By: Blackak Bounti
Author?s Notes: Yeah, I know. Anyhow ( I?m sorry to say that I can?t start a mailing list to tell you if my story has an update. But anyhow I?m here to prove you wrong for telling me that this story is a whole lot like Tabloid. Because this story, is so much more different. Anyhow review!!!! BTW, this song is by me.
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine but the storyline.
***
Where I can Say: Chapter 4-
An Inky Poison- Relena?s POV
I felt out of place as I stood there watching the couples around me dance and have fun. I felt like I was watching a romance movie where everyone would have dates and I would be the only one without one.
My eyes were numb and blank, my shoulders were slumped. I ignored the cold air knocking against my bare flesh. I stood frozen there, watching with a soft fake smile as everyone danced. I closed my eyes as I heard soft music, the soft music MY BAND played.
?There was time when I just wanted to hold you...
But life and fate crashed it all for us.
I wanted so much, to give you one last kiss
Why is it that I can?t have this happiness?
I feel pain...
Why do I feel pain all the time?
Why can?t I cry when I see you in her arms?
Is it because I was in love with you too much to be blinded?
I want so much to kiss you one last time before I leave...?
The guitar flowed in and the soft beat of drums. No one really was singing, Sara was just lip singing until they could find a replacement. Until then they used CD.
The air grew dim from excitement to the air I once knew long ago. When I had Trowa anyhow. It was a magical time, a soft time that clouded your mind with peacefulness. Even though I had no one to share it with, I could still feel it and still almost see the soft lights though my closed lids.
A hand sunk into my skin and caused shivers to run along my back and I opened my eyes. Heero stared back at me.
?Would you like to dance?? He asked me softly. I thought for a moment before I accepted his hand.
Somehow dancing with him made it feel so right yet so wrong... I was dancing to my own music with my own husband. Aren?t I supposed to be the one standing on stage and signing not dancing to the music I produced? Yet I felt right I guess to be dancing with my husband, only because I?ve read so many romance novels that it made it feel right.
But than again, my love life isn?t anything like those romance novels is it? I wanted to give out a bitter laugh but remembered where the heat that blanketed me. It was Heero in his dark kimono while my bare legs brushed against his covered ones, I didn?t mind the simple outfit that May had made me.
His hand light grazed my hip bone and he pulled my closer. Heero rested his chin along my shoulder and his fingers gently touched my slender fingers. I pressed my cheek against his shoulder blade and softly closed my eyes and breathed in his scent.
Heero smelled like pine and soft rain. My arm tightened its hold on him. Soon the music was drawn out and I was reminded of everything that happened. This love, it wasn?t real. It some made up fantasy that I was sticking to please my dead father. He loved the model and I could never be the person he wanted nor could I be the person he deserved.
I dropped my arms limply at my side and stared at the ground. I could feel Hero?s questioning stare but I ignored it. I had to worry about my band, the one I betrayed. I had to worry about what the model, Sylvia Noventa was planning about. I had to also worry about what will happen when I continue to meet Trowa and his wife instead of that once a year thing.
?Relena?? Heero whispered with concerned lacing his voice. It was fake concern. He didn?t care about me; he was only worried that if he didn?t act nice to me, his father would be upset with him.
I couldn?t take it anymore. I ran. I could sense Heero reaching out to stop me but my legs were longer and I ran. Not really looking where I was going. I bumped into a few people and mumbled apologizes but than after that, I ran. ?Relena!? Heeo shouted and I could tell he was chasing after me.
I ran quicker, my pace faster. I wanted to die. I wanted to change time, I didn?t want my friends and my band to be mad at me, I wanted to go back to Sissy K?s and be a bouncer again. I wanted to see my house again and smell my father?s scent all the time. I wanted to have memories of my father but now I couldn?t even remember his face or how he smelled like!
I was being selfish but was it my fault for wanting my life to go back to normal? I wanted to die, I wanted to be as far away as possible from Heero Yuy.
You have no idea how much it hurts to be away from away the happy life you use to have and have it taken away by just signing your name on some stack of papers.
Soon I collapsed on my knees and rain pounded against me, soaking my kimono and made it clung to my skin. I could sense Heero stopping softly behind me. Tears pressed out of my eyes and vivid memories flowed back to me. I stared at the ground softly.
I could remember my house and where things were. Pictures with blank faces greeted me at the halls. I couldn?t remember the faces on the pictures. I could remember the sight that always greeted me outside my bedroom window.
I couldn?t remember the flowerbed me and my father always tended to in the spring and summer of roses, lilies, and lavenders.
Roses because they were my favorite, lavenders because they were my mother?s favorite, and lilies because it reminded my father of his favorite place in the world. His home where there use to be a lake behind the house he lived on and they would be full of lilies around.
I couldn?t remember damn it! I had always been able to close my eyes and picture my father?s face when he watered the flowers. I would always be able to remember how many steps they were to lead to my father?s bedroom or down to where my mother use to play the piano. All the important details that made me feel like Relena Peacecraft and not Relena Yuy had vanished.
I couldn?t remember things like the stage my band and me practiced at, I couldn?t remember anything! Damn it I couldn?t even remember the club and where I would stand for my position.
I sobbed. I COULDN?T REMEMBER!
****
Things past by quickly, I was home later on, showered and dried and tucked into some soft clothing. I sat limply on my bed, staring outside the window, watching the rain peck at the glass.
Arms came to wrap around me and I was reminded of the time when my father would hug me when I got back from college. I couldn?t remember how his body was pressed against mine or how his soft wrinkly arms around me felt like.
I only felt strong hard and soft flesh arms that reminded me of the husband who took everything away from me. The person who gave me a life that I only wanted through music not marriage.
But somehow I wanted to be comforted. I leaned my head into his warmth and closed my eyes. The last thing I could remember was Heero?s lips brushing across my forehead and the bitter pain of my heart breaking. Than I fell asleep.
*** The next morning I found myself in the bed Heero and I shared, but I woke up alone. I turned around and saw nothing but the space where I imagined where Heero would be. Instead I saw a pillow and the closed door. Sighing I sat up.
I slipped out of the red tank top that I could remember buying with Mike for a gig at Sissy. I pulled on a gray tank top and slid on my button down collar shirt and left the buttons opened than I pulled on some flares.
The house was quiet and I entered the kitchen. There was a note from May telling me that Duo and Hilde had sent away all everyone and went out. So I was left alone in this huge mansion.
I shrugged and went to boil some water for some tea. I made a small breakfast by myself like I had before when I was still at my old house. Two bagels with cream cheese, pancakes with butter and tea. I ate slowly and when I was done I did the dishes and stood in the lobby wondering what to do.
I decided to go into the living room and watch the media news.
?Hi this is Cherry Li and I?m here to inform you of the greatest news ever. Over the past two weeks that Relena Peacecraft has left the band for some unknown reasons, The Gundams had hired the model Sylvia Noventa to be the lead singer.?
I froze. My friends didn?t tell the media of my marriage and hired Heero?s ex to be in my place?!
Betrayal sunk in and anger and sorrow boxed me in. I slammed the television off and ran up the stairs, two at a time. I ran up the ballroom and screamed on top of my lungs.
I screamed and screamed until my voice left me. I sat limply at the piano and played a few notes.
I spotted the guitar and grabbed it softly into my hands. I tuned it while I sat on the edge of the stage and started playing. A soft rock rhythm began. Soft sunlight streamed in from the large windows and caught the crystal chandelier above.
Later on when I was done, I still felt pain but decided to bottle it all up again. The phone rang and I picked it up.
?Hello?? I said in a soft voice.
?Hey, Relena?? Hilde?s voice rang in softly on the other side and the smallest smile tugged at the corners of my lips.
?Yeah. What?s up??
?Well Duo left me at the mall for some business that Heero called for. So I?m left alone in this big huge mall and still a ton of money unspent so I sent a car to pick you up to company me. Do you mind?? Hilde asked.
I shook my head as if Hilde could see me. ?No. That?s fine, I?m bored anyhow so I?d love to go shopping with you. But I don?t have any money.?
Hilde laughed, ?Girl, you?re married to Heero Yuy! The rich bastard and everything and the guy everyone would die for to even touch. Don?t you think you could ask Heero for some money.?
?No, I don?t want to depend on him. Besides the money from the gigs The Gundams had are in my bank.? I told Hilde.
?Well than I?ll just pay for your stuff, it?s my treat.? Hilde informed me. I smiled and hung up.
As if on cue a car honked and I grabbed a jacket and slipped into shoes and bounced.
***
The mall was large so it was hard to find Hilde in the thickness of the people running around. I was thankful for no one seeing me, especially after the news of the new lead singer of my band. Anyhow I found Hilde outside of Shady.
It was basically a brand name store full of clothing, though from where Hilde stood, it looked like she was picking out men?s clothing. Truth be hold, she was standing in the men?s line.
?Are looking for clothes for Duo?? I asked her laced with amusement. She shot me a funny look that made me burst into laughter.
?Yeah. Hey what do you think of this one?? Hilde asked, holding up a sweatshirt. It was a dark blue in color and the brand name was imprinted in white in the center, sprawling upwards towards the right shoulder blade and it was bordered by rusty orange string.
I took it lightly from Hilde?s hands and ran my fingertips over the soft material. There was a large hood in the back and I lifted it. It was heavy and I handed it back to her.
?It?s cool. But do you think Duo goes for that kind of stuff?? I asked her. Hilde gave me a funny look and asked what I meant.
?Well first off Shady is like a line for...the ganger look. I didn?t think Duo went for that kind of stuff.? I told her.
?Yeah...I guess you?re right.? Hilde said and replaced the sweatshirt back onto the rack. She had me look at the other pieces of clothing she had picked out and asked for my opinion. They were good I tell you. I really liked the jeans that she picked out. There was a small print of Shady along the pant legs and than swirled around. There were pieces of other clothes so it was okay, not to ganger like but more on the thug side.
Hilde paid for her things and we left back out to the mall. Suddenly her cell phone rang.
?Hello?? Hilde asked. ?Okay...yep, I?ll tell her that.?
I guess by ?her? she meant me. She was smiling after she hung up and said, ?Well that was Heero. And he was wondering if you could get him some jeans and a business outfit.?
My mouth formed an O and than looked around. The mall was full of stores, mostly brand stores.
?And he told me that you can buy anything you want for yourself along the way.? Hilde said with a big grin, I could tell she was planning something.
I shook my head and told her I wasn?t a big shopper. ?Oh come on, Relena! Every girl is a big shopper! So lets go shopping and surprise everyone!? Hilde shouted and dragged me along.
I laughed and my eyes light up.
First we went by Gap and Ecko. I brought things for Heero first before Hilde dragged me somewhere else for me.
Hilde freaked when we came into the women?s section and threw random clothing at me to try on.
I hated most of them though but we did buy some. By the time we got home it was 8.
I held onto the bags of clothing that I had gotten while Hilde had the servants send it up to her bedroom.
Heero was in our bedroom and I sat down a few inches away from him. I pulled out something and showed it to him. I pulled out these pair of jeans from Shady Limited. Heero gave me a queer look that made me laugh.
?Come on, Heero! Try it on!? I told him, tossing the pair to him along with a black T-shirt. Go, I mouthed and he shook his head.
I pushed him towards the bathroom. ?Come on I want to see!?
Two minutes later, I rolled onto the floor laughing.
One happy moment
***
I woke up with great sorrow. I thought of Heero and what happened last night. I had him change into a bunch of clothes and than I sobered. That?s right I thought, I don?t deserve him. I?m poor, he?s rich. I?m the peasant and he?s the prince.
I clenched my fists.
He?s your husband! He?s rich!
I shut my eyes trying to dismiss the thoughts. I will not depend on my husband!
?I lost the band, I lost my happiness, I lost my life.? I thought. ?I have no right to love him. I have no right to call him mine.?
I sat up and threw the pillow. I HAD NO RIGHT TO EVEN BEAR HIS LAST NAME INTO MY OWN!
That?s right, I thought harshly, I?m nothing compared to him. I have no right to bear his name onto mine and call him my husband! I have no right!
I pulled the blankets roughly from me and dressed quickly. I?m supposed to be a Peacecraft, forever! I was supposed to be happy in life not upset with how I ended up to be. Married to a rich guy that I don?t deserve!
What made me think that I could be happy with him? What made me think that he could ever love someone so low like me?
I?m nothing, like dirt compared to him. He?s the clouds in the sky and I?m the dirt people step on, I?m a low life and he?s the pampered royalty! I have no right to even say his name and have the last name of his life.
I slammed the door and ran to the park. What made me think that I could ever be the person he needed? How could I ever compare to the others he has dated? I mean they?re thin, they can satisfy him.
They?re beautiful while I am nothing. They have money and has never worked for anything while I have so little money with me while most are in the bank and I?ve worked for everything in my life.
I reached the park. Who could I be? Relena Peacecraft or Relena Yuy?
Relena Peacecraft was the girl I was when I was happy; where I had friends and did the things I loved. Relena Yuy is someone I don?t know. Someone who most likely will fall in love with Heero and go with him no matter what. I would give up everything for him.
But I couldn?t. I had my dream so close to me! I had my life in cloud nine with such simple things and I?m not sure I wanted to be in First Class.
Relena Yuy?
Relena Peacecraft?
?Who am I? What am I?? I asked myself.
I watched people walk past me with smiles. And I wonder if I could even have a chance to be happy. Than I remembered, my happiness was ripped from me. I did nothing in life to have happiness.
One happy moment that would last was all I?ve ever asked for. To please the people who love me and I love them back. I closed my eyes as memories came back to me.
?Relena, honey. Will you get me something?? A woman sat in her bed, pale blonde hair that had gone dimmer during the months. Her thin wrinkled hand reached to touch the young girl?s hand.
?Sure mommy, what do you need me to get?? The young girl asked her mother.
Her mother smiled at her, ?A book honey. It?s in the other room, it?s in this really big box with this heart on it.?
The young girl rushed over to the other room, pumping her legs so she could make her mother happy. She retrieved the book and flee gleefully back to her mother.
The book her mother asked her to bring dropped to the ground. ?Mommy?? She asked. The young girl rushed over to her mother, touching her hand. She pulled back when nothing but ice reached her skin. She asked for her mother again. Suddenly she cried out, and sobbed. Her mother...
I opened my eyes again. My mother had died of a sickness from giving birth to me. I?ve never known that until I was ten, asking my father why my mother died. When I was sixteen, I finally understood the complications my mother had to bear to bring me into this world.
I caused my brother to be driven away, and I caused my father to be burdened with great guilt. And me? I didn?t deserve to live. How is it that I could be loved when I caused so much pain to those who are important to me?
I blinked back tears. Suddenly I felt anger raise into me and I started to walk towards the swing. My hands gripped at the chains, remembering the images and memories that flowed into my mind like a river. I couldn?t remember the faces but I could remember the important details.
The sea...I loved the sea when I was growing up. I bent backward, leaning back and than back, swinging my legs until I could feel like I was flying. I may be twenty one, but I loved to swing. I had loved to swing when I was young and it was my release when things like singing went wrong.
I closed my eyes, remembering the sea. It felt like I was running into a portal, being back into the past again. When I was around eleven, I had begged my father to bring me to the beach. It had been my first time going to the beach since my mother died.
But I giggled when we were finally there. I had ran, jumping down the stairs and into the soft sand.
I could remember the sand, it was a strange white color that I remembered gathering up into my hands, and watching it slid through my fingers. I danced on top of the sand, it felt like snow. Snow was soft and silky, nice and cool, but sand was something that wouldn?t melt in your hands after a while.
I remembered the sky when I looked up at it when I fell down onto the sand. It was a bright blue, twirling above me as if it was a moving picture that I remembered seeing in a toy when my dad and I were shopping.
The clouds were thin, it seemed, and it flowed as if it was dancing. I saw the sun, bright and a golden color almost. It sparked everything, making the ocean looking as if they had crystals in them. The air was salty, fresh and clean. The seagulls were the music to the moment. Everything about the beach and sea gave me energy. I remembered the lightness I felt in my body with the bubbly happiness and my soft blue summer dress.
I saw my father sitting down in a chair he brought with him and kept himself shaded with an umbrella.
His eyes were sparkling it seemed, though I have no memory of what color his eyes were. I had no memory of what he wore, or how he sat down in the chair. Nor do I remember the smile he gave me. I think it was a grin.
Anyhow, I went to the sea. My bare feet feeling the soft coolness. I watched the waves, pulling up and driving forward before sliding down right in front of me with it?s foam tingling my feet. I went into the water, as far as I could go without my dress getting wet.
I remembered shells, I remembered the shells I collected and showed my father. They were all white, and I could remember washing them in the sea. They were full unlike the broken ones other people usually found.
That was because my mother told me a secret that I kept with me forever. It was that by digging deep enough into the sand where the waves came in, you could find crab shells and other shells.
I had liked one special one though. It took my hours to find it; I had collected about an entire bucket full of them that I set beside me so I could dump another shell into it. They were sparkling in the red bucket, it looked pink in the sun.
But the shell I loved most was in a hole I dug for almost an hour. It was a soft blue shell. Suddenly I remembered how my mother?s eyes looked like. They were light, like clouds and the sky mixed together in a soft blend. They had this soft pearl in them at the very edges with happiness.
I remembered almost seeing the clouds in the surface of that shell. So I rushed over to my father to show him. I think I forgot the other shells because I could only remember holding that one shell with me during the ride back home.
I opened my eyes, and I felt strange as I was flying up in the air. I sighed and stuck out my feet. Making sand fly around me as I stopped swinging.
I sat there for a moment. Thoughts racing though I had no clue of what the thoughts were. Me, Relena, wondered if my mother had to ever think about this when she married my mother.
Probably not. I?ve heard of my parent?s meetings, they met in college, fell in love and married and after my brother were born, twelve years later, my father left to fight in the war. My marriage is one that begun with some stupid deal, and now I was starting to fall in love with my husband.
But why would Heero want to fall in love with someone like me? I?ve read the magazines with Heero?s face on it, each with a different woman beside him. I?m nothing compared to those women, models, top models in the US.
*~*~**~*~*~*~*
I arrived back at the mansion around midnight. I don?t know where I went or the details but I do remember being at the park the most, than to the graveyard, than to my house.
The mansion was dark and I think Heero sent everyone home. The open windows poured the moonlight in, casting the imprints of windows to the stairs and floors. I looked into the large living room, wondering if maybe Heero was in there.
He wasn?t so I walked up the stairs after placing my shoes by the door and draped my jacket over a couch. I walked up the stairs and opened the doors.
It felt like someone ripped my chest opened and ripped my heart out. My eyes widened and tears silently traveled down my cheeks.
Moan...
I saw Heero, I saw Slyvia. My heart crumbled. I closed the door and breathed, trying to calm down. I slouched and started walking down the hall towards the stairs that lead to the ballroom. Suddenly...
Clang!
Glass pricked my skin, pain overwhelmed me. I was flung with force towards the wall and slunk slowly towards the ground. My back dragged along the wall and when I reached towards the ground, I groaned with pain. I smelled poison and the gas entered my system and I simply saw a shadow run away. I could see his face and more tears slid onto my cheeks.
My mind clouded, urging me to sleep but I knew that if I slept, I might never wake up again. I felt my body lack as blood flowed out of my body and the glass that had fallen before, sunk deeper into my body. And all I could see was Heero and Slyvia, making love. I wish I had told him earlier that I love him instead I had to walk in the park and think of who I wanted to be. The girl I had been who was standing up for what she believed in or the girl who went to parties with her husband too often than she liked.
Than I thought that morning, that I could be both. That I could decline and stay at home and be at peace or walk by my old house. I would still be the same person. But when I came home late at night, I heard Heero and Slyvia and I saw. Why? Why can't I have happiness? What did I ever done wrong? But as the pain pricked me even more I thought to myself, I shouldn't care if I died. The one person I truly love, doesn't love me back. My friends are angry at me, and my past boyfriend...
I kept my eyes open vividly, to keep from falling into death. Maybe someone would find me in the morning. Soon the blood flowed and sunk into the carpet even more until I could see it and smell it like a strong clone someone had sprayed on too much.
No...
Author?s Notes: Wow. Oh and please take this poll to find out what happens next.
What should happen to Relena? How do you think Heero should feel? And what about Sylvia?
A)Make Relena die and have Heero mourn over her death. And who cares about Sylvia?
B)Make Relena go into a coma and Heero feeling great guilt with Sylvia begging Heero to be with her and forget Relena?
C)Make Relena die, make Heero don?t care and marry Sylvia?
Or
D)Relena dies, Heero kills himself and Sylvia...who cares about her?
Take this poll to make the next chapter more interesting.
And don?t forget to review and add you?re vote in!!!
, but i got to admit, i want heero and relena to get together... *goes off and cries* 
I don't think I should give any death fics support here... dang 
)
i would never kill them. 
