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Author's note: Here it goes my first fanfic for Bleach. I'm usually a very slow writer (if, by chance, someone read my InuYasha fanfic she/he knows what I'm talking about), but for this fanfic I waited until I had all chapters finished and betaed and I plan to publish them at regular intervals. The story is rather short (four chapter plus epilogue), so I guess I'll go with one chapter every three days.
Disclaimer:
'Bleach', along with all the characters, places, Zanpakutō, Kido and everything else had been created by Kubo Tite sensei.
The song quoted in this chapter is "Ten Black Roses" (The Rasmus, from 'Black Roses', 2008).
A big Thank you to my beta-reader, <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1487926/">[b]rukia23[/b]</a>, who did a wonderful (and fast!) job.
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<center>Black Roses
1 - Rangiku (The withered smile)
Skyless_star</center>
Through the glass you see the same faces
Hear the voices fade like a drone
When your life's a boat in a bottle
You're surrounded drifting alone
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Rangiku stared at the fireworks exploding in the sky of Seireitei. It was a feast day, the war against Aizen was over, Gotei 13's losses had been moderate and those who had been killed had been brought back to life by Orihime with the help of that large pink-haired Vizard. The Shinigami and the Vizard exiled one hundred years before because of Aizen had been allowed back in the Gotei 13's ranks and the Sotaichō had declared them and Orihime cleared of every accusation of treachery. Every thing was perfect, they had all the reason to celebrate and that was exactly what everyone was doing.
From the room behind her, she could hear the happy voices of all those that took part in the battle -even the humans and the Vizard- and she could make out the voice of Nanao, shouting at Kyōraku to come down from the table and stop his impromptu striptease. Usually, she would have rushed to see and, if the Sake in her body was enough, maybe she would have followed the Captain's lead, but at the moment the idea of someone acting in such a carefree and inconsiderate way made her angry. Even more considering there were children in the room.
Leaning on the balcony's railing and trying to block out of her head every noise coming from the hall, Rangiku wondered whether she should go back inside to avoid arousing suspicions. She who was always ready to celebrate for even the slightest occurrence, as well as one of the heroes that delivered the death blow to the three treacherous Captains, should have been the first to let go and gulp down alcohol. Too bad the fact she had finished off none other than the Captain that had saved her life as a kid had drastically cut down her will to celebrate.
At that moment, she just wished the party to be over as soon as possible so that she could go home and be alone with her own thoughts.
To tell the truth, she wanted to cry.
She heard more cries coming from the hall; a voice, resembling that of the green-haired Vizard, was telling 'Kensei' to show everyone that Vizard were a lot sexier than Shinigami. Maybe, Rangiku thought, they are too busy inside there to notice my absence. Right, the world seemed to spin even without her and, even more, without Gin.
Leaning a little off the railing, Rangiku tried to assess the height separating the first division's buildings from the rest of Seireitei, wondering if the idea of jumping was really that bad. While she was lost contemplating her own escape route, something passed in front of her eyes, moving back and forth. Caught off guard, Rangiku turned abruptly and noticed the dangling object was attached to an arm and in turn that arm was attached to...
?Shūhei!?
Taking in her reaction, he raised his eyebrows in an apologetic expression. ?Did I scare you??
?No...? She waved a hand in front of herself to assure him everything was fine. ?No, I was just distracted. No problem.?
?Then why are you out here alone instead of being inside enjoying Kyōraku-Taichō & Co. dancing half-naked on a table?? He said, his tone vaguely sarcastic. ?Sake?? So, that was the object he was waving under her nose.
?I'll gladly do without, thanks.? Rangiku leaned again on the railing and let her eyes wander far away.
?Without the Sake or without the striptease??
?Without both.? She absolutely didn't feel like getting drunk; not there, not in that moment, not with that atmosphere. And sincerely, even if she did always get along well with Shūhei, right then she hoped he'd leave her alone as soon as possible.
He didn't miss the hint of sadness and annoyance in Rangiku's tone. He put the jug and the cups on the railing -drinking alone wouldn't help cheer her up- and, looking at the Seireitei to avoid making her feel watched, he decided to ask the question he had gone there to ask.
?Listen, I know it's not my business, but... what's wrong?? Even looking away, he noticed how she instantly froze.
?Nothing... There's nothing wrong. Why do you ask?? She had turned her face toward him, but Shūhei managed to resist the urge to do the same.
?Because during all the time we've known each other, you've never turned down a cup of Sake and you've never failed to attend a party. You've been out here alone for more than an hour, you know??
?I... I'm just a little tired. That's all. Aside from that, I've never been better. Honestly. There's no need to worry.?
He wanted to point out that, if that was really all, she wouldn't have had a reason to deny something was wrong -not after the severe injuries she had suffered- but decided to cast the logic aside and ask her a more direct question. He turned toward her but then he lowered his eyes, as if he didn't feel worthy of looking her in the eyes.
?You are thinking about him, aren't you??
Rangiku opened her eyes wide, she wasn't expecting such a straightforward question and didn't know if she should feel offended, violated or elated by the fact someone had noticed.
?Shūhei, 'he' is no longer a topic worth discussing, don't you think?? She forced herself to use a carefree tone and look like she really meant it, but failed miserably.
Shūhei sighed. ?Listen, Rangiku-san, I don't want to make you talk about it if you don't want to, but... you see... I think I can understand, at least partially, what you are feeling, and I'm surely the last person who would think badly of you because of this, so...? He sighed again and this time he resolved to look her in the eyes. ?...I just want to say that, if you need to talk with someone, don't hesitate to ask me. Okay??
Rangiku stared at him for a moment, weighing his words. She just wanted to be left in peace and still didn't feel like talking about the things that had happened, but she couldn't get angry at him just because he was trying to be helpful; he simply came at the wrong time. Tightening one hand around the opposite arm, Rangiku lowered her eyes and nodded.
?I will.? Shūhei heard her whisper, despite all the screams coming from the hall that urged the Captains to take off everything -and that both Lieutenants wisely decided to ignore.
He waited a little while for Rangiku to begin to speak, but the whole time he spent staring at her she didn't even lift a finger, making him understand that maybe it wasn't the right time. After he collected the cups and the jug from the railing, Shūhei was about to tell her she could call him at any moment but, before he could do it, Rangiku gestured him to keep quiet.
Confused at first, when he sensed the Reiatsu of the substitute Shinigami and of the girl who had been abducted by Aizen coming out to the balcony, he guessed Rangiku did not want to be noticed. Luckily the light that came from the hall did not enlighten them directly, and that, together with the dark Kimono he was wearing and with his black hair, made him virtually invisible to anyone looking without paying attention.
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?STAY HERE, I'M GOING TO KILL THEM!?
?Calm down, Kurosaki-kun. They weren't doing anything wrong...?
?THEY WEREN'T?? Ichigo calmed down after realizing at who he has screaming. ?How could grown men be so irresponsible they'd strip down in front of a girl?? In truth nothing had happened yet -and probably Hiyori would kick Shinji before anything could happen- but all the encouragement the Captains were receiving were enough of a reason to get angry, at least for Ichigo.
?Maybe Urahara-san and the others didn't notice...?
?...You were there? I remind you that both Shinji and that drunkard Captain spent the whole night telling you how 'pretty' you are! And that Kensei? He seemed a relia-?
?Look at him, isn't he sweet?? Rukia cut in, with an overly sugary voice.
?I'd say that Carrot-top is jealous.? Renji answered in a mocking tone.-Took it out, it's not needed and I don't see Renji saying that. Good point.
Ichigo ignored the sudden heat on his cheeks and pointed a finger to the hand Renji was keeping behind Rukia's back. ?How about that? You took Rukia out of the hall too!?
?I was the one nearest to her; if she were to see something, Kuchiki-Taichō would have hung me up to a door by my b-? Renji stopped himself, not because there were two girls with them but because he wasn't willing to risk his captain hearing him and deciding to punishing him for his language using the same method he was describing. It wasn't like him to get his hands dirty like that, but one could never be too sure.
?By your... what, Renji-kun?? Orihime asked, genuinely unaware and curious about whatever Renji had almost said.
The glare Ichigo shot the Lieutenant spoke volumes about what would have happened to him had he answered, but luckily for him a sudden but small spike of Reiatsu caught their attention.
?What was that?? Orihime asked.
?It felt like someone using Shunpō.? Rukia answered, and then she turned to Renji. ?Do you know who it was??
Renji took a moment to analyze the last remnants of Reiatsu still in the air. Could it be that Shūhei finally managed to win Rangiku over after years spent talking about her? But... Her Reiatsu -and his, to a lesser extent- exuded sadness, it wasn't like that of someone who leaves a party for a night of love. Whatever it was, the following day he would pay Shūhei a visit and ask him if everything was alright.
?No.? He lied. ?Maybe we were mistaken.? The others didn't need to know.
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Hidden behind Shūhei, Rangiku observed Ichigo and Orihime coming on to the balcony beyond his shoulder; considering what happened and Ichigo's mood, it would take a long time to get back inside. Exactly what she needed, a heap of senseless chat about her superiors' inconsiderate behavior. She turned to Shūhei, who she didn't want to hold back.
'You can go, if you want.' She said, with only the movement of her lips.
Once again, Shūhei had perceived her state of mind and, notwithstanding the momentary distraction caused by the mention of the name 'Kensei', he had noticed that her will to stay away from everyone and everything was unchanged.
'They'll see you.' He objected, without letting out a single noise.
Before she could say anything, Renji and Rukia had joined the other two and begun joking with them with the same carefree attitude that only served to wound more those who already had a reason to feel wretched. Without really thinking about his actions, or wondering if she was fine with it, Shūhei took a firm hold of Rangiku's hand.
'Let's jump. At my three.'
Rangiku had clearly written on her face her astonishment of those words and wanted to say 'No' to not involve him in her misery, but Shūhei began to count all the same, in a tone -although silent- that left no space for any objection; after all, he knew she wouldn't stay behind, he could feel her need to get a breath of fresh air, to think about different things. And, exactly as he expected, when the time came they jumped in two.
They landed on the roof of a building not too far away and, after some Shunpō step in a random direction, Rangiku stopped, sliding her hand out of his.
?You didn't need to get away with me, Shūhei. You can go back, if you want.?
?And see the man I admired for a whole century dance bare-ass on a table? I'd rather not, thanks. I'd like to maintain a bit of esteem toward him.?
Rangiku said nothing. And he should have expected, after all, that a question of admiration and esteem would seem irrelevant in regard to what was going through her mind. They shared a heavy silence for a while, until he decided to relieve her of the embarrassment.
?Look, I can go back if you don't want my company.? It was a sincere offer, but the exact moment he began to utter the words, he realized they could be interpreted as an effort to make her feel guilty.
?No, it's not that, it's just-?
?You feel like being alone. Don't worry, I understand.? He offered a hint of a smile to make her realize he wasn't resentful. ?Now I'd better go, before Yamamoto gets angry at me for not bringing these back.? He joked, showing her the cups and jug of Sake he still held in one hand.
?Matsumoto-Fukutaichō!?
Both Lieutenants turned toward the group of Shinigami calling her; Shūhei did not recognize them, but considering her reaction they seemed to be in tenth division.
?The high ranking officials' feast is already over?? A man asked.
?Please come with us for a round of Sake!? A girl offered.
Shūhei gladly noticed everyone looked very happy to see her. To be well-liked in one's own division was a good medicine, but like every medicine it had to be taken at the right moment.
?Uhm... No, thanks, I have to...?
?Rangiku-san, I think we should hurry and go retrieve that thing from the real word. If we make them wait too much, they could die from boredom.? He pointed his thumb toward the first division's barracks, hoping for everyone to understand it was something waited on by all the Captains and that, consequently, could not be delayed.
?Hi-Hisagi-Fukutaichō! Forgive us for not recognizing you!? Another girl -who looked far happier to see him than she had been to see Rangiku- said.
?No problem. Now, if you would excuse us...? He motioned to Rangiku, who immediately seized the second escape opportunity he had offered her that night.
?See you later, everyone!? Rangiku said her goodbyes with a suddenly cheerful tone.
?Goodnight Matsumoto-Fukutaichō, Hisagi-Fukutaichō.?
Shūhei waved a hand at them, wondering whether the encounter with her underlings had been enough to improve her mood; maybe it had been a mistake to give her an excuse to get away. But he had no time to articulate his thoughts, because after just one Shunpō step, she stopped and dropped the smiling fa?ade.
?Thanks, Shūhei. I really didn't feel like it.? She whispered.
Shūhei felt his heart break. The skill she had just shown in putting up that fake smile was almost frightening, and it made him wonder how many times before she had hidden her distress behind that exuberant personality of hers. He wanted to embrace her, tell her everything was going to be fine, that he would be there to share her pain, but he settled on putting an hand on her shoulder to offer her the slightest of support.
?There's no need to thank me.? He let his hand slide down until it rested between her shoulder blades. ?Come on, I'm taking you home. Tomorrow morning I'll come and see if you're okay.?
After a short pause, she took him up on his offer and let him guide her to the tenth division's barracks.
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Life is like a boat in the bottle
Try to sail you can't with no air
Day by day it only gets harder
Try to scream but nobody cares
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Chapter last edited: February, 24 2009
Thanks to everyone who read this chapter and thanks to the ones who will review. Any opinion, even negative, will be greatly appreciated.
There is an Italian version of this story, it can be found <a href="http://www.efpfanfic.net/viewstory.php? ... 3">here</a>.
Black Roses - NC-17 - Complete
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Black Roses - NC-17 - Complete
Last edited by Skyless_star on Wed Mar 25, 2009 9:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Disclaimer:
'Bleach', along with all the characters, places, Zanpakutō, Kido and everything else had been created by Kubo Tite sensei.
The songs quoted in this chapter are "S.O.S (Anything but love)" (Apocalyptica ft. Cristina Scabbia & Mats Leven, from 'Words Collide', 2007) and "The Interview" (A Fire Inside, from 'DecemberUnderground', 2006).
A big Thank you to my beta-reader <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1487926/">[b]rukia23[/b]</a>, who did a wonderful (and fast!) job.
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<center>Black Roses
2 - Gin (The unfading presence)
Skyless_star</center>
Bound to your side and trapped in silence
Just a possession
Is the sex or only violence
That feeds your obsession
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Sitting on the flooring of the office, at the foot of the couch, Rangiku let herself slide down until her head rested on the seat.
Shūhei had tried to convince her to go home, telling her she could have taken a hot bath, drank a cup of tea or do any other thing that managed to relax her, but had decided to give up once she admitted to prefer a place where nobody would have thought of searching for her neither that night nor the following day, that would have been a day off for any Shinigami who had fought.
?I've always thought you two met after joining the Gotei 13.? Shūhei said, facing her.
After seeing her to the office's door, he had offered once again to keep her company and, much to his surprise, she had accepted. He had to be the one to break the ice, talking about neutral and not really important matters, then gradually leading the discussion towards more personal questions such as the reason behind the 69 tattooed on his cheek and how, one hundred years before, he met Kensei. When she started to mention Ichimaru, telling him how he had saved her life, Shūhei had mentally complimented himself.
?No, we'd known each other for about fifteen years before he decided to become a Shinigami, even if I didn't see him for some years after he, on a sunny morning, left me alone.? She grimaced in disgust, looking at the ceiling. ?That was one of only two times he said his goodbyes before going away, but the bastard didn't tell me his plan was to never come back. And I, being a fool, was even happy!?
?You couldn't know what was going through his mind.? Shūhei pointed out as he poured some Sake, a motion like any other to keep his hands busy and hold the rage he was feeling toward the ex-Captain at bay.
?I should have at least became suspicious, after all the times I saw him walk away without a word and come back after three, four, five days...? She gazed at the Sake for a while before accepting it.
?He has done the same even after we met again, he kept coming in and out of my life however and whenever he wanted. But what really makes me angry is that he always managed, one way or another, to make me feel guilty for letting him go.? She rolled the Sake in the cup.
?Do you know what he had the nerve to say on the Sōkyoku hill? He said 'Too bad. It would have been nice if my capture lasted a little longer...'. Bastard.? She gulped down the Sake.
?Maybe he cared for you deep down, even though he had a strange way of showing it.? Shūhei offered, wondering why the hell he was defending the man.
?Tch! A strange way... Even Zaraki-Taichō can be affectionate in a more normal way than him.? She extended her hand, waiting for her cup to be filled again.
Rangiku stopped talking and Shūhei silently observed her roll her cup and study its content as if it held the answers to all of life's problems. To him, the discussion was at a stalemate: whether anything stopped there or she decided to open up her heart and disclose up to her last thought to him was, at that point, only up to her. She kept the sad and thoughtful expression for a little while longer, before she finally decided to speak.
?Shūhei...? She hesitated, never taking her eyes off the Sake she kept rocking, ?What was your first thought when... When Komamura-Taichō killed Tōsen??
It wasn't exactly what he was hoping for, but if he wanted her to confide in him, he had to be ready to do the same. ?My first thought when Tōsen died...? He repeated, taking some time to bring it back to mind and find the best words to express those emotions.
?...Honestly.? He heard her add.
He took a deep breath, to ignore the pain that topic caused in him. ?I suppose it was 'Mission complete', or 'And one down', or... Well, something like that. That's what I thought. But if I have to be totally sincere, in the moment I understood Komamura-Taichō was about to deliver him the death blow my first instinct, even if it lasted only a moment, was to step between them and defend my Captain.? He felt her eyes on him.
?Don't get me wrong, I know he was an enemy and he no longer deserved any loyalty, but I've been his Lieutenant for almost thirty years; some habits die hard.?
?You don't have to explain yourself. Not to me, at least.? She kept staring at the tiny bit of Sake in the cup she was holding, even though she probably already knew everything about it.
They fell silent once again. As much as he wanted to tell her to let out all the things that made her sad, Shūhei couldn't find the courage to say anything; a single misplaced word would destroy the air of confidence they had built with so much effort, so he decided to wait. He observed Rangiku drink the Sake in a single gulp and let the cup slide onto the table once she had ascertained the jug was empty, he followed her eyes as she let herself fall against the couch once again, her legs bent, an hand resting on her abdomen and her face turned to the ceiling as if nothing mattered anymore.
?Shūhei, do you... Do you think Gin did it on purpose??
Shūhei raised an eyebrow at that question he hadn't seen coming and that he didn't think he had really understood. ?You mean 'Desert the Gotei 13 and join for-'?
?Let himself be killed. By me.? Then, again, silence.
?Why do you think he did it on purpose?? He asked in a low voice after considering her words for a while.
?It doesn't make any sense, right?? Rangiku scoffed at herself. ?But I can't get over the fact that I, a Lieutenant, after that abomination took away my right side, managed to defeat a Captain that had suffered only minor injuries. This is downright preposterous, Shūhei.?
The seriousness and gravity in her tone absolutely did not suit the sunny and loud Rangiku Matsumoto.
?Maybe his aim wasn't to get himself killed, but simply not to hurt you.?
?A little too hypocritical of him trying to protect me after I almost died, don't you think??
?Who knows, maybe after he saw you hurt he repented of what he had done.? If someone were to tell him, even just half an hour before, that he'd try to redeem Ichimaru Gin in her eyes no less than three times in a few minutes, he'd have considered him crazy.
?Gin never repented of anything in his whole life.? She thought back to the years in the Rokungai and remembered certain events which, at the time, she had thought nothing of -they had to survive after all- but that now she could see in a different light.
Shūhei stared at her for a moment before speaking, in the most neutral tone he could muster. ?But then, what could have been his reason to let himself be kil- ...Not to defend himself?? He tried to avoid words that could hurt her, but he noticed from her expression that it was the question itself that made her feel uneasy. He wanted to apologize and tell her she didn't have to answer, but thought that if that was the sore point, it was there that he had to insist.
Rangiku detached her self from the couch, carefully avoiding looking at Shūhei. She looked like she was searching for a reason, or maybe just a better way to say the idea she had had from the beginning.
?If you were in a hopeless situation and had already accepted your imminent death, by whose hand would you prefer to die??
'Follow her reasoning, follow her reasoning, follow her reasoning... Whatever it may be.' He had to repeat it more than once to convince himself to answer. ?I don't know... I think I would have to know my enemies very well to be able to chose.?
?What if between your enemies there was also the woman you've treated as if she was your property for more than a century?? Her voice was dripping hatred.
Shūhei admitted to himself that she had managed to catch him unprepared asking such a question. What to say not to make Ichimaru look like a monster? At that point, was it really what she wanted? While in a secluded corner of his mind his own territorial instinct was jumping for joy because there was no longer the need to praise his rival, the part of him endowed with reason searched for the most diplomatic answer, something that wouldn't sound like a way to debase the other man nor like an attempt to appear like Prince Charming. Easier said than done.
?I'll tell you what you'd do: you'd do anything to be killed by her and make her feel guilty for the rest of her life!? She had gradually raised her voice, but nonetheless her voice never reached the point of screaming. She brought her knees to her chest in the effort to block out the world, in her eyes the tears she refused to let fall.
?Rangiku-san...? Shūhei put an hand on her shoulder, but it looked like she didn't notice. Maybe it would have been better to leave the task of hearing out a heartbroken woman to another woman, he thought, but by then he could no longer do it.
?I want to go and tell him what I think. Tell him I'm done with him, that I won't be here to wait for him when he comes back, that if he really wants to get killed, he'll have to do it by himself. I want to tell him I can't stand his habit of going away without a single word, of treating me like a doll, but I can't because...? She sniffed, trying to hold back the tears. ?Because he is... Is...? Her voice grew weaker and weaker, unwilling to utter those words.
Shūhei gently stroked her back in a circular motion, but instead of soothing her, the gesture made her jump to her feet.
?Sorry. It's nothing, don't mind it.? She bent down to gather the jug of Sake from the table, pointedly avoiding looking at him. ?I'm going to fill this. I'll be back in a moment.? Her tone was forcefully happy, but it wasn't difficult for him to understand it was just a matter of seconds before she'd have a nervous breakdown.
He caught her by the wrist before she could get away as he stood up. He didn't know what to do or what to say, he only knew that behind those blue eyes looking at him and pleading for him to let her go, there was a river of tears fighting to break its banks and a wonderful woman that never in a million year should have suffered so badly. Acting purely on instinct, Shūhei pulled her to him and held her tight against his chest.
She was motionless, probably not ready for that forced contact, but he refused to loosen his grip. What would he get from doing it? She'd run away to cry alone and he'd stay there, like an idiot, feeling sorry for her. He held her closer and let his cheek rest against her head.
?You don't need the fake smile here, Rangiku-san. Let go, let out everything that makes you feel down.? He whispered in her hear.
Shūhei started to stroke her back and she hid her face against his shoulder as the sobs began to shake her body. One of his hands, on its own accord, moved to the back of her head caressing her hair and Rangiku let go of the jug to bring her hands on his hips, firmly gripping the fabric of his Kimono. Shūhei kept whispering words that didn't matter as much as the tone he was using to say them and the sobs, soon, made room to a heartfelt weeping.
Rangiku let the tears fall, no longer trying to stop them, without worrying that they were beginning to dampen his shoulder. Shūhei heard her say disjointed sentences between her sobs, phrases chasing and overlapping one another, hardly managing to reach his ears.
?It's my fault, I was the one to... I killed Gin...? Shūhei tentatively told her she didn't need to feel guilty, she had had no choice, but she didn't hear him or choose to ignore his words.
?Everyone will think he was only a traitor... even before nobody liked him...? She pushed herself tighter against him. ?But he could also be a nice guy... big-hearted...?
Shūhei lied, telling her he thought the same thing; maybe she wasn't listening, but he was willing to do anything that had even the slightest chance to make things better.
?I feel his blood on my hands... Hot... sticky... I feel it on myself...? As she said it she was clenching and unclenching her fists around Shūhei's Kimono, desperately clinging to the feeling of the silk against her fingers. ?It doesn't go away, Shūhei. It doesn't go.? She began crying a little harder, repeating the same words over and over.
At least, Shūhei thought, if she's calling my name it means she hasn't lost her grip on reality.
?He's dead... This time he won't come back to me.? She said, shaking her head. ?It isn't a cruel joke, I saw him dieing. I saw him coughing blood, I saw... I... felt him sliding down my Zanpakutō... I felt his bones against my blade and... and then he went limp against me... and he wasn't breaking... and...? She continued to torment herself with the same words, reliving again and again those few moments that had turned her life upside down.
Shūhei kept holding her tightly and gently rocking her as if she was a child, conscious there was nothing he could do to make her feel better aside from letting her get it out of her system. One thing was clear from her words: she was still in love with Ichimaru, in spite of the way he treated her, despite all the things she was saying she hated about him and despite the fact she had fought against him and she had won.
And the more the pain she was in and the reason that caused it became clear, the more Shūhei was compelled to realize that the woman weeping in his arms, the one whose body was shaken by continual sobs that made her look more and more frail and on the verge of crumbling, that woman had instead a courage and a loyalty that no other member of the Gotei 13 would ever have been able to find. Even Captains Kenpachi and Soifon, he thought, wouldn't be able to point their sword at the person who meant the most to them.
?You were brave, Ran.? He whispered, too engrossed in the revelation he just had to notice he had used a pet name he kept strictly confined inside his fantasies. ?More than anyone would have thought possible.?
Maybe without thinking, maybe hoping she wouldn't understand the real meaning of the gesture or perhaps, deep down, hoping she would understand it, Shūhei gently placed a kiss on her head. A woman like her didn't deserve to suffer because of a man like Ichimaru, no man in the world should ever make her suffer. Bringing a sad expression onto her beautiful visage should be considered a crime.
?Stop crying now, Ichimaru doesn't deserve your sadness.? Shūhei kissed her again and closed his eyes, burying his face in her hair, against her neck. He tightened his hold on her, not knowing what else to do to chase the reason for her suffering out of her heart.
?That man has never deserved you, Ran.?
And that was true, Rangiku thought, despite the fact that for a multitude of reasons she had never been able to get away from him. Ever since they had first met, he had always done anything in his power to keep her close to him and avoid letting others take his place and, since the moment he had deserted, she had begun to feel the need to state her own independence where she had never been able to do it: her love life.
The pent up stress from the past few months and from that long battle day, the will to break with everything that used to make her suffer, the impossibility to build a relationship in the space of a few minutes, the strong and comforting presence of Shūhei, the words he had whispered to her, those little kisses, the fact he had called her with the same pet name Gin used during their intimacy, all those things triggered a reaction from her that none of them could have predicted.
A quick move, not even the time to notice one of the hands on his hips was gone, and Shūhei felt her hand pressing against his genitals.
He opened his eyes wide and every other movement of his immediately stopped, from the soothing gestures of his hands to the light rocking, up to his breath.
?Ra-Rangiku... San?!? He loosened his hold on her and detached his face from her neck, but he lacked the courage to move away and risk seeing her face.
She didn't answer, but let her hand slide upward until her palm was caressing his virility.
Shūhei swallowed noisily, hopelessly trying to ignore what she was doing before his body would react. Conscious it wouldn't be enough, he squeezed that hand with his, stopping it.
?Rangiku-san?? He repeated.
?To hell with everything, Shūhei. To hell with Gin, to hell with being sad because of him, to hell with being fussy with other men.? She let the hand that was still free slide toward the buttocks of the man in front of him.
?Make love to me, Shū.? She whispered that pet name in an enticing voice, tickling his ear with her breath.
This time it wasn't just his breathing to go away, this time Shūhei would have been ready to swear his heart had stopped, had it not been for the wave of heat he felt on his cheeks, his ears and more or less every inch of his body.
?Ra-Ran, stop. I could really do it.? He pleaded and warned her at the same time.
It wasn't right to do it this way, just because she was feeling down. It wasn't how he had imagined, for almost forty years, their first time together. She deserved more. He had to get away from her before his body's desire could prevail on his reason, or else he'd end up doing something she could hate him for. But it seemed like not a single muscle of his body was willing to cooperate with his brain's idea of going away.
?Do it.? She grazed his sex with her fingertips, that she had managed to move despite his hand's grip.
Shūhei inhaled deeply in the pointless effort of maintaining his self-control, but he was already feeling an erection coming to life. It's not every day that Rangiku Matsumoto asks you to go to bed with her; he could have thrown her on the couch, screwed her the whole night and passed for an hero because she had been the one who wanted it... No, no, no, I can't do it. Also taking her against the floor wouldn't be that bad... You're thinking with your cock, Shūhei. You must resist. Or on the table, on the desk, against the window...
?I've always thought you had a nice body, Shū.? Big deal, a Lieutenant with an athletic body. But it couldn't hurt to overdo it, as she had learned from a one century long relationship with a man that used to always pretend he wasn't searching for her just to have sex. ?And you're big where it counts.? In truth she could compare him only with one person -Gin- and, taking a guess through his clothes, Shūhei wasn't so different from him.
Damn, he thought, the woman knew how to arouse a man. ?Stop it.? He said once again, addressing her but also his own body.
Rangiku laid her lips on his neck, letting her teeth brush over it.
Emitting a guttural noise, Shūhei surrendered and let go of Rangiku's hand, that began to go up and down once again in a slow and captivating movement. He held her in his arms in a gesture that was nowhere near friendly or reassuring and pushed his face against her neck, taking in her scent like a vampire feeding off his prey's blood.
?I'll ask it only once, Ran. Are you sure you want to do it?? He asked in a hoarse voice while grazing her neck and jaw with the tip of his nose, waiting for her to say she wanted to proceed before he'd do the same with his lips and tongue.
She said nothing, but answered by unfastening the Obi of his Kimono and letting her hands find their way past the Nagajuban. With one hand's fingers, she outlined the upper part of the Fundoshi, while with the other she moved down to tease his testicles. To Rangiku it was like a small revenge that he had 'bigger balls' than Gin.
Shūhei allowed himself a moan of pleasure and, encouraged by her silent approval, he ventured on the places he had wanted to explore for a very long time. With one hand he took possession of one of her breasts while with the other he felt her backside, pushing her even more against himself, and he began to kiss her neck, moving up to her ear and then following the line of her jaw.
She accepted all of the attention, even though she wasn't really receptive, and reciprocated by inserting her hand in his Fundoshi. She played with the erection confined there for a while, then started to pull the fabric until that piece of flesh, greedy for attention came to light.
She felt Shūhei's hand running over her body toward her Obi, but since it would take him too long to undo it, Rangiku pushed the man onto the couch and raised both sides of her Kimono to straddle him. She tried to convince herself the opportunity to remain at least partially covered had nothing to do with her decision.
He raised his eyes to her face, for the first time since she had begun to cry, and there he found only a determined look and eyes still red from the tears. For a moment, his brain restarted its function and he finally wondered what Rangiku's true motivation was, what she was trying to achieve throwing herself in the arms of the first man happening to be near. He gently brushed one side of her face and caressed her cheek with his thumb.
?Ran, you don't have to do it. There are other wa-? His extreme attempt to behave like a gentleman was cut short by a kiss on his lips born more from need that from passion. There was no passion in what they were doing.
?Please.? She said in a low voice after that kiss, encircling his neck with her arms.
Shūhei accepted what he had probably known since the beginning, but that his pride and his obsession for Rangiku hadn't allowed him to see. Having sex with him wasn't a way to state her emancipation from Ichimaru, it was just a way to fill the void he had left. And had someone else been there in front of her, things wouldn't have gone any differently. In spite of everything, he decided to play along; at that point he could no longer back away.
?If you insist...? He said in a sensual and clearly fake tone. ?I won't let anyone say Hisagi Shūhei didn't satisfy a woman.? Seeing the grateful look she was giving him, he knew she had understood the true meaning of his words.
He moved their bodies so that he found himself laying atop of her and, looking at the point where they would join each other to avoid eye contact, he saw she was wearing western underwear, something that many other women did for a matter of comfort; he tried to slide it off of her but she was faster, restricting herself to move the fabric out of the way. Shūhei didn't ask the reason for that gesture, considering the circumstances it was even too easy to guess she wanted to limit the intimacy between them as much as possible, no matter how impossible it seemed.
He allowed himself, though, to run his fingers on her womanhood to verify whether or not she was ready to be penetrated. She definitely wasn't. He started to use his hands to arouse her a little, but she stopped him before his movements could have any effect.
?Don't mind it.? In her tone he could feel indifference and annoyance. He looked at her, for the umpteenth time, astonished by her words.
?Once you enter, it will get wet by itself.? She explained.
Shūhei sighed. That was surely going to be the most surreal intercourse of his whole life; last time he had felt so uncomfortable about something concerning sex had been back in the Rokungai, when he was little more than a brat and had his first erection, that was noticed by every companion of his -including the one that had caused it. Since he couldn't do anything else, he settled on stroking himself with a hand wet with saliva. She looked at him questioningly.
?I don't care what you say, I don't want to hurt you.? He answered. The fact she wanted to throw herself away didn't mean he couldn't be a little gentle. He positioned himself to enter her and asked again if she really wanted to skip foreplay; as he had anticipated, her answer was affirmative.
Keeping his eyes fixed on her to catch any eventual pained expression, Shūhei used two fingers to splay her opening and, with all the delicacy he could muster, he entered her. He started moving back and forth, distinctly noticing her body was reacting as much as to make the exchange smooth. Relieved by the fact he wouldn't hurt her -in the body, at least- he wondered nonetheless whether it was normal for her and Ichimaru to start the sex that way, with no attention for her.
His speculations were short-lived, though, because Rangiku brought her hands behind his back and pulled him toward herself. ?Hold me.? She whispered, hiding her face against his shoulder. Shūhei silently complied.
He held her close for the whole time, as he moved inside her and placed small kisses on the side of her head. Luckily the way she was pressed against him prevented him from looking at her face; he thought he didn't deserve it, he feared that doing it he'd find only sadness there and, if that were to happen, he would no longer be able to continue and would end up abandoning her, just like Ichimaru had done.
Trying to ignore the loathing he felt toward himself, he made an effort to finish that ancient ritual he had dreamed of doing with her for so long, but that at the moment held no love, no passion, no desire but only sadness and sorrow. To her it was just a way to find solace in the only way he, at the moment, could offer her: in the guise of an intimacy ending with their genitals, in the guise of bodies holding each other while their minds tried to keep a distance, in the guise of eyes avoiding contact because the one between their souls was so strong it hurt.
They repeated the same rhythmic movement until she smothered her screams against his body. Whether she was screaming for pleasure or for despair, though, wasn't easy to tell.
Shūhei stayed inside of her, waiting to catch his breath, and pushed his head into the couch trying to delay the unavoidable confrontation that would follow as long as he could, even though it probably was going to be just an exchange of glances. He felt he had taken advantage of her, because he had believed, for a moment, she was interested in him, because he hadn't been able to say no, but most of all, because feeling her muscles contract around him had blown his will to contain himself to pieces.
After an undefined interval of time, too long to live and too short for mustering up the courage to stop it, Rangiku felt him sliding out of her body and was silently grateful he had done it quickly, without speaking and without looking at her face. Suddenly the intimate contact between them, the feel of him still inside her, the rubbing of their skins -even though it was only to interrupt the contact- had became too embarrassing to sustain. When he lifted the upper part of his body, she followed the movement, refusing to leave that warm and welcoming hideout that was his shoulder.
?Rangiku-san...? Shūhei whispered, having absolutely no clue on what to do at that point. He was hoping to understand what to do from the things she would have said, but she said nothing and gave no hint of letting him go.
?We should cover ourselves.? He said, hoping it would give both of them a little time.
Though unwilling to let him go, Rangiku nodded and loosened her hold. Both her and Shūhei looked away while he stood up and turned his back on her to redo his clothes.
?Can I turn around?? He asked, once he had made himself decent again.
Rangiku nodded. ?Yes.? She said a few seconds later, realizing he couldn't have noticed her gesture.
Still avoiding eye contact, he sat next to her. Even though there were so many things each of them wanted to say -things to apologize for, things to thank for, things they no longer wanted to keep inside- the two of them kept quiet. By then every word seemed out of place. The muffled noise coming from outside and the steady, slow and deafening ticking of the clock were the only sounds to keep them company.
As the minutes passed, their thoughts began to wander away from that room and from what had happened inside it to return on the original reasons that brought them there. And while Shūhei was thinking about putting aside his embarrassment for the sake of the woman he had tried, with little success, to comfort, that same woman thought back to all the things that had occurred and felt new tears staining her face.
They fell fast, fluid, without any sobs or cries to accompany them, because they were no longer due to the feelings of guilt for killing the man she loved or to the resentment she felt toward him for leaving her behind, but only to the sadness for the death of a friend, that kid with the always smiling face whose eyes remained a mystery for many and, most of the times, also for her.
Turning to her to ask if she felt a little better -or to volunteer to take her home, or to apologize for what he had done or, anyway, to say something, anything that could break the ice recently formed- Shūhei saw the tears running down her face without restraint and in that same moment he regretted having indulged her request.
?Rangiku-san... I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have...? He made a gesture vaguely pointing at the couch, ?I'm sorry...?
She just looked at him for a moment before she moved closer to him and snuggled up to him, taking possession once again of the shoulder that had come to be so familiar for her. Wondering if she had at least noticed he had spoken, Shūhei held her without a word and began to gently rock her. She cried and enjoyed the luxury of being cuddled until the mental and physical exhaustion took the upper hand, making her fall asleep in that strong and reassuring hug for which she, in that moment of frailty, was immensely grateful.
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Today, this small favor I am asking
Hold me, you may drop me tomorrow
For a change, I'll refrain,
From hiding all of me from you
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Chapter last edited: February, 28 2009
'Nagajuban' and 'Fundoshi' are respectively the inner robe worn under the Kimono (the white one in the Shinigami's uniform) and the male loin-cloth. I made Rangiku wear western underwear because I couldn't find anywhere informations about traditional Japanese underwear for women (I got this from Wikipedia).
Thanks to everyone who read this chapter and thanks to the ones who will review. Any opinion, even negative, will be greatly appreciated.
Disclaimer:
'Bleach', along with all the characters, places, Zanpakutō, Kido and everything else had been created by Kubo Tite sensei.
The songs quoted in this chapter are "S.O.S (Anything but love)" (Apocalyptica ft. Cristina Scabbia & Mats Leven, from 'Words Collide', 2007) and "The Interview" (A Fire Inside, from 'DecemberUnderground', 2006).
A big Thank you to my beta-reader <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1487926/">[b]rukia23[/b]</a>, who did a wonderful (and fast!) job.
</center>
<hr>
<center>Black Roses
2 - Gin (The unfading presence)
Skyless_star</center>
Bound to your side and trapped in silence
Just a possession
Is the sex or only violence
That feeds your obsession
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Sitting on the flooring of the office, at the foot of the couch, Rangiku let herself slide down until her head rested on the seat.
Shūhei had tried to convince her to go home, telling her she could have taken a hot bath, drank a cup of tea or do any other thing that managed to relax her, but had decided to give up once she admitted to prefer a place where nobody would have thought of searching for her neither that night nor the following day, that would have been a day off for any Shinigami who had fought.
?I've always thought you two met after joining the Gotei 13.? Shūhei said, facing her.
After seeing her to the office's door, he had offered once again to keep her company and, much to his surprise, she had accepted. He had to be the one to break the ice, talking about neutral and not really important matters, then gradually leading the discussion towards more personal questions such as the reason behind the 69 tattooed on his cheek and how, one hundred years before, he met Kensei. When she started to mention Ichimaru, telling him how he had saved her life, Shūhei had mentally complimented himself.
?No, we'd known each other for about fifteen years before he decided to become a Shinigami, even if I didn't see him for some years after he, on a sunny morning, left me alone.? She grimaced in disgust, looking at the ceiling. ?That was one of only two times he said his goodbyes before going away, but the bastard didn't tell me his plan was to never come back. And I, being a fool, was even happy!?
?You couldn't know what was going through his mind.? Shūhei pointed out as he poured some Sake, a motion like any other to keep his hands busy and hold the rage he was feeling toward the ex-Captain at bay.
?I should have at least became suspicious, after all the times I saw him walk away without a word and come back after three, four, five days...? She gazed at the Sake for a while before accepting it.
?He has done the same even after we met again, he kept coming in and out of my life however and whenever he wanted. But what really makes me angry is that he always managed, one way or another, to make me feel guilty for letting him go.? She rolled the Sake in the cup.
?Do you know what he had the nerve to say on the Sōkyoku hill? He said 'Too bad. It would have been nice if my capture lasted a little longer...'. Bastard.? She gulped down the Sake.
?Maybe he cared for you deep down, even though he had a strange way of showing it.? Shūhei offered, wondering why the hell he was defending the man.
?Tch! A strange way... Even Zaraki-Taichō can be affectionate in a more normal way than him.? She extended her hand, waiting for her cup to be filled again.
Rangiku stopped talking and Shūhei silently observed her roll her cup and study its content as if it held the answers to all of life's problems. To him, the discussion was at a stalemate: whether anything stopped there or she decided to open up her heart and disclose up to her last thought to him was, at that point, only up to her. She kept the sad and thoughtful expression for a little while longer, before she finally decided to speak.
?Shūhei...? She hesitated, never taking her eyes off the Sake she kept rocking, ?What was your first thought when... When Komamura-Taichō killed Tōsen??
It wasn't exactly what he was hoping for, but if he wanted her to confide in him, he had to be ready to do the same. ?My first thought when Tōsen died...? He repeated, taking some time to bring it back to mind and find the best words to express those emotions.
?...Honestly.? He heard her add.
He took a deep breath, to ignore the pain that topic caused in him. ?I suppose it was 'Mission complete', or 'And one down', or... Well, something like that. That's what I thought. But if I have to be totally sincere, in the moment I understood Komamura-Taichō was about to deliver him the death blow my first instinct, even if it lasted only a moment, was to step between them and defend my Captain.? He felt her eyes on him.
?Don't get me wrong, I know he was an enemy and he no longer deserved any loyalty, but I've been his Lieutenant for almost thirty years; some habits die hard.?
?You don't have to explain yourself. Not to me, at least.? She kept staring at the tiny bit of Sake in the cup she was holding, even though she probably already knew everything about it.
They fell silent once again. As much as he wanted to tell her to let out all the things that made her sad, Shūhei couldn't find the courage to say anything; a single misplaced word would destroy the air of confidence they had built with so much effort, so he decided to wait. He observed Rangiku drink the Sake in a single gulp and let the cup slide onto the table once she had ascertained the jug was empty, he followed her eyes as she let herself fall against the couch once again, her legs bent, an hand resting on her abdomen and her face turned to the ceiling as if nothing mattered anymore.
?Shūhei, do you... Do you think Gin did it on purpose??
Shūhei raised an eyebrow at that question he hadn't seen coming and that he didn't think he had really understood. ?You mean 'Desert the Gotei 13 and join for-'?
?Let himself be killed. By me.? Then, again, silence.
?Why do you think he did it on purpose?? He asked in a low voice after considering her words for a while.
?It doesn't make any sense, right?? Rangiku scoffed at herself. ?But I can't get over the fact that I, a Lieutenant, after that abomination took away my right side, managed to defeat a Captain that had suffered only minor injuries. This is downright preposterous, Shūhei.?
The seriousness and gravity in her tone absolutely did not suit the sunny and loud Rangiku Matsumoto.
?Maybe his aim wasn't to get himself killed, but simply not to hurt you.?
?A little too hypocritical of him trying to protect me after I almost died, don't you think??
?Who knows, maybe after he saw you hurt he repented of what he had done.? If someone were to tell him, even just half an hour before, that he'd try to redeem Ichimaru Gin in her eyes no less than three times in a few minutes, he'd have considered him crazy.
?Gin never repented of anything in his whole life.? She thought back to the years in the Rokungai and remembered certain events which, at the time, she had thought nothing of -they had to survive after all- but that now she could see in a different light.
Shūhei stared at her for a moment before speaking, in the most neutral tone he could muster. ?But then, what could have been his reason to let himself be kil- ...Not to defend himself?? He tried to avoid words that could hurt her, but he noticed from her expression that it was the question itself that made her feel uneasy. He wanted to apologize and tell her she didn't have to answer, but thought that if that was the sore point, it was there that he had to insist.
Rangiku detached her self from the couch, carefully avoiding looking at Shūhei. She looked like she was searching for a reason, or maybe just a better way to say the idea she had had from the beginning.
?If you were in a hopeless situation and had already accepted your imminent death, by whose hand would you prefer to die??
'Follow her reasoning, follow her reasoning, follow her reasoning... Whatever it may be.' He had to repeat it more than once to convince himself to answer. ?I don't know... I think I would have to know my enemies very well to be able to chose.?
?What if between your enemies there was also the woman you've treated as if she was your property for more than a century?? Her voice was dripping hatred.
Shūhei admitted to himself that she had managed to catch him unprepared asking such a question. What to say not to make Ichimaru look like a monster? At that point, was it really what she wanted? While in a secluded corner of his mind his own territorial instinct was jumping for joy because there was no longer the need to praise his rival, the part of him endowed with reason searched for the most diplomatic answer, something that wouldn't sound like a way to debase the other man nor like an attempt to appear like Prince Charming. Easier said than done.
?I'll tell you what you'd do: you'd do anything to be killed by her and make her feel guilty for the rest of her life!? She had gradually raised her voice, but nonetheless her voice never reached the point of screaming. She brought her knees to her chest in the effort to block out the world, in her eyes the tears she refused to let fall.
?Rangiku-san...? Shūhei put an hand on her shoulder, but it looked like she didn't notice. Maybe it would have been better to leave the task of hearing out a heartbroken woman to another woman, he thought, but by then he could no longer do it.
?I want to go and tell him what I think. Tell him I'm done with him, that I won't be here to wait for him when he comes back, that if he really wants to get killed, he'll have to do it by himself. I want to tell him I can't stand his habit of going away without a single word, of treating me like a doll, but I can't because...? She sniffed, trying to hold back the tears. ?Because he is... Is...? Her voice grew weaker and weaker, unwilling to utter those words.
Shūhei gently stroked her back in a circular motion, but instead of soothing her, the gesture made her jump to her feet.
?Sorry. It's nothing, don't mind it.? She bent down to gather the jug of Sake from the table, pointedly avoiding looking at him. ?I'm going to fill this. I'll be back in a moment.? Her tone was forcefully happy, but it wasn't difficult for him to understand it was just a matter of seconds before she'd have a nervous breakdown.
He caught her by the wrist before she could get away as he stood up. He didn't know what to do or what to say, he only knew that behind those blue eyes looking at him and pleading for him to let her go, there was a river of tears fighting to break its banks and a wonderful woman that never in a million year should have suffered so badly. Acting purely on instinct, Shūhei pulled her to him and held her tight against his chest.
She was motionless, probably not ready for that forced contact, but he refused to loosen his grip. What would he get from doing it? She'd run away to cry alone and he'd stay there, like an idiot, feeling sorry for her. He held her closer and let his cheek rest against her head.
?You don't need the fake smile here, Rangiku-san. Let go, let out everything that makes you feel down.? He whispered in her hear.
Shūhei started to stroke her back and she hid her face against his shoulder as the sobs began to shake her body. One of his hands, on its own accord, moved to the back of her head caressing her hair and Rangiku let go of the jug to bring her hands on his hips, firmly gripping the fabric of his Kimono. Shūhei kept whispering words that didn't matter as much as the tone he was using to say them and the sobs, soon, made room to a heartfelt weeping.
Rangiku let the tears fall, no longer trying to stop them, without worrying that they were beginning to dampen his shoulder. Shūhei heard her say disjointed sentences between her sobs, phrases chasing and overlapping one another, hardly managing to reach his ears.
?It's my fault, I was the one to... I killed Gin...? Shūhei tentatively told her she didn't need to feel guilty, she had had no choice, but she didn't hear him or choose to ignore his words.
?Everyone will think he was only a traitor... even before nobody liked him...? She pushed herself tighter against him. ?But he could also be a nice guy... big-hearted...?
Shūhei lied, telling her he thought the same thing; maybe she wasn't listening, but he was willing to do anything that had even the slightest chance to make things better.
?I feel his blood on my hands... Hot... sticky... I feel it on myself...? As she said it she was clenching and unclenching her fists around Shūhei's Kimono, desperately clinging to the feeling of the silk against her fingers. ?It doesn't go away, Shūhei. It doesn't go.? She began crying a little harder, repeating the same words over and over.
At least, Shūhei thought, if she's calling my name it means she hasn't lost her grip on reality.
?He's dead... This time he won't come back to me.? She said, shaking her head. ?It isn't a cruel joke, I saw him dieing. I saw him coughing blood, I saw... I... felt him sliding down my Zanpakutō... I felt his bones against my blade and... and then he went limp against me... and he wasn't breaking... and...? She continued to torment herself with the same words, reliving again and again those few moments that had turned her life upside down.
Shūhei kept holding her tightly and gently rocking her as if she was a child, conscious there was nothing he could do to make her feel better aside from letting her get it out of her system. One thing was clear from her words: she was still in love with Ichimaru, in spite of the way he treated her, despite all the things she was saying she hated about him and despite the fact she had fought against him and she had won.
And the more the pain she was in and the reason that caused it became clear, the more Shūhei was compelled to realize that the woman weeping in his arms, the one whose body was shaken by continual sobs that made her look more and more frail and on the verge of crumbling, that woman had instead a courage and a loyalty that no other member of the Gotei 13 would ever have been able to find. Even Captains Kenpachi and Soifon, he thought, wouldn't be able to point their sword at the person who meant the most to them.
?You were brave, Ran.? He whispered, too engrossed in the revelation he just had to notice he had used a pet name he kept strictly confined inside his fantasies. ?More than anyone would have thought possible.?
Maybe without thinking, maybe hoping she wouldn't understand the real meaning of the gesture or perhaps, deep down, hoping she would understand it, Shūhei gently placed a kiss on her head. A woman like her didn't deserve to suffer because of a man like Ichimaru, no man in the world should ever make her suffer. Bringing a sad expression onto her beautiful visage should be considered a crime.
?Stop crying now, Ichimaru doesn't deserve your sadness.? Shūhei kissed her again and closed his eyes, burying his face in her hair, against her neck. He tightened his hold on her, not knowing what else to do to chase the reason for her suffering out of her heart.
?That man has never deserved you, Ran.?
And that was true, Rangiku thought, despite the fact that for a multitude of reasons she had never been able to get away from him. Ever since they had first met, he had always done anything in his power to keep her close to him and avoid letting others take his place and, since the moment he had deserted, she had begun to feel the need to state her own independence where she had never been able to do it: her love life.
The pent up stress from the past few months and from that long battle day, the will to break with everything that used to make her suffer, the impossibility to build a relationship in the space of a few minutes, the strong and comforting presence of Shūhei, the words he had whispered to her, those little kisses, the fact he had called her with the same pet name Gin used during their intimacy, all those things triggered a reaction from her that none of them could have predicted.
A quick move, not even the time to notice one of the hands on his hips was gone, and Shūhei felt her hand pressing against his genitals.
He opened his eyes wide and every other movement of his immediately stopped, from the soothing gestures of his hands to the light rocking, up to his breath.
?Ra-Rangiku... San?!? He loosened his hold on her and detached his face from her neck, but he lacked the courage to move away and risk seeing her face.
She didn't answer, but let her hand slide upward until her palm was caressing his virility.
Shūhei swallowed noisily, hopelessly trying to ignore what she was doing before his body would react. Conscious it wouldn't be enough, he squeezed that hand with his, stopping it.
?Rangiku-san?? He repeated.
?To hell with everything, Shūhei. To hell with Gin, to hell with being sad because of him, to hell with being fussy with other men.? She let the hand that was still free slide toward the buttocks of the man in front of him.
?Make love to me, Shū.? She whispered that pet name in an enticing voice, tickling his ear with her breath.
This time it wasn't just his breathing to go away, this time Shūhei would have been ready to swear his heart had stopped, had it not been for the wave of heat he felt on his cheeks, his ears and more or less every inch of his body.
?Ra-Ran, stop. I could really do it.? He pleaded and warned her at the same time.
It wasn't right to do it this way, just because she was feeling down. It wasn't how he had imagined, for almost forty years, their first time together. She deserved more. He had to get away from her before his body's desire could prevail on his reason, or else he'd end up doing something she could hate him for. But it seemed like not a single muscle of his body was willing to cooperate with his brain's idea of going away.
?Do it.? She grazed his sex with her fingertips, that she had managed to move despite his hand's grip.
Shūhei inhaled deeply in the pointless effort of maintaining his self-control, but he was already feeling an erection coming to life. It's not every day that Rangiku Matsumoto asks you to go to bed with her; he could have thrown her on the couch, screwed her the whole night and passed for an hero because she had been the one who wanted it... No, no, no, I can't do it. Also taking her against the floor wouldn't be that bad... You're thinking with your cock, Shūhei. You must resist. Or on the table, on the desk, against the window...
?I've always thought you had a nice body, Shū.? Big deal, a Lieutenant with an athletic body. But it couldn't hurt to overdo it, as she had learned from a one century long relationship with a man that used to always pretend he wasn't searching for her just to have sex. ?And you're big where it counts.? In truth she could compare him only with one person -Gin- and, taking a guess through his clothes, Shūhei wasn't so different from him.
Damn, he thought, the woman knew how to arouse a man. ?Stop it.? He said once again, addressing her but also his own body.
Rangiku laid her lips on his neck, letting her teeth brush over it.
Emitting a guttural noise, Shūhei surrendered and let go of Rangiku's hand, that began to go up and down once again in a slow and captivating movement. He held her in his arms in a gesture that was nowhere near friendly or reassuring and pushed his face against her neck, taking in her scent like a vampire feeding off his prey's blood.
?I'll ask it only once, Ran. Are you sure you want to do it?? He asked in a hoarse voice while grazing her neck and jaw with the tip of his nose, waiting for her to say she wanted to proceed before he'd do the same with his lips and tongue.
She said nothing, but answered by unfastening the Obi of his Kimono and letting her hands find their way past the Nagajuban. With one hand's fingers, she outlined the upper part of the Fundoshi, while with the other she moved down to tease his testicles. To Rangiku it was like a small revenge that he had 'bigger balls' than Gin.
Shūhei allowed himself a moan of pleasure and, encouraged by her silent approval, he ventured on the places he had wanted to explore for a very long time. With one hand he took possession of one of her breasts while with the other he felt her backside, pushing her even more against himself, and he began to kiss her neck, moving up to her ear and then following the line of her jaw.
She accepted all of the attention, even though she wasn't really receptive, and reciprocated by inserting her hand in his Fundoshi. She played with the erection confined there for a while, then started to pull the fabric until that piece of flesh, greedy for attention came to light.
She felt Shūhei's hand running over her body toward her Obi, but since it would take him too long to undo it, Rangiku pushed the man onto the couch and raised both sides of her Kimono to straddle him. She tried to convince herself the opportunity to remain at least partially covered had nothing to do with her decision.
He raised his eyes to her face, for the first time since she had begun to cry, and there he found only a determined look and eyes still red from the tears. For a moment, his brain restarted its function and he finally wondered what Rangiku's true motivation was, what she was trying to achieve throwing herself in the arms of the first man happening to be near. He gently brushed one side of her face and caressed her cheek with his thumb.
?Ran, you don't have to do it. There are other wa-? His extreme attempt to behave like a gentleman was cut short by a kiss on his lips born more from need that from passion. There was no passion in what they were doing.
?Please.? She said in a low voice after that kiss, encircling his neck with her arms.
Shūhei accepted what he had probably known since the beginning, but that his pride and his obsession for Rangiku hadn't allowed him to see. Having sex with him wasn't a way to state her emancipation from Ichimaru, it was just a way to fill the void he had left. And had someone else been there in front of her, things wouldn't have gone any differently. In spite of everything, he decided to play along; at that point he could no longer back away.
?If you insist...? He said in a sensual and clearly fake tone. ?I won't let anyone say Hisagi Shūhei didn't satisfy a woman.? Seeing the grateful look she was giving him, he knew she had understood the true meaning of his words.
He moved their bodies so that he found himself laying atop of her and, looking at the point where they would join each other to avoid eye contact, he saw she was wearing western underwear, something that many other women did for a matter of comfort; he tried to slide it off of her but she was faster, restricting herself to move the fabric out of the way. Shūhei didn't ask the reason for that gesture, considering the circumstances it was even too easy to guess she wanted to limit the intimacy between them as much as possible, no matter how impossible it seemed.
He allowed himself, though, to run his fingers on her womanhood to verify whether or not she was ready to be penetrated. She definitely wasn't. He started to use his hands to arouse her a little, but she stopped him before his movements could have any effect.
?Don't mind it.? In her tone he could feel indifference and annoyance. He looked at her, for the umpteenth time, astonished by her words.
?Once you enter, it will get wet by itself.? She explained.
Shūhei sighed. That was surely going to be the most surreal intercourse of his whole life; last time he had felt so uncomfortable about something concerning sex had been back in the Rokungai, when he was little more than a brat and had his first erection, that was noticed by every companion of his -including the one that had caused it. Since he couldn't do anything else, he settled on stroking himself with a hand wet with saliva. She looked at him questioningly.
?I don't care what you say, I don't want to hurt you.? He answered. The fact she wanted to throw herself away didn't mean he couldn't be a little gentle. He positioned himself to enter her and asked again if she really wanted to skip foreplay; as he had anticipated, her answer was affirmative.
Keeping his eyes fixed on her to catch any eventual pained expression, Shūhei used two fingers to splay her opening and, with all the delicacy he could muster, he entered her. He started moving back and forth, distinctly noticing her body was reacting as much as to make the exchange smooth. Relieved by the fact he wouldn't hurt her -in the body, at least- he wondered nonetheless whether it was normal for her and Ichimaru to start the sex that way, with no attention for her.
His speculations were short-lived, though, because Rangiku brought her hands behind his back and pulled him toward herself. ?Hold me.? She whispered, hiding her face against his shoulder. Shūhei silently complied.
He held her close for the whole time, as he moved inside her and placed small kisses on the side of her head. Luckily the way she was pressed against him prevented him from looking at her face; he thought he didn't deserve it, he feared that doing it he'd find only sadness there and, if that were to happen, he would no longer be able to continue and would end up abandoning her, just like Ichimaru had done.
Trying to ignore the loathing he felt toward himself, he made an effort to finish that ancient ritual he had dreamed of doing with her for so long, but that at the moment held no love, no passion, no desire but only sadness and sorrow. To her it was just a way to find solace in the only way he, at the moment, could offer her: in the guise of an intimacy ending with their genitals, in the guise of bodies holding each other while their minds tried to keep a distance, in the guise of eyes avoiding contact because the one between their souls was so strong it hurt.
They repeated the same rhythmic movement until she smothered her screams against his body. Whether she was screaming for pleasure or for despair, though, wasn't easy to tell.
Shūhei stayed inside of her, waiting to catch his breath, and pushed his head into the couch trying to delay the unavoidable confrontation that would follow as long as he could, even though it probably was going to be just an exchange of glances. He felt he had taken advantage of her, because he had believed, for a moment, she was interested in him, because he hadn't been able to say no, but most of all, because feeling her muscles contract around him had blown his will to contain himself to pieces.
After an undefined interval of time, too long to live and too short for mustering up the courage to stop it, Rangiku felt him sliding out of her body and was silently grateful he had done it quickly, without speaking and without looking at her face. Suddenly the intimate contact between them, the feel of him still inside her, the rubbing of their skins -even though it was only to interrupt the contact- had became too embarrassing to sustain. When he lifted the upper part of his body, she followed the movement, refusing to leave that warm and welcoming hideout that was his shoulder.
?Rangiku-san...? Shūhei whispered, having absolutely no clue on what to do at that point. He was hoping to understand what to do from the things she would have said, but she said nothing and gave no hint of letting him go.
?We should cover ourselves.? He said, hoping it would give both of them a little time.
Though unwilling to let him go, Rangiku nodded and loosened her hold. Both her and Shūhei looked away while he stood up and turned his back on her to redo his clothes.
?Can I turn around?? He asked, once he had made himself decent again.
Rangiku nodded. ?Yes.? She said a few seconds later, realizing he couldn't have noticed her gesture.
Still avoiding eye contact, he sat next to her. Even though there were so many things each of them wanted to say -things to apologize for, things to thank for, things they no longer wanted to keep inside- the two of them kept quiet. By then every word seemed out of place. The muffled noise coming from outside and the steady, slow and deafening ticking of the clock were the only sounds to keep them company.
As the minutes passed, their thoughts began to wander away from that room and from what had happened inside it to return on the original reasons that brought them there. And while Shūhei was thinking about putting aside his embarrassment for the sake of the woman he had tried, with little success, to comfort, that same woman thought back to all the things that had occurred and felt new tears staining her face.
They fell fast, fluid, without any sobs or cries to accompany them, because they were no longer due to the feelings of guilt for killing the man she loved or to the resentment she felt toward him for leaving her behind, but only to the sadness for the death of a friend, that kid with the always smiling face whose eyes remained a mystery for many and, most of the times, also for her.
Turning to her to ask if she felt a little better -or to volunteer to take her home, or to apologize for what he had done or, anyway, to say something, anything that could break the ice recently formed- Shūhei saw the tears running down her face without restraint and in that same moment he regretted having indulged her request.
?Rangiku-san... I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have...? He made a gesture vaguely pointing at the couch, ?I'm sorry...?
She just looked at him for a moment before she moved closer to him and snuggled up to him, taking possession once again of the shoulder that had come to be so familiar for her. Wondering if she had at least noticed he had spoken, Shūhei held her without a word and began to gently rock her. She cried and enjoyed the luxury of being cuddled until the mental and physical exhaustion took the upper hand, making her fall asleep in that strong and reassuring hug for which she, in that moment of frailty, was immensely grateful.
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Today, this small favor I am asking
Hold me, you may drop me tomorrow
For a change, I'll refrain,
From hiding all of me from you
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Chapter last edited: February, 28 2009
'Nagajuban' and 'Fundoshi' are respectively the inner robe worn under the Kimono (the white one in the Shinigami's uniform) and the male loin-cloth. I made Rangiku wear western underwear because I couldn't find anywhere informations about traditional Japanese underwear for women (I got this from Wikipedia).
Thanks to everyone who read this chapter and thanks to the ones who will review. Any opinion, even negative, will be greatly appreciated.
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Skyless_star
- New Recruit
- Posts: 11
- Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 5:05 pm
<center>Disclaimer:
'Bleach', along with all the characters, places, Zanpakutō, Kido and everything else had been created by Kubo Tite sensei.
The songs quoted in this chapter are "Precious" (Depeche Mode, from 'Playing the angel', 2005), "Marslander" (Siddharta, from 'RH- (English)', 2005) and "Ten Black Roses" (The Rasmus, from 'Black Roses', 2008).
A big Thank you to my beta-reader <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1487926/">[b]rukia23[/b]</a>, who did a wonderful (and fast!) job.
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<hr>
<center>Black Roses
3 - Shūhei (Affection and farewell)
Skyless_star</center>
Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for you
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Rangiku slowly opened her eyes, waiting for them to adjust to the light before casting a glance on the objects present in the room. She vaguely noticed their disposition wasn't the one she remembered and snuggled a little more against the covers, appreciating their silky texture. A few seconds later she suddenly roused from her slumber; the ones upon her weren't her covers.
After a quick look at her surroundings, she realized she was in her office. She turned to Hitsugaya's desk, expecting to see a sulky Captain ready to get angry at her for falling asleep on her work, but she found no one. She sat up, wondering where the child prodigy could have gone, and noticed that what she was wearing wasn't her uniform, but an Hōmongi, and that the 'cover' she still clutched in her hand was, instead, a men's Kimono.
Suddenly she remembered everything that had happened: the battle, Gin's death, the feast, the 'escape' with Shūhei, the cries, his arms and... She hid her face in her hands, uttering a frustrated moan. There was the slightest possibility it had been only a dream?
That had to have been one of the most stupid things she had ever done, break down and cry in front of someone and use him to try and fill the holes in her heart going through the one between her legs...
?Undeniably a smart move, Rangiku.? She addressed herself sarcastically.
First thing, she had to apologize to him for the things she had done, then she should ask him to keep his mouth shut about what had happened. She knew the great majority of men -practically all of them except the closest friends- considered her like an inflatable doll in the flesh, and since Gin's hobgoblin was gone she'd already have enough problems maintaining a respectable reputation without rumors going around about her.
Shūhei was a tender-hearted guy, she knew he'd understand if she asked him to keep the secret, but he was still a human male and, as such, he loved to brag about his erotic conquests with his friends -that, sometimes, included her too- so she had to talk to him before he could mention anything. But where did he go?
Looking around to find him, she noticed that on the table there were some folded sheets of paper, and that on them stood out the words 'To Matsumoto Rangiku', unmistakably written by Shūhei's hand. Cautiously, as if paper sheets could bite, she unfolded them and began to read what was written on them.
Rangiku-san,
I'm very, very sorry for what happened last night, and I beg you to accept my deepest apologies for how I conducted myself toward you.
Someone pretending to call himself a man should never take advantage of a woman in her moments of vulnerability, not even if she's the one to ask, especially when she feels so fragile that she'd search for comfort in such a way. But that's exactly what I did, all I needed to feel entitled to encroach on the most private part of you was just the slightest of hints and I suppose that saying I feel like a worm for what I've done to you won't make things right.
And how could it, after all? Mine are just words, ink signs traced on a piece of paper and left to wait your reading, when in truth the only right thing for me to do would be prostrate myself before your feet and let you kick me until you'll deem your honor avenged.
Even though you'll probably think I'm just taking the easiest way out, the reason why I'm writing instead of waiting for you to wake up and apologize personally is that there are things I need to tell you but I'm not sure I'd find the courage if I were to be face to face with you. Account me as a coward, because that's what I am, but it would mean a lot to me if you'd continue to read this letter up to the end.
First thing, I think I should put my cards on the table and tell you that, no matter how I'd like to lie to myself and say I did it only for your sake, when you asked me to make love with you, for a moment I was happy and I even looked around to decide the best place to do it. When I understood what was driving you, I made a resolution to hold back, believing that way it would have been more proper toward you, but unfortunately I failed even in this respect.
Therefore, should you discover to be pregnant, I'm ready to take full responsibility, even simply giving you a part of my salary to contribute to the child's sustenance in case you wouldn't want to marry me or you'd decide to let nobody know who's the father. This, obviously, if there's a baby. Truth be told, I hope it won't be so. Even though I wouldn't mind having a child (especially if he had a mother like you), it wouldn't be right for him to be conceived this way. Besides, after all the things that happened in the past months, I think none of us are ready to be a parent.
Talking more specifically about us two, I'll understand if, after tonight, you will no longer feel at ease with me and I will not object should you decide to cut me out of your life. Considering Gotei 13's reorganization that will be decided in the following days, I thought that if simply avoiding each other won't be enough, I could back down from my position as a Lieutenant so that, even in the official events, we won't have to meet. However, I'm willing to push my luck and hope that, as much as you could despise me, you won't go as far as to hate me.
But if, for some strange reason, you would keep considering me a friend as you did before, I'd like to renew my offer to be near you anytime you could need it, whether it is for something as trivial as finding a drinking buddy or because you need to vent your feelings when something isn't going right. I hope with all my heart you will never feel down like you did yesterday, but from now on I will do anything in my power to allow you to feel comfortable again around me; I'd even go as far as to try that 'chastity belt' Kurotsuchi-Fukutaichō was talking about some time ago.
Slightly changing the subject, forgive me for being nosy, forgive me if I ask you something very private that you probably don't want to discuss with a man and that, at this point, maybe doesn't even matter anymore, but some of the things that happened yesterday made me think about you and what kind of relationship bound you to Ichimaru.
Do you remember when you asked me to skip foreplay? I couldn't help but notice your body reacted exactly as you said and I wondered if it was normal for you to start intercourse that way, without receiving the proper attentions. Besides, when we met your subordinates yesterday it was shocking to see you put up that fake smile so easily and I really hope that happy image of you that we all grew so fond of over the years didn't just serve to hide your pain from us.
Maybe it's not what you want to hear now and I surely am not in the position to be speaking, considering my behavior tonight, but I've always thought Ichimaru didn't deserve a woman like you. All of us, your drinking buddies, realized yours was an opportunistic relationship for him; we all knew you two used to see each other, but none of us has ever seen you together, no one has ever seen or heard about him doing something for you (give a flower to you, take you out to dinner...). The only thing we knew was that, every time you didn't join us for a drink, he was having his way with you.
Forgive me for the intrusion, in the end the way you managed your relationship was only up to you two, but until yesterday I've always wondered if between you it was all about satisfying a physical need and I never understood how you could be happy in a similar relationship, now instead I wonder whether between you there was real intimacy or if everything finished only with the sex act (although I can't conceive that a sane and healthy man could do only that with a woman like you).
I admit, maybe when I firstly met you I, too, only thought about those abundant and exquisitely feminine bulges when someone talked about you (I'd like to point out I'm not the pervert everybody thinks I am, but... failing to notice them is a crime against nature itself!); as time passed I've begun to take careful looks at your face and I noticed other things that, alone, would be enough to have any man at your feet. I'm talking about your hair, your crystal-clear eyes, your lips so full and sensual, those hands soft and gracious despite of the use of the sword, but more than anything else your smile, when it enlightens your face and makes your eyes shine.
And then you are funny, you're open-minded, aren't scared of changes, can make anyone feel at ease, hold your liquor probably better than anyone else in Seireitei, are smart, you are an excellent fighter and, as you have fully shown, you're brave. In the battle, like everyday life, you always find the strength to go on and I'm sure this time there won't be any difference; maybe it'll take longer, but I'm sure you'll be able to smile again. Because you're simply a wonderful woman, Rangiku, a woman that should never suffer like that, especially for a man that never treated you as you deserved. This is his worst fault: not deserting Gotei 13, but taking your smile with him.
I see you sleep and, even though on your face there are still traces of the sadness that accompanied you during these months, I can't help but notice how beautiful you are. I wish I had the courage to lie down on that couch with you, hold you and make you feel warm and safe, but after what I did, I wouldn't deserve to wake up tomorrow and have you in my arms. I'm no longer worthy of it, supposing in the past I ever did something to deserve to be your support.
What did I do, aside from watching you suffer from afar and worry about your relationship? That, you could object, was a selfish behavior from me, maybe due to jealousy, to the fact I would have wanted you to be with me and not with another, and you could be right. At the beginning I didn't mind knowing you were with Ichimaru, nor the fact the others talked about you in a way not really appropriate, but as time passed, I began to hate those nights when you didn't join us for a drink, I entered into a bad mood if someone talked about you, often stopping at that part of you that's the easiest to notice. How can someone not understand, after knowing you for many years, that Matsumoto Rangiku is so much more than breathtaking cleavage?
Sometimes I even got angry at them, earning myself endless mockery about the possibility I could have fallen in love with you, as if we were brats too young to understand the dynamics of a man-woman interaction.
I often wondered if that could be true, if what made me think about you was really love. I've surely gotten over the phase in which you were only an erotic dream for me, I don't mean I no longer think you're overwhelmingly attractive or things like 'I want to respect you' or 'I'd never do something like that to you', I more than willingly would (never again like tonight, though), but now I care a lot about you, I wish for you to be happy and to start to smile again. But is that enough to say that I love you?
Would it be necessary to cheer up any one of our drinking buddies I certainly wouldn't back away, as they wouldn't for me, nor for you, but in your case the good outcome of my efforts would be much more important to me. Is the fact I care for you more than for the others a sign of love? Or is it just because you're the only woman in our group and you are, consequently, the one we all love the most?
If I was really in love with you, shouldn't I have courted you even before he left you, even at the cost of risking his hostility? But if you were happy with him and I had done it all the same, wouldn't you have thought me to be intrusive and inopportune? Wouldn't the greatest proof of my love in that case, have been to stand aside and let you live your happiness?
The fact I feel so close to you in this moment, like in the previous months, is it because I love you or because we were in a very similar situation after the former Captains deserted? But then shouldn't I feel even closer to Hinamori and Kira?
I've known them since we were still attending the Academy, I've been frequenting and drinking together with Kira since then and surely Hinamori needed more than any of us someone that'd cheer her up, besides their situations are closer to mine, in the end we are the three Lieutenants of the former Captains.
And yet, maybe because I felt a Captain's betrayal would have been easier to overcome, maybe because Kira and I are both men, maybe because Hinamori needed a much more incisive help than what I could offer her, maybe because the sadness of a person as sunny as you was so much simpler to pick than theirs, maybe because I feared everyone, believing you are a strong woman, would deem unnecessary to offer you their support or maybe because I felt guilty for not making a move before, once the reality of facts became clear in my head my first thought wasn't for them, but for you.
I wouldn't be able to tell what the true reason is, I just know that I don't like to see you sad. I'm not sure I'm in love with you, there's still so much confusion in my head after Tōsen's desertion and Muguruma Kensei's reappearance, but surely I reckon you a friend, I esteem you as a Lieutenant and as a person, I think you have a breathtaking body and a smile... Well, I'd give my right arm if it could bring a smile back onto your lips in this moment.
Forgive me for telling you all of this without even knowing exactly what I feel for you and for doing it when your heart is probably in even deeper turmoil than mine, but should you decide you never want to see me again I'm sure I'd regret not taking this last opportunity for the rest of my life.
I'm putting our relationship in your hands, Rangiku, what to do about it is up to you. I'll pledge myself to make anything you'd wish work; you have my word on this, for what it's worth at this point.
Consider me an egoist, but I wish I'll be able to see you again as Rangiku Matsumoto, not only as the tenth division's Lieutenant.
Truthfully,
Shūhei
Rangiku frantically went over the letter again and again, jumping from one paragraph to another, trying to understand how Shūhei really felt about what had happened and about her -whether he was angry, or felt guilty, or considered her pathetic- and, most of all, what were her feelings about the things that had happened with Gin, Shūhei and everyone else.
Her eyes seized upon the words 'apologies', 'very sorry', 'take advantage', 'vulnerability' and stopped on 'baby'. Looking up at the calendar, Rangiku went pale as she realized that day she could be ovulating. In a moment, all the possible ways to face the problem came to her mind, from marriage with Shūhei, even though they didn't know what they felt for each other, to being a single mother, to giving the child up for adoption, to abortion; even before that thought was totally formed, Rangiku rejected that last possibility. She had already gone through that experience, Gin had been the one asking her to do it, and she absolutely wasn't going to repeat it in the future.
Her thoughts went back to Shūhei and to his offer to take responsibility should the need arise. At that point, given that if she really was pregnant, she would have been even the day after, Rangiku decided that the most pressing matter was to straighten things out with him. She had to do it for many reasons and none in particular, because she wasn't the kind of woman that sleeps with anyone, because it wasn't right he was the one to feel guilty, because he was, at any rate, a friend.
Rangiku stood up hurriedly and with few well tested gestures folded the Kimono he had left to her and, without worrying about the gaudy Hōmongi she was still wearing from the night before, she exited the office and went to Shūhei's house using Shunpō steps.
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And in a million years I couldn't let you fade
But today I have to find another way
<center>~ ~ ~ ~ ~</center>
No answer. Rangiku knocked one last time but, once again, there was no answer.
Could he be out? She searched for his Reiatsu and found it on the other side of the door; his body and his spirit were perfectly still, in all likelihood he was still sleeping. Surely he couldn't be to blame: knowing him, he had stayed awake for a very long while to watch over her. Resigned to go away and come back later -in the meanwhile she could pay a visit to Isane to solve the other 'matter'- Rangiku turned around and saw Renji walking toward her.
He greeted her with a 'Hey' and she answered only with a nod of her head, then they stayed in silence. It wasn't that difficult to understand what kind of idea he could have gotten seeing her going away from Shūhei's apartment -even if in truth she hadn't been inside that house in ages- still wearing her clothes from the night before, but she lacked any will to tell him his idea was wrong: explaining what had happened the previous day would prove even more embarrassing. Renji, on the other hand, hadn't thought even for a moment what she had assumed.
After a minute or maybe more of uneasy silence, Rangiku decided to let him believe whatever he wanted; since she hadn't had the chance to talk with Shūhei, whatever excuse she could make up could have been contradicted if Renji managed to talk to him before her. After another nod, she began to walk away.
?Matsumoto-san, wait.? She turned around and it looked like Renji no longer knew what he wanted to say. Putting a hand behind his neck, he tried to gain some time to find the right words for what he wanted to ask. ?About last night...? She raised an eyebrow, trying to remember a talk with him hanging over from the day before. ?...On the balcony...? Rangiku opened her eyes wide, suddenly remembering one of the reasons that caused her and Shūhei to leave the party was Renji himself.
?You and the others saw the two of us going away together and now you're thinking that we-?
?No!? He rushed to say, bringing his hands in front of himself. ?We noticed you only after you jumped down, I felt your Reiatsu and I understood that that wasn't the reason why you were going away.? He paused for a while, then decided to tell her why he was there, ?I came to ask Hisagi-san if you were all right.?
Rangiku watched him, wondering if he had guessed the true reason of her sadness. ?It'll take a lot for me to say that I'm all right, but at least I feel better than yesterday. I think the worst is over, thanks.?
Renji gave her a small asymmetrical smile. ?Well, that's something anyway. Yesterday your Reiatsu scared me.?
?I'm sorry for spoiling your fun.? She said in a neutral tone, devoid of sarcasm.
?Don't be. You can't decide what you feel. It's like I had to apologize for... For my hair being red.?
Rangiku appreciated his little effort to make her smile talking about lighter things; in the previous months she had learned that Renji, no matter how much of a disaster he was at expressing his emotions, was a lot more profound than his look would suggest. Surely, she thought, she had friends she could rely on.
?I bet Kuchiki-Taichō would be the first one to demand your apologies.? She joked.
?You think so? In my opinion, deep down he likes my hair. This way, all he needs to do to know where I am at any moment is to raise his eyes.?
Rangiku smiled and silence returned between them, but without the embarrassment that had accompanied it just some minutes before. Once again, it was Renji to break it.
?I think I'll go away. There's no need for me to ask Hisagi-san how you're doing now.?
?You'd have drawn a blank; I've been knocking for a quarter of an hour and I got no answer. I think he's sleeping like a log.?
?Knocking? Weren't you with him??
?No. We didn't 'sleep together' if that's what you're wondering, Renji.? She said. It was a lie but, after all, what had happened had been an accident and it wasn't necessary for him to know it. Hoping she'd be able to talk to Shūhei before he could contradict her.
?Okay, okay. I just thought you spent the night here, I didn't want to imply anything... And you two are both adults, even if you did 'sleep together' there would be nothing that you'd need to justify to me, am I wrong??
?No,? She acknowledged. ?I suppose you're right.?
?But, forgive me, what were you doing here then?? He asked, not thinking it could be a rather personal question.
?Gossiper.? She accused, but nonetheless showed him the Kimono she was holding in her hands. ?I wanted to return this. And before you'd say anything, he left it for me to use as a cover after I fell asleep.?
Renji looked her for a moment with a raised eyebrow, but decided against pointing out that her words could suggest more ideas than the Kimono alone had done.
?Besides... I wanted to thank him for yesterday.? Rangiku added, carefully avoiding saying anything that could make him understand what had happened.
?Why don't you go in and wake him?? Renji asked out of the blue.
She opened her eyes wide, not expecting a question like that. ?It doesn't matter, I'll come back later. I don't want to intrude.?
?Matsumoto-san, you know you can count on any of us if you feel down, but as for him...? He pointed his thumb behind his shoulders, toward the door and, consequentially, toward Shūhei. ?Maybe it's not my place to say it, but I think he cares for you more than all of us together.?
Rangiku stared at him, recognizing in Renji's words the emotions she had found in the letter Shūhei left her. She nodded, deciding that maybe it was better to enter uninvited than to indefinitely postpone her talk with Shūhei. ?I think I'll leave this and then I'll go away.? She said showing the Kimono, even though Renji's expression clearly said 'I don't believe you, but I'll act as if I do.'
?By the way,? Renji said, ?this afternoon at four o'clock the Senkaimon will be opened; Orihime asked me to tell you, if I saw you, that she'd like to say goodbye.?
?Okay. I'll be there.?
He patted Rangiku on the shoulder out of sympathy and walked away, leaving her alone in front of the apartment.
She stared at the door for a moment, trying to muster the courage to open it up, but at the last minute decided to knock, just in case he had woken up in the meantime. Receiving no response, she put a hand against the door while she mentally made a list of the things she needed and wanted to tell him. She took a deep breath and, finally, she resolved to slide open that rectangle of wood and rice paper that kept her from that house, from him and from all the things they needed to tell each other.
<center>~ ~ ~ ~ ~</center>
Far away we wait for each other
I'm still on that road to nowhere
Kiss yourself for me in the mirror
Tie a black rose into your hair
<hr>
Chapter last edited: March, 21 2009
'Hōmongi' is a type of Kimono used by women to attend rather formal ceremonies such as a friend's wedding or tea ceremonies (I got this from Wikipedia, I hope I guessed the right kind of Kimono a woman would wear in a 'we won the war' party).
Thanks to everyone who read this chapter and thanks to the ones who will review. Any opinion, even negative, will be greatly appreciated.
Next installment, scheduled for March 25, 2009, will include both chapter four and the epilogue.
'Bleach', along with all the characters, places, Zanpakutō, Kido and everything else had been created by Kubo Tite sensei.
The songs quoted in this chapter are "Precious" (Depeche Mode, from 'Playing the angel', 2005), "Marslander" (Siddharta, from 'RH- (English)', 2005) and "Ten Black Roses" (The Rasmus, from 'Black Roses', 2008).
A big Thank you to my beta-reader <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1487926/">[b]rukia23[/b]</a>, who did a wonderful (and fast!) job.
</center>
<hr>
<center>Black Roses
3 - Shūhei (Affection and farewell)
Skyless_star</center>
Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for you
<center>~ ~ ~ ~ ~</center>
Rangiku slowly opened her eyes, waiting for them to adjust to the light before casting a glance on the objects present in the room. She vaguely noticed their disposition wasn't the one she remembered and snuggled a little more against the covers, appreciating their silky texture. A few seconds later she suddenly roused from her slumber; the ones upon her weren't her covers.
After a quick look at her surroundings, she realized she was in her office. She turned to Hitsugaya's desk, expecting to see a sulky Captain ready to get angry at her for falling asleep on her work, but she found no one. She sat up, wondering where the child prodigy could have gone, and noticed that what she was wearing wasn't her uniform, but an Hōmongi, and that the 'cover' she still clutched in her hand was, instead, a men's Kimono.
Suddenly she remembered everything that had happened: the battle, Gin's death, the feast, the 'escape' with Shūhei, the cries, his arms and... She hid her face in her hands, uttering a frustrated moan. There was the slightest possibility it had been only a dream?
That had to have been one of the most stupid things she had ever done, break down and cry in front of someone and use him to try and fill the holes in her heart going through the one between her legs...
?Undeniably a smart move, Rangiku.? She addressed herself sarcastically.
First thing, she had to apologize to him for the things she had done, then she should ask him to keep his mouth shut about what had happened. She knew the great majority of men -practically all of them except the closest friends- considered her like an inflatable doll in the flesh, and since Gin's hobgoblin was gone she'd already have enough problems maintaining a respectable reputation without rumors going around about her.
Shūhei was a tender-hearted guy, she knew he'd understand if she asked him to keep the secret, but he was still a human male and, as such, he loved to brag about his erotic conquests with his friends -that, sometimes, included her too- so she had to talk to him before he could mention anything. But where did he go?
Looking around to find him, she noticed that on the table there were some folded sheets of paper, and that on them stood out the words 'To Matsumoto Rangiku', unmistakably written by Shūhei's hand. Cautiously, as if paper sheets could bite, she unfolded them and began to read what was written on them.
Rangiku-san,
I'm very, very sorry for what happened last night, and I beg you to accept my deepest apologies for how I conducted myself toward you.
Someone pretending to call himself a man should never take advantage of a woman in her moments of vulnerability, not even if she's the one to ask, especially when she feels so fragile that she'd search for comfort in such a way. But that's exactly what I did, all I needed to feel entitled to encroach on the most private part of you was just the slightest of hints and I suppose that saying I feel like a worm for what I've done to you won't make things right.
And how could it, after all? Mine are just words, ink signs traced on a piece of paper and left to wait your reading, when in truth the only right thing for me to do would be prostrate myself before your feet and let you kick me until you'll deem your honor avenged.
Even though you'll probably think I'm just taking the easiest way out, the reason why I'm writing instead of waiting for you to wake up and apologize personally is that there are things I need to tell you but I'm not sure I'd find the courage if I were to be face to face with you. Account me as a coward, because that's what I am, but it would mean a lot to me if you'd continue to read this letter up to the end.
First thing, I think I should put my cards on the table and tell you that, no matter how I'd like to lie to myself and say I did it only for your sake, when you asked me to make love with you, for a moment I was happy and I even looked around to decide the best place to do it. When I understood what was driving you, I made a resolution to hold back, believing that way it would have been more proper toward you, but unfortunately I failed even in this respect.
Therefore, should you discover to be pregnant, I'm ready to take full responsibility, even simply giving you a part of my salary to contribute to the child's sustenance in case you wouldn't want to marry me or you'd decide to let nobody know who's the father. This, obviously, if there's a baby. Truth be told, I hope it won't be so. Even though I wouldn't mind having a child (especially if he had a mother like you), it wouldn't be right for him to be conceived this way. Besides, after all the things that happened in the past months, I think none of us are ready to be a parent.
Talking more specifically about us two, I'll understand if, after tonight, you will no longer feel at ease with me and I will not object should you decide to cut me out of your life. Considering Gotei 13's reorganization that will be decided in the following days, I thought that if simply avoiding each other won't be enough, I could back down from my position as a Lieutenant so that, even in the official events, we won't have to meet. However, I'm willing to push my luck and hope that, as much as you could despise me, you won't go as far as to hate me.
But if, for some strange reason, you would keep considering me a friend as you did before, I'd like to renew my offer to be near you anytime you could need it, whether it is for something as trivial as finding a drinking buddy or because you need to vent your feelings when something isn't going right. I hope with all my heart you will never feel down like you did yesterday, but from now on I will do anything in my power to allow you to feel comfortable again around me; I'd even go as far as to try that 'chastity belt' Kurotsuchi-Fukutaichō was talking about some time ago.
Slightly changing the subject, forgive me for being nosy, forgive me if I ask you something very private that you probably don't want to discuss with a man and that, at this point, maybe doesn't even matter anymore, but some of the things that happened yesterday made me think about you and what kind of relationship bound you to Ichimaru.
Do you remember when you asked me to skip foreplay? I couldn't help but notice your body reacted exactly as you said and I wondered if it was normal for you to start intercourse that way, without receiving the proper attentions. Besides, when we met your subordinates yesterday it was shocking to see you put up that fake smile so easily and I really hope that happy image of you that we all grew so fond of over the years didn't just serve to hide your pain from us.
Maybe it's not what you want to hear now and I surely am not in the position to be speaking, considering my behavior tonight, but I've always thought Ichimaru didn't deserve a woman like you. All of us, your drinking buddies, realized yours was an opportunistic relationship for him; we all knew you two used to see each other, but none of us has ever seen you together, no one has ever seen or heard about him doing something for you (give a flower to you, take you out to dinner...). The only thing we knew was that, every time you didn't join us for a drink, he was having his way with you.
Forgive me for the intrusion, in the end the way you managed your relationship was only up to you two, but until yesterday I've always wondered if between you it was all about satisfying a physical need and I never understood how you could be happy in a similar relationship, now instead I wonder whether between you there was real intimacy or if everything finished only with the sex act (although I can't conceive that a sane and healthy man could do only that with a woman like you).
I admit, maybe when I firstly met you I, too, only thought about those abundant and exquisitely feminine bulges when someone talked about you (I'd like to point out I'm not the pervert everybody thinks I am, but... failing to notice them is a crime against nature itself!); as time passed I've begun to take careful looks at your face and I noticed other things that, alone, would be enough to have any man at your feet. I'm talking about your hair, your crystal-clear eyes, your lips so full and sensual, those hands soft and gracious despite of the use of the sword, but more than anything else your smile, when it enlightens your face and makes your eyes shine.
And then you are funny, you're open-minded, aren't scared of changes, can make anyone feel at ease, hold your liquor probably better than anyone else in Seireitei, are smart, you are an excellent fighter and, as you have fully shown, you're brave. In the battle, like everyday life, you always find the strength to go on and I'm sure this time there won't be any difference; maybe it'll take longer, but I'm sure you'll be able to smile again. Because you're simply a wonderful woman, Rangiku, a woman that should never suffer like that, especially for a man that never treated you as you deserved. This is his worst fault: not deserting Gotei 13, but taking your smile with him.
I see you sleep and, even though on your face there are still traces of the sadness that accompanied you during these months, I can't help but notice how beautiful you are. I wish I had the courage to lie down on that couch with you, hold you and make you feel warm and safe, but after what I did, I wouldn't deserve to wake up tomorrow and have you in my arms. I'm no longer worthy of it, supposing in the past I ever did something to deserve to be your support.
What did I do, aside from watching you suffer from afar and worry about your relationship? That, you could object, was a selfish behavior from me, maybe due to jealousy, to the fact I would have wanted you to be with me and not with another, and you could be right. At the beginning I didn't mind knowing you were with Ichimaru, nor the fact the others talked about you in a way not really appropriate, but as time passed, I began to hate those nights when you didn't join us for a drink, I entered into a bad mood if someone talked about you, often stopping at that part of you that's the easiest to notice. How can someone not understand, after knowing you for many years, that Matsumoto Rangiku is so much more than breathtaking cleavage?
Sometimes I even got angry at them, earning myself endless mockery about the possibility I could have fallen in love with you, as if we were brats too young to understand the dynamics of a man-woman interaction.
I often wondered if that could be true, if what made me think about you was really love. I've surely gotten over the phase in which you were only an erotic dream for me, I don't mean I no longer think you're overwhelmingly attractive or things like 'I want to respect you' or 'I'd never do something like that to you', I more than willingly would (never again like tonight, though), but now I care a lot about you, I wish for you to be happy and to start to smile again. But is that enough to say that I love you?
Would it be necessary to cheer up any one of our drinking buddies I certainly wouldn't back away, as they wouldn't for me, nor for you, but in your case the good outcome of my efforts would be much more important to me. Is the fact I care for you more than for the others a sign of love? Or is it just because you're the only woman in our group and you are, consequently, the one we all love the most?
If I was really in love with you, shouldn't I have courted you even before he left you, even at the cost of risking his hostility? But if you were happy with him and I had done it all the same, wouldn't you have thought me to be intrusive and inopportune? Wouldn't the greatest proof of my love in that case, have been to stand aside and let you live your happiness?
The fact I feel so close to you in this moment, like in the previous months, is it because I love you or because we were in a very similar situation after the former Captains deserted? But then shouldn't I feel even closer to Hinamori and Kira?
I've known them since we were still attending the Academy, I've been frequenting and drinking together with Kira since then and surely Hinamori needed more than any of us someone that'd cheer her up, besides their situations are closer to mine, in the end we are the three Lieutenants of the former Captains.
And yet, maybe because I felt a Captain's betrayal would have been easier to overcome, maybe because Kira and I are both men, maybe because Hinamori needed a much more incisive help than what I could offer her, maybe because the sadness of a person as sunny as you was so much simpler to pick than theirs, maybe because I feared everyone, believing you are a strong woman, would deem unnecessary to offer you their support or maybe because I felt guilty for not making a move before, once the reality of facts became clear in my head my first thought wasn't for them, but for you.
I wouldn't be able to tell what the true reason is, I just know that I don't like to see you sad. I'm not sure I'm in love with you, there's still so much confusion in my head after Tōsen's desertion and Muguruma Kensei's reappearance, but surely I reckon you a friend, I esteem you as a Lieutenant and as a person, I think you have a breathtaking body and a smile... Well, I'd give my right arm if it could bring a smile back onto your lips in this moment.
Forgive me for telling you all of this without even knowing exactly what I feel for you and for doing it when your heart is probably in even deeper turmoil than mine, but should you decide you never want to see me again I'm sure I'd regret not taking this last opportunity for the rest of my life.
I'm putting our relationship in your hands, Rangiku, what to do about it is up to you. I'll pledge myself to make anything you'd wish work; you have my word on this, for what it's worth at this point.
Consider me an egoist, but I wish I'll be able to see you again as Rangiku Matsumoto, not only as the tenth division's Lieutenant.
Truthfully,
Shūhei
Rangiku frantically went over the letter again and again, jumping from one paragraph to another, trying to understand how Shūhei really felt about what had happened and about her -whether he was angry, or felt guilty, or considered her pathetic- and, most of all, what were her feelings about the things that had happened with Gin, Shūhei and everyone else.
Her eyes seized upon the words 'apologies', 'very sorry', 'take advantage', 'vulnerability' and stopped on 'baby'. Looking up at the calendar, Rangiku went pale as she realized that day she could be ovulating. In a moment, all the possible ways to face the problem came to her mind, from marriage with Shūhei, even though they didn't know what they felt for each other, to being a single mother, to giving the child up for adoption, to abortion; even before that thought was totally formed, Rangiku rejected that last possibility. She had already gone through that experience, Gin had been the one asking her to do it, and she absolutely wasn't going to repeat it in the future.
Her thoughts went back to Shūhei and to his offer to take responsibility should the need arise. At that point, given that if she really was pregnant, she would have been even the day after, Rangiku decided that the most pressing matter was to straighten things out with him. She had to do it for many reasons and none in particular, because she wasn't the kind of woman that sleeps with anyone, because it wasn't right he was the one to feel guilty, because he was, at any rate, a friend.
Rangiku stood up hurriedly and with few well tested gestures folded the Kimono he had left to her and, without worrying about the gaudy Hōmongi she was still wearing from the night before, she exited the office and went to Shūhei's house using Shunpō steps.
<center>~ ~ ~ ~ ~</center>
And in a million years I couldn't let you fade
But today I have to find another way
<center>~ ~ ~ ~ ~</center>
No answer. Rangiku knocked one last time but, once again, there was no answer.
Could he be out? She searched for his Reiatsu and found it on the other side of the door; his body and his spirit were perfectly still, in all likelihood he was still sleeping. Surely he couldn't be to blame: knowing him, he had stayed awake for a very long while to watch over her. Resigned to go away and come back later -in the meanwhile she could pay a visit to Isane to solve the other 'matter'- Rangiku turned around and saw Renji walking toward her.
He greeted her with a 'Hey' and she answered only with a nod of her head, then they stayed in silence. It wasn't that difficult to understand what kind of idea he could have gotten seeing her going away from Shūhei's apartment -even if in truth she hadn't been inside that house in ages- still wearing her clothes from the night before, but she lacked any will to tell him his idea was wrong: explaining what had happened the previous day would prove even more embarrassing. Renji, on the other hand, hadn't thought even for a moment what she had assumed.
After a minute or maybe more of uneasy silence, Rangiku decided to let him believe whatever he wanted; since she hadn't had the chance to talk with Shūhei, whatever excuse she could make up could have been contradicted if Renji managed to talk to him before her. After another nod, she began to walk away.
?Matsumoto-san, wait.? She turned around and it looked like Renji no longer knew what he wanted to say. Putting a hand behind his neck, he tried to gain some time to find the right words for what he wanted to ask. ?About last night...? She raised an eyebrow, trying to remember a talk with him hanging over from the day before. ?...On the balcony...? Rangiku opened her eyes wide, suddenly remembering one of the reasons that caused her and Shūhei to leave the party was Renji himself.
?You and the others saw the two of us going away together and now you're thinking that we-?
?No!? He rushed to say, bringing his hands in front of himself. ?We noticed you only after you jumped down, I felt your Reiatsu and I understood that that wasn't the reason why you were going away.? He paused for a while, then decided to tell her why he was there, ?I came to ask Hisagi-san if you were all right.?
Rangiku watched him, wondering if he had guessed the true reason of her sadness. ?It'll take a lot for me to say that I'm all right, but at least I feel better than yesterday. I think the worst is over, thanks.?
Renji gave her a small asymmetrical smile. ?Well, that's something anyway. Yesterday your Reiatsu scared me.?
?I'm sorry for spoiling your fun.? She said in a neutral tone, devoid of sarcasm.
?Don't be. You can't decide what you feel. It's like I had to apologize for... For my hair being red.?
Rangiku appreciated his little effort to make her smile talking about lighter things; in the previous months she had learned that Renji, no matter how much of a disaster he was at expressing his emotions, was a lot more profound than his look would suggest. Surely, she thought, she had friends she could rely on.
?I bet Kuchiki-Taichō would be the first one to demand your apologies.? She joked.
?You think so? In my opinion, deep down he likes my hair. This way, all he needs to do to know where I am at any moment is to raise his eyes.?
Rangiku smiled and silence returned between them, but without the embarrassment that had accompanied it just some minutes before. Once again, it was Renji to break it.
?I think I'll go away. There's no need for me to ask Hisagi-san how you're doing now.?
?You'd have drawn a blank; I've been knocking for a quarter of an hour and I got no answer. I think he's sleeping like a log.?
?Knocking? Weren't you with him??
?No. We didn't 'sleep together' if that's what you're wondering, Renji.? She said. It was a lie but, after all, what had happened had been an accident and it wasn't necessary for him to know it. Hoping she'd be able to talk to Shūhei before he could contradict her.
?Okay, okay. I just thought you spent the night here, I didn't want to imply anything... And you two are both adults, even if you did 'sleep together' there would be nothing that you'd need to justify to me, am I wrong??
?No,? She acknowledged. ?I suppose you're right.?
?But, forgive me, what were you doing here then?? He asked, not thinking it could be a rather personal question.
?Gossiper.? She accused, but nonetheless showed him the Kimono she was holding in her hands. ?I wanted to return this. And before you'd say anything, he left it for me to use as a cover after I fell asleep.?
Renji looked her for a moment with a raised eyebrow, but decided against pointing out that her words could suggest more ideas than the Kimono alone had done.
?Besides... I wanted to thank him for yesterday.? Rangiku added, carefully avoiding saying anything that could make him understand what had happened.
?Why don't you go in and wake him?? Renji asked out of the blue.
She opened her eyes wide, not expecting a question like that. ?It doesn't matter, I'll come back later. I don't want to intrude.?
?Matsumoto-san, you know you can count on any of us if you feel down, but as for him...? He pointed his thumb behind his shoulders, toward the door and, consequentially, toward Shūhei. ?Maybe it's not my place to say it, but I think he cares for you more than all of us together.?
Rangiku stared at him, recognizing in Renji's words the emotions she had found in the letter Shūhei left her. She nodded, deciding that maybe it was better to enter uninvited than to indefinitely postpone her talk with Shūhei. ?I think I'll leave this and then I'll go away.? She said showing the Kimono, even though Renji's expression clearly said 'I don't believe you, but I'll act as if I do.'
?By the way,? Renji said, ?this afternoon at four o'clock the Senkaimon will be opened; Orihime asked me to tell you, if I saw you, that she'd like to say goodbye.?
?Okay. I'll be there.?
He patted Rangiku on the shoulder out of sympathy and walked away, leaving her alone in front of the apartment.
She stared at the door for a moment, trying to muster the courage to open it up, but at the last minute decided to knock, just in case he had woken up in the meantime. Receiving no response, she put a hand against the door while she mentally made a list of the things she needed and wanted to tell him. She took a deep breath and, finally, she resolved to slide open that rectangle of wood and rice paper that kept her from that house, from him and from all the things they needed to tell each other.
<center>~ ~ ~ ~ ~</center>
Far away we wait for each other
I'm still on that road to nowhere
Kiss yourself for me in the mirror
Tie a black rose into your hair
<hr>
Chapter last edited: March, 21 2009
'Hōmongi' is a type of Kimono used by women to attend rather formal ceremonies such as a friend's wedding or tea ceremonies (I got this from Wikipedia, I hope I guessed the right kind of Kimono a woman would wear in a 'we won the war' party).
Thanks to everyone who read this chapter and thanks to the ones who will review. Any opinion, even negative, will be greatly appreciated.
Next installment, scheduled for March 25, 2009, will include both chapter four and the epilogue.
-
Skyless_star
- New Recruit
- Posts: 11
- Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 5:05 pm
<center>Disclaimer:
'Bleach', along with all the characters, places, Zanpakutō, Kido and everything else had been created by Kubo Tite sensei.
The songs quoted in this chapter are "Ten Black Roses" (The Rasmus, from 'Black roses', 2008) and "La Cura" (Franco Battiato, from 'L'imboscata', 1996).
A big Thank you to my beta-reader <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1487926/">[b]rukia23[/b]</a>, who did a wonderful (and fast!) job.
</center>
<hr>
<center>Black Roses
4 - You, me (Rebuilding from scratch)
Skyless_star</center>
When you're sad / And no-one knows it
I'll send you / Black roses
When your heart's / Dark and frozen
I'll send you / Black roses
<center>~ ~ ~ ~ ~</center>
Rangiku was staring at the man resting near her knees. Judging by how he was lying down, she would have said he didn't have a single care in the world, even though she knew it should have been because of an almost sleepless night that he was now sleeping face-down, his legs wide and all the covers kicked aside. Nevertheless, a small smile escaped her lips; in such a position he looked like a child, he was almost cute.
He was sleeping peacefully, even if his expression wasn't totally relaxed -as much as a sleeping person's face could be expressive- but what gave him a totally carefree appearance was the fact he was sleeping with all his covers kicked aside, his legs wide and face down. Rangiku smiled, in that position he looked like a child, he almost inspired tenderness.
Regretting she had to wake him, she gently touched his arm; he let out an indistinct sound and continued to sleep. ?Shūhei.? He stirred a little, but didn't wake. ?Shūhei.? She repeated in a firmer tone and, finally, he squeezed his eyes and opened them, seeing in front of himself the same person that had been in his dream; his mind still fogged by sleep, he put his head on her lap and wrapped his arms around her legs, until an hand touched her buttocks, and returned to his sleep.
Rangiku observed everything without reacting, but once he stopped moving she was grateful that he, despite what she had always thought, didn't sleep naked. While debating what to do to wake him without making the fact embarrassing, she heard him murmur something; it took her a moment to understand what he had said was meant for her.
?I'm sorry, Ran.?
Rangiku smiled sadly, thinking that the previous months and day must have been hard on him, too, and placed a hand on his head. They stayed in that position for a minute or two, until Shūhei realized that the hand caressing his hair was too real to be part of a dream. Stirring a little and in the meantime squeezing that soft thing he had grasped a little while before, he opened his eyes, making an effort not to fall asleep again.
Under his face there was something of an emerald green color with small azure patterns; it was smooth, warm, soft, infinitely more comfortable than his usual Makura, big enough for him to need both of his arms to embrace it and it smelled like a woman. More precisely, it had Rangiku's scent. Just above his head there were two more round, voluminous and seemingly soft objects. He wondered why there were so many pillows, but without thinking too much, he moved a hand up to arrange them so that they could accommodate his head.
?A-hem.?
That voice left him almost petrified. Turning his head above him and focusing beyond those two pillows, he recognized Rangiku's face looking at him with an expression impossibly halfway between angry and amused. Suddenly everything regained its true nature; no longer pillows and scents, but Rangiku in the flesh with her face, her thighs, her bottom, her tits. And his own hands touching or going to touch the last two parts.
Shūhei jumped backward so suddenly that he lost balance, but the speed he had in kneeling down and lowering his head almost to touch the floor had Rangiku wondering if she had just imagined that almost-fall.
?Sorry, sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to, sorry, sorry, sorry, forgive me, sorry, sorry, sorry...? Rangiku's eyebrow gradually raised as Shūhei continued to speak with frightening speed and, after few seconds and definitely too many words, she decided it would be better to stop him, given that he wouldn't do it by himself.
?All right, all right, I've got it. You're forgiven. Could you please raise your head now??
He did as requested and looked her in the face. ?I'm so-? The glare he received made him understand he didn't need to apologize for apologizing too much.
?Instead, I should be the one apologizing. I entered uninvited and woke you up, I'm sorry.?
?No, don't worry...? He said without thinking. ?Uhm, can I ask you why you're here?? He added, confused.
Rangiku took a deep breath, it was time to tell him what she had gone there for. Problem was that, despite arriving there in a rush, now she didn't know what to say. ?I brought your Kimono back.? She said, pointing to the desk where she had placed it.
Shūhei turned to the furniture behind his back, not because he wanted to verify the Kimono was there but only for an instinctive reaction; when their eyes met again it was clear to both that there were other things to say. Rangiku sighed and inserted an hand inside the Obi, taking out the letter he had left her.
?I found this.? She said, expecting him to understand what she wanted to talk about.
And as for understanding, Shūhei had understood, but at that point he didn't know what more he could say; his whole heart already lay in those sheets of paper she was holding. He scratched the back of his head, searching for the right words, but even asking her what she thought about it seemed out of place.
?What you wrote here...? She started, raising the letter, ?Do you really think you acted wrongly toward me? Do you think you took advantage of the situation?? She asked him, deciding this point was the first one they had to clarify.
He stared at her, as if she had said something totally meaningless. ?Rangiku-san, after what has happened... I don't need to 'think' it, it's a matter of fact.?
?And in this 'matter of fact' did you consider that I was the one who asked you to come to bed with me??
Shūhei blushed imperceptibly. Given his experience with the other sex it wasn't easy to embarrass him, but in his eyes ten, or even one hundred women were nothing if compared to Rangiku. ?This doesn't justify me. I could, no, I should have said 'No'.?
?That you did more than once, if I'm not wrong.?
He said nothing, which made Rangiku sigh. ?Listen, Shūhei, I'm not angry at you for what has happened. If there's someone who took advantage of the other, yesterday night, that's me; you just offered me your help when I needed it the most. Sure, it had been embarrassing and I'm not proud of it, but I have to admit it worked. If nothing, now I can see things a little more detachedly, even if they still hurt.?
?However-? He started, but she didn't let him continue.
?Do you think I didn't notice how you carefully avoided touching my bosom? Anyone else wouldn't have thought twice about it, so quit saying you took advantage of me before I'll be the one to feel guilty.?
Her tone and her gaze held so much determination that he didn't even consider to object. He shook his head up and down to express his assent and timidly added an ?Uh... Okay.?
?And just for the sake of clarity, I don't want you to disappear from my life, I don't want you to avoid me or our mutual friends and I'd never ask you to give up on your rank. So lump it, Lieutenant, because you'll keep seeing me for a very long time.?
Shūhei looked at her dumbstruck and, after a few moments, brought a hand to the back of his head. ?I don't think, honestly speaking, that I'll find it unpleasing.? He raised the corners of his mouth in a timid smile that powerfully extended to his eyes as soon as he saw Rangiku reciprocating.
Maybe, Shūhei thought, not only I won't lose her forever, but their relationship might come out of all this even stronger.
After a moment of comfortable silence, he finally realized Rangiku was kneeling down on his tousled Futon. After a bunch of apologies and another menacing glare from her, Shūhei offered her a cup of tea.
?Before lunch time I should manage to drop in on Isane, for an examination.? She said, taking a sip of the drink she had been offered.
?You're not feeling...? He started to ask, but soon realized what she meant. ?Oh! Oooh... Do you think...? ...Mmfhh.? He noisily slammed a hand on his face to cover his eyes, calling himself an idiot for having been unable to restrain himself and for not taking any precaution, and shook his head. ?I'm sorry, Rangiku-san. I...? She interrupted him with a slap on his arm with the back of her hand, a gesture more symbolic than meant to hurt him.
?Cut it out, I was on that couch, too. Don't make me start again.? She reprimanded him. ?Besides, in the last months I didn't have even a single ovulation at the due time, maybe I'm worrying for nothing. But I thought you deserved to know.?
He nodded, without knowing exactly for what part. ?Do you... Do you want me to come with you??
?I think it's better if you don't.? She said, after a short while. ?I'd rather not give anyone a reason to spread rumors. By the way, I'd be very grateful if you wouldn't breathe a word to anyone about what happened tonight. Any of it.?
?You don't even need to ask, my lips are sealed. If someone were to ask me why we went away ahead of time, I'll say I saw you home because you weren't feeling very well.?
?Thanks. It means a lot to me.?
?Uhm... Maybe I don't need to say it again, but, should you be pregnant, Rangiku-san, I'm ready to marry you even tonight, if that's what you want. I'll give you all the help you'll permit me to give you. My door is always open for you, Rangiku-san.? He said, looking her in the eyes with a sweet but determined expression.
?I appreciate it very much. Really. Especially considering how I abused your helpfulness.?
?Don't say that, even in jest.? He reprimanded, but in his tone there was no harshness. ?I'd be a fine bastard if I'd back out just when you need it the most.? He added in a low voice.
She stared at him silently, weighting his words, then sighed.
?Did I say something wrong??
?No, not really. I was just thinking back a little about everything. About him, how he behaved, how I let him treat me, about you guys, about you... I was wondering if things between me and Gin would have gone differently had I met you before.? She admitted. ?...Or at least, if I had realized before what a nice person you are.?
Shūhei was speechless, he wasn't expecting such a compliment. An hand found the familiar way to the back of his head and, maybe because it seemed she too was embarrassed, maybe because he didn't have the composure to ask her if there was more behind her words, he tried to change the subject.
?Had we met before you joined the Gotei 13, probably you would have become my baby-sitter. At the time I was about this high.? He said, showing with one hand a height more or less equal to that of his head, considering he was sitting on the floor.
?What is it, a nice way to tell me I'm older than you?? She pressed both fists against her chest and gave him a sad and offended expression.
?No!? He rushed to clarify, raising his hands in front of himself. ?That's not what I meant, absolutely not.?
?Then what did you mean?? She continued her performance; she hadn't thought he would have taken her seriously, given that he had been the first one to crack a joke.
?I meant nothing at all, I was just trying to... Uhm...?
?Relax,? She waved a hand to point out it was a small thing. ?I was just pulling your leg.? She said, then burst into laughter when she saw him pout.
It wasn't an exaggerated laugh and it didn't even last that long, but Shūhei decided it was still a noticeable step forward from the woman that the night before was crying as if there was no tomorrow. His expression softened and, without thinking, he said something that could seem to be of little account but it came straight from the heart.
?It's beautiful to see you smile again, Rangiku-san.?
Speechless, she looked him in the eyes, evidently surprised by his words. ?...Thanks, I think.? She answered at last, lowering her eyes again.
Shūhei looked at her, that was the Rangiku he liked. Confident in herself, in her beauty and in her skills, which she was able to show off in everybody's face without making them weight on anyone, the Rangiku that was always successful in smiling. Not because she didn't have the heart or the brain to be sad, but because she had the bravery to face every adversity and, one way or another, she always managed to overcome them. In a way, at least in his eyes, that woman was stronger than life.
Shūhei naturally and outstandingly realized something he had been unsuccessfully trying to understand for quite some time. All the insecurity of the previous months, the doubts he had confessed to her, at that point no longer had a reason to exist. His world revolved around her, what else did he need to convince himself he loved her?
He observed her, those thoughts whirling in his mind, and he was sure Rangiku had never been so beautiful. Staring at those lips he was itching to kiss, he brought an hand toward her and brushed aside an hair lock hiding her face. She turned to him and Shūhei started to approach her slowly, raising his eyes to meet hers.
The feelings he saw reflected in her gaze caused the contemporaneous resurfacing of all the reasons he had to hold back. There wasn't fear, there wasn't disgust, but only much uncertainty and the fact she wasn't ready for what he'd have wanted to start. And it was just because her eyes weren't saying 'No' to him, but 'Not yet', that Shūhei found the strength to stop.
Hurriedly, he withdrew his hand and cleared his throat. ?Sorry. You had something in your hair.? He offered as an excuse, but he didn't think even for a moment she had believed him. In the same hurry, he collected and took away the cups they had used for the tea.
Without a word, Rangiku observed him walk away. She had so much confusion in her heart for all the things she had gone through that she didn't know what to think of what he had been about to do -or of the reason why he didn't do it. Surely she didn't mind that much the idea of being intimate with him, despite the previous night's embarrassment, but one thing was searching a form of comfort, another was to really desire someone. They were back at the starting point, at the moment in which things had stopped being normal between them. The only differences were that she wasn't crying, that they had stopped in time and that it had been him to start everything this time.
Maybe that last difference was much more important than it seemed, Rangiku thought. Not for the reasons driving them -that substantially were still her need to feel loved and his wish to make her feel loved- but because it was becoming clear to her, despite the doubts he had expressed, what kind of love he was offering her.
She closed her eyes and stretched her arms on the table, in the effort to leave the world outside her head and clear her mind a little.
Shūhei saw the way she stretched and couldn't help but compare her movements to those of a cat -which wasn't that surprising, considering her Zanpakutō. With an incredible amount of self-control, he managed to deny his imagination the privilege to run a hand on that sensual back to hear the moans of pleasure her throat would produce and he approached the table, sitting near her as if nothing had happened.
?Do you like flowers, Rangiku-san?? He asked, as soon as she opened her eyes toward him.
?Uh... Yes, why??
?Roses??
She looked him, trying to figure what he was driving at, and after some seconds nodded. ?Yes??
?Then this is for you.? From below the table, where he had hidden a hand before she turned, Shūhei pulled out a rose of a red-burgundy color, that turned almost black in some points.
Rangiku stared at it with wide eyes, rapt by the dark and melancholy beauty of that flower full of velvety petals. The corolla's richness and the petals' fleshiness were somehow at odds with that color that made it seem old and rotting, as if each petal had been left to dry between the pages of a book.
?It's called 'Black Baccarat'.? He explained, proud that she seemed to like that rose so much. ?I took a plant with me during my last mission on earth, a couple of years ago.?
She stretched out a hand to touch its petals, but stopped before reaching them. ?It's wonderful,? She said, looking him in the eyes. ?But I can't accept it. It's still too soon for me, I'll just end up hurting your feelings.?
For a split second Shūhei wondered if Rangiku had understood what he felt for her, but decided it was best for both of them pretend he never had that revelation. ?No, you won't. I'm not asking you out or to be my girlfriend, consider it a token. It's my promise to be there for you any time you might need it. As for the rest, about any kind of relationship we could start one day, we'll think about it when at least one of us will have sorted out his -or her- feelings. Is it a pact you can accept??
Rangiku didn't answer, at least not with words. Avoiding thorns, she took the rose from his hands without paying attention to the brief contact of her fingertips with his fingers, imperceptible touches that didn't really matter for her but that caused a shiver to run down his back. She brought the rose to her face and buried her nose between the petals, her eyes closed.
?I'm afraid its scent isn't very intense.? He admitted with a slightly embarrassed grin.
?It's still really beautiful.?
?I take it you accept its meaning??
She stood up, the rose firmly in her hand. ?I accept with pleasure.? She bent toward him and, with a mischievous smile, wrapped her arms around his neck. ?You're too much of a good guy for me to turn your offer down.? She said, and then placed a kiss on his cheek, just below the 69. When she returned to a standing position, Shūhei was staring at her wide eyes and she couldn't hold back a brief laugh.
?I think I'd better go, now.? She glanced at the clock, it was 11:43 AM. ?If I hurry maybe I can go to the Research & Development department and still have some hours to spend with Orihime and the others before they go back to earth. By the way, the Senkaimon will be opened at four o'clock.?
?Research & Development department?? He asked, standing up.
?Yes. I'm sure they have something to keep this rose alive as long as possible, or at least to preserve it in this state and avoid its withering.?
?I have a plant of those, you know. It's still rather small, but I should be able to find a flower to replace the old one at any time.?
?It wouldn't have the same meaning.? She protested, contemplating the flower in her hand.
?Okay, okay, as you wish. I surely won't be the one telling you to throw it away if you don't want.?
?I see you're beginning to understand.? She joked, approaching the door. ?See you tomorrow, at the meeting with the Captains.?
?I think I'll come to the Senkaimon, just for politeness.? With 'politeness' he meant he wanted to say goodbye to Chad, who gave him some guitar lesson in the days after the invasion, some months before; considering that the reason why he took that guitar from the real world and was trying to learn how to play it was to impress none other than her, Shūhei omitted that little detail.
?Then I'll see you there.? Rangiku went out the door he had opened for her, waving an hand at him.
?Later.? He watched her walk away for a while, then closed the door and leaned his head against it.
He inhaled deeply. There were still a lot of feelings they both needed to uncover to be able to overcome, and surely it would take a very long while for him to even consider the idea of being something more than a friend for her, but the worst was over, Rangiku seemed fine and Shūhei felt proud for the attachment she had shown to the rose and to what it meant. The fact she hadn't lost her faith in him filled him up with joy, but it was even better to know there was a smile on her face, a true smile that reached her eyes.
And how much he liked to know that smile was meant for him, that was partly his doing.
He brought an hand to his face and caressed the point were she had kissed him with his fingertips. He smiled and shook his head, rhetorically asking himself what his friends and all the women he had shared short affairs and one-night-stands with would think, had they seen him so self-satisfied for a kiss on the cheek. His reaction made him feel a little like an inexperienced kid, but decided that in the end Rangiku deserved it.
She was different, after all, she was the first he had fallen in love with; the experiences he had had with the others involved the body, sometimes the mind, but they never reached his soul, they couldn't compare to what he was feeling at the moment. Little did it matter the night before that same woman had firstly kissed him and then let him 'love' her, those were empty acts that could have been done with anyone and of which memory he would have gladly done without. But that kiss had a very deep meaning and -most important thing- it was meant for him, exclusively and expressly for him.
With an even bigger smile, Shūhei promised himself that one day, it didn't matter how far ahead in time, that little kiss wouldn't be the only thing meant exclusively for him.
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Superer? le correnti gravitazionali,
Lo spazio e la luce per non farti invecchiare
Ti salver? da ogni malinconia,
Perch? sei un essere speciale ed io avr? cura di te...
Io s?, che avr? cura di te
(I'll overcome the gravitational currents)
(The space and the light not to make you grow old)
(I'll save you from every melancholy)
(Because you're a special being and I'll take care of you...)
(Yes, I'll do take care of you)
<hr>
Chapter last edited: March, 23 2009
'Futon' is the typical Japanese mattress that goes directly on the floor, 'Makura' is the small rectangular pillow used together with the Futon (I got this from Wikipedia).
Pointless talking: I think 'La cura' is the most beautiful love song ever composed, so I couldn't not use this one to close the chapter...
Thanks to everyone who read this chapter and thanks to the ones who will review. Any opinion, even negative, will be greatly appreciated.
'Bleach', along with all the characters, places, Zanpakutō, Kido and everything else had been created by Kubo Tite sensei.
The songs quoted in this chapter are "Ten Black Roses" (The Rasmus, from 'Black roses', 2008) and "La Cura" (Franco Battiato, from 'L'imboscata', 1996).
A big Thank you to my beta-reader <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1487926/">[b]rukia23[/b]</a>, who did a wonderful (and fast!) job.
</center>
<hr>
<center>Black Roses
4 - You, me (Rebuilding from scratch)
Skyless_star</center>
When you're sad / And no-one knows it
I'll send you / Black roses
When your heart's / Dark and frozen
I'll send you / Black roses
<center>~ ~ ~ ~ ~</center>
Rangiku was staring at the man resting near her knees. Judging by how he was lying down, she would have said he didn't have a single care in the world, even though she knew it should have been because of an almost sleepless night that he was now sleeping face-down, his legs wide and all the covers kicked aside. Nevertheless, a small smile escaped her lips; in such a position he looked like a child, he was almost cute.
He was sleeping peacefully, even if his expression wasn't totally relaxed -as much as a sleeping person's face could be expressive- but what gave him a totally carefree appearance was the fact he was sleeping with all his covers kicked aside, his legs wide and face down. Rangiku smiled, in that position he looked like a child, he almost inspired tenderness.
Regretting she had to wake him, she gently touched his arm; he let out an indistinct sound and continued to sleep. ?Shūhei.? He stirred a little, but didn't wake. ?Shūhei.? She repeated in a firmer tone and, finally, he squeezed his eyes and opened them, seeing in front of himself the same person that had been in his dream; his mind still fogged by sleep, he put his head on her lap and wrapped his arms around her legs, until an hand touched her buttocks, and returned to his sleep.
Rangiku observed everything without reacting, but once he stopped moving she was grateful that he, despite what she had always thought, didn't sleep naked. While debating what to do to wake him without making the fact embarrassing, she heard him murmur something; it took her a moment to understand what he had said was meant for her.
?I'm sorry, Ran.?
Rangiku smiled sadly, thinking that the previous months and day must have been hard on him, too, and placed a hand on his head. They stayed in that position for a minute or two, until Shūhei realized that the hand caressing his hair was too real to be part of a dream. Stirring a little and in the meantime squeezing that soft thing he had grasped a little while before, he opened his eyes, making an effort not to fall asleep again.
Under his face there was something of an emerald green color with small azure patterns; it was smooth, warm, soft, infinitely more comfortable than his usual Makura, big enough for him to need both of his arms to embrace it and it smelled like a woman. More precisely, it had Rangiku's scent. Just above his head there were two more round, voluminous and seemingly soft objects. He wondered why there were so many pillows, but without thinking too much, he moved a hand up to arrange them so that they could accommodate his head.
?A-hem.?
That voice left him almost petrified. Turning his head above him and focusing beyond those two pillows, he recognized Rangiku's face looking at him with an expression impossibly halfway between angry and amused. Suddenly everything regained its true nature; no longer pillows and scents, but Rangiku in the flesh with her face, her thighs, her bottom, her tits. And his own hands touching or going to touch the last two parts.
Shūhei jumped backward so suddenly that he lost balance, but the speed he had in kneeling down and lowering his head almost to touch the floor had Rangiku wondering if she had just imagined that almost-fall.
?Sorry, sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to, sorry, sorry, sorry, forgive me, sorry, sorry, sorry...? Rangiku's eyebrow gradually raised as Shūhei continued to speak with frightening speed and, after few seconds and definitely too many words, she decided it would be better to stop him, given that he wouldn't do it by himself.
?All right, all right, I've got it. You're forgiven. Could you please raise your head now??
He did as requested and looked her in the face. ?I'm so-? The glare he received made him understand he didn't need to apologize for apologizing too much.
?Instead, I should be the one apologizing. I entered uninvited and woke you up, I'm sorry.?
?No, don't worry...? He said without thinking. ?Uhm, can I ask you why you're here?? He added, confused.
Rangiku took a deep breath, it was time to tell him what she had gone there for. Problem was that, despite arriving there in a rush, now she didn't know what to say. ?I brought your Kimono back.? She said, pointing to the desk where she had placed it.
Shūhei turned to the furniture behind his back, not because he wanted to verify the Kimono was there but only for an instinctive reaction; when their eyes met again it was clear to both that there were other things to say. Rangiku sighed and inserted an hand inside the Obi, taking out the letter he had left her.
?I found this.? She said, expecting him to understand what she wanted to talk about.
And as for understanding, Shūhei had understood, but at that point he didn't know what more he could say; his whole heart already lay in those sheets of paper she was holding. He scratched the back of his head, searching for the right words, but even asking her what she thought about it seemed out of place.
?What you wrote here...? She started, raising the letter, ?Do you really think you acted wrongly toward me? Do you think you took advantage of the situation?? She asked him, deciding this point was the first one they had to clarify.
He stared at her, as if she had said something totally meaningless. ?Rangiku-san, after what has happened... I don't need to 'think' it, it's a matter of fact.?
?And in this 'matter of fact' did you consider that I was the one who asked you to come to bed with me??
Shūhei blushed imperceptibly. Given his experience with the other sex it wasn't easy to embarrass him, but in his eyes ten, or even one hundred women were nothing if compared to Rangiku. ?This doesn't justify me. I could, no, I should have said 'No'.?
?That you did more than once, if I'm not wrong.?
He said nothing, which made Rangiku sigh. ?Listen, Shūhei, I'm not angry at you for what has happened. If there's someone who took advantage of the other, yesterday night, that's me; you just offered me your help when I needed it the most. Sure, it had been embarrassing and I'm not proud of it, but I have to admit it worked. If nothing, now I can see things a little more detachedly, even if they still hurt.?
?However-? He started, but she didn't let him continue.
?Do you think I didn't notice how you carefully avoided touching my bosom? Anyone else wouldn't have thought twice about it, so quit saying you took advantage of me before I'll be the one to feel guilty.?
Her tone and her gaze held so much determination that he didn't even consider to object. He shook his head up and down to express his assent and timidly added an ?Uh... Okay.?
?And just for the sake of clarity, I don't want you to disappear from my life, I don't want you to avoid me or our mutual friends and I'd never ask you to give up on your rank. So lump it, Lieutenant, because you'll keep seeing me for a very long time.?
Shūhei looked at her dumbstruck and, after a few moments, brought a hand to the back of his head. ?I don't think, honestly speaking, that I'll find it unpleasing.? He raised the corners of his mouth in a timid smile that powerfully extended to his eyes as soon as he saw Rangiku reciprocating.
Maybe, Shūhei thought, not only I won't lose her forever, but their relationship might come out of all this even stronger.
After a moment of comfortable silence, he finally realized Rangiku was kneeling down on his tousled Futon. After a bunch of apologies and another menacing glare from her, Shūhei offered her a cup of tea.
?Before lunch time I should manage to drop in on Isane, for an examination.? She said, taking a sip of the drink she had been offered.
?You're not feeling...? He started to ask, but soon realized what she meant. ?Oh! Oooh... Do you think...? ...Mmfhh.? He noisily slammed a hand on his face to cover his eyes, calling himself an idiot for having been unable to restrain himself and for not taking any precaution, and shook his head. ?I'm sorry, Rangiku-san. I...? She interrupted him with a slap on his arm with the back of her hand, a gesture more symbolic than meant to hurt him.
?Cut it out, I was on that couch, too. Don't make me start again.? She reprimanded him. ?Besides, in the last months I didn't have even a single ovulation at the due time, maybe I'm worrying for nothing. But I thought you deserved to know.?
He nodded, without knowing exactly for what part. ?Do you... Do you want me to come with you??
?I think it's better if you don't.? She said, after a short while. ?I'd rather not give anyone a reason to spread rumors. By the way, I'd be very grateful if you wouldn't breathe a word to anyone about what happened tonight. Any of it.?
?You don't even need to ask, my lips are sealed. If someone were to ask me why we went away ahead of time, I'll say I saw you home because you weren't feeling very well.?
?Thanks. It means a lot to me.?
?Uhm... Maybe I don't need to say it again, but, should you be pregnant, Rangiku-san, I'm ready to marry you even tonight, if that's what you want. I'll give you all the help you'll permit me to give you. My door is always open for you, Rangiku-san.? He said, looking her in the eyes with a sweet but determined expression.
?I appreciate it very much. Really. Especially considering how I abused your helpfulness.?
?Don't say that, even in jest.? He reprimanded, but in his tone there was no harshness. ?I'd be a fine bastard if I'd back out just when you need it the most.? He added in a low voice.
She stared at him silently, weighting his words, then sighed.
?Did I say something wrong??
?No, not really. I was just thinking back a little about everything. About him, how he behaved, how I let him treat me, about you guys, about you... I was wondering if things between me and Gin would have gone differently had I met you before.? She admitted. ?...Or at least, if I had realized before what a nice person you are.?
Shūhei was speechless, he wasn't expecting such a compliment. An hand found the familiar way to the back of his head and, maybe because it seemed she too was embarrassed, maybe because he didn't have the composure to ask her if there was more behind her words, he tried to change the subject.
?Had we met before you joined the Gotei 13, probably you would have become my baby-sitter. At the time I was about this high.? He said, showing with one hand a height more or less equal to that of his head, considering he was sitting on the floor.
?What is it, a nice way to tell me I'm older than you?? She pressed both fists against her chest and gave him a sad and offended expression.
?No!? He rushed to clarify, raising his hands in front of himself. ?That's not what I meant, absolutely not.?
?Then what did you mean?? She continued her performance; she hadn't thought he would have taken her seriously, given that he had been the first one to crack a joke.
?I meant nothing at all, I was just trying to... Uhm...?
?Relax,? She waved a hand to point out it was a small thing. ?I was just pulling your leg.? She said, then burst into laughter when she saw him pout.
It wasn't an exaggerated laugh and it didn't even last that long, but Shūhei decided it was still a noticeable step forward from the woman that the night before was crying as if there was no tomorrow. His expression softened and, without thinking, he said something that could seem to be of little account but it came straight from the heart.
?It's beautiful to see you smile again, Rangiku-san.?
Speechless, she looked him in the eyes, evidently surprised by his words. ?...Thanks, I think.? She answered at last, lowering her eyes again.
Shūhei looked at her, that was the Rangiku he liked. Confident in herself, in her beauty and in her skills, which she was able to show off in everybody's face without making them weight on anyone, the Rangiku that was always successful in smiling. Not because she didn't have the heart or the brain to be sad, but because she had the bravery to face every adversity and, one way or another, she always managed to overcome them. In a way, at least in his eyes, that woman was stronger than life.
Shūhei naturally and outstandingly realized something he had been unsuccessfully trying to understand for quite some time. All the insecurity of the previous months, the doubts he had confessed to her, at that point no longer had a reason to exist. His world revolved around her, what else did he need to convince himself he loved her?
He observed her, those thoughts whirling in his mind, and he was sure Rangiku had never been so beautiful. Staring at those lips he was itching to kiss, he brought an hand toward her and brushed aside an hair lock hiding her face. She turned to him and Shūhei started to approach her slowly, raising his eyes to meet hers.
The feelings he saw reflected in her gaze caused the contemporaneous resurfacing of all the reasons he had to hold back. There wasn't fear, there wasn't disgust, but only much uncertainty and the fact she wasn't ready for what he'd have wanted to start. And it was just because her eyes weren't saying 'No' to him, but 'Not yet', that Shūhei found the strength to stop.
Hurriedly, he withdrew his hand and cleared his throat. ?Sorry. You had something in your hair.? He offered as an excuse, but he didn't think even for a moment she had believed him. In the same hurry, he collected and took away the cups they had used for the tea.
Without a word, Rangiku observed him walk away. She had so much confusion in her heart for all the things she had gone through that she didn't know what to think of what he had been about to do -or of the reason why he didn't do it. Surely she didn't mind that much the idea of being intimate with him, despite the previous night's embarrassment, but one thing was searching a form of comfort, another was to really desire someone. They were back at the starting point, at the moment in which things had stopped being normal between them. The only differences were that she wasn't crying, that they had stopped in time and that it had been him to start everything this time.
Maybe that last difference was much more important than it seemed, Rangiku thought. Not for the reasons driving them -that substantially were still her need to feel loved and his wish to make her feel loved- but because it was becoming clear to her, despite the doubts he had expressed, what kind of love he was offering her.
She closed her eyes and stretched her arms on the table, in the effort to leave the world outside her head and clear her mind a little.
Shūhei saw the way she stretched and couldn't help but compare her movements to those of a cat -which wasn't that surprising, considering her Zanpakutō. With an incredible amount of self-control, he managed to deny his imagination the privilege to run a hand on that sensual back to hear the moans of pleasure her throat would produce and he approached the table, sitting near her as if nothing had happened.
?Do you like flowers, Rangiku-san?? He asked, as soon as she opened her eyes toward him.
?Uh... Yes, why??
?Roses??
She looked him, trying to figure what he was driving at, and after some seconds nodded. ?Yes??
?Then this is for you.? From below the table, where he had hidden a hand before she turned, Shūhei pulled out a rose of a red-burgundy color, that turned almost black in some points.
Rangiku stared at it with wide eyes, rapt by the dark and melancholy beauty of that flower full of velvety petals. The corolla's richness and the petals' fleshiness were somehow at odds with that color that made it seem old and rotting, as if each petal had been left to dry between the pages of a book.
?It's called 'Black Baccarat'.? He explained, proud that she seemed to like that rose so much. ?I took a plant with me during my last mission on earth, a couple of years ago.?
She stretched out a hand to touch its petals, but stopped before reaching them. ?It's wonderful,? She said, looking him in the eyes. ?But I can't accept it. It's still too soon for me, I'll just end up hurting your feelings.?
For a split second Shūhei wondered if Rangiku had understood what he felt for her, but decided it was best for both of them pretend he never had that revelation. ?No, you won't. I'm not asking you out or to be my girlfriend, consider it a token. It's my promise to be there for you any time you might need it. As for the rest, about any kind of relationship we could start one day, we'll think about it when at least one of us will have sorted out his -or her- feelings. Is it a pact you can accept??
Rangiku didn't answer, at least not with words. Avoiding thorns, she took the rose from his hands without paying attention to the brief contact of her fingertips with his fingers, imperceptible touches that didn't really matter for her but that caused a shiver to run down his back. She brought the rose to her face and buried her nose between the petals, her eyes closed.
?I'm afraid its scent isn't very intense.? He admitted with a slightly embarrassed grin.
?It's still really beautiful.?
?I take it you accept its meaning??
She stood up, the rose firmly in her hand. ?I accept with pleasure.? She bent toward him and, with a mischievous smile, wrapped her arms around his neck. ?You're too much of a good guy for me to turn your offer down.? She said, and then placed a kiss on his cheek, just below the 69. When she returned to a standing position, Shūhei was staring at her wide eyes and she couldn't hold back a brief laugh.
?I think I'd better go, now.? She glanced at the clock, it was 11:43 AM. ?If I hurry maybe I can go to the Research & Development department and still have some hours to spend with Orihime and the others before they go back to earth. By the way, the Senkaimon will be opened at four o'clock.?
?Research & Development department?? He asked, standing up.
?Yes. I'm sure they have something to keep this rose alive as long as possible, or at least to preserve it in this state and avoid its withering.?
?I have a plant of those, you know. It's still rather small, but I should be able to find a flower to replace the old one at any time.?
?It wouldn't have the same meaning.? She protested, contemplating the flower in her hand.
?Okay, okay, as you wish. I surely won't be the one telling you to throw it away if you don't want.?
?I see you're beginning to understand.? She joked, approaching the door. ?See you tomorrow, at the meeting with the Captains.?
?I think I'll come to the Senkaimon, just for politeness.? With 'politeness' he meant he wanted to say goodbye to Chad, who gave him some guitar lesson in the days after the invasion, some months before; considering that the reason why he took that guitar from the real world and was trying to learn how to play it was to impress none other than her, Shūhei omitted that little detail.
?Then I'll see you there.? Rangiku went out the door he had opened for her, waving an hand at him.
?Later.? He watched her walk away for a while, then closed the door and leaned his head against it.
He inhaled deeply. There were still a lot of feelings they both needed to uncover to be able to overcome, and surely it would take a very long while for him to even consider the idea of being something more than a friend for her, but the worst was over, Rangiku seemed fine and Shūhei felt proud for the attachment she had shown to the rose and to what it meant. The fact she hadn't lost her faith in him filled him up with joy, but it was even better to know there was a smile on her face, a true smile that reached her eyes.
And how much he liked to know that smile was meant for him, that was partly his doing.
He brought an hand to his face and caressed the point were she had kissed him with his fingertips. He smiled and shook his head, rhetorically asking himself what his friends and all the women he had shared short affairs and one-night-stands with would think, had they seen him so self-satisfied for a kiss on the cheek. His reaction made him feel a little like an inexperienced kid, but decided that in the end Rangiku deserved it.
She was different, after all, she was the first he had fallen in love with; the experiences he had had with the others involved the body, sometimes the mind, but they never reached his soul, they couldn't compare to what he was feeling at the moment. Little did it matter the night before that same woman had firstly kissed him and then let him 'love' her, those were empty acts that could have been done with anyone and of which memory he would have gladly done without. But that kiss had a very deep meaning and -most important thing- it was meant for him, exclusively and expressly for him.
With an even bigger smile, Shūhei promised himself that one day, it didn't matter how far ahead in time, that little kiss wouldn't be the only thing meant exclusively for him.
<center>~ ~ ~ ~ ~</center>
Superer? le correnti gravitazionali,
Lo spazio e la luce per non farti invecchiare
Ti salver? da ogni malinconia,
Perch? sei un essere speciale ed io avr? cura di te...
Io s?, che avr? cura di te
(I'll overcome the gravitational currents)
(The space and the light not to make you grow old)
(I'll save you from every melancholy)
(Because you're a special being and I'll take care of you...)
(Yes, I'll do take care of you)
<hr>
Chapter last edited: March, 23 2009
'Futon' is the typical Japanese mattress that goes directly on the floor, 'Makura' is the small rectangular pillow used together with the Futon (I got this from Wikipedia).
Pointless talking: I think 'La cura' is the most beautiful love song ever composed, so I couldn't not use this one to close the chapter...
Thanks to everyone who read this chapter and thanks to the ones who will review. Any opinion, even negative, will be greatly appreciated.
Last edited by Skyless_star on Wed Mar 25, 2009 9:34 am, edited 2 times in total.
-
Skyless_star
- New Recruit
- Posts: 11
- Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 5:05 pm
<center>Disclaimer:
'Bleach', along with all the characters, places, Zanpakutō, Kido and everything else had been created by Kubo Tite sensei.
The song quoted in this chapter is "Enjoy the silence" (Depeche Mode, from Violator, 1990).
A big Thank you to my beta-reader <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1487926/">[b]rukia23[/b]</a>, who did a wonderful (and fast!) job.
</center>
<hr>
<center>Black Roses
Epilogue - Us (What future can bring)
Skyless_star</center>
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
<center>~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Ten years later ~ ~ ~ ~ ~</center>
Whispers, moans and cries of pleasure echoed in the corridors of the tenth division. Sensual and primitive sounds, meant to let everybody know how much that man -her man- could please her.
In the Futon, two bodies entwined together in a tangle of limbs, sheets, blond wavy locks, hands squeezing flourishing breasts, fingers running on supple legs wrapped around nimble and slim hips, nails scratching a back with slender and strong muscles, lips exploring a sensual neck, sucking an earlobe, skimming a jaw and grazing another pair of lips, searching them, devouring them. Bodies moving one inside of the other, around the other, with the other, bodies that moaned, perspired, bodies that couldn't get enough one of the other.
In a display cabinet, the ten black roses Shūhei had given the woman. A rose every year, until a year before, on the day of Ichimaru's death, to renew his promise of being at her side anytime she'd need it.
On the table, wrapped with paper and ribbon both red with golden shimmers, twelve roses as red as blood. Because a black rose, no matter how rare and precious, couldn't account for the passion that overwhelmingly exploded between them in the previous months. Without a reason, an excuse or a special circumstance; it had always been there, it had just decided it could no longer bear to be ignored.
Between the flowers, a brief message written on valuable paper with suave and harmonious writing.
To my precious Rangiku
Sensual as the Moon,
flourishing like mother Earth,
every morning, like the Sun,
she bestows light upon my life.
With Love,
Shūhei
<hr>
Chapter last edited: March, 15 2009
So, this is the last episode of this story. I want to thank everyone who read it to the end and I'd like to welcome reviews of any kind.
I must admit I expected some more (probably I overestimated Shūhei's popularity, but I think he should have a lot more space in the manga), but I'm still very happy for they were wonderful.
Special thanks to raxilia_running, who reviewed the Italian version of all the previous chapters.
While I'm here, I want to thank again my two beta-readers, <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1487926/">[b]rukia23[/b]</a> and <a href="http://www.serintage.com/ufficio/viewus ... b]ciuiciui[/b]</a>, who took care respectively of the English and Italian version.
'Bleach', along with all the characters, places, Zanpakutō, Kido and everything else had been created by Kubo Tite sensei.
The song quoted in this chapter is "Enjoy the silence" (Depeche Mode, from Violator, 1990).
A big Thank you to my beta-reader <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1487926/">[b]rukia23[/b]</a>, who did a wonderful (and fast!) job.
</center>
<hr>
<center>Black Roses
Epilogue - Us (What future can bring)
Skyless_star</center>
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
<center>~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Ten years later ~ ~ ~ ~ ~</center>
Whispers, moans and cries of pleasure echoed in the corridors of the tenth division. Sensual and primitive sounds, meant to let everybody know how much that man -her man- could please her.
In the Futon, two bodies entwined together in a tangle of limbs, sheets, blond wavy locks, hands squeezing flourishing breasts, fingers running on supple legs wrapped around nimble and slim hips, nails scratching a back with slender and strong muscles, lips exploring a sensual neck, sucking an earlobe, skimming a jaw and grazing another pair of lips, searching them, devouring them. Bodies moving one inside of the other, around the other, with the other, bodies that moaned, perspired, bodies that couldn't get enough one of the other.
In a display cabinet, the ten black roses Shūhei had given the woman. A rose every year, until a year before, on the day of Ichimaru's death, to renew his promise of being at her side anytime she'd need it.
On the table, wrapped with paper and ribbon both red with golden shimmers, twelve roses as red as blood. Because a black rose, no matter how rare and precious, couldn't account for the passion that overwhelmingly exploded between them in the previous months. Without a reason, an excuse or a special circumstance; it had always been there, it had just decided it could no longer bear to be ignored.
Between the flowers, a brief message written on valuable paper with suave and harmonious writing.
To my precious Rangiku
Sensual as the Moon,
flourishing like mother Earth,
every morning, like the Sun,
she bestows light upon my life.
With Love,
Shūhei
<hr>
Chapter last edited: March, 15 2009
So, this is the last episode of this story. I want to thank everyone who read it to the end and I'd like to welcome reviews of any kind.
I must admit I expected some more (probably I overestimated Shūhei's popularity, but I think he should have a lot more space in the manga), but I'm still very happy for they were wonderful.
Special thanks to raxilia_running, who reviewed the Italian version of all the previous chapters.
While I'm here, I want to thank again my two beta-readers, <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1487926/">[b]rukia23[/b]</a> and <a href="http://www.serintage.com/ufficio/viewus ... b]ciuiciui[/b]</a>, who took care respectively of the English and Italian version.