A few thanks before we begin...

To Miaka... instigator? beta? encourager? Is there a word that fits?

lol This certainly would have fallen into a state of disrepair without your

patience! :0) I'll leave off so you can spare your evilness, hehe.

To Loyce... Your enthusiasm was so appreciated! And your patience with my

nagging, and all your help... Many happy Duo thoughts. :0) *sparing this

evilness as well*

To Zap... Your comments really, truly helped shed new light onto this piece.

I hope you read, and if you see things that have made it better, (and to

each of the above three!) know that it's because of you. :0)

Now, I'll shut my trap, and get on with the fic!

Jen :0)

***

You are mine and I'll wait for you my love

You are mine it may take some time

Even if it takes a lifetime

Tell me you'll wait

-Somewhere Somehow -- Michael W. Smith

***

No one can determine the outcome of a life. The last whispered hope before

sleep fades away into dreams, and then into reality. The world changes in a

moment, and there is no warning.

***

Vice Foreign Minister Relena Dorlian had been threatened. At one time or

another everyone in the earth sphere wished to harm her. Standing calm as

was her nature, she weathered the storms that came in the two years of peace

the people had attained. Her guards, Heero standing silently by, kept her

safe, even as the threats faded. In the end, it was no threat from the

outside that brought her to her knees, but the job itself, and the strain

she felt because of it. Heero, now forced to watch her pale and troubled in

the hospital, begins to plan. The cycle of her giving her very health would

end. And he would do anything in his power to stop it.

***

Fall to Ashes

Chapter One

***

It was wrong to see her like this. She was so alive, so pure, so untouched

by all the evils of the world. Or she would be if he could help it. But

this...this he couldn't stop. He couldn't keep her from getting sick. He

couldn't put the color back in her cheeks, calm the fevers that came and

went, or stop the cough that shook her small body with too much regularity.

As he hovered in the shadows, he saw the doctors speak cheerfully to her,

while watching them shake their heads as they left the room. It wasn't life

threatening they said, she could easily recover. But the stress of her job

had taken a simple cold, and had it bordering on pneumonia. Pale, weak,

almost a shadow of the lively Vice Foreign Minister.

Relena. How he would have given anything to trade places with her. His life

was expendable. Hers... She was so strong, such a leader. The people, he

thought, anger welling up within him, asked too much of her. She would give

and give until there was nothing left. And from the feeling he got from the

doctors, she had almost done just that. But no more, he vowed. No more would

he stand idly by as she worked late into the night, sacrificing sleep for

the people. Did they feel any remorse that they had almost sent her to her

deathbed? Unlikely. The second she emerged from the hospital, the clamor

would begin again, and this time he was unwilling, and unable to watch her

go through the same downward spiral of madness again. She would listen to

him, let him keep her from this idiocy. She was not an idiot, just too

selfless. She'd once told him that his life was important, and it was

pointless to try and get himself killed. But what was she doing now?

So he sat in the shadows, watching her sleep, waiting for the life to

re-enter her body and for the day when he could talk some sense in to her.

She was too frail now for the words he wished to use, for the way he wanted

to grab her shoulders and shake her. Make her tell him why she felt the need

to hurt them both by putting herself in danger. Would he tell her that he

hurt for her? Would he tell her that it hurt him to watch her do this to

herself? Doubtful. It was a complication that she most likely didn't need.

But the doctors....they needed to tell her that she had to stop. Now, maybe

indefinitely, maybe not forever, but until he could see she was well. He

needed that; needed to know she was safe for at least a while. Wanted this

ball of worry that had resided in his stomach for the past month to go away.

He paused in his thoughts, ironically amused. It sounded so selfish when he

put it that way.

The doctors feared him, the near silent force always near her. When he

suggested, commanded, them to tell her to take time away indefinitely, they

would agree. It was the right choice, his opinion or not. He would just help

to persuade their fervor in convincing her.

****

"A leave of absence..."

"...indefinite..."

"...someone to take your place until you are fit to go back..."

"...time to rest and do other things..."

"...in your best interest..."

"...for your health it'd be best to leave politics..."

The doctor's words sped through Relena's head at a neck-breaking pace. They

all said the same thing: she had to take a break. In the course of her

illness she had heard anywhere from 6 months to a year. Some even suggesting

getting someone to fill her spot, while she could play advisor in a tough

situation. It was the most logical option, they told her. Her influence was

still important, it seemed, but not so important that her presence was

required every moment of every day.

"What's wrong?"

Heero's monotone voice broke the silence in the room, causing her to jump.

Relena turned and found him standing in the doorway. "What did you say?" She

asked rubbing her throbbing temples.

"Are you in pain?" Pushing away from the doorframe, he moved further into

the room.

"No." She dropped her hand away from her head, and into her lap. Not

physical anyway.

"What's wrong?" he repeated, walking up to stand in front of her.

She paused from her thoughts, staring up into that familiar face, amazed by

the tinge of worry she saw there. He was concerned for her. In the soft

beige of the hospital room the colors of his clothes, blues and greens and

yellows, brightened up the very atmosphere. It had been so deathly quiet, so

solemn most of the time, that it had almost seemed to her fevered mind to be

a wake, and not a room of recovery. It seemed she remembered a visit from

Duo and Hilde, bringing sunshine with their personalities, and colorful

flowers that had long since died from the plant. The past few weeks had

passed by in a blur of nothingness, and it was only with Heero right here in

front of her, looking at her so *intently* that it began to seem like she

was living again.

For a while it had seemed Heero had been almost afraid to look at her, as if

his gaze would somehow hurt her. Most of all she remembered his voice,

because for all he would not look at her, sometimes during the worst of her

illness, he would speak to her, very quietly. The weather, the food, at

least once about the war, it didn't matter. He would speak at the bed

railing, she knew this from being able to peek a couple of times, keeping

her company. If he was feeling secure, he would touch her hand, baby soft

touches so light she sometimes thought she was dreaming, until finally

laying his hand lightly over hers. He would sit like that until she woke

completely, or until someone entered the room. He didn't jerk back, merely

withdrawing his hand and staying seated next to her, knowing his place would

not be questioned, and quite ready and able to defend her. There was nothing

she could fathom that could have brought her greater comfort. Remembering,

and seeing him now, sent a surge of affection through her, putting the color

in her cheeks that had been missing.

"What will I do?" she asked, sobering considerably. "I have a decent

education, but this is all I know. This is all I ever expected to do. I feel

like my paddles have been taken and my creek has been drained."

Heero's eyes narrowed at her words. There were people who would come out of

the woodwork to help her, and yet.he understood what she meant, wanting to

be able to do something for herself, and not because of a name, or because

of friendship. She would never, ever lack for anything, certainly if he,

the other Gundam pilots, or most everyone they had encountered during the

wars, had anything to say about it She was liked and respected by very

nearly everyone. Maybe her ideas, and tactics didn't quite mesh with them

all, but that she fought next to them for the end of the war overcame many

of those differences.

"You're smart. This isn't forever. Your finances will hold up for years,

decades. You really have nothing to worry about," Heero said finally.

"I don't want to be the old spinster," Relena muttered. " Did you know there

was talk of me marrying one of the members, just to keep my name in

politics. How ridiculous! They even asked me about it yesterday. It's

absurd."

Absurd was exactly what it was. Why should she want to marry someone without

love? There was a man in front of her, maybe he didn't show his feelings or

talk a whole lot, but deep within her she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt

that she would marry him in an instant if the opportunity came. The though

of Heero asking her to marry him was.almost more than her mind could fathom,

but she was not beyond fantasies in the quiet moments, imagining his calm

words and the question itself. Declarations of love? Possibly not, but..

that he would ask, and mean it, and want it, would be all she could ask for.

"Who asked yesterday?" he asked sharply. His hands itched to wrap themselves

around a few necks.

Someone had invaded the privacy, the sanctity of this room and hassled her.

He'd been gone for only an hour at most, preparing for her departure. They

must have snuck in then. Perhaps they feared him more than he thought. The

only problem was he couldn't be by her constantly, and no matter how long he

was gone someone bothered. There had to be a way to keep her safe from

that.

She never answered his question, only gave him a quick shrug of her

shoulders. "I swear, between you and Milliardo, I feel like I have two big

brothers." Relena looked down at her lap. "He called while you were gone."

"Really?" the word slipped out as he processed the barb of being called an

"older brother."

"Yes. He and Miss Noin are well, but still not together. Seems they hardly

see each other."" She toyed with the edge of the blanket. "I don't

understand it. I know Miss Noin loves my brother, and he cares for her

deeply, but."

"Everyone has their own time."

It shocked her to hear the words coming from Heero Yuy's lips, but she did

her best to hide it. "I suppose you're right. He was very upset with me,

getting sick, and not letting him know right away." Taking a deep breath,

she continued, "I didn't want to worry him. I want to make him proud of me."

"You make Zechs proud just by being alive," he said in an oddly

introspective moment.

"But I didn't do anything to earn that pride," she said half fiercely.

Milliardo was her only living relative. She wished she knew him better,

could talk with him about their parents. Sometimes he seemed so wise, so

ancient, so lucky to have known them. Of course she'd grown up loving

different people as her parents, but still it didn't quiet the little wish

that she could have known her birth parents. They must have loved each

other, and their children very much, or Milliardo would not have had such a

fierce loyalty to the Sanc Kingdom. She knew without a doubt she loved her

brother, and knew she always would. He was her brother...and someday she

hoped also her friend.

"Some things you don't earn, they are freely given."

Heero looked away first, as her eyes sought to find the meaning in his

words. He had no answers for her, it was just simply something he knew. Who

truly understood deeper emotions anyway? Pride? Love? There were so many

levels, and so many reasons. They changed so much from person to person.

Zechs was proud of her. Relena was his little sister, who had been given the

opportunity to pull herself from the ruin of their country, and into helping

the entire earth sphere. Relena had succeeded where others had failed. It

was hard for him to imagine Zechs losing any of that pride if she were to

relinquish her position. They had both given much, he had listened to the

stories Relena had told him, and had researched for days to learn all that

he could. If Zechs did not feel that Relena had earned the right to do with

her life as she wished, then he should. Heero himself felt she deserved that

right. The niggling of guilt that kept telling him that he was forcing her

hand was pushed away. She couldn't do what she wanted if she were dead,

after all. And they had seen just how much she would listen to the people

concerned for her. Short of tying her down to keep her from working...she

didn't. It was admirable. It was insanity.

If she could not return to the people in her capacity as foreign minister,

she would still be a very powerful force standing behind a husband; the

ultimate, influential trophy wife. And the thing that amazed him was that

they expected her to just give up and play second fiddle. She was the star,

and the director of the whole orchestra. The one you felt blessed if you

could exchange just a few words with. It amazed him still that he talked to

her every day. From the day he had returned, months after the Mariemaia

incident, he had stood guard next to her. Protecting her from all but

herself.

"I don't know why I fear becoming an old maid," she mused, "Or of seeing the

happiness of those around me, but not quite attaining it for myself. The

thought of marriage hasn't been one to enter in all that often, but with

this happening it is more than ever. I know nothing but politics. If you

asked me at this very moment what else I would like to do with my life, I

couldn't begin to tell you. I've been...too afraid to think. So maybe my

illness was a blessing in disguise. Since I can't keep on as I have, I'll

now have to think on something new. The people can get along without me now.

I feel as if they're my children, and suddenly I'm sending them off by

themselves. But that must sound as if I have an exaggerated opinion of

myself."

"It is a truth that can't be exaggerated," Heero said leaving no question.

Funny he should speak of such a truth. Relena's heart sighed in some state

of bliss just to look at him. He had looked away again, showing his face in

profile. The concentrating brow, the strong nose, the nearly pouting lips,

the stubborn chin. There was no doubt he was handsome almost to the point

of being beautiful. Long, sturdy, slender fingers gripped the chair in

front of him, just one more example of his physical strength. It had long

since passed when his looks affected her feelings. Oh, of course her heart

beat faster at the sight of him, but there was something else, something

more lasting. The sound of his voice, the knowledge of the goodness inside

him, all that he had done. She had fallen in love with him, with the

soldier, the boy, the man, all that he was.

She smiled softly at him, understanding him as she always could.

"I have to let them go, don't I? Just as they must let me go. I've done all

I can for them."

"A mother is always there for her children, even when she cannot be seen.

They will be stronger for that."

"Thank you, Heero. You have so much faith in me. I just hope I can continue

living up to your expectations."

He shook his head, pushing away her words.

"If you only concentrate living up to your own expectations you'll be

happier. My expectations should be the least of your thoughts."

"Your opinion matters to me, Heero. It always has," she paused, considering

her next words. "What do you want from your life?"

"What?" Heero's head snapped up, their eyes meeting. Where had that

question come from? Of course she was worried about what was happening in

her own life, but why should she care about what he wanted from his life?

"Are you happy with your life?" she asked, tucking her hair behind her ear.

Her eyes were so soft, but yet so focused. "Do you want more? A home,

family?"

"I hardly know the meaning of family or home. I have nothing to build on."

And no one to show me the meaning, he thought, or to help me understand.

Relena taught the people and the soldiers to love peace...maybe she could

show him all these things, these human things he knew so little of. They

were so alike in that respect, and it occurred to him that she knew it. The

sense of having no direction, it was in her eyes. He knew nothing of family

and home, and Relena nothing but work and diplomacy. He a soldier, she a

princess, both torn from their places and thrown together in a puzzle that

to his mind was just taking shape.

***