But I'll do my best to keep the love and angst coming. Enjoy!
AEA Nameless Hope
Chapter Three: Poison Passion
Love, it?s a brittle madness
Sing about it in all my sadness
It?s not falsified to say that I found God
Inevitably, well it still exists
So pale and fine I can?t dismiss
And I won?t resist
And if I die, well at least I tried
And we just lay awake in lust
And rust in the rain
And pour over everything we say we trust
It happened again, I listened in
Through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind
And the rust and the rain endure
The rust and the rain endure
-Jason Mraz, On Love, In Sadness
?Are you sure you don?t love me??
For most of his life, Heero could rely on his brain to dictate his body?s responses. But there were times when his body was a step ahead of his brain, as if emotions were all that wired him. When this would happen, Heero?s body would make quick decisions before his head could calculate the correct response. This often warranted less-than-desirable results?like the time he self-detonated. Waking up a month later, it dawned on him that there could have been another option, but that single-minded determinism of his, that unwavering dedication to the mission, propelled his body into auto-pilot before his head had chance to reason.
And this is why, instead of articulating an answer to Relena?s question, his body launched him forward. His mind was screaming at him as he leaned over her and, stupidly, covered her lips with his. And he knew, as she kissed him back, that he was done for. Whatever mind games they?d been playing, he had totally, utterly failed. Her arms wrapped around his neck, his seized her waist, and for him that meant surrender.
He knew that he was irrevocably in love with her.
Reason was dawning on him, but as their kisses deepened reason flew out of his head and was replaced by panic. What had happened to staying away from her for her own good? To keep her safe? To love her from a distance? Some plan.
He broke away, breathing hard. She was smiling triumphantly.
?I knew it,? she beamed. ?You?re still in love with me.? She tapped his chest with her index finger.
His mind raced to catch up to his body. ?Relena, I never said??
She shook her head to halt his words. ?You didn?t have to. I could tell.?
Because you?re psychic? He wondered. But he just murmured, ?How??
She leaned toward him with a knowing smiling. ?I can?t quite explain it,? she said, ?but I can just feel your love, as silly as that sounds.?
Damn, he thought. Things were not going according to plan. How was he supposed to love her from a distance if she could tell? He needed to refute her, and fast.
?Relena, I never told you how I felt to start with.? That much was true.
?I told you, you didn?t have to, I could just??
He closed his eyes, as if that would make things any easier. ?I?ve never felt that way about you, Relena.? He opened his eyes to find her rolling hers.
?I don?t believe you,? she said simply. ?You?re just saying that in some twisted attempt to protect me.?
His eyes widened. How had she done that?
?You?re afraid of hurting me,? Relena continued, ?so you?ve kept your distance. However, you failed to take into account that by caring so much about protecting me, you?ve only showed me how much you actually love me.? She smiled up at him confidently.
Heero?s head was spinning. Apparently, not only was Relena psychic?she was also a psychologist with a PhD in Heero Yuy.
?Relena, look, I??
But she was far smarter than him. She didn?t let him finish, just leaned back into him and began kissing him with more passion than he knew she was capable of. He had no idea her feelings for him were so intense, so? risqu?. She was not the prim and proper Relena he had courted as a teen.
He?d nearly forgotten how soft her lips were. They were pressed firmly against his, but parted easily when he pushed his tongue through. And her tongue was all too eager to dance with his. She swirled it in soft circles inside his mouth, and he was weakening.
Before he could reconcile what he was doing, he was pressing her back against the pillows. She began unbuttoning his shirt, and he expedited the process by shrugging out of it. He didn?t even notice when it hit the floor. She was all he could focus on?the sugary taste of her lips, the intoxicating scent of her hair, the tantalizing way her fingers ran over his bare chest, arms and shoulders. Everything felt inexplicably wonderful, and yet he ached. He wanted, needed to take things further. His hands acted of their own accord, rushing to untie the belt of her robe.
But somewhere in the back of his mind, his conscience fought for his attention. What about marriage? And family? Doesn?t she value those things?
He jerked himself back. ?Relena, wait,? he gasped. ?We can?t do this.?
She blinked up at him. ?Why not??
He raked his fingers through his long bangs, unsure of why himself. ?Because you deserve more than this,? he said slowly. ?But I have nothing to give you.?
Relena sighed. ?Heero, that?s ridiculous. You have everything I could ever want.?
Was she so determined to keep him? Heero could hardly believe it. It would be so easy to take her, unbelievably easy, but he couldn?t let himself falter. He took a deep breath. ?But I don?t? Relena, I don?t love you.?
She placed a finger over his lips. ?Don?t say that.?
?It?s the truth,? he said, turning his face away. ?I can?t love you.?
She just smiled and placed both of her hands on his chest, directly over his heart. ?I think you can, and already do,? she murmured, trailing her fingers down to his abdomen.
He took in a more shallow breath, trying to steady the rushing in his head. Lying to her was harder than he?d ever imagined, but it was necessary to keep her safe. His single-minded determinism put the greater mission back into perspective. He could try again. He concentrated on stilling his pounding heart and leveled Relena with a firm gaze. He chose his next words carefully.
?But I left, Relena. I left because I didn?t feel that way about you. I?ve always known your feelings for me, and I stayed with you to see if I could learn to love the way you did. But it?s not something that comes naturally to me. It?s not something I understand.?
He watched her face as his words registered. Her eyes were as wide as the day he tore up her birthday invitation and whispered, ?I?ll kill you.? But now she just shook her head. Apparently, she was just as single-minded as he was, determined to believe in his love no matter what.
?I tried,? he continued, ?but I couldn?t stay. I had to leave before we got in so deep, you?d end up getting even more hurt. I didn?t want to hurt or humiliate you.? He squeezed his eyes shut and delivered a tried-and-true cop-out: ?It was for your own good.?
?But you came back,? she whispered.
He opened his eyes and saw hers filling with tears, at last. It had taken this much to break her. He felt terrible, but was compelled to keep going.
?I came back,? he continued, ?to keep you safe. I heard how sub-par your security team was, and I didn?t like the idea of leaving you with such incompetence.?
She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. ?But doesn?t that make you wonder, Heero?? She sat up and leaned toward him eagerly. ?Don?t you think it means you care about more than just keeping me safe??
Heero felt a lump forming in his throat but ignored it. ?No. I spent years trying to assess my feelings. All I?ve come up with is that you?re important to me, but it?s also because you?re important to the world. You?ve been my responsibility for so long, I can?t let anything happen to you. Your safety is all that matters.?
?But?? He could tell she was running out of ways to counter him. ?But what about everything else we?ve shared? We?ve become so close??
He held up a hand to stop her from saying more. ?I said you?re important to me, Relena. But I?ve tried, and I can?t love you.?
Relena dropped her head, probably to keep him from seeing her tears. Reluctantly, he rose to leave, but she clung to his arm.
?Please,? she whispered. ?Don?t leave. Please, just stay with me.? A tear ran down her cheek as she lifted her eyes to his. ?I need you to stay.?
He sat back down and thumbed at the stray tear. He shouldn?t have, but it was a reflex. ?If I stay, I?ll only cause you more pain,? he murmured.
?No, you won?t,? she said, smiling sadly. ?Because I still don?t believe you.?
He grimaced, his heart twisting in agony. What more could he say to her?
?I know that deep inside, you have love for me,? she went on. ?Maybe it?s hidden somewhere, but I know it?s there. And I know I can bring it out.?
?Relena??
?Please, Heero. Can?t you just let me try??
And what does trying involve? He wondered. He didn?t have a chance to reflect; she was kissing him again. And every time their lips touched, his mind went numb and he was rendered helpless. How could he stand firm if she did this whenever they disagreed on anything? If she kept this up, he knew she could win every argument they?d ever have.
But he had one more chance to keep things from going too far. There was one more lie he had yet to tell. And if this lie was a weapon, it would be a twin buster rifle.
?Relena.? He said her name gruffly and pushed her away. She looked shocked but didn?t interrupt him. ?You can?t expect a physical relationship to become anything more than that,? he said. ?In the past, I was able to be physical with you, but I didn?t love you. And we can?t have a physical relationship now without destroying our professional one, not to mention our friendship.?
She seemed to spend a moment contemplating this; then she smiled warmly. She reached for him again. ?But if we make love??
?There?s a difference between love and sex, Relena,? he spat. He saw her recoil, but kept going. He knew how to end this, let everything die once and for all. ?I would know,? he stated flatly. ?I?ve had sex before. And I barely remember anything about any of those women. They meant nothing to me, but you do. I value you too much to reduce you to an easy lay.?
?What?? she whispered, incredulous. Her face turned bright red. They sat in silence for a full moment, and Heero was certain Relena was going to slap him. Her face was a frightening mixture of hurt, anger and disbelief.
But the lie was twisting its way into truth. Relena?s hand flew to her mouth as the shock of his confession finally registered with her. It was clear that she finally believed he didn?t love her.
He?d done it. It was really over. Heero felt his mouth fill with a bitter taste, and he fought to keep moisture from leaking out of his eyes.
Relena sat there dejectedly, shoulders slumped and shaking. Instinct led Heero to reach an arm out to her, but as soon as he did he began to back away. Before he could, Relena crumpled against his chest. She was crying. She didn?t make a sound as she sobbed, but he could feel the wetness of her tears on his skin, her chest heaving against his.
Heero felt wretched. In a manner of minutes, he had gone from being the center of her world to the scum of it.
Perhaps, this time, he?d gone too far. What could he do now? He?d caused irreparable damage. But wasn?t that what he?d wanted? How else could he keep her safe from him but to push her away?
?I?m sorry,? he whispered, but knew it was no use. He stroked her hair; some of it had fallen in front of her face and was becoming soaked in her tears. ?I didn?t mean to hurt you,? he offered lamely. ?I?ve never wanted to hurt you.?
She said nothing, just took in a shattered breath. Heero realized this was far worse than when he?d broken up with her. He swallowed, the guilt of his fallacies hitting him with full force. He?d never felt so wretched in his life. He was a man who?d slain hundreds, possibly thousands in battle. But his words hurt Relena more than if he?d pulled the trigger on her so many years ago. He?d done worse than destroying her body as an enemy?he?d killed her heart. His head throbbed as realization slammed into him. In effect, he?d murdered the only one he loved.
<---- Kawaii so desu a ne 
He just doesn't know any better. I'm trying to straighten the poor guy out. But at least you've all enjoyed the chapter, even if Heero did drive you crazy (maybe that's half the fun, eh?). 
....er..... 
well when the ride's all finished, I will. 
*blows chunks* There goes my heart. 
