New Orders - Chapter 6 Hey, Baby.

[Amidala]

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed.
As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum.

Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Keep them coming and I will keep my chapters coming. Thank you to those who understand that this is not a 'serious' story. It was never intended to be "accurate to the series". Just FUN!




New Orders
Hey, Baby by
No. 192455631

Alucard entered Walter's office having awakened ready for the evening and not sensing his master in the manor. The Hellsing retainer seemed to be a bit angry about something.

Without turning around, Walter addressed the Hellsing vampire. "I acquired more bullets as per your request, Alucard. But you really should be conserving your ammunition. I know that Sir Integra gave you orders to train Miss Victoria but using up all of Sir Integra's target practice ammunition in one night is probably not what she had in mind." Walter replied. "I do not think she would approve of your using her gun either."

"Leave Integra to me." Alucard responded.

Walter sighed. "Why don't you go and continue your training? I am sure it is what Sir Integra would want you to be doing."

"I have a question for you first." Alucard replied. "Integra is out at the apartment waiting for another date, is she not?"

"She is and you know you are under orders not to go near her while she is out on a date, Alucard." Walter responded.

"I have no intention of interfering with one of her dates. She seems to have enough fun without me." Alucard snickered. "What I want to know is this. Just how much longer do you intend to continue this? You know as well as I that these men are not worthy of sharing the air that Integra breathes let alone sire her heir."

Walter gave the vampire a smile. "So, you've figured me out have you?"

"Indeed." Alucard replied. "Although I do so enjoy watching Integra as she comes home in the evening."

"You know as well as I that Sir Integra is a stubborn woman. She has a very high sense of honor. She holds in very high regard her duty to the Hellsing family and to her country." Walter replied. "Sooner or later, she will have to give in to her true feelings, and I do hope it's soon. I'm running out of candidates."

Alucard snickered. "The 'vampire' was classic. And the last one was quite tasty."

Walter sighed. He had heard about the gentleman's mysterious and untimely death in the news. "I hope for her sanity that Integra sees the light soon, or should I say darkness?"

With that, Alucard gave Walter a disturbing grin and vanished into the shadow.


Integral sat on her sofa enjoying a cigar as she waited. It was becoming a nightly ritual that she was beginning to dread. After her past couple of dates she was beginning to lose all hope for the male species.

There was a knock on the door. Her date for the evening had arrived. She put out her cigar and got up to answer the door. Upon opening the door, she was immediately overwhelmed by the smell of cheap cologne and breath spray.

The gentleman, if he could be called that, was leaning against the door jam and grinning. He was dressed in a pair of green slacks, a bright blue sports jacket with a pink shirt unbuttoned half way down his chest to reveal a disturbing amount of hair and enough jewelry that could be melted down into several rounds of ammunition if it was silver instead of gold.

"Hey, baby." The man replied emphasizing the 'h' causing Integral to get a face full of breath spray breath. "Are you ready to tear up the town?"

Integral didn't know what to make of the man standing before her. What in the world was Walter thinking?

"I'm Stan. Stan, the man." He replied. "You must be Intergral."

Integral cringed at the mispronouncing of her name. "Integral." She corrected.

"That's hardly a name suited for a babe such as yourself." Stan replied leaning in closer.

Integral tried to remain calm. She would not hesitate to slap him if he got too close.

Alucard was in a rather good mood, Seras thought as she watched her master toy with the freak vampire. This one was quite skilled but still no match for her master. She began to think that Alucard was deliberately toying with him to give her some lessons. Then there was the mere fact that Alucard was simply having fun since Sir Integra wasn't around to yell at him to stop goofing off. Besides, watching her master at play was certainly better than spending the evening getting shot at. She was dreading her next training session, but she was dreading facing Sir Integra only slightly more.


Integral had had enough. This was the fifth restaurant of the evening that Stan tried to get into. As with the others he was denied entry. All of his phony names and so-called contacts were getting him nowhere and Integral was getting hungry. However, this restaurant was different. She knew this one well, having come here many times with her family and father while he was still in good health. She hoped that there was still somebody there who remembered her as it had been a while since her last visit. Integral turned to Stan and told him that she needed to use the rest room.

She was in luck. Near the kitchen she found one of the older waiters. He noticed her and came over.

"Little Lady Hellsing." He replied. "It's been a while. I suppose I shouldn't call you that anymore should I? It's Sir Hellsing now isn't it?"

"Yes, it has been a while, Gerard." Integral replied. "May I ask a favor of you?"

"This wouldn't have anything to do with the 'family business', would it?" Gerard asked.

Integral chuckled. "No. Nothing like that." Integral replied. "It's just that I'm starving and I fear that he will be at that all evening if we don't get seated a restaurant soon. I know it's busy, but if there is anything that you can do, I would be grateful."

Gerard looked over towards the ma?tre d'. "Oh, my. How in the world did you end up as company with a man like that for the evening?"

"Don't ask." Integral replied.

"Well, I believe there is private dining area that your family used." Gerard replied. "I will check."

"Thank you."

Integral left to go back to the arguing Stan. Moments later Gerard appeared whispering something to the ma?tre d'.

The ma?tre d' nodded and turned to Stan. "I'm terribly sorry. There has been some sort of a mix-up. Gerard will take you to your private dining room."

Stan laughed in the ma?tre d' 's face then offered Integral his arm. Integral refused to take it as they followed Gerard. "I can't believe that they could have made such a mistake." Stan replied playing it cool. "I'm so insulted."

Integral shook her head as they walked to the dining room. She was going to strangle Walter when she got home.


Alucard decided that it was time to go home. He was getting rather tired of the freak vampire's gloating about how strong he was and how Alucard could not kill him. Calmly, Alucard pulled the Casull from his coat pocket and shot him reducing him to a pile of dust. He then turned to Seras who had been watching the whole time.

"Time to go, Police Girl." He replied. "Did you learn anything?"

Seras swallowed. "Uh...." Alucard disappeared.

Walter was not happy when the Hellsing vampire appeared before him.

"Target is silenced." Alucard announced.

"Sir Integra will not be pleased. You took far too much time, Alucard." Walter scolded knowing that it probably wouldn't do a bit of good.

Alucard grinned. "I was just following my masters orders." He responded.

"You know Sir Integra likes the targets terminated as quickly as possible, Alucard. And you have orders to be training Miss Victoria. I know that Sir Integra would not be pleased to know that you were fooling around on the battle field." Walter replied.

"The police girl was watching." Alucard replied.

Walter sighed.

At that moment Seras caught up. She looked at both Walter and her master. She had missed something.


Integral tired to enjoy her meal. This was a place where she had spent time with her father. She remembered a few times when her mother was here as well. But she was all too aware that the check would be arriving soon, and Stan, the man, would most likely try to swindle his way out of it as well.

All through dinner, Stan talked about one thing or another, mostly about himself, though. Integral really didn't pay him much attention. After her date with Kurt, she found it much easier to just tune him out, although the fumes from his cologne made it impossible to ignore him completely.

After desert, the check arrived. Stan whipped out a credit card and handed it to Gerard, who returned moments later asking Stan if he had another as the one he had given him was declined.

Stan made a big stink, going on about the lousy service and how he shouldn't even have to pay since the food tasted terrible and was not prepared the way he liked it.

Integral had such a headache. She wanted a cigar but the restaurant had a no smoking policy. She got up and excused herself to the restroom. Gerard met up with her.

"I am quite curious as to what you are doing in the company of that man, Sir Integral Hellsing." Gerard asked.

Integral sighed. "I am going to kill Walter for this one." She responded. "Tell me, does he still have an open account here?"

"Walter C. Ddollneazz? He still works for the Hellsing family?" Gerard asked.

"Yes, he does." Integral replied. "If he no longer is on account here charge it to mine. I will see to it that it is docked from his pay."

Gerard chuckled he walked over to the cashier with Integral following behind him. There was something going on, but he knew that it was not in his place to ask. He was privileged enough to be one of the few at the restaurant to actually know what the Hellsing 'family business' was. "Ah, yes. There he is. Everything has been taken care of."

"Good. Thank you, Gerard. I am terribly sorry." Integral replied.

"Please do not worry about it." Gerard replied. "It was a pleasure to see you again."

Integral returned to the table where Stan was waiting for her. She could smell his cologne from outside the room. She took a deep breath and quickly regretted doing so.

"Hey, Intergral, baby. What kept you?" Stan asked. "Did you need to take a dump or something? I hope the food was okay."

Integral cringed as she sat down. Alucard must not learn of this one. I will never hear the end of it if he does.

Moments later, Gerard appeared. He held out a bottle of wine for Stan. Integral recognized it as one of the cheapest on the list. "I am truly sorry for everything. Your check has been taken care of. I do hope that your next visit will be more enjoyable."

Integral tried not to laugh. Gerard was putting on quite the act. The wine was a nice touch. She made a note to herself to thank him later.

Stan took the wine and stood up. "Let's blow this joint, babe."

Integral groaned as Stan walked out without helping her up. She stood up shaking her head.


Seras whined. "Master, you keep moving. I can't tell where the bullets are coming from to dodge them when you keep moving like that."

Alucard sighed. He was getting a wee bit frustrated. He wanted to see how his master's date was going. He could feel the negative emotion pouring from her, more so this evening that he could previous evenings. But he was now under orders to stay away. So he turned his attention back to Seras Victoria and his master's other order: To train his little pet.

"Police Girl, your enemy will not pop out and announce their position to you. There may be multiple shooters as well." Alucard replied.

"Well, I've never seen you dodge." Seras snapped.

Alucard handed Seras Integral's gun. "You're turn, Police Girl."

Taking the gun, Seras waited until Alucard got into position and started firing, emptying the clip. Alucard eluded every shot. He caught a few bullets in his hand. He returned to Seras' position and exchanged the spent bullets for his master's gun.

"Satisfied?" he asked.

Seras grumbled and returned to her previous position as Alucard loaded another clip.


Integral could not believe where Stan brought her to next. She didn't know what to expect but this was certainly the last place she expected to be taken to on a date. There was no discernable name on the establishment, but the large neon sigh read "LIVE LIVE NUDE NUDE!" in bright orange letters.

Stan found them a table in front of the stage. The room was crowded and the stench of cigarette smoke filled the air so thick, Integral found it had to breath. At least she could no longer smell Stan's cheap cologne. The pulsating music and strobing lights made her headache worse. The sight of naked females gyrating their naked bodies in her face was the final straw.

Integral got up and walked out. She took out a cigar and lit it, savoring its taste. She then took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She couldn't believe what she was about to do. She opened her eyes and took a deep drag of her cigar, slowly exhaling.

"ALUCARD!"


Alucard had emptied yet another clip. Seras was not improving as much as he had hoped she would be. He knew that his master would not be pleased. He put the gun in his coat. "Rest, Police Girl," he replied.

Seras was relived as she walked up to Alucard. "Master, why are you putting me through this training all of a sudden?" she asked. "I thought you told me that you would allow me to learn and develop at my own pace."

"My master's orders." Alucard answered. Seras was saying something but Alucard did not hear her. He instead heard something that he didn't figure to hear and grinned. "I must go." He replied.

"Master...."

Alucard had disappeared.


Integral waited impatiently. She felt his presence first as he appeared before her with that grin of his. "No a word, Alucard." She glared.

Alucard's grin grew wider when he realized where he was, and where Integral had apparently just come from. He knew that if he valued his existence it was wise not to say a word about the strip club or laugh at his master. "Do I get to feed again tonight, Master?" he asked.

"No. I am afraid that you will be poisoned by the toxicity of the breath spray in his blood." Integral replied. "Take me home."

Just as he was about to teleport the two of them away, Alucard smelled him. He grinned. Time for some fun. Integral glared at Alucard.

"Hey there, sexy, where did you run off to? Food's ready. Who is this guy?" Stan responded.

Food? Integral thought. My god. He was eating again? The man ate an entire appetizer, an entr?e meant for two, and four deserts?! How could he even think of food? Integral felt sick.

"Intergral? You feeling okay?" Stan asked.

Alucard chuckled at the mispronunciation of Integra's name. No doubt his master hated that. "You date is over." Alucard replied. "I suggest you return to your naked ladies. You are not worthy to be in the presence of my master any longer. Consider yourself lucky."

Stan took up a fighting stance. "Come on. Fight me. You can't just waltz up to my girl and take her away like that."

Alucard grinned. "Do you really wish to fight me?"

"For the girl, yes." Stan replied.

Alucard held out his arms. "Well, then, take you best shot, or two."

Stan screamed and took a swing at Alucard that normally would have floored a man his size.

"Impressive. You are strong." Alucard replied.

Integral shook her head. "Alucard, enough." She replied. "He isn't worth the trouble."

Alucard nodded and hit Stan on the head knocking him out. He then disappeared into the darkness with his master.


Next chapter: an interlude...

Hey, I just thought of something... when I ever do get to the AxI I could make a LEMON chapter just for you guys since I can't post it on ff.net.. hmmm... would be a first... a real lemon that is.

[pilot03]

Hell ya!!! Great chapter. If you do decide to hit us with some citrus, I won't complain.

[Eden]

That was great! I loved how you made Seras get huffy over Alucard's ease to dodge bullets. Great stuff!

Yes! You must write lemonly goodness! We really do appreciate that sort of thing around here. There simply arn't enough of those to make them uninteresting, know what I mean?

Well, till next time!

~Eden

[Stella]

I vote for a lemon!

BI Hellsing group: *dies of shock - not really*

I think this one was my favorite chapter. And believe me, Queer Eye for the Straight Vampire was hard to top!

And did I mention that a lemon was a good idea...

Thanks for another fun chapter!

Stella

[melrose_stormhaven]

LEMON! LEMON!! LEMON!!!
SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX....

that was blunt...anyway, keep this up! This is good stuff!!!

[Amidala]

*laughs* Oh, boy. Okay. I will atempt to write my first LEMON when I get there!

Thanks for the reviews!