There are some potentially risqué limes scattered throughout this one.

Desires of the Heart

Chapter 15

By Zapenstap

Relena opened her eyes to the morning sunlight and the smell of breakfast as if dragged to wakefulness from the depths of the ocean. She felt heavy and sweaty and full of sleep, and as she was not usually one to sleep so deeply, she was momentarily confused. Then, remembering what she had been dreaming about, a full body flush crept over her until all her confusion and stiffness and heaviness was swept clean away. Instinctively, she buried her head in her pillow and wondered if it was becoming to try and recapture that kind of dream.

She smiled into the linens, glad that she was alone in her thoughts. In her dream, she had Heero had been running all over the world trying to be alone, and every time they found some space together he would start to divest her of her clothing, kissing and touching her until something would interrupt them so that they had to relocate. Sometimes, while running from place to place, Heero would tell her he loved her, which only increased her passion to hurry along what they were trying to do, and a few times, she vaguely remembered him even asking her to marry him. Once they were alone, she would urge him to hurry up, telling him not to stop, telling him she really needed him now. And then he kissed her, first on the mouth, then on the stomach, and gradually he descended further and further down her body until she was almost certain he was going to take their physical relationship to a new and almost shocking level of intimacy. And, almost to her surprise, she begged him to, still telling him that she needed him, but always before anything came of it they would again be interrupted or delayed or something would happen again that would ruin the culmination of the act. After a few of these frustrating scenarios, dream-Relena decided that it might be better to work on him first, as if the order of things was the problem, but her hands couldn't seem to get his belt to come undone, and before she figured out the problem, she woke up.

She found herself in the morning to be sexually frustrated and couldn't help thinking if what she dreamed about corresponded at all with what she wanted in reality. Last night she had told Heero that in one month she would be willing to commit her body to him completely, but that left a whole month in between now and then of blank space that they would have to fill up with other things. Sleeping in his bed and all that they had been doing was fine, but as her dream specified, there were other things they could do. But would she feel right doing them? The way Heero had looked at her in her dream and the way he had seemed to want and need her so desperately sent shivers across her skin. The way she had felt in the dream was even more persuasive, but just thinking about it made her feel uncomfortable, almost dirty or wanton, and she couldn't imagine how to go about fulfilling her fantasy in any constructive, respectful way. But then, maybe all of that was just the influence of this house.

Well, it wasn't a decision she had to make right now.

Sitting up, Relena swung her legs off the side of the bed and got up, her bare feet sinking softly into the plush carpet. She showered and dressed quickly, unable to stop thinking of Heero for even a moment, and when she was presentable, she walked gracefully down the stairs to where her mother was pouring herself a cup of morning tea at the breakfast table.

"Ah, there you are, Relena," she said when Relena joined her.

"Is Heero not awake yet?" Relena murmured, pouring herself a cup of tea and stirring in her usual dosage of sugar.

"Well, I haven’t seen him," Mrs. Darilan replied. "But it's just as well that we can talk without him for a little while."

Relena felt immediately cold, feeling an insinuation in this statement of her mother's.

"Relena," Mrs. Darilan began, wasting no time as she buttered a slice of sweetbread. "I know you like this boy a great deal and you've known him for quite some time, but…and forgive me for asking, but you aren't sharing his bed, are you?"

Relena felt the question coming before it was asked and despite knowing it was coming, she still felt her ears heating and knew they must be as pink as her face.

"Sometimes when I've tried to reach you at home you're not there, and you've told me it's not work keeping you out late, so I can't help but wonder where you are."

Her tea tasted stale, but she smiled at her mother. "How late did you call?"

"Well, I've tried not to call past eleven, but I've called in the mornings before too."

Relena continued to smile, sipping her tea and concentrating on tasting the sugar. "I'm not sleeping with Heero, mother," she said as delicately as she could manage after a moment. She didn't dare to explain that she was planning on it or hint at what they had short of it. She couldn't believe that she was being even this dishonest. She might as well stick close to the truth for the sake of her conscience. "I have been out late with him. And I've stayed over at his house a few times, for convenience sake, but we aren't sleeping together."

She wasn't entirely sure her mother was deceived. She knew her mother's expectations of her daughter were very high, and that she had always taken Relena at her word before, and nor had Relena precisely lied to her, but how far her mother was going to believe in her daughter's absolute virtue was questionable. Mrs. Darilan was from a very respectable stock and Relena was of that same breed; she might be inclined to remain oblivious.

"He seems to be a very intense young man," Mrs. Darilan continued, and Relena was relieved that the previous line of conversation had been dropped, though this next one wasn't a great deal better. "Very striking in appearance. Startling eyes. Your father was also very intense, you know, especially in his youth. He was involved in politics when he was not much older than you are, and used to organize peaceful protests and political campaigns at his university if you can believe that. It doesn't surprise me that you favor Heero for the same reasons I did your father. I know he's not of socially high birth, but he's seems to be very courteous and well mannered, if a little awkward."

"Yes," Relena said, slightly surprised that her mother had perceived so much, and pleased that she seemed to approve.

"He's a soldier from the war, correct, the same famous gundam pilot I've heard you talk about for years?"

Relena flushed. "Yes. The same."

Her mother nodded. "Well, just don't get carried away in a fantasy that he's a knight in shining armor come to sweep you off your feet. Love takes patience and time and allowance for faults. This young man, however much you esteem him, isn't perfect."

"I know," Relena said, a little irritated by this lecture, but assuaged by her mother's care and concern for her. She knew Heero wasn't really perfect, even if she had always thought of him as some kind of lost prince. She knew his life was difficult, especially his past, and that the war was not filled with memories of his valiance for him. He had been scarcely a child and she had feared and worried and cried for him even though he didn't need or ask for it. Whatever her mother said, she did esteem him greatly, because what he had been able to do and to become was nothing short of miraculous.

"Your father and I had known one another a long time before we came to love each other, Relena," he mother added, "and we loved each other a long time before we were able to be together. I never doubted his intentions because your father was always very clear when he knew what he wanted."

Relena smiled to herself, though she did not comment. It sounded like something Heero would do.

As if her thoughts had been a summons, he appeared suddenly, seating himself at the table as soon as he was beckoned to join. The conversation immediately switched gears, but Relena talked with only half a mind on what she was saying. She spent the rest of the time admiring Heero from where he sat by the window, the light streaming through casting a glow around his body and playing warmly on his features. His face was straight when he talked, everything about his demeanor being relaxed and intense at the same time. He did everything gracefully and with an air of exactness, shaking the salt, drinking water from a glass, cutting his food in exact proportions so that every bite was the same size and shape. Relena smiled, smothering a fond laugh. No, Heero wasn't perfect, but he sure tried to be.

After breakfast, Heero and Relena spent a good hour and a half in conversation with Relena's mother in the drawing room. Heero demonstrated commendable knowledge about political and cultural developments across the globe and had much to offer about the conditions of space now and in the past that even Mrs. Darilan didn’t know. Relena caught her mother casting her glances of approval whenever Heero said something exceptionally clever and Relena's only response was to blush and feel smug. Gradually and naturally, conversation turned to the topic of the war, and suddenly Heero's fluidity of speech faltered a bit. It was clear that Mrs. Darilan's knowledge of the war, though educated and intelligent, was from the standpoint of someone who watched most of it from a distance. It had affected her profoundly with the loss of a husband and a change in relationship with her daughter, but her knowledge of the battling itself wasn't something she and Heero seemed to be able to talk about. Relena noticed Heero beginning to drift inward, noting with a concern the shadows forming under his eyes as he lowered his head and lost touch with the conversation. Glancing at the time, she suggested a walk around the grounds before their plane flight back home, to which her mother consented.

Rising from his chair, Heero followed Relena outside, away from other people and the house and back to the veranda where Relena had made her proposal the night before. Once they were alone, she took his hand, saying nothing, and was surprised when he stepped in to enfold her in an embrace. Her emotions choked up the words in her throat, energy draining out of her body as she lifted her arms around his neck and shoulders and clung to him. He didn't say anything. He merely buried his face in her hair, arms wrapped around her waist, breathing quietly.

"Heero," she whispered. "What are you thinking? How do you feel?"

He stepped back from her, looking her in the face, and brushed a hand across her cheek. "Nothing. They're just memories."

He held onto her hand and she realized suddenly that he wasn't ever going to tell her how he felt. He might never tell her about those times. They were in the past and he was trying to forget them. Compassion motivated her to touch his face, and he closed his eyes when as if her fingers had been a trigger, seeming to sway on his feet in her presence. Looking at him, the words "I love you" hovered on her lips, but she didn't say them. For some reason, her heart was easy without them being said. She knew how she felt. She wondered if he might not just feel the same. And just like that, she accepted Heero's silence. She told herself she wasn't going to force or require him to say anything to her. It didn't seem necessary anymore.

"Heero," she said softly. "I'm always going to be here. For you. If you want me to be."

He opened his eyes, revealing such a deep and unusual color that her heart caught, missing a beat because something so beautiful and full of soul was focused on her. Without a word, he leaned in and kissed her, and the world stopped turning when he did, time freezing so that she couldn't remember the contact, it seemed so brief. When he pulled away, she found herself left in longing, hands touching his chest, playing with the buttons of his shirt. He caught her hand in his, bowing his head over it and took a deep, steadying breath. "I want to get you home," he told her. She swallowed and took his hand in hers. They continued the rest of their walk around the ground mostly in silence and longing gazes.

Relena's mother greeted them when they returned to the house and they ate lunch outside on the patio. Heero smiled and held Relena's hand under the table, sipping lemonade as he listened to mother and daughter talk. After lunch they packed up their things and Relena changed her clothes. She elected to wear a skirt and sandals because of the nice weather and a sweater for the cold. When she came back downstairs with her little suitcase, she caught Heero in the foyer, eyeing her bare legs furtively, though the look in his eye was unmistakable.

Relena's mother didn't notice. She hugged Relena warmly at the doorway, wished her and Heero a safe trip, and watched them leave together. Relena wondered what she was thinking as she walked close to Heero, but was careful not to touch him. The driver opened the door and to the limousine and she slid inside, Heero following close behind her. As she glanced back at the house, it seemed her mother had already retreated back inside, and as they drove away, Relena had the strange sensation that she was leaving this place behind her.

As soon as she and Heero had settled themselves in the backseat, she realized that the shield was drawn between the passengers and the driver. Heero appeared to already have noticed and leaned over her as soon as the limousine started to roll forward, brushing her hair away from her face, grasping her head and kissing her in a different way than he had done on the veranda. His tongue entered her mouth as he pushed her down at an angle beneath him, and she focused on staying quiet as one of his hands slipped under the hem of her skirt, feeling up her bare thigh and sliding between her legs.

"I don't know if we have the time," she whispered as quietly as she could.

"It's okay," he countered in an assuring, focused tone. "I just want to touch you."

Her underwear was pushed aside and she fought down an exclamation of surprise as and one of his fingers pushed inside her. She clutched his back, her mouth biting down lightly on his shoulder and adjusted her hips to ease the invasion. He began kissing her again and as her body reeled, she realized that this venture had a purpose when a second finger joined the first and she found it suddenly and sharply painful.

"Ow," she said with a wince, though the pain was not great. He eased up a bit but didn't stop, and she didn't ask him to. She understood what was on his mind now, other than wanting to explore her. She was a virgin and she was tight and he was trying to get a feel for just how tight, trying to loosen her a bit if he could while satisfying his curiosity. He was thinking about that one month, had probably been obsessing over it since she revealed her inclination, all on top of missing her from the several days they had been apart. Though a little uncomfortable, what he was doing was still arousing her desire, perhaps because of the situation or his skill or her need. She wished there was more time to satisfy each other; she could tell from the way he was breathing how much he wanted to be satisfied.

"Are you okay?" he asked her. It still hurt, but she was starting to get used to it and she nodded, closing her eyes. He kissed her again, hungrily plundering her mouth, and as he continued to kiss her she gradually stopped feeling any pain. How much more painful would intercourse be? If it was like this she wasn't too worried, but she suspected it would be a little more intense.

He withdrew his hand from her and murmured into her ear. "I really want you."

"Not in the backseat of a car," she said with a little laugh, and smiled at him because she knew he didn’t mean right now. He blinked heavy-lidded prussian blue eyes and with a little more seriousness she touched his face, tracing a line from his temple to his chin. "I want it to be special," she reminded him in almost a teasing tone, though she was serious and knew that they both knew it. Not meeting her eyes, he let out something like a groan and fell forward across her body so that his face was buried in her chest, almost like a child collapsing into his mother's arms. She was surprised by his closeness, but she smiled and threaded a hand through his hair, massaged his head languidly, and held him close to her. It was going to be a long plane flight, and a much longer four weeks, but as she rubbed Heero's head, she felt him relax against her and her heart beat strangely. Who would have dreamed that he could ever be so comfortable with her, so trusting as this? When had this come about?

"I know," he said after a moment, and because he was replying to her previous statement, she knew that he hadn't been that serious about his, though perhaps he had been truthful. "Are you going to come over tonight?"

"I'm going to come over," she promised, and caressed the back of his neck.

When the driver let out what he thought was a very sophisticated couple engaged only in conversation out of the backseat, Relena couldn't help but cast coy glances at Heero when he wasn't looking. During the plane ride she began to think about how things were progressing, amazed at how light and happy she felt, and how comfortable she and Heero were with each other. She wanted their night in a month to be special, but she didn't want to be afraid of any more than she had to be. And perhaps a month was a long time to wait. Maybe what she had dreamed about was what her body and mind were telling her she was ready for. Except that she was far too embarrassed to ask.

When Heero asked her if she was feeling all right, probably because she must look flushed, she wouldn't answer him.

*****

Relena came over the night after their return from her mother's as she had promised, and Heero decided to present her with a rose he had bought at the store after dropping her off at home to unpack and change. He had thought about lighting candles and setting a mood, but he discovered he didn't own any, so all he ended up doing was making dinner. She said she wanted their night together in a month to be special so he decided he would save all of his ideas for that.

Heero couldn't keep his thoughts focused on anything other than Relena. She danced circles in his head and all he thought about was catching her and doing with her things that would please them both. He no longer tried to chase such thoughts out. She wanted him also and he had never been wanted before, certainly not in this fashion; the very idea made him feel strangely electrified and aggressive. So there was no longer any reason to worry. He only had to control his longings for a month, and then he could simply enjoy it, enjoy her, hopefully to both of their satisfaction. But he was willing to wait. He would do anything she asked.

When she came to his door and saw the rose, she smiled beatifically, showing all her teeth in a display that lit up her whole face, and her happiness had strange effects on him. He was rarely around people who were happy, and never had he been around anyone whom he made happy. Her joy was like a soothing balm on an aching wound. It was for her smiles that he enjoyed her company so thoroughly, because her happiness made him feel something too, something good that burned deep under his skin, though he wasn't sure what to call it.

He handed the rose to her immediately, but he didn't give her much time to admire it before he pulled her into his embrace. Her body so close to his felt wonderful. In all the years he had been alive, he hadn't realized how wonderful it could be to hold someone. He couldn't believe how easy it was so suddenly, and how much he enjoyed it, having lacked that kind of closeness for most of his life. It wasn't just her softness and the sexual way he felt about her, though that was and had been a motivation, but there was something else to it, a need for human contact and affection that overwhelmed him so surprisingly that he had no idea where it came from. But as long as he found it in her, he didn't care.

Throughout dinner they talked, but their speech faltered under the stares they directed at once another, and they ate normally, but their eyes kept darting, and every once in awhile one of them would slip in some kind of innuendo into the conversation. By the time dinner was over, he was raging to get her undressed.

After dinner he coaxed her into his bedroom without difficulty, desperate to touch her sleek skin, to see her naked and beautiful in the half-darkness of his room. He enjoyed taking her clothes off, peeling the layers away before they even laid down, aroused further by her standing unclothed before him, advancing in on him, the soft brushes of her hands on his skin sending shivers throughout his body. He ended up on the bed first, watching her crawl toward him, and had to restrain himself from grabbing her. She tried to lie down, but in a flash of curiosity, he caught her arm and forced her on top. He noted her surprise, but the sight of her was too nice a thing to give up. She straddled him and they began to explore and touch each other. Her breasts in front of his eyes were distracting, round and soft, yielding to his touch, but the things she was doing to him felt so incredible it was difficult to concentrate on much else. Her hands were like magic instruments and he allowed himself to enjoy the sensations, relaxing as well as he was able under her ministrations. He told her it was good. He had never known his body could feel this way. He would never have guessed that his sexuality would be this strong under the humanity he had buried long ago, but he was glad to have discovered it. Seeking to please her too, he repeated on her what he had begun in the car, only rubbing her in the spot he knew would drive her to a climax as well. She whimpered and he sweated and they both fell on their sides, stroking and kissing and whispering to each other in a frenzy of touches and sound until they both came.

When it was over, he kissed her shoulders, taking deep breaths in the calm following the rush. His release from the tension he had felt for three days brought him immense relief. Relena rolled onto her stomach, elbows tucked close to her, breathing into his pillow. He sat up on one arm so that he could stroke her body from her neck to the small of her back, loving how smooth and soft and beautiful she felt under his hands, amazed still that he could touch her like this. He tried to restrain his desire to feel more of her, to enter into her completely and feel her wrapped around him. What would intercourse feel like exactly? He had a rough idea, but it wasn't the same as experiencing it. He would need to study how to make her happy too. It was most important to him that she was happy.

She turned her head so that he could see her face and smiled at him. "I'm sorry for making you wait."

"It's okay," he said, surprised that he was still so winded, like he had just fought a battle or run a mile. "Whatever you want to do."

She sat up, curling her legs and pressing her hands into the mattress, her golden hair spilling over her arm and chest, tousled and messy and beautiful. He touched it gingerly, the fine strands like threads of silk caught on his fingers. Her breasts were visible in places through that wave of hair and they were fascinating even when he was no longer aroused. But it was still early in the evening. Maybe they could do this twice.

But there was a look on Relena's face now that bothered him. It had come suddenly, her smile disappearing when her eyebrows knitted and her eyes looked downward. She looked pensive, almost hurt, and he reached out to touch her gently, wondering what happened to her smile.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "Did I hurt you?"

"No. I'm fine. It felt good…" She blushed and he smiled. "I just…" Her hands fell uselessly on the mattress. "Heero, do you…?" She bit her lip, not daring to meet his eye. "How do you feel about me?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean…" He waited while she thought, watching her expression as her eyes looked downward and then met his suddenly. "Am I special to you?"

"Yeah," he told her simply and straightly, but it was true. "You are special. Were you worried about that? Relena, what you mean to me…"

"No," she said hurriedly. "I'm sorry. It's just that I've just been having dreams. And with all that we've been doing, my fantasies keep getting more…" She blushed again.

His pulse quickened. She had fantasies about him? He leaned in to kiss her, breathing warm air onto her neck as he did so, touching her face softly so that she closed her eyes and swallowed. He wondered if her fantasies were like his, but it became irrelevant when she shivered and whispered his name so seductively that his head clouded. Whatever hesitation he might have felt vanished in the light of that appeal, because all at once it was like she was asking him to do a job, and he really wanted to accomplish the mission.

"You have dreams about me?" he murmured, his voice dropping slightly. He kissed her shoulders and then her neck, running his hands lightly over her breasts and stomach. Her stomach rippled under his touch, a little spasm of sensitivity that brought a smile to his face. He could tell it was not all physical, that she was thinking about what she wanted him to do even if she couldn’t say it. He hoped they had the same idea. Her chin was tilted up, her eyes closed, hair streaming down her back. "Lay back," he told her.

She obeyed, swallowing, and her eyes opened a little as he lay half across her body.

"Is it like this?" he whispered, and kissed her stomach. "Do I do this in your fantasy?"

"Yes," she said, and there was such a strain in her voice that it made him feel feverish.

He brushed his hands along her thighs and they opened. "Do I do this?"

She gasped and nodded and he didn't need any more direction. Things looked different from this angle, but the allure was impossible to ignore. He didn't want to make her nervous so he just went for it. He figured it out by his own exploration and confirmed what was best by her reaction. He found it difficult to keep it up, but he became aroused again in the process, and when it was finished it was worth it. Her body shook like a leaf, tensing up like a coiled spring, and she cried his name before relaxing all at once. It sent a wave of euphoria through him and he kissed her stomach feverishly, crawling on top of her just to feel her heat, once again needing her touch. He waited for her to calm down, but after a few moments of heavy breathing, she struggled out from under him and caught his eyes, the flash of sky blue communicating her thoughts before she slipped off the bed and down to the floor. He blinked and sat up, swinging his own legs over the edge, but she caught him before he could get up, easing him where he was, and then he understood that she was going to return the favor. He couldn't have refused even if he had wanted to. He had fantasized about this too and by the time she got started he could hardly think coherently enough to warn her when he was close. He remembered saying her name more than once and telling her when he was going to come, and then he didn't care about anything for a few moments.

When his orgasm receded, he opened his eyes to find Relena beside him on the bed, kneeling next to him with her dainty feet tucked underneath her, running her hands through his hair. He heaved in a deep breath and wrapped his arms about her, toppling them both back on the bed. He kissed and clung to her and for the first time in his life he began to feel that he wasn't alone, that there were blessings in store for him in this life as well as for other people.

"Relena," he began, and then didn’t know what else to say.

TBC

A/N: Well, I think this is certainly the most risque thing I've written in a long time. *wince* I try to curb it down b/c it makes me uncomfortable, but I feel I need to keep the specifics for the story. Eesh. What a mess. Anyway, I hope it was enjoyable. If it wasn't, if it was offensive or gross or in any way "too much" please let me know.

PS: I think I'll be summarizing the "month" so the full lemon/lime (it's really not that exciting) is scheduled to be in the next chapter. It will follow the same tenor as this one and all the previous chapters, so "specifics" with as few details as I can manage. Thanks for reading!