Losing Grip: It Doesn't Matter
Posted: Sun Feb 23, 2003 4:57 pm
Losing Grip: It Doesn?t Matter
By: The Engrish Spy
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I do not own It Doesn?t Matter by Allison Krauss and Station Street and I don?t own Gundam Wing. The good people at Bandi and Sunrise own it.
-- What is it like to be a woman?
I was not entirely sure what drove me to Relena that day. Sure there was the need to be satisfied, but as I look back I know there was something else. I do not know what I was doing in her office? It was just that she looked different, there was something about the way she was dressed. The way her hair was combed, the way she gave off a lovely scent. There was something there that Gwen did not have. Sure Gwen was prettier, athletic, and would in any case give Relena a run for her money. But still what was I doing there that day? There was that something I could not place about Relena that made me do what I did.
I was too absorbed in my own thoughts as we lay together on that couch. I could hear her cry my name, and so bad I wanted to cry hers but I could not separate Relena from Gwen. Gwen was the first thing on my mind and I let it slip. I let her name slip out while I made love to Relena. I remember my last thoughts before drifting off to sleep were, ?was she a virgin??
The blood on my thighs, when I awoke from my sleep, told me she was and that was that. I figured that I would be transferred to another diplomats care but I was not, I was just put on regular duty. I was told to stay out of the Vice Foreign Ministers sight. Not that it mattered to me, I was only protecting her. I went on the first vacations of my life after the incident. There was too much to think about after the events that transpired.
When I was able to ask Gwen on a date I found out that I had been beaten to the punch. Gwen had been dating a member of Duo?s staff for over six months and had only gotten engaged to be married over a week ago. She handed me an invitation and wished me a good day. I looked at the piece of gilded white paper in my hands. I crumbled it up and tossed it in the trash.
-----------------------------------
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
don?t matter if I bleed
You've been on a road
don?t know where it goes or where it leads
-----------------------------------
What is life? I ask that of myself every day. What is life to me? Not much if I let a woman kill a baby. I let a woman who prided herself on peace to kill a child. But it was her choice. It was her body. Some times I kick myself.
Those times when I did watch her sleep in the mental ward, she would murmur things. Things I think she never wanted me to hear. She told me her problems in her sleep. It was the only time the repressed Relena could escape. It was there I learned of my misdeeds, or so I was told by Duo.
I had let it slip to him that on one of my visits to Relena she had whispered in her sleep that I called Gwen?s name during our convergence of bodies. Hilde, who had been puttering around the kitchen while Duo and I talked, gave me a black eye after I mentioned that I had murmured Gwen?s name during sexual encounter. She then proceeded to scold me about hurting Relena?s feelings and then she called me a cold, heartless, bastard and then left the room. Later on Duo socked me one in the gut. He told me it was payment for the Eve wars but I knew he was doing it for Relena. Everybody loved Relena, I just did not. Or so I kept telling myself.
-----------------------------------
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay
you?ve been in a cage
Throw you to the wind you fly away
------------------------------
You find yourself quickly when you are confronted with a life or death situation. I never had that. I blame the training I received. It never took a fight or a bomb threat to realize that I was in love with Relena. It was not the kind of love that Duo keeps suggesting to me, it was more of ?You?re my best friend so I love you like family?. That took almost another year to rebuild. By her twenty third birthday I was friends, wary friends, but friends once again. This time our relationship was better, for one she got me to talk more. We would talk over the telephone. When ever I was on earth or she was on the moon, we got together and had dinner or go see a game of basketball, she thoroughly enjoyed a game of basketball. I found out more about Relena and if you saw us together you would think we were a happy couple. But was that what I needed?
Did I need a friendship to sustain life? According to Duo and the others I did. I could care less. I was alone. I remember a conversation with Relena the night of my ordained twenty third birthday. She had come up to the moon for a party that Duo was holding for me. It was more of ?let?s all go out to the bar and get drunk? type of night. I was wary but I let Relena drag me to the bar and let Duo force the beer and tequila down my throat. She took me home that night and put me to bed. The last thing I remembered before I fell asleep was the soft kiss she place on my forehead and the mummer of ?I still love you no matter what you do to me, even kill me.? I felt guilty in the morning.
-----------------------------------
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
doesn?t matter if I bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years
---------------------------------
I continued to feel guilty as the days passed. I could tell Relena was getting better. But with every forced smile and every forced laugh, I felt the weight of guilt begin to wear on me. I could tell that the laughs and smiles were fake and she knew that I knew. She laughed and smiled for me. She wanted me to live. But I did not want her to continue on like this so I pulled my trusted 45 from the locked cabinet in my house and went to see her on earth. I wanted her to end my life so she could feel happier, so she could live again.
TBC?
By: The Engrish Spy
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I do not own It Doesn?t Matter by Allison Krauss and Station Street and I don?t own Gundam Wing. The good people at Bandi and Sunrise own it.
-- What is it like to be a woman?
I was not entirely sure what drove me to Relena that day. Sure there was the need to be satisfied, but as I look back I know there was something else. I do not know what I was doing in her office? It was just that she looked different, there was something about the way she was dressed. The way her hair was combed, the way she gave off a lovely scent. There was something there that Gwen did not have. Sure Gwen was prettier, athletic, and would in any case give Relena a run for her money. But still what was I doing there that day? There was that something I could not place about Relena that made me do what I did.
I was too absorbed in my own thoughts as we lay together on that couch. I could hear her cry my name, and so bad I wanted to cry hers but I could not separate Relena from Gwen. Gwen was the first thing on my mind and I let it slip. I let her name slip out while I made love to Relena. I remember my last thoughts before drifting off to sleep were, ?was she a virgin??
The blood on my thighs, when I awoke from my sleep, told me she was and that was that. I figured that I would be transferred to another diplomats care but I was not, I was just put on regular duty. I was told to stay out of the Vice Foreign Ministers sight. Not that it mattered to me, I was only protecting her. I went on the first vacations of my life after the incident. There was too much to think about after the events that transpired.
When I was able to ask Gwen on a date I found out that I had been beaten to the punch. Gwen had been dating a member of Duo?s staff for over six months and had only gotten engaged to be married over a week ago. She handed me an invitation and wished me a good day. I looked at the piece of gilded white paper in my hands. I crumbled it up and tossed it in the trash.
-----------------------------------
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
don?t matter if I bleed
You've been on a road
don?t know where it goes or where it leads
-----------------------------------
What is life? I ask that of myself every day. What is life to me? Not much if I let a woman kill a baby. I let a woman who prided herself on peace to kill a child. But it was her choice. It was her body. Some times I kick myself.
Those times when I did watch her sleep in the mental ward, she would murmur things. Things I think she never wanted me to hear. She told me her problems in her sleep. It was the only time the repressed Relena could escape. It was there I learned of my misdeeds, or so I was told by Duo.
I had let it slip to him that on one of my visits to Relena she had whispered in her sleep that I called Gwen?s name during our convergence of bodies. Hilde, who had been puttering around the kitchen while Duo and I talked, gave me a black eye after I mentioned that I had murmured Gwen?s name during sexual encounter. She then proceeded to scold me about hurting Relena?s feelings and then she called me a cold, heartless, bastard and then left the room. Later on Duo socked me one in the gut. He told me it was payment for the Eve wars but I knew he was doing it for Relena. Everybody loved Relena, I just did not. Or so I kept telling myself.
-----------------------------------
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay
you?ve been in a cage
Throw you to the wind you fly away
------------------------------
You find yourself quickly when you are confronted with a life or death situation. I never had that. I blame the training I received. It never took a fight or a bomb threat to realize that I was in love with Relena. It was not the kind of love that Duo keeps suggesting to me, it was more of ?You?re my best friend so I love you like family?. That took almost another year to rebuild. By her twenty third birthday I was friends, wary friends, but friends once again. This time our relationship was better, for one she got me to talk more. We would talk over the telephone. When ever I was on earth or she was on the moon, we got together and had dinner or go see a game of basketball, she thoroughly enjoyed a game of basketball. I found out more about Relena and if you saw us together you would think we were a happy couple. But was that what I needed?
Did I need a friendship to sustain life? According to Duo and the others I did. I could care less. I was alone. I remember a conversation with Relena the night of my ordained twenty third birthday. She had come up to the moon for a party that Duo was holding for me. It was more of ?let?s all go out to the bar and get drunk? type of night. I was wary but I let Relena drag me to the bar and let Duo force the beer and tequila down my throat. She took me home that night and put me to bed. The last thing I remembered before I fell asleep was the soft kiss she place on my forehead and the mummer of ?I still love you no matter what you do to me, even kill me.? I felt guilty in the morning.
-----------------------------------
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
doesn?t matter if I bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years
---------------------------------
I continued to feel guilty as the days passed. I could tell Relena was getting better. But with every forced smile and every forced laugh, I felt the weight of guilt begin to wear on me. I could tell that the laughs and smiles were fake and she knew that I knew. She laughed and smiled for me. She wanted me to live. But I did not want her to continue on like this so I pulled my trusted 45 from the locked cabinet in my house and went to see her on earth. I wanted her to end my life so she could feel happier, so she could live again.
TBC?