Christmas Cake (part ten)

[dd]

Sousuke?s apartment was dark. Very dark. All of the shades were down, and no lights were on. Only the red, green, and yellow lights on the com console flickered on and off.

The smell was somewhat musty, almost like the first room inside a large gymnasium complex. There was a faint hint of yesterday?s dinner, and a subtle scent of lemon indicated that the dishwasher had been run earlier that day.

Rhythmic grunting and moaning were the only sounds heard. The falling sweat drops were silent. The fast and deep breaths were given little attention--- they were expected, part of the background.

It was time too stop. It wouldn?t do to push too hard. A muscle pull was the last thing the young soldier wanted. Feet strapped into boots that hooked to his exercise bar, he hung down in a Jesus Christ pose, his perspiration clinging to him like ripe fruit on a tree. He had finished his rigorous training regime. It was cool down time.

While his body relaxed, his mind took over. Sosuke felt his throat tighten. If the blood wasn?t already rushing to his head, he feared it might end up somewhere unexpected or embarrassing. It was December 23rd. The night before Christmas Eve. There was less than twenty-four hours to go. He hadn?t felt like this since the night before some of his first missions as a part of the Mithril Special Response Team.

The comparison was apt. Just this morning, he had been riding a wave of building excitement and expectation. Despite being the ultimate novice, he had begun feeling cocky. He could do this. All it took was courage and determination. People had done it many times before and lived to tell the tale.

Why couldn?t he?

What would be so difficult about a date?

Nothing. There would be nothing difficult about a date. It was the things one might be faced with on a date that were so daunting.

Sousuke breathed in deeply, then held his breath. Then, he exhaled. Trying to relax, he repeated the process a number of times. He closed his eyes. His thoughts traveled to a time in years past, where a young soldier had just earned his SRT badge.

That A.S. pilot reveled in the strength he controlled from inside his walking metal chariot. He felt invulnerable. There was nothing that could keep him from reaching his goal. He was a little nervous, but had done well on the simulators and had gotten the better of seasoned veterans on the training fields. But, when he glided down into the cauldron of battle, he learned an important lesson.

It was no video game

It did not matter how many people had piloted an M9 before him and lived to brag about it.

Things came at him at a speed he could never have understood without being there. Nothing followed the mission script. The slightest wrong move at an inopportune move could prove disastrous. 'What was he doing there?' 'How had he ever though he could do this?' He remembered having those types of thoughts.

Sousuke sighed. There was no retreating now. Like anything else, the experience may prove the key to victory some day. The upcoming encounter may simply serve as a first step. For him, a big first step.

If he survived.

Sousuke ran his hand through his hair. He flexed a number of tight muscles. Deciding it was time to get down, he swung up, grabbed the bar with both hands, then unhooked his boots. He landed on the ground silently, crouching momentarily like a large cat.

He made his way into the shower.

It would be cold water this evening.

That might help.

Lathering up, his thoughts went back to the previous night. The memory was pleasant. His hand was still on the cheek Kaname had kissed. The broom was in his hand, but it would be a while before he got back to sweeping. The image of Kaname hung in the air before him, long after she had hurried home.

?That?s for getting the right answer!?

Kaname had said before kissing him. Sousuke realized it was not much as kisses go, but who could have thought that the pressure caused by two lips on a small area of facial skin could stop a Specialist in his tracks. When he had put his lips on Mizuki?s, there had been no such electric feeling.

Right answers were a good thing when a Drill Sergeant is breathing down your neck. Sousuke had learned that the hard way. A correct answer is also an advisable thing on a Japanese History test. He had ample opportunity to discover that truth. It did not hurt to give the desired words when one was faced by a school Principal or a police officer investigating an explosion. Ditto.

There appeared to be potential benefits to answering Kaname?s questions the way she wanted. The fact that he now considered the kiss to be a good thing was more significant than the kiss itself. He didn?t know if it was because of male and female chemistry issues, or because it was a sign that someone cared and approved.

Which did he want it to be?

What did Kaname want?

Exactly what might she expect from him?

The topic of kissing was as intriguing as it was discomforting. It was true that he?d never really kissed a girl and meant it. And, Kaname?s kiss certainly was nothing like the ones he had seen in Kurz? movie. But, the men and women in that film certainly seemed to be enjoying themselves.

He would need to keep an open mind.

As comfortable as it might have been, he could not remain a child forever in some things.

Sousuke had borrowed a number of books from the local library. What operative wanted to go into battle uninformed? Even so, to his credit, he eventually realized---after leafing through the fifth text---that things would not necessarily go by the book. Nevertheless, there were some things which he had read that stuck in his mind.

?The sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon, but its echo lasts a great deal longer.?

That quote had caught Sousuke?s imagination.

?Her kisses left something to be desired... the rest of her.?

That saying was general enough to raise Sousuke interest, without raising his alarm.

?A kiss is the upper persuasion for a lower invasion.?

That earthy description had sent him out for a three mile run.

The other boys at the school laughed and joked about sex all of the time. Maybe they didn?t often realize their fantasies, but at least they were comfortable with the subject. They knew what they wanted. It was only a matter of time for them.

There had been little chance for Sousuke to laugh and joke with peers about sex, even had he compelled to do so. The soldiers he fought with spent most of their time bragging with men their own age. Some had made jokes at his expense, but most simply acted as if the young soldier wasn?t there. A number of comrades had given him money for prostitutes, but he was never certain whether they had done it to make him feel like he was part of the team... because they felt sorry for him... or as yet another joke.

In any case, he had never followed through.

He never saw the purpose in it.

The time he spent with the mujahadeen had been far worse. Their jokes and treatment had bordered on being cruel. Some had beaten him simply for looking in the direction of their daughters and wives. Others had told him that the goats and sheep were the only thing he could use for his pleasure-- -if he ever discovered that he actually was a man. There were those who suggested that he be castrated or more thoroughly emasculated.

It was the price he paid for being an outsider, no matter how good a fighter he became.

He brought his mind back to the present. There were important points to consider. He could not avoid thinking about certain possibilities.

Might a high school girl be thinking about sexual relations on Christmas Eve?

Would Kaname?

What should he do if she did?

?It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover.?

Sousuke was a fighter, not a lover. He knew nothing of intimacy. Specifically, he did not know if he wanted to have an intimate relationship with Kaname. It would be inappropriate, given his mission.

If he merely went ahead with things because Kananme desired it, would he be a blackguard and a liar if he did not feel the same way? Would he destroy their relationship if he refused? He should be honest with his feelings. There would be no reason to be ashamed of that.

?For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.?

Sousuke had no knowledge the actual words that boys said to girls in simple romantic banter. Such conversations went on around him at school, but he never paid attention---they would merely be distractions. He certainly didn?t know what words would be appropriate for anything more serious than that. There was also the matter of the G-spot---the concept had him blushing so fiercely, he had never finished reading about it.

He looked down at his hand. Without realizing it, he had squeezed a new bar of soap in half.

?It is foolish getting worked up over nothing. I should not create problems.?

Chances were that Kaname would not be expecting an intimate relationship. She was still in high school. There were no boys with whom she dated. Gossip about her always brought quick and heated denials.

But, why had she invited him to a Love Hotel then? Melissa had made it clear that many people went to such places for physical love. But, her words suggested that a large number also went because of emotional love. That subject was almost as confusing as sex. In some ways, it was even more unnerving.

What did Sousuke know about love?

He had loved his mother and father. They were both torn from his life in traumatic fashion. He could only assume that he loved his brother and sister as well, but he had little memory of either of them. Who else had he ever loved after that? No one.

If love was what Kaname expected, should he honor his acceptance? He did not wish to get Kaname?s hopes up, only to disappoint her. He would make no assumptions about his ability to love or be loved.

In warfare, when someone had expectations that were too high, unfortunate results occurred. In combat, when a fighter acted outside of his level for expertise, he sometimes brought down others with him when he fell. Could that happen in the dealings between boys and girls too?

?I would never wish to do something that would hurt Kaname.?

That statement practically vibrated with truth. Sousuke was surprised by his own level of vehemence. He honestly knew that he would die to keep her safe. Taking things a step further, he realized that he would suffer any amount of pain, just to keep her from being hurt.

Could THAT be love?

Might it lead to such things?

?In real love, you want the other person?s good. In romantic love, you want the other person.?

Sousuke certainly wanted what was good for Kaname. He might even want Kaname herself, if some of his thoughts were any indication. But, the platitude did NOT say that if you want the other person?s good, you are definitely in love.

As such, he had no guarantee that he was capable of loving Kaname. Or any girl, for that matter.

?When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues.?

The thought of love leading to forgiveness was attractive to a young man who had killed so many enemies in the name of justice and world peace. Yet, while he may not have earned the wisdom that comes from being struck down by love, but Sousuke suspected that the emotion carried with it the promise of both pleasure and pain.

Sousuke knew enough of duality from his times in battle. The rush and thrill of victory could turn to ashes in the hero?s mouth when he saw the results of his carnage up close. It also helped that he had stumbled across a rather powerful bit of verse in his reading:

?When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions

May wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams

As the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you

so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth

So is he for your pruning.?

The imagery was almost frightening.

Sousuke did not know if he would be completely prepared to go to Belles Des Belles. But, when he did so, it would be with Kaname. He would not forget the words he had spoken to her on that large rock, both of them about to go fishing at his secret spot: ?When you?re with me, I can do anything.?

If he was to explore some new world, who better to be with than her?

He also remembered the time they had spent running through the forests of Khanka. At one point, bonded by their brush with death, they had fallen into each other?s eyes. Sousuke still didn?t know what he was feeling then, or whether he would see it?s like again. But, he remembered asking Kaname if she trusted him. She did, and they survived because of that.

He would place his trust in her now. He would do his best.

?Love is, above all, the gift of oneself.?

Could he give that? He would try.

After toweling himself dry and getting dressed, Sousuke headed out into his living area. Turning on the lights, he looked at the chair in the far corner. A number of presents lay their, neatly wrapped.

Sousuke and Kaname did not participate in Christmas day as a religious event. They did, however, decide to exchange gifts on the night of the 24th. That had left Sousuke with a bit of a quandary. What should he buy her? What would his motivation be?

It did not feel right simply to buy Kaname a present because she expected it, or because she was getting him one. There had to be some other reason. Sousuke thought about buying her something based on how he felt about her. That wouldn?t work, because he still wasn?t entirely certain. He might not know how he stood until that night had come and gone. No, he would operate based on what she had done for an awkward soldier operating in a foreign environment.

Despite his proclivity for trouble, Sousuke had been generally well-treated by the girl he was assigned to protect. He could not count how many times she had done him an unexpected or undeserved kindness, or had forgiven him his clumsy actions. Kaname was the reason his stay at Jindai High School had gone as well as it had. She was the one who made an effort to help him fit in.

Kaname was almost like a squad mate. They had been through a lot together, good and bad, comical and tragic. That was why he had decided to give her his most prized possession. She had seen it before, and had even held it for him in the hospital. It was the photograph of his old team in Afghanistan. He had put it in a new frame.

?I am certain she will take good care of you,? Sousuke muttered to the package. ?Despite her protestation, she has taken good care of me.?

Sousuke had gotten her a number of smaller gifts as well, the selection of which was aided by serendipity. He remembered overhearing her talk with Kyouko about music, mentioning the name of an album she wanted.

Swiss chocolates and French perfume were available at a local fancy store he had walked past He saw displays in the window . Girls supposedly liked candy and perfumes. As Kaname was a girl, he had a chance of being successful.

Kaname had kept his note, just as he had kept her card. Kaname should have a card as well. He had found one which seemed adequate.

It had been difficult deciding what to write. Sousuke was not good with words. One of the books provided his salvation. He combined two sayings that seemed adequate:

?I need the starshine of your heavenly eyes, after the day?s great sun. And if I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I?d walk through a garden forever.?

He had found the urge to fight on, looking into Kaname?s eyes in Khanka. There was no doubt that he had spent a lot of time thinking about her, even though his thoughts were not recognizably romantic in the past. Girls appeared to like fancy words. He hoped Kaname would be satisfied.

Sousuke went over to his closet. Kaname had made two stipulations for their date. No weapons whatsoever, and nice clothes. Somewhat uneasy about the first, he had reluctantly agreed. Consulting with a woman in the nearby Men?s Shop helped him meet the second requirement.

He was about to look through his new clothes, selecting what to wear on the following night. He was interrupted by an unmistakable noise. The communications console. There was a call coming in.

Sousuke had a strong sense of foreboding.

?Urzu 7, this is Mithril base, over.? Sousuke did not recognize the voice.

Flipping a number of switches, and slowly turning a dial until frequency matching was optimal, Sousuke clenched his teeth. He was worried. If his services were needed, it couldn?t be at a more inopportune time.

?Mithril base, this is Urzu 7, I read you. Over.?

?Very good, Sgt. Sagara. I am patching through a call from Tuatha Da Danaan. They should be on when I hang up. God speed. Over.?

Sousuke looked over at the signal strength meter. It fluctuated wildly at first, then stabilized.

?Urzu 7, this is SRT lead, do you copy. Over.?

Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin.

He was not one to check in on him to see how he was doing. Sousuke?s heart sank. There could only be one reason for this call. All other communications would be handled by ancillary personnel.

?SRT lead, this is Urzu 7. I copy. What is the situation, Sir??

?Your presence is required for a mission. More detail will be provided once you are on board. A helicopter is inward bound. You will need to be at the rendezvous point by 1200 hours tonight. That is all.?

?Sir, wait!? Sousuke went stiff. Melissa Mao might push the boundaries of military etiquette from time to time, but he never did.

?Yes, Sergeant? You realize this is a semi-secure line. We do not want the transmission traced back to the source.? Kalinin?s voice was stern and unyielding. Sousuke knew that he better have a good reason for breaking protocol. He did not. Still, he must do what he could.

?It is about Miss Chidori, sir.? Sousuke didn?t go into details yet. He was still searching for the appropriate words. He was unsuccessful. In all likelihood, there were none.

?She will not be left unprotected, Sergeant. Support personnel in the area will covertly keep an eye on her. Their presence should prove sufficient for the three to five days you are gone. If you are finished....?

?Lt. Cmdr., Miss Chidori had made arrangements for the two of us tomorrow evening, at considerable expense, and out of her own pocket.? Sousuke had done his part. He awaited whatever censure would follow.

?I see. I expected a day like this might come. I am glad to see you showing dedication to something out of your profession. However, this is NOT the time. Arbalest is required. Your duty is clear. The Finance Department will reimburse Miss Chidori. Ending transmission.?

The line went dead.

Sousuke hung his head.

There was nothing more he could have said. He had been walking dangerous ground as it was, as there were people in the High Command who felt that Sousuke?s skills were being wasted in Tokyo.

The duty and obligation of his job were intruding on the life he had hoped to explore. He knew how much Kaname hated ?duty? and ?obligation? as it was. This would make her very upset. The investment she made in time was regrettably lost. Her monetary investment would be a moot point. But, her emotional investment was what mattered. Sousuke was clever enough to see that.

She might indeed hate him for this. But, he had only two choices: he could accept the mission, or he could refuse and leave the organization. So, in actuality, he only had one choice. He would explain things the best he could and deal with the inevitable consequences.

The ARX-7 was necessary.

That meant that Sousuke was needed.

His desires were immaterial. There would be lives at stake.

He sat quietly for a few moments, staring at his open closet and at the presents on his chair. He looked over at the stack of books he had perused. Rising, he walked over and picked up the card Kaname had given him.

Sousuke reached for the phone. He stopped. Kaname should hear this in person.

An idea came to mind. Taking off his fatigues, he got dressed in one of the new outfits that he had purchased. There would be time to stop by Kaname?s apartment, return, get dressed again, and make it to the pick-up point in time.

Gathering up the presents in his arms, he walked towards the door. Turning out the lights, he headed on his way.