Warning: This is supposed to be a bit of a shocker
Last Goodbye
Chapter 3
By Zapenstap
Heero sat on a barstool in a cozy café in the late morning, his coat hanging loosely on his shoulders even though it was a hot day. His cup of coffee sat untouched by his right hand and he stared more or less at nothing, though people shied away because his eyes, sharp and observant, seemed to penetrate through everything. They actually penetrated inward this morning, sifting through the memories and emotions he could neither escape nor bury.
He tried to study them objectively.
The images were of Relena’s bare skin as he held her under the blankets, cool and smooth and pale, pure like her heart, with his darkened cheek against her shoulders as she slept. He had stared into the cool darkness with his arms around that woman for so long he had lost all his thoughts, content to breathe in the scent of her soul and just rest.
He knew even before she told him it was okay that it should not have happened at all, but the opportunity had been too much and he had given in with a willingness that surprised him only after the glow following the act had faded. The problem was that he knew he could not take care of her, even if he cared. He had meant to slip away quietly as soon as she had dropped off, but the comfort of their spent bodies touching so intimately had somehow lulled him asleep too. It was a miracle he had awoken in the early morning hours and had been able to steal away in the darkness. He had dressed in absolute silence, prowling in the dark of the room like a cat, terrified she would wake and he would be confronted with those eyes of hers shining in the night. The moonlight streaming through the window cast silver streams on her body and he had lingered in the doorway watching her sleep without him. It had been hard to leave her like that, tucked under the sheets with his scent all over her. He had wanted so much to stay.
He couldn’t get his mind off of her.
In the café, weeks after that night, he took a sip of his coffee and was only mildly surprised to find that it had gotten cold. There had been two other girls since, one he had had before and lain with again the night following his night with Relena to get his mind off her, and another he had somehow fallen in with last night. He didn’t know the second girl’s name. She thought he was attractive and she looked nothing like Relena; that was enough for him. The first girl, the one he had now been with twice, looked almost exactly like Relena, enough that he could almost pretend, but though he had stayed the night with her it was simply not the same and he told her so in the morning. The girl merely muttered that he was her weirdest lover and went back to sleep. He didn’t plan on seeing her again. He felt filthy thinking about this confused and lonely aspect of his life, yet he accepted it without reservation. At the time, he had thought he needed it for purely fundamental reasons. He liked the way he felt when a girl touched him. He had grown used to the intimacy of sex, but only with Relena had it meant something.
Lifting his head, he stared out across the room.
I could go back…he
evaluated deliberately. I could find her and…but no.
He should have stuck with what he understood.
Death was what he had wanted all his life, the peace that came with the end. He wanted to stop breathing, to stop thinking, to stop feeling. He had never feared death, not even a painful death. All through the war he had expected it to swoop down upon him and end it all, to stare it in the face, but somehow he had survived. Somehow, he must have wanted to. He must have changed. When the war ended, Relena was the only thing he really recognized.
He took another swallow of his cold coffee mechanically, surprised that his emotions were so mild. He had considered this from every angle as objectively as possible. If he couldn’t have her, at least he was not emotional about it. And that bothered him. His humanity was not intact. Some part of his humanity had been destroyed forever in his rearing. He was not conditioned to love properly. He had been honed only for killing.
Something caught his eye as his gaze drifted up from his coffee until a face met his through the window of the café. Out on the street, a man in a biker’s black leather jacket did a double-take, amazement flashing through his large eyes. Without a moment’s hesitation, the man walked past the window and came in through the door.
Heero turned, becoming aware of the conversation of other people in the room and life in general suddenly, the sound of quiet conversations and the clinking of salt shakers, plates, silverware and glasses muting his thoughts of Relena. Like in real life, she retreated and waited patiently for him to return to her, watching him from somewhere in the back of his head. He ignored the princess as best he could and focused on the slightly bizarre image of Duo Maxwell crossing the wooden floors in heavy black boots, dark denim jeans and a black leather coat, his braid hanging over his right shoulder and longer than ever. How long had it been since he had seen any of the other pilots?
“Well, if it isn’t Heero Yuy,” Duo said with a careless grin, accenting words in the wrong places as if meaning to draw attention to himself in that too-conspicuous way. “If that is still what you go by.”
Heero shrugged and turned on his stool, his own feet slipping to the floor as Duo gestured to a table in the dining area, quaint menus laid out for real customers. “Where did you come from?” he said in a dark voice, barely registering interest, much less emotion, as he followed the other ex-pilot and sat down at the table.
Duo sat heavily across from him and sighed, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Still pretty hostile, aren’t you? Thinking everybody with interest in you is the enemy. I don’t know why I’m surprised.” He shook his head with a rueful smile. “I’ve been doing business back and forth between Earth and Space. I’m in town here because Relena Peacecraft is making a speech about trade embargos and I’ve an interest in that. I thought I might say hello too. I didn’t expect to run into you, though if she’s around I guess that shouldn’t surprise me either. You know, I haven’t seen you since the end of the war. How have you been? Doing anything interesting?”
Heero sat across from Duo and felt only odd. “No,” he said, crossing his arms as well. Time had gone by, but Duo pretended like it hadn’t, like they were old friends running into one another after in almost an expected fashion. Heero had never had any friends, but he smiled ruefully. He grudgingly considered Duo a comrade now, and was even glad to see him, though he resented this forced idea of friendship. Friendship was something Duo had always wanted, not him. For a time he had thought Duo pursued his company for his sake, because he thought that Duo, like so many other people, thought that Heero Yuy needed company. Eventually he realized that Duo was the one who was lonely enough to try and be friends with someone like him. But had it worked? “Nothing interesting,” he said.
“I’ve heard some random rumors about you,” Duo said thoughtfully, and to Heero’s surprise he took a cigarette out of his jacket pocket and a lighter from the same source. “Is it true you sleep around with girls you meet at hangouts and stuff now?” With a practiced gesture, he put the cigarette into his mouth and poised to light it with two fingers, lifting his eyes to look at Heero over it.
“I think this is a no smoking section,” Heero said.
Duo blinked at him and put both cigarette and lighter away, stretching his shoulders and tossing his braid behind his back. He grinned. “You’re probably right.” He scratched his head and looked embarrassed. “I forget sometimes.”
Heero wanted to ask when Duo had started smoking, but he didn’t. He only sat silently as the ex-pilot of the Deathscythe removed his coat and hung it over the back of his chair. Heero noticed that the other pilot still wore a priest’s collar around his throat and silver crucifix hung around his neck on a silver chain, a little figure of Jesus crucified to the cross. Not surprising really, considering what he had uncovered about the source of Duo’s name, a survivor of the Maxwell Church Massacre.
“Well?” Duo said, pertaining to his original inquiry. When Heero didn’t immediately answer such a personal question, Duo grinned. “Ah, come on, Heero. I don’t really mean to pry into your private life, but it just kind of shocked me. Besides, we’re both adults now. It’s not like it’s that…”
“I’m not the only one who’s having difficulty adjusting,” Heero said flatly, but to soften his response, he added, “Some of it is true, but I don’t know what you’ve heard.”
Duo’s grin fell away. Apparently, he had not really believed the rumors. Perceiving Heero’s seriousness, he just shook his head, elbows on the table. “Wow.” His big blue eyes were hard to read, but Heero almost sensed something like pity, which aggravated him. Duo didn’t break eye contact with him either. “I understand the urge, so I guess it’s not so hard to believe, it’s just you… You meet these girls in one night and…?” Heero’s blank stare seemed to be answer enough. Duo raised his eyebrows and shook his head wonderingly. “Man, I guess I just always thought you had a thing for Relena. Quatre seemed so sure.”
Heero dropped his eyes, his fingers clenching tightly over the flat of the tabletop. Duo was a damned liar for saying that he didn’t mean to pry. With the reminder all he could think of was the flash of Relena’s eyes, the beautiful blue depths that drowned him deep under oceans and suffocated him in the sky. He had been hoping for a distraction, not to share.
“Didn’t you love her once?” Duo asked and Heero stiffened. “I always thought you at least cared about her, deep down anyway. It’s kind of hard to tell with you, but you’re both so weird that after awhile I sorta thought it clicked. I don’t know.”
“I don’t really want to talk about it.” Memories drug him down deep. His lips on her skin, kissing down her neck with his body between her legs and her arms wrapped around his back in the dark blue quiet of her room. He shook his head to clear away the memories, scattering them like clouds. The vision of her eyes lingered, two blue pools staring up at him, sweet when he had met her, frightened when he threatened to kill her, knowing when he got to know her, wise and independent, determined and brave and beautiful, and then, ah, filled with pleasure because of him, filled with quiet ecstasy as he held her body and made love to her. “Do we have to talk about Relena?” he said a little hoarsely.
Duo blinked. “I guess we don’t have to. Have you seen her since the end, though?”
“Yeah, I’ve seen her.”
Duo flung one arm over the back of his chair and chuckled, smiling as he looked at Heero in an alarming fashion. “Man, you still look like you’re in love with her.” Heero swallowed, tensing. “You have that same look on your face, like you’re somewhere else whenever she’s mentioned. What are you thinking about?”
His response cut in like a knife before Duo shut his mouth. “The night I slept with her,” Heero said flatly. “I told you I don’t want to talk about it.”
Duo kept grinning until the words sank in. In an instant Duo’s smile vanished in a look of shock. A moment later his face had gone completely blank. He just sat, unmoving for several minutes, and Heero said nothing. They stared at one another in silence. “Geez,” Duo muttered at last, seemingly confounded, not breaking his gaze. “You’re serious aren’t you? I can’t believe…You slept with the minister, the crazy girl who chased you all over the universe? I can’t imagine…except with you it kind of makes sense. Relena. Wow. I don’t believe it. When? I mean how?” He winced, “I mean, ugh, don’t tell me how, but did you really….?”
“Yeah,” Heero said curtly. “It happened a couple of weeks ago in her bedroom at the Peacecraft manor.”
Duo rubbed his eyes, not speaking for several moments. “With Zechs probably in the next room, huh? You know what, don’t answer that.” The he suddenly laughed and clapped Heero on the shoulder. “Come on, you look a little sick, buddy. It couldn’t have been that bad. So you two are actually together then? Finally?”
Heero didn’t say anything.
Duo looked at him with more consternation, eyebrows knit together. “You love her, don’t you? I don’t think you would have done that to Relena if you didn’t. Unless…” His eyes widened. “Jesus, did you walk out on her?”
“It’s not as simple as it seems,” Heero said darkly. Duo’s mouth dropped open. “I can’t love her,” he added.
Duo’s eyes were wide. “You had sex with the girl you’ve been obsessing about for years, one who loves you, and then walked away?” When Heero didn’t reply, he looked almost angry. “Have you even spoken to her since?” The answer seemed obvious and Duo leaned forward suddenly, seething. “She is in love with you, you know. Everybody knows that! Why did you go? Why don’t you just…stick around and be her boyfriend? Hell, why don’t you marry her and raise a couple of kiddies? She’s not such a bad girl. She’s even very pretty. I kinda like her myself now that I know her better, and I really don’t think there’s anyone more perfect for you.” He rubbed his head. “No? Does she realize how badly you’ve treated her? Probably doesn’t. She probably forgives you on principle.” He became quiet as Heero wasn’t going to answer or admit guilt. Slowly, he seemed to accept it, though he didn’t seem happy about the situation. “Damn. I can’t believe you slept with her. How was it?”
“I really don’t want to talk about it, Duo.”
“If you say so. For her sake I hope she finds somebody else soon. You’re shaping up to be a real disappointment. Poor girl. Did you even say goodbye or did you just leave her hanging?”
“I left her a note.”
Duo let out something like a guffaw and rolled his eyes. “You’re really something, Heero, do you know that? Now come on, explain to me why you didn’t stay with her. You know she loves you, right?”
“She told me she did.” He hated these prying, pressured questions. He felt bad enough.
“And you love her too, right?”
Heero was quiet to that. “Why do you dress like a priest?”
Duo blinked in confusion. “What the hell are you talking about? I’m trying to have a conversation about your love life.”
“Except for the black leather and the braid, you dress like you carry a bible in your pocket and go to Church every Sunday, but I know you don’t. Just answer my question.”
Duo rolled his shoulders and sat back, looking thoughtful. “What I wear is none of your business. It’s a tribute, I guess. Only the horrors of war really kept me from…” he paused. “What does this have to do with you and Relena?”
“I don’t believe in love,” Heero said, “like I don’t believe in God. People always claim both are real until it fails them. Lots of people want there to be a God and lots of people want to fall in love, but few really have any proof of either. People just believe in things that make them feel better. I don’t mind people having hope. I think people need to believe in good things to keep living. I care about Relena. I do. I told her I loved her, but that doesn’t mean we can build a life together. The only thing I was made for is fighting. I don’t know how to do anything else. I’m trying to keep living. That’s the only thing I can do right now.”
“You don’t believe or you don’t understand?” Duo said, and Heero stiffened at so swift and so contrary a reply. “What if you’re wrong? You could be passing up on something that would actually make you happy. Don’t lie to yourself. I can look at you to see that you love her. You just need a little faith.”
“Now you sound like a religious man.”
Duo looked offended. “Don’t turn this on me, Heero. You’re dodging.” He grinned in that goofy, almost offensive way of his. “Admit that you’re just too scared, lazy or damn masochistic to give happiness a chance.”
“Are you calling me a coward?” he said darkly.
Duo’s expression dropped and he looked Heero straight in the face. “I would never call you that. Let’s just say you’re a big cop-out when it comes to anything involving other people getting close to you. If you love her…”
Sovia Noventa also
called you a coward.
His chest tightened. “It’s nice to believe in God when there aren’t any wars, isn’t it?” he said harshly. “When nobody is hurting, when there’s nothing horrible to bring reality crashing upon your head, you might think Someone out there actually cares about you. But you and I both know what life is really be and how lost we are. At least I can admit it. You cling to the tokens of a faith because people who loved you were burned down in a church that they believed in and you can’t. Why don’t you set your own affairs in order before you come blundering into my problems?”
Duo looked stricken. His face was knotted up, contorted in a hurt, pained way. Heero caught the fire in his eyes, the swift flash of painful memories dug up from an abyss by someone he wasn’t aware knew of them. “Fine,” he said thickly. “If that’s the way you want it.”
He got up with a painful scrape of the chair and threw his coat around his shoulders. Heero watched him storm outside in a fury. With an expression fixed in something like an angry grimace, Duo leaned against the wall of the shop next door, a lit cigarette in his mouth, his head sunk into the collar of his jacked and his arms crossed. He looked near tears, perhaps not for what Heero had said, but the memories it brought. Heero swallowed, imagining a church building burning, and loving people dead or dying inside. A moment later Duo threw the cigarette to the ground, stepped on it, and walked away.
Heero sat alone in the café in silence, breathing in and out, his mind a complete blank. Relena was still watching him in his mind, and her eyes were sad now, as if asking “why did you do that?” He didn’t have an answer. He already felt sorry, and worse, the only thing that made sense was that he did it to prove Duo right; he was mostly just scared. Maybe he was jealous too, jealous of Duo for having something like a family to give him something to try and believe in, jealous of Duo for wanting to have friends and wanting himself and other people to be happy.
He sat for almost two hours, staring at nothing. The television in the corner had been turned on, the sound buzzing in his ears. Dishes were clattering. The waitresses in the café and the cooks in the kitchen were giving him funny looks. But, of course, he’d been there all morning. As the minutes passed he sat completely still and it came to him suddenly that Duo was right. He should talk to Relena, to clear things up if for no other reason. He should talk to her just because he knew he wanted to see her. Duo was going to hear her speech. He could talk to her and then if he ran into Duo… At the same moment he heard Relena’s voice.
“Trade embargos between the Earth and the Colonies…”
His eyes focused as he turned his head to look at the television screen. There she was, the way he knew her always, poised and strangely beautiful, standing on a decorated stage without a podium, speaking into a microphone before thousands of people. She was dressed in a white business skirt and heeled shoes, a tapered white coat and a honey-colored blouse, her hair hanging straight down past her shoulders, that rich, wheat-colored hair that was thin and fine and clean, the hair that had gotten caught up in his fingers, clinging to his hands and lips. Her eyes stared out over the crowd without blinking, firm and resolute, blue, sharp and penetrating, inward and outward, just like his eyes. He had taught her to stare down the lions that way. She had picked it up from him.
He was on his feet and out the door before he gave it much thought. Too much thinking and his pride would keep him from going. He didn’t want to prove Duo right, but if he didn’t think too much about it, he might not care in the end. If she took him in, if he could say the things that he wanted to say…He grimaced and dashed away his thoughts. The Relena in his head was smiling at him, his conscience and his desire personified into one, and he couldn’t refuse her anymore. All he thought of was his feet on the pavement, stepping forward.
She had finished her speech long before he arrived at the location, out in the plaza near City Hall, the sun shining brightly on the lawn and reflecting off the white folded chairs set up in rows on the pavement before the stage. There were other speakers now, and occasional applause from the audience in the chairs, all which he ignored as he wandered around behind the stage and off to the side of the section squared off for the audience. Security guards eyed him suspiciously, though they did not stop him. However, when the techies hanging around the sides finally caught sight of him prowling around, a woman dressed all in black and wearing a headset waved him over.
“You’re in the way,” she said, crossing her arms. “There are enough unhappy people and suspicious characters about that I can’t let you wander around and I don’t think you work here. What do you want?” She watched the stage even as she talked to him.
“Is Relena Darilan still here?” His mouth was dry. Of course they wouldn’t expose her to just anybody. “I’m Heero Yuy.”
The woman cocked an eyebrow. “Gundam Pilot, huh? She speaks well of you.” She looked him up and down appraisingly and he tried to ignore it. “I can see why. She’s inside,” the woman said, “freshening up before her closing statement. Just go down the main hall. First door on your left.”
He left as soon as he knew where to go and entered the main complex. It was empty inside, the hallways dark and dead, the dark blue tiles of the floor reflecting the light from outside as the only light illuminating the silent dark shadows. His footsteps echoed eerily. All the personnel, of course, were outside helping with the demonstration. He walked forward deliberately and stood in front of the first door on the left. It was a ladies room, not a bathroom, probably complete with a ring-around vanity and velvet chairs. Raising a fist, he knocked, hoping she was alone.
“Who is it?
He imagined her sitting in a stool in front of a mirror and turning around, but before he could answer, or even think of what to say, the door was softly opened and he found himself face to face with Relena, and in closer proximity than he intended.
She was alone, but he hardly noticed. The familiarity of her face caught him off guard. Their eyes met instantly, only a foot apart. They stared at one another, dark blue eyes focused on light blue and the other way around, both in shock. An instant of that and it seemed the pressure was too great, for they both swallowed and flushed, looking away from the other as if torn by tremendous forces. A faint rosy hue like blush tinted Relena’s fair cheeks. She held onto the doorway with her right hand, half leaning over her arm as she avoided looking at him. He felt it too, the thing that made her afraid to look him in the face so uncharacteristically, a plunging in his gut that half drove him to the floor. There was so much boiling beneath the surface that it was hard to stand still.
“What are you doing here, Heero?” she whispered, and seemed fighting to regain her composure.
“We need to talk,” he said. “Can I come in?” He stepped in before she answered and she gave way, backing up away from him gracefully, almost fearfully. The way she retreated as he advanced seemed something confused between a fight and a dance. To give her space, he moved off to the side once he was inside, leaving her standing firmly in the middle of the room alone, watching him with her fists clenched at her sides, turning nothing but her head.
There were mirrors and velvet chairs. In other circumstances… He leaned against the counter and continued to avoid looking at her, though his heart pounded in his chest. He wanted to speak, but thoughtful silence was what he knew best, and from the way she was looking at him, it seemed like she knew what he was thinking anyway. He shivered a little, realizing that she knew him more intimately now than she ever had before, the same way he knew her. His throat felt constricted. He felt awkward.
“I didn’t think I would see you again,” she said in a hushed voice. She always spoke first. “I thought you were gone for good after…after you left.”
“It’s not what I want,” he said, and somehow failed to say more, lowering his head, hands clutching the counter on either side of his body. The feel of the counter under his hands grounded him as he leaned against it.
“After what we did,” she began, forming the words slowly. Images crashed through his head and he found himself suddenly staring at her. She took a deep breath, blushing furiously. “I sometimes wish we hadn’t, and I sometimes wished you would call or come back immediately or stay away forever. I’ve told you I loved you,” she said. “I think what happened has complicated that.” She sounded so sure, so certain, and he knew then that she had been thinking about it constantly with an agonized mind, that she was deeply hurt beneath the surface, because she loved him.
“Relena…”
“Don’t,” she said, shaking her head, and the blonde hair shimmered in the lighting. Her eyes were resolute, strong eyes, staring down lions. “You’ve told me goodbye twice. Don’t say anything now if you’re going to say that again. I can’t bear it anymore. I want you to be whole, but not at my expense.”
He pushed away from the counter and looked at her, standing straight with his arms hanging useless at his sides. His eyes focused on her hands, soft, slender and delicate, but clenched into fists. He suddenly remembered the feel of those hands clutching the back of his head, fingers digging into his hair. “I’m sorry,” he said sincerely, apologizing in earnest. “I love you and I shouldn’t have made you wonder about that.”
She seemed to freeze, like a deer in the headlights, her hands loosening as she met his eyes suddenly. He could almost see her breath catch in her throat, the thoughts and emotions whirling.
Her aquamarine stare hit him in the stomach and his eyes skirted around her face. His gaze dropped to her legs, slender and straight from her skirt to her heeled shoes; he remembered them wrapped around his torso, his hand on her hips. He felt hot. His cheeks were flushed. “Relena…”
She must have heard it in his voice because she covered her mouth with her hand and gasped in an appalled sort of way that covered his desire with waves of guilt and self-abhorrence. “Is that all?” she asked. “God, Heero, I love you too, but I’m not… I won’t…” She took a deep breath. “I already feel like that night was a mistake. If that’s why you’re here, please just…”
“That’s the only night I’ve ever been really happy,” he interrupted, lifting a hand imploringly. He took long pauses between his sentences, gathering his thoughts. “You’re not like anyone else. I felt like it couldn’t work and that maybe it was a mistake, so I left, but maybe I’m not giving you enough credit. I can’t get you out of my head. I didn’t believe you could bring peace to the world, but peace came. Maybe I should give this a chance too.”
“You never give yourself enough credit,” she whispered, and he shivered. “You love me?” she asked, and met him in the eyes.
“Yeah,” he said.
She stepped toward him, her brow crinkling, her eyes softening. When she was within arms length she stopped. He remained still, tense and guarded, but all she did was take his hand with both of hers, and the feel of her soft fingers pressing into his skin caused his knees to stiffen. There seemed no words to speak. She didn’t ask him what he meant. He wasn’t sure he even knew, but she seemed to understand him. Looking into her eyes, he thought she might be as scared as he felt.
“If you stay,” she whispered, and seemed at a loss for words. He wished he could read her mind, but all he could do was look at her and guess. “Do you mean to be in a relationship with me?”
“Yeah.”
“Then we could do what we did again…”
His heart leapt and his body tightened. “You want to…?”
She blushed. “Well I…” She paused. It was torture. When she looked up at him, her eyes shimmered faintly through her smile. “I don’t want that to be the reason you would stay,” she said. “Or the basis of our relationship, but I won’t deny that when I think about you I think of that night. I want to make love over and over, but I am a little afraid what you might think of me, Heero.” She titled her head, her hair falling over her face, and stepped close enough to him that he could feel her presence like electricity throughout his entire body. His hand curved naturally around her waist.
He wanted to tell her he was willing to give this a try for many reasons besides that, but instead he found himself leaning forward and down without thinking, stooping and tilting his head to take her lips with his own, kissing her softly. Her head lifted naturally as he did it and they both straightened, her hair falling away so he could see her face. She was kissing him back, eyes closed, trembling a little, and he didn’t know whether his bones were turning to ash from emotional heat or if his insides were really burning with fire. With effort, he surrendered to it, shutting his eyes, and felt the world spin sideways and down, spiraling into a world of heat and flame, dragging him bodily with it so that he knew his heart was bursting.
When they broke the kiss he gasped. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, and hardly knew for what.
She began to cry, sweet, crystalline tears that welled up in the bottom of her eyes and splashed over her cheekbones. A moment later and she completely fell into his arms, her face pressed into his shoulder. He hugged her awkwardly at first, and then tightened his grasp with a feeling of fulfillment, stroking the tears out of her with his hand on the back of her head. She didn’t sob or shake or wail. She hardly seemed upset. The tears drained out of her only as liquid, squeezed from her eyes like juice from a fruit. “Are you staying?” she asked into his shirt.
Her face was red when he kissed her again, but she kissed back, their tongues meeting somewhere between. To speak he had to break away. “I don’t know if this will work,” he said. “But if you want to love me, I think I’m ready to let you…”
She stifled his words with another kiss, more urgent than the others, and he automatically wrapped his hands around the small of her back, crinkling her blouse in his hands. Breaking away, she breathed out, staring up into his eyes through her lashes. “You’re not like anybody else in the world, Heero,” she whispered, touching his face. “I don’t think I could ever love or respect anybody as much as I do you.”
“Yeah,” he said, and meant it as a reciprocal of what she said to him, which she seemed to understand. He couldn’t believe he was letting her touch his face, but she did it so naturally he hardly questioned the contact. “What do we do now?” he said in a bare whisper, and found that he was breathing hard.
She laughed, a gleam in her eyes, and slipped her hands on the inside of his jacket to reach around his waist and pull him close. He was startled, but again he let her, surprised by how fast he was getting used to this. “I have to give my closing statement,” she said with a touch more severity, “but, Heero, if you stay I will see you after and we can do…whatever you want.”
The blood rushed out of his head and he found himself smiling a real smile. Relena’s eyes took it in with surprise, but then she smiled back, her teeth flashing as their faces met again. He lifted her body as he kissed her, pulling her flush up against him, inspired by the way her body seemed to mould to his so perfectly. She kissed him with energy and abruptly he laughed. Then she laughed and his heart flared golden, bright and yellow as the sun.
Relena grabbed his hands, pulling him forward. Breaking away from her mouth, he followed her, opening the door for her and seeing her down the hallway with a barely contained rush of excitement. When they tumbled out into the hallway together, they heard a commotion from outside the building, of people moving around in what seemed like a great rush and flurry of energy.
“What’s going on?” Relena murmured, stepping forward. She was the Vice Foreign Minister.
She was also Relena. Heero grabbed her arm just above the wrist and held her back in an iron-tight grip. She halted under his insistence, yielding to his authority for her own safety. Lacking a gun, he simply moved her behind him and walked next to the wall toward the outside, curious as to what was going on.
Out in the plaza people were standing up out of their chairs, some of them standing on their chairs. Dozens were leaving the area, angry it seemed like, and a wave of muttering voices and some shouting ripped through the crowd and crashed into Heero and Relena’s startled faces.
As one, their eyes turned to the podium. The man speaking was a delegate from
He raised his voice to be heard over the din. “When are you supposed to give your closing statement?” he asked her.
“Not for awhile,” she said, proud and pale, with he face turned intently on the crowd. “I don’t understand what is happening.”
Abruptly, the crowd roared in fury, but they both missed what was said on stage. People were moving now, climbing up and over their chairs, trampling other people. Voices shouted in alarm. Security was out in force.
“It’s just about Trade Embargos…” Relena whispered. “Have they lost their minds? It’s just about…”
A gun shot went off in the air.
Screams reverberated in the aftermath. Heero and Relena both snapped their heads around as people began screaming and running now, tearing through the aisles, knocking the chairs over. Heero swore as dozens of civilians headed for the doorway they were standing in. Quickly, Heero pulled Relena out of the hallway and they both burst into the sunlight, tramping down the stairs in and even stride. The girl at his side was beauty itself, the sunlight glinting off her hair as she ran with purpose rather than fear toward the center of the confusion. Relena was shouting over the crowd, waving her hands. Heero could only watch her.
“What is going on here? Senator Baldwin! Was someone shot? What is going on?”
Another gunshot fired, this one seemingly from the crowd, probably into the air by a panicked civilian, but it only increased the chaos. Relena and Heero hardly slowed as they made for the stage, running side by side, Heero standing protectively in between Relena and the maddened crowd. Security let them through.
The people remaining were clawing at each other, making it hard for anyone to get away. Heero caught sight of a man in a brown coat moving deliberately through the crowd amidst the shouting and the panic. He seemed out of place, wild about the eyes like a loose cannon, angry without a cause, stalking like a panther, tensing as the panic mounted. Was he reaching into his coat?
“We’re not going to let some stuffy politicians tell us where we can trade!”
“Have you gone mad? This is a peaceful demonstration.”
“Watch what you’re doing!”
“Oh my God, call an ambulance! He’s bleeding to death!”
“…it’s just like the old Federation laws…!”
Relena put her hand on the stage, getting ready to heave herself up above the crowd where everyone could see her. Heero knew what she intended, to get to the microphone, regardless of the panic, in full view of anyone with a gun, and try to calm down the audience.
“It’s too dangerous,” he said, grasping her about the waist and breathing in her ear. “Relena, don’t. Please.”
“Someone has to restore order here, Heero!” she said. Suddenly, she turned in his grip and he found her lips pressed suddenly against his, in full view of anyone who was watching. “Please,” she gasped, fingers trailing along his jaw. “Help me before…”
Gunshots rang out over the crowd and before he and Relena ducked, Heero saw people falling, dying perhaps, dropping out of view as people fled in a panic from the man in the brown coat, who was waving two guns in either hand wildly on the corner of the stage. A little girl was lying on her face by a tree. Heero’s breath caught. Dead? Security was moving in on him, but the guns were still smoking. More gunshots sounded, from another location, shot toward the man on the stage. Police? An angry citizen taking the law into his own hands?
Looking over the crowd he suddenly caught sight of Duo Maxwell gesturing sharply to the security guards, barking orders angrily, his braid swinging. A moment later and their eyes met across the crowd. Heero was about to shout to him, but Duo’s eyes widened and he shouted first, leaping forward toward Heero suddenly in something like alarm. Whatever he said was lost in a burst of pain and noise. Blood exploded before his eyes and Heero wrenched his gaze away. Relena gave a cry and fell into his arms.
He felt it before he understood it, a sharp penetration through his body, in his chest. He had no idea where it came from, but it was a damn powerful shot. It had more expulsion than an ordinary gun, more force and more deadly accuracy, if it was aimed at all. The names of several weapons that could have fired that shot, all illegal, ran through his head. A shot like that could go through several obstructions.
He tried to speak and blood came up out of his throat. He coughed, closing his eyes, and realized suddenly how heavy Relena was. He knew somehow what had happened and tried to support her even as his own strength gave way. They had both been shot by the same bullet by being so close together. The shouting and panic of the crowd seemed strangely distant, the trampling of feet echoing in his ears as he sank downward. Through the haze in his eyes he saw the brown-coated man apprehended, but then he lost sight of everything as he found himself kneeling in the grass, coughing up more blood. Relena fell limply over his arms, sliding out of his grip and onto the ground, her hair strewn about her face, the blonde a sharp contrast to the green blades of evenly cut grass. Her cream-colored blouse and white coat were covered in blood. His or hers? There was a wound in her chest. There was also a wound in his. His eyes latched onto her hair, and the staring eyes.
“Heero…”
His head swam and he clenched his eyes shut, but her voice penetrated the fog. Live, he thought. Live.
He struggled to hear her panicked whispers. “Heero, I can’t see anything. There’s just light everywhere, blinding like the sun. Heero?” She was crying. She sounded so lost, so alone. He couldn’t speak with the blood clogging his throat. “I don’t want to go alone,” she cried. “Oh God, Oh God.” She was in pain. He could tell she was in pain, and so afraid. Hand in the grass, he struggled to touch her, his finger finding the flesh of her arm. “Heero, where are you?” She was quiet as he coughed, doubled over on his knees, blood seeping through his clothes, knowing the weakness in his head was from more than just blood loss. “Heero,” he heard he say again in the barest whisper, more still and quiet than he had ever heard her. “It’s not so bad now. I almost think…” She trailed off.
The world spun crazily and he collapsed on his face, breathing soil and grass in through his nose. The pain was unreal. He wasn’t sure how long he was like that, blood coming up out of his mouth as he coughed, each cough doubling the pain in his torso. Abruptly he felt hands touching him, turning him over. He couldn’t breathe. He struggled, trying to cough, to think. His eyes opened blurrily, seeing shapes as if through a waterfall.
“Duo…” he croaked. Arms gathered him up, lifting his head and shoulders off the ground.
“Shhh, Heero, don’t talk. Hang with me. The medics are on their way.”
“I’m sorry for what I said to you…”
“It’s okay. I forgive you. Forget about it. Just stop talking.”
Air came into Heero’s lungs, and blood too. Everything was so quiet, but he was suddenly glad someone was there. He thought he was being held, but he wasn’t sure. He looked up, the sunlight gleaming down around the shadow that Duo made as he bent over him. “She’s gone, isn’t she?” he choked out. His chest tightened with the thought. He couldn’t protect her. He knew Duo wouldn’t tell him Relena was dead, not now. If he survived, he would wake up to hear it. But he didn’t think he was going to survive. With that thought, it hardly seemed to matter. “Tell me, please. I’m going too.”
“Don’t talk like that. She’s dead, Heero, but you’re not yet, so stop talking.”
Pain gripped him and his muscles contracted in Duo’s grasp as he gritted his teeth to keep from crying out. Air escaped his lungs and suddenly he became aware that he was suffocating in blood. He panicked instinctively as he fought to breathe, fighting for his life despite every desire that told him he should want to go with her, to follow Relena into death. But he didn’t know what he would face there. It was one thing to want to be killed in battle, but now that he was shot, the air escaping his lungs and the wild beating of his heart frightened him. It wasn’t the pain. He was dying. His body was failing. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. He didn’t know where he was going.
Oblivion. No, no. He clenched his eyes shut. He couldn’t imagine it.
He cried, convulsing, struggling to make himself understood. Air filled his lungs suddenly, blood flecking his lips. Duo was still there, watching him, telling him to relax. “I want to go where she’s going,” he gasped out, trying to see more clearly.
“Heero…” Duo’s eyes seemed more mature, less child-like, than usual. All he could really make out was his eyes and face a bit of the white collar around his throat.
Desperation coated Heero’s voice thickly, but with great effort he managed to speak. “Duo, listen to me,” he said with all the determination had had left, latching the Prussian blue eyes that had cowed so many on Duo’s face. “You have to pray for me,” he said as deeply as he knew how. “Please. I’m tired of being alone.” He convulsed suddenly, his eyes clenching shut. Pain like he had never known seized him like the fangs of a serpent so that he could not hear himself cry out, though he knew he screamed. As it subsided, his eyes opened and rolled, falling backward, sinking through the memories of his life. He couldn’t hear or see anything. He wasn’t sure if he was breathing or not even. He could make sense of nothing, but he looked for himself, trying to hold on to what was him. In fervent whispers he repeated, “I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid.” His limbs were heavy, stiff, his voice cracked. “Relena.” Or did he only think it? Desperately, he fought, trying to keep the light from dying, from fading away, but darkness was creeping in from all sides of his vision, a night deeper then space and without a single star, closing his view of the living world. “I want to be loved.”
“You are, Heero,” he thought he heard Duo whisper. “You are loved. You can stop fighting. It’s okay now. Just relax.”
He swallowed, trying to heed what he heard, and felt strength of will, if not of body, return to him. From somewhere came a clear thought or idea of who he was, what he had done, how he had lived, and he accepted it simply. He took a breath, feeling a quiet calmness pour over him. He had no more strength to keep on fighting. He allowed himself to lie still.
“Goodbye, Heero,” he heard Duo’s voice say softly.
And then he died.