anything goes since the most important thing is coming out the winner in the long run.
In the world of adults, time, patience, and skillful plotting, that?s all it takes.
Happiness doesn?t come to anyone by just waiting and hoping for the best and I?ve always been doing something to get me closer to my goal, my dream, my slice of paradise. A smart person, after all, knows that the best way of doing things is to do them without other people?s awareness and let them think that it was all their idea.
If only Rin knew the truth of it all, then maybe she wouldn?t feel so guilty.
She thinks she?s so good at hiding her feelings and she is.
But I?m much better. After all, I?ve had more experience with wearing masks and seeing through them. She?s smart though and I have the feeling that, as she gets older and gains more experience in the ways of the world, she?ll eventually look back and uncover the things I?ve done to bring us to this point.
However, that?s still a ways off and, by that time, she might not even care so much about it anymore.
This is one ongoing game that I have no intentions of losing.
Marriage, a recitation of vows, doesn?t resolve anything and I?m not done plotting just yet. Some may think I?ve won, but I know the truth is that I haven?t because she?s still in love with him no matter how hard she tries to conceal it. And while that feeling is there, a feeling I know is still reciprocated by him, there?s still the danger that she?ll one day have a change of heart and decide to walk away from me and go to him.
It bothers me. I?d be lying if I said it didn?t and I make it a point not to lie to myself even if I do to others.
But I?ll deal with it. There?s no rest for the wicked and I?ll keep at it until her heart is in my hands, just as mine is in hers. We?re wedded, after all, and she has nowhere else to go for wedding vows in the Souma family bind tight; time is on my side and I have every intention of using it wisely.
She doesn?t love me.
But she will.
Paradise, Eden, Xanadu, whatever people call it, it?s something only achieved by going after it.
And I will.