Platonic Love ? Chapter Six ? I Love You, I Leave You
By Kilmeny
Disclaimers: Gundam Wing belongs to Sunrise. Any songs or quotes belong to their authors listed with them. This story is not being used to make a profit.
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Chapter Six ? I Love You, I Leave You
Once Duo had shut the door to his room, he put the crutches against the wall and peeled off his shirt and pants before falling back on his bed. He felt clammy all over. He stared at the ceiling, wishing he was able to pace the room without crutches. It was unlike him to sit still when he was upset.
Hilde loved him. Hilde was leaving.
This wasn?t right. But what could he do when she had already made up her mind? There was no changing that girl?s mind. But how could he take care of her if she was away, and if he had hurt her beyond repair? Surely though, he hadn?t permanently broken her heart. She would see that there was someone better for her than him. But this didn?t comfort him. Right now she was hurting, and there was nothing he could do about it. And if there was someone better for her . . . well, he wasn?t too keen on meeting that person.
Why did she love him? What did he have to offer her? Despite his vow to take care of her, half the time she ended up taking care of him. What woman wanted a man who was unsettled over nightmares, who left her periodically for dangerous missions, who was a disaster waiting to happen in the house, and who never knew when to keep his mouth shut, much less how to say the right thing? All in all he was not the ideal man for her. But neither was anyone else he knew.
As for his own feelings, he didn?t know what to think. He had never thought of Hilde as anything more than a friend or a sisterly figure to protect. Well, that wasn?t entirely true. Sometimes her beauty and femininity became obvious enough to give him urges to treat her as something entirely different than a friend or a sister. But he chalked that up to the inevitable effects of testosterone.
And then there was Lorelei . . . she was an amazing woman. He had never met anyone like her, and she wanted him. And he could really talk to her; she was witty and clever, confident, and absolutely gorgeous. She had everything he had been searching for. So right now he couldn?t tell Hilde he loved her back?because there were too many other feelings he had that conflicted with that idea. And he wouldn?t lie to her, even if it meant that she?d feel better or that she would stay.
Rolling over, he clutched a pillow to him and tried to fall asleep. It wouldn?t hurt to try to convince her to stay. Maybe he?d be fortunate enough to dissolve her stubbornness.
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The next morning Duo quietly let Max out of Hilde?s room so that he could ?help? him fix her some breakfast. As he wheeled to her room with Max happily traipsing along behind him, the prepared breakfast tray on his lap, he began to feel clammy again, and his heart was beating faster than usual. He had no idea what to say to her.
With difficulty he maneuvered himself into her room and set the tray on her nightstand. Max jumped on the bed and began to approach Hilde?s sleeping form, but Duo held him back. Mesmerized, he stared at the delicate features of her face, a face he probably wouldn?t see sleeping again. He was reminded of that day in the hospital. Her color was better this time, but the solemn expression on her face was the same. He wished her sleep at least could be peaceful. Maybe if he spoke to her, the way he had in the hospital . . .
?I?m not going anywhere, Hilde,? he said softly, ?I?ll always be here to take care of you if you come back to me. I?m still going to do everything I can to take care of you.? Heart pounding, he wondered what she would do if he kissed her, but he decided against this. It wouldn?t be fair to her . . . for a number of reasons.
Max, however, was unable to restrain himself. He crawled up to Hilde?s face and licked her cheek, then nuzzled his cold, wet nose on her neck. She made a sleepy noise as her eyes fluttered open. Duo soon came into focus. Quickly she sat up and pushed herself back against the headboard, as if she was trying to escape him.
Duo found himself blushing and unable to think of anything to say. Finally, after an awkward silence and a miserable look from Hilde, he said, ?I made you some breakfast.?
She followed his gaze over to the nightstand and stared at her breakfast as she shifted uncomfortably. ?Thank you, Duo . . . but what is this all about??
He went to pick up her hand but decided against this. ?Well, I guess I wanted to make you feel better and maybe talk about this some more.? With this, he placed the tray on her lap, searching her face in the same way Blake had done the night before.
Worriedly, Hilde asked, ?Aren?t you going to eat with me?? She couldn?t imagine trying to talk while he was watching her, much less while he was watching her eat.
?Oh, yeah!? he said hurriedly, wheeling out of the room to get his own tray. He returned all too soon.
As they began eating, Duo said, ?I?ve thought about what you told me, Hilde. I- I care about you a lot, and I want you to stay here with me.?
?I?m not in a position to reconsider,? she deadpanned.
Duo?s face fell. ?But why? Why are you being so stubborn? I don?t understand why you have to leave me. I vowed to protect and care for you, Hilde. And I don?t intend to break that vow. How can I care for you if you leave me??
?The best way to do that is to understand and let me go.?
?But I can?t understand??
?We made another promise, remember??
?Damn that promise! We never expected this to happen!?
Jaw jutting out, she firmly stated, ?This is the best thing for the both of us.?
Duo shook his head, looking at her sadly. ?How can it be if we?re no longer friends??
She sighed. ?Duo, we?ll always be friends, and we?ll still see each other at work and school. As for you understanding this?I think you?ll find out on your own, eventually.?
Her reply was met with sullen silence but for a soft whimper from Max. It won?t be the same, he thought, but didn?t voice this as he knew it would hurt her, and it wasn?t her fault anyway. He stared down at his food in thought. ?When are you moving out?? he asked glumly.
?Tomorrow morning.?
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Tomorrow morning came?along with Blake, a moving van, and some of Hilde?s friends who came in and out of the house repeatedly to move her boxes. Duo eventually emerged from his room and found himself face to face with Hilde, a box in her arms. They stared at each other for a moment.
?I suppose you?d like me to help,? he said.
?Not if you don?t want to. Besides, you?re in no condition to be of much help. I?m sorry if we?re in your way,? she turned her head and made her way down the hall.
?I want you in my way,? he whispered when she was out of earshot.
He hobbled on his crutches to the front window, a sickening feeling in his stomach as he watched them load the van. He turned and made his way to his office, closing the door and the blinds.
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Her room was completely bare now. A shaft of light shone unfiltered through the window; the purple drapes no longer darkened the room. She numbly watched the dust particles drift through the light until the sound of the truck door slamming startled her. Then for one desperate moment, she imagined that the last three years she had spent here were a waste. But if she had never met Duo, never lived part of her life with him, then who would she be now? Smiling softly, she knew that the last three years had been a blessing, whatever else they might be.
Duo had locked himself in his office or had stayed in the garage nearly all day. Did he even want to say ?goodbye? to her?
?It looks like you?re ready to head out.?
She gasped quietly and turned around to see Duo leaning on his crutches in the doorway. How long had he been watching her?
?I?m sorry I scared you.?
?No, it?s alright.? There was a pregnant pause in which they contemplated what they needed to say to one another.
?I was just thinking?? Hilde began.
?I?m really going to?? Duo said at the same time. They both stopped and held their breath. ?Go ahead,? he said, motioning to her encouragingly.
?I was just going to say that I was thinking about my last three years here and how much they meant to me.?
?The best three years of my life,? agreed Duo. Please stay, his eyes implored.
For the first time in her life, she felt truly shy around Duo. ?You?re not mad that I?m leaving, are you??
?Upset? Yes. Devastated? Yes. Confused? Yes. But I can?t stay angry with you . . . not when I?m going to miss you so much . . . and Max, too; you better bring him to work with you every day.?
She nodded, and heart beating rapidly, she said, ?I want you to know that the reason I?m doing this is because I truly believe that it?s the right thing for both of us. I didn?t plan on telling you my feelings, but I couldn?t lie when you asked. And so I just need you to realize that I never meant to make you feel bad or pressure you in any way.? She laughed nervously. ?I love you? and I can leave it at that. You?ve done so much for me already; how could I ask for more??
Heart grieved, he replied, ?I- I don?t even know what to think anymore.?
She nodded again, then stepped toward him and kissed him quickly on the cheek, lowering her head to hide the tears that pricked her eyes. ?Well, goodbye then.?
?Goodbye, Hilde,? he said quietly, continuing to stare into her empty room as she made her way past him. A moment later, he heard the screen door shut. A blanket of emptiness and gloom settled over the house, and Duo turned and trudged through it to his bed, seeking what little haven he could in sleep. But the thought kept running through his mind that now the most important part of his life was no longer part of his home.
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?Are you sure you can finish up on your own?? asked Blake, hands in his back pockets, towering in her new kitchen?s doorway.
?Yes. Thank you,? Hilde assured him.
?Okay, well, call me if you need me. Take care.? He smiled and let himself out of her apartment.
Max started sniffing at a bag of groceries she had set down at her feet. ?Just like Duo, you?re always hungry,? she said, scooping him up and carrying him around her apartment. All of the large furniture was set up the way she wanted it, but the walls and shelves were empty of pictures or niceties. She wondered whether she should put up any pictures of Duo. Or should I consider that part of my life as over?
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?Duo, what?s going on? You?ve hardly talked to me the last three days, and I find out that Hilde?s moved out. What happened?? Lorelei stood with her arms crossed, watching Duo as he leaned precariously over the open hood of a car, having temporarily abandoned his crutches.
?It?s a long story,? he grunted, talking into the engine.
?I don?t think you should be working on the cars in your condition.?
?I?m not going to shirk my duties anymore just because of a stupid broken leg,? he declared, taking up his crutches again to retrieve a tool he had forgotten at his workbench. The truth of the matter was that he needed an outlet for the surge of emotions he had been experiencing recently.
?I really want to know what happened,? said Lorelei, following him.
He sighed and stopped to look at her. ?She?s in love with me, Lorelei. Does that satisfy your curiosity?? He selected the needed tool and headed back to the car, leaving Lorelei blinking where she stood. But soon she caught up with him and opened her mouth to speak again.
Duo cut her off. ?It?s not an easy thing to handle, having your best friend totally change the friendship you had been so familiar with. That?s why I?ve been so distant lately. I had a lot of things to think about.?
?What- what did you tell her??
He looked her carefully in the eye, answering, ?That I didn?t know what to say or how to feel. I wanted her to stay, but she had it in her head that she should leave, for whatever reason. And I had to let her . . . and now everything?s different.?
She looked down and said quietly, ?This doesn?t change anything between us, does it??
He frowned. ?No.? Then he turned back to the car.
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He was in a small glade. The ground was sun-dappled and springy. Ferns and other plant life covered the forest floor; it was beautiful. He continued to look around, wondering why he was here. ?It?s the perfect place for me to find the relaxation I?ve needed lately,? he said. He laid down on a patch of grass and crossed his arms behind his head. A peaceful feeling settled over him as he watched the wind in the trees and the changing shapes of the clouds above him.
?How did you find your way here??
It was Hilde! She was leaning over him with an unreadable expression, her hair falling in her face.
He sat up. ?I thought you invited me here,? he answered. Why had he said that? He didn?t remember how he had arrived there, much less whether or not she had invited him. But he had a feeling that she had.
She drew back, looking a little confused. Then she sat down in front of him, her feet tucked neatly beneath her. Neither said anything or appeared to need to say anything.
Hilde was making a crown of flowers for her hair. He watched as her small and slender hands expertly threaded the flowers together. She was humming to herself.
Contentment swelled within his chest. ?I wish I had answered on your invitation sooner.?
?What do you mean?? she asked, raising her face. It was still emotionless. ?You haven?t. You?re not here with me.? Her voice was hollow, and suddenly his vision began to darken. The glade, along with Hilde?everything?was beginning to fade from view.
Panic took over. At first he thought he was blind, but when he reached out to touch Hilde, she wasn?t there. The ground was now cold and wet; it was solid stone. The air was thin. His chest heaved as he tried to suck in air. What did he have to do to get back to that place?
Or had he ever really been there?
Immediately after this thought, the dim outlines of the furniture in his room came into view. Sweat trickled across his temple as he blinked up at the ceiling, chest still heaving.
It had been four weeks, four weeks of her avoiding him at work, four weeks of a constant stomachache, long nights visited by nightmares, and the drudgery of school and work. The house was always empty when he came back to it. The food he made was bland, and there was no one to share it with. His bed was no longer a refuge. Nothing was neat and tidy anymore, not even his thoughts. In fact his thoughts were the worst. But he didn?t want to think about thinking now.
He had to talk to her. He threw off his covers, prepared to go over to the vid-phone and call her when he realized that he didn?t have her phone number. He froze; a mixture of anger and panic swept over him. She had never even given him her phone number or address. In the tumult of her last couple days with him, he hadn?t even thought to ask what apartment complex she had moved into. And she purposely avoided telling me, he thought, gritting his teeth. The bed squeaked as he flopped back onto it. She?s not going to get away with it though. I?ll follow her home if I have to.
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He who loves the more is the inferior and must suffer.
-Thomas Mann
The females of all species are most dangerous when they appear to retreat.
-Donald Robert Perry Marquis
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To Be Continued
Platonic Love - Ch. 6 - I Love You, I Leave You
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