Adventures in Modern Conveniences -- pointless stupidity
Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2003 8:49 pm
Poor Inuyasha...
Ok...I can?t believe I?m posting something else. I actually just got the idea today...I was in a weird mood. I thought it might be nice to have something funny to balance things after ?Smells Like Heaven,? but this may have gone a tiny bit too far...It?s really more bizarre than funny. Hope you don?t hate it...or hate me for writing it...That being said:
~Adventures in Modern Conveniences~
I?m hungry.
Damn it, where is that wench? ?Inuyasha, I need to go home. I need to go to school. I need, I need, I need,? keh! What I need is FOOD, woman!
That does it. She must have food somewhere in her room ? maybe there?s ramen in one of these rollout boxes!*
Clothes.
Clothes.
WHAT THE HELL???
Shit! Why would one woman need so much clothing? Sure, they get torn and bloody back home, but doesn?t she know how to repair her own things? Damn careless, heartless weakling.
YES!!! FOOD!!!
Ok, I don?t know what it is, but it?s wrapped in that thin shiny stuff that sticks to your hands, just like the other snacks she brings home from this place. There are lots of them in this blue bag, too...she won?t be too mad if I just eat a few, right? Ah, who cares? She?ll just have to deal ? teach her to leave me waiting for her while she screws around at school...not literally! Kagome does not screw around...does she? OF COURSE NOT! I would smell it on her, damn it! Besides, she?s not that kind of girl. She?s good. NOT THAT WAY! Not that I would think about her that way. Ever.
Oh. Right. Food.
FOOD!!!
...
Hmm...this is very strange food. It doesn?t even smell like food...but humans have such weak noses that much of their new food doesn?t right. This is sort of crunchy on the outside, but in a splintery kind of way. Doesn?t really taste good...doesn?t really have a taste at all...and the filling has a very strange texture...kind of fuzzy, actually. Ick. I wonder if I can even get it down...
Nope. No way that thing?s going down.
Maybe I just got a bad one...guess not. The next six are exactly the same. What?s wrong with this food?
?I?M HOME!?
Sigh...only the kid. Wait, would he know?
?Eh, Souta!?
?Coming!?
...
As slow as his freakin? sister...
?What is it, Inu-no-niichan?...WHAT ARE YOU DOING????
Hmm...I?ve seen that look before...when I almost told Kagome her medicine was made with raw liver...
?What does it look like I?m doing? I?m trying to eat!?
?But...you...you can?t eat that!?
?Why not??
?It isn?t food!?
Ah. That explains it.
?So...what is it? And why is it wrapped in little packets like food?!? I don?t like being tricked.
?Those are...Onee-san?s...things.?
?Things??
?Things.? Thanks, boy, that cleared up EVERYTHING.
?What KIND of ?things,? brat??
?The kind of things you don?t touch! Put ?em back right now ? she?ll kill you if she finds out!?
?But...?
?I?M HOME!?
Shit. Will she really get that angry? The boy looks like he?s going to wet himself...maybe I should...
?Hello, Souta, Inuyasha...are you hungry? I?m absolutely starving and...what?s going on? Is something wrong, Souta??
?Nuhnuhnuhnnno, Onee-san...I?m not really hungry ? I gotta go ? bye!?
Traitor. Good thing I?ve got my hands behind my back. She looks suspicious, though...this can?t be good.
?Inuyasha, did something happen to Souta in school today??
?No.?
Shit, she?s noticed that I'm hiding something...
?Inuyasha, what do you have in your hands??
?NOTHING!?
?I-Nu-Ya-Shaaaaaa-?
Shit shit shit shit shit...she?s going to say it. Should I show her? But then she?ll really sit me! But since I?ll fall on my face ? stupid necklace throws me off balance ? she?ll see anyway! So, should I show her now and...
?OSUWARI!!!?
Ouch...shit...damn that bitch...damn her STRAIGHT to Hell...
?Inuyasha...are those my tampons??
What?s with the tiny voice? What?s SHE embarrassed about? And where are the flames, the thunder, the lightning, the instant death I was promised???
?I don?t know, you tell me! And, while you?re at it, maybe you can tell me what kind of stupid human food this is!?
Is she laughing? It?s kind of hard to tell when she?s leaning over my back like that...
Yes, the bitch is laughing.
?What the Hell is so damn funny, woman??
?Well...you see...tampons are...Oh, who cares. You?re probably immune to embarrassment about this kind of thing. Human guys get so hung up on it, you know? If you ever want to clear all the Y chromosomes out of a room, all you have to do is say, ?Tampon.? Boom. ?Bomb!? in airport kind of thing, right??
What?
?Anyway, they?re tampons. I use them to stop the blood when I get my period. We don?t want every demon in Japan to smell me, and I figure they mask the scent better than pads.?
Blood? Period? Smell?
SHIT.
?You mean you use those to...when you?re...?
?Yep.?
Definitely not hungry any more.
~fin~
*drawers ? I don?t think they had drawers in Feudal Japan, although I?m probably wrong.
Oi...hope you weren?t completely grossed out by that. I think that most of us are girls here, right? I don?t know, I thought it was funny...
I have an idea for another one ? do you think it would be worth the time to write/read a fic about Inuyasha and an Internet Purity Test? With Souta administering, of course... I also have a plot in mind for a more serious fic (although not nearly as serious as ?Smells Like Heaven?), but that will take a long time, as I want it to be more polished than a humor short like this one. Should I bother with the Purity Test fic, or just get started on ?Puppy Love?? Thanks for any pointers!
Ok...I can?t believe I?m posting something else. I actually just got the idea today...I was in a weird mood. I thought it might be nice to have something funny to balance things after ?Smells Like Heaven,? but this may have gone a tiny bit too far...It?s really more bizarre than funny. Hope you don?t hate it...or hate me for writing it...That being said:
~Adventures in Modern Conveniences~
I?m hungry.
Damn it, where is that wench? ?Inuyasha, I need to go home. I need to go to school. I need, I need, I need,? keh! What I need is FOOD, woman!
That does it. She must have food somewhere in her room ? maybe there?s ramen in one of these rollout boxes!*
Clothes.
Clothes.
WHAT THE HELL???
Shit! Why would one woman need so much clothing? Sure, they get torn and bloody back home, but doesn?t she know how to repair her own things? Damn careless, heartless weakling.
YES!!! FOOD!!!
Ok, I don?t know what it is, but it?s wrapped in that thin shiny stuff that sticks to your hands, just like the other snacks she brings home from this place. There are lots of them in this blue bag, too...she won?t be too mad if I just eat a few, right? Ah, who cares? She?ll just have to deal ? teach her to leave me waiting for her while she screws around at school...not literally! Kagome does not screw around...does she? OF COURSE NOT! I would smell it on her, damn it! Besides, she?s not that kind of girl. She?s good. NOT THAT WAY! Not that I would think about her that way. Ever.
Oh. Right. Food.
FOOD!!!
...
Hmm...this is very strange food. It doesn?t even smell like food...but humans have such weak noses that much of their new food doesn?t right. This is sort of crunchy on the outside, but in a splintery kind of way. Doesn?t really taste good...doesn?t really have a taste at all...and the filling has a very strange texture...kind of fuzzy, actually. Ick. I wonder if I can even get it down...
Nope. No way that thing?s going down.
Maybe I just got a bad one...guess not. The next six are exactly the same. What?s wrong with this food?
?I?M HOME!?
Sigh...only the kid. Wait, would he know?
?Eh, Souta!?
?Coming!?
...
As slow as his freakin? sister...
?What is it, Inu-no-niichan?...WHAT ARE YOU DOING????
Hmm...I?ve seen that look before...when I almost told Kagome her medicine was made with raw liver...
?What does it look like I?m doing? I?m trying to eat!?
?But...you...you can?t eat that!?
?Why not??
?It isn?t food!?
Ah. That explains it.
?So...what is it? And why is it wrapped in little packets like food?!? I don?t like being tricked.
?Those are...Onee-san?s...things.?
?Things??
?Things.? Thanks, boy, that cleared up EVERYTHING.
?What KIND of ?things,? brat??
?The kind of things you don?t touch! Put ?em back right now ? she?ll kill you if she finds out!?
?But...?
?I?M HOME!?
Shit. Will she really get that angry? The boy looks like he?s going to wet himself...maybe I should...
?Hello, Souta, Inuyasha...are you hungry? I?m absolutely starving and...what?s going on? Is something wrong, Souta??
?Nuhnuhnuhnnno, Onee-san...I?m not really hungry ? I gotta go ? bye!?
Traitor. Good thing I?ve got my hands behind my back. She looks suspicious, though...this can?t be good.
?Inuyasha, did something happen to Souta in school today??
?No.?
Shit, she?s noticed that I'm hiding something...
?Inuyasha, what do you have in your hands??
?NOTHING!?
?I-Nu-Ya-Shaaaaaa-?
Shit shit shit shit shit...she?s going to say it. Should I show her? But then she?ll really sit me! But since I?ll fall on my face ? stupid necklace throws me off balance ? she?ll see anyway! So, should I show her now and...
?OSUWARI!!!?
Ouch...shit...damn that bitch...damn her STRAIGHT to Hell...
?Inuyasha...are those my tampons??
What?s with the tiny voice? What?s SHE embarrassed about? And where are the flames, the thunder, the lightning, the instant death I was promised???
?I don?t know, you tell me! And, while you?re at it, maybe you can tell me what kind of stupid human food this is!?
Is she laughing? It?s kind of hard to tell when she?s leaning over my back like that...
Yes, the bitch is laughing.
?What the Hell is so damn funny, woman??
?Well...you see...tampons are...Oh, who cares. You?re probably immune to embarrassment about this kind of thing. Human guys get so hung up on it, you know? If you ever want to clear all the Y chromosomes out of a room, all you have to do is say, ?Tampon.? Boom. ?Bomb!? in airport kind of thing, right??
What?
?Anyway, they?re tampons. I use them to stop the blood when I get my period. We don?t want every demon in Japan to smell me, and I figure they mask the scent better than pads.?
Blood? Period? Smell?
SHIT.
?You mean you use those to...when you?re...?
?Yep.?
Definitely not hungry any more.
~fin~
*drawers ? I don?t think they had drawers in Feudal Japan, although I?m probably wrong.
Oi...hope you weren?t completely grossed out by that. I think that most of us are girls here, right? I don?t know, I thought it was funny...
I have an idea for another one ? do you think it would be worth the time to write/read a fic about Inuyasha and an Internet Purity Test? With Souta administering, of course... I also have a plot in mind for a more serious fic (although not nearly as serious as ?Smells Like Heaven?), but that will take a long time, as I want it to be more polished than a humor short like this one. Should I bother with the Purity Test fic, or just get started on ?Puppy Love?? Thanks for any pointers!
:eek: 
