Continuity: Figurative Brotherhood
Length: One-shot
Pairings: 1xR, some 2xH
Prompt: None
Teaser: "I'm not buying that Relena watches..." Duo hunched down and picked out a random title from the box. "...'Sexorcist IV: Lust of the Damned,'" he read. "What is this crap?"
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5227951/5/F ... rotherhood
Disclaimer: GW = not mine.
Author's Note: Cause we all know Relena's a Bro.
Wait...does that make Heero the chick? Oh well... Also, Sexorcist is a real movie. No, I haven't watched it.Figurative Brotherhood
by mistress amethyst une
Visual Aids
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Amendment IV
A Bro shall never turn away a Bro who shows up uninvited at his door with a box of porn.
Amendment V
If your Bro finds himself living with a chick, it is no longer acceptable for you to show up uninvited at his door with a box of porn.
Amendment VI
Okay, if a Bro desperately needs to stash his porn somewhere, he is allowed to show up uninvited at his Bro's door with a box of porn, even if his Bro is living with a chick. Since the Bro's connection with his porn undoubtedly constitutes an older and more meaningful relationship, the box of porn is afforded right of way over the live-in girlfriend, despite the porn's inability to get super pissed and withhold sex for the night.
--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 189
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Duo Maxwell answered the door in a drowsy haze, wondering if he had walked into a particularly unpleasant dream as the figure before him finally came into focus.
Heero Yuy.
Holding a box.
Heero Yuy holding a box.
Heero Yuy brandishing a holo-disc from the box so Duo Maxwell would know what the box contained.
Duo Maxwell slamming the door in Heero Yuy's face.
Heero Yuy holding the door open at risk of finger amputation.
"It's not mine," said Heero, shoving his way into his comrade's apartment. "I need some place to hide it until I can find a proper method of disposal."
Duo stifled a yawn. "What makes you think it's ok to stash porn over here at six in the morning? Hilde's asleep upstairs. And what do you mean it's not yours? Oh wait, don't tell me. You stole research material to please the princess, and she got pissed when she found it."
"No," stated Heero, looking his comrade in the eye with a seriousness reserved for funerals, as he set the box down on the floor. "It's hers."
"Hers?" mimicked Duo, not entirely understanding what the word implied after pulling an eighteen hour shift, and having his glorious rest interrupted. "By hers, you mean- You're seeing some sleezebag whore on the side, aren't you? I'm not buying that Relena watches..."
Duo hunched down and picked out a random title from the box.
"...'Sexorcist IV: Lust of the Damned,'" he read. "What is this crap?"
"I'm going to pretend you didn't just imply my employer has the morals of a skank. The simple fact that you could accuse me of being unfaithful to her betrays your ailing mental state."
"Still can't say girlfriend, can you?" sighed Duo. "Typical. Psh...employer. Next you'll be calling her your sexual relations officer or your-"
Heero's glare could have melted Gundanium.
"I should stop. Fine, fine. Anyways, I'm just saying you shouldn't have to have a nice formal name for everything. So how exactly did you end up with this...receptacle of adult entertainment?"
"Dorothy."
"Of course. The future Mrs. Winner. Queen of the lascivious."
"Do you have any idea what you're saying?"
Duo shrugged, loose lipped from lack of sleep. "What? I can have a vocabulary. Unlike you, I actually paid attention in class whenever we went undercover. Anyway, what's she got to do with it?"
"Dorothy saw fit to cheer Relena up while I was away."
"With porn?"
"With porn."
"I'm not going to cry over him," growled Relena, trying to keep her mind focused on the latest piece of legislation begging for her signature. "So, you see, Dorothy, there really is no need to offer comfort. I don't need comforting."
"I'll say," smirked Dorothy, sitting calmly before Relena's desk, closed carton box at her feet. "Though you do appear...frustrated."
"Pissed. Six months away on special assignment, and he gave me no notice."
"Going to miss him?"
"Going to handle the fiasco he left behind at the security department. Heero Yuy is a fucking whirlwind. Whisks me off my feet then drops me like nobody's business. Doesn't even think about the damage he leaves in his wake. And who has to pick up the pieces? Me, of course."
Relena was red in the face. All that suppressed sorrow was manifesting itself as rage. Not to mention the fact that Heero had left the sexual tension between him and the princess largely unresolved...
"A kiss in the night," she snarled. "And then he disappears just like that. Gives me a taste, leaves me wanting... What did he hope to accomplish by that?"
Dorothy sighed. "Men are strange creatures. Which is why I brought you this..."
She took the carton and placed it on Relena's desk.
"What is it?" asked Relena as Dorothy opened the box for her friend's appraisal.
"The summation of men's shallow desires," replied Dorothy.
"Porn?"
"Porn."
"What does this have to do with-"
"He didn't screw you, did he?"
"No, but-"
"You would have let him though? That night he kissed you before he left."
"Well, yes. But what does that have to do with-"
"I've seen the way he looks at you. All the way back to Sank. He's always wanted you sexually. You two have a spark. To put it bluntly, you're his perfect vehicle for procreation, the most fun ride he'll ever have. Only recently have I seen something else."
Relena was far too stunned to speak. Dorothy had lost her at "perfect vehicle for procreation."
"He doesn't want to take the ride, Miss Relena. He doesn't think he's supposed to. To him, you're more than a means to a pleasurable end. He cares about you."
Dorothy took a holo-disc and slammed it onto the desk for dramatic effect. "You're not just a shallow desire. It's why he resists you. He's never wanted anything so badly before, and it scares him. More than that, he wants to become yours, and he doesn't understand why. To become one with you in body would mean never wanting to part from you again. What if you decided you didn't want him in equal measures? He fears the pain of that more than anything, more than death. And so he's left in one final futile attempt to cleanse himself of his desire for you. Mark my words, he will fail."
"What makes you say that?" asked Relena, her voice merely a whisper now.
"He came to kiss you before he left, didn't he? When you're absolutely sure about turning your back on something, you don't look back. He looked back and then some. He'll be at your feet in no time. Give him hell."
Cue dramatic exit. Dorothy turned her back and headed for the door.
"Um, Dorothy?"
"Yes, Miss Relena?" she replied, back still turned as she continued making her way out.
"Your porn?"
"Oh, that. Keep it. I just brought it to prove a point. Visual aids to help illustrate the abstract concept and whatnot. Maybe it'll cheer you up. Get those fingers moving. Sexual frustration makes for an incompetent politician."
The limited edition release of "Sexhibitionism Uncut" hit the door as it closed behind the heiress.
"And Relena told you all this?" asked Duo, nursing a cup of coffee at the breakfast table as Heero sat opposite him, the box of porn between them.
"Yes."
"Sounds about right. You really did piss her off. Half of us were hoping you wouldn't come back since she didn't really need first degree murder ending her carreer..."
"And the other half?"
"Wanted you to come back so she could kill you for making her so damned miserable. Sorry to say I belonged in that half, buddy. If anybody in this universe deserves to be happy, it's her. Took a toll on everyone when she was in her funk. She sorta improved a few months in. Must've been when Dorothy stepped in..."
Heero took a deep breath, knowing he would forever carry the weight of that guilt on his shoulders. "I know she deserves to be happy. More than anyone. Being at her side is a privilege I don't take lightly. To think I hurt her-"
"I won't have angst at my table," interrupted a female voice.
"Hey, babe," smiled Duo. "Why'd you get up?"
Hilde took a seat, failing to stifle a yawn. "Porn for breakfast?"
"Long story," replied Duo.
"It's fine," she said, starting off a rapid fire litany of short statements. "I don't want to hear it. Too tired. Just checking up on you. Come back to bed soon, ok? I think I can catch a few more hours. Heero, if you're hiding your porn from Miss Relena, the guest room closet's free. If it's Duo's, do me a favor and knock the stuffing out of him."
"It's not mine, babe."
"Right, right. You never lie," she sighed.
She rose and left a kiss on Duo's cheek before retreating back to the bedroom. He gazed longingly after her, admiring how well she wore his boxers. Damn, those legs- Heero coughed.
"Oh yeah, right. You were saying?"
"I'm just not comfortable knowing I hurt her. She's more than I deserve."
"Glad you know that," snorted Duo. "You're exactly what she deserves though."
"How is that?"
"You said it yourself. She deserves to be happy. You make her happy. Do the math. You hurt her in the past so now you have to spend your whole life making it up to her."
Heero frowned a bit. "Last I heard, life sentences weren't meant to be enjoyable."
Duo put his empty mug down on the table, sighing in defeat. "You're hopeless, you know that?"
"I've been told many times by many people. Yes."
Duo took a deep breath. "Let's get this porn out of the way so I can kick your ass off my property. Wait...why exactly do you want to get rid of it? Dorothy used is as a prop, right? Relena hasn't actually been watching this stuff, has she?"
Heero cleared his throat. "She learned a lot during the six months I was away. Apparently, she's bested me in terms of research on this particular topic. As enjoyable as her experiments are, some of the others... I value my ability to walk, among other things. Some of the titles she has yet to view happen to feature maneuvers that would require me to dislocate certain parts of my anatomy. Also, stamina's been an issue of late and-"
"Okaaay...too much information," said Duo, not trying in the least to hide how disturbed he was as he carried the box to the guest room. "Just consider yourself lucky Hilde approves. If she'd said no, there's absolutely no way I'd let you keep this in here."
"Why? I've known you longer than Hilde."
"Yeah, but Hilde's hot. Really nice legs."
"Relena thinks I have nice legs."
Duo should have dropped that box right then and there. No, he should have used it to bludgeon Heero over the head. You don't go around saying things like that!
"Relena and I have different tastes. Very different tastes," Duo bit out, trying to keep his tone as calm as possible even as his frustration peaked. "Besides, Hilde can get really pissy. Kick me out. Or worse..."
"Worse?"
"No sex," shuddered Duo, placing the box in the closet. "Not gonna elaborate. Unlike you, I value my privacy enough not to tell disturbingly detailed stories about my sex life."
Heero smirked. "You thought that was detailed?"
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Another one-shot done.
Lol, I can just see Heero freaking Duo out with tales of *ehem* bravado...
Glad the "Relenasexual" line works. :p I was out of it when I thought that up. 4xD is my other OTP after 1xR so yeah...will write them a lot. Actually, I want to do a serious AU on them and 1xR soon. Posted about it on the First Aid for Writers forum. Would love your input on the concept. 