Rigid (revised) Rated R/NC-17

[zapenstap]

O_O


What a disturbing story!!!! But brilliant and definitely worthy of a glomping review. *applaud* And criticisms! Only fabulous stories get criticisms.

You might want to take heed to the slight confusion that readers had while reading. Some of this is probably due to not reading carefully, but perhaps some points could be made more clearly. I would set up the background story just the way you did in your post-explanation: simply and plainly, but have it there so we don't keep looking for it.

Also, I think you have too many descriptive adjectives in the beginning. Lots of detail is good, but I was overwhelmed with it at the beginning of the story. I just wanted to know what was going on. The really descriptive bits I would save for when it gets emotional. The interwined lemon (with the sacrifice) at the end and the description of Relena and Heero's baby was BRILLIANT. I think I love that child more than any child written for Heero and Relena. And he doesn't do anything; the description was just very beautiful. And Zechs walking away with it...

I will read this story again for those pieces and I don't read many fanfics twice,

Anyway, fabulous job, Tomorrow. I hope you congratulate yourself for a job decidedly well done!

*loved it*

zapenstap

[fubberr]

Wow, that's so awesome! the Torture that Relena's getting..gruesome! [Poor Heero] Ouch.. err...your stories always get me and probably everyone else. Great Job. Go baby Yuy!

[zapenstap]

Great revision, Tomorrow! I like this story. And the revision. I think it has something very original it. Just don't meddle with that last bit with the little boy, b.c that's my favorite!

I would read a sequel about his life in the troubled years ahead. I can just imagine it... Heero and Relena's child grows up alone in a war-torn world. Mayb Zechs would give him to strangers to raise so his life wouldn't be threatened, but people recognize his eyes as he grows up and keep telling him he looks like the Queen of the World and his eyes are like those of that intense Gundam Pilot lover of hers. Wasn't he hanged after the rebellion? What happened to her? And This little boy will look SO much like Heero that if Relena IS still alive somewhere, it would break her heart to look at him, and also give her strength! Strength she'd thought she lost after Heero's death and her own disfigurement. Maybe she's been in retirement all these years. And what about Zechs? Mabye he went off to war to fight this "un-named guy" and was never heard of again. All the gundam pilots are dead and their legacy buried, but maybe Heero left the Wing Zero somewhere and his son will find the remains of it and rebuild it and fight to save the world from the clutches of the evil "guy" (he needs an identity) who has brought war back to the world his mom worked so hard and lost so much to bring peace too... With the son of Heero Yuy and Relena Darilan, and the rebirth of the gundam, will the world be saved?

Whoa. Where did all of that come from?

Yeah, i have NO time to write ANOTHER long epic story, but anyone else is welcome to it! hahahaha. ................

Oh, yeah, about your story, Tomorrow. If it inspired that much creativity in me, you can be sure I'm thrilled by it. Great work! I'll be looking for more from time to time.

[Mizaya]

HAHA uh oh! Zap's on a tangent again. I like the idea though, Tomorrow. I'd for sure read a story about little Heerelena (although let's hope that's not his name >_<)

[Padme]

I lvoe the symbolism and lessons in your stories. I find I learn more about christianity from you then I do in religion school at class. And what's more, is that most of the religious facts you use are true, and historically real. They are not some fabrication of your mind.

[Andrea]

I loved it before, and I love it now. You changed a lot, but still managed to stay true to the original. I think Zapenstap is right when she said it was too descriptive, but I think that's what makes your writing style different. I loved both versions of this story, Tomorrow.

Such depth is truly your trademark.

[bookworm]

Aren't you lucky that you hit it on the spot, Andrea? *mockingly pokes her on the ribs*

Well, I like the revision also. This is definitely Tomorrow's style.

[ice princess]

Interestingly enough, when I read that you had written something symbolic, I was reading the entire thing as a metaphor for Heero's growth and change throughout the series and the movie. It seemed very representative of the mental programming and torture he endured to become the perfect soldier, and his feelings emerging as he grows closer to Relena and to realizing his own forgotten humanity. The beginning description was very much like the torture of Jesus, but not just in the physicality of it, but in the self-sacrificial aspect too. Like the "Hanged Man" in a deck of Tarot cards. Very literally in this sense. Self-sacrifice as a last resort to save someone else, or as a sort of twisted recompense for a perceived irrevocable mistake. In this analogy, Heero would be sacrificing his own wants to prevent Relena's impending "torture" or he's killing his desires even as it brings her pain because he feels her pain would be worse if he loved her as he wants to. It's both noble and cowardly, but that's how he deals with his feelings for her.

The physical torture Heero endures from the red haired satanic evil bad man seems like his own self-loathing, and Relena's sterilization seems metaphorical of how he feels he would scar her if they were to physically act on their love. The insertion of the lemon almost eluded to the actual event, and Relena's torture was Heero punishing himself, brooding over his lack of control and care for Relena by giving in to his desire for her. It's the whole, "If I love you, you are bound to die some horrible death, or live a life of unending pain, because that is what I bring. You cannot love me and live."

The child with Zechs seems like the young innocent hope that still clings to the small subconscious part of Heero's mind. It's there, and he knows it's there, but it's too fresh and strange to face at the moment. Some new part of him, much like that of an inquisitive child, wonders if he really can overcome his sordid past and be free to love Relena, or at least become a part of the future. Some part of him has hope. That Heero's metaphorical "child" was with Zechs shows a shift in his perceptions. How can his world change? Can it change so drastically that he can be accepted in this new future of peace? Should he struggle? Why should he fight when there can be peace? It's the unknown and untouched part of him that clings to hope, and since he visualizes it as a combination of Relena and himself, that shows that in the future his own soul can be born as something entirely new, a combination of what he's endured and her own vision of peace that has so influenced him.

So anyways (Good Lord, when did I decide to write a novel?!?) that was my symbolic take on it, a giant metaphor for Heero's mental battle. And I can't get the image of the "Hanged Man' tarot card out of my head.

As for your writing, the description and imagery was breathtaking and horrifically intense, and it was told so dramatically and with such allusion that I feel it can be interpreted in a myriad of different ways. I loved it, as both a literal piece and as a metaphorical one, even if I'm the only one who saw it as such. Fantastic job!! Can't wait to read more of your highly symbolic and wildly imaginative stuff!

~ice princess

[Tomorrow]

Ice Princess:



Wow.

Very interesting analysis of my story. To say I was intrigued by it would be a definite understatement, as I almost prefer YOUR symbolism over my original intentions. Frankly, I'm flattered that my work inspired such deep thought, that you actually wanted to take the time to analyze it - let alone type it out. Whether you meant for it to come off that way or not, your analysis is one of the best compliments you could have given me. I thank you very much for that.

If that's how you interpreted the story: so be it. Just because that wasn't my original plan, doesn't make your take on the piece any less valid. You supported your theory, and you supported it well.

Also, I'm pleased that you liked my imagery. I'm fascinated by the feelings and pictures metaphors and other types of figurative language can evoke, and that's why I include so much of it in my stories. Some may find my usage daunting, and I can totally understand that, which is why I appreciate all of you that find value in my style. That's why I was so pleased when Zapenstap gave me suggestions on how to keep the imagery, but place it in a more effective position in the story.

Thanks again, Ice Princess, for your analysis and compliments. I thank the rest of you, too, that have read/reviewed thus far.

Thank you.

~Tomorrow

[Litia-sama]

This is me: :razz:

This is me speechless:

This is me drinking coffee:

This is me reading your fic:

I thought about a lot of things while reading this. Most of those things were words like, "Oh my God!" "Don't you dare!" and "NOOOooo!" That's probably why I loved it so much, even though I loathe/hate/despise reading things that depress me in any way (hardcore optimist, I won't be stopped.) However, when I was reading it, there was something that overpowered how hopeless I felt about what was happening. Until the end, anyway. It's a little something I call RESPECT. Um, let's see, how can I put this...

*BOW*

There, I think that does it. I absolutely LOVE reading things that make the reader feel something. Whether it makes them feel like they're in the story, or makes them feel like they're experiencing what the characters are experiencing, or simply makes them feel something so overwhelming it's impossible NOT to be moved by it, I absolutely LOVE IT. And you (again with the bow) have done that so extremely well that I honestly wanted to jumt into the screen and punch someone. Honestly. I could not believe what was happening to Relena, and Heero having to watch. Gah! It was so amazing and so powerful and even though I don't like being so horrified, almost as much I don't like seeing Heero and/or Relena getting killed in a fic, I'm so moved right now that I'm actually getting chills. CHILLS. And it's a frickin' sauna in here.

Other than that, I really don't know what to say. Though I can't for the life of me figure out HOW you could write this and not run away screaming, I still love/hate it just the same. I won't be able to get those images out of my head for awhile, and I won't be able to stop thinking about that little boy for a good few hours.

If I have nightmares, it's all your fault. But still, that was amazing. WOW.

~Litia