Fall to Ashes - Final Chapter - by Coley Merrin
Posted: Sun Jan 05, 2003 2:20 am
So many thanks to everyone who has stuck with this fic from the start. Miaka... where would this have been without you? I'm being brave and trying posting for myself for once. ^_^ Thanks everyone!!
Fall to Ashes
Final Chapter
By Coley Merrin
Relena sighed into her cup of tea. Time was whizzing at its normal speed but that didn't mean she didn't have time to be lonely. The strong, rambunctious life inside her was a comfort, and so were her friends, but when the days grew long she longed for the sanctuary of Heero's arms.
Her hand rubbed absently at her full, round abdomen. He was a link to Heero... this little boy. Every time she thought about her child she found herself praying for his well being... both of them. Her fist clenched in surprise as a pain lanced across her stomach. She frowned. Her due date wasn't for at least another week and a half. She settled back to wait, and it happened again. So he was impatient as well. With fingers trembling with fear and anticipation she dialed Duo and Hilde.
***
"You got it?" Duo asked anxiously, staring at Hilde's jean-clad rear as she attempted to wrench the drain into working from under their oddly shaped, drain-in-the-middle tub. She grunted at him, and he grinned in a mixture sheepishness and appreciation... with a dash of guilt mixed in. Her dainty fingers and body were perfect for getting into the confined space... and he was helping as best he could with tools. Just with a bit of male appreciation thrown in for good measure.
She cursed as the vid-phone beeped, causing her to bite the tongue that, after watching Duo do it countless times, was trying to peek out to "help" her along.
"Get the phone," she said sweetly.
"Aye aye ma'am," he said, pushing off of the same backside he'd been admiring. Even in such a position such as she was, and not being able to see, he yelped as she kicked his leg with deadly accuracy.
"Hey, Relena," he chirped, still nursing his leg. Hilde scooted out immediately as he said Relena's name. "How you doin'?"
"I think it's time," she said pensively. He frowned at the screen, staring at her wide-eyed face in a bit of confusion.
"Time for what?"
"Idiot man," Hilde said from off screen. "Baby time."
He gaped.
"But...It's... early!?
"Did anyone expect less from Heero's kid?" Hilde said, pushing him to the side. He gaped at her. "We'll be there in a minute, Relena."
Relena gave them a relieved smile before disconnecting.
"Baby?" he queried still in shock.
"Baby. Relena's having a baby, and we're taking her to the hospital. What's wrong, Duo? Did I kick you too hard?"
"Already? Isn't it too soon?"
"Just in time."
***
"Hey! He's got everything he should and in all the right places!" Duo chortled. He was now well over his initial shock. It had been midday when she had gone into labor, and the hours had slipped continually away until, in the early morning hours, after much intense hand squeezing and yelling, the child was born. Duo felt like he?d been through a ringer, his hand felt limp like he?d shook the hands of a thousand men, and as he accepted the little bundle from the nurse he was almost beyond the realm of sensible thought.
"Perfect," Relena whispered to him, smiling even though she felt almost too tired to do that. Had it been 14 hours? 16? The hours had been so long she couldn?t quite remember what it was like to *not* be in labor, in some form of pain.
"Wouldn't expect anything less that perfection from Heero's kid," Duo blinked even as the words left his mouth. "That?s still a scary thought. At least he got half his genes from you. Let's go see your mom, shall we? That way she can get a look at you and not take my word for it."
Relena smiled at how Duo addressed the blanket wrapped figure as if he expected him to answer. Then he came to her side and laid the baby in her arms. Such a small red face. A tiny fist pressed against his cheek.
"Decided on a name?"
Oh she had looked. Name books hither and yon had passed before her anxious eyes. There was only time in a matter of months to decide after all! She had fallen upon her choice quite by accident, maybe only days before. In this world of names, the ethnic origin of a name was almost meaningless. His middle name from a name she had fancied as a child, and his first from a book... a Japanese dictionary no less. Heero had not embraced his Japanese heritage, had never had the opportunity to. He had knowledge of the language. Everyone knew this from his occasional muttering, and the fact he carried around books that looked like clever scribblings to everyone else. This baby was a piece of Heero, his legacy to the world. It seemed right to give their son a part of that heritage.
"Ryoku," she replied softly. "Strength. Our strength. Ryoku Scott Yuy."
"Ryo," Duo said immediately shortening it. "Nice ta meet ya, buddy. I bet your dad'd be real proud."
Blinking back tears, she kissed the newly nicknamed Ryo's forehead. "Would he, Duo?"
"I may have doubted him in the past,? Duo admitted, ?but if it's one thing I'm sure of, Heero could never deny your kid. He might have a barrier around his feelings like the old wall of China, but even he couldn't resist this little guy."
Relena knew it in her heart, but this type of fear wasn?t often rational. The fear of rejection, the fear of loss, the fear of him not coming back...
"Do you feel like seeing people?? he asked, gesturing to the hall. ?I know Hilde's probably about to blow a gasket waiting to see you. It's ok if you want to rest, just wondering."
"Sure, for a little bit,? she agreed. No matter how tired she was, she couldn?t pass up the opportunity to see her friend. Someone who would be able to somehow relate to her, if not in experience.
A minute later Hilde had entered the room, beaming, already energized by Duo's congratulatory hug.
"How are you?" she asked, walking closer to get her first look at the first child of any of the gundam pilots.
"Tired. Sore. Ecstatic."
"I bet. So this is Ryo?" He was so small, but then again big if one thought about actually giving birth to him. His little head was covered with a blue cap to keep warm, his eyes tightly shut as he was thrust so cruelly into this unfamiliar world.
"This is Ryo," Relena confirmed with a smile.
"Poor child getting dubbed already. You should have heard Duo. He was running around the waiting room shaking stranger's hands telling them about this 7lb. 5oz. wonder named Ryo Yuy. I don?t think he could have been more ecstatic if Ryo were actually related."
"I don't know what I would have done without you two."
"You would have survived, because you?re like that. But I'm glad we were able to be there. He's so beautiful. Think he'll look like Heero?"
"If he looks the slightest bit like Heero I'm locking him in his room till he's 20," Relena said, laughing.
"A good plan. He might not like it though."
Duo popped through the door just then.
"Hey, I found some more!"
The next person through the door was Sally, being towed along by Duo's hand. She looked contrite and somewhat embarrassed.
"We were going to stop in and see how you were doing. We can't stay long," she explained, leaning against the door jamb. "I'm sure you must be tired."
The ?we? must include Wufei, Relena mused, although it didn't appear that he was with her.
"I'm tired, but...it's so worth it."
"I hope to find out someday."
Both Sally and Relena looked to Hilde then. She'd taken the baby Ryoku, and had been cooing at him until Duo's entrance. Now, with her head still tipped down towards Relena's son, her eyes were closed and her cheeks were turning pink. The reason for that was clear, as Duo was beside her, his arm around her shoulders and his face next to hers, taking up cooing where she'd left off. Sally and Relena shared a smile. They were totally oblivious.
Relena gasped with the woman still by the door as Sally suddenly stood straight, her eyes widening. Then she turned slightly, casting a look at the hand on her shoulder and then to the man who appeared behind her. It always amused Relena to see them together, although she knew they weren't *together* in that sense of the word. Wufei was a good couple inches taller than her now, and they generally seemed attached at the hip. Sally wished to be a mother someday, but Relena knew that there was only one man she wished would see her. Not that Sally had made any overt signals to the fact. But still Wufei seemed as oblivious to that as Duo and Hilde seemed to be about each other. The only reason Relena knew for sure was because Sally had confided in her, as she had confided in Sally about Heero.
"Would you warn me before you do that?" she muttered.
"We can't stay," Wufei said, unknowingly repeating Sally's earlier words and ignoring her current ones. "How is everything?"
"Wonderful. Thank you."
Sally beckoned him along with her as they walked over to Duo and Hilde. Duo moved slightly to allow them closer, but didn't remove his arm.
"Would you like to hold him?" Relena directed at Sally, not knowing whether or not Wufei had any great desire to hold a baby.
She hesitated.
"You know you want to," Wufei told her gruffly, "go on."
She took him easily, more on instinct and memory than real experience. Her medical training hadn't included a whole lot of maternity prep, although in a pinch she knew she would be better than your average person off the street. She couldn't, didn't want to, keep her lips from curving as the baby yawned widely and tucked his fist closer. She was aware of Wufei hovering over her shoulder.
"Want to hold him?" Sally asked.
"Oh," he looked shocked. "I don't think that would be best."
"Don't you want to?"
"I don't think..."
"Afraid of a tiny baby," she scoffed, teasingly.
Still protesting he accepted the surprisingly light, and heavy, bundle. She had to hold back a smile as she took back her hands. He seemed unwilling to turn his head, as if the slightest movement would cause the child to break. He showed more caution than she had ever seen from him. A strong man brought to his knees by a defenseless child.
"Babies are pretty resilient, Wufei. I promise he won't break," she assured him.
"He's...small," Wufei said stiffly.
"It's nature's way of being kind to women. We can't bring them into the world walking and talking, after all. That's what we have men for."
He scowled at her wink, catching her jab and not appreciating it.
"Ooh, she got you there!" Duo chuckled.
"Look, Maxwell, make remarks like that while you may, just wait till you have your own..."
Wufei stopped mid-sentence, staring wide-eyed at the tiny Ryo who had just sneezed. Having mercy on the poor man who thought he'd done something wrong, Sally took the baby back and gave the blanket wrapped bundle to Relena who accepted him readily.
"You didn't do anything wrong," Sally said.
Wufei accepted her words, but still felt more confidant now that Ryo was back with Relena and he wasn't responsible for doing, or not doing, the right thing while holding him.
***
Duo Maxwell was an enigma, Hilde mused, as she followed him to a portion of the fenced off garden. It was a secluded place near the hospital, where they had been the past few hours awaiting the arrival of Heero and Relena's first child. Duo's personality shone bright as a star, warming her, drawing her. And yet he was a mystery too, some underlying layer of pain, some level of being ready to die, but yet still being afraid and unwilling to. The sweet promise she saw in his smile, and the way he sometimes said her name kept her longing alive for something beyond this unbreakable bond of friendship they had formed.
They stood in silence, taking in the scent of the crisp, early morning air. He was still then, just breathing, allowing her the opportunity to observe him. There had been so much fear in him on the way to the hospital. It was obvious the kinship he felt towards the other pilots. Oh, maybe it hadn't been there totally at first, but he would be the first to greet them and offer a place to stay when their lives happened to bring them into the area. Heero by default fell under Duo's territory, living in the same town and working in the same building. Getting to know Relena both through stints on guard duty, and out of the simple curiosity to find out how the relationship between her and Heero worked. Or, non-relationship as he had described it to her. "Dysfunctional!" he'd complained. "They need a clue." But because Relena played such a role in Heero's life, he had taken her into his as well. Hilde smiled to see his hands grasp the railing, still slightly shaking. He had such a big heart, so much to give.
"How was it being there when the baby was born?" Hilde asked, knowing he would want to talk about it.
Duo was aware of her eyes on him, but couldn't joke. "It was amazing. Can't say it was pretty, but they let me cut the cord, and after they'd shined him up a bit, got him all wrapped up in the blanket, I was amazed." And quite proud, he thought. As a friend of both Heero and Relena's it was an honor to stand in for Heero, especially since he knew how much Heero would have wanted to be there himself. But Heero was in space, and Duo was on earth...with Hilde. "It was a miracle. A real life miracle. Something a guy like me doesn't get to see very often."
"Me either. I'm glad you were there," she said echoing the earnestness of his tone.
"Me too, me too," he answered back, staring up at the shades of pink that warmed the morning sky. "What were you doing all that time?"
Hilde shuffled her feet. "Climbing the walls and drinking endless cups of coffee. Everyone was looking at me as if I were nuts. Normally it's the man antsy in the waiting room."
He smirked at her, seeing the opportunity she'd presented for him to tease her. He shook his head trying to distance himself from the wistful feeling that had taken hold of him as he looked at her in the growing light. They were friends, just friends. He'd never kissed her, and she'd never hinted that she wanted to be kissed. Why did he have to wish for so much more?
"Never let it be said you're normal." His response was strained as he tried to hold back his chuckle.
"Thanks Duo!" she exclaimed, reaching out and slapping his upper arm.
"No problem." Again the silence grew between them before Duo ran a hand through his bangs. "Agh, Heero has a kid before I do. What kind of injustice is that?"
Hilde stifled a giggle behind her hand and looked off into the distance. "Well, he also has a wife."
"As if I'd forgotten. Makes me feel old." Duo pulled up the end of his braid and mockingly checked for any gray hairs.
"And then what am I?"
Dropping his braid, he flashed her one of his infamous smiles and winked. "As old as me." The mischievous gleam left his eyes and he turned back to stare at the sky. "Seriously...no wife, no kids..."
"Seriously...no husband, no kids."
"No family," they said together.
Turning towards each other they grinned.
Hilde reached out, gave his hand a gentle squeeze and then tucked her arms around herself. "You're all I've got, Duo."
"Same here. But we're lucky...for having no one, we've got quite a few people to watch our backs."
"Yeah, we do."
Sighing, Duo rested his chin in his propped up hands. "And still we're old and childless together."
The long day made that seem impossibly funny. They laughed till their sides hurt, leaning against each other for balance. They laughed at each other, for each other, because of each other. The smile never left Duo's face, and before she had any time to react he had kissed her and pulled back. It'd been swift and hard and glorious. She gaped at him.
What had possessed him to kiss her? The image of her in the delivery room, cradling Heero's child, had wiped out all other people from the room, causing him to see her and the baby, projecting them into a different life, where Hilde was his, and the baby...his son. But it suddenly hit him that it didn't *have* to be a different life. What had Heero once told him? Not to let Hilde get away? That had been almost 9 months before. Now he stood in front of Hilde, not believing he had just kissed the girl, the woman, in front of him. She'd been there for him, even before she'd had any real reason to trust him, and she'd stayed. Stayed longer than anyone ever had. Did he love her? With all he had.
Her eyes were huge, and he watched as they drifted shut as his lips brushed hers again. She pressed back against him, keeping the contact, and gasping as his tongue swept over her bottom lip. Instantly she allowed him access, her arms moving around his neck so her fingers could burrow in the plaits of his hair, holding him close. Her tongue fought with his, meeting him head on, giving back everything he gave to her. Moaning her discontent, she fought against the hands that held her hips, preventing her the contact with his body she desired.
"Duo," she breathed as their lips parted slightly. They stayed like that, faces close, breath mingling, noses brushing the others cheek, just breathing.
"How long," he began, his lips against hers with every movement, "has this been going on?"
Humming lowly she moved finally, sliding her cheek along his, until she was close to his ear.
"You mean..." she paused, wondering at the husky quality of her own voice, "how long have I been in love with you?"
His shoulders stiffened under her arms. Maybe from shock that she had come out so bluntly about it? As she pondered it, he relaxed, sliding his hands from her hips to her lower back, guiding her up and into his warmth.
"I'd like to know that answer," he replied in a deep voice that sent shivers through her.
"I couldn't say exactly, but I know it's been quite a while. Years."
"I think I could say the same."
"Duo?"
He pulled her back then, her arms still around his neck, but he wanted to see her, wanted her to know the truth in his words.
"I love you, Hilde. Like I have never loved another person. I need you with me. I want..." he chuckled softly, looking down, "I want that to be us in the delivery room. I wanna be with you forever. I...can't even imagine how I could lose you, and still survive."
"Duo?" she breathed wonderingly.
"Marry me, Hilde? Be with me forever?"
***
Duo entered the room with a soft knock. The ceiling light was on, giving just enough light to see well, but not enough to hurt the baby's eyes, or impair the rest of the mother. Relena lay still, looking blissful in her rest and he knew the last thing he wanted to do was wake her after her long day. He tiptoed quietly to the clear sided bassinet, smiling down at the sleeping baby. The small body was dressed in light blue pajamas, his back resting up against a rolled up blanket to keep him from laying on his back.
"Looks pretty comfy there," he said softly, almost whispering. "Hope to have a couple like you running around some day. You've got it pretty lucky there, you know. Eat and sleep and mom are your only worries. Must be kinda blissful that way. Hilde says I act about your age when she's really mad.
"Speaking of Hilde... She agreed to marry me. Yeah, that's right, you'll have a real aunt and uncle now. I can't believe it, I just...just had to tell someone, little buddy, and it looks like you're it. Who knew, you know? Your dad told me to tell her a long time ago, and doesn't seem like I listened till now. Because you were born. Guess he told me again, eh? You're a part of him, after all. Better go before your mom wakes up, ok? Let her sleep a bit like a good boy. I'll be seeing you soon, take care of yourself."
Duo moved to the door, exiting quietly. His thoughts centered on Hilde, who was waiting for him. Who knew? he pondered again. Who could have guessed they'd end up like this? So deep was he in his thoughts he missed the smile on Relena's face. It seemed more than one miracle had occurred that day. One the gift of life, the other of love.
***
Heero sat silently, peering out into the depth of space. There was the earth, their home, the light from the sun around it dimming the stars behind it. Absently his thumb rubbed at a smudge obscuring his view. Resting his chin on the knee he had pulled to his chest, he sighed. It wasn?t good for him to be idle, it gave him far too much time to think of things best left alone.
He jerked slightly as Sally entered the room, walking to sit facing him on the window seat. She looked out at the same view he had been staring at before considering him thoughtfully.
?You?re missing her, aren?t you?? she asked.
It was that obvious? He thought bitterly. At one time his whole reasoning for marrying her had been to keep her safe. Sure, then in some way he would possess her. She would be ?his woman.? He stole a guilty look at Sally to make sure she wasn?t reading his possessive thoughts towards one of her sister women.
He?d never expected that in a matter of days, and the weeks leading up to the day of his proposal, that feelings would swim to the surface. With a sweet acceptance, and sweeter first kiss at their wedding, combined with Duo?s insight, by the time he had left the next morning he had tied himself to her. Did he miss her? Certainly. Would he be better off not? It would be easier by far if he didn?t. The innocent joy he had found sleeping with her beside him was too much. So hurtful to dwell on, but fueling his desire to return.
?You said it,? he said finally.
?And I?m not stupid.?
He made a sound suspiciously close to a snort. No one stupid would have been able to do the things she had done in the wars. And so very few would have accepted the pilots as she had. As both a woman and a person she had seen right through the barrier he had put up around his loneliness. It seemed so very odd to him to have even that small number of people surrounding him that knew him so well.
?I didn?t expect it to be like this,? he said.
?No one does,? she explained, sighing on the inside. She and Wufei had come almost directly from Relena?s hospital room, never telling Relena where they were headed. They had agreed between them that it was not their place to tell Heero of his son. The timing was such that they could very well be around Heero for years, but they were resolved. It was all they could do to be there for Heero.
?How...? he stopped, drew a breath. ?How is she??
?She?s doing well.? How much could she say without making his feelings worse? ?She misses you.?
?I don?t think it will be soon,? he said abruptly, ?I think it could be longer than anyone realized.?
?I know. But Duo and Hilde are near her. She?s not along. And you know you can talk to Wufei or I any time. Heero, I mean that.?
He nodded slightly.
Feeling the serious mood of the conversation had passed, she narrowed her eyes at Heero. ?For whatever reason you?ve been teaching Wufei to curse in Japanese. He?s taking great pleasure in slyly displaying his proficiency in English, Chinese, and Japanese.?
?You pick things up.?
She had to laugh. ?Next time he forgets to duck through a door, I?ll send him to you so you can curse together.?
He smirked. It would be easier with people he knew nearby. He was never so glad that Hilde and Duo would be there for her, that they were *close* and on earth. Some part of him said that he wanted to be there, only him. It was so unclear to him why he had such a longing to leave. He never thought it would affect him, not in his wildest dreams. There was no lie that he could tell himself to hope that the time would be easy, not on either of them.
***
Relena smiled at the bundle in her arms. Ryo had finally fallen asleep. He had a double does dose of both her's and Heero's stubbornness. It felt so right, so perfect, this child snuggled in her arms, against her breast, safe with his mother. How her heart ached for Heero, wishing he could see his son, to maybe feel the power, the fear, the joy that caring for your very own child caused.
She laid her cheek against the baby's downy head, taking in the scent of power, the scent that was now uniquely his.
"I love you, Ryo," she whispered. Turning to the window, she stared up into the stars. Once Heero had come to her from out there in that darkness, but now it had taken him away. "And I love you, Heero."
Her hand pressed against the glass as if she could feel, touch, the light of those faraway objects that filtered through the thin atmosphere. As if that would bring her closer to Heero. Maybe they were just balls of gas, barely worth a second notice when you considered the vastness of the space around it. But he was out there with them. Tears welled up as Ryo shifted against her.
"Please be careful," she whispered, still mindful of her sleeping son, "Please..." A tear, warm and lonely, spilled to trace her cheek. "Please come back to us."
***
The end... for now...
And a preview of the next story...
***
As a phoenix rising,
so our love will live again.
From the flames of fear and longing,
uncaring of what might have been.
***
Nearly five years have passed. The top secret mission assigned to Heero by the Preventers has ended, mending the lengthy breach of communication it brought about. Only now the world he returns to is not the one that he left. He is forced to face feelings he thought he had come to terms with. Relena, having never reclaimed her place in politics, begins to show him a world where they can be free together. That Heero Yuy can be husband, friend... father. But this bliss that they discover is not to be. This time not a war, or a mission to tear them apart, but something nearer and dearer to their hearts.
***
It's the pain you feel first. It consumes as fire does paper, turning everything inside into the finest ash, dead, lifeless. There is simply nothing left to hurt, you are hollow but for the ashes, and there will be no phoenix to rise from them. You have no hope, you have no meaning, you have no peace.
The world that you see through this soul is tainted, awash in a sea of misery, clinging falsely to a dream that will never be a reality. You have lived that dream, but for a moment. A blissful moment ended with a reflection staring back at you, cold as ice.
***
Phoenix Rising
Fall to Ashes
Final Chapter
By Coley Merrin
Relena sighed into her cup of tea. Time was whizzing at its normal speed but that didn't mean she didn't have time to be lonely. The strong, rambunctious life inside her was a comfort, and so were her friends, but when the days grew long she longed for the sanctuary of Heero's arms.
Her hand rubbed absently at her full, round abdomen. He was a link to Heero... this little boy. Every time she thought about her child she found herself praying for his well being... both of them. Her fist clenched in surprise as a pain lanced across her stomach. She frowned. Her due date wasn't for at least another week and a half. She settled back to wait, and it happened again. So he was impatient as well. With fingers trembling with fear and anticipation she dialed Duo and Hilde.
***
"You got it?" Duo asked anxiously, staring at Hilde's jean-clad rear as she attempted to wrench the drain into working from under their oddly shaped, drain-in-the-middle tub. She grunted at him, and he grinned in a mixture sheepishness and appreciation... with a dash of guilt mixed in. Her dainty fingers and body were perfect for getting into the confined space... and he was helping as best he could with tools. Just with a bit of male appreciation thrown in for good measure.
She cursed as the vid-phone beeped, causing her to bite the tongue that, after watching Duo do it countless times, was trying to peek out to "help" her along.
"Get the phone," she said sweetly.
"Aye aye ma'am," he said, pushing off of the same backside he'd been admiring. Even in such a position such as she was, and not being able to see, he yelped as she kicked his leg with deadly accuracy.
"Hey, Relena," he chirped, still nursing his leg. Hilde scooted out immediately as he said Relena's name. "How you doin'?"
"I think it's time," she said pensively. He frowned at the screen, staring at her wide-eyed face in a bit of confusion.
"Time for what?"
"Idiot man," Hilde said from off screen. "Baby time."
He gaped.
"But...It's... early!?
"Did anyone expect less from Heero's kid?" Hilde said, pushing him to the side. He gaped at her. "We'll be there in a minute, Relena."
Relena gave them a relieved smile before disconnecting.
"Baby?" he queried still in shock.
"Baby. Relena's having a baby, and we're taking her to the hospital. What's wrong, Duo? Did I kick you too hard?"
"Already? Isn't it too soon?"
"Just in time."
***
"Hey! He's got everything he should and in all the right places!" Duo chortled. He was now well over his initial shock. It had been midday when she had gone into labor, and the hours had slipped continually away until, in the early morning hours, after much intense hand squeezing and yelling, the child was born. Duo felt like he?d been through a ringer, his hand felt limp like he?d shook the hands of a thousand men, and as he accepted the little bundle from the nurse he was almost beyond the realm of sensible thought.
"Perfect," Relena whispered to him, smiling even though she felt almost too tired to do that. Had it been 14 hours? 16? The hours had been so long she couldn?t quite remember what it was like to *not* be in labor, in some form of pain.
"Wouldn't expect anything less that perfection from Heero's kid," Duo blinked even as the words left his mouth. "That?s still a scary thought. At least he got half his genes from you. Let's go see your mom, shall we? That way she can get a look at you and not take my word for it."
Relena smiled at how Duo addressed the blanket wrapped figure as if he expected him to answer. Then he came to her side and laid the baby in her arms. Such a small red face. A tiny fist pressed against his cheek.
"Decided on a name?"
Oh she had looked. Name books hither and yon had passed before her anxious eyes. There was only time in a matter of months to decide after all! She had fallen upon her choice quite by accident, maybe only days before. In this world of names, the ethnic origin of a name was almost meaningless. His middle name from a name she had fancied as a child, and his first from a book... a Japanese dictionary no less. Heero had not embraced his Japanese heritage, had never had the opportunity to. He had knowledge of the language. Everyone knew this from his occasional muttering, and the fact he carried around books that looked like clever scribblings to everyone else. This baby was a piece of Heero, his legacy to the world. It seemed right to give their son a part of that heritage.
"Ryoku," she replied softly. "Strength. Our strength. Ryoku Scott Yuy."
"Ryo," Duo said immediately shortening it. "Nice ta meet ya, buddy. I bet your dad'd be real proud."
Blinking back tears, she kissed the newly nicknamed Ryo's forehead. "Would he, Duo?"
"I may have doubted him in the past,? Duo admitted, ?but if it's one thing I'm sure of, Heero could never deny your kid. He might have a barrier around his feelings like the old wall of China, but even he couldn't resist this little guy."
Relena knew it in her heart, but this type of fear wasn?t often rational. The fear of rejection, the fear of loss, the fear of him not coming back...
"Do you feel like seeing people?? he asked, gesturing to the hall. ?I know Hilde's probably about to blow a gasket waiting to see you. It's ok if you want to rest, just wondering."
"Sure, for a little bit,? she agreed. No matter how tired she was, she couldn?t pass up the opportunity to see her friend. Someone who would be able to somehow relate to her, if not in experience.
A minute later Hilde had entered the room, beaming, already energized by Duo's congratulatory hug.
"How are you?" she asked, walking closer to get her first look at the first child of any of the gundam pilots.
"Tired. Sore. Ecstatic."
"I bet. So this is Ryo?" He was so small, but then again big if one thought about actually giving birth to him. His little head was covered with a blue cap to keep warm, his eyes tightly shut as he was thrust so cruelly into this unfamiliar world.
"This is Ryo," Relena confirmed with a smile.
"Poor child getting dubbed already. You should have heard Duo. He was running around the waiting room shaking stranger's hands telling them about this 7lb. 5oz. wonder named Ryo Yuy. I don?t think he could have been more ecstatic if Ryo were actually related."
"I don't know what I would have done without you two."
"You would have survived, because you?re like that. But I'm glad we were able to be there. He's so beautiful. Think he'll look like Heero?"
"If he looks the slightest bit like Heero I'm locking him in his room till he's 20," Relena said, laughing.
"A good plan. He might not like it though."
Duo popped through the door just then.
"Hey, I found some more!"
The next person through the door was Sally, being towed along by Duo's hand. She looked contrite and somewhat embarrassed.
"We were going to stop in and see how you were doing. We can't stay long," she explained, leaning against the door jamb. "I'm sure you must be tired."
The ?we? must include Wufei, Relena mused, although it didn't appear that he was with her.
"I'm tired, but...it's so worth it."
"I hope to find out someday."
Both Sally and Relena looked to Hilde then. She'd taken the baby Ryoku, and had been cooing at him until Duo's entrance. Now, with her head still tipped down towards Relena's son, her eyes were closed and her cheeks were turning pink. The reason for that was clear, as Duo was beside her, his arm around her shoulders and his face next to hers, taking up cooing where she'd left off. Sally and Relena shared a smile. They were totally oblivious.
Relena gasped with the woman still by the door as Sally suddenly stood straight, her eyes widening. Then she turned slightly, casting a look at the hand on her shoulder and then to the man who appeared behind her. It always amused Relena to see them together, although she knew they weren't *together* in that sense of the word. Wufei was a good couple inches taller than her now, and they generally seemed attached at the hip. Sally wished to be a mother someday, but Relena knew that there was only one man she wished would see her. Not that Sally had made any overt signals to the fact. But still Wufei seemed as oblivious to that as Duo and Hilde seemed to be about each other. The only reason Relena knew for sure was because Sally had confided in her, as she had confided in Sally about Heero.
"Would you warn me before you do that?" she muttered.
"We can't stay," Wufei said, unknowingly repeating Sally's earlier words and ignoring her current ones. "How is everything?"
"Wonderful. Thank you."
Sally beckoned him along with her as they walked over to Duo and Hilde. Duo moved slightly to allow them closer, but didn't remove his arm.
"Would you like to hold him?" Relena directed at Sally, not knowing whether or not Wufei had any great desire to hold a baby.
She hesitated.
"You know you want to," Wufei told her gruffly, "go on."
She took him easily, more on instinct and memory than real experience. Her medical training hadn't included a whole lot of maternity prep, although in a pinch she knew she would be better than your average person off the street. She couldn't, didn't want to, keep her lips from curving as the baby yawned widely and tucked his fist closer. She was aware of Wufei hovering over her shoulder.
"Want to hold him?" Sally asked.
"Oh," he looked shocked. "I don't think that would be best."
"Don't you want to?"
"I don't think..."
"Afraid of a tiny baby," she scoffed, teasingly.
Still protesting he accepted the surprisingly light, and heavy, bundle. She had to hold back a smile as she took back her hands. He seemed unwilling to turn his head, as if the slightest movement would cause the child to break. He showed more caution than she had ever seen from him. A strong man brought to his knees by a defenseless child.
"Babies are pretty resilient, Wufei. I promise he won't break," she assured him.
"He's...small," Wufei said stiffly.
"It's nature's way of being kind to women. We can't bring them into the world walking and talking, after all. That's what we have men for."
He scowled at her wink, catching her jab and not appreciating it.
"Ooh, she got you there!" Duo chuckled.
"Look, Maxwell, make remarks like that while you may, just wait till you have your own..."
Wufei stopped mid-sentence, staring wide-eyed at the tiny Ryo who had just sneezed. Having mercy on the poor man who thought he'd done something wrong, Sally took the baby back and gave the blanket wrapped bundle to Relena who accepted him readily.
"You didn't do anything wrong," Sally said.
Wufei accepted her words, but still felt more confidant now that Ryo was back with Relena and he wasn't responsible for doing, or not doing, the right thing while holding him.
***
Duo Maxwell was an enigma, Hilde mused, as she followed him to a portion of the fenced off garden. It was a secluded place near the hospital, where they had been the past few hours awaiting the arrival of Heero and Relena's first child. Duo's personality shone bright as a star, warming her, drawing her. And yet he was a mystery too, some underlying layer of pain, some level of being ready to die, but yet still being afraid and unwilling to. The sweet promise she saw in his smile, and the way he sometimes said her name kept her longing alive for something beyond this unbreakable bond of friendship they had formed.
They stood in silence, taking in the scent of the crisp, early morning air. He was still then, just breathing, allowing her the opportunity to observe him. There had been so much fear in him on the way to the hospital. It was obvious the kinship he felt towards the other pilots. Oh, maybe it hadn't been there totally at first, but he would be the first to greet them and offer a place to stay when their lives happened to bring them into the area. Heero by default fell under Duo's territory, living in the same town and working in the same building. Getting to know Relena both through stints on guard duty, and out of the simple curiosity to find out how the relationship between her and Heero worked. Or, non-relationship as he had described it to her. "Dysfunctional!" he'd complained. "They need a clue." But because Relena played such a role in Heero's life, he had taken her into his as well. Hilde smiled to see his hands grasp the railing, still slightly shaking. He had such a big heart, so much to give.
"How was it being there when the baby was born?" Hilde asked, knowing he would want to talk about it.
Duo was aware of her eyes on him, but couldn't joke. "It was amazing. Can't say it was pretty, but they let me cut the cord, and after they'd shined him up a bit, got him all wrapped up in the blanket, I was amazed." And quite proud, he thought. As a friend of both Heero and Relena's it was an honor to stand in for Heero, especially since he knew how much Heero would have wanted to be there himself. But Heero was in space, and Duo was on earth...with Hilde. "It was a miracle. A real life miracle. Something a guy like me doesn't get to see very often."
"Me either. I'm glad you were there," she said echoing the earnestness of his tone.
"Me too, me too," he answered back, staring up at the shades of pink that warmed the morning sky. "What were you doing all that time?"
Hilde shuffled her feet. "Climbing the walls and drinking endless cups of coffee. Everyone was looking at me as if I were nuts. Normally it's the man antsy in the waiting room."
He smirked at her, seeing the opportunity she'd presented for him to tease her. He shook his head trying to distance himself from the wistful feeling that had taken hold of him as he looked at her in the growing light. They were friends, just friends. He'd never kissed her, and she'd never hinted that she wanted to be kissed. Why did he have to wish for so much more?
"Never let it be said you're normal." His response was strained as he tried to hold back his chuckle.
"Thanks Duo!" she exclaimed, reaching out and slapping his upper arm.
"No problem." Again the silence grew between them before Duo ran a hand through his bangs. "Agh, Heero has a kid before I do. What kind of injustice is that?"
Hilde stifled a giggle behind her hand and looked off into the distance. "Well, he also has a wife."
"As if I'd forgotten. Makes me feel old." Duo pulled up the end of his braid and mockingly checked for any gray hairs.
"And then what am I?"
Dropping his braid, he flashed her one of his infamous smiles and winked. "As old as me." The mischievous gleam left his eyes and he turned back to stare at the sky. "Seriously...no wife, no kids..."
"Seriously...no husband, no kids."
"No family," they said together.
Turning towards each other they grinned.
Hilde reached out, gave his hand a gentle squeeze and then tucked her arms around herself. "You're all I've got, Duo."
"Same here. But we're lucky...for having no one, we've got quite a few people to watch our backs."
"Yeah, we do."
Sighing, Duo rested his chin in his propped up hands. "And still we're old and childless together."
The long day made that seem impossibly funny. They laughed till their sides hurt, leaning against each other for balance. They laughed at each other, for each other, because of each other. The smile never left Duo's face, and before she had any time to react he had kissed her and pulled back. It'd been swift and hard and glorious. She gaped at him.
What had possessed him to kiss her? The image of her in the delivery room, cradling Heero's child, had wiped out all other people from the room, causing him to see her and the baby, projecting them into a different life, where Hilde was his, and the baby...his son. But it suddenly hit him that it didn't *have* to be a different life. What had Heero once told him? Not to let Hilde get away? That had been almost 9 months before. Now he stood in front of Hilde, not believing he had just kissed the girl, the woman, in front of him. She'd been there for him, even before she'd had any real reason to trust him, and she'd stayed. Stayed longer than anyone ever had. Did he love her? With all he had.
Her eyes were huge, and he watched as they drifted shut as his lips brushed hers again. She pressed back against him, keeping the contact, and gasping as his tongue swept over her bottom lip. Instantly she allowed him access, her arms moving around his neck so her fingers could burrow in the plaits of his hair, holding him close. Her tongue fought with his, meeting him head on, giving back everything he gave to her. Moaning her discontent, she fought against the hands that held her hips, preventing her the contact with his body she desired.
"Duo," she breathed as their lips parted slightly. They stayed like that, faces close, breath mingling, noses brushing the others cheek, just breathing.
"How long," he began, his lips against hers with every movement, "has this been going on?"
Humming lowly she moved finally, sliding her cheek along his, until she was close to his ear.
"You mean..." she paused, wondering at the husky quality of her own voice, "how long have I been in love with you?"
His shoulders stiffened under her arms. Maybe from shock that she had come out so bluntly about it? As she pondered it, he relaxed, sliding his hands from her hips to her lower back, guiding her up and into his warmth.
"I'd like to know that answer," he replied in a deep voice that sent shivers through her.
"I couldn't say exactly, but I know it's been quite a while. Years."
"I think I could say the same."
"Duo?"
He pulled her back then, her arms still around his neck, but he wanted to see her, wanted her to know the truth in his words.
"I love you, Hilde. Like I have never loved another person. I need you with me. I want..." he chuckled softly, looking down, "I want that to be us in the delivery room. I wanna be with you forever. I...can't even imagine how I could lose you, and still survive."
"Duo?" she breathed wonderingly.
"Marry me, Hilde? Be with me forever?"
***
Duo entered the room with a soft knock. The ceiling light was on, giving just enough light to see well, but not enough to hurt the baby's eyes, or impair the rest of the mother. Relena lay still, looking blissful in her rest and he knew the last thing he wanted to do was wake her after her long day. He tiptoed quietly to the clear sided bassinet, smiling down at the sleeping baby. The small body was dressed in light blue pajamas, his back resting up against a rolled up blanket to keep him from laying on his back.
"Looks pretty comfy there," he said softly, almost whispering. "Hope to have a couple like you running around some day. You've got it pretty lucky there, you know. Eat and sleep and mom are your only worries. Must be kinda blissful that way. Hilde says I act about your age when she's really mad.
"Speaking of Hilde... She agreed to marry me. Yeah, that's right, you'll have a real aunt and uncle now. I can't believe it, I just...just had to tell someone, little buddy, and it looks like you're it. Who knew, you know? Your dad told me to tell her a long time ago, and doesn't seem like I listened till now. Because you were born. Guess he told me again, eh? You're a part of him, after all. Better go before your mom wakes up, ok? Let her sleep a bit like a good boy. I'll be seeing you soon, take care of yourself."
Duo moved to the door, exiting quietly. His thoughts centered on Hilde, who was waiting for him. Who knew? he pondered again. Who could have guessed they'd end up like this? So deep was he in his thoughts he missed the smile on Relena's face. It seemed more than one miracle had occurred that day. One the gift of life, the other of love.
***
Heero sat silently, peering out into the depth of space. There was the earth, their home, the light from the sun around it dimming the stars behind it. Absently his thumb rubbed at a smudge obscuring his view. Resting his chin on the knee he had pulled to his chest, he sighed. It wasn?t good for him to be idle, it gave him far too much time to think of things best left alone.
He jerked slightly as Sally entered the room, walking to sit facing him on the window seat. She looked out at the same view he had been staring at before considering him thoughtfully.
?You?re missing her, aren?t you?? she asked.
It was that obvious? He thought bitterly. At one time his whole reasoning for marrying her had been to keep her safe. Sure, then in some way he would possess her. She would be ?his woman.? He stole a guilty look at Sally to make sure she wasn?t reading his possessive thoughts towards one of her sister women.
He?d never expected that in a matter of days, and the weeks leading up to the day of his proposal, that feelings would swim to the surface. With a sweet acceptance, and sweeter first kiss at their wedding, combined with Duo?s insight, by the time he had left the next morning he had tied himself to her. Did he miss her? Certainly. Would he be better off not? It would be easier by far if he didn?t. The innocent joy he had found sleeping with her beside him was too much. So hurtful to dwell on, but fueling his desire to return.
?You said it,? he said finally.
?And I?m not stupid.?
He made a sound suspiciously close to a snort. No one stupid would have been able to do the things she had done in the wars. And so very few would have accepted the pilots as she had. As both a woman and a person she had seen right through the barrier he had put up around his loneliness. It seemed so very odd to him to have even that small number of people surrounding him that knew him so well.
?I didn?t expect it to be like this,? he said.
?No one does,? she explained, sighing on the inside. She and Wufei had come almost directly from Relena?s hospital room, never telling Relena where they were headed. They had agreed between them that it was not their place to tell Heero of his son. The timing was such that they could very well be around Heero for years, but they were resolved. It was all they could do to be there for Heero.
?How...? he stopped, drew a breath. ?How is she??
?She?s doing well.? How much could she say without making his feelings worse? ?She misses you.?
?I don?t think it will be soon,? he said abruptly, ?I think it could be longer than anyone realized.?
?I know. But Duo and Hilde are near her. She?s not along. And you know you can talk to Wufei or I any time. Heero, I mean that.?
He nodded slightly.
Feeling the serious mood of the conversation had passed, she narrowed her eyes at Heero. ?For whatever reason you?ve been teaching Wufei to curse in Japanese. He?s taking great pleasure in slyly displaying his proficiency in English, Chinese, and Japanese.?
?You pick things up.?
She had to laugh. ?Next time he forgets to duck through a door, I?ll send him to you so you can curse together.?
He smirked. It would be easier with people he knew nearby. He was never so glad that Hilde and Duo would be there for her, that they were *close* and on earth. Some part of him said that he wanted to be there, only him. It was so unclear to him why he had such a longing to leave. He never thought it would affect him, not in his wildest dreams. There was no lie that he could tell himself to hope that the time would be easy, not on either of them.
***
Relena smiled at the bundle in her arms. Ryo had finally fallen asleep. He had a double does dose of both her's and Heero's stubbornness. It felt so right, so perfect, this child snuggled in her arms, against her breast, safe with his mother. How her heart ached for Heero, wishing he could see his son, to maybe feel the power, the fear, the joy that caring for your very own child caused.
She laid her cheek against the baby's downy head, taking in the scent of power, the scent that was now uniquely his.
"I love you, Ryo," she whispered. Turning to the window, she stared up into the stars. Once Heero had come to her from out there in that darkness, but now it had taken him away. "And I love you, Heero."
Her hand pressed against the glass as if she could feel, touch, the light of those faraway objects that filtered through the thin atmosphere. As if that would bring her closer to Heero. Maybe they were just balls of gas, barely worth a second notice when you considered the vastness of the space around it. But he was out there with them. Tears welled up as Ryo shifted against her.
"Please be careful," she whispered, still mindful of her sleeping son, "Please..." A tear, warm and lonely, spilled to trace her cheek. "Please come back to us."
***
The end... for now...
And a preview of the next story...
***
As a phoenix rising,
so our love will live again.
From the flames of fear and longing,
uncaring of what might have been.
***
Nearly five years have passed. The top secret mission assigned to Heero by the Preventers has ended, mending the lengthy breach of communication it brought about. Only now the world he returns to is not the one that he left. He is forced to face feelings he thought he had come to terms with. Relena, having never reclaimed her place in politics, begins to show him a world where they can be free together. That Heero Yuy can be husband, friend... father. But this bliss that they discover is not to be. This time not a war, or a mission to tear them apart, but something nearer and dearer to their hearts.
***
It's the pain you feel first. It consumes as fire does paper, turning everything inside into the finest ash, dead, lifeless. There is simply nothing left to hurt, you are hollow but for the ashes, and there will be no phoenix to rise from them. You have no hope, you have no meaning, you have no peace.
The world that you see through this soul is tainted, awash in a sea of misery, clinging falsely to a dream that will never be a reality. You have lived that dream, but for a moment. A blissful moment ended with a reflection staring back at you, cold as ice.
***
Phoenix Rising
